Disclaimer: I do not own the cartoons used within. Spray on, freshness lovers, spray on!
"And we're back to America's hottest new show!" Stephen Colbert said proudly. "I for one, am proud of America for making it the best in ratings! And the best part: 'I Wouldn't Eat That if I Were You!' is Sanjaya Malakar free!"
Avatarjk137 ran up and whispered something to Stephen, then darted nervously back to the camera.
"Oh… I'm sorry, America… I am getting word that Sanjaya Malakar does not sing on this show but IS in fact an available item on the Wheel of Foodstuffs!"
"Like, ew," Kitty said.
"Ms. Jean Grey? I believe you're up next?" Colbert signaled for the pretty, young mutant eighteen year-old to come up.
"Ahhh! A model American girl here! Overdone body and dye-filled hair!" Stephen took comfort in this.
"My hair is not dyed!" Jean said, grabbing a lock of her thick, too-red-for-words hair.
"Of course it isn't! Spin the wheel!"
She spun the wheel, looking determined.
"Ohhh dear! It appears we jinxed you by talking about it before! You landed on 'Sanjaya Malakar'! So sorry!"
Jean suddenly looked very worried. "Uh… no it didn't!" Jean used a pulse from her telekinetic powers and the wheel clicked forward another spot, landing on 'highway runoff water'.
"Oh, that's even better! Because of that, I won't even send you straight to the Underground Classroom like I would've otherwise for cheating with your powers obviously like that!" Stephen went on to explain the chosen item. "The item you personally chose is the water that runs on a highway, down the road, through cracks, and through where the pigeons live, so now this once clean water is full of oil, maybe cement pieces, dirt, the stuff that would come off of tires, and pigeon crap!" Stephen plunked a glass of gray 'water' with some chunks of Hunter Thompson-knows-what floating in it.
Jean stared at the water for a minute. "Uh… I'm actually smart, okay? I know what the hell kind of microbes might be in that… I refuse to drink it!" She crossed her arms.
"Then you prefer the Underground Classrooms to just a few gravely harmful microbes?" Stephen made a baby face at her.
Jean raised her hand to her chin in thought. "Ugh, fine!" She grabbed the glass and downed the hideous beverage.
"Good job! Good show!" Stephen Colbert clapped for Jean.
"And good thing you signed that waiver saying that you will never sue us, will never think about suing us, and will never even have an uncontrollable subconscious dream for one second of ever suing us!" Avatarjk137 said happily, waving the signed piece of paper around (in Monotype Cosiva font with bright blue highlighting).
"Next we have the 'discolored joker' round! Would one Beast Boy come up to the stage please?" Beast Boy came up. "I don't see race. Now I'm told you're a green person…"
"Uh, that's not actually my ethnicity making me green, but yeah, I am… why?"
"Because we now have had enough different colored contestants to avoid being ever sued for discrimination! Anyway, spin the wheel!" Stephen gestured. Beast Boy turned into a gorilla and spun the wheel, and after a few minutes, it landed on "Stephen Colbert's Ameri-Cone Dream". "Wow, you are lucky! You landed on my Ben & Jerry's flavor! It tastes like freedom!" Suddenly, the caption burned away to reveal 'blue fire'.
"Ah, man! I wanted to roll 'fudge'!" Beast Boy complained.
The host turned and stared at Beast Boy, shaking his head in disbelief. "You wanted fudge? That's not even on the wheel… oh, I get it. You're not funny by just saying random foods. That's so fascist."
"'Fascist'?" Raven questioned unenthusiastically.
But Stephen ignored Raven and continued to look at Beast Boy. "I mean, I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed… do you think saying that at random intervals makes you funny? Saying random food items like cheese or fudge or pie does NOT make you funny..."
"All right, I get it!" Beast Boy was getting frustrated. "Just start the fire!"
"Here you go!" From behind his back, Colbert yanked out an oversized flamethrower and shot it directly at Beast Boy's face.
Beast Boy answered by rolling around on the ground, screaming and yelling as his face became engulfed in blue flames. In desperate hope of putting out the fire, Beat Boy turned into many different animals. He started out with a platypus, then moved onto a Bengal tiger, then into a garter snake, then a giant clam, then a lemur, then a cassowary, then an octopus, then (in a sudden change of pace) into his normal (albeit still green) human form, and lastly into a tarantula. But the host had already saved him by spraying him generously with a fire extinguisher.
"Stop burning! I'm sure you've swallowed enough flames by now! And you almost lit the stage on fire!"
"Good thing the stage and your suit are fireproof!" Avatarjk137 the cameraman commented.
"Who's next?" Stephen Colbert tossed the limp, white powder-covered Beast Boy to the general direction of the Teen Titans.
"I am!" Nightcrawler teleported over to the center of the stage.
"Yes! Now, I am told not only that you're a blue, fuzzy person but that I have to waste time on this show asking you stupid questions to make sure we fit well into our time slot! So tell me, what are you hoping to roll on this wheel?" The host gestured to the Wheel of Foodstuffs.
