Episode 15: S.I. 2

"A Bench out in the middle of nowhere"

::Ryo sat on a bench in a white suit and a box of chocolates in his lap::
::A black girl sat next to him, reading a book::
::Ryo turned towards the girl::

Ryo-san: Hi, im Ryo, Ryo Hazuki.

::He held the box of chocolates up to her::

Ryo-san: Do you want some? I could eat about one and a half of these. if I eat anymore I take some really huge shits. Hey, these chocolates are dark. Kinda like you. Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. Ya never know what your gonna get, until you look at the label. That phrase would of made sense if Candy Boxes didn't have labels. Ya know?
::Ryo looked at the black girls shoes::

Ryo-san:(Pointing at the shoes) Those must be comfortable shoes. Momma said you can tell a lot about a person by their shoes: Where they've been and what they've done. I stepped in some Dog Shit on my way down here so I say my reputation's pretty fucked.
Girl: What didn't yo momma tell you! She sounds like a lecturing bitch!
Ryo-san: Oh momma told me lots of things. I remember when I was young...

Narrator Ryo-san

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////

"Sendai, Japan. A small town. 1975"

::Ryo walked alongside his mom with braces on his feet::

Narrator: I had braces on my legs when I was young. Something was wrong with my legs or something. Momma said something happened to them when I was coming out of her cave when I was born. She never did tell me what though.

Ryo-san: Momma! Why people be callin' me gay at school?
Momma: Ryo, listen to me baby. Your no gayer than anyone else in this world. If God wanted everyone to be straight he would of made us all straight!

::Ryo and his mom got to their house::
::Ryo's mom took him up on the porch::

Momma: Remember Ryo, you are NO DIFFERENT from anyone else... YOU ARE NOT GAY...

"School of the Gifted"

Principle: Your son is gay Mrs. Hazuki. I saw how he stared at the boys asses as they were stretching at the evaluation.
Momma: Well Mr. Tranny-san, we're all different!
Narrator: Momma wanted me to get the finest education. I really was not gay, I just went through that phase that every young boy goes through. Ya know? For attention and all.

"Ryo's House"

Narrator: Our house was never empty. Sometimes we had so many people staying with us, every room was filled with travelers.

::A man walked in with a Machine Gun::

Man: Im gonna blow you all to fucking hell! GIVE ME ALL YOUR GODDAMN JEWELRY!!!

Narrator: We got robbed a lot too. Momma was too nice. One time, a man stayed with us. He had himself an Alcohol Case.

::Elvis handed Ryo some Vodka::

Ryo-san: No thanks. Im not a drunk.
Elvis: MY LIFE IS RUINED!!!!! I just killed my wife, robbed a bank, and now im her hidding out in Japan from the cops!!! IM SOOOO SCREWED!!!!
Ryo-san: Don't worry buddy, your secret is safe with me.
Elvis: Thanks man.

::Ryo walked downstairs::

Ryo-san: WE GOT A MURDERER UP IN HERE, EVERYONE SCATTER!!!!

::Everyone fled the house::

"Outside of the house"

Narrator: Heck! I remember the bus ride on the first day of school.

::The bus pulled up in front of Ryo::
::The doors opened::
::Ryo stood and starred at the Bus Driver::
::She smoked about three cigarettes at one time::
::She coughed perfusely::

Ryo-san: Are you ok? Momma told me not to be taking rides from Drug Addicts.
Bus Driver: This is the bus to school.
Ryo-san: Let me have a puff of that smoke maker!

::Ryo took a cigarette and smoked it::

Ryo-san: Well now we both are Drug Addicts aren't we?

::Ryo got on the bus::

Boy in a seat: YOU CAN SIT HERE!!!
Other boy: YOU CAN SIT HERE!! COME ON!!!

Narrator: I don't remember being born, I don't remember taking my first piss, I don't remember the first time I shaved my pubes, but I do remember the time when I heard the ugliest voice in the whole wide world!!!
Girl: You can't sit here you loser!!!
Ryo-san: Then that makes us friends right?
Narrator: I had never seen something so hideous in my life. She was like the Swamp Thing.

