Disclaimer: I own none of the cartoons within. I blame global warming. Or Antonella Barba.

As promised, Teen Titans versus X-Men Evolution: Part One!

"Hey, y'all!" The host cried out as he swaggered onstage. "Flavor Flllllaaaaaaavvv in da house!" Flavor Flav showed off his prodigious bling, including a golden clock around his neck, and a gold-plated Viking helmet.

"OH MAN," avatarjk137 the cameraman yelled as Flavor Flav did his 'thing', "This is horrible. Get him off."

"Yeaahh, Booyyy!" Flavor Flav announced. Suddenly, the floor underneath him opened up, sucking him into the Underground Classroom.

"Attention, audience!" A booming announcer voice shouted. "Flavor Flav has been recalled as a host for being too one-note… and for… BEING A TERRORIST! Because we can't have terrorists running around onstage, we've decided to replace him with a good old-fashioned All-American host. Presenting… STEPHEN COLBERT!"

As patriotic music played, a platform rose from the hole in the stage that had sucked in Flavor Flav, and Stephen Colbert stood on the platform, his arms crossed. "I'm going to feed you the truth… until you vomit or pass out! This… is I Wouldn't Eat That If I Were You! Now, announcer voice, introduce our contestants! I don't know them, because I was called in at the last second!"

"Be glad to! In the Blue Corner, the young heroes of Marvel Comics, protecting a world that hates and fears them, they have their own comic, TV show, and movie trilogy, the X-Men!" The newly painted Blue Corner lit up, revealing Scott 'Cyclops' Summers, Jean Grey, Kitty 'Shadowcat' Pryde, Kurt 'Nightcrawler' Wagner, and Rogue. "In the Magenta Corner,"

"Magenta?" Scott asked with what was probably a raised eyebrow behind his visor.

"SHUT UP! In the Magenta Corner, the young heroes of DC comics, they live in a giant tower shaped like a 'T', they also have their own comic series and TV show, the Teen Titans!" The Magenta Corner lit up, revealing Robin, Cyborg, Starfire, Beast Boy, and Raven.

"We live in a giant tower shaped like a 'T'? That's all they could say about us?" Cyborg complained.

"Well, it does sort of stand out," Raven pointed out.

"Listen up, superheroes!" Stephen yelled. "I'm only going to explain the rules once, and some of them I won't explain at all! Every one of you has to come up and spin this giant Wheel of Foodstuffs! Whatever you spin, you must eat! If you vomit before finishing, pass out, or avoid your food like a politician avoids blame, you are sent to our Underground Classrooms, just like Mr. Flav! After every superhero has gone, whichever team has lost more members is eliminated entirely, and the other team gets to choose whether they'll take $1,000 dollars and a giant bottle of Pepto Bismol, or tackle the final round and go for a grand prize of: $20,000 and a Nintendo Wii with 4 controllers and every game that has or will be released for the Wii in its first year! Holy crap, I wish I was competing!"

"So who goes first?" Robin asked.

"You may, Boy Wonder!"

"What? Oh, um, no, I'd rather take second turn actually, so I can observe the situation and then come at it with my best-"

"And off you go!" Colbert grabbed Robin by the cape and tossed him towards the wheel.

"Fine then." Robin spun the wheel. He stared at it intensely. It landed on 'year old potato chips'.

"Uh… okay. I can do this." Robin looked confused at first but then regained his Leader Confidence.

"Here you go, Confident Leader Boy- may I call you Confident Leader Boy?" Stephen handed him the chips. "Anyway, here are your moldy, chewy snacks, Confident Leader Boy. Oh, I do like that…."

Robin looked over the chips. He thought of how best to eat them.

"Yes! I cheer for you, Robin!" Starfire called out from the stands with a cheerful smile on her face. "I am very confident that you can win this round and devour your foodstuffs!"

Robin gave her a wave and opened the chips. "Ew, they're moldy!" He decided the best way to approach was it to get it down fast. He poured the bag in his mouth and chewed it quickly. "EW! Chewy and fungus-riddled…"

"Good for you! You with the name of 'Cyclops', you are up next!" Stephen Colbert signaled to Cyclops.

Cyclops walked up. "Okay, this can't be too difficult now… all I have to do is spin it, and…" Scott awaited his spin with anticipation. It landed on Instant Oust. "What's that?"

"It's simple!" Stephen insisted. "Just add water!" He pressed a small black button on the remote. A bucket of water dropped from the ceiling onto Cyclops. Not only did it soak him, but the bucket hit his head. "Ow! Is that it? Are we done?"

"Sure we aren't!" Stephen pressed the bright blue button on the colorful-button covered remote and the floor opened up from under Scott, sending him plummeting down into the Underground Classrooms. Colbert looked at the camera. "Wow, that was an instant oust from the show! Who's next?"

"I thought you were picking," Kitty mentioned.

