Okay, I know this is coming a lot slower than Perspective, but this one is harder for me to write on many levels. BTW, the 'maneuver' at the end of this chapter actually worked with my children…not making it up. You won't hear from me for a while. I'm going on vacation for a week, and I'm not sure I'll have access to a computer (won't matter really, because I won't have my story with me). Just wanted you to know that the story isn't finished and I'm not abandoning it.

Ch. 5

Castle stood there at the window for a few minutes after Kate walked out. He tried to figure it out, can't do what? He was wracking his brain. Was it something he said or did? Did she mean that she can't take care of Ethan anymore? Well, one way to find out. Rick took a deep breath and headed for the kitchen where he could hear her rattling around.

Kate had taken every pot and pan out of the cabinet next to the stove and was reorganizing the cabinet, although Rick was pretty sure it wasn't out of order when she started. Rick found a clear spot and sat down on the floor so he could look at her eye to eye. "Need any help?" he asked.

She set her mouth in a line and glared at him.

"Okay, no help. How 'bout we talk about it?"

She looked away. "Haven't I said enough?"

"You're talking about the slip? The proposal? Kate I wasn't that surprised." She looked up at him in shock. He recovered. "You've been very preoccupied the last several days. I knew something was up." Buy it. Please, buy it.

She knit her eyebrows together and pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. Castle wished she would stop; he found that extremely irresistible. Kate didn't know what to think. Castle suspected something was up. And still he made no move to show her he had any feelings for her. Really that wasn't fair of her. She had been sending him those signals: Don't touch me, I'm taken, You lost your chance. But underneath it all, she wanted him to fight for her. Damn him.

"UGH!" Kate huffed and started throwing the pots and pans back in the cabinet haphazardly.

"Kate! What are you doing?"

"I can't do this either." She slammed the cabinet door.

"I'm clueless."

"Obviously." She stood to leave, but he stood up just as she took a step and he was right in front of her. "Out of my way, Castle."

"No." And just to make sure she didn't sidestep him he put his hands on her arms. Her eyes were burning with anger.

"If you treasure your hands you'll move them." She said through gritted teeth.

"I'll take my chances." He had a daring gleam in his eye. "You are going to talk to me."

"What do you want to hear? Is what I said before not enough to be upset about? You don't have any idea how much I've been through with that family. Have you stood in a room with your best friend's child's body so that no one would take him away to do an autopsy before she could see him?" She was breathing hard and tears were coming to her eyes.

"That's awful." Castle said softly. "But that's not what has you so upset right now. There's something else."

"I don't know what to do."

"Kate, is this about the proposal?"

"Castle, you are the last person on the planet that I want to talk to about this." Oh. In so many ways. Things were flying out of her mouth right now, personal things that she would not normally share; she couldn't seem to stop them. The thought that she might accidentally spill how she felt about him paralyzed her.

"Do you want me to leave?" Please say 'no.' "Do you want Lanie to come over?"

She shook her head. "As much as I would like to talk to Lanie right now, she would be absolutely no help with the baby. And, besides, she's on a date."

Rick let go of her arms, but he wasn't letting her off the hook. "Talk it out with me. What do you mean 'you don't know what to do'?"

She turned around when she said it; she didn't want her face to give anything away. "I can't marry him." She sounded deflated.

"Of course you can't." Castle surprised himself by saying that. She whipped around to him with a look on her face. "Look Kate, you can't marry someone you don't love. It's hard enough with someone you do love. And being the 'one and done' girl that you are, you would stick it out and stay in that marriage forever." Here is where he covered for himself. "You might argue that you're staying together for the kids, but that isn't a good enough reason either. You deserve more. Someone who will love you and you will love back. And as much as I don't like the guy, he is a decent man, and he deserves more too."

She nodded. Kate turned her back on him and looked up demanding that the tears stay where they were. She wouldn't cry in front of Castle.

"He doesn't want kids." Crap. What is wrong with my brain?

"Well," Rick said, astonished that she gave that away, "that's the second nail in the coffin isn't it?"

"I don't know about that. Maybe I don't—"

"That's crap, Kate, and deep down you know it. I see you with Ethan, and I can see you with your own someday." She blushed. "When I said 'Carpe Diem' earlier, I didn't mean 'seize the first thing that comes along and run with it.'" Castle walked closer to her. "I meant 'seize the best that life has to offer'. Yeah, with risk comes pain and disappointment sometimes, but I bet if you ask Jorge and Emma if they would've rather not had the child at all…" That phrase did it. The tears spilled over and her shoulders drooped in defeat.

"They would say that they were glad, no blessed, to have him for the time they did." Kate choked the words out, knowing they were true, because those were the words they said to her just outside the morgue of the hospital, when they saw Luke for the last time.

She turned around, wiping her tears away, and he was inches from her. She put her hands on his chest to keep herself from plowing right into him. Castle didn't say anything. He just put his hands on her shoulders and kissed her forehead. Her arms slid around him and he wrapped her in a hug.

