Hatter leaned back in the uncomfortable metal chair and grinned charmingly at the two detectives. The detectives scowled at him.
"Lovely place, you've got 'ere. The way the overhead flickers making the shadows that much more ominous, the grimy walls coated in a disagreeable yellowy tinged off-white paint with an unhealthy growth of mold," he said cheerily.
The Hatter saw two cops. One was a large male with a broad featured face with arching eyebrows, military regulation hair, and a scruffy chin; he wore a very nice dark suit and an unimaginative tie. His name was Detective Robert 'Bobby' Goren and his hazel eyes saw a lot. Calmly, he took a seat.
His partner, Alex Eames, was small, slender women with darkish honey hair that fell in layers to her shoulders. She had green eyes and a deceptively soft appearance. She wore a dun colored pants suit paired with heels and a teal top.
She dropped down next to her partner with a small huff.
The Hatter smiled even wider if possible. This was going to be fun. He continued to prattle, "I especially like how if you tilt your head just so, that largish stain in the corner there? It looks just like a jabberwok eating a mincemeat pie."
"Do you know why you are here, Mr. Write?" Eames asked. She was an old pro at interrogating suspects. But, there was just something about this exuberant little man that made her uneasy.
Like he was going to start making balloon animals or do a soft shoe number or sing
'Jail House Rock.'
"You, being coppers, are going to interrogate me. I'm guessing you think that because myself and my magnificent Alice where caught hovering o'er that poor bloke who got his head separated from the rest of his person, we had something to do with his untimely demise." The Hatter replied.
"That's…that's certainly a possibility that we're pursuing," Goren said. He evaluated the strange young man. And 'young man' was something of a misnomer. He looked like he'd been a young man for a long time.
Then there was the, ah…eccentric fashion sense. A well cut, two button suit, the trousers and opened jacket a dark amethyst. A milk white shirt with a stiff color paired with a darker purple and amethyst striped vest with five silver buttons. The tie was blue and purple silk with artistic swirls of black and gray in a half Windsor knot.
The handkerchief that peaked out of his pocket was a bright green.
And the top hat. You couldn't forget the dark amethyst silk top hat. That perched proudly on the top of his disheveled head at a jaunty angle.
Who had let him keep it? Goren kinda wanted to find out what would happen if he pushed of the suspect's head.
Or maybe not. For all his joviality, the suspect wasn't what you'd call tame and Goren didn't want to lose an arm.
All in all, the entire outfit seemed to indicate two possibilities. One, this was a dandy who liked attention. Two, this was someone so secure in himself that he really didn't give a rat's ass about what other people thought about him.
Or just maybe, all of the above?
"Mr. Write, could you please tell us what happened tonight?" Eames asked quirking a brow at her unusually quiet partner. Goren appeared to be moving his lip like a child trying to work out a particularly difficult math problem.
"For you, Detective Eames of the exquisite eyes? Delightedly," announced the Hatter.
Eames, who hated it when suspects flirted with her, blushed.
Goren frowned.
"I shall begin at the beginning, go to the end. And then stop…"
Earlier that evening…
The Hatter blinked at the dizzying rainbow array of flowers. Tonight, was the night he would finally charm Alice's mum. Carol, while she didn't go out of her way to make her disapproval known, had a way of flaying him alive with the occasional offhand comments. Okay, that was a bit of exaggeration. But, sometimes Carol would say something about him that hurt Alice. It wasn't acceptable.
He certainly didn't blame Carol for her caution. Especially, now that he knew a bit more of Alice's history with men. Absently, he made a mental note to look some of the blokes up and have a conversation about how one treats a lady.
It was slow going. He'd gained Alice's trust. It had taken all he had and it was infinitely worth it. The Hatter suspected that Carol was like her daughter. You couldn't win her over with words, just deeds.
Not roses. The Hatter determined that right off. Roses were a Jack Heart move.
Orchids. That was the ticket! Elegant, understated, and demanding, just like the ladies he was giving them to. And he'd get live ones that they could keep.
For Carol, he picked a bamboo art deco pot that was filled to overflowing with tiny white blossoms with golden hearts called 'Winter's First Snow.'
And for Alice…it was a little more difficult. He'd been tempted with a pure white blossom but, the name, 'Precious Pearl's Butterfly Orchid,' had scared him off. Giving Alice pearls even the flowery variety would be creepy.
After much dithering, he picked 'Hawaiian Passion Orchids' in a simple green square pot. They were large, starry blossoms, in burgundy velvet.
