First off, thank you all for taking time out of your lives to review for me! I know school has begun for many, and everyone is très busy. Your reviews mean a lot. I received many great suggestions and comments, too numerous to mention here (plus the Fan fic folks get picky if I mention names— boo). If you are following my fic, please take the time to drop a line or two. I guess Iam just a needy creative type who needs attention. Also, my beta is off for a few days, so I am the only one to proof this; I hope the mistakes aren't too ghastly.
Again, merci, Leesainthesky
RE-cap: As Gabrielle drifts off to sleep in Erik's arms, she tells him that she loves him…
Chapter 26 – All You Need Is Love?
In the morning, Erik was gone. When I finally emerged from my laudanum-induced coma, I reached out for him, only to find unoccupied linens.
Although the effects from the drug had worn off, as evidenced by my aching ankle, it left a thick fog in my brain.
I rolled onto my back and willed my eyes to focus on the canopy overhead. Clips of all that had happened yesterday flickered on the white material like a movie. A subtle feeling tugged at my mental periphery—I was missing something—but what?
I recalled being brought back to the manor, the bath, tea, taking that vile tasting medicine and bits and pieces of conversation.
Erik and I had made our peace, each explaining to the other the true intent of our actions these past few days. I suffered from boredom, the absence of my former life and a need for control over my existence. For Erik there was, fear, and concern for my well being. I'm sure a good dash of his need for control was also thrown into the mixture.
Glancing at my outstretched hand,which rested where Erik had lain, I saw the ruby bracelet. I remember how stunned I was by Erik's generosity and thoughtfulness. I remember how he held his nearly naked body against mine for warmth and sang me to sleep. But, there was something else, something important… damn, how I hated not remembering things!
There was a brief knock on the door. Marie entered without waiting for my reply. She carried a tray with tea, and some sort of food and placed on the bedside table.
"How are you feeling this morning, dear?" she asked while reaching for the thermometer.
"Just dandy, Marie. Erik gave me some laudanum last night for the pain. It's worn off by now. He was going to look at my ankle this morning. Have you seen him?"
She shook the mercury down to the end and motioned for me to open my mouth so I could receive the thermometer.
"I've not seen Monsieur DuPuis yet, it is early. I suppose he is still sleeping. The man is loath to retire at a civilized hour. Can you move your ankle, Gabrielle?"
"A little," I made a face when I tried to wiggle the injured body part.
"Good. At least you have not broken it."
"Hurts like hell, though."
Marie frowned at my use of the expletive, "I can only imagine it does.
Madame, where is your nightgown," she yelped.
It lay on the floor, next to my side of the bed. That had to look bad. Nice ladies did not sleep in the nude in 1877.
"Gosh Marie, I remember waking up and sweating profusely at one point. I must have pulled it off in my sleep…the laudanum you know."
"Oh my yes—you poor dear." She made a hasty move to my side of the bed, collected the garment from the floor, and handed it to me. "Here you are, I'll wait while you get decent."
"Now, let's see how that temperature of yours is this today."
She took the instrument from my mouth and scrutinized it closely. "Excellent. I see my hot tea and extra bed covers worked their magic. Your temperature has risen back to where it should be."
"Yes, thank you kindly for your care Marie, without it, I might still me shivering with cold."
I was sincere about my gratitude, but telling the older woman it was Erik's body that warmed my blood last night, would not have gone over well.
"You are quite fortunate Madame Thomassen. You could have frozen to death in those woods. What in the blazes were you doing roaming about the woods in this weather?"
"I needed some fresh air and got lost, that's all," I lied.
Marie picked up the tray from the table and placed it next to me on the bed. She shook her head while she spoke, "You are an American girl from the city, dear. The woods are no place for you to venture out alone. There are often wolves, and vagabond men hiding out in there. Next time you feel the need to stretch your legs, please do so in the garden."
I lowered my eyes, "Yes Madame Roux, I was being foolish, forgive me."
"Well, I suppose you have learned a hard lesson, dear. What's done is done. Eat so your strength will return to you." She smoothed down the front of her skirts, gathered the teapot and cup from last night and turned to go.
I eased myself up on the pillows and glanced at the alarm clock. Drat, I forgot to wind it, but I could tell from the sun shining into the room, it must be close to noon. Erik should be up by now. Where is he? I wondered out loud.
The laudanum left me in a sort of fuzzy, dreamy state of mind. In spite of my injuries, I felt, well…happy.I spent the night cuddled up in his arms. Sure, it was under the guise of keeping me warm, but the tenderness he displayed while holding me and singing me to sleep was undeniable. Remembering the Savage Garden song he had chosen last night made me smile. The words were beautiful and the fact that this cynical 19th century composer was singing it, made the experience surreal.
I will have to remind myself to limit his IPOD listening to one hour per month. There are only three more packs of batteries left and I'd like to enjoy my own century's music as long as possible.
