SONG: Thom Yorke - Hearing Damage

Chapter 43

A Mean Cycle

BPOV

It was about six in the evening, the emergency services had long gone, the hysteria had died down minutely, and the rest of the Cullen's had made their way over to Seattle from Forks. We were all sat in the living room – minus Edward – in a deafening silence.

I was exhausted. Edward, Dr. Cullen and I had practically been crying for half the day and I was all cried out, my eyes literally unable to produce anymore tears. That was until Edward's aunt Esme, Rosalie and Jasper got to the house, their own eyes watery and red, somber expressions on their faces, and they had me crying all over again. My eyes were puffy and sore, as well as my nose, which I had constantly been wiping due to the runny nose that accompanied the tears.

The torrent of emotion was exhausting, which was probably why Edward was asleep in his mom's bed. Dr. Cullen had told him to go take a nap, and he had headed to her bedroom silently. We didn't say a word. He was probably missing her already, and needed things to make him feel close to her. What better way to do that than to be surrounded by her stuff in her room, than smelling her scent on her pillows? I would probably do the same.

I was somewhat relieved that he had gone to sleep. I felt so ineffectual. All I could do was hold him, unable to even hold back my tears myself. I wasn't mainly crying for her, because honestly, I hardly knew her. I was crying for Edward, for Dr. Cullen, at the thought of how horrible it must be. I mean, I don't even know what I'd do if this had happened to my own mother, despite the fact that I hardly even saw her. And then Edward just kept repeating the same thing over and over, obviously still in shock, asking why she did it, though knowing that no one had an answer for him. He was in so much emotional agony, his voice sounding so tortured, that it was impossible for it to not be catching. Dr. Cullen was unable to hold back his tears too, even though I saw that he struggled to, but she was his sister, his twin sister in fact; he was probably hurting just as much as Edward.

The phone rang and we all jumped, Dr. Cullen grabbing it quickly as if the ringing was offensive.

"Hello." He rasped, his voice half gone from emotion. "Thank you Charlie. Yes, I'll just put her on."

He passed me the phone. I'd called my dad earlier on, so he knew what had happened, and he'd been calling periodically to see how we were doing. He'd wanted to drive down to Seattle too, but I stopped him because it would be pointless, seeing as I would be going back to Forks soon. I was going to be driving Edward's car back to Forks for him because there was no way he would be able to drive back in his state, and Dr. Cullen and Mrs. Cullen had their cars, so he wouldn't need it anyway.

The Cullen's were staying in Seattle until the funeral, which would be held on Friday. I wanted to stay there with them, but of course, I wasn't family, and the rest of the Cullen relatives would be coming during the week so they would need the space. My dad probably wouldn't let me anyway.

It was getting late now, and since it was going to be a three and a half hour drive back to Forks, I needed to leave. But I didn't want to, I wanted to stay and offer whatever help I could, no matter how ineffectual it was. My dad was phoning to tell me to come home.

I sighed. "Yes dad, I'm leaving soon. Yes, Edward's got a Sat Nav in his car. No, I won't get lost. No, I don't need you to meet me halfway. Yes, my stuff is all packed."

Finally, he got off the phone, and I sighed, getting up from the couch. Everyone looked at me, seemingly startled – no one had moved from their seats in hours.

"Um...my dad says I've got to go now." I mumbled.

Dr. Cullen nodded, standing up and walking over to me. He embraced me, his arm loosely around my neck. When he spoke his voice was shaky. "I'm so sorry you had to witness this Bella, so very sorry. Thank you so much for being here with us, for being there for Edward, you've been a great help. And thank you for taking his car back to Forks for him."

I nodded. "It's fine Dr. Cullen, really. It was the least I could do."

Mrs. Cullen stood up and hugged me too, whilst Jasper nodded at me gratefully, and Rosalie smiled sadly and mouthed, 'thanks'. I could feel the tears welling up again, and I honestly didn't want to go, at least not without saying goodbye to Edward first. But he was still asleep, and I wasn't going to wake him.

I smiled at them all timidly, before heading upstairs to Edward's room where I had left my overnight bag, somehow remembering to remove it from the hall after I had found Edward's mom in the bathroom. I passed the scene of the horror, shuddering as it all came flooding back to me. It had been cleaned, the bath drained of the bloody water, the razor taken away, the surfaces scrubbed until they were a dazzling white, a huge contrast to the chilling crimson.

It wasn't a suspicious death, so although the police had also turned up with the ambulance and questioned us, there wasn't a need to keep the bathroom the way it was for evidence. It was quite clear that it had been a suicide. I had been unable to clean it though, unable to go back in there because I had seen what a gruesome sight it had been, I had the memory of it embedded in my brain. Edward and Dr. Cullen couldn't clean it either, understandably, so it had been left the way it was until Mrs. Cullen, Jasper and Rosalie had gotten there.

