South Park © T. Parker and M. Stone. Ella Tweak, Lilith and Nico belong to meh. Super diva FFN OCs appearing in this chapter:
Sarah Murphy: created by Sorrowsnow
Amy McCormick: created by ZombiesOnYourLawn
Warning: Character death (yeah, I said it…), ideologically sensitive material.
Rated B for blasphemy and D for Damien's surging hormones.
Sorry about the enormous chapter guize. ^.^
*
Now the D and the A and the M
And the N and the A
And the t and the I-O-N
Lose your face, lose your name
Then get fitted for a suit of flame.
–Hell, Squirrel Nut Zippers
"HELL-o, welcome to Limbo!"
Kenny cracked open an eye and found himself in a very familiar place indeed. Dante had been dead wrong about Limbo. It was all hard plastic chairs, mauve wallpaper and tattered issues of Field and Stream from 1983. It always reminded Kenny a doctor's office waiting room.
"HELL-o, welcome to Limbo!"
Kenny looked up and met the eyes of a woman with a bunched face like a baboon's backside crowned with an enormous beehive hairdo. She handed him a slip of paper.
"Here's your number. Please wait until you're called."
Kenny looked at the slip. 534,431? No fucking way. He crumpled the paper into a ball and bounced it off her forehead.
"You must be new." He said pushing past her and walking up to the receptionist's window.
"Sir. The middle aged she-demon behind the desk sounded irritated. "You'll have to wait until your number is ca- KENNY!"
"Hey Roz." He flipped her a grin.
"It's been months!" she leaned across the desk and gave him a hug, then turned to the other she-demons in the office. "Girls! The Immortal is back!"
Kenny waved at the squealing demons, who looked like average women only with tiny horns and forked tongues.
"So what was it this time?" Roz asked, clicking away on her Macbook and bringing up his file.
"Suicide by train. When did you guys switch to Mac?" he asked curiously, digging for his wallet.
"Since His Dark Lordship bought Apple." Roz frowned. "Suicide Kenny? Very naughty indeed."
"It's important Roz." He pulled the picture of Tweek out of his wallet and held it out. "I came for him. Is he here or has he already been condemned?"
Roz perched a pair of reading glasses on the end of her nose and examined Tweek's picture. "Hmm… I could do a search. Do you know the cause of death?"
"Homicide." Kenny said. "Nico."
Roz shook her head. "This must be Tobin Tweak then. We all heard about that. Young master Nico will be in quite a lot of trouble when his father gets back." She clicked the mouse a few times. "He's actually waiting for his appointment in Intake Room 13." She reached into a small box and produced a silver ankh on a chain. "Here's your pass."
"Thanks." Kenny slipped the chain around his neck and pecked her on the cheek.
"Be careful!" she called out.
*
Let no man deceive you by any means: for that day shall not come, except there come a falling away first, and that man of sin be revealed, the son of perdition.
-2Thessalonians 2:3
Sarah Murphy carefully balanced a large tray in one hand while quietly opening Damien's door with the other. She had no idea why Damien always requested such an enormous breakfast, three quarters of it would sit untouched. Her chocolate brown eyes darted around the room, expecting to see Damien getting ready for his first day of school and instead found the Prince of Hell sprawled on his red silk sheets, fast asleep.
Sarah set the tray on his nightstand with a clatter.
"Damien." She said softly. Rousing Damien was a dangerous game. His moods were typically variations on irritated, and he was not a morning person. Sarah frowned and gave him a little shove.
Damien's dark eyes opened slowly and he stretched, spreading his arms wide. Today, it seemed, he was feeling benevolent. He sat up and ran a hand through his hair.
"You have about 45 minutes before school." She said passing him a cup of coffee.
"Why didn't you get me up earlier?" he demanded and tipped his head back, draining the mug in one go. He crawled out of bed, his lean body clad only in black boxers.
Sarah did her best to avert her eyes, but couldn't resist a peek as he disappeared into the bathroom for a shower. She busied herself tidying his desk which was currently awash in magazines, coffee cups and various memos on official Hell business.
"Good morning Sarah." Damien purred in her ear, laughing as she jumped about two feet.
"Not funny!" Sarah said, turning around. Her eyes widened as they darted from his sharp-toothed smile to the red towel that was threatening to slip from his waist.
"Very funny." Damien leaned in close, snapping his teeth at her. "Where's Lilith?"
