Ch. 3

Every time Castle learned something new about Kate he was surprised. He wondered if she would ever stop surprising him. The newest surprise was that Kate had a car. That really shouldn't have surprised him, but he always saw her driving the Crown Vic. He just assumed that she took the subway when she wasn't working. Kate drove a black Toyota Prius with tinted windows. He sat in the back with Ethan and pondered this fact.

"How did I not know that you had a car?"

"I don't know Castle; I'm very protective of my private life. There are a lot of things you don't know about me."

"Why are you letting me in now?"

"Don't make me change my mind." Kate said through a clenched jaw. But he saw her blush in the rearview mirror.

She does have feelings for me. He thought. There's still hope. Yeah, he was still holding onto some sort of hope that she would trust him. That she would let him in. That she would let him love her. Seeing her with Ethan stirred other emotions deep inside him. What if they did work out? What if they were married? He had goose bumps. What if they had a child of their own? Amazingly enough, that thought didn't scare him, it excited him. And again he was surprised. She's still dating Will you idiot, stop torturing yourself.

They walked into her apartment, Castle carrying the car seat with Ethan, and Kate had the diaper bag. This was only his second time to her apartment, but the first time he was much more stressed. Kate said, "You okay here?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"I just…nature calls. I'll be right back."

He watched her leave the room and his eyes were drawn to the doorway. He remembered the last time he was here, two months ago, and an incredible kiss that happened against that wall. Just the memory left his senses tingling. But she didn't choose him. Ethan made a fussy noise from the car seat getting Rick's attention.

Unhooking him, Castle picked him up and cradled him against his chest. He was pacing around the room and stopped in front of Kate's pictures. Looking at her pictures was like getting a window into her past. Kate was quite the traveler, with her family and by herself. There was a great picture of her and her siblings at the Grand Canyon. She looked really young there, an awkward, gangly teenager, but you could tell she was just about to bloom. He hadn't realized that he picked it up until she spoke.

"That was a really fun trip. The first time my parents let me travel with my brother and sisters without them. It was June and I had just finished my freshman year of high school. My brother, Andrew, was in Grad school and Avery had just graduated from nursing school. She was newly engaged to Jacob. Jacob took the picture." There was sadness in her voice and he couldn't figure out why. She brightened again. "We drove in Jacob's parents' suburban from New York to Phoenix, stopping at Carlsbad Caverns. We met up with Maggie and Justin there. Maggie had just finished her sophomore year at Arizona State. Justin was working there, waiting for her to finish so they could move back here. We took a trip up to the Canyon. My mom kept calling and saying 'Don't get too close to the edge. Don't fall in.'" She was smiling.

He smiled. He set the picture down. Looking at all of the others, he glanced down at Ethan, and looking back his eyes settled on another photo, this one of a young family. Kate came up to stand beside him, her arm brushing against his. He fingered the photo of the young family, silently asking a question. "That's Ethan's family. Jorge, Emma, Noah and Luke." The sadness was back. He looked at her, and saw the tears in her eyes. She shook her head. "A story for another time." She said. He nodded his head.

"Do you want anything? I'm going to make a fresh pot of coffee. I've been up since four forty-five."

"That sounds great. But if you want to go take a short nap, I'll be fine here."

Kate glanced at the clock, surprised that it was almost eleven. She still hadn't heard from Jorge about Emma. "Maybe later. I'm going to try to call Jorge and see how things are going." Her call went straight to voicemail and she left him a message. Kate sipped her coffee and stared at Castle. He seemed completely comfortable with a baby in his arms. She felt a flutter deep inside her.

"What?" Rick remarked. "Is my fly open? You're staring."

"You just don't seem that out of practice."

"Like riding a bike, detective. Although you don't seem so out of practice yourself."

"My youngest nephew is three, Castle. I'm not that out of practice." Just then they heard a very loud sound from the baby.

"Was that?" Castle asked.

