DISCLAIMER:

Fanfic writer ellithea owns BLEACH…in her dreams.

BLEACH rights belongs to the one and only Kubo Tite- sama.

Guys,

MY DEEPEST APOLOGIES!!!!(*ellithea bows*)

I know the update is really, really, really late!!! But you know school works been killing me, so I shall extend this story a little bit more than planned to make up!! I hope He's dead meat's 5th installment will make everyone laugh again!!! Thank you guys and as usual reviews will inspire me to write, please keep them coming!!

Oh, one more thing, I have this story She is demoted, well it seems that it's not gathering readers. I can say its pretty good, coz some scenes are derived from real life accounts, also things in that novel shall escalate in the next chapters..(evil cue here)!! I will appreciate it if you will give my Harusame a chance. Thank you very much, you are more than welcomed to check it out

ellithea

He is dead meat

by:

ellithea

5th KILL: Saved Meat?

Everybody knew this day would come.

The day when the gorgeous captain of the 6th, would kill the budding strawberry.
But something that is completely unexpected happened. After that so much killing intent that can surpass Zaraki's blood-thirst, the strawberry in question is still alive.

"Ichigo!!" the mother of his unborn child yelled while rushing toward his body.

Ichigo can't remember how the hell did he survive the blade of Byakuya's Hakuteiken.
If he is not mistaken it is called the White Imperial Sword that has superior cutting power, as the article he "google-d" stated.
"Wha--" all Ichigo can mutter as Rukia smothered him with her arms.

Byakuya looked at the man or creature responsible for the strawberry's untimely salvation.

"Phew that was close.." a rough man's voice said.

Byakuya lowered his gaze and stared at a black fur ball he despised ever since he was a boy.
"Were- cat, still meddling with my affairs" he said coldly, flashing the black cat a death glare.

"Still rash as ever Byakuya- bo" the cat said while sitting

"Shihouin Yoruichi," he said emphasizing each syllable "I must ask, why did you saved him?"

"Nah, course I would! Ichigo is a former student, it's natural that I'll save his ass," the cat stated matter- of – factly.

"I do not permit it" he said then pointed his sword at the cowering Ichigo "Move, I must kill the impertinent brat," he said while taking steps toward Ichigo.

"Nu- uh, can't do, Byakuya, haven't you heard about sitting down and talking things over?" Yorouichi inquired.

"I have, but I can't seem to remember about it.. as of the moment" he said stubbornly

Yoruichi sighed "Okay, either you let this go for now, or I come out with drastic measures"

Byakuya frowned and narrowed his eyes "Drastic measures?"

"Yes, drastic measures!! I'll do something that you will regret.." she hissed.

Master, Shihouin Yoruichi is the master of pain and torture…she might attack you in your weak spot….
Senbonzakura paused, and continued with a creepy tone, a tone that is usually associated in horror movies,
Your pride…….

Byakuya gasped inwardly. What could be this 'he would regret' business?What would she do? Or what would she reveal?

"It is a threat Byakuya, I'll tell everybody here!!" she said maniacally.

"Abarai- fukutaicho, what do you think is the thing that Kuchiki- taichou will be threatened with" the motherly captain of the 4th said to the newly arrived red head.

Renji stared at the captain, he just arrived here shortly after Yoruichi had saved Ichigo's butt.
"I don't know" Renji said

The flamboyant captain of the 8th suddenly popped out of nowhere and chirped in, "Maybe Byakuya is hiding an illegitimate child!!"

A cough can be heard then the wielder of Sougyo no Kotowari came,
"Oh I see, I can't believe that Byakuya used his charms to lure ladies" he paused to cough "I think he is the same as…" insert cough here"… the typical good looking" some more coughing here "playboys" he ended with a cough.

After Ukitake's coughing/ statements/ more coughing, the lieutenant of the 8th smashed her captain with a leather bound book.

"Taichou, the one who would be likely to hide an illegitimate child would be you, not Kuchiki- taichou" Nanao Ise said.

"It is quite true, I think it is just embarrassing pictures" The wolfish captain of the 7th division suggested as he emerged from the bushes, as if waiting for the right time to make an entrance.

