And now, chapter 2 (because I felt you shouldn't have to wait.)
Fallout 3 is owned by Bethesda.
******************
Our heroes, Snoppolopigus Foofypants 3rd, Percival the Ripper, and…that woman (Snopps still hadn't learned her name) were-
"Hey, it's Somah!" yelled the woman (Somah)
What? How could you hear the narration?
"I just can, and I'm getting sick of never being called by my name, it's Somah!"
All right, all right, but this isn't really my fault. It's Snopps'; he's the one who never bothered to learn your name!
"Hey, you're right…" said Somah, turning to face Snopps
"Oh come one man, how could you do this to me! Bros before Hoes, man!" Snopps yelled at the ceiling.
What? I'm the narrator, you're not even supposed to be able to talk to me, let alone enter a verbal contract called "Bros before Hoes".
"Oh god, she's got that murderous look in her eye, quick! Something distract her from her womanly fury!" yelled Snopps piteously
Suddenly, an alien ran, buck naked, down the hallway, singing "Hello my baby, hello my darlin', hello my ragtime gaaaaaaaaaallll!".
"Yeah, that'll do it." Said Snopps
******************
Our heroes, Snoppolopigus Foofypants 3rd, Percival the Ripper, and Somah, charged down the hallway, determined to escape the alien ship. Suddenly, they were faced by a line of alien guns.
"Oh Shizzyniggles!" yelled Snopps, "this don't look good! Don't worry gang; I'll get us out of this mess. I just need to use my Lone Wanderer bad-ass powers of-"
"Yeah, you can't do that" said Percy.
"What? Why the hell not?" demanded Snopps
"Causality Ratio. You've already bent the laws of space and time so much today, that if you bent them any more, the universe as we know it would collapse in on itself." Said Percy
"Oh, goddamn it, Percy!" Yelled Snopps
"What're you blaming me for? You're the one who wanted to have a threesome with Angelina Jolie and Megan Fox!" yelled Percy back
Snopps eyes lost their focus, "Yeah, but it was hot, wan'n it?"
The sight of an alien gun being pressed to his face did a lot to snap Snopps back to reality, oh, there goes gravity, oh, there goes Rabbit…oh! Sorry. Um, that was just a, never mind…
When faced with cold steel, and a very real chance of the loss of all his facial features, Snopps went into action mode. And, by that, I mean he started screaming like a little girl.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Snopps
Suddenly, the alien's head exploded!
"Hah! I guess I had one more in me" said Snopps
Another alien's head exploded, this time accompanied by the very distinct sound of a shotgun blast.
"Okay, I don't remember ordering that, but it was bad-ass, so it must have been me." Said Snopps
The final alien's head exploded.
"Oh-hee hee- oh my. I guess I don't know my limits." Said Snopps
While Snopps was busy flexing and patting himself on the back, Somah walked past him, smoke still streaming from the barrel of her combat shotgun.
"Idiot" she muttered.
******************
While they were going down the hallway, Somah spotted another abductee in a holding cell. It was a little girl.
"Hey, cool! Other humans!" the girl said, "Hey, can you let me out of this cell? All you need to do is shut off the coolant system on the generator down the hall, which should activate a chain reaction that-"
"Or, we could do this" said Snopps, shooting at the generator with his experimental mirv. All 8 mini nukes hit the generator, causing it to explode.
"So, what are you in for?" Snopps asked the little girl
"Oh, I was abducted a long time ago, back before the war-"
"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're over 200 years old, and still a little girl? That answers one question, yet raises so many others." Said Snopps
"Yeah, it's kind of a biomedical quandary that is neither addresses, nor explained." Said the little girl
"Dude, this little girl's kinda freakin me out." Said, Snopps, leaning close to who he thought was Somah.
"You realize you're talking to me, right?" said the little girl. Snopps jumped back hastily. "And my name is Sally. I've explored a lot of this alien ship, so, if you're nice to me, I will help you escape."
"Oh please, the Lone Wanderer does not need help from some little girl." Said Snopps, ducking into a random door. "…okay. I realize I just walked into a storage closet. But I just want you to know, that was intentional." Said Snopps
"Unlike your birth!" said Percy, laughing.
******************
Eventually, our heroes agreed to be helped by Sally, and they split up. Snopps, Percy, and Sally head on ahead, while Somah does, I don't know, girl stuff.
Snopps headed into the steam room, backed by Sally. Rounding a corner, Snopps was confronted by an alien holding a nasty-looking weapon. Quickly drawing his assault rifle, Snopps took aim and…was blasted in the face by an unlucky cloud of steam.