They had only reached the house after Liz's body had been taken away, so they only witnessed the bloody bath, they could only imagine the terrifying scene, they hadn't actually seen it, so Mrs. Cullen was able to clean the bathroom, along with Rosalie and Jasper's help.

I passed the bathroom quickly, heading to Edward's room, when I saw a door opening at the end of the landing – the door to Edward's mom's room. Edward emerged from the room, and froze, staring at me. My footsteps also faltered as I spotted him. Just looking at him hurt my heart. His eyes were swollen, and red, his face too pale, his hair flattened on one side. But it was the look on his face that killed me.

He looked lifeless.

The smouldering fire in his hazel eyes had dulled to a tiny flame. His face was vacant, unreadable as he stared at me silently.

I hurried over to him, feeling the tears building up behind my eyelids again at the sight of him. I stood before him, and brought my hand up to cup his cheek. He closed his eyes at my touch, and I could see the emotion trying to break through his stoic features but he didn't let them. He held up a piece of paper to me. "Found it on her bedside table." He murmured impassively.

I took the paper from him, which was badly creased, looking as if he had crumpled it up and then unfolded it again, and read the small black script, realisation dawning on me as I realised what it was.

It was her suicide note.

Carl,

My twin brother, my best friend, the only person who could come close to understanding how I felt. I'm writing this to you to say, I'm sorry, and to maybe gain a little forgiveness. I know you're probably disappointed in me for giving up, for doing the exact same thing that mom did to us, but you see, I'm not angry with her anymore. I'm not angry because I understand exactly how she felt, exactly why she did it, and I'm just hoping that you will understand too, and maybe in time forgive me. I wasn't happy with my life Carl, you have to understand that. I felt so out of control, so useless. I couldn't even take care of my baby boy for goodness sake. The medication was only a temporary fix to that feeling, and I couldn't live my life that way anymore, relying on medication to keep me normal. If there was medication that would have healed me completely then believe me, I would have taken it in a heartbeat, but I know there is no such thing.

I had to do it. I didn't want to leave Edward, or you, or Esme, or anyone I loved, but I had to do it. Please, please try to understand, please try to forgive me. I'm sorry for hurting you, because I know that it will hurt, but I'm not sorry for doing it. Please, look after Edward for me, you and Esme have already been doing a great job and I'm sorry for making you have to take care of my child for me, but again, I'm hoping you will understand. Thank you so much for everything you did for me, for everything I know you will do when I'm gone. I'm thanking you on Edward's behalf too. Tell Esme, Rose and Jazz and the rest of the family that I'm sorry. I love you all. I'm sorry.

Liz

My mouth was agape.

"Is that all?" I asked incredulously. Didn't she even think to write something to Edward? Didn't she think she owed him some kind of explanation too? Did she even love him?

His jaw was tensed though his face remained blank. "She wrote me one, it's in the trash. I threw this one in there too, but then I figured it was unfair to not let uncle C see it, and I took it out again."

"Can I see it?" I asked him tentatively.

He shrugged. "If you want. It's in the trashcan in her room. Give uncle C's one to him for me, please."

He moved around me and started walking towards his bedroom. I watched him as he entered it and shut the door behind him. I then slowly walked into his mom's bedroom. It felt eerie and wrong being in there, but I needed to see her note to Edward. I found the trashcan easily by the door, the balled up piece of paper at the top of the trash. I took it out and went back out onto the landing to read it, wanting to be out of her bedroom. I unravelled the paper from the tight ball Edward had put it in, and my eyes trailed over the page.

Edward,

My baby boy. Words cannot express how sorry I am. I failed you, I know, and there is nothing I can say that will ever make up for that. All I ask of you is that, with time, you can forgive me. I know you don't understand why I did it, although I have tried to explain it to you, and honestly, I don't want you to understand, because I don't want you to ever have to experience what I felt, what made me want to end my own life. I love you. Never, ever forget that. Please know that, and believe that. I didn't leave you because I didn't love you, I did it for other reasons, reasons that I hope you will be able to forgive me for, and I know that it is selfish, but I had to do it.

I wanted to meet Bella before I did it, to make sure that you were happy with her, that you would, at least, have happiness when I left, and I can tell that you will. She's perfect for you Edward and I can tell that she loves you very much, and that you return the sentiment. In fact, you both remind me of your father and me at your age. I'm just a little disappointed that I couldn't get to know her a little more. You won't be alone Edward. You have her, and you have your uncle and aunt, and your cousins, and honestly, I believe you will be a lot happier without me. Once again, I'm sorry honey, sorry for being a terrible mother, sorry for causing you so much pain. Just please remember that I love you. I always have, and always will.