Ichigo stared at the newcomer with mouth hanging open. He is just freaking hiding in the bushes! He rubbed his eyes and look again, yep, he is still there.

"Oh I'll make tons of profit by selling those pictures!! After all Kuchiki- taichou is the hottest Shinigami in Soul Society, girls will be lining to get one!!" The booby fukutaichou of the 10th said while emerging under a rock.

Byakuya's eyes twitched at the unfolding events.
This is crazy.

Suddenly like a scripted play the little captain of the 10th arrived,
"Matsumoto!! There you are, finish your paperwork!" he reprimanded.

But every attention turned into another recently arrived uncalled person.
"Maybe he is really bald" Madarame Ikkaku suggested with all his shiny and baldness glory.

"Ba---aald?" Toushirou stuttered while trying to muffle a chuckle.

(*Warning don't imagine a bald Byakuya, contents of said imaginations may cause light emotional trauma and a nervous breakdown*)

"Well I think tas' jus a wimpy secret, but I don' care, as long he'll not lose 'is strength ta kill and fight, I've been wantin' ta fight the guy" The 11th division captain said as he dismount a tree.

"Yay, and Byakushi will always said that Ken- chan is just something trivial and he doesn't need to raise his sword to the likes of Ken- chan" The candy colored haired Fukutaichou said.

"Yachiru!!" Kenpachi roared

Then on a whirl of shunpo another spectator arrived, the SMC commander,Soi Fon.
"As expected of Yoruichi- sama, she is able to dig some filth out of Kuchiki- taichou" she said with glistening eyes.

Ichigo wanted to jump over the nearest cliff as he is watching these. These people are just watching him from the beginning and on the time when he was about to be sliced by Byakuya's evil killing flowers?

"I think that Kuchiki Byakuya is really a different specie" the creepy head of the twelfth chirped in,
"Thinking that he is emotionless in every situation" he said with amusement,
"Interesting, very interesting, I think I should ask him to be one of my subjects" he continued with a creepy interest.

His comment gathered odd stares, the one that is implying that-is-creepy-you-are-certainly-out-of-your-freaking-bloody-mind-dude look.

"What?" he asked with annoyance and innocently. As if he hadn't said anything weird. As if grabbing random people and opening their guts is completely normal.

Yachru thought for awhile then blurted out, "Heh~ you are.. weird!!!" then she giggled

Mayuri looked at them with disgust,

"You simpletons will never understand my Science, come Nemu let's head back, I can't stand this fools" then he shunpoed away hoping that his genius would be recognize someday.

But pal I've got news for you 'Dream on punk!!'

After the freak show Yoruichi glared at Byakuya, "What would it be Byakuya- bo?"

Byakuya after recovering from emotional shock managed to say: "Move"

Yoruichi smiled the smile that only cats are capable of and stood up,
"Very well you left me with no choice, whaaa---" but she didn't finished Byakuya shoved her against him and grabbed her by the loose skin on her neck.

The great 6th squad captain just snapped.

"Put me down!!" Yoruichi jerked away

Byakuya ignored Yoruichi's struggles.

"Kurosaki Ichigo, you might have escaped this time, but we will meet again, mark my words, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" he said with an evil maniacal laugh, then shunpoed away leaving the Shinigami's dumbfounded in shock.

"He lost it" the 2nd division captain said, then disappeared in a haste of shunpo.

"Yeah definitely lost it" Kenpachi agreed then walked away.

"Poor guy" Unohana muttered with pity then disappeared.

Rukia after recovering shook her head,
"That didn't just happened"

Ichigo isn't quite sure whether he is scared due to Byakuya's threats or to the fact that he is laughing.

He replayed the last scene, rewind, slow motion, pause, holy shit, he did laugh. It is the end of the world.

"Ichigo, are you okay?" Rukia said as she was snapping her fingers.

"I don't know Rukia…. I don't know…" he said in a low creepy tone.

God help these fools.

(A/N: Did that made you laugh??? Hope it did, coz now I'm laughing my ass off!!!Whahahahahaha… thank you guys!! Please review!!!!!

100 reviews kudasai!!!! - ellithea)