She shouldn't have been startled at the question. It wasn't as if her downward spiral had been Port Charles' best kept secret. Tracy repeatedly claimed she botched Luke's bypass under the influence of alcohol, Jeff and Bobbie continuously monitored her at work, and Edward treated her like a porcelain doll about to shatter into a thousand pieces. An expert at avoidance, Monica emphatically shook her head, "No, this isn't about me, Jason. This is about your son, who - by the way - happens to be the second grandson you have stolen from me." It wasn't as if she was ever destined to be the warm and tender grandmother that Lila had been, but she wasn't sure she deserved to be banished from Michael and Jake's existence.
"That's not - - there was never a conspiracy to keep you out of Jake's life." Jason's frustration escalated, reflective of hers.
"Jeff Webber has been in town all of five minutes and he knew before I did," she reprimanded, in disbelief at his relentless lack of accountability. "How many other people know the truth? I'll bet Carly knows. What about Sonny?" His solemn face offered the confirmation she didn't really require and Monica scoffed, "God, when I think of the pedestal Alan and I put you on for years. A.J. may have had his faults but he loved us, and he always wanted us to be a part of his son's life."
"You don't think I want that; you don't think I wish it could be any other way than this?" He bowed his head to the floor, deflated. Anyone else would have been better suited to have this conversation than him but Spinelli's voice on the day of Emily's funeral entered his mind; you're all she has left. "I see the pain you're in without Alan and Emily. I didn't tell you about Jake because I didn't want to add another loss. I knew how much it would hurt you to have to love him from a distance."
"I managed to love you from a distance, didn't I?" The anguish visibly dissipated from her face as she breached the physical and emotional distance between them. No matter how different a man he had become from the little boy she raised, or how hard she tried to deny it, her heart reserved space for him. "I still do, Jason. So much so that it hurts to look at you." A wave of relief washed over him at those words; the optimist within him had dared to hope that her resentment toward him since Emily's death had been an involuntary and temporary outlet for her grief. "But you know how that feels, now that you're a parent."
"I'm sorry," he murmured.
"No, I'm sorry. Here I am, ever the hypocrite," Monica rolled her eyes. "Unable to understand how you could waste precious time with your son when that's exactly what I've done. I have spent the last few months wallowing about, so focused on who I've lost that I lost sight of the one person I have left - - you, " she chewed her bottom lip, nervously. "At least, I hope I still do."
"Always," Jason softly replied, his arms semi-open in cautious invitation and Monica tearfully collapsed into the embrace.
By the time Monica rebuilt her composure, Jason emerged from the kitchen with a cup of herbal tea which had been an unsolicited gift from Spinelli, who raved about the healing properties of a natural remedy. Gratefully, his mother curled two hands around what she instantly recognised as one of Lila's old China teacups. "Emily snuck it out of the house after Lila died," he explained, still unsure as to why his sister believed it held such importance; the cup, like Spinelli's tea, had occupied the most inaccessible space at the back of the kitchen cupboard.
"Oh, how I miss her," Monica wistfully smiled at the memory of her mother-in-law. "I miss all of them; Alan, especially. You know, after thirty years on and off, " she afforded a small smile. "I didn't know how to be alone - - to sleep alone. That's really when it started - the drinking, I mean." As a newfound widow, haunted by the memories, an extra glass of wine with dinner or second 'nightcap' made life a little more bearable. Jason nodded solemnly, his discomfort somewhat eased by the fact that Monica had volunteered the information without further heated confrontation. "Then Emily moved back home and I latched onto her like a lifeline. She saved me from myself again. " The vision of the little girl with a naive and wide open heart prompted a physical ache in her chest. "When she died, I felt like I'd broken the promise I made to her mother that I'd keep her safe. I felt like I failed her, the same way I failed to protect you."
A frown lined his forehead, "You're not responsible for me, Monica."
"I'm your mother, Jason, I'll always feel responsible for you." She would always wonder about the man he would have become if she had tried that bit harder to ensure Sonny and his world didn't enter into his reality. "You would think, after all these years, I'd be able to accept that you are an adult who makes your own choices but my instinct will always be to protect you. Maybe there's a lesson there," she pondered aloud. "If what Alan and I did in the name of protection felt like control to you, how do you think Jake will feel in twenty years' time about your decision to protect him?"