Disclaimer: I own none of the cartoons used within. Pfft, I say! Pfft!
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Here's the first part of Invader Zim versus South Park!
"Welcome to 'I Wouldn't Eat That If I Were You'!" The booming announcer voice announced (how appropriate). "Our biggest hit since 'Who Wants to Stay Sane'! And now, our guest host for tonight's episode: David Spade! The snidest of snide!"
"Hello, everybody, I have no memory of agreeing to do this!" David said, clad in one of his stylish-yet-casual-perfectly-good-for-an-asshole suit. "Oh well, now what do I have to do?" He looked at a script.
"Say what the rules are and introduce the teams!" Avatarjk137 the Cameraman ordered, still bandaged up from when his camera betrayed him last episode.
"Oh, okay… This team-" He pointed to the blue corner. "Is four completely weird 'children' but I think one is an alien and another's a robot. They're the 'Invader Zim' team."
"YES!" Dib shouted from Zim's side. "At last, finally someone sees! You realize the truth! Of what Zim really is!'
"Keep it in your shorts, kid… on the other side is four grossly misshapen kids with potty mouths… they're 'Team South Park'. And they're in the magenta corner."
"'Grossly misshapen'?" Kyle, the one of the boys clad in an orange jacket and green, oddly square-shaped hat, pointed at the host. "Why don't you take a look at your head, asswipe!"
"Aw, aren't you sweet. Why don't I give you a reward for that and you can be the first to spin the wheel," David responded.
"HAHA, you're going first, Kyle!" Cartman, the chubbiest of the group, laughed at Kyle, acting quite appropriately like the fourth grader he and his friends were.
"Uh, me? First?" Kyle looked around in a nervous fashion. "You know, Kenny is getting impatient. Why doesn't Kenny go first?"
Kenny murmured something inaudible that sounds a lot like "What? Me?" from under his oversized orange jacket, pointing to himself in confusion.
"Yeah Kenny, you can have the first turn!" Stan made it sound like a reward.
Kenny shrugged, making another noise that resembled "Okay!" and went over to the Wheel of Foodstuffs. He spun it, in time getting his food: Force Feedback. He made a questioning noise to the host.
"Force Feedback is, uh, I don't know, but it's powered by this button!" David Spade pressed a huge black button with "Force Feedback" in small, neon green print on it. A cannon was suddenly produced from under the unfolding wheel, blasting Kenny (killing him instantly) and getting a laugh out of the host. "He didn't eat the cannonball."
"Oh my God! You killed Kenny!" Stan shouted.
"You bastards!" Kyle joined in.
"WHAT?!" Now Zim was determined to get in on the action. "WHERE did that cannon come from? What sort of hideous yet effectiiive Earth technology are you keeping right under… his seat?!" He pointed to Dib.
"OH come on!" Dib pointed to Zim. "He doesn't even understand how this wildly popular game show works! Clearly, he's an alien!"
"Clearly, no one gives a crap!" The host interrupted him.
"Huh. I could've told you that." Gaz commented, still not looking up from her game.
"It's your turn," The host pointed to Zim.
Dib smiled with an evil glint in his eyes. "Yes, ZIM. Why don't you go up there in front of the live TV cameras and the huge studio audience, not to mention ALL the people watching at home, and show us how… cultured you are…"
Gir, the adorable little robot, squealed (we are unable to tell if it's in joy or fear). "YEEEE, MASTER! BRING HOME THE BACON! EEEEEbacon… mmmmmmbacon… bacon bacon bacon… baconYYY bacon… bacon… bacon… baconbaconbacon…" (And so on and so forth.)
Zim ignored Dib and marched over to the wheel. After carefully inspecting it, he spun it. And when he did, the spinner came back around and caught his black human hair-like wig and spun it around, exposing the antennas atop Zim's green head.
Dib jumped up on the platform near Zim and pointed, almost poking a very surprised Zim in the head. "HA! SEE? IS THIS WHAT A NORMAL HUMAN HEAD LOOKS LIKE?"
David Spade shook his head slowly and with purpose. "Dude, you're making fun of someone for having premature baldness? What's wrong with you?"
Stan, over on the magenta corner with the other two remaining members of his team, joined in on embarrassing Dib for embarrassing Zim. "Yeah, you're fucked up, dude. At least his head isn't freakin' HUGE!"
Kyle laughed. "Yeah, maybe he's only doing it so we won't notice!"
"NO! You don't get it!" Dib protested.
"We get it perfectly, kid. You need to see a counselor. It's not your turn. Go away." The host nodded towards Dib's team and Dib trudged off, disappointed but still determined.
