Title: Mission Impossible
Author: Ladya C. Maxine
Rating: T
Summary: see chapter one
Warnings: see chapter one
Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or any of its characters. I am not making any money off of this. I write only to entertain.
Just as there was a time and place for everything, there was also a cause and repercussion for nothing, including Nobodies. And it hadn't taken Roxas too long to noticed that, when certain nobodies said certain things, certain measures had to be taken if one wanted to avoid certain repercussions. Certain measures being, of course, running.
When were such drastic measures needed?
When Luxord said: "Strip poker, anyone?"
Or when Xigbar said: "Betcha I can shoot the Superior's hood right off his head!"
Or when Demyx said: "Hey, look what followed me home!"
Or when Xaldin said: " … Oh …shit."
Or when Saix said: "Grrrrr!"
And anytime the Superior said: "I have something to say…"
All were solid hints that a brisk sprint to a remote location was well overdue.
Even then, none made Roxas more uneasy than:
"Aw, come on, Roxas, trust me!"
A vicious shiver almost made Roxas drop the drinking glasses. Instincts begged him to make a break for it, but he couldn't abandon the plan now. So instead, he tried to ignore Axel, who was about as easy to ignore as a behemoth that had just fallen on top of you.
"You're just jealous that I ripped off your idea and made it even better than before."
"It was a stupid idea to begin with," Roxas said, freezing when the stack of glasses leaned dangerously to one side. "I don't want any credit for it at all."
"You kidding me? It's genius! Not even Marluxia could have dreamed up such a plan."
"And look what happened to him, thanks to the plan he did come up with."
Axel frowned, noticing how sour a mood Roxas was in. But he didn't sympathize with him. The smug grin making itself at home on Axel's face made Roxas hate his best friend even more; so much so that he considered finding a new best friend. That potted plant over there looked friendly enough …
"You're just angry because you're too young to drink," Axel said.
"Am not!"
Actually, he was. Put off because he'd been banned from drinking with the others, that is. Just because he was the youngest didn't mean he was too young to drink. Heck, he barely even existed! Did Nobodies even have age; did they age? If they were teetering on the brink of existence—not dead despite having 'died', yet not living either—did numbers and age mean anything to them? Roxas didn't think so.
"While you all are having fun, I'll be stuck explaining why none of you can even stand to the Superior," Roxas said. "That's, like, double the punishment."
"Well, someone's gotta do it. Of course, you'll have to do it perfectly, or else the Superior will suspect something's up and then the whole master plan will be screwed and we'll all suffer for the rest of our existence." Axel slapped Roxas on a shoulder. "So, no pressure, eh?"
"None whatsoever," Roxas said with a clenched jaw. "I'm so grateful for your faith in me."
"Oh, you'll be thanking me, alright, once we get those two shacked up and off our backs." Axel grinned devilishly. "Or, should I say, once the Superior gets Saix's on his back … "
"Do you actual enjoy thinking about that? You're a perv!"
"Am not!" Axel immediately denied.
"Are too!"
"Not!"
"Too!"
"Not."
"Too."
" … Shrimp."
"Hey!"
Axel turned away from his fuming friend to knock on the lounge doors, which were closed, which was highly unusual, but it was all part of the secretive nature of the master plan. Oh, not that the Superior or Saix couldn't just teleport anywhere they damn well pleased. Nope. That thought never crossed Axel's mind when he was brainstorming. Purely out of spite, a tiny part of Roxas actually wanted them to get caught; just so that he could rub it in the other's face.
Axel made a series of quick taps of the door.
"Remind me to teach you our secret knock," he said, ignoring his friend's millionth eye roll.
There was a shuffle, the door creaked open slightly and a blue eye peeked out before the door was swung open.
"Gentlemen," Luxord said, waving them in, in a very good mood. "Come in and make yourselves comfortable."
Roxas was at least grateful that they hadn't tasked him with lugging down the barrels of rum. Xaldin was rotating his shoulder, trying to work out the stiffness from carting his barrels all the way down from Luxord's Hidden Room Of Goods Not Approved Of By The Superior (the stash room, for short). Xigbar looked as fresh as a daisy: he must have simply used his powers over gravity to transport his share of the barrels.
