*******
Pavel smiled gently as Nyota filled him in on what happened on their date.
"I knew he vould be perfect for you Nyota," Pavel grinned as he quickly typed in data on a PADD.
"He has been very good friend to me. He is brilliant. The only man zat can beat me in chess."
Nyota laughed softly, "Well, that is an accomplishment. You never told me about him before."
"Well," Pavel shrugged, "You never asked."
Nyota punched him playfully and Pavel's expression sobered. "I am glad you are okay Nyota. I worried for you many times and when you left, I was very sad to see you go."
"Oh Pavel," Nyota soothed, "I'm fine. And I'm getting better everyday."
"I only want for you to get better and be happy. Will you see him again?"
"Well…," Nyota dodged coyly.
"Nyota, he is great guy. He can even cook," he prodded.
Nyota gave him a playful grin, "Alright, alright I give. He's coming aboard the enterprise tomorrow to help us with research. We're going out on Friday."
"Good," Pavel nodded.
"I do feel guilty though. I mean we're facing the greatest threat the Federation has ever seen and I'm—dating."
"Nyota," Pavel told her, "You must live. Life is not just work, work, work. It is love and happiness and joy. You are very loyal Starfleet officer, you protect everyone and work hard for everyone. You must also protect and work hard for you. Sometimes that is good."
"Thanks Pavel," she smiled and grabbed several PADDs, "I'll keep that in mind. Well, it's back to work I go."
"All work and no play makes Nyota a very dull Keptin," Pavel teased.
Nyota laughed, "I'll see you later Pavel."
Nyota sighed and made her way to the meeting area.
Kirk stood with his back to her and turned when she came in.
"Older Spock will not be here until 1800 hours, but he sent us some preliminary reports. Spock, will be here after he finishes some things in engineering, so for right now it's just me and you. Let's get started."
She didn't miss the icy glare he threw her way before sitting down.
She was alone. With Kirk. Great.
She plastered on a smile and sat down gracefully in the opposite chair. If he is going to be a child about this then fine, she thought and raised her chin determinedly. She was going to be the bigger person and ignore his attitude.
"Where would like to begin?" she asked him smoothly as she began going over the data.
*******
They worked in silence for awhile, fingers tapping quickly across PADDs, eyes scanning through documents and data reports from different sectors in space.
A growing sense of fear began gnawing at Nyota when she saw that several species, including the Velians on Telus-9 had been taken or killed by the same beings that attacked her ship. No one was spared; even infants and young children had been abducted. She shivered. She couldn't imagine what they were going through right now.
She scanned through more reports, noting anything of interest until her eyes began to hurt. She rubbed them and sighed.
"I'll get us some tea and some snacks," Kirk offered and Nyota nodded.
He poured her a cup and Nyota couldn't help but notice it was the same tea that Spock often preferred. She said nothing as she took a sip.
"So, what's up with you and Spock?" Kirk suddenly asked.
Nyota stared at Kirk in shock. "Do you really want to talk about this right now?"
"Well," Kirk replied, "I guess I do."
'You have a lot of nerve," she told him angrily, "We're supposed to be putting together a plan to defeat these—these—beings and you're worried about what I may or may not being doing with Spock. Unbelievable."
"Look, I'm just trying to get some closure here," he asserted.
"Closure?," she echoed, "Closure?! Where was my closure? Where was the space that I needed to heal?"
Kirk turned away guiltily and Nyota reached over and gently pulled his face level with her own.
"You don't get to look away. Just like I had to watch the man I love be with you day after day. Seeing you look at me as if you'd wish I'd disappear. That hurt."
Kirk nervously wet his lips. "Nyota, I didn't want you to disappear, I just wanted you to stop acting like--,"
"Like what? Like I was in pain? Like I was devastated because my friend was sleeping with the man I cared about, gave my heart to? And don't give me that destiny crap. It wasn't destiny at all was it? It was just selfish lust."
Kirk tried to interrupt but Nyota held up her hand. "You do not get to speak. I've waited a long time for this Kirk. You are a selfish, manipulative, hurtful little man whose ego is only matched by the amount of hateful envy you have bottled up in that hick brain of yours."