Zim landed on 'Glowing Jelly'. When the Table of Foodstuffs gave forth a plate of jelly that glowed with the intensity of the moon, Zim stared at it. "This looks… SMELLS… like… the Plorgish Chips on my planet! A DELICACYYYYYY!" Zim wolfed down the jelly and was finished within twenty seconds. "Hmmm… a tad stale." When he spoke, the paint on the wall above Zim peeled.
"Okay, next? On that side?" The unenthusiastic host looked to the South Park side and pointed to Stan. "You, with the red poofball hat. Why don't you go?"
"Okay, fine!" Stan went up to the Wheel of Foodstuffs and spun it with his poorly drawn arms. Actually, more like poorly made arms, since they appeared to be made out of construction paper. "'Flavored Rice Cakes'?"
"Yeah, they could be any flavor. Cinnamon or chocolate, or cheese, or ranch dressing…" The host took out a bag of rice cakes. "Or, um, bile…" He handed them to Stan.
"Bile-flavored?! What the crap!" Stan protested.
"HA HA!" Cartman took pleasure out of Stan's displeasure.
"Shut up, fat ass! I actually have to eat this crap!" Stan opened the bag. "How much do I have to eat?"
"Hmm…" The host tapped his chin with the microphone. "Just keep eating until I say when."
"Fine…" Making a face and grumbling, the poor boy began eating the heinous rice snacks. He continued eating and eating until the strange-smelling bag was gone. Stan handed the empty bag to the host… and the host handed him a full bag in return.
"WHAT?!" Stan demanded.
"I didn't say when."
"HAHAHAHA! AAAAHAHAHA!" Cartman was finding the whole scene hilarious.
Over in the blue corner, Gir looked on, resting his metal head on his equally metal hands. "Ohhhhhhhh, I'm soooooo jell-eeeeeeees…"
"That what was very dramatic, that 'WHAT'!" Avatarjk137 the Cameraman exclaimed. "I caught it on zoom!"
"Catch this on zoom!" Stan flipped the cameraman off. A few people in the crowd made shocked noises. They were probably elderly people or maybe they're Amish because, come on, who hasn't been flipped off before?
"I will, thank you!" The cameraman smiled. "It's live TV. We'll use that as an excuse!"
Just as Stan mumbled something incoherent and opened the bag, the host interrupted him. "When,"
"WHADDAYA MEAN 'WHEN'?!" Stan shouted. "You just had me open another bag and complain to you on live television!"
"I got tired of you. Who's next? From Zim's side?" David Spade looked over ot the Zim's corner. "You, with the big head and obsessive tendencies!"
"FOR THE TWO-HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINTH TIME, I HAVE A NORMAL-SIZED HEAD!" Dib shouted.
"Hm. Maybe he's right…" Gaz murmured (still not looking up from her game console. She is one with the console). "…Maybe it's not naturally that way. Maybe it's swollen."
The quest laughed. "Ha ha ha… swollen? You're the only one I like on this whole show." Gaz didn't respond positively, but he should be happy she didn't respond negatively either.
"I thought you liked me!" Avatarjk137 piped up.
"I'm from Hollywood, man. I LIED."
Dib, meanwhile, came up and spun the Wheel of Foodstuffs, then looked at it. "Hmm… I just hope I don't get 'Bitchy Pills'. I have no idea what that would do to me…" he pondered aloud. Eventually the wheel landed on 'The Soup host Joel McHale'.
"Ohhh, you got Joel McHale? Oops, I wonder how THAT got there!" David couldn't help but smile. "Man, what a twist."
"MMMMMMFFF! Hmmm mffle mf mff fm! Pfft." The bound-and-gagged host of "The Soup" mumbled. Translation: I implore you, my friend, to please untie my bounds and let me walk free. Moreover, I do not even believe I would be a very delectable foodstuff.
"Do I really have to eat him? He's like six feet tall!" Dib complained. "or do I at least get some condiments or a way of cooking him?"
"EAT IT!" David yelled at Dib. "And do the world (or at least me) a favor."
"WTYFWFTFTMMMMFFFTU!" Translation: I dislike you both very much. This show is not created for a typical human being. May death come swiftly to you and may your suffering be plentiful. My show is on Fridays.
"Alllrighty, when we come back from break, Dib WILL eat this guy, or I WILL shove him down the Underground Classrooms with my bare hands!" The host waved as the camera turned on a commercial.
"But that's not faaaiiir!" Dib's whines were drowned out by a Senor Clean jingle.