Mom

I realised I was crying as I finished the letter, and that Edward was standing silently in the doorway of his bedroom, watching me. His face was still emotionless, but it was obvious he was on the verge of breaking down again. I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, sobbing quietly into his chest. He didn't move for a moment, his arms remaining by his sides, but then slowly, I felt them encircling my waist and he buried his face in the crook of my neck. He was silent, not making any sound at all, but eventually the shoulder of my sweater was soaked.

We stayed like that for a long while, until eventually I had to pull away from him because it was getting late and I needed to go. I cupped his face in my hands, looking into his watery, heartbreaking hazel eyes. I brushed his tears away with my thumbs.

"I have to go." I whispered. "But I promise I'll call you everyday ok?" He nodded silently. "And I'll take good care of your car until you get back." I said, with a small smile. He didn't return it. I leaned up and kissed him chastely on his lips, before retrieving my bag from his room. He went to lie on his bed on his back, staring at the ceiling, and I kissed him again quickly on his cheek before I went downstairs.

I handed both notes to Dr. Cullen before I left, and walked out of the front door to more gasping sobs and they read it. I got into Edward's car, fiddling about with the mirrors and controls a little before I started up the quiet engine. It was a good thing I had driven it once before so I knew a little about how to manoeuvre it. I slowly backed out of Edward's mom's driveway, glancing up at the house one last time, before turning into the road and making my way back to Forks.

The weeks passed by fairly quickly.

I did try to call Edward everyday that first week, but he never answered his cell. It just rang out until it eventually went to voicemail. I didn't bother leaving a message. I sent him text messages though, just to let him know that I was thinking of him, even if he didn't want to talk to me, he would at least know that.

I found myself spending a lot of time in his car, just driving aimlessly around Forks really, my hand often stroking the Cullen crest necklace he had given me. I missed him, and the car and necklace were the only things I had of him for the time being. I kept the car at my house because there was no point taking it to the Cullen house, seeing as no one was there anyway. I felt miserable, though I really didn't know why, I mean, it wasn't my mom that had died. But it was as if I was connected to Edward now, and I knew he was hurting, so I was equally hurting.

School was just a routine. I barely even noticed what was going on around there, even Alice couldn't cheer me up. I hadn't even bothered to tell her that I'd lost my virginity. Something that had seemed so important before that I would have probably called her the next morning to tell her, seemed so insignificant and unimportant now. Everyone at school knew what had happened. I wasn't sure how, but it was Forks, so it wasn't surprising. A lot of people kept coming up to me and telling me they were sorry, and that I should send out their sympathies to Edward and Rosalie and Jasper.

I was by my locker one day, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I spun around to find Tanya Denali standing there. I sighed, not in the mood for any of her crap.

"What, Tanya?" I snapped.

She blinked at me in surprise. "I...I err...I just wanted to see if you were ok, you know; I heard what happened...to Edward's mom."

"Oh." I was slightly stunned.

"Tell Edward that I'm thinking of him. I mean, I know what it feels like to lose someone you love. Garrett was my friend though; I couldn't ever imagine the pain of losing my mom." She shook her head sadly. "Tell him I'm so sorry for his loss."

I nodded. "I will. Thanks Tanya."

She nodded in return, smiling lightly and squeezing my shoulder gently, before turning around and walking away.

The Cullen's came back to Forks on Monday evening the next week.

I drove over there in Edward's car as soon as I had found out that they were back. Edward was in his bedroom but he wouldn't let me in. Dr. Cullen had warned me that he had been locked in his room for the past week, refusing to see or talk to anyone, barely eating. I thought that that wouldn't matter, that he would definitely want to see me, but I was wrong. He ignored me as I knocked on his door, calling his name and pleading with him to let me in.

Dr. Cullen smiled at me sympathetically when I gave up and went downstairs, feeling even more dejected. "He's grieving Bella." He said gently. "Give him a little time, a little space ok? Look after his car for him for the time being."

I nodded.

I left Edward alone for the week, though it was incredibly difficult to do. I did try to call him a few times, but to no avail, he still wasn't answering my calls. So I continued sending him texts, hoping that he was, at least, reading them. Rosalie and Jasper came back to school on Wednesday, but Edward didn't. I asked Jasper about Edward, how he was doing, and Jasper informed me that he still locked himself in his bedroom most of the time, only coming out to eat. He barely spoke to anyone, and was just impassive, not showing any emotion towards anything.