Hoo boy, life with a man from the 19th century was complicated with a capital C. Even more so with Erik, because he didn't really care about societal norms of acceptable female behavior, yet he had normal expectations from growing up in his culture. It was up to me to sift through the pile of customs and find which ones he did care about and deal with those. My hope was that I could incorporate my own values to the 19th century ones that Erik didn't give a whit about.
I could accept his unconventional behavior if he could allow for mine.
While I was busy mulling things over and licking the jam from an almond croissant, Erik entered the room. He brought with him a try of assorted medical supplies that he set at the end of the bed.
"I need to take a look at your ankle," he instructed brusquely.
"Good morning to you to."
He moved a chair to the end of the bed next to the supplies, and sat down.
"Your ankle, Gabrielle, you'll need to push the covers aside so I may check out whatever damage there may be."
"Okey dokey." I sat up and pushed back the covers from my right leg. He leaned in toward my leg and began pressing lightly on the ankle. Erik made no attempt at conversation, his mouth was set in a straight line and he scowled ever so slightly while he worked on me.
Erik's manner was formal and stiff. Where was the warm and tender guardian who crooned dreamy songs in my ear last night?
I imagined him spending part of his morning ruminating over my flight and subsequent accident in the woods, deciding he should be peeved over my careless ability to place myself in harms way. I suppose I couldn't blame him, but still, hadn't we moved past it?
"Ow!" I jerked my leg upwards. "Why did you bend my ankle like that?" I cried when Erik began to manipulate my foot.
"Checking for mobility, which you obviously have by the way you lurched up and nearly bloodied my nose."
"Well it hurts, you should have told me you were going to do that so I could have braced myself for the pain, Erik.
"Where is the daring Mademoiselle who braves the riff raff of Paris and the frozen countryside for adventure and freedom? Can she not bear the discomfort of a sprained ankle?"
Erik was acting most strange and I had little clue as to why.
"Man, what's gotten into you this morning. Who pissed in your corn flakes?" I grumbled.
He ignored my snippy comeback. "I am going to wrap your ankle with a bandage. You will need a cane for walking. Healing may take up two weeks. After that I suggest you be careful with your activities for a while, lest you impede your recovery. The ankle will be weak from the sprain and needs to be strengthened. Do you understand Gabrielle?" He gave me a stern father-knows-best look and I nodded in understanding.
Erik wrapped a long bandage under the arch of my foot, over the top then looped it around my ankle; he repeated the process over several times until the bandage was spent. He secured it with a pin.
"Do not concern yourself with cooking for the next week. Madame Roux can handle those duties until you are able to stand on both feet."
"Are you sure? There must be something I can do. I have no desire to lie in bed like a lump and read all day as if I were a kept woman."
His expression hardened, "Gabrielle," he hissed, "You have never been a kept women under my roof."
"I-I know Erik, I was simply making light of the situation, as if I were a kept woman, not that I really am."
"Gabrielle, have you any idea of who you in my house?"
"What do you mean by that?" He was beginning to get on my nerves.
Erik turned his head for a moment and clenched his jaw.
He turned back to face me. "Gabrielle, I know little about what makes your mind work. You are not like the women from my time. Your rationale for many of your ideas and actions confound me. I wonder if is it because you are a more highly evolved female and therefore more complicated to comprehend. Are you are sincere and earnest, or a cunning manipulator, keen at simple survival? I too am a master of survival tactics. If one has the will to live, one can make most any circumstance tolerable, dear."
I starred at him wide eyed. What was he getting at? The man's not stupid. Erik must have figured out some of what made me tick by now. The dude was seriously bi-polar. Too bad lithium hadn't been invented yet.
"Erik, dearest, what are you saying to me? I thought we had moved beyond why I wanted to go to Paris. I wanted to be social, to have fun—a normal activity for Gabrielle, 2005. Being social is not a normal activity for you; that is why I ceased bothering you with my need for it. I left afterwards because you frightened me—that lasso of yours. I also thought you…I don't know what I thought. You claimed that you were truly trying to protect me from what I didn't understand. We agreed to talk these things got from now on, so what's up with the cranky bedside manner today?"
"Gabrielle, when I made the decision to bring you here and help you to find your way in my world, I had no intentions of your staying long. You do an excellent job as my chef, you may continue that vocation here at the manor, but I have nothing else for you. Whatever additional needs and desires you wish to have fulfilled, I am incapable of accommodating."
What in the hell was unfolding here?
"My needs? You've seen to every single one of my needs, Erik. What's this crap you're throwing at me now? Last night you said we were okay. You and I have been…very close. I assumed the intimacy we shared was genuine. I do desire you immensely. Is it premature for me to speak of such things? I have but this life to live Erik, I am not going to waste it second-guessing myself. Do you find this confession offensive?"
"No, I find it flattering, but I cannot decide if you are sincere. I think to myself, is she trying to deceive me for personal gains? Is she confused, clinging to the only man she know in an unknown world; or could she be expressing gratefulness by sexually gratifying a disgusting ogre of a man who has saved her from harm and starvation?"
