When I wake up, all I can feel is a dull pain throbbing throughout my body. Shit, that hurt. Opening my eyes, I see that I am lying on a bed in a vaguely familiar room; its walls are painted white and the room is filled with numerous medical equipment. I sit up, wincing slightly as I do so and blink blearily at my surroundings. Where am I? And what the hell am I doing here? Looking around, it takes some time for it to register in my mind that I am in the Medical Room. I know because I have been here a few times before when I needed my injuries from battle to be treated.
As though on instinct, I clutch at my chest and look down. The pure white bandages that are wrapped around my chest right down to my abdomen are stained a bright crimson, particularly at the chest area. It seems that someone had brought me here to be healed by one of the lower arrancars. And from the looks of my injuries, I am lucky to be alive. Injuries? I clutch at the bed sheet when I suddenly remember how I had acquired my latest injury.
"Your condition will not allow you to do so," Ulquiorra states plainly.
"At least let me help you," I try once more. "We are in this together, aren't we?"
Ulquiorra's eyes harden. He drops me heavily to the ground, pulls out my zanpaktou and raises it. "You are finished, Sexta. Now it is my turn." And then he slices a new wound across my chest open, causing crimson to spurt out, and thus making it impossible for me to continue battle.
My throat constricts, my breathing becoming uneven and rapid.
"Ulquiorra…" I breathe, feeling tears start to prick at the edges of my eyes.
What happened to you…?
"Ah, I see that you are finally awake."
I turn around so quickly that I nearly snap my neck doing so.
A female arrancar had emerged from the store room where all of the medical supplies are kept. I don't recognize her so she must be new. Not that that matters at the moment. What matters right now is Ulquiorra. Where is he and what happened to him? And above all, is he alright? That last time I had seen him, he was about to go up against Ichigo Kurosaki.
Not even bothering to greet her, I demand, "Where's Ulquiorra?"
"Ulquiorra…?" the female arrancar repeats, clearly confused. "Who is that…?"
Wow, she must be REALLY new around here.
Oh, how I want to wrap my fingers around her neck and strangle her within an inch of her life. That is the fucking most stupid question I've ever heard in my life. Everyone knows who the hell Ulquiorra is, who are the Espada, and if they don't know, then they are obviously stupid. Which is what this woman is. The only thing stopping me from doing just that is the fact that she may have some information on him. And, oh, she may also be the one who healed me so I'm pretty much in debt to her. But still.
"Ulquiorra," I say, "Ulquiorra Cifer. The Cuarta Espada." When the woman continues to look confused, I continue exasperatedly, "That slender arrancar with black hair, white skin and green eyes!" Still nothing. "The emo looking one."
"Oh!" she says, her face brightening up when it finally registers in her tiny ass mind who the hell I am talking about. Heh. Works every time. Then her face falls. "He… he was admitted here a few days ago."
"A few days ago? How long exactly have I been out?"
"Three days. You have been unconscious for three days."
"And Ulquiorra?" I press. "How is he? Is he alive?"
The woman hesitates for a moment or two, wondering whether she should tell me this piece of information. Seeing no harm in it, she says, "He's fine. Starrk-sama was the one who brought the both of you here. Ulquiorra was barely alive when he came here. He has been moved to his own room so that he will be more comfortable. We don't know whether he will survive."
"What?" I whisper, my heart beating rapidly.
She merely lowers her head in response. "I'm sorry."
"That can't be!" I grab the front of her uniform, lifting her up about a foot from the ground in spite of my injuries, making her cry out in surprise. I stare at her in disbelief. There is no fucking way that this could be true. In spite of the way I used to say that I am stronger than Ulquiorra and that he feared fighting me, I knew deep inside that Ulquiorra possesses powers far greater than I do. I tighten my grip on the woman's uniform, ignoring the fear that laces her reiatsu. I can't imagine Ulquiorra losing a fight. Ever. Ulquiorra is a strong, proud Espada… There's no way… Yet when I look into her wide eyes, I could not find a hint of a lie. Not one. "Where the hell is he?" I demand. "Tell me!"
The woman bites her bottom lip and begins to speak.
