South Park © T. Parker and M. Stone. Ella Tweak, Lilith, Nico and Ashmodei belong to me.
Cheesy Poofs appearing in this chapter:
Lucy Montgomery: created by Kootie Bomb
Vivi Sykes: created by PiScEs-BlOsSoM69
Amy McCormick: created by ZombiesOnYourLawn
Sarah Murphy: created by Sorrowsnow
Lucky Day: created by Doomed-Orange-Parka
Sorry for the delay in updating. This week was pretty bizarre.
Hah! I had this chapter almost completely written, then decided to re-write it so I could play with first person perspective rather than trying to describe everything that happened play-by-play.
It's an experiment! It might fail! Yay! Anyway, here are the events as they transpired, brought to you by three separate narrators…
*
Over the years, I have become somewhat accustomed to the strangeness of South Park. I was born here, I grew up here and, if God hates me, I'll die here too. I learned early on not to hang out with Stan and his friends, and to never give Eric Cartman my birthday money. Despite all of these great life lessons, the complete chaos that surrounds our bizarre corner of the universe still has the power to shock and disgust me.
At this particular juncture, the sight of Big Gay Al in a pleather Santa thong barely registers on my radar of strange. Instead, I feel a small twinge of gratitude that he actually refrained from appearing in the nude. If only Mr. Slave had showed the same restraint…
My current companion, Lucy Montgomery, waved cheerfully at Lucky and Clyde as they returned from the Ferris wheel. While Lucy was certainly far from nice and boring, her wildness was comprehensible, quantifiable. She existed, like Clyde, as an island of sanity, of normality, in the vast sea of madness I was forced to navigate on a daily basis. It didn't hurt that she was cute.
Tweek appeared on my left, his arm still linked with Vivi's. He looked a bit less nervous than usual, save for an occasional twitch of his nose or an involuntary squeak. Vivi chatted amiably and Tweek nodded. I felt Lucy tug on the sleeve of my coat and followed her pointed finger to the sno-cone cart. It was, of course, only ten degrees and I opened my mouth to point out this painfully obvious nugget of wisdom when the ground trembled beneath my feet. A strange orange glow pulsed a few blocks down the street, its source obscured by the crowd of revelers.
"Craig?" Lucy said and looked up at me, perhaps forgetting to mutilate my name in the face of these phenomena. I took her by the shoulders and gave her what I hoped was a stern glare. When I spoke, I looked into her glittering dark eyes, but my voice was for everyone.
"We are NOT going to investigate the spooky glow."
***
I'm a relatively simple guy, despite my unconventional upbringing. I like nice clothes, fast cars, cute girls and good food. I've always found mortals curious creatures, their motives inscrutable, their emotions complex. My own feelings encompassed three basic spheres of experience: anger, lust and amusement. I have, for some time, wondered if this was the limit of my emotional range. Today, my doomed, misguided stepbrother Nico disabused me of this theory and taught me a new way to feel.
I remember their faces as the cold left me. My father: furious. His 'husband': curious. Sarah: sympathetic. As Ashmodei pried the details of my encounter with Nico from me, I felt a strange surge in my chest that reached up into my throat and squeezed. Only later, after extensive discussion with Lilith, would I be able to label this new feeling. Humiliation. From humiliation, a familiar flame was kindled and I barely controlled my fury as I turned to Sarah.
She was simply dressed and her white hoodie glowed in the moonlight. I could just make out her deep brown eyes, set like jewels in the pale oval of her face. I stuffed down my anger as much as my brain would allow before I addressed her.
"Sarah." I flinched at the tightness of my own voice. "I know it's your day off, but would you mind-"
"No Damien. I'll have your bed, and Lilith's, ready when you return." She said, giving my hand a squeeze. I managed to return it without involuntarily pulverizing the bones of her hand.
Sarah could always be counted on and occasionally I dimly wondered if she got tired of looking after me. I'd entertained thoughts of pursuing her, but was explicitly forbidden, given her mortality. I flicked my fingers and a shimmering portal wreathed with flames appeared before us. I didn't even have the heart to give her a parting slap on the backside as she went.
As I ran through the field and the empty side streets of that wretched little town, my mind raced with the possibility of a second confrontation with Nico ending badly for me. Musing aside, the sound of my father's footfalls behind me told me that I would have the advantage this time.
I turned a corner sharply and found myself face-to-face with Lilith. Amy McCormick stood beside her, still wearing her Harbucks uniform complete with tattered Converse.
"Lilith!" Ashmodei barked. "I told you to wait!"
Lilith wailed and was heading for a full blown tantrum when a familiar orange light pulsed across the street, accompanied by a blistering wave of heat.
"What's over there?" I asked aloud. It was Amy who answered.
"The church." She said, her teeth chewing at her full lower lip in what might have been pensiveness or merely curiosity. Her wide heterochromatic eyes reflected the strange glow, and the delicacy of her profile beneath the ridiculous Harbucks visor did not escape my appreciative eye.
My fathers persisted with their sermon on obedience and responsibility, Lilith's protests squashed by the onslaught of parental disapproval. In my zeal to pursue Nico, I left them quite behind, pushing through the crowd until the doors of the church stood before me. I turned, and found Amy standing next to me. I didn't see Nico in the scattering group of carolers at first, but my eyes found Kenny McCormick's, and followed his gaze to my target.
Nico's profile betrayed his rage. One of his sharp-nailed hands was closed around Father Maxi's throat and the other was poised to strike. He seemed to be addressing Ella Tweak, who emerged from the church with her hands behind her back. Kenny looked between the small blonde girl and furious demon, his worry etched on his thin face.
