A/N: Hello you few who have kept up with the last chapters! Here is another for a rainy day! (It's raining here anyway.)
"Who's Carry Rolf?"
Faolan slowly moved her eyes up to meet Alaska's pale blue ones. They held no suspicion, only inquiry, and Faolan played with lying to him. I can't lie to him, she thought a second later. And then, again, I can't lie to him. She stared at him, knowing that he only wondered where this vivid character came from, knew that he was putting two and two together. He knew she wasn't four years old.
:Raul?: Faolan inquired, reaching for the Companion in a numb sort of horror.
:You shouldn't have done it, Fao: Raul whispered, and Faolan heard the same sort of shocked-blank tone in the Companion's voice.
:What should I do?:
:Faolan…: Raul spoke, :I don't know.:
It seemed like ages passed between them, blue eyes against blue eyes, Alaska waiting patiently for an answer. And Faolan felt words begin to press against her tongue, forbidden words- words that could change Valdemar forever.
"I'm"-
"Never mind," Alaska said and stood up. He started to turn away and Faolan grabbed his shirt, holding him and he looked back down at her.
"I'm Carry Rolf," she said.
"Oh," he answered, as if he were totally uninterested, as if he hadn't heard, and when she dropped her hand he turned and walked away, his footsteps leaving imprints on her soul.
I will never go that close again, she thought, watching his retreating back, and when she turned around she saw Noland standing beside Raul, looking serious, and then he turned his gaze to Faolan and she felt this sort of- shock, go through her, and got the intense feeling that he did not approve of her at all. Or at least he didn't approve of what she had done.
"I'm sorry," she whispered to the Companion and then she turned away from him and Raul and ran up to the Collegium to the solitude of her room, where she shut the door and collapsed onto her bed, staring up at the white ceiling, awash in guilt and confusion and shock.
That night she did not go to Rathmir's rooms, as she had every night since the first night. She hadn't slept in their bed anymore, but on a makeshift bed of some quilts in Kayin and Maemi's room. And Rathmir didn't come to inquire where she was, for which Faolan was grateful. She did not go to lunch, nor did she go to dinner, and that night, cold, alone, and hungry, she fell into a fitful sleep.
"Faolan,"Raul said, her voice sounding more like a voice and less like mindspeech. She was standing in the Field, glowing, but everything seemed to have an unearthly glow to it. It was white around the edges. The Companion's voice echoed a bit at the edges as well.
Faolan peered around and then stood up. And when she did, she was not in the body of a four year old. And when she looked at Raul, for a moment she saw a young woman, of about fourteen or fifteen, with dirty blond hair tied back into a ponytail and soft brown eyes smiling over at her- but then it was only Raul again, and Faolan felt momentarily confused.
"It's your manifest of yourself" Raul said and for a moment Faolan saw herself, looking about twenty or so, with long red hair tied back like Raul's had been, with intense blue eyes and a sort of lanky figure.
"Where are we?" Faolan asked.
"At the edge," Raul said, "You're leaving yourself. I'm here to bring you back."
"Leaving myself?" Faolan echoed, and she realized her voice sounded older, too, although not like Carry Rolf's.
And Raul stepped over to her and pressed her nose against Faolan's shoulder and Fao stepped up and wrapped her arms around the filly's neck, burying her face into Raul's mane.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I didn't mean it."
"It's all right Faolan," Raul whispered, her voice soft and sweet, "No harm was done. You can come back now. We all love you, you know that?"
"I know," Faolan whispered and then she was three feet tall again, her arms wrapped around Raul's leg, her face against the Companion's silky hair.
"Wake up now Faolan," Raul urged, "Rathmir is waiting for you."
"Okay," Faolan said.
She opened her eyes and immediately closed them again. Hot, angry sunlight burned through the window and through her eyelids and she moaned and turned over, burying her face into her pillow. She felt hot and cold all over, and her stomach felt so empty that it had shriveled up, like a wilted flower.
"She's awake," Rathmir's voice, sounding very far away, said and Faolan squeezed her eyes shut even tighter as the world seemed to rock around her.
"What happened yesterday?" a new voice asked, this one Faolan identified as the Weaponmaster's.
"I don't know," Rathmir shook her head, "She roleplayed with Alaska and his friends but… after that, she was locked in here from what I can figure."
"Should we take her to the House of Healing?" he inquired.