"I guess you thought wrong,"

"I'll go next!" Cyborg stepped proudly onto the stage. "Oh yeah! This'll be easy!" Cyborg spun the wheel, which went for a while from Cyborg's strength. It eventually landed on Tutti Frutti. "Okay! Fine! Wait… what's Tutti Frutti?"

"I honestly haven't a clue," Stephen Colbert answered. He turned around. "Oh, wait, here you go!"

"Oh, nasty! It's just a bowl of rotten fruits! I've had tons of Tutti Frutti jelly beans, and I don't think they taste like rotten fruit!" Cyborg commented loudly.

"And you go around sampling rotten fruits, for a living, then?" The host asked.

"Well, no, but-"

"Exactly. EAT IT, Liberal!"

"But where does the 'Tutti' come in?" Cyborg was confused.

"It's two-dimensional. Like 2-D."

"Whoa, it is!" Cyborg lifted up a rancid and completely flat apple. "Well, here goes nothing!" The brave Cyborg dumped the whole bowl into his mouth. "Hey, there were flies in there, too!" Cyborg paused, evaluating the taste. "Smelly, yet satisfying."

"Next up, we have the Valley Girl mutant, Kathyrine 'Kitty' Pryde!"

"Like, I understand why Cyke is after the other team leader guy, but why am I after, like, Cyborg?"

"Simple," Colbert replied. "It's leader-on-leader, discolored-joker-on-discolored-joker, main-popular-girl-on-main-popular-girl, and misunderstood-dark-girl-on-misunderstood-dark-girl. That only leaves miscellaneous-vs.-miscellaneous."

"Shouldn't the others also all be, like, 'vs.' instead of 'on'?"

"Get up there or I'll tell everybody how you're actually Jewish!"

"You just did." She walked up to the stage and spun the wheel. It landed on 'Armageddon', but then jumped forward two spots to 'Dark Humors'.

So close, Avatarjk137 the cameraman thought longingly.

"Dark Humors?" Rogue asked with a raised eyebrow. "Isn't that, like, what demons are supposed to have running through their veins? Or just some general foul, evil-looking liquid or vapor?"

"Normally, yes," Colbert answered. "But our Dark Humors here on the set of I Wouldn't Eat That If I Were You are delivered by our very own personal Dark Humor Man."

Kitty gulped. "Dark Humor Man?" Demented ice-cream-truck music filled the air, and a black ice cream truck drove onstage. 'Dark Humor' was on the side in blood-red lettering, and the truck was on fire. The ice cream man actually appeared to be the Death By Chocolate demon wearing a white shirt, smiley-face mask, and a nametag that read, "HI! My Name is: NORMAL HUMAN." He handed her an ice cream cone, which looked good except it emitted purple smoke. The Dark Humor Man then laughed evilly, and drove off as suddenly as he had come. "Do I, like, have to eat it?"

"Of course not," Stephen assured her. "You can always go to the Underground Classrooms." He raised his remote menacingly, and waggled it at her.

"I think I'll eat it." She looked at the ice cream cone nervously, then just phased it into her stomach and left it there.

"Next, we have a beautiful… orange young lady, Starfire!"

"Hooray! Now I can be 'getting this over with'!" She floated up to the wheel.

"You sure are cheery for someone who wants to get this over with," Colbert observed. "You would make a good intern for my show. Anyway, spin the wheel!" If she survives, he pondered, maybe I should offer the internship.

"RAHH!" She spun the wheel, launching it at extreme speed. After a moment or so, 'Antifreeze' and 'I Love U' both pushed out of the wheel by about an inch, trapping the spinner between them on 'The Rack'. "Please, what is 'The Rack'?"

A large, medieval torture device dropped from the ceiling, hitting the floor with a loud bang. It featured arm and leg restraints, and the arm restraints could be moved farther from the leg restraints to literally stretch people to near-death. Stephen motioned for her to get on. "This is The Rack."

"Do I eat it or suffer through it?"

Stephen looked at her like she was stupid. "Both. Now get on, communist!" She lay down, and the restraints snapped around her wrists and ankles. "I'm glad we got the electronic model," he said happily, and pressed a button on his remote. The Rack began to pull at her, and she began to sweat as it got painful. Finally, Starfire's eyes glowed green, she yelled savagely, and she burst free, destroying the restraints. Stephen clapped. "Excellent! Now you just have to eat it. To help you…" He fished a small shaker out of his jacket pocket. "…Here's some ground pepper." Starfire shrugged and immediately began taking bites out of The broken Rack. He watched for a few moments, and then pressed another button, producing the same effect as blowing an airhorn. "You've eaten 5 pounds of oak and metal, and the rules say 'good enough'. You win your challenge, and America congratulates you!"

"We're going into a commercial break," Avatarjk137 the cameraman said.

"We'll be right back after the author writes us back us in!" Stephen Colbert declared to the camera.

Yeah, part two will be released on the date of Not Too Long From Now But Still Long Enough For Me To Write It.

This chapter was brought to you by the Nintendo Wii. Wiiiiiiii the people.