SONG: Destiny's Child - Emotions

Author's Note:

Oops sorry guys, this isn't the Epilogue. This is the last chapter. It was meant to be the Epilogue but ended up too long for an Epilogue, so I will post the Epilogue maybe tomorrow, or on Saturday.

Savannah-Vee

Chapter 44

Emotions

BPOV

I was incredibly nervous as I sat on the leather couch in Dr. Cullen's office.

So nervous I was unable to sit still. My foot tapped incessantly on the wooden floorboard underneath my feet, my fingers were knitted together, hands clasped in my lap to stop them from their constant fidgeting, my bottom lip was sore as I had been biting it so much I'd damn near ripped the skin off of it.

My anxiety and nerves were there because I knew that whatever reason Dr. Cullen had asked me into his office for couldn't be good. In fact, I'd had a constant nagging feeling for a while now. I had thought that it was just because I hadn't seen Edward since Seattle, and that was almost a month ago now, but as I sat in the office, waiting for him to begin whatever he had to tell me, I knew that the feeling of dread was because of more than that. Like I said, I felt as if I was connected to Edward now, and although I hadn't seen him in almost a month, I knew that there was something not quite right. I mean, that was probably obvious considering the fact that his mom had just killed herself, but it was more than that. I couldn't explain it; I just knew that something was bad.

Every day at school I would ask Jasper about Edward, how he was doing, seeing as he still wasn't answering or returning my calls or texts, and still refusing to see me. Jasper would always tell me the same thing, that he was ok, but still grieving so he needed space. I was grateful to him for the news, I mean, I must have started bugging him, asking him about Edward every day, but he never showed any irritation, and he always answered me. But, I had a suspicion that he wasn't telling me the whole truth about how Edward was. I didn't think he was lying exactly, just that he was probably keeping something back from me, and that only added to the apprehension that was constant in the pit of my stomach.

I was hurt that Edward didn't want to see me, of course, and I missed him horribly. The car had stopped smelling of his cologne now, because I was always in it, and he hadn't been in it for a while, so it didn't comfort me the way it used to. But I understood, well, I tried to understand. I mean, who knows how I would have been if my mom had killed herself, and he had only had his mom as a parent for his whole life, he hadn't even known his dad. I understood that he probably needed a lot of time on his own, that it would take a while for him to heal, and I wasn't going to push it. He would see me when he was ready.

That didn't stop me from worrying though, so I spent a lot of time at the Cullen house, just hanging out there, hoping that I would catch a glimpse of him, because Jasper told me he only left his room for food. I just wanted to see him to make sure he was ok, to make sure he hadn't ripped his hair out or hurt himself or something, though Jasper had assured me that he hadn't. But I never did see him; it was as if he was avoiding me on purpose or something, though Jasper told me – unconvincingly – that he wasn't. Alice usually came with me to hang out at the Cullen's, and we would sit with Jasper in the living room mostly, just watching TV. I felt like a third wheel when they would snuggle up together on the couch, whispering things to each other, and Alice would giggle, and they would sometimes make out, and I would just miss Edward so much more.

So I had come over to the Cullen's, like I usually did after school - my dad was surprisingly alright with the amount of time I spent there now – and Dr. Cullen had been home. He wasn't usually at home until a lot later, so it surprised me to see him there. He smiled at me warmly as he always did, and greeted me, and then he asked if I could come into his office with him for a while because he wanted to talk to me. He was still smiling softly as he said it, his expression calm – maybe too calm – and I was immediately on edge. The feeling of dread started rolling in the pit of my stomach, increasing with each step towards his office, and it only worsened as I sat impatiently, waiting for him to talk.

He was taking his time, fiddling about with papers on his desk, tidying it up a little. My palms were damp, my fingers still clasped together, and I cleared my throat, trying to get my voice in order in case I had to talk, because my throat felt scratchy and hoarse with nerves.

He glanced up at me after I cleared my throat, probably thinking I was signalling him to begin, which I really wasn't doing at all. He smiled at me, his face still calm and gentle, and it only made me more nervous. I mean, he was a doctor, doctors usually got that look when they were about to tell you some bad news and didn't want you to get alarmed.

