A/N Massively apologies of the lateness of any updates. We have had lots of personal struggles here. Not even sure if I should be still writing now or if this is any good based on real life circumstances. Been dealing with major financial struggles to the point of depression with not finding work or ability to feed our kids well. Death in the family, both my parents have been sick and my daughter facing alot of hard times and it hurts to watch her hurting. Plus overwhelming bills and Wi-Fi issues too preventing me from uploading too. So I have been doing my best in being a support for my husband and doing what I can to keep looking for work and just getting out of bed.
Have not been up to reading or replying to personal messages in awhile but still pushed myself to review for the amazing authors on here that I could. Been slightly active on my facebook but thats about it.
I have been working on a deeper story these last few weeks just to sooth the depression. Just a dream version of meeting Roman, something that will never happen for a regular fan girl meeting him at a WWE meet and greet. But I might not post it because it is like a broken Joe and broken fan type scenario so I am not sure about it. Not even sure how believable it is. It's just helped me survive feeling so helpless in my own reality right now praying for real miracles in life.
Everything has just been too hard so I've resisted posting this long. And also why I am not sure about the fan girl story too because I can't handle anything it seems like and feel too dang emotionally weak being the one trying to keep lifting everyone else up lately.
Previously on BWTD
Roman was silent and I had no idea what to say to everything I just heard. He wrapped the blanket around both of us more. "Sara that was the worst of the worst that I have ever been through. Please tell me what you are thinking."
"I'm thinking that I can't live like that Roman. I can't be home like Jey and go crazy not knowing where you are for days or weeks or months. I can't do it." I felt my chin quivering and more tears slipping down my face.
"That kind of life would break me to pieces Roman. Just knowing they want to put you back in another prison is already scaring me so much." I started crying right then and just held him tighter. "I love you so much but I just can't lose you. I can't ..."
"Be home?" I heard him say and I realized I was projecting my fantasized future again.
"I mean…" But he put his finger to my lips.
"You...would be home...waiting for me?" His voice cracked with emotion as he spoke, his gray eyes deeply seeking mine.
I opened my mouth again to reply.
"What if I left the CIA...for good? For you...for us? So that you can be home...my home and you could know that every night I was coming back to you? No danger, ever again." His expression was pleading, aching and desperate. "I need you Sara. I don't love lightly and I want it be forever."
My mouth just fell open in shock of what he said.
Forever.
Could we actually get to something like that? Leave the CIA and all the danger behind?
Sara's POV
It felt like he was asking me to marry him! Oh my God. Was that what what I was hearing?
I grabbed his head in my hands, my fingers tucking in and out of the black silky strands. "Roman what are you saying?" I felt like I couldn't breath, like all the air had been sucked out of the large cave. My thoughts were spinning like I was on a super speed carousel.
"We don't even know what will happen tomorrow. How can we think of forever?" I gasped out.
"No one knows what will happen tomorrow Sara. None of us do," he argued back, pulling me closer in his lap. His jeans rubbed against my bare thighs as I was still only wearing his black button down over my underwear. We had been talking and sharing since we woke up and I felt him cup my hips and pull me in closer against him as his eyes were seeking mine, like he was daring to see if he should keep pursing this level of depth with me right now.
I was in shock at where this conversation had gone. He had just been so emotional in sharing about the deaths of his best friends, their literal murders in front of his eyes. And now he was begging me he would leave the CIA for me and wanted to run away from everything? "We don't know how to get off the island, or if you will be granted immunity, or if the guys you are chasing that crashed us here will ever be gone. I want you, I do so much Roman. But this sounds crazy!"
"What is crazy? That I love you? That I want to be yours forever? That I am trying to ask you to marry me, no matter what insanity is right ahead of us to face? That I want to have a family with you and little brunette and brown eyed beauties and dark handsome black haired, gray eyed boys running around? That is what I want Sara!" He had grabbed me by my arms and almost shook me in his insistence.
I started grinning. "I'm pretty sure you can't pick which child gets your hair or mine or your amazing eyes or any of that."
He rolled his eyes at me and I knew that I was just avoiding his question. He had just asked a bunch of questions and the future was so unsure but I knew what he wanted.
"I don't care if our children have yellow eyes and purple hair," he said exasperated and I could not help giggling.
"I want that with you. Do you want forever with me?" Those gray eyes were wide, waiting like I held his very life in the palm of my hand. That I could alter his whole reality in this moment.
Wow! Shy little Sara Jordan who lost her whole family just got the cutest marriage proposal from one of the world's most wanted men, that was undercover for the CIA! I felt like I was dreaming.