When I slam the door open, Starrk looks up in surprise. He stares at me as I limp in, every step that I take torturous and painful. The woman had told me to stay put and not stress myself until I have fully recovered, but seriously? I don't give a shit. I can't rest and not be stressed knowing that Ulquiorra is mortally wounded.
"Grimmjow?" Starrk says incredulously. "What are you doing out of bed? You aren't supposed to be walking around." He did not say it with concern, but rather, stating it as a fact. When I don't answer, Starrk eyes me carefully as I make my way slowly towards the bed that Starrk is sitting next to and stare down at its occupant, my face unreadable.
Ulquiorra is unconscious, his breathing labored and uneven. Shaking, I run my fingers across his cheek. He does not even stir. Like the woman said; he is dead to the world.
"What happened to him?" My voice is barely above a whisper, but Starrk heard me.
"Aizen-sama ordered me to save him but by the time I got there, he was nearly dead but still he fought. The Ryoka managed to save his friend and escaped. Ulquiorra sustained a lot of injuries and to top it all off, he used up a lot of reiatsu. Even with his ability to regenerate…" Starrk looks down at the weakened Cuarta Espada, his face grim. "He is only able to heal his wounds, but his reiatsu is nearly diminished. Which is why Aizen-sama has ordered us Espadas to be around Ulquiorra since we all possess high reiatsu. And today is my turn."
The brown haired arrancar falls silent after his explanation, which I am grateful for. Because throughout the whole time he spoke, I could feel the lump of guilt at the pit of my stomach grow bigger and bigger. I let out a shaky breath. "So this is all my fault, huh?" I say bitterly.
"There's no way you could have prevented this from happening, Grimmjow."
"What makes you so sure that I couldn't have?" I shoot back. When Starrk isn't able to answer my question, my suscipions are only confirmed. If I wasn't so pissed off at Ulquiorra, if I hadn't gone off the way I did after our argument, this would never have happened. Ulquiorra would not have gone after me to correct my foolishness that would have led to my death. Ulquiorra would be well and alive. Not that he isn't now. He's alive. But just barely. I have completely dismissed the idea that Ulquiorra went against Kurosaki to save me; it was just me being hopeful. There is no way Ulquiorra could have done that for me. For anyone. He looks for himself and cares for no one. That has always been his way and will always be. How could I forget that? Still…
Ulquiorra's head is placed carefully on a pillow, his raven locks spread across it, the look on his doll-like face one of pain and suffering. It looks like even breathing is a difficult task for him. He looks so fragile. Breakable. His right hand lay across his chest and I touch at his pale fingers gently before holding his hand in mine. He is cold. Colder than usual.
I stare down at him.
Why did you have to fight Kurosaki?
Why did you have to come after me?
"Grimmjow," Starrk's voice reaches me, but I can't tear my gaze away from Ulquiorra. It is so strange, so out of place, to see Ulquiorra injured, defeated. He has always stood tall and proud. I could never imagine him losing. Yet here he is lying before me in a death-like state, a result of his loss towards that Ryoka. Ulquiorra is trying very hard to live; otherwise he wouldn't be here, he would have just let himself slip into the cold hands of Death. True death. "Grimmjow," Starrk speaks once more. I don't move but he knows that I'm listening so he continues to speak. "You need to go back to your room and rest. I will stay here as Aizen-sama ordered me to. I will make sure that he's alright."
I let my fingers trace the contours of Ulquiorra's face, silent.
"No," I say quietly. I sit down at the edge of Ulquiorra's bed and look up at Starrk defiantly, who looks taken aback. Hardly anyone dares to disobey him, aside from Lilynette. "I will stay here and take care of him."
"Grimmjow…" Starrk says carefully. "Are you sure that that is a wise choice? You've just woken up and-"
"I don't give a shit about me!" I snap. "How can I be busy worrying about myself when Ulquiorra is dying?"
I turn my face away from him in disgust. I know that Starrk only said that out of concern for my well being, but with the knowledge that Ulquiorra might slip away at any moment in mind, that fact pales in comparison. Reaching out, I clutch at Ulquiorra's cold hands, holding them in my own. What were you thinking? You should have just left me to die.