"Fuck in a crap-basket!" he yelled, firing wildly. Amazingly, one of the shots actually managed to hit the alien in the leg. His head then came off for no apparent reason. Satisfied by his work, Snopps took off down the next set of hallways.
Heading down a few more corridors, he was faced by what looked like unarmed alien workers.
"Don't hurt them, they mean you no harm." Said Sally over the speakers she was controlling.
"What? Oh, a little late for that." Said Snopps, drinking out of the alien-skull chalice he had fashioned form one of the unarmed workers skulls.
"Wow, you have issues…" said Sally.
Wandering down the hallways, Snopps eventually made his way to a room filled with several cryogenics tubes.
"Yeah, these are the sleeping people, I've always wanted to wake them up, but never got the chance." Said Sally
"Sweet jumpin' jelly beans! Where the hell did you come from?" shouted Snopps
"Oh you know, around." Said Sally, smiling
"You have officially surpassed clowns in the creep-o-meter." Said Snopps
Snopps then walked over to the control panel, and activated it. This started the thawing program in all the tubes. Several figures fell out of them including a Samurai, a cowboy, and an American soldier from the Great War. Snopps walked over to the Samurai first.
"連続したものの 第9番目 のもの" said the Samurai.
"Sweet plain Jane of abacus Maine! We've wandered into the Japanese version of Fallout 3!" exclaimed Snopps
"No we haven't, you idiot, he just-" Percy started
"Wait, where are all the scantily clad anime chicks? This is Japanese, after all."
"No it's not, it's just-"
"And why is his outfit so…utilitarian? Shouldn't it be more ridiculous and over-the-top?"
"That's because this ISN'T THE JAPANESE VERSION!" yelled Percy.
"Oh yeah? Then how do you explain the samu-" said Snopps
"He's just a random samurai they decided to put into the game" said Percy
"Yeah, that's cool and all, but I can't understand a word he's saying. They should have made him…Russian or something! That would be way cooler! He'd have a big fur coat and one of those Russian hats, and his name would be Dmitri, and he would call everyone Comrade!" said Snopps
"Ya know, I want to argue, but…that would actually be pretty cool." Said Percy
"All right, it's settled, your name is now Dmitri!" Snopps told the Samurai
"Wait, before we do that, we should see how he feels about that." Said Percy
"Well, in case you haven't noticed, I don't speak Japanese, do you?" asked Snopps
"Well, actually, when they constructed my A.I., there was some left-over data in the drive."
"What kind of left-over data?" asked Snopps
"A translator program." Said Percy
"Wow, how convenient"
"Eh, the writer's lazy"
"Alright, well, what's he saying?" asked Snopps
"Give me a minute, and I'll tell you." Said Percy
Percy then started speaking to the Samurai in Japanese. The man responded hurriedly.
"Alright, he says…he says that, in his homeland, he was one of the noblest Samurai to serve his Shogun. He had wealth, land, and many, many women. But, one day, he was…walking along a field, when he sees a cow. It was…the most beautiful cow he had ever seen, and he immediately went over to it and…"
The Samurai made humping motions with his hips and laughed.
"Ew" said Snopps
"Yeah, I'm not going to translate that. I think you get the idea. Well, he says that, when he was done, a strange blue light descended on him, and lifted him up into this strange place."
"Okay. He has officially surpassed Sally on the creep-o-meter." Said Snopps. What about you?" he called to the cowboy.
"I got nothin' to say." He said
"Good man. Hey, what's your story?" he asked the American soldier.
"Elliot Terconium, serial number 22713." He said nervously
"…Dude, relax, I'm not an alien…or Chinese." Said Snopps
"I don't know, I don't know. Maybe you're an alien who just assumed human form to get information out of me!" he said
"That's just…stupid. Dude, relax, pop a chill pill, and tell me who you are." Said Snopps
"I'm private Elliot Terconium, United States Army. I was a medic stationed in Anchorage-"
"Ooh, so sorry, but that's all the back-story you get in this fanfic." Said Snopps
"Wait, but, I have more! Don't you want to know more about my squad?" Elliot asked
"Can't imagine why it wouldn't matter." Replied Snopps
"Alright everyone," Snopps said, giving a speech to all the human survivors, "today, is the day we take back our freedom! Today is the day we escape this ship and all the horrible memories it has left us with! We'll kill some aliens, have a few laughs, and I think we'll all be closer as friends at the end of it!" Percy translated quietly into Japanese. "Now, group hug everyone! C'mon, don't be shy, get in here! Group hug, guys, group hug! Ooh, except for you, Dmitri, you go sit in the corner."
******************
All right, chapter 2 down, approximately 5 chapters to go. Should get another one out soon, until then, see ya!