::Ryo sat down next to her::
Driver: CLOSE YOUR EARS CHILDREN!!! APPROACHING GHETTO NEIGHBORHOOD!!! GET OUT YOUR AK-47'S!!!

::The kids took out their guns and pointed them out the windows, firing them at the people. The people fired back::
::The bus drove on by::
::Nozomi felt on Ryo's Dick::

Nozomi: What's wrong with you dick?
Ryo-san: Well nothing at all thank you! My dick is just fine and dandy!
Nozomi: It aint going up and im feelin' on ya!
Narrator: I just sat on that bus and imagined her as a man.
Nozomi: Are you gay or something?
Ryo-san: Momma said a fag is a fag does.
Narrator: From that day on, me and Nozomi were always together! We were like flies on shit. She taught me how to stroke her back, and I taught her how to resesitate a cow! She taught me how to squeal like a girl when we were in dark places, and I showed her how to squirt milk from her nipples.

"Path from school"

::Ryo and Nozomi were walking about together with their books::
::Kids came up from behind the tossed dirt at Ryo::

Kids: Hey idiot!!!
Nozomi: RUN RYO!!! RUN AWAY!!! RUN RYO, RUN!!!
Ryo-san: Fuck that shit!!!

::Ryo went up to the kids and shoved their heads in the ground::

Ryo-san: DON'T FUCK WITH ME AGAIN YOU COCKSUCKERS!!!!

"Path from school about ten years later"

::The same kids tossed dirt at Ryo::

Nozomi: RUN RYO! RUN!!!

::The kids all piled up in their Lawn Mower and drove after him::

Kids: COME HERE STUPID!!!!

::Ryo out ran them and jumped over a fence, tripping on the top::

Ryo-san: GODDAMNIT!!!
Narrator: Now it used to be, I ran to get where I was goin'. I never thought it would take me anywhere.

::Ryo ran towards the Grand Canyon::

Ryo-san: OH SHIIIIITTT!!!

::Ryo ran off::

Narrator: I also went into the army.

"Army Bus"

::Ryo got on and approached the Army Driver::

Ryo-san: Hi im Ryo, Ryo Hazuki.
Driver: Hi nice to meet you buddy. Get on and have a wonderful ride.
Ryo-san: Thanks.

::The driver slapped Ryo's ass as he walked by::

Driver: Fine piece of ass you are, eh?

::Ryo searched for a seat::

Man: You can sit here is you want to.

::Ryo sat down next to the man::

Man: Ever been on a real Shrimp Boat?
Ryo-san: No, but I've been on a real big boat.
Man: Like the Titanic?
Ryo-san: No, like the Aragonator.
Man: What's that?
Ryo-san: This big boat I built out of leggos when I was young.

::Ryo looked down at the man's briefcase and heard a ticking sound::

Ryo-san: What's the sound?
Man: A bomb.
Ryo-san: Oh... cool.
Man: My real name is Benjamin Buferd Blue, but people call me Boobie.

Narrator: Boobie was from a family tradition of shrimp. Boobie's mom cooked shrimp...

::Boobie's mom walked into a room and placed a bowl of shrimp on front of a man::
::The man ate the soup and started choking and died::
Narrator: And her momma before her cooked shrimp...

::Boobie's mom walked into a room and placed a bowl in front of a man::
::The man ate it and started shitting uncontrollably::

Narrator: Boobie's mom knew everything there was to know about choking and shitting.
Boobie: As a matter or fact, im going into the Shrimping Buisness right after I get out of the army.
Ryo-san: Remind me not to buy any when ya sell it to me.

"Vietnam War Site"

Narrator: Now it was suppose to be the Americans fighting the Vietnamese, but they ended up all piling up in a plane and the pilot got drunk or something.

::Plane flied towards the ocean::

Pilot: I CAN SEE SPONGEBOB!!! COME HERE LITTLE FELLOW!!!