"Think so." Beckett answered, eyebrows raised.

"That should hurt."

Beckett just smiled and shook her head.

"So do we go change him now?"

Kate curled her lips and shook her head. "If he's like all of the other breast-fed babies I've known, he's not finished."

Sure enough, he wasn't. They finally decided that it was time to change him. Those diapers only hold so much. "So you have a lot of experience with babies, huh? Whoa. How does all of that come out of a tiny baby?"

"I know, but at least it doesn't smell. I always thought that if I ever had children, I would breastfeed for that reason alone. And I have six nieces and nephews, Castle, so I do have quite a bit of experience. But I've never had to babysit one so small for so long. He's precious, but he scares me a little."

"How many boys? How many girls? Names? Ages?" Castle watched in amazement as Kate methodically took care of the diaper. All he had to do was hold the plastic bag.

"Split down the middle. Maggie has boys: 9, 6, and 3. Avery has girls: 12, 7, and 4. Johanna, Jonathan, Kate, Austin, Lily and Beckett." She put a fresh diaper on the boy and started to snap up the romper.

"Kate? Was she named after you?" Castle picked up Ethan while Kate went to dispose of the diaper and wash her hands.

"Yeah, me and the doctor. We both have the same name. Saved her life between the two of us, so Avery named her for us. Said it was the least she could do." Kate went to the kitchen and started fixing sandwiches for lunch while they talked. She was very hungry all of the sudden.

"There's a story there…spill."

"Not really as exciting as you might think." Kate smiled. "It was almost tragic, but there was no real heroic save involved.

"Johanna contracted Fifth's disease when Avery was newly pregnant with Kate. They had a bear of a time conceiving her, and then this. So by the time you know that your child has the disease, she has already been contagious. No stopping it. Two weeks later, Avery had it: rash, arthritis, fever on top of one the worst cases of morning sickness I have ever seen. By the time Avery was 18 weeks along, Kate was dying."

When Beckett remembers things it looks like she actually goes back to that time. "My mom was gone, so Jacob, Maggie, Andrew and I were her support system. The only thing they could do was a fetal blood transfusion. I have O negative blood. I gave the blood, Kate the doctor did the transfusion and voila, baby on the mend. It was two days of hell after then transfusion though. The doctors couldn't do it the way they wanted. So we spent two days waiting to see if she would get better or die." They sat down to eat, Castle cradling Ethan who had drifted off to sleep.

"You've already had so many adventures with your sisters' children, makes me wonder what kind of adventures you'll have with your own" Castle pondered. He didn't know if he was strong enough to handle that kind of fear. The most fear he's ever felt was when Kate was shot. It almost broke him.

"Who says I want children?" She frowned. "I probably won't ever have any."

"Why not? You are so good with him. And it's obvious that you love your nieces and nephews. You would be a great mom."

"Really. So what happens if I'm killed on the job? I'd leave a child without a parent. Is that worth it?"

"There are always risks, Kate. People die in car accidents, or they get cancer. Any number of things can take you out of this world. You just take each day, each moment for what it is. Carpe Diem. Not just for dead poets."

Kate nodded and gathered the dishes. She took them to the sink. Castle watched her from the table. There was something going on with her. He could almost see the emotional struggle in her face. It wasn't the story she told. He was sure of that, but there was something that was really bothering her. She lifted her arms up over her head and stretched, yawning at the same time. As she did that her shirt rose up and Castle got a glimpse of her stomach, again, it reminded him of a moment two months previous. I should have tried harder for her. Regret washed over him.

"I think I'm going to take you up on that nap now." Kate said, suppressing another yawn. "I'll leave the bedroom door cracked. Just yell if you need anything."

"We'll be fine." As Kate made her way to her bedroom, Castle went over to sit on the couch and grabbed the remote. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted a piece of paper stuck between the couch cushions. It was folded in half lengthwise and appeared to be a list of some sort. Curious, he picked it up and began to read.