Starrk sighs. "Fine. I will inform Aizen-sama that you're going to stay with Ulquiorra from now on." He yawns. "I want to sleep anyways. I'll see you later, Jaegerjaquez."
I hear him take several steps towards the door when I suddenly sit up and ask him the question that I has been nagging me at the back of my head ever since I have woken up. "Starrk," I call out. The brown haired man looks over his shoulder, a questioning look on his face. "Did…" I hesitate. "Did Ulquiorra say anything to you when you came to rescue us?"
"… Why do you ask?"
"It's nothing, really. You know what? Forget it. Forget that I even asked." I turn my face away, my face burning. He must have thought that I look like some lost, hopeful puppy. "Just go. I will take over from here."
Starrk regards me for a few moments before saying, "He asked me to protect you."
My sapphire eyes widen, my breath caught in my throat. Slowly, I return my gaze to his face, unable to believe the words that had just come out of his mouth. "What?"
Starrk turns around fully to face me, his hands in his pockets, the expression on his face serious. "He asked me to protect you," he repeats. "To bring you to safety. Even though he was dying, that was the only thing that he asked for." The Primera Espada lets out the breath that he had been holding in. He looks tired but at the same time, he looks more awake than he has ever been. "He didn't want you to die. He kept on fighting to keep you from harm." Starrk runs a hand through his brown locks, trying to think of what else to say to me. "Grimmjow, this might sound strange, but Ulquiorra obviously cares about you." He walks back towards the door, giving me a small wave, ignoring the bewildered look on my face. "He just doesn't know how to show it."
And then he leaves me alone with my thoughts.
Looking at that doll-like face again, I find myself speechless. Ulquiorra's breathing has gone to a more calm, steady pattern, but he still wears that pained expression. Looking at that familiar face, the face of the person who has done nothing but look at me in disgust, it's hard to believe that he actually did that for me. I remember all of the times he had insulted me and thrown me away carelessly. This was all bullshit. I bite my bottom lip. Is all of this true? Is it true that you attacked me because you know that I would have carried on fighting regardless of what you say? Do you really care about me or was Starrk messing with me? Starrk doesn't strike me as the type to joke around, though. If what he said was true, then it truly was my fault that this happened.
"You bastard," I growl, tears pricking in my eyes, threatening to fall. "Why did you have to do that? Why didn't you just leave me?" No response. Just steady breathing from Ulquiorra. I clutch at those white hands again and then hold one of them against my cheek, ignoring the fact that they were ice-cold. Cold as Death.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I HATE YOU.
I want to scream. I want to shake him and make him wake up. Even if it's just to hear him call me "trash". At least it would mean that he is alright. Tears are rolling down my cheeks now. "You… you could have died." My tears drip down onto his hand that I have pressed against my cheek, running along his skin until it finally falls onto the bed sheet. "I don't want you to leave just yet. So, hold on, Ulquiorra," I choke. And then I say the words that I would have never dared to say to him if he was awake, "Hold on. Because… because I love you."
When I look up, I see a few tears escape from under Ulquiorra's closed eyelids.
It has been a few days now since I have started taking care of Ulquiorra. I have taken the rest of the Espadas' duties of sitting by Ulquiorra's side to ensure that he regains his former strength back. It wasn't that hard. All I had to do was to ask Aizen for permission and the rest of the Espada were more than happy to give up their duty of caring for their fellow Espada. That stung a bit, but I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Like I have said before; we Espada look out for ourselves and for ourselves only. Give us an opportunity and we would gladly slit each other's throats.
The rest have found out about what I feel towards Ulquiorra. No doubt that that was Nnoitra's doing. I scowl at the thought. Everyone thinks that I'm being stupid. Ever since the day they found out, they have been making sneering remarks, but for the most part, I brush all of those comments aside. Except for that one time I kicked that pink haired freak of an Espada's ass for calling Ulquiorra a bitch.
Taking a damp towel that I have just soaked with water, I slowly pull up Ulquiorra's shirt, wincing slightly as I do so. I hate doing this. Because every time I do this, his scars from his battle against Kurosaki is revealed. I press the towel against that pale skin, cleaning him, ignoring all of the scars. I don't even need to look at them to know how they look like. The scars are white, more than his skin, some are slightly raised, and they stand out, serving as a reminder of what had happened. There are so many large scars running across his skin that I don't even want to think about how badly Kurosaki must have cut him up that day.