::Plane crashed and blew up::

Narrator: So the Japanese ended up fighting.

::Ryo and Boobie were at the Soldier Campsite::
::They walked up to Leautenant Dan::

Dan: So you must be my FNG's?

::Ryo and Boobie saluted Dan::

Ryo and Boobie: GOODMORNING SIR!!!
Dan: Get your hands down! Do not salute me! Their are goddamn snipers all around this area who would love to greece an officer!!!

::The Vietnamese Snipers starred through their scopes at Bakini Girls asses in Cancun, Mexico::

Sniper: This beats the hell out of that fucking war!
2nd Sniper: Fuck yeah!

::Dan looked at Boobie's Chest::

Dan: What's wrong with your chest?
Boobie: I was born with big boobs sir.
Dan: Well you better tuck that in. You don't want any of those horny Viatnamese Soldiers mistakening you for a woman.
Narrator: I felt real lucky he was my leautenant. He was from a long, great military tradition: someone in his family were bent over and molested by an opposing soldier in every single American War. I guess you can say he had a lot of live up to.
::Dan bent over a table to get some food::
::A man stopped him and covered his ass-hole::

Man: BE CAREFUL LEAUTENANT!!!

"Vietnam Countryside"

::Ryo and Boobie walked with the soldiers and Dan::

Narrator: I got to see a lot of the countryside. We sometimes would take these real long walks and encounter a Pizza Hut Stall or a McDonalds on the way too. The soldiers got hungry a lot. Leautenant Dan was always gettin' these funny feelings everytime a soldier or a farmsmen looked at his ass the wrong way so he'd tell us to, "Get down! Cover your ass-holes!"

Dan: GET DOWN!!! COVER YOUR ASS-HOLES!!!

::The soldiers cleared to the side of the path and kneeled down::

Narrator: So we did. I got a good glymspe of his triple layered pants too. The good thing about war is there was always something to do!

::Ryo stood next to a hole::
::It was blown open by a rocket::
::Ryo got down in the hole to check it::
::Hitler sat in there::

Hitler: SHHHHH!!!!
Ryo-san: I thought you were dead??!?!
Hitler: Please don't tell anyone im in here! There's this dickhead named Osama Bin Laden that'll give the world problems later on. If you let me go, I'll send some of my men to poison his Gerber Baby Food.
Ryo-san: DEAL!
Narrator: One day, we were walking down this path, and then all these fireworks just started going off.

::Everyone around Ryo were getting shot::
::Ryo took his gun and hide behind a hill::
::Explosions went off everywhere::

Dan: WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!!!

::Ryo fled off into the woods::

Boobie: RYO!!! RYO WAIT UP!!! I need you to give me a Piggy Back Ride!!
Ryo-san: OK!!!
::Ryo gave Boobie a Piggy Back Ride until he ran so far, Boobie slipped off somewhere::

Narrator: I ran so far and so fast, I realized that Boobie had slipped off. Pretty soon, I was all by myself which was a bad thing.

Ryo-san: BOOBIE!!!!!!
Bird: Yes, you have nice ones.
Ryo-san: I wasn't talking to you!

::Ryo ran back into the woods::

Narrator: Boobie was my best good friend I had to make sure he was ok.

::Soon Ryo spotted planes flying over the forest and dropping nukes::
::Ryo turned back and headed for the lake::

Ryo-san: FUCK BOOBIE!!!! IM RUNNING!!!!

::He encountered a a huge Weed Plant on his run back to the lake::
::He stuffed as much as he could in his pockets and continued running::
::He grabbed as many survivors as he could on his run back::
::Soon, he caught Dan having Phone Sex while laying on the ground::
::Dan had his hands in his pants with both of his legs blown off::
::Ryo picked him up and ran::

Dan: Leave me! LEAVE ME!! I wanna have some enjoyment before I die!!!

::Ryo was now carrying about eight people on his back::
::He dropped them all off near the lake::
::An alligator popped up and started eating some of the men::

Ryo-san: BACK!!! GET BACK!!!