"Give me the book, you stupid girl!" Nico snapped, shaking Father Maxi like a rag doll for emphasis.
I watched as Ella descended the steps, her hands still firmly behind her, her mouth grim below her pointed nose. My eyes widened as she suddenly brought her hands forward and revealed not the Necronomicon, but a silver aspergillum in her right and a large wooden crucifix in the left.
"Oh shit." I heard myself say aloud, but Amy was silent beside me.
Before I could react, Ella swung her right hand in a slashing arc, splattering Nico with holy water, the aspergillum flashing in the moonlight. I flinched instinctively as Nico screamed, his skin on his face blistering and dissolving as he clutched his head.
"Woah. That actually works?" Amy said with faint surprise.
"Articles of faith are only dangerous in the hands of the devout." I shrugged, but knew that holy water wouldn't stay Nico for long.
He thrashed, releasing his grip on Father Maxi who crawled towards the church steps. Nico's raw skin split, revealing a black, almost reptilian form beneath. He lunged blindly, his sharp nails exchanged for the curved talons of his demon form. I watched, somewhat stupefied as one long claw arced towards Ella's chest. It was stayed by Kenny McCormick, who stepped in front of the small girl and caught the slash across his belly. His intestines spilled, and I could see the steam rising as they splattered on the chilled pavement. Kenny cackled and fell backwards, slumping against the steps.
"Idiot." I sighed.
Nico lunged again, but recoiled as Ella stood in front of Father Maxi and the still cackling Kenny, and brandished the crucifix.
I completely forgot myself watching the scene before me and was startled by Amy's cry of fury as she stepped forward and flung her phone at Nico. It bounced off his shoulder and clattered to the sidewalk at his feet.
"Bastard!" she shouted, her usually placid face steely.
Right... Kenny's her cousin, I reminded myself. Still, she ought to be used to his heroic antics and their unfortunate consequences by now.
Nico roared, and while the sound was merely irritating to me, it was unbearable to mortals. I caught a flash of white as Ella dropped to one knee, her hands clapped over her ears. Amy cringed, but seemed less affected than the others.
The black demon turned, and we locked eyes. Without warning, he raised his hand, sending a large, blue bolt of ice rocketing towards me. I could feel the numbing cold as it approached, unable to raise my hand in time to deflect it. A sudden jerk on my arm sent me crashing sideways into Amy. It took me a second to realize that she'd pulled me out of the way, but before I could thank her, a second bolt hit her squarely in the chest and froze her where she stood.
I stepped forward. My hate fused with my anger and surged down my arms. My fingers crackled as I brought my hands forward. With a whiff of ozone, forks of red lightning leapt from my fingers and seized Nico. His screams became soundless as his black demon flesh peeled from raw, red bone under my assault. His eyes bulged. Wine-dark blood bubbled at his mouth and in an instant he disintegrated, leaving only a large cloud of acrid smoke behind.
"Damien! You are grounded!"
I turned slowly and met the disapproving gaze of my father, his ruby lips pulled in a tight little frown. Ashmodei held up a pale, slender hand and Lilith's green eyes were wide.
"No. I'm okay with this."
"Ash, are you – your only son!" my father said, looking at his lover in amazement.
"No. It's cool. I swear." Ashmodei shrugged indifferently then looked to his little dark-haired daughter. "Lil?"
"Well." The girl said, with a fluid shrug so very like her father's. "He was a total dick."
***
My name is Kenneth James McCormick. I am fifteen years and nine months old. Today, on Saturday December 12, I died for the five hundredth time. Over the years I've discovered that I'm more likely to die on a Monday, and between the hours of 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. I've asked Satan if there's a reason for this, a pattern. He only replied:
"Mondays suck."
Indeed.
Today's death was not only remarkable for breaking the 500 milestone, but for the excruciating pain and agonizing slowness of my demise. Being eviscerated by a demon is much more painful than being crushed by an errant satellite, and only slightly less painful than the intense pressure from eating too many antacids and chasing them with water. Although I only remember the resulting explosion as a white-hot burst of pain, Stan has always recalled that death as one of my best. Above all, today there was Ella.
Her petite form slowly materialized as the putrid, sulfurous smoke that marked the end of Nico, dissipated. I craned my neck to look up at her, and flipped a crooked grin, though I could feel waves of pain lapping at my chest as I did so. She looked shaken, but unharmed save for a bloody scrape on one knee that rent her tights and sent fingers of blood crawling into her boot. I saw, rather than felt, my hand extend and touch the cut. My fingers were numb, and I hoped I was being gentle. She didn't flinch.
"You're hurt." I croaked.
She looked from my splayed guts and back to my face, her expression incredulous. She took a step closer and then paused.
"I think I just stepped on your pancreas." She said, looking apologetic but faintly amused.
"I'm not using it." I replied, striving for casual, but I never got used to the way the cold crept over me during the slow deaths. I watched her take another careful step and then lean down to touch my pale face. I let my cheek rest in the warm cup of her hand and I studied her. Her face possessed none of Heidi's pouty beauty, but it was without guile. Her eyes were too pale to resemble the deep, glistening emerald of Lucky's, but they were luminescent even in the shadows of the churchyard. Her nose was too sharp, where Bebe's was a perfect taper.
Ella's lips curved and forestalled further comparisons as her face broke with a radiance that made my heart clench. I could read within her eyes the faint promise of a harbor from the tempest of my life. Her smile was second to none, and today it was for me.
"See you soon, Kenny." she said.
I could feel the quiver of her pulse against my cheek as I died.
*
Hmm. I dunno how happy I am with this. Oh well. Sooo… I've got some notes and acknowledgements, and the epilogue – then I can put this baby to bed.
Need… moar… coffee.. O.o