After he didn't turn up for school again the whole of the next week, I began to get worried.

EPOV

It was like I was going through stages.

At first, all I did was fucking cry, and I hated it, I fucking hated crying.

Then, after the crying had stopped I was livid. Absolutely fuming mad.

The fury ripped through me like a hurricane, seeming like it came from nowhere, and honestly, I wasn't entirely sure why I was so angry. I felt the need to act out my anger, to do something to purge it out. My fingers twitched with the restraint until I didn't give a shit anymore.

I smashed up my bedroom in my mother's house.

Decimated the whole fucking room.

The computer was smashed to pieces, the sheets on my bed torn up; there were multiple holes in the walls caused by my fists and other objects I hurled at them. I took my baseball bat to every fucking thing I could get my hands on, knocking the books off of my book shelf and tearing them up to pieces. I tried to smash up the bed and the desk and the bookcase, but they were too fucking strong. They were about the only thing I left undamaged.

Then, I very nearly burnt down the whole fucking house. I only wanted to burn the desk, and bookshelf, and books, not thinking about the fact that the fire would spread to the whole house. The flame from the match had just caught the edge of the desk when, thankfully, I realised how stupid that idea was, and I put it out quickly.

After I was done, I felt strangely calm, content even, and I sat on the floor in the middle of the destruction, a small smile across my face.

Uncle C, aunt E, Jazz and Rose had all come to see what the commotion was about. They had stood in the doorway of my room, staring from me to the smashed room and back again, in alarm and complete disbelief.

But they didn't say anything.

The day of the funeral I was back to fucking tears.

And after we had buried my mother next to my dad, I cleaned up the bedroom, trying to fix everything that could be saved, and throwing out everything else that couldn't – which was nearly everything. I'd cried a little more after that, and then that was it.

I didn't feel like crying anymore.

When we got back to Forks, I didn't feel like doing anything at all. I didn't feel anything.

I couldn't even be bothered to drag myself out of bed to shower and brush my teeth, but I knew I had to, so that was just about the only thing I got out of bed to do. I barely ate, hardly ever feeling hungry, and if I did get hungry – which was about once a day – I would manage to leave my room to go and eat something. I barely spoke to anyone, ignored my phone calls and texts, didn't even acknowledge the people banging on my door, pleading with me to open it.

And ok, I did feel something; I just didn't want to admit it to myself, because if I felt this way, my suspicions about what was happening to me would be correct.

All I did all day was just think.

I lay on my back on my bed, and just thought about everything, every single little detail of my life, significant things, random unimportant things, of my mother, of school, of my childhood, of my friends, all of it. I lost track of the days, and would have lost track of the time if my alarm clock wasn't lying on my bedside table, because my curtains remained shut.

I checked my phone eventually, finding a load of missed calls and texts from Bella.

I thought of her too, all the time.

But I couldn't answer her calls or texts; I couldn't see her – partly because I didn't want her to see me like this.

But mainly because I didn't want to end up hurting her, didn't want to make her life hell, like my mother had done to me. I couldn't put her through that.

It would be better for Bella if she stopped seeing me, if she stopped loving me. I fucking loved her, I did, but the strength to even pick up my phone, and text her those three little words wasn't there, and that alone spoke volumes.

I was depressed, and I knew it.

In fact, I was more than just depressed.

'They say that it's genetic, you know, some people are more predisposed to have it and an event can trigger it.'

'I knew the fucking signs. I had read everything I could possibly find on Bipolar Disorder when I'd found out my mom had it. I knew what signs to look for...'

'When she couldn't even muster up enough strength to show emotion, I knew she was bad.'

'It was eleven thirty and my mom still hadn't even left her bed. Uncle C sighed forlornly, shaking his head as he continued pounding on her door fruitlessly.'

'...but she is Bipolar. I know that that doesn't excuse her selfishness, but she has no control of her emotions because of it. Without her mood stabilizers, her mood is always on the far end of each spectrum. She could feel elated, energetic, to the point where she could even be a danger to herself and others around her. She could feel low, extremely low to the point that she feels like her life is not worth living anymore. There is no middle ground for her.'

"Unless we experience it firsthand, you and I will never understand it. We'll never know how she is feeling right now."

And for the first time ever in my entire life, I understood it all too well. I understood how my mother had felt.

I wasn't stupid, I had researched it enough to be able to spot all the fucking signs a mile away, and I knew that I was showing all the fucking signs. Uncle C knew too, I was sure he did, but for some reason, he wasn't saying anything about it.

I was just like her.

I had it too.

I was Bipolar.

Author's Note:

Epilogue will be posted tomorrow.

Savannah-Vee