He gave the delighted salesgirl a hundred dollar tip. He didn't tip the very rude cabbie with the unintelligible accent.
"The wind and the rain…" he sang Charlie's song as he sauntered to the apartment building.
The Hatter's instincts were honed by many years of living precariously perched between an insane absolute monarchy and a crazy resistance movement; therefore, he knew when he was being watched.
Also, the ring on his thumb was pinching in warning.
Fighting off an attacker while juggling two pots of delicate flowers wasn't easy but, it can be done.
The attacker was not prepared for someone who'd mastered Wonderland boxing at a young age.
To have any idea what Wonderland boxing is like one must picture an adolescent kangaroo on a sugar high who insists on throwing dynamite at your head.
The Hatter rolled his eyes, threw Alice's orchid up into the air, caught the falling blossoms with his hat and pulled back his fist…
His assailant whimpered.
"Not tonight, mate." The Hatter took down Alice's flowers and smiled, "I've got a hot date." He paused and sighed. "And her mother is coming."
The Hatter glanced down at his fallen adversary. Hmm. The blighter was nowhere to be found.
----
He paused at the door. He could hear Alice and Carol talking. Should he listen in? Yes!
Alice sounded aggrieved, "He's going to be here soon. Have you seen my earring?"
"The one you're holding in your hand?" Carol sounded amused.
"Um. Yeah. Thanks." A pause and some muted shuffling followed.
"Are you really going to wear those shoes?" Carol chuckled.
"I just put running shoes didn't I?" She sighed. "Where are my heels?"
The Hatter smiled and pushed the doorbell button with his nose.
Carol, elegant in green satin opened the door. "Hello, David…." She stared at the young man in the improbably colored suit. And hat. Mustn't forget the hat. Sometimes, she was convinced that Alice had hooked up with some child's stray, suddenly real, imaginary friend.
"Hi!" The Hatter looked from one pot of flowers to the other and handed her the larger one with a bow.
She smiled. Carol, now that she knew her daughters ex and currant boyfriends were from the same place (wherever that was?), wondered if, giving flowers to the girlfriend's mother was some kind of custom?
"Thank you, David. They're lovely," she smiled tentatively.
The Hatter removed his hat, "As are you."
Carol smiled at his sincerity, "You look very…nice?" In truth, he did look very nice. Just really colorful.
"Hatter!"
The Hatter never got tired of being greeted by an armful of happy Alice. And he never would. They kissed tenderly.
Carol cleared her throat.
Reluctantly, they pulled away from each other. The Hatter laughed at Alice's sudden shyness.
"You look like the first day of summer vacation," The Hatter told her. Diamonds peaked out from her long dark hair and she was wearing a satiny chiffon sheath thing with a delicately pleated bust and thin shoulder straps with flowery bits all in a muted golden rose that made her skin glow.
And it clung. To every delectable curve.
Alice rolled her eyes at the unusual complement and took her orchids.
----
Carol's expression was one of astonishment. Her daughter stuck out her thumb and a horse drawn carriage trotted up.
"Hello Howie," Alice said.
"Good evening, Miss. Alice." The driver said.
----
"You were attacked on your way to pick up your girlfriend and her mother?" Goren's forehead wrinkled.
"Mmmm. Yeah. That's what I said." The Hatter blinked innocently at the detectives.
They didn't buy it. This guy…this guy was guilty of something. Of what remained to be seen.
Eames cleared her throat, "And you didn't report it?"
"Naw," drawled the Hatter. "I was in a hurry an all."
"So, it wasn't important? Then why are you telling us now?" Eames wondered.
The Hatter shrugged, "Context. You wanted to know what happened tonight. So, I started at the beginning."
"Do you think that your attacker was anyway involved with the murder at the Harmonia Gardens?" Goren seemed to take a real interest in the 'jabberwok eating a mincemeat pie' stain.
"I suppose he might have been. But, then he could have been a run of the mill attack person," mused the Hatter thoughtfully.
Goren blinked, "You sound so nonchalant about it. Do you often get attacked?"
"Define often."
A different track…
Eames was tempted to sigh. A staring contest. Really?
Alice Hamilton stared unblinkingly at her partner. Her attractive features as cool…as a Vulcan's.
The detective mulled over the unsettling fact that she had seen the new Star Trek three times, once with her partner, one with her brother and once with her dad, and now she was likely to get the DVD for Christmas.