"Yes," Rathmir said, "Healer Josiah said if her fever became worse to bring her over."
"I'll carry her," William Sommer said and a moment later Faolan felt strong arms wrapped around her and her blankets and lifting her up. She kept her eyes closed and pressed her face against the soft silky Whites he wore, and in a dazed sort of way she realized she could hear his heartbeat.
"Faolan?" Rathmir asked, "Can you hear me?"
"I can hear you," Faolan whispered, and her voice came out thin and dry. Her throat felt scratchy and thick and dry and it hurt to speak.
"You're sick," Rathmir said, "We're bringing you to the House of Healing."
"Okay," Faolan said, but when she spoke she didn't hear anything come from her mouth, and then she felt Rathmir rubbing her shoulder comfortingly and she sunk back into a dizzying set of dreams…
"Look," Raleigh whispered, touching my shoulder and I immediately sprung into waking. It was very bright, and I blinked until my eyes adjusted. Raleigh was crouched beside me and a large dark shape stood near us- the gelding. I looked to where he pointed. Outside, the world was white. The snow that had almost killed me the night before was so… beautiful. A smile came upon my face and I sat up, shivering as the blanket slipped down around my waist. A clump of snow fell with a soft wumpf to the ground, leaving tiny flakes sparkling and glistening through shafts of sunlight.
"Wow," I said and stood up, hopping around a bit to get my blood going again and then, feeling suddenly playful, I ran out and grabbed a handful of snow that stung my hands with its chill and hurled it into the cave at Raleigh.
It hit his chest with a wet whap and he indignantly wiped it off and then, seeing I was about to get another one he sighed with a smile upon his face and said, "We need to get back to camp Carry and tell them what I- and you, saw. Charlie needs some good grain too."
Charlie was the gelding. He snorted as if in agreement and I nodded, stepping back into the gave and kicking the snow from my boots, feeling a bit embarrassed at my uncharacteristic show of playfulness.
Both of us suddenly plunged into uncomfortableness we packed up camp and after I mounted up on Charlie Raleigh swung up behind me, wrapping his arms around me to take the reins of his horse.
We rode in silence, and the only sound was the creaking of the snow under Charlie's hooves. We were pretty far from the camp, and it was many hours before we saw the tents of our camp. I heaved and sigh and looked back at Raleigh with a grin.
"Nice to have a warm drink, right?" I asked as we passed the border guards, who let us through with a nod.
"Yeah," Raleigh said in a strained voice. The camp's ground was already churned into mud and we rode Charlie over to the rest of the horses before dismounting into the mush of snow and dirt mixed together.
Raleigh untacked him and I stood there, waiting for the Captain to be finished and he slung the gelding's bridle over a shoulder and held the saddle over his other arm. I followed him back to his tent where he deposited the tack.
"To the lunch tent?" I asked, my stomach growling in agreement.
"Yeah," he said, not meeting my eyes and then he turned to look right at me and his gaze was strangely intense.
"Raleigh?" I asked, not sure of what I was seeing there.
"Carry…" he whispered, and then he took my shoulders and pulled me close to him, leaning down to press his lips against mine, gently, not pressing or asking for anything, just soft and sweet.
"I've been wanting to do that for a while," he admitted when he pulled away, leaving me breathless and warmer than I had been before.
"Me too," I replied with a sort of silly grin up at him.
"Uh.. lunch?" he inquired with the raising of an eyebrow.
"Yeah," I answered and as he turned to walk in the direction of the lunch tent I grabbed his hand and squeezed it, my heart dancing as we made our way through the clatter of this part of the army's soldiers and the mud of the snow…
When Faolan woke up again it was in a green tiled room in soft, clean, cool sheets. A damp washcloth was on her head and a man robed in green was standing beside her bed, holding a mug of something from which thick steam was emerging. Although the air and sheets were cold around her she felt burning hot on the inside, and a trickle of sweat ran down her forehead. She closed her eyes again.
"Faolan," the Healer said in a soothing voice, "I want you to drink this."
And then two hands were helping her sit up and she cracked her eyes open again as the mug was pressed into her hands. Automatically, she raised it to her lips and choked down the foul flavored drink. It had some lemon flavoring in it, but not enough to cover what tasted like dirt and chalk and mushroom- which Faolan did not like.