Hindsight: Xaldin could have used his wind powers to make his load lighter.
Axel was on the same wavelength as Roxas.
"Yo, why didn't you just blow those things down here?" Axel asked the Lancer, plopping down on the couch where Demyx sat looking very nervously at Xigbar, who was on one of the barrels, tinkering with his guns.
"Unlike you lightweights," Xaldin grunted, casting a pointed look at Xigbar, who blew a kiss his way, "I don't need to rely on my powers for everything."
"Whatever," Xigbar snorted, cocking the gun with a satisfying click. "You're just bummed out because you didn't even think of it. As I was saying before, why don't we make things interesting and have a little round of Dead Man's Roulette* while we're at it?"
Which explained why Demyx was shaking in his boots.
"H-Hey, maybe I should sit this one out. You know, I get woozy pretty quickly and—"
"All the better," Luxord said, pouring the first glass and passing it to Xaldin. "The drunker we are, the more useless we'll be."
"Not that you need any help with that," Xaldin snidely said to Demyx.
Demyx looked like he was about to cry. If the guy was this emotional without a heart …
"That was uncalled for. And hangovers never last more than a day," he said. "What if there aren't any missions planned for today? What if, like, he needs us tomorrow. What then?!"
"Then we'll just keep drinking until the time for a mission comes, dude," Xigbar said, hopping off the barrel to take a glass from Luxord. "We hid a couple more barrels in Luxord's room, so we can reload if our systems start to run dry. Lil' dude, you clear on what you have to do?"
"Yes," Roxas sighed, staring at the glasses held in the gloved hands. Only Demyx looked about as miserable as he was as the Nocturne timidly sniffed the drink, scrunching his nose at the strong smell.
"Then, gentlemen," Luxord smiled, raising his glass. "Let us begin. To what shall we toast?"
"To freedom!" Axel said.
"To freedom!" Luxord agreed.
"To freedom!" Xigbar shouted, throwing back his head and emptying his glass before the others had even raised theirs to their lips.
"To an early grave!" Xaldin said, no more convinced that this would work, but not one to walk away from free drinks.
"We're going to be in so much trouble!" Demyx said nervously. Clenching his eyes shut and pinching his nose, he took a mouthful.
As the others began downing glasses upon glasses of liquor, Roxas, leaning against the wall, sighed and wondered how marvellously simple the life of a Dusk must be.
It was hard to know what to expect from nothing, since nothing had no substance or form. Something, which did, could be viewed and studied, but nothing wasn't visible, because it wasn't there. Unless, of course, nothing actually was something, just not visible or tangible. After all, nothing could very well be an umbrella term for everything that no one could see or understand; it wasn't uncommon for mankind to dismiss something as nothing when it could be just about anything. It was said that nothing was said to be certain, yet whether that included solid nothingness, which went against everything nothing stood for, had never been considered.
Which was all good and irrelevant, but it was safe to say that Xemnas had come to expect some things from his fellow Nobodies, and this was not something he thought capable of a bunch of talking nothings.
Standing in the doorway, Xemnas stared at the figures swaying before him like overgrown Dusks.
Ditzy, hiccoughing, giggling dusks.
He'd never, in this life and the one before, ever heard Xaldin giggle, and quickly decided he never wanted to hear that sound again. Demyx was trying to go somewhere, but failed to notice the large couch until he walked right into it, flipping over the back and falling onto the floor, where he erupted in high giggles while Axel pointed—though being so drunk he ended up pointing in the wrong opposite direction—and laughed as well, green eyes crossed. Xigbar and Luxord were singing the eviscerated lyrics of what might have once been a decent song, but could only manage to get the 'Yo ho, yo ho' parts right.
Xemnas was getting eye strain just trying to keep track of their every move so he turned to the only other stationary being in the room.
"Explain," he commanded.
"Um … " Roxas squirmed. To say the Superior was unimpressed was a monumental understatement. "Er … it's like this … Luxord challenged everyone to a … er, drinking game and … well … this happened."
Xemnas found the explanation to be lacking.