"So, your boyfriend says…" Goren began.
Alice broke into a sunny smile. The transformation was startling. Like the sun coming up from behind a cloud. "How much trouble is he giving you?"
Both detectives looked nonplussed at this cheerful question.
"Does he often give the police trouble?" Goren asked.
Alice chuckled, "He is the very definition of trouble," A thoughtful pause and then, "Just not…in a bad way."
"I see," Goren's head did an odd bobbing thing.
Alice leaned forward, "Detective, are you alright. You look like a bobble head doll." To the surprise of both detectives, she reached forward and patted his hand. "I know a good chiropractor who can help.
Robert Goren didn't know to respond to this sincerely meant concern. "No, thank you. I'm fine."
Eames took up the slack, "So, what happened tonight."
Alice fingered the sleeve of her dark blue velvet coat with milk white lace trim and smiled sardonically…
----
Carol was sitting across from her daughter and her boyfriend in the carriage. They were arguing. Somehow, the conversation had turned to physics. Chaos Theory, of all things.
Apparently, she'd been applying said theory to her relationship. The Hatter had gotten the idea that she thought he was filling her life with unnecessary problems.
Alice laughed. "Honey, I apply Chaos Theory to the majority of the things that happen to me. Its how I keep from going crazy."
The Hatter who was pouting looked at her from the corner of her eye and a faint upwards pull on the side of his mouth, "You've never called me honey, before."
Alice entwined her fingers with his, "Chaos Theory, in as few words as possible… chaos theory is really about finding the underlying order in apparently random data. No matter, how mad you seem, there's always a method to it."
"Your basic philosphy is a bunch of maths you only partway understand?" The Hatter's voice was filled with laughter.
"And lots of other things," Alice's voice lowered to a sultry purr.
"Lots of other things," murmmered the Hatter. And ardently kissed her fingers.
----
"Chaos Theory? To deal with your boyfriend?" Goren smiled. This was new.
Alice gave him an arch look, "You have met my boyfriend?"
The detective thought about the bewildering peacock and his persistant blathering, "Point."
----
The Harmonia Gardens had remodled to reflect the décor of a bygone era. They checked in their coats at the coatcheck. But, not the hat. The hat stays. The waiter leads them to a table.
Alice frowned. There is something off about the waiter. It isn't just that he looked like exactly like Tom Welling. And that he stands far to close. Or that he's possesivly looking over her curves. It's the almost reptillian movements...
They settle in and peruse the menues.
Carol is amazed. This is a very fancy, very expensive place. And David hasn't done anything strange. Still, she supposes she's being a little unfair. He's no more strange then Wolf or Giselle. And they're a lot to get used to.
And he makes Alice so happy…
"Have you decided then?" Clark Kent was back and she really doesn't like the way his eyes lingered on her.
From the way the Hatter's eyes narrowed and his nostrils flair, he doesn't like it either.
"Yes," Carol closed her menu and smiled. "I'll have the smoked squab with summer peas and peppermint."
The Hatter made a humming noise, "The Thai spiced duck breast with jasmine rice and grilled eggplant, short ribs braised in red wine paired with parsnip potato gratin and the lobster baked with basil butter, sweet corn, lemon spätzle and jalapeño." He smiled at the waiter, who was blinking at the rather large order.
"And for you, miss?" the waiter smiled charmingly at Alice.
Alice took the Hatter's hand and smiled charmingly back, "Oh, I'll just share with him."
The waiter frowned a little at the sight of their joined hands, then smiled a trifle too brightly, "And something from our wine list?"
The Hatter smugly tightened his grip on Alice's hand, "Something dark that smells like plums, roses and ginger and tastes like the second to last day of summer?"
The waiter blinks, "Right."
----
Dinner is pleasant and filled with conversation.
"And who's Charlie?" Carol asked sipping her wine. It was really good.
"He's David's grandfather," Alice said brightly.
The Hatter glared at her. She really should leave the lying to the professionals. He could just here Charlie's outrage. 'A knight related to that shiftless Harbinger? Poppycock!'
Alice nibbled at the duck and tried very hard to laugh at the Hatter's gob smacked expression. She like how mobile his face was; how, it could move from angry to confused to amused in just a minute.
A waitress appeared at Carol's shoulder. On her tray was a glass of white wine. "From the gentleman at the bar." Carol turned looked and blanched.
"Oh, no," let out a sound somewhere between a whimper and a laugh.