"Damn it Sara, I will tackle and tickle you again..." He was glaring now and he was so fricking cute when he was mad.
"Yes! Roman, I will marry you!" I threw myself in his arms and hugged him fiercely. I heard him suck in a breath and I tried to pull back knowing I was hurting him.
"No way Beauty. I don't care how much it hurts, I am never letting you go again." He was adamant and I lifted my head and gazed deeply in his eyes. He slid his hands up to my neck, crashing his lips to mine.
"Never." More kisses. "Letting." More kisses. "You." More kisses. "Go."
I got lost in his kisses, disappearing away from all the fear and danger and stayed right there with him then. His hands were cradling my face as his mouth delved deeper into mine. I could feel the joy flowing from him at my answer.
It all felt so crazy. But when had doing things slowly or carefully worked for me? It had led me to watch my fiancé die in the fiery plane crash with my family. That was what slow and careful Sara had gotten.
This Sara was wildly and madly in love with the man holding her so tight in his arms. This Sara wanted to forget anything and everyone that hurt her before this moment.
I pulled back and stared at my precious Roman and giggled again. "That was the strangest way I think I have heard anyone ever propose marriage, movies included."
He laughed back at me and smirked. "Then you have a very unique story to add to the whole prisoner doctor theme we tell our kids about."
I was beaming back at him remembering being so shy about that very thing just the night before. Now I was in awe of the idea of our kids knowing our story of how we met like this."
Everything was perfect. Romantic setting, soft lighting, rushing waterfall, and sparkling, glistening pretend stars above our heads.
But reality came creeping back in, shattering perfection by the way of my stomach rumbling loudly! I wanted to curl up and disappear I was so embarrassed. I had not even realized I was hungry.
"Oh shoot Baby girl, I am so sorry." He moved to get up and opened the bag he brought again and pulled out two oranges and passed me one. "I've been a horrible boyfriend...I mean fiancé. Oh wow, it feels like I am dreaming." And he forgot the rest of what he was saying.
"Um, Randy said Bec picked small oranges and these weird little mini bananas." He made a face at me and I just loved how he was taking care of me. "And these look edible too but I'm not sure what they are. They look like little pineapples. Maybe we will find really short people living on this island with all the tiny fruit! And we really should eat and go because I promised Randy we would hike up through the valley today to see if we can get the satt phone to work. You can come. We should hurry."
He was rambling and I could not contain my grin it was so cute. I never pictured such a strong man being all tongue tied from proposing to me. He was positively glowing.
I laughed and caught the pieces of fruit as he tossed them to me; the pineapples were the size of a baseball, the bananas in cute little bunches and the oranges looked almost like tangerines.
Roman walked back over after and handed me a bottle of water. We ate in comfortable silence and I was glad for something to fill my stomach that was damn full of butterflies both from just getting engaged and my anxiety about the future. I had been so nervous about flying too that I had barely eaten anything the whole day before the flight too. Not ready to say goodbye to him at all either knowing he was leaving me to be trapped in the Middle Eastern prison.
The fruit was delicious and so so sweet just like my Roman that I saw was beaming at me right now.
"And for the lady...I know women can never have enough chocolate." He smiled at me and pulled out two chocolate covered granola bars. "I snagged these from the plane when Miz was offering me food before the crash and they are all yours."
"Thank you Rome. This is perfect." I climbed into his lap again, my favorite way to be close to him and he leaned against the large rock wall at the back of the mossy area as he slurped up the last of the pineapple from the rind he had managed to break apart. His lips were covered in the sweet pineapple juice and I dove in to suck it off him. "Mmm even better."
He grinned at me, his gray eyes gleaming in the reflected water of the dark pool beside us and popped the last bite of pineapple in his mouth and stuck it back out at me. "Share?" he mumbled and I saw the juice from the piece of fruit start dripping down his chin.
I nodded, my tongue flat against his chin lapping up the juice before I bit the piece in half. He was beaming happily and let out a little moan as I devoured his mouth, my hands cupping his face and holding him tight to me as we kissed and slurped up the sweetness.
More juice was dripping from my mouth and Roman's eyes twinkled at the path the shiny yellow liquid was heading right down off my chin to fall to the swell of my breasts. I gasped audibly as I felt his fingers gently part the fabric of his shirt I had on before his mouth was hot on the skin of my chest, sucking the liquid between his lips.
"Best breakfast ever," he murmured against my skin and I could not contain the moan as my hands dug into his hair. I pulled his head back up to my lips and kissed him deeply, just reveling in all the feelings.