It was no secret that Luxord was a compulsive hoarder of otherworldly liquors, and—contrary to popular belief—Xemnas was very much aware of the 'secret' storage room filled with large barrels: he just didn't care what they hid in there, so long it didn't have a mind of its own and its own the means of transportation.
Everyone knew that Xigbar was a thrill seeker. If it promised danger or extreme complications, he'd do it.
Xaldin never turned down a challenge; his pride wouldn't let him.
Axel … was Axel.
And Demyx would put his trust in a carrot.
So, Xemnas found that Roxas' account was acceptable to a degree, but it still did not explain why his underlings would drink themselves stupid on such a random occasion.
"What do you have to say for yourselves?" Xemnas asked them, hoping for an answer but not expecting a straight one.
"Aw, now," Xigbar grinned, teetering to his feet, "Nuthin' to say, eh? Just a lil' fun!"
"Hey!" Demyx shouted, and everyone turned to him, but all he did was fall back on his back, snoring.
If it weren't for the fact that the emergency meeting he'd scheduled had been conceived but fifteen minutes ago, Xemnas would have thought that they'd purposefully gone and made themselves useless just to avoid attendance. Seconds after he'd sent out the notice, Roxas had appeared before him, asking him to come along as there was a little 'situation' in the lounge.
A situation, in the past, had been Xaldin threatening Demyx, or a black hole minding its own business in the middle of the courtyard, or dragon and its fire happily eating away at their fortress: things that they, as powerful Nobodies, could deal with.
Now, however, the problem were the Nobodies themselves. And the only ones left to deal with the drunkards were Xemnas himself, Roxas and …
As though summoned by Xemnas' thoughts, a portal bloomed open and Saix stepped out.
"Sir, you called us … " He couldn't finish as he took in the sad sight of his comrades stumbling and tripping about.
Saix usual stoic composure stemmed from the fact that few things could actually faze him. Seeing Xigbar and Xaldin trying to belly dance to Axel's offbeat drumming did faze him; disturbed him greatly, even.
"Hiya, Saix!" Axel hollered, as if they were on separate ends of the universe. He tried to give the Diviner a thumbs up and almost fell flat on his face. "Lookin' good, all four of you! … Four? No, eight! … No, four! … Noooooo … Arg! Stand still! I can't count ya if your keep jiggling like that!"
"What is wrong with them, sir?" Saix asked the Superior, since it appeared the other was waiting for him to do so.
"Isn't it obvious?" Xemnas snapped, glad to have someone to rant to who'd actually understand what he was saying. "They decided to have a little drinking party."
"Is it possible for a Nobody to become drunk?"
"It has never happened before," Xemnas said slowly, taking a moment to approach the question from a scientific perspective. "We are but shells of our former selves … Yet, we are just that: bodies, and we retained all bodily functions … and it is the physical body that is so susceptible to the workings of alcohol … "
"Aw, yur all pansies," Xigbar drawled, weaving towards them as if he were onboard a ship caught in a storm. Halfway across the room he changed his mind and wobbled back to almost collapse in Demyx' lap. "Join us! Plenty to go 'round!"
"We'd rather not, Xigbar," Xemnas said, frowning at his grinning second-in-command. "You've all had enough."
"A man's tolerance is … is … " Luxord couldn't even finish his otherwise rational sentence, lounging across an armchair with bottle of rum dangling from one hand. "My, those trains sure are loud!"
"SHH!" Xaldin hushed them all.
Silence …
" … The walls are listening," the Lancer said conspiringly, and broke down into the highest giggles any of them had ever heard, which tickled the rest into laughing along with him.
Saix wasn't one for asking useless questions, but the heavy silence that hung between him and the Superior forced him to try and elicit some sort of response out of the other.
"Now what?" he asked, noting that the question had to be the most ineloquent one he'd ever directed towards their leader.
"They are no use to me like this," Xemnas said, watching Demyx stare at his own wriggling fingers in wide eyed wonder. "I wouldn't trust them to make it through a Corridor of Darkness unharmed, let alone go on a mission. Nothing can be done until they've sobered up. Which would put me behind my schedule, though. There are a few documents in Hollow Bastion that I will need before I can continue my work."
