Healer Valentine was the kind of man you expected to see in the gardens, a bird alit on his finger. He was middle aged, with dark brown hair about an inch long and speckled with gray. His eyes had the beginnings of wrinkles around them, and were very kindly. Faolan liked him immediately. She felt she could relate to his serene expression- one of compassion, and she realized that she wished she could someday don that expression as her own.
"So you are Herald Faolan," he said and Fao nodded slowly as she stepped into the room, still not used to people knowing who she was ahead of time. It was unsettling.
Rathmir pulled the door shut behind her, leaving Faolan alone with the Healer. Valentine motioned to another chair and so Faolan sat down carefully, glancing out the window with warm sunlight streaming through it. She wondered what Raleigh was doing this morning, and wanted to see him.
"I have seen many Heralds these past years," Valentine said with a slight chuckle- a sad chuckle, "You seem most prone to mental stress… I suppose it comes from what makes you Heralds."
Faolan shrugged, not sure how to respond to that.
Valentine stood up for a moment and pulled his chair closer to Faolan's, then reached out and took both her hands, holding hers in his. A kindly smile lit his face and he looked at her for a few moments.
"Now, tell me what happened to you," Valentine said a moment later.
"In.. the war?" Faolan asked, though she knew what he meant. Valentine said nothing, just waited.
Faolan sighed, and leaned back in her chair, still holding the Healer's hands, and started, "Well for the first few years I wasn't on the front- I found a group of werewolves that were the non-fighters, the older, the younger, and those that had true control… They trained me there, taught me how to be a werewolf and then… a few months ago they sent me to the front- to fight for them, to gain true control… They trusted me like one of them and… they aren't fighting because they're evil… they're fighting for their lives. For their livelihood… This war is so screwed up… I miss Skylar and my pack so much… they practically raised me. It's my second home and I know it's so wrong to both fight the enemy and love them but I can't help it. It's wrong this war, it's totally wrong… It's got to end, somehow… and now Herald Morgan is a werewolf too- and I don't know how to get him true control except to send him back to the front to keep fighting- but that's what started all this in the first place!"
Faolan hands clenched around Healer Valentine's as she stared past his head at the wall behind him, not seeing it, feeling anger and frustration pulse through her. She clenched her teeth for a moment, then continued, when it was apparent Valentine was just going to let her talk. She could feel him starting to touch her with his Empathy, like a cool washcloth on a sweaty, dirty, fevered face. She forced herself not to keep him out, and to distract herself she kept talking.
"It was really hard- spying among the werewolves, giving information and Scouting yet trying not to help the werewolves too much and I guess… Well I guess it ended up being too hard because somehow Dashiell overheard me talking to Raul- which under normal circumstances really shouldn't have happened. So they knew I had mindspeech. And that was okay- I managed to fudge a story about it and Dashiell did a small mind probe- nothing big, nothing serious, but enough to make sure I wasn't lying but my training is so much better than his so he didn't find out anything that would hurt me…. But then… then I must have slipped up. I did slip up, somehow. I wasn't good enough and the Commander suspected me- against his will, from my impression, but he's a good Commander… so he interrogated me. And I suppose he just doesn't really know what how the mind really works because he ordered Dashiell to interrogate me mentally, using mind speech. It was horrible"- Faolan paused, her voice cracking, her eyes dropping to her lap and she whispered, "Worse than anything I've experienced. And I suppose that's what's brought me here… I can't… I can't let anyone except Raul touch my mind- mind speak to me. It's too… I guess it's too close to the way Dashiell ripped through my memories, trying to figure out if I was a spy or not…"
Valentine was silent and as Faolan stared at her lap she felt the tears well up, the tears of frustration and anger and stress and depression and the more the silence filled the room, the more the pain filled her heart until Faolan was sobbing, quietly, gently, the tears pouring from her eyes as the pain poured from her soul.
"It just isn't fair!" she sobbed, "It's too unfair! It's not right! There has to be another way!"
Healer Valentine's warm hands encompassed her, soft and dry, and then gave a gently squeeze. Gradually Faolan looked up at him, and his kindly eyes, and realized she felt better. She let out a last hiccupping sob, then, to her surprise, she yawned. Her soul felt wiped clean in a way it hadn't in a long time. She leaned backwards, reaching one hand to touch her chest and sighed, dropping her head against the back of the chair.
"Come and see me again some time," Valentine said softly and Faolan nodded as she straightened up.
"I will," Faolan said, because she know that though she felt better, Healing was a process of time- and that's what Faolan needed most just then. Healing.
OOO
"Morgan," Faolan said, reaching out an hand to steady the man's shaking arm. They were in his rooms, that evening, as night drew forward and the moon drew closer once more. Morgan was sitting in a chair, his hands braced on his knees and his head drooping. His arms were shaking and his fingers clenched his legs convulsively. He was on the brink of Change- as was Faolan, but it wasn't affecting her the same way.
"Morgan," Faolan began again, "Listen to me. Just relax. I know it sounds silly, but take a deep breath and let the Change flow through you. Try and ignore the pain, don't fight it, accept it for now. Deep breaths. Remember- there is no wolf inside of you. There is only you inside of you."