Alice's sat up and followed her mother's gaze to the bar. A tuxedoed man smirked at Carol. He was tall, a little heavy set and not to hard on the eyes.
"Who's that and why's he leering at you?" Alice's eyes hardened at her mother's panic.
The Hatter had felt Alice's protective instinct before. It sounded in his blood like the rattling of shields and sabers. His glare turned to the man at the bar as well.
"That's Jack Donaghy. The worst blind date of my life," Carol moaned. "And that's including the one with the world's most paranoid cop."
The Hatter wondered if this Jack was anything like Jack Heart.
Alice relaxed infinitesimally, "How bad was this date."
Carol snorted, "He's the Vice President of Television and Microwave Oven Programming for General Electric."
Her daughter made a gesture that Carol took to mean, 'more information.'
"He made me say his title over and over until I could recite it from memory. He talked shop continually. He kept trying to buy a small country over the phone." Carol was talking in a calm monotone. By the end of that evening she had so wanted to throttle the man. "He kept talking about his protégé and how much he hated her boyfriend."
Alice relaxed. A slow smiled scampered across her face.
The Hatter did like his alliterations.
"Don't worry, Mom. I'll take care of it," Alice slid out of her chair and wondered over to the bar.
----
"Jack Donaghy?" Alice asked handing him the wine he'd sent over.
"Yes," Donaghy raised an intrigued brow.
"Hi. I'm Alice. Carol's overprotective daughter." Her smile showed all her teeth.
Donaghy smiled, "Yes, the martial arts instructor. How nice to meet you?"
"Yeah. So, I was wondering? Are your intentions honorable?"
"…"
Alice began to tap a golden shod foot impatiently, "I'm waiting."
"No one's ever asked me that before," Donaghy said in wonder. "She must be a wonderful mother to raise so loyal a daughter," the words seemed forced out, as if it were a concept he was having trouble with. A pause followed by, "Not really, no."
She scowled at him. It was an impressive scowl.
"What will you do if I choose to press my suite?" Jack Donaghy wondered.
Alice leaned down, "Have you forgotten what I do for a living?"
Donaghy nodded his head, "I concede defeat. Give your mother my regards."
----
Alice sauntered back to the table with a palatable air of smugness, "Taken care of." She kissed her mother on the cheek.
"Do I want to know what you said to him?"
"Nope."
Alice held out a hand to the Hatter, "May I have this dance?"
David kissed her wrist, "I thought you'd never ask."
----
Arm in arm they walked to the dance floor pausing only to listen into a disturbing wedding proposal.
"You're blackmailing me?" a pretty dark haired girl asked her dinner companion in a shrill shriek.
He was a good looking young man with a lazy smile, "Yeah. I really am." He sipped his scotch. "You are going to marry me. Or those incriminating photos, that you are so concerned about, are coming out."
"You can't do this!"
"Oh, but I can," he smiled. "You are the love of my life. And whether or not you want to admit it, I'm the love of yours. Any little trysts we may have had really don't matter." He smiled at the girl's sputtering anger.
"You are a bastard," the girl hissed.
The young man shrugged, "And you are a scheming, manipulative bitch. And I love that about you. So, what's it going to be?" He held out a black velvet box.
The girl's lips curved into a half smile, "You'd go to all this trouble just to marry me?"
"Like I said, the love of my life," he reached out and took her unresisting hand.
"Wow," the Hatter said as he escorted Alice to the dance floor. "Didja see the size of that ring?"
Alice rolled her eyes. Naturally, the Hatter wouldn't see anything odd with that little display.
The dance floor was an expanse of white and black tiles were arranged in dizzying spirals. The orchestra pit was playing an instrumental version of 'The Way You Look Tonight.'
The mad man led the sensible girl to the center of the deserted dance floor and pulled her into his arms, "Enjoying yourself?"
Alice smiled, "Immensely. You and Mom seem to be getting along."
The Hatter shrugged, "Your Mum worries about you. And know that I know what kind of trouble you attract without even trying, I don't blame her." He smiled down at her, "Raising you had to be an adventure that deserves to be made into trilogy of heavy books."
Alice made a face and groaned before laughing, "I wasn't that bad."
"Oh, no? According to Robert, you attracted trouble like a magnet attracts metal bits. According to Virginia, you still do."
"Hn. Like those two have any room to talk."
"Alice, have I mentioned how very, very much I like this dress?" The Hatter asked trailing his lips across her shell like ear.