But still, slowly but surely, Ulquiorra is getting better. His breathing is more regular and I think that he could be waking up any day now.
When I am done cleaning Ulquiorra up, I put down the towel. I have been spending nearly of my time by his side here, hardly ever going back to my own room, even falling asleep in here on the chair. Ichimaru told me to take a rest, but I refuse to. I just want to be by Ulquiorra's side when he wakes up.
I have just emerged from the kitchen to grab a snack when I catch sight of Nnoitra Jiruga. The idiot Espada of Las Noches. Man, I hate him. He has tried on more than one occasion to kill me. I wonder if he is here to kill me or to get on my nerves. Something tells me that he just wants to piss me off. He is grinning in that annoying way of his, looking at me up and down. I feel like punching him in the face and maybe also knocking a few of this teeth out in the process. At least that way he would stop smiling so much.
"Not taking care of your precious Ulquiorra?" he drawls.
"Shut up, Jiruga!" I snap. I attempt to walk past him when he grabs my arm. I shoot him a death glare but he doesn't back down. "Let me go," I hiss, pulling my arm away from him. "Fucking touch me again and I will cero your head off!"
Normally, I would have just gone right ahead and ceroed him, but right now, I need to be with Ulquiorra. I can't waste my time on fucktards like him.
"Oh?" Nnoitra says, a sneer now permanently planted on his face. "You'll cero me for touching you? Funny." He walks up right to me, staring down at me as I stare daggers at him. "You didn't cero Ulquiorra when he touched you."
My face burning, I spit out, "Watch your mouth, Jiruga!"
"That ain't nice." Nnoitra grins. "Didn't Ulquiorra ever teach you to respect your superiors?"
"You little sh-" then I stop.
"Careful there, kitty cat. You will really strain your voice that way," Nnoitra sniggers. "You really must like being bottom-"
Fed up, I slam the door in his face. With a touch of satisfaction, I hear him yell out and curse when the door hit him square in the face.
"You should respect your superiors, Sexta. Even if it is Nnoitra," Ulquiorra comments easily.
I let out a laugh, surprising the Quinta.
He squints at me. "Have you gone nuts, Jaegerjaquez?"
Shaking my head, I turn on my heel and leave a confused Nnoitra in my wake.
Turning the shower on, I let the droplets of water rain down on me, letting it wash away all of the dirt. I let out a sigh of relief, allowing the water's cooling effects to take over. To be honest, I am tired. I haven't had a decent night's sleep for nearly two weeks now. I grab a bar of soap and lather it all over my body. I have never left Ulquiorra's side but so far, there isn't much progress aside from the fact that he has started breathing normally again. That is something but it's still not enough.
Once I am done, I turn off the shower, reach out for a towel and wrap it around my waist. I'm using Ulquiorra's bathroom; I can't tell you how many times I have been in this place.
Ulquiorra gasped as I sucked on the spot between his neck and shoulder, pinning him against the wall, letting the droplets of water from the shower fall on us, slicking our bodies. He had his arms wrapped around my neck as he moaned softly. Growling, I pushed him even harder until he was flat against the wall, enjoying the taste of his skin on my tongue and the noises that he was making.
Or how many memories it holds.
I push the memory to the back of my mind as I open the door and close it behind me. There is no use thinking about Ulquiorra 24/7 on top of constantly worrying over him. Doing all of that won't exactly help him. Sighing, I run my fingers through my teal hair, slicking it back and out of my eyes. And then my eyes widen when I catch sight of the Cuarta's slight figure on the bed.
"Ulquiorra!"
I rush to his side immediately, ignoring the fact that I am still soaking wet. Ulquiorra is stirring slightly. My heart soars at the sight. Ulquiorra is alive. He's going to make it through this. Heck, he has already made it through this. I grab hold of his hand and watch in anticipation as his eyes flutter open, revealing those two emerald jewels. He blinks several times, focusing his vision until he sees me sitting next to him. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, struggling to speak. I wait patiently and when he is able to speak coherently, the first thing he says to me is;
"You idiot."