He looked up at her, still shaking, his eyes scared and pleading, his face damp with sweat and his hair messy. She could feel the turmoil inside him, fighting and wrestling with two conflicting forces. She could feel hair sprouting over her body, inside her shirt, bristly against the cloth, on her neck, and face, and legs. It made her want to growl deliciously and roll on the ground in delight. Curl up in the moonlight. She was in a good mood tonight, and her wolf form would want to reflect that.
"Ahhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrg!" a pain filled scream that turned into a growl wrenched from Morgan Derry's throat as thick black hair sprung from his body.
"Let go!" Faolan said, but the words came out garbled as her mouth changed shape, away from the delicate structures capable of producing human speech. She felt fangs growing and growled deep in her throat.
And then, a moment later, two large wolves stood facing each other, fur bristling and fangs bared. Morgan Derry's yellow green eyes glowed in the moon light coming in through the window, making the white of room whiter and the shadows even deeper. Faolan eyed him warily, not sure how much of the sane Morgan Derry was inside the creature he had become, and feeling pained at the fact that she even had to consider that.
Impulsively, staring into his snarling face, Faolan reached out with the Empathy that still curled within her, a warm orb of magic inside her. What she felt inside Morgan made her recoil quickly. It was chaos- pure, unrestrained chaos inside his soul. Had she been like that, before? He was a chaos of all emotions, made powerful and warped together.
Faolan's tail sagged and she whined at Morgan sadly, feeling lost and helpless- how could she possibly help him? She could bring up his control once he and his wolf self were united, once that chaos was gone… but how could she show him what she had to figure out with only Raul's help?
The black werewolf snarled at Faolan and then leapt towards the window, scraping claws against the claws and making an ear rending noise. His rage at his inability to escape radiated off him in waves, both physical and mental and Faolan was, for a moment, frightened- for Morgan Derry was a large werewolf, large and powerful and utterly without control.
With a sigh, half snarl and half breath, she crept over to the other side of the room and faced Morgan Derry, then growled at him, letting her own frustration and anger seep out into that single growl, and it rumbled from deep within her. The black werewolf paused, his bright yellow eyes gleaming at her, his huge extended claws still digging at the window. She could hear him breathing, huge breaths that made his sides rise visibly. She could see him thinking behind those yellow eyes, see his human-wolf brain thinking. She growled again, her tail stiff and high, daring him to direct his anger onto her.
Morgan dropped down onto the ground, his huge paws making two thuds as they hit the floor, his claws clicking on the stone. He turned to face her, then stared at her, his ears pricked forward, suggesting a curiosity. Faolan, perfectly aware that she was only just barely half his size, snarled at him, then howled, not caring who heard and who shivered because of it in their sleep- it was time they got used to the howls of werewolves in Haven.
She howled long and good, and, just as she had hoped, Morgan joined in, near the end, adding his deep, low howl that also vibrated through the air to her higher pitched howl. It made her shiver, with delight- to be howling with another werewolf again. Here was a werewolf who hadn't forsaken her from the packs- he could be her pack, though it wouldn't be the same as those she had lost.
When she finished, she look at Morgan, and their eyes met. She had his attention. Excellent. With a wolfish grin she snarled at him again, crouching down, inviting a playful fight, instead of daring him to a bloody one. He stared down at her, his head tilted slightly to the side, and Faolan knew it was the werewolf in him considering her, not Morgan Derry. The true Morgan was hiding in the depths of his mind- protesting every movement, every action, that proclaimed him wolf.
Finally he growled back- but it wasn't playful, and so Faolan quickly stood up, and growled back at him. He made the first move, stepping forward to swipe at her with one paw, then quickly backing up. Apparently he was smart enough to know size wasn't everything in a fight. Faolan responded by leaping at him, and they met in mid air, their jaws clacking together as teeth snapped on empty air. Their front legs were locked together as they each braced on the other's chest, pushing away and trying to get closer at the same time. They broke apart, circled, and met again, fur flying as teeth ripped through hide and hair. Their growls and snarls rent the air.
Suddenly their was a soft splash, almost inaudible in the growls, and they both paused to look as a dark black drop of blood splattered onto the floor, dripping from a cut on Faolan's shoulder. Another moment passed, and Faolan did not feel the pain. Then Morgan growled, and the fight began again, but with an added ferocity. After what felt like ages, and they were both covered in wet and drying blood that was black in the gray vision of the werewolf, Faolan sensed a weakness in Morgan- a sudden hesitation, and she leapt at him- this time sending him tumbling backwards such that she stood over him, one paw pressing into his chest, the other on the ground. Faolan snarled, and reached down to sink her teeth into the folds of skin on his neck and then pressed in, just enough to draw a little bit of blood. Morgan whined then and the tension left his body- he surrendered. Content with this, Faolan backed off from him, licking the taste of blood from her mouth, and waited for him to stand, glad that she had gained superiority over him.