Kirk flinched as if he'd been slapped. "This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. Nyota, you've changed, you've never been this hateful--,"
"No," she interjected, "I've never been this truthful."
She glared at him a moment before continuing, "I lost everything. My friend, the man I loved, my faith in people, my joy, my child--," her voice wavered. "I'm sorry I didn't feel enough pain for your liking about that last one. After all, Lord knows I wasn't in enough pain as it was!," she spit out sarcastically.
"I didn't want you to be in more pain Nyota!" he exclaimed, "I just wanted you to be more—emotional about things."
"Emotional?" Nyota chuckled bitterly, "Here I am about to tear my hair out, losing weight, not eating, not sleeping and you wanted me to be more emotional?"
She shook her head, "You know what I think? I think you didn't really care that I lost it and you were transferring your emotions onto me."
Kirk shook his vigorously, "That's not true. I never wanted you to lose your baby. You were the one who was acting as if the baby didn't matter."
"How would you know? How would you know what I was feeling? I was in shock. I couldn't even fathom being alone, and even more, being alone and pregnant. I barely had time to process all my feelings and here you are, being the certified expert on all things Nyota Uhura," Nyota applauded, "Congratulations Kirk, you know everything."
Kirk's crossed his arms defensively. "Hey, I offered to let you see the ship's counselor, you refused any help I was giving you."
"Oh how magnanimous!," Nyota's saccharine tone held a hot tinge of anger, "I get to see the ship's counselor. And just what do I say? Oh, yeah, I'm having emotional problems because the captain is sleeping with the first officer?"
"Hey, this isn't my fault!" he wailed.
"It is your fault. It's your fault because you had a choice to say no. You had a choice to say 'Hey Spock Prime, I know you want this destiny crap and all but I love my friend and refuse to hurt her,'" she continued, "You could have told Spock 'Hell no, I won't sleep with you,' and you had every right to come to me and alert me to the situation."
"Why didn't you come to me Kirk, Why?," Nyota asked sternly.
Kirk remained quiet for a long moment and then replied, "I guess—because I didn't want to. I guess I wanted to believe it was all for the best."
"Well it wasn't,"
Kirk grimaced. "I—I guess not."
"You're damn right. And you know what else?,"
Kirk simply stared at her.
"What hurts me is that you all carried on this thing behind my back. You lied. How long had this been going on before you all decided to be so honest and tell me about it?"
Kirk fidgeted. "Three months."
"Three months! Three damned months and you couldn't tell me?!"
"I told Spock to tell you but he didn't think it was the right time,"
Nyota laughed, "Oh, so you're just going to just put it all on Spock huh?"
"I thought he told you!"
"Oh, you thought he told me," Nyota smiled icily, "You didn't think it was suspicious that he was still coming home to me every night? That I was still carrying on like normal?"
"I just thought you were handling it well."
"Oh really?," Nyota gave him a knowing look.
"Yeah, really," Kirk agreed.
"Well, then, it seems like Spock played the both of us Kirk, you're just too stupid to realize it."
"He told me you all weren't--you know," he began.
"No I don't know. Maybe you should tell me."
"He told me you all weren't—messing around anymore."
"Oh yeah, that. I suppose my getting pregnant was immaculate conception too, huh? Oh please. We were still pretty damned physical until about a month before his little announcement."
Kirk blinked. "That's not true; you would have known, I thought you all had a telepathic thing going."
"You mean a bond? It doesn't work like that. Yes, we had a link to each other, but it wasn't a bond. Even if it was, I would have respected his privacy. I never would have gone too deeply where I was not wanted."
Nyota calmly began sipping her tea and watched as Kirk unraveled.
"But—But I would have known….you're lying….if he would have not told you…,"
Nyota shrugged and took a cookie from the plate before her. She nibbled delicately and he watched her.
"You're enjoying this aren't you?," Kirk told her, "You want to see me suffer."
"Actually," Nyota told him and sat her cup down gently. "Unlike some people, I don't like intentionally causing others pain."