After drinking it, she felt a little more awake, and opened her eyes all the way in time to see the Healer disappear in a swish of green robes, closing the door behind her. Feeling sick and miserable, the closed door made her feel like she was in a tiny cell. Couldn't they have put her in a room with windows? Feeling her sleeve, she realized someone had changed her into a nightshirt and she slid down back into a lying position and stared at the ceiling, wishing she wasn't so hot and the room wasn't so cold.
For what seemed like an eternity she swam in and out of consciousness. Sometimes soft oil lamps gave light to the room, and sometimes it was very dark. Sometimes she heard voices of people talking, inside her room, outside her room, or imaginary she wasn't sure. Raul was there, all the time, but sometimes Faolan couldn't quite reach her. She knew Rathmir and William were sometimes there, but she was never aware enough when they were to speak to them. She had strange dreams, involving her past lives and this life mixing, and sometimes she was Carry Rolf, walking around the Heraldic Collegium and taking classes- in a strange blending of lives. A few older ones came back to her with startling clarity, from what had to be thousands of years ago, back to times of magic and gryphons and wars of magic and horrible things… So gryphons ARE real, she thought bemusedly, thinking sadly she could never tell that to Alaska.
"I'm sorry Alaska!" she yelled at one point to an empty room, "I'm sorry Noland! I'm sorry Rathmir!"
At times like that Raul would come forth in Fao's mind and hold her tight, hold her and comfort her. And then… she felt the moon rising. I'm sick, I can't change, she thought, feeling it creeping closer and closer to the point where she would have to change. She guessed she had maybe an hour.
Sitting up to a room that was spinning around her she stared at the darkness around her. A faint light came through under her door from the hallway. I have to leave, she thought deliriously, and then said, :Raul:
:It's too cold outside, Faolan: Raul said and Faolan felt tears slipping down her cheeks, and she asked, :Do we tell them?:
:No one will enter your room tonight: Raul said a moment later.
:Okay: Fao answered and sunk back down to her sheets, rolling her eyes back up at the ceiling.
When the pain of the change overcame her, in waves of feverish pain, she couldn't stop herself from screaming. But no one came. No one came and Faolan just kept on writhing in pain as fur sprung from her skin and her teeth grew into fangs. And no one came. Through the walls, Faolan could feel the moonlight pressing up against her, heavy, making her breath come short, and when the change was over, she was still sick. And she whimpered to herself, huddling under blankets and wishing she wasn't sick. Her fur was confining and she sweated against it, making the sheets damp.
At one point, she hopped off the bed and stumbled around the room, howling plaintively and deliriously and biting at the bed and scarce furniture until Raul asked her to stop. So she climbed arduously back up onto her bed to lay there panting, her tongue hanging out and her fur damp. As dawn neared, someone knocked on the door and as it started to open Faolan managed to crawl under the sheet and shove her head under the pillow. Her wolf self was smaller than her human self, but she hoped whoever it was wouldn't notice. And they must not have, because after she heard them moving around a little bit they left, closing the door again. Once they were gone Faolan started whimpering around, because despite her better sense she wanted people to know, she wanted to be comforted and held.
After she had changed back, what must have been the next day, when Rathmir came Faolan managed to ask her to stay. And Rathmir did, all day. After her third change, the last change for the month, Faolan felt more aware, and less did she sleep.
"Stay with me Rathmir," she whispered to her room, "Stay with me Raul."
:I'm always here, Fao: Raul said and Faolan nodded, feeling tears once more leak from her eyes and she hugged her pillow tightly.
A few days later she was better enough to talk to her visitors in conversations, and she learned that she had been sick a week. They said she had caught a flu and it would go away on its own fairly soon. Raul said it was the stress that had made her sick and that she'd have to take it easy, and try to block out her past lives as much as she could.
I don't want to block out my past lives, she thought miserably.
The next day, she was allowed to go for a short walk around the Collegium, and it felt good to stretch her legs. Each day, they let her walk more, until one day they bundled her up and she went for a short stroll in the Companion's Field. Rathmir came in and gave her lessons in the House of Healing, but the Healers said she wasn't yet ready to leave.
And then one day, as she and Rathmir wound their way through the halls of the House of Healing, they passed an open door. And when Faolan looked in, she saw a very familiar face upon a man lying asleep in a bed. He was thinner and sicker than he had ever looked those years back, and his hair had a few unfamiliar strands of gray, but Faolan knew she'd recognize him anywhere. It was Raleigh Van den Acker.