"Mmm very much so. Save some for later and I would love to lick it off you more too," I smirked at him.
Oooh I could see my sweet man liked the sound of that and his gorgeous eyes were shining at that thought. We could definitely do that and have more fun later.
"Later? Not now? Not even a little bit more?" Roman pouted and I laughed at his bottom lip's adorable pout.
Sucking it in my mouth he moaned and grinded his jean clad hips against me more as he palmed my ass more. I pulled my head back already breathing heavier. "You were the one saying we needed to leave and reach Jey and give Dean the serum," I reminded him as his kisses started going down the middle of my chest between the folds of his shirt.
Roman mumbled against my skin. "When did I say we were in a rush at all? I wanna celebrate being engaged Baby girl..."
And he dumped me back down on the soft mossy like space on top of the blanket and dove for my lips again. I giggled again and squealed happily at him running his hands up the inside of his shirt I was wearing, slowly popping the buttons open from the inside, till it lay open and at my sides.
Roman lifted his head and looked down at me panting slightly, his hair falling all down his shoulders. "Don't worry. We don't have to go any further than you want Beauty. I'm just going to start..." And he dropped his head to my throat, "by kissing all over the body of the woman that just agreed to be my wife...and you can stop me whenever you want..."
Pulling his head back up he looked hungrily back at me. I ran my fingers down his cheek and gazed deeply in his eyes. "I love you so much Rome, so much."
And he smiled and echoed it back with teary eyes, before kissing down my neck to lick and suck at my throat and slowly move his kisses lower. My heart was racing, my body eager for everything he was offering. He pulled his head up from my neck and lifted my hand in his. "We are going to start nice and slow here and you and going to lead the way." Roman started kissing the tips of my fingers one by one and licked at each one, pulling the digit in his mouth as his eyes were locked on mine.
"Mmm, nice and slow...fresh bright new day," he mumbled against my skin as he licked up the top of my hand and then down the inside of my wrist. My breath was nearly caught in my throat as I watched him gently pull the sleeve of the shirt off that arm before cradling my palm in his hand again and kissed it softly before focusing higher up and lifting my hand to reach further.
His tongue was flat against the back of my arm all the way till my elbow and up to my shoulder. "Taste so sweet..mmm sweet." He said again and then paused.
I watched him look like he was thinking and lifted my hand in his, to his cheek. "Roman, what?" I was already feeling so relaxed and enjoying every touch.
His lips curled at the corners and he moved back to the bag and brought out the smaller bag with half a pineapple in it. "I know we said we would wait till later but I think this would be a great way to explore you more...if you are interested? Taste more?"
Ooh the hungry gleam in his eyes at me was downright delicious. I trusted him like he said, that I could say no whenever I wanted to. That this was all my choice and nodded back at him. He was grinning now as he helped me all the way out of the other sleeve to lay the shirt under me on the mossy bed. I watched him squeeze just a bit of the juice from the piece of the pineapple and it dripped around my lips. I opened fast catching the drops and he crashed his lips on mine, sucking up the juice and lapping at my chin to catch any stray drops.
Roman moaned against my mouth and cupped the back of my head with his one palm, drawing me in more to hold me to his lips. He still held the pineapple in his other hand. The juices were running all over his fingers already and I lifted my head to pull his hand to my tongue licking at yellow liquid on his skin as he held the fruit somewhat shaky in his palm.
He trailed more juice down my neck next I could feel and he must of laid the piece down because suddenly both his hands were cradling my sides as he licked and sucked a path down the swells of my breasts just above my thin white bra. He moved all the way to the other side and lifted my hand and dripped juice in that palm before suckling it up in his mouth.
"Mmm, so good Beauty." I saw his head come up, his hair falling all over by his face and he licked at his own lips. "Pineapple is my new favorite fruit...Now I will never be able to think of it without thinking of licking it off you."
I blushed again and loved his sexy lower voice. Smoothing his hair from his eyes I couldn't not get enough of watching him like this. It felt amazing. I felt amazing, so relaxed and at peace. He was going so slowly and watching me carefully and I was okay. This was good. I felt safe and loved and not scared or anything.
Roman sat up more at my side as he licked a path down my arm, catching more juice on his tongue again all the way up to my elbow and then back up to my hand to the tips of my fingers again. He pulled each one between his lips, one by one and swirled them in his mouth and I groan out as my hips shifted.