After a few seconds of lying on the ground, Morgan rolled over at stood up, then immediately sat down and started licking his wounds. Faolan paused, then went over and stood beside him, licking his wounds with him, until they were both licking each other's wounds. A few hours later found the two of them laying side by side, watching the moonlight, Faolan content and Morgan content to be content if she was content.
They changed back a few hours before dawn and Morgan quickly went to where his clothes were, avoiding looking at Faolan as he pulled Whites on over his bruised and beaten body. Faolan paused, feeling awkward as she stood- in her past lives she would have been embarrassed, but a long childhood of change among many others had somehow managed to get rid of centuries worth of embarrassment at nakedness- until now. He was so careful not to look at her, to get back into his clothes- to be human again, and it made Faolan painfully aware of her old habits, engrained in by culture, made her aware of her lack of clothing, aware that she was a young woman again with a body that a man would want to look at… And so Faolan too, quickly pulled on her clothing and averted her eyes from Morgan Derry, feeling uncomfortable and not sure how to remedy the situation. It couldn't continue- not if they were going to Change with each other many times in the months to come.
Faolan turned around, fully clothed- well pants and tunic anyway, and found Morgan looking at her guiltily. She decided to ignore that look for the moment and went over to the door to undo the lock at the top- the one that no werewolf could ever open- as she had tried as a young werewolf and Morgan Derry had surely tried before.
"Lets go down to the Field for a bit," Faolan said to Morgan as she pulled open the door, "I think we should talk."
Morgan nodded, casting his eyes away from her, and followed as she led the way down to the Companion's Field and to one of the secluded grottos near the river, the ones with benches, and she sat down, listening to the water leap rush by the shore. It was a soothing sound.
"I'm sorry," Morgan said almost immediately as they both carefully made themselves comfortable, trying not to pull at the some deep gashes- most were superficial and all were in the process of healing. Faolan thought she wouldn't even bother going to the House of Healing for them- just put some salve on them and they be fine.
"I can't believe…" he started to add on, but Faolan looked over at him sharply, and he fell silent.
"You can believe and you aren't sorry," she said forcefully, "It was perfectly in your control and it was you that did it. I knew perfectly well what I was doing- even if you were a little lost. You remember hurting me, I remember hurting you, and therefore you cannot pretend it wasn't you that did it. That anger you felt- that I felt radiating off you- it was real. You do have things to be angry about- hell everyone has things to be angry about! Being a werewolf just pulls out those emotions- werewolves are highly volatile creatures, but we've learned to let our powerful emotions flow through us- be one with us. We say 'Yes I feel this way, I feel this strongly, and yes there is nothing wrong with it.' Be it sorrow, anger, love, joy… We let ourselves experience emotions. Humans have a tendency to ask emotions to be forced away in some situations, and that makes the Change harder, makes the adjustment harder, but it's something you need to learn to live with."
Morgan Derry look slightly shocked at this rant- whether or not it was the ranting or what she said that shocked him, Faolan wasn't sure. She grinned at him, a grin that invited the thought of a wolf, and continued speaking.
"Last night was a step forward. You started thinking more like a werewolf- stopped concentrating on being angry and just let yourself be angry. So we fought, and when it was over we both felt better. I'll take a guess and say you've probably never been so content in werewolf form before, right?"
Morgan nodded slowly, seemed on the verge of saying something, then decided that he really had nothing to say, and stayed silent. Faolan smiled at him, then turned her gaze to the river and watched it flow by, feeling the relaxation of a full moon change wash over her. Being a werewolf like that was a release, and all the stress she'd been feeling over the past few days was gone. Faolan wondered if Morgan was aware of that release- he probably was now, that she had explained a little more about the emotions of a werewolf.
"I think I'm almost looking forward to tonight," Morgan said softly, a while later. Faolan glanced over at him, and saw a smile on his face- though she knew he was still apprehensive about the Change, and would rather not be a werewolf, she could feel it in him, but his attitude was already Changing. She smiled back at him, showing him pointy teeth.
A/N: Sorry it took me a while to get this up- I've been surprisingly busy these last couple of days. Saw four Bald Eagles and six Ospreys yesterday at Blackwater National Wildlife Refuge! And some foxes, and Delmarva Fox Squirrels, and a Nutria and a billion Great Blue Herons, and some Egrets... It was fun. Thanks muchly muchly to...
StormyPhoenix- Yeah, that is true. Except people don't all see what she did as Heroic.
ginalee- As you see, the mind healer is just a mind healer, and Fao needs healing. I like Healer Valentine. He's a fun character.
GinaStar- Something of the sort... :)
LightningStorms- I'm trying! Been trying to steal some writing time in for the last four days. :( Maybe I will find time today, and finish writing chapter sixty-seven. Did you know in my original layout 67 was the last chapter? Well, stuff has taken up more space and now I think 74 is the last one... or maybe 72...
The-Elven-Bookworm- Yeah, I was thinking of having there be a Mage/Wizard School where Raul would be a familiar of some sort...
SwiftShadow- Thank you! Always great to have new readers enjoying this as well as the old!
Jennykin- And another new reader! Woot! Thank you. Yeah I'm just out of High School. Going to Bard College!