Alice shivered, "No."
"I like how it flows and molds and caresses you," he said sniffing her jasmine and vanilla hair.
"Do you?" Alice said.
"And I like those golden shoes. They're just brill. Even if they do look like architecture instead of footwear, they do all sorts of thrilling things to your calves," the Hatter said with grave sincerity.
Alice sighed softly, "If only the weather were warmer. We could find a fountain and you could see what this dress looks like wet."
The Hatter quivered. Alice. Wet pink dress. It was an image that made his bones feel all liquidy
Alice decided to take pity on her scoundrel, "Do you want to go make out in the coatroom before dessert?"
The Hatter blinked rapidly, "Yes!"
Alice laughed.
----
They never made it into the coatroom. Or dessert.
They snuck past the coat check girl.
Alice looked both ways carefully. She'd never been so bold with a man before. There was just something about the Hatter. She suspected that his naughtiness was contagious.
The giggly, sweet, hot mood was ruined when a naked headless body rolled out at their feet.
"This is more than a little familiar," the Hatter muttered. A moment later the head came tumbling after, a surprised expression etched into its features.
----
Hatter
"E looked like someone had told him a joke without a punch line," The Hatter mimicked the head's expression. "The look you get when you think you're supposed to laugh but, it's just not funny.
Eames made a face as the Hatter continued with excruciating detail.
"And he was a sort of grimy off-white; his eyes hadn't gotten that filmy coating as dead eyes are wont to do." He tugged at his bottom lip in thought, "Been dead about an hour tops."
Goren asked, "Been around a lot of dead bodies, Mr. Write?"
"Define, 'a lot.'"
Alice
"There wasn't any blood," Alice pushed her hair behind her ears causing her diamond dangles to quiver. "You'd expect blood from a beheading. Hmmm. The neck looked cauterized. So, maybe…an energy weapon?"
Goren cleared his throat, "You seem quite knowledgeable on the subject, Miss. Hamilton."
Alice shrugged, "This is New York. On average we get a high percentage of weird. Most of us have encountered a body or two. If you pay attention you know what to look for."
-----
"So, what do you think?" Alex Eames asked. She and her partner were leaning against the same wall. She rubbed her nose.
Bobby Goren bit his bottom lip, "Of him? Or her?"
"Both."
Goren let out a low chuckle, "We've had to grill a lot of perps. But these two…" He shook his head, "Those two are different on a fundamental level from anybody, guilty or innocent, who we've ever had in a room with a two way mirror."
Eames pursed her lips, "Really? How?"
The big detective grunted, "Have you ever met somebody who seemed like they belonged in a book. Like they were part of some great story?"
"I don't think…" She thought about some of their stranger cases. Of people met in passing. "Yes," Eames began slowly. "We've come across people who are…different."
Goren smiled at her discomforted expression and changed the subject, "David Write his girlfriend named Alice, calls him Hatter. That's… cute and I'm sure it has something to do his extensive haberdashery collection."
"Haberdashery?"
"Hats. I think he's got lots and lots of hats. In fact, I think he's something of a dandy, a dandy who cheerfully spends ridiculous amounts of money on clothing. He's vain but, I think he's just as comfortable scruffy as he is in sartorial spender.
I'm guessing— a more than comfortable childhood followed by a sudden plunge into poverty. As an adult, he would have gone to great lengths never to be poor again. Hatter's well educated but, doesn't act it."
Eames crossed his arms, "He's a conman." Her voice was flat. She didn't want to think about her initial reaction to those big brown eyes. She'd wanted to give him a hug and a cookie for God's sake!
"Well, yeah. The best spooks usually are."
Eames felt her left eyebrow lift, "You think he's a spy?"
An imperceptible wriggling of the shoulders, "It scans. A good conman would be that self confident even in the face of capture. But, he wouldn't have that utter lack of hubris. He's got pride by the buckets; but, not the need to pull one over just because he can. A spook would have that pounded out him in training."
"Huh. Why do you think he's here?"
Goren let out a short laugh, "He's so complicated, he's simple. The girl. Everything's about the girl. And she's so simple, she's complicated."
"Hmmm."
Eames, Goren reflected, had always been a good listener. She encouraged with soft noncommittal noises and a thoughtful tilt of the head."
"Alice Hamilton. 25. Father went missing as a child. Martial arts instructor. She should be easy to figure out. The surface is easy enough cynical, independent, distrustful of men. Solidly upper middleclass upbringing, the diamond earrings were a gift. I bet she dresses more subdued in her day to day.