I saw him grin as he watched me. "You still good sweetheart? This isn't too far?" I was shaking my head and smiling at him and basking at the attention and tenderness. He moved lower and started dripping the pineapple juice along my bare leg. Just one but all the way by my ankle and the top of my foot and he bent down on his knees and licked at the juice before it rolled off onto the blanket.
His eyes were still steady on mine, those heavy gray tones so deep, so intense in their gaze. Gently he moved my leg to fold up so the knee was up and his warm lips kissed the skin there before he dripped more juice along the sides. Roman smiled more as he bent his whole torso over my one leg, rubbing the skin between his fingers and licking along the sides of my calf on first one side and then the other as he hummed and it tickled the aroused flesh.
"Oooh you taste salty too, like the water from the pool and so sweet Beauty..." he was whispering against my thigh now and licked higher and higher. I could feel my heart racing more as that oh so heavenly tongue got closer to where I knew he wanted to play.
I watched him lay that leg down as he popped the nearly drained piece of fruit in his mouth. Roman bent his head then and kissed me more, teasing me with the piece and offering to share it again. I bit a part of it off and pulled his lips harder to mine after swallowing the pineapple and kissed him more deeply.
Pulling back he gazing lovingly in my eyes before quickly scooting around to my other side, moving back down to my other leg, repeating the actions with the first one with a new piece of pineapple. He licked a long path up from my ankle to my knee while sitting up beside me, one leg crossed under him and one forward. Then he moved more forward to drip juice along my thigh and toward my hip. I was trembling all over and I knew he could see it. My skin was flushed and goose bumped, seeming to come alive at barely a breath from his mouth over me.
His eyes found mine again and even without words I knew his question. I nodded slowly. Still good. Nothing he had done had triggered anything bad or anything that reminded me of losing him or all the hell that happened to us.
Roman smiled and lifted the pineapple to drizzle juice all over my stomach and he laughed as I was watching his hand shaking trying to hold it high up above us but still see if the drops could land in my belly button. I laughed too but that made them slip out and start running in trails all down my stomach.
He dropped the fruit and dove toward my belly, lapping up the juices and trying to catch every trail before it disappeared under my body. We were both laughing and he tilted me up to find any more juice, licking at my hips on both sides. Sucking and cradling me closer, his one hand so warm as his lips made me feel like pure fire by his touch.
"Oh God so good Roman," I moaned and pulled his hair back so I could still keep seeing his beautiful eyes as he licked at my skin. His mouth was like magic all over my belly, right to the lace of my underwear when I felt him freeze there, not sure what to do.
He had juice sliding down his other hand from holding the pineapple too long likely and a few more drops slipped from the tip of his finger to drip on the lace of my panties. Just a few drops in a line all the way up the middle of the inside of my underwear as he gently tugged my legs more open.
Roman looked back at me and licked his lips making me shiver under him at the effect he had on me from just the look in his eyes alone. If he had been silently asking for more permission I had no idea. I felt caught in a trance right then as his eyes darkened and his head slowly lowered.
I felt his mouth on the top of the lace and the slow gentle sucking sensation made me clench up and arch into his hands that slid under my hips effortlessly. He held me up in his hands against his mouth and I whimpered nearly soundlessly as my head fell back before pulling my gaze up. I wanted to see him. I needed to see him.
Even through the thin fabric, the warmth of his mouth felt incredible, pulling at my so so sensitive skin.
"Mmm, so fucking sweet," he breathed as his eyes came up. "Just like I remember..."
I melted at those words...that he remembered.
I had waited for weeks scared that he would never remember. And even then had been counting down knowing the warden announced that his whole team was being shipped back across the ocean as soon as they could arrange transport. So I had thought time had stolen everything from us. It still could, everything was still so scary.
He moved higher like he was determined to set more of me on fire all at once here and kissed a path up my stomach to my chest, licking between my breasts. God everything felt so good. I rubbed my hips against his from under him and whimpered feeling his jeans rough against my skin.
Again little Sara Jordan felt brave even a little bit from feeling so loved and wanted and engaged right now to such an incredible man. I wanted to please him too, like he was doing to me. I wanted to show him I could or I at least wanted to try.
I felt him laying his head on my chest, that silky hair like a blanket down my naked side as I rubbed him just ever so gently through his jeans.
My beautiful man moaned against my breast, tilting us sideways a bit so he could play in my hair with his fingers as I watched his eyes roll back. His look of pure bliss in my arms was the most amazing I had ever seen him. Before in the prison with the ambulance sirens blaring we were in such a rush and in near darkness. Even on the plane too everything had been so fast with all the intensity, hunger and literal ache for him building up for weeks before then.