"Relax Bella." He said. "I've got something to tell you about Edward, but really it's not as bad as you're probably thinking it is. You just need to be aware of it because, well, it will be hard to ignore, and you'll probably have to deal with it at some point, seeing as you're his girlfriend."

His cryptic words were really not helping.

"Ok." I replied, swallowing. "What is it?"

His face lost the smile, and he clasped his hands together before him on his desk – just like I was doing. "Edward is manic depressive. He has Bipolar Disorder."

I froze, my eyes widening as I absorbed Dr. Cullen's words.

He was silent for a moment, watching my face intently, probably gauging my reaction.

"Bipolar Disorder?" I breathed incredulously, my voice coming out an almost whisper. "Edward has it?"

Dr. Cullen nodded morosely.

And I felt a deep stab of pain through my heart. It wasn't physical pain, but was almost as painful, if not more. Edward was Bipolar, just like his mom had been. All those years of him having to see her living with it, knowing that she had killed herself because of it, and now he had to live with it too. It wasn't fair, why couldn't he catch a break? I hated admitting it, but I agreed with his mother when she had said in her note, that she believed he could be happy. He could be happier now that she was gone, because, as harsh as this was; she was a burden to him. No seventeen year olds I knew had had it as hard as Edward, and yet, he was still normal, still somewhat happy. He was strong, slightly more mature than other seventeen year old guys – though he had his moments – and that was maybe a good thing, but the way he had learnt to be that way wasn't good. He had had to take care of himself and his mother for most of his life, never really getting a chance to be a teenager, I mean, even when he came to Forks he was constantly worrying about her. And now that she was gone, he finally had a chance to be a proper teenager again, to live his life without the constant worry and stress.

But now, he had it too. He still wouldn't be able to be fully stress-free.

My lips trembled as I felt the tears trickling down my face.

Dr. Cullen sighed quietly. "Please don't cry Bella, it's not as bad as you think. Edward's mom was diagnosed with the disorder pretty late in her life, she had had to live with it for some time before she got help, and then having a baby as well as having her husband die, well, that was just too much for her. Liz was always very sensitive anyway, and Edward did inherit that from her, but because of what he went through, he is considerably stronger. Plus, he has a strong support system here with us, I will never let him get to the point of wanting to end his life, and that is a promise."

My eyes widened at his words. I hadn't even thought of that possibility, that Edward could try to kill himself like his mom did, and I started letting out gasping sobs, almost hyperventilating, my hands trembling before me.

Dr. Cullen raced around his desk, his face lined with worry. He came over to the couch and crouched before me, grabbing my shoulders.

"Take it easy Bella." He soothed, his thumbs stroking my shoulders. "Relax, take deep breaths, I don't want you passing out."

I obliged, trying to slow down my breathing, but the tears still came, running down my face uncontrollably. Dr. Cullen took a few tissues from his desk and handed them to me and I wiped my face, blowing my nose noisily. He went to sit back at his desk, and waited patiently until I had pulled myself together.

When I finally had I nodded at him to continue, mumbling a quick, "Sorry," and feeling embarrassed.

He smiled. "You've got nothing to apologise for. Now, I just want to explain a few things to you about the disorder so you'll know what to expect ok?"

I nodded.

"Ok. Well, my mother was also Bipolar, as was my grandfather, so it's not really a shock to us that Edward has it. It's genetic, though we don't really know the cause of it. It's likely that Edward has had it for his whole life, though it's only truly manifested after the trauma of...Liz's death."

I was shocked to hear this. "So, your grandfather, was he the doctor that Edward was telling me about? He told me that he was a good doctor, a sort of local hero."

Dr. Cullen smiled. "Yes. I believe that is who he was talking about. And as you see, he was Bipolar, but a perfectly good doctor. It isn't a hindrance Bella, and I assure you that Edward will be fine. Bipolar is often misdiagnosed as schizophrenia, but it is very different to it. Edward's mother had Bipolar 2 Disorder, but I suspect that Edward's is Mixed Bipolar."