She's been a witness for countless odd incident reports but, this is the first time she's ever been taken in.
And then there's this question…how did such a sensible girl get with that guy?" Goren sighed in frustration. "I can't seem to get past the surface."
"Good luck with that," the voice belonged to young woman in dark slacks and a champaign colored silk blouse. "Alice has always been hard to read." She nodded, "Casey Shraeger, detective. Second Precinct. I called it in." She'd been having a torturous dinner with her parents. She'd never been so grateful for a scream in her life.
"Hey, Second Precinct. You're one of Brown's Unusuals," Goren smiled big. He looked her over, took in the effortless poise and elegance coupled with a prickly posture. What was a rich, daddy's girl doing being a cop?
Shraeger rolled her eyes, like she hadn't heard that one before.
"You know Alice Hamilton?" Eames asked.
Casey let out a short laugh, "Yeah. For years every time I would be sent to summer camp there'd she be. She always made me take the top bunk."
Goren blinked dubiously, "And summer camp gives you insight?"
Shraeger lifted a finger, "The first year we bunked together it was 'Camp Truman' one of our camp counselors was a runner for a white slavery ring." She smiled grimly at Eames's horrified expression. "Alice beat the guy bloody, made me help her drag him to this big tree that grew over a red ant hill. We tied him to the tree. And then she poured honey down his pants."
"Ah," Goren shook his head. That was interesting.
Eames let out a little gasp.
"We were ten at the time," Shraeger cracked her knuckles. "Then there was Space Camp. Our shuttle was accidentally launched."
"I heard about that," Eames exclaimed. "I thought it was just a rumor?"
"Nope. NASA went to a lot of trouble to make sure it stayed a rumor. That girl in there, she kept us all alive." Casey's eyes went soft as she imagined the incomparable sight of the Earth in all its green/blue glory on a backdrop of black velvet and diamonds. She shook her head, "Military Camp…" she went on to go over several very disturbing experiences.
Eames listened in horrified fascination.
Goren began to rearrange his profile of Alice Hamilton. It was more complete. It just made even less sense.
Shraeger's cell rang. She answered briskly, "Walsh? What is it? Delahoy's gone crazy. What again? Did he lock a suspect in a car with a bunch of rabid cats again? Oh." Her eyes went wide.
She turned to Goren and Eames and smiled widely, "One, Alice didn't behead that guy. Second, you'll never crack that egg. And third I've got to go." Shraeger turned to trot down the hall.
"What makes you think she won't crack?" Goren called after her.
Casey stopped and looked over her shoulder, "You aren't weird enough to take her."
Goren, to Eames's everlasting amusement was pouting, "Not weird enough? No ones ever said that to me."
-----
The Hatter
The Hatter looked at the Styrofoam cup distrustfully. Steam rose in pleasant little curls. Gingerly, he picked it up and sniffed. He grimaced and took a little sip. He held the liquid in his mouth and made a face. It was comical, the way his eyes bugged and his lips twitched.
He turned and spat the offending liquid onto the cold concrete floor, "Blerg! The hell…what was that?"
"Tea. As per your request," you could never tell that Eames was fighting a giggle fit.
The Hatter with great care sat the cup as far from his person as possible, "That—that cup o sick was not tea! It's an affront to all things tea! It's what spam is to real meat! It's what spray cheese is to actual cheese! It's what carob is to chocolate!" The Hatter had been both fascinated and appalled with he'd been introduced to 'artificial food.' That simulated cat piss taste was lingering in his mouth.
"So, you didn't like it?" Goren lifted a cardboard box onto the interview table.
The Hatter glowered, "I've been tortured by professionals. On more than one occasion. And they never did anything like that bit of calculated cruelty."
The detectives exchanged a look.
'Is he for real?' Eames asked with a little head tilt.
Goren nodded.
The female cop pursed her lips.
Goren began to unload the box. The items were once the unlikely contents of the Hatter's pockets; a blue plastic yo-yo, a wallet, a 'Lonely Planet Travel Guide to Guam,' a broken pocket watch of some antiquity, a 'Vote for Pedro' button, a knight chess piece, three decks of playing cards, a half eaten Scrumdiddlyumptious bar…"
"Hey!" snapped Eames.
"I need to get that utterly appalling taste out," the Hatter took a large defiant bite.