"Shrimping Boat"

Narrator: Bobbie died, so I ended up taking over the Shrimping Buisness for him!

::Ryo drove a Shrimping Boat::
::He brought up a Shrimping Net out of the water to see what shrimp he caught::
::He found a dead body, Jack Sparrow's Treasure Map, a sign that shouted," OJ DID IT!!!!", and a bomb::
::...wait! A BOMB?!?!?

Ryo-san: ABANDON SHIP!!!!

::Ryo jumped off the ship::
::The ship exploded::Ryo later talked to the man who sold him the ship::

Man: Hey! You ever think abut naming your boat? It's bad luck to have a boat without a name!
Narrator: I'd never named a boat before, or anything for that matter. Well, except my Index Finger. I named it Stinky. That's because I used to wake up every night and it smelled like ass. And the funny thing was, I dreamt about having sex those nights too. Oh well. I named my boat the most beautiful name in the whole wide world.

::Ryo named it "The Hooker Express"::

::One day Ryo was driving his boat when he saw Leautenant Dan in his wheelchair on a dock::
::Ryo jumped off the boat and swam up to him::

Ryo-san: Leautenant Dan!!! How have you been?!?!?
Dan: How have you been?
Ryo-san: Good!

::Dan spotted a boat behind Ryo full of partying hookers in bakini's with beer in their hands::

Ryo-san: That's my boat.
Dan: Can I be your first mate?

::Later on that night, a storm raged. Dan sat up on the boat and shouted like a beast::

Dan: YOU CALL THIS A STORM!!!!!! THIS IS A SHOWDOWN!!! JUST YOU AND ME GOD!!!!! COME AND GET ME!!! WOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE THIS BOAT!!! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME!!!

::Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down from the sky and struck him::

Dan: AHHHHHHHHH FUCK!!!!!!

::The next day, Leautenant Dan sat near the railing of the boat::

Dan: Ryo, I never thanked you for saving my life.

::Dan tryed to get up in the railing of the ship, but fell::
::He tryed again, but fell::

Ryo-san: OH FUCK IT!!!

::Ryo picked up Dan's Legless Body and tossed him off the boat::
::Dan began swimming away, towards the beautiful sunset::

Narrator: He never actually said so, but I think he finally made his piece with God.

::A hook suddenly got caught in Dan's back::
Dan: OWCH!!! GODDAMNIT!!!!
God: That bitch didn't make no piece with me after saying that shit!!!

::The fisherman reeled Dan in::
::A shark popped out of the water and ate Dan whole::

Ryo-san: Bye Leautenant Dan! I'LL MISS YOU!!!
Narrator: One day, outta the blue, clear sky, I got a letter from Nozomi wondering if I could come down to Okinawa and see her...

"Bench in Okinawa. 2005"

Ryo-san:... and that's what im doing here. Im suppose to get on the Number 69 Bus to Akie Street, get off there. Walk several blocks to the Sema's Station, get on the Number 420 Bus and go about a mile around Henen and then get off there. Ride Bus 81 back to Akie Street, get off there. Walk about five miles and get on Number 45 Bus then im there. Apartment 000 in the Konner Apartments.
Lady: Why! You don't need to take a bus! Konner Apartments is right across the street!

::There was a big sign that intitled "KONNER'S APARTMENTS" right across the street::

Ryo-san: THERE IT IS!!!

::The lady slapped him::

Lady: COULD YA BE ANY DUMBER YA DUMBASS!!!!
Ryo-san: It was nice talking to you!

::Ryo fled across the street and was hit by a car::
::Bill Clinton sat in the car with his head leaned back::

Bill Clinton: What was that?!?!?

::Monica Lewinski got up from sucking his dick::

Monica Lewinski: I didn't see anything!
Bill Clinton: Well keep sucking then bitch!

"Nozomi's Room"

::Ryo knocked on the door::
::Nozomi answered::

Nozomi: RYO!?!? HOW ARE YOU DOING???!?! COME IN! COME IN!