"I don't lie to my friends. I don't use them, I don't manipulate them and I sure as hell don't sleep with their boyfriends," she added.
Kirk flinched again. "That was unfair."
"Really, what's unfair?"
"The way you're acting."
"And how am I acting?"
"Like you're miss goody two shoes over there. As if you've had nothing at all to do with anything that happened. If Spock was so happy why'd he leave? Can you answer that?"
"I can't," Nyota conceded, "And maybe you're right. I didn't fulfill some need he may have had. But I'm not telepathic. A relationship is about communication, and you all took away any options I could have had to try and make things right."
Kirk sighed. "He still loves you, you know,"
Nyota said nothing as tears filled Kirk's eyes. "I could sense it, I think. Every time we-," Kirk paused, "It didn't feel like it was just me and him. But I just thought it was natural to have some feelings for your ex. After all, I still have feelings for Gaila, even though she's gone. But it seemed a bit different, but I ignored it."
He looked at Nyota. "That's partly why I wanted to transfer you so badly. I thought that if you left, he could stop feeling anything for you. If I had you out of sight, you'd be out of mind. I did want to help you too. So, I thought it would solve everything."
"But Spock wanted me to transfer too," Nyota reminded him.
"Only because you were so unhappy. He thought that if you'd transfer, you'd get yourself together and you'd eventually come back."
"But you wanted me gone. Completely."
"Yeah," Kirk admitted, "I did."
"What did I do to make you hate me so much Kirk?," Nyota asked.
Kirk looked appalled. "I never hated you Nyota."
He rubbed his temples and sighed, "I just, I don't know. You were so damned depressed. I hated seeing you like that. I hated to think I was the reason. Look, you don't understand. You've never had to be afraid."
Nyota looked at him as if he'd suddenly sprouted wings. "What do you mean I've never been afraid? Fear is an emotion every living creature has including me."
"Nyota, people like you just because you're you. I've never had that. You're always so confident and competent no matter what you do. I've had so much to live up to. First, I've had my father's legacy to live up to. And I even had my own reputation to live up to. The farm boy that'll chase anything with two legs. Everyone wanted apart of the legend. But not me. It was never really about me as a person. So when Spock came to me--,"
Kirk swallowed convulsively, "It was nice to be wanted for me. But even then, it was hard for me to live up to the legend older Spock had built up in my head. So, I thought it would be easier to pretend that I could be that person if you weren't around, constantly reminding me about how I couldn't save everything or everybody."
Kirk smiled at her through a haze of tears, "As much as I care about Spock, I know you're the better person for him. And when you were made captain, I hated it,"
"I know," Nyota nodded.
"I hated it because you have it all laid out. Brains, personality, ability to lead—you don't have to work like I do."
. "Yes I do," Nyota contradicted, "I have spent years building my career. I studied relentlessly so I could be the best. Do you think it was easy watching everyone have fun while I was out studying, trying to get the best grades? It wasn't easy, but I did it because I've always wanted this. You didn't even really want to be on a Starship. You fell into this. If anything, I should hate that YOU are captain, but I don't."
Kirk was silent for a long series of moments. He sighed and looked off into space.
"Do you love him?," Kirk finally asked.
"I don't see how it's any of your business if I do."
"I guess that's fair. But are you—with him now? Are you--?"
"Am I what?"
"Sleeping with him?"
Nyota stared at him for a long minute before saying, "If I told you that I make love to him relentlessly, feverishly and desperately every night, how would you feel? If I told you that when I kiss him, I revel in the fact that he loves ME, how would you feel?"
Kirk gulped and looked away.
Nyota stood and grabbed her PADDs.
As she walked to the doors, Kirk cried out, "I want to know damnit! Is what you said true? Are you just putting me on?"
Nyota smirked. "Wouldn't you like to know? How does it feel now, Kirk?"
As she walked out she bumped into Spock as he was about to come in.
"Have you completed the analysis?"
"No," Nyota told him, "But I think we're done here."
He quickly went inside only to find a sobbing Kirk lying against the table for support.
His eyebrow lifted up slightly. Done indeed.
***********