Now I could see his expressions so so clearly and everything felt like it could be happening in slow motion. I had even told him that night in the staff room, as I knelt nearly naked in his lap that I had wanted to please him but he said that night had been for me.
He pulled his eyes open and I saw him nodding slightly at me. I hadn't asked for anything and had still been rubbing him feeling him get more and more aroused at my touch, even through the denim. He felt so good, and I could feel his hips shifting as his hands squeezed my sides and arms, sliding the bra straps down.
Leaning over me, I felt his breath in my ear as his teeth scrapped at my skin there. My fingers were on his button, ready to pop it open. "Go ahead, do it..." he rasped out, sounding so damn sexy.
Roman massaged my breast in his palm through my thin white bra before sliding the cup over and teasing the more than aching nipple with his tongue. I felt his palm on my other breast as he teased me there too.
I held his head to me and started feeling overwhelmed with feelings. But not just feelings, flashbacks and triggers and fears too. Things I hadn't told him. Things I tried to block out and hide and things I didn't want to face at all. Things that were triggered by what he said...how he said it...The last person that said it exactly like that.
I pulled him closer, tighter against my chest and before I knew it I had started crying and hadn't meant to. I wanted to let him kiss me all over. I wanted to get lost in his touch and his kisses and drown in everything he said and the bliss of being engaged.
Instead I just started crying and held his head to my breast. I cried into his hair and started getting more choked up on my sobs in my throat. "I can't..." I started to say.
Roman pulled his head back up off me and covered me quick. I was shaking my head fast realizing how what I said sounded. I reached back for him, my fingers clinging to his hair. I was desperate to not lose the closeness and he let me pull him back against me. I felt his hands rubbing back and forth on my sides, gently and slowly.
"Oh shoot, too far?" I heard him whisper against my chest. "Damn it I should have been asking you again it you were okay. I said we were going to stay taking this slow and careful for you. I am so sorry."
I sniffled and swallowed more tears, shutting my eyes. I breathed him in, kissing the top of his head. "I'm sorry... I love you so much..." I sobbed and I felt him curl his arms around me and pull me up in his lap and rock me in his arms.
Roman was shushing me and holding me so close as I buried my head against his throat. "Talk to me, Baby girl. Get it out."
I looked up in his eyes and sucked in a deep breath.
Sniffling I stared hard in his eyes and had tears streaming. "Hearing that story was heartbreaking, what you have been through. I need to know you are safe. I am so scared, here on this island and with so many prisoners all around us. So much danger. It sounds crazy but the second it was more intimate I started flashing back to the prison too and then watching them rip you away from me."
Well part of that was true. I was so scared to tell him the rest.
Roman's face fell and he dropped his forehead to mine as he kept rocking me in his arms. "Oh sweetheart you are scared that is a trigger or that you can't handle being closer?"
I nodded and he kissed me softly. "I think both. I already feel so close to you and it would destroy me more to be even closer and lose you Rome. I don't have anyone anymore. I want to share all of my story with you too and I want you to make love to me so badly and protect me and shield me from everything. Everything just feels so scary."
He held me tight and kissed my head. "I know you are still holding onto such a deep pain Beauty. I know it will feel easier to let me help you carry it but you have to be ready and I won't push you, for anything I promise. But you have me Beauty...you have me. Believe that. Hold onto that."
Oh God he had no idea how deep, how bad. I think my brain blocked it out. It wasn't just things with my parents or my past. There was more...
Roman kissed my face all over before clearing his throat. "Sara look at me. We are going to talk to Jey and he was already pursuing immunity for me and Dean for our testimony before the crash. He will do everything he can. I will do everything I can to fight any charges. I fucking promise you that."
Hugging me even closer I heard him sigh. "I want to give you all the assurance you need to know its safe to be as vulnerable and open and safe to trust that I will not get taken away from you again. So let's wait to talk to Jey later and just let me hold you k? I would love nothing more than to hold my amazing fiancé for awhile and make sure she feels as safe as she possibly can in my arms right here. That is all I could dream of."
I nodded and smiled up at him through my tears and he leaned back over me to kiss them away more before dipping down to capture my lips again. Then he wrapped me so tight in his warm embrace and I sunk in against his bare chest. I fell back asleep listening to his hearts soothing rhythm by my ear, as my hands wound around his waist and ran my hands along his sides.
We needed to get to the other side of my fear, and I knew our forever could really be amazing.
Talking could wait a little longer. Right now I could rest in his arms and his strength and hide from everything I didn't want to face.