"Thank you, Castle."

Just then Kate's phone rang. As she went to answer it, Rick said, "I'm going to order some food. Chinese okay with you?"

Kate nodded and flipped open the phone.

"Beckett."

"Hey, it's me. I was wondering if you were available tonight."

"Uh, Will, I meant to call. No, I still have Ethan."

"What? I thought they were going to pick him up this afternoon."

"There were complications during the surgery, and Emma is in intensive care. I'm watching Ethan until her parents can get here tomorrow afternoon."

"Oh. Wow. Well, there isn't anyone else who can take him?"

Kate shook her head and rolled her eyes. Castle came back into the room just in time to see her expression. Kate looked at him and put her finger over her lips. Not one word.

"No, Will, there isn't anyone else who can take care of him."

Now it was Castle's turn to roll his eyes.

"I do need to see you though. Tomorrow night?" She said, knowing that it wouldn't be a 'date.' Kate hated this.

"Yeah sure, tomorrow night. I'll pick you up at 7."

"Great. I'll see you then."

"I love you, Kate."

"I'll see you tomorrow night." She couldn't prolong it any more. She certainly wasn't going to let him think that she loved him.

As if on cue, Ethan started to cry in the bedroom.

Kate quickly headed for the baby.

Castle headed to the kitchen to make the bottle, remembering the 3:1 ratio of breastmilk to formula Avery instructed them to try.

Kate was tense when she came back with Ethan. The recent decision she had made along with the results of Emma's surgery left her upset to say the least. And to top it off, Ethan wasn't calming down. Kate handed him off to Castle who quickly put the bottle in the baby's mouth. Heading into the living room, Rick watched Kate pace back and forth. Ethan took more than half the bottle before Rick could stop him to burp. After getting two good burps out of him, Castle attempted to give him the rest of the bottle. Ethan would take the nipple in his mouth, cringe, and push it back out with his tongue, crying even louder.

Castle tried burping him again; maybe there was more air in there. Ethan cried even harder. Just then the doorbell rang. Food's here. "Kate, can you try? I'll go get the food."

Kate nodded and took the wailing child. While he was content to be in the "feeding" position, cradled in the crook of her elbow, the bottle was not what he wanted. Kate had seen this before, although, she had always been in the position to get a baby back to his mother. Speaking softly to the child, she said, "This equipment doesn't work little man, if you're hungry, the bottle will have to do." Ethan continued to push the bottle out with his tongue and proceeded to get more and more upset. Kate would hold him vertically on her chest, but he continued to try to get in "nursing" position.

Castle had dropped the food in the kitchen and was quietly observing the situation, wracking his brain for a solution. He could see that Kate, who was already tense, was getting more and more upset. Then, suddenly, a memory from long ago popped into his head.

Castle grabbed Ethan's pacifier and came up behind Kate. Speaking softly, he relayed his memory. "I think I know what's going on here. You're upset and he senses that, so he wants the most comforting thing he can think of."

"Then maybe you should take him."

"Won't work, Kate, it will only frustrate him more."

"If you're about to suggest that I try nursing him, you've lost all your senses and you're about to lose your life."

"No." He chuckled. "But now that you say it that would be something to see." He grinned.

She shot him a look. "Focus, Castle. This is getting out of hand."

"Okay. When Alexis was about six weeks old, Meredith had given up on breastfeeding. She wanted her body back…whatever. Anyway, one day during the weaning process, Alexis was having none of it. She wanted to nurse and that was the only thing that would make her happy. After trying many different things, one thing finally worked. Meredith unbuttoned her shirt…"

"CASTLE!" Kate hissed.

"I'm not suggesting…anyway, don't shoot me." He just decided that action was best at the moment. He dimmed the lights in the room. Castle stood directly behind Kate. He was so close that his chest was up against her back. She would have told him to "back off," but she couldn't find her voice. His hands came around and grabbed the hem of the front of her shirt and gently pulled down until the "V" of the shirt was even with her bra. Ethan, who was still being held upright, slid down with the shirt and stopped screaming.

"Castle, what are you…?"

His arms came up and maneuvered the child into the nursing position gently sliding the pacifier into his mouth. Ethan was completely fooled. His eyes closed and he sucked away on the pacifier, none the wiser.

Castle backed off and waited for her wrath. She turned around, her eyes wide. Ethan was basically asleep, his little hand outstretched on the bare skin above her shirt. "How did you…?"

Castle grinned again. "He just wanted what every man wants…"

"Shut up, Castle. I'm not going to let you pollute this into something nasty."

"Your sister was right, Detective, it does look good on you." He was serious when he said it.

She shook her head almost unnoticeably and stared at the tiny creature, whose breathing was ragged every thirty seconds from being so upset. She blushed at Castle's comment, but her heart melted looking at Ethan. She couldn't deny that this was something she wanted in her future. She took a deep breath and was hit with another feeling she couldn't resist. Kate looked up and Castle was inches from her. She looked in his eyes.

"Did you say there was food?" she asked.