I could almost smile. He's back.
"Nice to see you too, Ulquiorra," I reply.
He glares at me weakly. "You do something like that again, Sexta, something as reckless as that, I'm going to personally kill you. Did you know how dangerous it is to fight Kurosaki without any plan whatsoever? You could have been killed." He attempts to sit up but falls back down. He's still too weak. He scowls at his inability to perform such a simple task. "Making sure that you stay out of trouble is like a full time job I didn't sign up for."
"Anything else you want to say?" I say dryly.
"Yes." He pauses. "You are an idiot."
We fall into a comfortable silence, both of us lost in our own thoughts.
I remember that he hasn't drunk anything yet or even had anything to eat since he has woken up so I grab a glass, pour some water into it from a jug by the table next to the bed and hand it to Ulquiorra who drinks it. It's not much, but it'll have to do for now. I will have to call one of the lower arrancars to prepare some food for Ulquiorra in awhile. As he drinks from the glass, I study him. It is just like Ulquiorra to criticize me the moment he woke up. Not that I had expected a warmer welcome; I know him too well. It's not like a brush with death will change him. Once he has finished drinking, I ask him, "Why did you save me?"
Ulquiorra stiffens. "That is none of your business, Jaegerjaquez," he says coldly.
"Hell yeah it is!" I insist.
"No, it isn't."
Instinctively, I hold his hand and ask more seriously, "Why did you save me?"
Ulquiorra looks at the hand that I'm holding and then at me, stunned, his green, green eyes wide. Slowly, a most adorable blush spread across his face. The fact that he is pale makes the pink that dusted his cheeks even more obvious. I've never seen him blush before and now that I have, he looks beautiful. He looks like he wants to say something but then he shakes his head and breaks eye contact. He holds his head up high and says in that condescending tone of his, "My reasons are my own, Sexta."
"Fine." I notice that he didn't reprimand me for holding his hand. Normally, he wouldn't have allowed me to do such a thing but this time, he isn't pushing me away. "Then I have another question for you."
He narrows his eyes at me suspiciously. "What?"
I take a deep breath. "Did you hear what I said when I spoke to you?" I was referring to the time that I had confessed to him.
Emerald eyes widen, betraying the truth that he is trying to hide.
He did. He heard what I said.
"I have no idea what you are talking about," Ulquiorra says brusquely, brushing my question off. "I was unconscious the whole time. There's no way I could have heard anything." He is denying everything. I can tell that he is lying. By the way he reacted when I mentioned the conversation, by the way he is avoiding the question, by the way he is avoiding my gaze now. He looks... scared.
"Ulquiorra, you were crying." I hold his chin gently and make him look at me. Slowly, he raises those emerald orbs to look into my sapphire ones, his own looking, searching right into mine. "You heard me."
"No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did. You heard me," I insist. "You heard me when I said to you that I lo-"
Ulquiorra tightens his grip on my hand, his nails digging into it slightly. "Don't say it," he breathes. There is a hint of panic in his voice.
"Why not? Ulquiorra, I-"
"No," he says firmly. "Don't say it. I don't ever want to hear it."
"Damn it, Ulquiorra, what are you so afraid of?" I think I might have struck a nerve because he tightens his grip on me. I'm starting to get angry now. What the fuck is wrong with him? I'm getting sick and tired of this fucking barrier that he has put up around himself. Just what exactly is he so afraid of? Not only am I not allowed to get close to him, I'm not allowed to love him either? I start to loosen my grip on his hand but he doesn't let go. "Why? Why don't you want to hear it?" I grit my teeth.
"…"
"Why, Ulquiorra? Give me one fucking good reason why!" I am getting frustrated. He just stares up at me with a blank expression on his face, but his eyes... too much conflicting emotions flit through them that I can't tell what he is thinking.
"…"
"Answer me, damn it! Don't ignore me!"
Finally, he starts to speak. "Because," he says and then adds quietly that I have to strain my ears to hear, "because I don't want to think that you care."
I stare at him in shock, falling back to my seat. We both say nothing more on the subject and fall into silence.