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"With most other forms of the disorder, the moods alternate between elevated and depressed, like with his mother. But with Mixed Bipolar, he can experience both elevated and depressed at the same time, or one straight after the other. I'm not too sure, as he still refuses to leave his room for any longer than fifteen minutes, but I hear him playing music, sometimes even playing his guitar, and I assume that he isn't depressed at those points. But they don't last too long."

"Is he getting help for it?"

Dr. Cullen sighed. "Well, not at the moment. He hasn't even been diagnosed properly, I'm just giving him a diagnosis based on what I know about the disorder, what I've learnt over the years, but he's going to need a proper evaluation from a psychiatrist, and as he isn't communicating, refusing to do anything really, there's not much I can do. I'll just have to wait until he feels ready to come to me for help. He is aware that he has it, I'm pretty sure of that."

I had read up on the symptoms a little, but not a lot at all, so I had a vague idea of what to expect. "So what are the symptoms and things I need to look out for?"

"During his manic episodes expect him to be excessively happy, excited, he'll have an increased amount of energy, racing thoughts, often not finishing a sentence before starting another, he could be restless and irritable, likely to snap at you for little things. And..."

Dr. Cullen paused, running his hand through his hair. He reminded me of Edward so much when he did that. He seemed to be slightly...embarrassed? His face was tinged with a light pink. I watched him questioningly, and he sighed.

"I don't know how far you and Edward have gone sexually, but during his manic episodes he may have a higher sex drive than normal, so please remember to take precautions. I will gladly supply you with birth control, if you ever wish to take it."

I felt my face flushing immediately as my eyes widened.

Dr. Cullen cleared his throat. "And during depressive episodes, he'll be low, anxious, he'll have no energy, he may also cry a lot for no apparent reason, he might lose his appetite, or gain a bigger appetite, he might sleep a lot, have difficulty making decisions, and as with the mania he will be irritable. And – remember this is just in extreme scenarios Bella; don't be alarmed – he could have thoughts of death and suicide."

I gasped.

"Remember what I said? I will try my best to not let it get that bad. Ok?"

I nodded.

"And that's about it I suppose." He said with a sigh. "When we can get him properly diagnosed and figure out which medication would be best suited for him, then I will have a talk with you about the medication, and reminding him to take it."

I nodded again and stood from the couch, walking over to the door.

"And Bella," Dr. Cullen called, just as I was about to open the door. I looked back at him. "You aren't obliged to stay with him you know. If you find his condition too difficult for you to cope with, then we won't hold it against you if you don't want to be with him anymore. In fact, you have been incredibly supportive so far, far more mature about this than a girl your age is expected to be."

I was puzzled at his words, frowning at him. He expected me to leave Edward just because he was Bipolar? That was impossible. I loved Edward, and no matter what happened, I would stick by him. What kind of person would I be? Leaving him at a time when he needed the most support?

"Ok." I answered calmly, though honestly I was quite pissed at what he was insinuating. "But I have no plans to leave Edward unless he wants me to, and even then I won't go willingly. I love him Dr. Cullen."

Dr. Cullen smiled at me, his eyes crinkling at the corners, and he looked very much like Edward's mom at that moment, eerily so in fact. It was as if it was her smiling at my words from beyond the grave. He nodded at me silently, and I hurried out of the room.

It was almost a week later, when I finally saw Edward.

I was at the Cullen house, goofing around with Emmett and Alice and Jasper, when I felt another presence in the room with us. I felt eyes on me, and I glanced around the living room abruptly, until my eyes settled on him, standing in the doorway. My heart leapt with joy at the mere sight of him, an involuntary smile spreading over my features, and his own face lit up with that adorably lopsided grin of his.

Emmett, Jasper and Alice had also spotted him, and they had all frozen, the living room filled with a loaded silence and we all stared at Edward.

He looked exactly the same as he always did. He was still gorgeous, his pale face still smooth and flawless, his eyes still an amazing blend of green and brown, his bronze hair still lustrous and soft looking, and it had grown longer so it wasn't as sticking up as it used to be, it now flopped down more over his forehead, slightly concealing his brow and I wanted so much to just stroke it back, to feel those silky locks again. It had been so long.