"I can retrieve them for you, sir."
"You're not suitable for the task," Xemnas said bluntly, pondering his options.
"If it is a matter of privacy, sir, I—" Saix started, rather stunned by the dismissive reaction.
"I do not doubt your trustworthiness," Xemnas said. "But to find those documents you have to know every corridor, lift and stairway in that fortress, and the exact locations of the rooms where the documents should be. You would have to leaf through the documents to verify whether they are the ones I need, and I'd rather their content remain classified until I am ready to report my findings. And since I cannot disclose the nature of those documents just yet, you wouldn't know what you're looking for, even if you managed to find the rooms. Xigbar and Xaldin are the only two who know the Bastion as well as myself, and they know the documents I speak of. But right now they're unable to even find their way out of this room unaided."
Saix was quiet. It was unheard of, him not being of any use to the Superior. To not be able to serve the one being who could give him his heart back left him feeling as useless as the drunk fools parading around before them. In return for his heart, he was willing to do anything; to put up with anything; to suffer through anything. He'd search that castle for days, weeks, months; as long as it took, if it were to further their cause.
It was a dent in his pride, but Saix did not argue any further. If the Superior didn't want him for the mission, then he would respect the decision.
"Should I reschedule it then for a later date, when II and III are capable of controlling their own two legs?" Saix asked.
Xemnas sighed, rubbing his chin.
"I need those documents as soon as possible."
While the Superior thought, solution, Saix met eyes with XIII, who was standing on the Superior's other side. He'd been well aware of the boy's presence, but had ignored it in favour of the Superior's. Such a strange one, XIII. Saix had watched the latest recruit closely, from a distance, when the Superior had brought him back to the castle. Despite the Superior's high level of interest and enthusiasm, so far the boy had shown no extraordinary power other than being capable of wielding dual keyblades. Their newest member was mature and obedient (unlike the vile XI and XII), and there was more than enough room for growth potential, but all in all XIII had failed to hold Saix's interest for long.
'Please don't eat me, please don't eat me, please don't eat me … ' Roxas chanted, trying to keep up the smile under the sharp eyes. He breathed out loudly when the Superior snapped out of his thoughts, effectively reclaiming Saix's full attention.
"I cannot do without those documents for much longer. I will go for them myself," Xemnas decided, unaware of the staring contest that had been going on. "You'll come with me, Saix, for security measures."
"Yes, sir."
Secretly, Roxas felt a spark of hope. It had worked. The Superior and Saix were going off on their own. Axel's plan had actually worked!
Behind their backs, the tipsy members exchanged high fives. Or tried to. Axel ended up smacking Xigbar in the forehead and Xaldin missed Axel's hand completely and fell right onto Luxord. Demyx slept on.
"And you will be joining us, Roxas."
The silent celebration between the rest came to a stuttering halt.
Roxas felt his smile melt away.
"Oh? … er," he said, screaming on the inside at the thought of being stuck with both the Superior and Saix. "Wouldn't it be better if I stayed here while you're away and make sure no one falls out a window, sir?"
"If they do then they'd be well deserving of it," the Superior said curtly.
"Sir?" Saix simply asked, also not understanding the need to have XIII join them.
It didn't sound like a dangerous mission. The Superior, being as powerful as he was, didn't actually need Saix there to protect him, but it was Organization standards to carry out missions in dangerous areas in pairs, so that at least one could be on look out for enemies while the other focussed on the actual mission itself. Bringing along XIII, however, was redundant, as they did not need the boy's fighting prowess, nor his input on anything. Having him with them would be no more than …babysitting him.
"You will both accompany me to the Bastion. That is an order," Xemnas said, giving the both of them a look that forbid any further discussion.
Saix nodded as Roxas, with much hesitancy, bowed in agreement.
"The rest of you," Xemnas turned back to the other five. "Go to your rooms and stay there until we return. Any damage done to the castle, or to each other, during my absence will not be tolerated. Am I understood?"
"Yup!" Xigbar saluted, though he was facing the other way, talking to a pillar.