Sarah backed up slightly. "Lilith should be at school already. She had to see her counselor." She blushed as Damien advanced and placed a hand on her side.
"Yeah? I'd better get there. The entire place could be in flames by now." Damien dropped his hand and smacked her backside. "You're excused."
Sarah stepped around Damien and made for the door, blushing and a bit breathless. Before the door could close behind her, she felt something wet hit her shoulder and fell at her feet.
A red towel.
*
Intake Room 13 was overwhelming in its whiteness. It took a minute or two of furious blinking before Kenny could make out the lone figure sitting at a dilapidated table. The slight boy was dozing in a metal folding chair, his blonde hair tumbling to his shoulders in smooth, almost sculpted, waves.
"Tweek?" Kenny said, confused. He pulled Tweek's picture out of his wallet again and squinted at it.
Tweek opened his eyes slowly and looked up. His sharp little nose and light green eyes reminded Kenny so strongly of Ella that he nodded and put away the picture.
"Hey Kenny." Tweek said serenely. "You die again?"
Kenny blinked. Something was very, very wrong.
"You okay Tweek? Aside from…" he waved his hand to indicate Hell in general. "You seem – calm." Kenny concluded.
"This is Hell Kenny. There are no lattes here." Tweek answered matter-of-factly.
"Right. I came here to f-" Kenny started.
"How's Ella? My parents?" Tweek interrupted.
"Your sister is messed up, dude. You died on her birthday and-" Kenny stopped himself. "That's kinda why I'm here. Come on, before you get condemned." He tugged at Tweek's sleeve.
"I forgot to get her a present." Tweek said lamely, following along with Kenny. "Where are we going?"
"We're getting the fuck out of here, that's where." Kenny pulled him along through the waiting room.
"But – nobody ever gets out of Hell except you and Satan." Tweek protested.
"Shhh!" Kenny stopped and cocked his head, listening. Tweek imitated him.
"Goddamn you beetches! I want a fucking smoke!"
"The Mole?" They said in unison.
Kenny pulled Tweek through the crowd and nearly stumbled over Christophe Moliere who was jabbing his shovel at several Limbo attendants and spitting mad.
"Fucking cigarette!" Christophe yelled.
"This is Hell." Tweek said to the furious Frenchman. "They don't have cigarettes.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!"
Kenny turned to the bewildered attendants and smiled reassuringly. He took Christophe by the arm and maneuvered him through the dispersing crowd of onlookers.
Christophe grumbled and when they were a safe distance away, jerked his arm out of Kenny's grasp.
"Zis is insane!"
"When did you die?" Tweek asked in a strangely tranquil voice.
"Last night, I think." Christophe said, reholstering his shovel.
Kenny listened as Christophe and Tweek exchanged stories. Nico seemed to be the common denominator. He cleared his throat politely.
"They're going to start looking for you Tweek. We have to get out of Limbo." Kenny motioned and smaller boy followed.
Christophe watched them for a minute.
"Beetches." He said, trailing after Tweek.
Kenny led them to a darkened corner of the enormous room. In the shadows sat a rickety lift that looked to be made of human bones. He pressed a series of buttons and the doors parted. When he turned to address Christophe and Tweek, he found them staring, wide-eyed.
"Service elevator." He explained as though it made sense. "Now come on bef-"
"Hey guys." A somewhat nasally voice came from behind them.
The three boys turned slowly.
Kenny stared. "Clyde?!"
"What's going on?" Clyde said casually, even though he was dressed in nothing but a pair of blue briefs.
In a matter of minutes, they'd interrogated Clyde only to discover that he too had a run-in with Nico.
"He was waiting for me in my bedroom. I just remember feeling as though I were burning up inside. Then nothing." Clyde shrugged, as if he were slain by demons on a daily basis. "So what's up?"
"Kenny's getting us out of here." Tweek said, looking dubious.
An intercom crackled. "Tobin Tweak, please report to Intake Room 13."
"Let's go. Now." Kenny insisted, pulling Tweek onto the elevator. He waited impatiently as Christophe and Clyde shuffled on as well. He pressed the number 7 and felt his stomach heave as the lift rattled to life.
"What's on level seven?" Clyde asked, pushing his mop of shaggy brown hair out of his eyes.
"Damien." Kenny said, watching the numbers light up.
*
"Now class, we have a new student joining us today. Say hello to Damien."