I smacked the bed with my hands, "Why Erik Dupuis, have you been sniffing glue? You're delusional!" What a demeaning thing to say to me! If I were trying to be a kept woman, do you think I would have put up such a fuss truing to get away from here two days ago? Sure, there are instances where people who come together in times of adversity, share a post traumatic bond that often leads to incompatible relationships, but I am not doing that with you. In fact, enticing as you are, you are not an easy fellow to like. How dare you insinuate I would grant sexual favors for anything other than genuine affection? That's just plain cruel, Erik."
I choked back anger filled tears as I continued, "Where is this unexpected change coming from? Is it something I said or did last night? I was doing that drug you gave me, so I could have flown to China and back and not have known it."
Erik picked up the medical supplies on the bed; methodically placing them back on the tray. Without looking at me her spoke, "Gabrielle, laudanum can give a person what is called loose lips. People often speak what is sitting on the rim of their conscious mind, but would not otherwise divulge. The drug mimics truth serums, because what one says is the truth, but one not indented to be heard."
"And this all means…?"
"You do not remember, do you Gabrielle."
"I remember a sweet man who gave me a beautiful present and who held me all night to keep me warm. I remember you singing to me and kissing my cheek. I remember being happy, that's what I remember, Erik."
"Before you fell asleep, you told me that you loved me, Gabrielle."
Upon hearing this bit of news, adrenalin began to spike and flow. I grew hot with embarrassment. For weeks I had considered that I might love Erik, oh not just as a dear friend; that I had felt for a long time, but as a lover.
The more I knew him; the more I knew I wanted to be with him. But love is not a word to be tossed about lightly, especially when you are not even in your own time frame, and dealing with someone who has been gravely scared by love and who may not be able to love back.
I held onto my heart's secret, hoping for an appropriate time to share my revelation with Erik. If that time never came, he would know no better and my pride would remain intact. Good god, he wasn't handing this well at all. Obviously hearing my declaration of love freaked Erik out enough to turn his heart to stone. Once again my future lay in the hands of another.
"Erik, I said shakily," I honestly don't recall saying that, I do remember getting chatty and you laughing at me. I really said that, did I?"
"You said you loved me, therefore I believe that you think you must. TO think otherwise would be impertinent." He stared straight at me, his face expressionless.
"Well it is true. Now you know. I've been holding onto the secret for a while now, but I wanted to be sure of my feelings and of how you might receive them. I feel like a dumbass blurting it out in my drug-induced stupor. I'm mortified, Erik."
"Gabrielle, you know not what you say. There is so little you understand of Erik. If you did, you would hate him. Monsters are not acquainted with the workings of love. We do not know how to love back.
I pounded the bed with my fists, "Erik, you are not, not, not a monster! Maybe you once performed monstrous acts, I don't know the absolute truth. All I know is who you are now. Our cultural-time disparity coupled with our mutual willfulness makes relating complex at times; however, more daunting difficulties have been overcome by many a lover. If your feelings do not mirror mine, it's okay, really. Loving someone does not require that the other person love you back. It's nice, but not a prerequisite."
"That, Mademoiselle, is one truth I am privy to," he answered bitterly.
I assumed this was a reference to the infamous Christine of his heart.
"I let slip my heart's secret, and now you are upset with me for it. Is being loved such a bad thing. You once said, all you needed to be good was to be loved."
"Did I? I said that to you—when? I do not recall speaking those words to you."
I scanned my mind for the incident. Did he tell me or had I read it in the Leroux novel? That one line must really have been from Erik's mouth. Opps, I'd better insist that he did speak those words to me, or his methodical genius will figure out that I know more than what I have been telling him.
"Of course, how else would I have known you said it?"
Erik rubbed his chin and looked thoughtful, "I once thought it was all in the world I desired. Now, I have lived so long without love, I would only destroy the one who offered it to me. Gabrielle, your love for me would be like a pure sacrifice laid upon the alter of death."
I jumped up and knelt before him on the bed, ignoring the stab of pain to my ankle. "Erik, no one is exempt from the privilege of being loved."
Swiftly he advance on me, ripped his mask off, and thrust his face within inches of mine as if to shock me. "Decades of enduring mankind's denial of my privileges as a human being—as a man have taught me that no one has been made by god with the facility to nurture a love for my kind," he growled.
"I loved Christine and she could barley produce pity for me. She once respected me, she loved my music, why, she even feared me, but love me? Ha! Erik laughed bitterly. "I understand possession and obsession, but I do not understand how to love a woman, Gabrielle. Is that what you desire, my darling, would such a life be tolerable to your delicate sensibilities?"
"Please Erik." I ran the back of my hand lightly down the right side of his face, "I'll show you how; allow yourself be loved. I know you care for me, that is enough. Let me love you."
Upon hearing those words, Erik hung his head in remorse and left.
It was the last anyone in the manor saw of him for over a week.
- O -
Another trip to the angst club—relationships with people form other time periods are so exasperating! They'll move beyond this…promise. Please send me a review or two.
XXOO - Leesa