But there were also a few slight differences to him. He was leaner, obvious evidence that he hadn't been eating much, and although it wasn't a huge amount of weight loss, I noticed it immediately. The white wife beater he wore wasn't as snug fitting as it used to be, and his jeans were hanging just a little bit lower than he liked to wear them. His eyes, although the same, were also different. They weren't as bright as they used to be, they had dulled, and I was afraid that the spark in them was lost forever. His crooked smile, although beautiful as always, didn't reach his eyes. He was unhappy, it was obvious, and I felt the tingling in my nose that indicated I was about to cry.

He sighed, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Can I talk to you?" He asked quietly, hanging his head so his hair concealed his face.

"Ok." I answered, getting up from the couch.

He turned and started walking out of the living room, and I followed behind him as we made our way up the stairs towards his bedroom. He opened his door and held it for me, wanting me to walk through first, and then followed me after I had walked in. He closed the door behind him and turned the lock, locking it.

He smirked – it still didn't reach his eyes. "I know we're not supposed to have the door closed and locked when there's a guest in the room, but what the heck."

I didn't say anything; I just stood in the middle of his bedroom staring at him.

He sighed deeply. "Jeez Bella, you can sit down you know."

I went to sit on the edge of his bed, and he followed, sitting next to me.

We were both silent for a minute. He leaned back on his arms; his head raised to the ceiling, and he sighed again. I just stared at him silently, completely dumbfounded that I was here with him again, that he was ok, that he was still Edward. Because honestly, I had expected him to be different, to act differently or something because of his bipolar, but he wasn't. He was still my Edward.

"Bella." He turned to me suddenly, his voice quiet, and rough. "I am so sorry."

His hand reached out for my face and he cupped my cheek tenderly. I closed my eyes for a moment, revelling in his touch. I had missed it so much. His thumb brushed against the hollow underneath my eye, and I was surprised to feel wetness there. I didn't even realise I was crying.

"Please don't cry baby. I'm sorry." He whispered; his voice shaky. "God Bella. I'm a mess." He let go of my cheek and stared back up at the ceiling again, and I saw the shimmer of a tear trickling down his cheek. "I don't know what to fucking do. One minute I feel fine, the next minute I'm crying like a fucking..." He shook his head. "Then sometimes I feel so fucking...happy for no reason." His eyes were wide and incredulous. "And then I feel bad because I shouldn't be happy. My mom's dead and I'm just sitting there, grinning like the fucking Cheshire cat, and I don't fucking know why."

I couldn't bear to see him like this, to see him so distressed.

I got off the bed and kneeled before him between his legs, holding his face in my hands, and pulling it down so he could look at me. He looked so anxious, so scared, so lost as he stared into my eyes, and I wound my arms around his neck and held him tightly.

"You don't have anything to apologise for," I told him as I rocked him back and forth. "Ok? This is not your fault."

He shook his head fiercely. "But I haven't seen, or even spoken to you in weeks Bella. What kind of boyfriend am I? After you've done so much –"

"Shhh," I whispered. "You couldn't help it Edward, I understand. Please, don't beat yourself up about this."

"I don't deserve you Bella. Jake was right when he said you were too good for me."

"No!" I cried. "Don't say that, of course he wasn't right."

"But look at me! I'm Bipolar Bella, just like my mom was. And you saw how fucked up she was, you saw how much pain she caused me. I'm probably just going to end up doing that to you. I'm gonna fucking hurt you, I know I will. And you don't deserve that Bella. You shouldn't waste your time on me. You deserve to find someone normal, someone who won't hurt you. I'm no fucking good for you Bella."

I pulled back from him and cupped his face again, staring intently into his eyes. "Edward listen to me, you are perfect for me ok? I don't want anyone else; I won't ever want anyone else. I'm going to stay with you and I won't leave you, I promise."

He nodded slowly, and I nodded with him, brushing his tears away with my thumbs.

"I love you Bella." He whispered.

"I love you too Edward." I answered.