Damien smirked. He recognized most of the kids in the class from his years at South Park Elementary. Their expressions ranged from curious to fearful. Good.
"Take that seat right over there Damien, next to Miss McCormick." Mrs. Parker pointed and then returned to writing on the chalkboard.
Damien made his way to the empty desk, ignoring the whispers and some of the very favorable comments made by the female students. He sat and smiled briefly at Amy McCormick, who'd stopped taking notes and was looking at him. He returned the gaze, somewhat fascinated by her wide heterochromatic eyes. They were odd, but lovely. He winked slowly at her and turned his attention forward.
Mrs. Parker droned on about the Grapes of Wrath. Damien stared straight ahead, but his mind was on Nico. He has to be stopped before Dad gets back, he thought, feeling a headache blooming behind his eyes. He hastily scribbled a note to Lilith "Investigate Tweak house tonight…" He started when the bell rang.
Amy McCormick stood. Sitting next to Damien was distracting. He appeared to be listening during the lecture and maybe he'd be able to tell her what it was about. She'd suddenly found it very difficult to pay attention. Lost in thought, she stubbed her toe and dropped her notebook.
"Walk much?" Cartman said, passing her.
Damien stooped, retrieved her notebook and held it out to her.
"Thanks." Amy said, tucking it firmly under her arm.
"Maybe you can help me." Damien said, filing out of the classroom behind her. "I've tried my combination twenty times - nothing." He paused four lockers down from hers and fished a slip of paper out of his tight jeans pocket. He held it out to her, his lips curving into a persuasive smile.
Amy took the slip of paper, feeling heat in her neck as he looked at her. She twirled the lock, feeding in the numbers one by one. As she dialed the last number, she gave the lock a little push and the door popped open.
"These locks suck. You have to push on them a bit." She said, shifting her notebook to her other arm.
Damien patted her arm and tossed his English book into the empty locker. "What's next on your schedule?" He asked, putting up a mirror on his locker door and checking his hair.
"Geometry." She replied, opening her own locker and pulling out her math book. She closed the door and found Damien standing behind it.
"I think Lilith is in your class." He said silkily. "Give her this for me." Damien handed her a folded note and tugged on a lock of her hair. He turned to walk away but paused and looked back over his shoulder. "Maybe I'll catch you later and you can teach me everything you know." He smiled slowly, the tips of his sharp canines glinting against the pink fullness of his lower lip. "About the Grapes of Wrath, I mean." He clarified and then strode off down the hall towards the quad.
*
"I'm sorry Kenny" Sarah Murphy said, carefully folding a mound of black clothes. "You just missed him. I'm not too sure when he'll be back."
Kenny thanked Sarah and returned to Damien's living room where Christophe, Tweek and Clyde sat on Satan's pink chintz sofa, looking very uncomfortable. He shook his head.
"Sheet."
"Now what?" Tweek asked, as the boys followed Kenny into Satan's bedroom. The room had sort of a cave-meets-shabby-chic ambiance and while Kenny took no notice of the overly feminine décor, Christophe's eyes boggled.
"Zis is where Satan sleeps? No sheet?" he asked, frowning at the pink cordless phone on the nightstand.
"We arm ourselves. We have a long walk ahead." Kenny answered Tweek and opened a white armoire plastered with pictures of Satan and a handsome, dark-haired man. He examined the rows of weapons and other dangerous looking implements within.
"Sweeeet." Clyde said, removing a silver-tipped spear and hoisting it experimentally.
"Satan is a sweesh?" Christophe went on.
Kenny buckled a scabbard belt around his slim waist. "A what?" he said, sheathing a sword and handing a mace to Tweek.
"A sweesh, you beetch. Fey? A card-carrying friend of Dorothy? A homosexual?" the Frenchman ran his hand through his rumpled hair.
"Yeah. He's gay dude." Kenny said pointing to the remaining weapons.
"Non." Christophe said, giving his shovel a loving caress. "I cannot believe zis." He shook his head. "And I thought God was a faggot."
"Well so what if he is?" Tweek said.
Kenny closed the armoire. He'd heard a few stories about Tweek, most of them from Butters who was not only a friend of Dorothy, he occasionally wore the ruby slippers.
"Dude. Are you gay?" Clyde asked Tweek, puzzled.
"Not really. I like both." Tweek shrugged. "Doesn't everyone?"
"No." Kenny and Clyde said in unison.