::Ryo walked in::Nozomi ran in and cleared all the leather whips and condoms of the table::
::A man came out in a leather, black outfit::

Man: HEY HOE! Where's the bathroom?!?!
Nozomi: Oh Ryo! This is Zed! He's my Cleaner Man!!!!
Man: No im not! I payed for you to give me-

::Nozomi shielded his mouth::
::She tossed him back in the room filled with about eight other guys the same way who stumbled around drunk with a Disco Ball on the ceiling::

::Ryo handed Nozomi the box of chocolates::

Nozomi: Thanks Ryo!

::She opened it and loads of white powder launched into her face::

Ryo-san: ANTHRAX!!!!! HAHAHAAH!!!!
::A woman knocked on the door::
::Nozomi answered and picked up a kid::

Woman: So how's buisness?
Nozomi: Oh you know, same as usual, laying back and taking it deep.

::Nozomi walked up to Ryo with the kid::

Nozomi: This is my good friend Ryo Hazuki.
Kid: Hello Mr. Hazuki. You like like an elf. Your ears are pointy and your nose-
Nozomi: BITCH!!!! DID I TELL YOU TO CRITICIZE HIM!?!?!?!

::Nozomi took a glass vase and smashed it upside the kids head::
::The kid cryed::

Nozomi: Now go watch some TV you whiny BITCH!!!!
Ryo-san: Your a momma Nozomi!!!
Nozomi: Im a momma! His names Setow-san, after his father.
Ryo-san: LIKE ME!
Nozomi: No, your Ryo.
Ryo-san: GODDAMNIT!!!

::Setow-san came out of the room::

Setow: That's right! Im the fucking father!!! I banged that hoe like a Salvation Army Drum!!!
Nozomi: SETOW-SAN!!! DO YOU MIND?!?!?
Setow: Sorry...
Ryo-san: Can I go talk to that kid?
Nozomi: Sure!
::Ryo walked over to Setow-san Jr. and sat down next to him::

Ryo-san: What'cha watchin'?
Setow-san Jr: Bert and Erny.
Ryo-san: That shit sucks!!!! Wanna watch something cool!

::Ryo turned on Baywatch::

Ryo-san: That chiks hott! Isn't she?!?!? I'd have a private boat ride with her anyday!
Setow-san Jr: Hell yeah! BAYWATCH IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!

"Okinawa Park"

::Setow-san Jr. swung on the swings while Ryo and Nozomi talked on a bench::
::A whole bunch of men in black outfits ran over to Setow-san and punched him in his stomach, shielding his mouth and throwing him against a tree. Than they tossed him in the back of their van and drove off without Ryo or Nozomi noticing::

Nozomi: Ryo, im sick.
Ryo-san: Hey! As long as your good in bed that's fine with me!
Nozomi: It's some sort of virus and the doctors don't know what it is and they can't do anything about it.
Ryo-san: Well... you can come live with me Nozomi. You and little Setow-san.
Nozomi: Ahhh... he was kidnapped. The little runt deserved it anyways.
Ryo-san: I'll take care of you if your sick.
Nozomi: Will you marry me Ryo?
Ryo-san: Wait! Where is this virus?
Nozomi: Somewhere near my vagina area.
Ryo-san: You let them feel down there?!?!
Nozomi: They were doing tests Ryo!
Ryo-san: Oh... well is your vagina still fuckable?
Nozomi: I don't think so.

::Ryo punched her in the face::

Ryo-san: I aint marrying you! You diseased little hoe! Get the fuck out of here!
Nozomi: HA! APRIL FOOLS!!!
Ryo-san: It's October.
Nozomi: Well! Why do you gotta be so smart all the time!
Ryo-san: Ummmm...

::Nozomi hit him in the balls::

Nozomi: Im kidding! HAHAHAHA!
Ryo-san: Well are we going to get married or not?!?!?
Nozomi: Of course! Ryo-san: Well then let's go!

::Nozomi turned towards the camera::

Nozomi: I really do have a disease. Muahahahah!