Kurt waved his spike-tipped bleu tail. "Vell, I vas hoping that-"
"Wait, what?"
"I said, I vas-"
"Vas? I believe the word you are looking for in our language is 'was'."
"Yes, yes, I know that. I have a German accent! I am from Germany!" It was true; Kurt's voice was laden with his German accent thicker than pancake batter.
"I see right through that flimsy façade, mister!" Colbert crossed his arms, but then immediately lightened up and let out a chuckle. "But, if that's what makes you happy, you go ahead and pretend you're German!"
"Vhat? But… but I am…!"
"ACK! Too much time on that question!" Avatarjk137 the cameraman looked at his digital watch impatiently and jumped up and down. "Spin the wheel!"
Kurt spun the wheel. It landed on 'emerald'. "That's not vhat I think it is, is it?"
"Why? What did you think it is?" The host knitted his eyebrows in confusion. A hole in the ceiling opened up and a giant emerald plopped down onto the hardy Table of Eatery.
"I have to eat that?!" Kurt whined.
"It's sure to pass through in a matter of days! Then we'll need it back, it nearly exceeds our food budget all on its own."
"Ohhh…" Kurt winced and swallowed the gem whole. "Unh… I vas lucky that made it down the first time!"
"Indeed you are. Next!" Stephen ordered.
"Yes?" Raven didn't teleport, but she used her dark powers to transport herself soundlessly next to the host. Her face was hooded by her blue cloak.
"Ah. You look like a fine, mentally unwell young teenager!"
"I'm just going to spin the wheel now," Raven reached out and spun the wheel. After a few spins, it landed on the infamous Smoothie of No Return. "That sounds promising," Raven commented sarcastically.
Colbert pressed a bright blue button on his remote, and a platform with a beautiful, gold chest came up, covered in sparkly, colorful jewels.
"And now… choose some smoothie ingredients!" The host opened the chest and smiled at the disgusting, vomit-inducing objects that were mostly composed of rotten trash.
"Oh joy…" Raven narrowed her eyes. Refusing to physically touch the putrid lot, she used her black energy to pick up a sample of tree fungus, squid ink, and dog hair.
"Good for you!" The eager host turned on the blender and the deathly smoothie was ground up in not time.
Raven glanced at the smoothie. She opened up a hole in the air, which appeared to be simply a spiral of her dark energy power that led to another random place; a transporter of sorts, and was much like a black hole.
Raven tossed the glass into the self-created 'black hole'. "There, I 'ate' it, in my own way. Happy now?"
"Sure, whatever!" The host smiled. "I guess I should ask you another stupid question to waste time… hmm. SO, how do you think you did?"
"I think I did fine. I'm leaving now." Raven hovered back over to her team.
"Okay then! Next scary Goth girl!"
Rogue, the last X-Man, came over with her arms crossed. "Alright! Let's get this over with!" Her scowl was laced with dark lipstick and just as much dark eyeliner, and her dark brown hair had a white stripe through it. Before waiting for a signal, she spun the wheel with her black glove.
"You landed on… One Night In Paris, a Paris Hilton sex video tape!"
"Ugh! Ah don't have to watch it, do I?" She had a Southern accent and sounded very disgusted.
"Oh, another person who likes to make believe? Fine then, 'Southern Belle', I will answer your question!"
"Ah'm not pretending that-"
"You don't have to watch it; you have to eat it!"
Rogue screwed up her face. "Whatever! Ah'll do it! Ah just wanna get this freakin' contest over with!" She picked up 'One Night in Paris' and pulled it in half to make it easier to eat. She rolled her eyes and began eating the cassette tape.
"Good job! Before I ask the winning team what they want for a prize, I have to waste just a little more time… so tell me, is that white streak in your hair natural?"
"Yeah, it is," Rogue marched off.
The host paused dramatically. "It has come to my attention… that the X-Men are short a member! Not only that, but short a leader! Though you've spared yourself a dictatorship, you're well on your way to anarchy!"
Jean put her hands into fists. "Would you STOP with the political references already?!"
"No! Because you lose!" Stephen pressed another button, and all of the X-Men went spiraling downward into the Underground Classroom. "Teen Titans! Choose your prize!"
Robin furrowed his brow in thought. "I think we all might actually be okay… but I can't put my team in danger! I'm going to play it safe and pick the Pepto Bismol prize!"
"Good but boring choice!" The host said. "The prize will be transported along with you to your giant tower that is shaped like a 'T'! Okay, I'm ending the show!"
"Wait!" The poor, frazzled avatarjk137 the cameraman protested. "Don't! You still have ten more minutes!"
But Stephen Colbert ignored him and walked over to Starfire. "So, how do you feel about an internship?"
Up next: Ed, Edd, and Eddy versus the Powerpuff Girls, with your special guest host: Paris Hilton! I'll try to keep the 'T' rating...