"No." Christophe said half a beat later, and sounding much less certain.
*
12:01 a.m.
It was an unusually quiet night in South Park. Thick, wet flakes of snow slanted down on the slumbering town, carried by a brisk wind. Mayor McDaniels had instituted a mandatory 9 p.m. curfew for all citizens after a tremendous public outcry in response to the recent murder of Clyde Donovan. All public gathering places were closed and the South Park PD were predictably stumped.
Only sound of the wind could be heard in Alpine Court. The ground was thick with snow and the houses were dark. In house 133, a green light pulsed in an upper bedroom window.
Lilith blinked, disoriented. As her vision righted itself, she vaguely recognized Ella Tweak's room. She tiptoed over to the bed and saw the girl sleeping, her curls spread over the pillow, blankets bunched at the end of the bed. Lilith moved to pull the covers over the sleeping Ella but recoiled at the sight of a rosary wound around one of her pale hands. Nevermind.
Lilith turned her attention to Ella's desk and dresser, looking for any clues, anything Nico might have left behind. Her quick search turned up nothing. She chewed her lip thoughtfully. He had to have given her something. Something to keep her quiet, something to compel her to work on his behalf. Lilith tapped her teeth with a fingernail and as a last resort, opened Ella's closet.
Lilith pushed aside a variety of shirts, skirts and pants before throwing up her hands. She turned to close closet and there, hanging on a hook on the back of the door, was an oversized dark gray hoodie. Lilith put her hand out, touched it hesitantly and felt a thick, wooly fog nudge it's way into her brain. Numbness crept up her fingertips and she pulled her hand back. Gotcha. Lilith pulled a duffel bag out of the closet and stuffed the coat into it, touching it as little as possible. She quietly closed the closet door and was gone with a snap and another pulse of light.
*
"I wish I had a taco right now."
Kenny pinched the bridge of his nose, then realized he was pulling a Stan and dropped his hand. Clyde had only mentioned his taco craving about hundred times in the last four hours.
"This is Hell Clyde. In Hell, not only do you not get tacos – you don't get to eat." Kenny said, continuing his slow and steady climb up a narrow rocky path flanked by a pool of molten lava and a valley of razor sharp stalagmites. In Hell, everything was uphill. Everything.
Tweek, following just behind him, was calm and quiet. Christophe trailed Tweek, his shovel at the ready. Clyde dragged his spear behind, now contemplating not only a tacoless eternity, but hurtling through infinity with a growling stomach. Clyde was not pleased.
Kenny hummed the overture to Gluck's "Orfeo Ed Euridice" as he walked. Although he had a plan, he wasn't entirely sure how it would all work out, now that there were four of them instead of just two.
"Kenny?" Tweek said from somewhere behind him.
"Hmm?" Kenny continued humming.
"Thanks for coming to help me – even if we end up falling into a lake of fire and writhing in agony for a few millennia, I appreciate it."
Kenny closed his eyes briefly. "You're welcome." He didn't have the heart to tell Tweek that it had little to do with him, and a lot to do with his sister. Kenny slipped the picture of Ella out of his breast pocket and looked at it briefly as he walked. She wasn't even close to being the cutest girl in school, but her smile just lifted him up. That, and she has a hot freakin ass… Kenny didn't allow those thoughts to dwell long. It might've been okay with Heidi, who was very pretty in a sluttish way with a decidedly inferior ass, but somehow it seemed rude with Ella.
"And so I'm going to ask her out, when I get back…" Tweek said.
Kenny dimly realized Tweek had continued talking to him while he'd been attempting to think pure thoughts about his sister. He stuffed the picture back into his pocket.
"Ask who out?"
"Vivi Sykes." Tweek said. "She's awesome."
Kenny stopped walking. They had reached a large plateau and he could hear the others gasping behind him, both in fear and awe.
"Holy sheet."
*
Again. Sorry for the extra long chapter. Lots going on here.
For the curious, the title of the chapter refers to a story told in the apocryphal Gospel of Nicodemus called "The Harrowing of Hell." In the story, Jesus returns to hell to rescue all the righteous unbaptized Old Testament figures and bring them up to heaven. Did I just equate Kenny McCormick with a messianic figure? Yes I did. Is it blasphemous? Yes it is.
Also, a brief mention of Dante's Divine Comedy.
"Hell" (c) Squirrel Nut Zippers