"Roxas," Xemnas said, "see your colleagues to their rooms. Saix, fortify the barrier around the castle; summon your Berserker Nobodies to stand guard. With the two of us gone, and the rest indisposed, opportunistic Heartless might attempt to enter the castle while its defence is down. Then, both of you meet me at the Alter of Naught."
The Superior then vanished in a fountain of darkness. Saix followed suit, disappearing through another tunnel. Once they were both gone, Roxas hunched over, hands on his knees as he tried to get his breathing under control.
An arm was flung over his shoulder and the pungent reek of rum assailed his nose.
"Yesh!" Axel slurred, almost dragging Roxas down with him as he struggled to stand. "You duh man!"
"You idiot! The plan backfired," Roxas said, grabbing onto Axel when the redhead's knees threatened to buckle again. "It was supposed to be just the two of them. What am I going to do there? What if I say something and give us away? This wasn't part of the plan!"
"Nah … Hadn't thought o' that either … but now … um … My head hurts."
"You can now keep an eye on them," Luxord said brightly. The rum he was supposed to be pouring into his glass was missing the mark entirely, splashing instead on Demyx's head and plastering his hair to his face, but the Nocturne slept on, unaware. "Make sure things run smoothly and—Damn those trains! I can't hear myself think!"
His colleagues were starting to freak him out, admittedly, especially Xigbar, who had conjured up his guns and was trying to line up a shot, aiming for the glass Xaldin had balanced on Demyx's head. Slumped against Roxas, Axel was humming a lullaby that included the words 'whore', 'spatula' and 'gerbil'.
"You know," Roxas grunted, struggling to drag Axel along, "I'm beginning to think that scrubbing floors is a lot less work than playing matchmaker."
"I'm gonna meet someone," Axel said, growing increasingly heavy.
"Who?"
"Mr Floor."
And down he went like a sack of potatoes, and Roxas, going down with him, got to meet Mr Floor as well. Trapped beneath his friend, Roxas groaned in exasperation, wishing he had it in him to smash his own head against the floor and just end it all.
"How'd Floor get aaaaalllll duh way up der'?" Axel frowned, staring up at the ceiling with dazed eyes. Then he giggled. "He fell too?"
Roxas hoped that the Superior wasn't in too much of a hurry, because this was going to take a while. The sounds of gunshots and surprised shrieks back in the lounge spurred him to his feet.
"I'm never going to trust you again. Ever," he growled at the redhead.
"Mmm, me neither … " Axel muttered, rolling off Roxas and onto the floor. "Stupid you did, huh?"
"Bet I can shoot 'is hood off!" Xigbar laughed from inside, followed by Demyx screaming in terror.
"Yeah, really stupid," Roxas said, just about to push himself up when a hand grabbed him by the elbow.
"Real nice o' ya," Axel muttered. "Guess that's why I like ya so much. Like, really, really, really, really like ya, ya know?" He snickered, motioning for Roxas to come closer. He whispered. "Shhh! It's a secret, 'kay?"
"O-kay … "
Roxas stared at him, but Axel was soon caught up in angry discussion with a little man he called Merton on his left shoulder.
"What, Merton? Nah! I can tell'im. Roxas won't tell nobody! He knows itsa secret. Shhhh…Wha? No! Am not gonna tell'im that!"
"Tell me what?"
All Axel did was grin at his stupidly, tried to blink, lost interest midway through the action and promptly fell asleep on the white tiles.
Sitting on the floor in the hall with his smashed best friend, the echoes of chaos raging behind him in the lounge, a snappy Superior and one berserker waiting on him above in the Alter of Naught, Roxas … laughed. He didn't know why. Maybe he was losing it.
"Maybe it's better if I stop trying to understand you guys," he told to Axel, ruffling the spiky red hair.
Axel grumbled something in his sleep that sounded like "King mouse stole my munny" and turned over.
Tbc …
A/N: Is that an AkuRoku pairing rearing its teeny-tiny yaoi head? Perhaps… Shit, I'm feeling generous. A couple other pairings might crop up in the future. Who knows. I'm just making it up as I go along, as always.
Dead Man's Roulette*: Russian Roulette, of course, but with a twist.
Read & Review, please.