The other detective ignored this little exchange and kept unloading the box, a rubber ducky, an envelope filled with gourmet tea bags, a bag of tiddlywinks, a slinky, a length of blue ribbon, a roll of duct tape, a small photo album full of Alice, an argyle sock puppet, a lock picking kit, three magnets and a dozen silk handkerchiefs in eye melting colors.
"So, have you seen the previews for Tim Burton's Alice?" Goren began to play with the slinky.
The Hatter's whole face scrunched inward, "Hn." He glared. "Yes," and he was a bit creeped out. It looked like it might be a disturbingly accurate portrayal of Wonderland's wild past, and of his mad as a 'box of frogs' ancestor.
"Hmmm," Goren put down the slinky and flipped open the Hatter's wallet. "Business cards, lets see…Ambassador David Write, Wonderland Embassy.'"
The Hatter shrugged.
"Hatter: A Man Who Knows. The Mad Hatter: Ladies Man, Man's Man, Man About Town. The Ladies Man part is marked out and Property of Alice written above it." The detective scratched his nose. "Alice and Hatter. Cute. But, don't you think you're a touch obsessed with a children's book?"
The Hatter eyed Goren carefully before leaning back on his chair until he was balanced on the back legs. "Oh, ho! I see your game now!"
"My game?"
The Hatter laughed, "By insinuating something nasty about me and Alice, you want to make me angry. See if I let little bits of myself scarper about, giving me away." His smile could only be described as cheeky. He waggled a finger, "Not bad. But, no cream cake for you."
Goren folded his arms, "No. It won't work. It might amuse you to pretend that it did. I, I don't think that I can goad you. You were telling the truth about being tortured? Weren't you?"
"Yep," the Hatter popped the p.
"I imagine as a spy," at the Hatter's off look he blinked, "Former spy, there's nothing that the NYPD could possibly do to intimidate you?"
The Hatter tossed his hat in the air. It hovered in cheeky mockery of the laws of physics. It fell on his head with a soft flup. He adjusted it. "Nope."
Eames ground her teeth. Usually, by this time the suspect would be spilling everything.
Goren smiled gently, "Your accent sounds English, Yorkshire if you want to be really picky. But, it's off, too much emphasis on the wrong vowel."
The Hatter made a 'please do go on' move with his hand.
"You don't have a green card. In fact, you seem to have a very blank past."
The Hatter raised a brow, "And. What? Threaten to send me away, back to where I came from?" He sniggered, "Mate, you don't have the wherewithal to send me anywhere."
Eames said, "You don't seem to find being separated from Alice too upsetting."
The Hatter tucked a hand under his chin and batted his eyes. Then his expression sobered and his brown eyed turned hard. "I find the notion very upsetting. It's just amusing that you're wasting you time threatening me with something that will never happen when there's a killer on the loose."
"And your not a killer?" Goren asked.
The suspect shrugged, "If I was a spy, I may have killed the odd bloke. Did I kill this one? No."
"But, you are capable of it," it wasn't a question. Goren knew it. "I think you'd kill for Alice.
"Who isn't under the right circumstances?" the Hatter's eyes seemed to turn to shadows. "Would I kill for Alice? Hell, yes! But, luckily for any who'd cause my girl harm she can pound most of 'em into the ground." He smiled once sharp as needles. "But, that's one of the privileges of being in love with a warrior women." He looked from to Eames to Goren, "As you well know."
-----
Alice
"The waiter was a Skrull," Alice Hamilton said without preamble to the returning detectives.
"What?" Eames snapped. She was starting to get a headache.
Alice gnawed at her lip, "You remember the second to last invasion. The one with the skrulls." The Skrulls had been an improvement over several of the others. They were at least bipedal and closer to humans then say…the Phalanx. That was too Borg like for anybodies taste.
Eames twitched, and then glowered, "Yeah."
Goren's face closed off.
"Our waiter, He looked exactly like Tom Welling. And the way he moved…it was off, all weird angles."
"What make you think your Clark Kent clone was a skrull?" asked Goren.
Alice stretched, "Like I said the way he moved. Reptilian species move differently from mammals. I should know. I was in a Skrull holding cell for about two months."
"That wasn't in your file," Eames frowned.
"No. Not in your files," Alice threaded her fingers together.
Goren rolled his eyes. He suspected there were very thick files that went years back on this young lady. They just didn't belong to the NYCP.
Alice untangled her fingers and tapped them on the table, "I should tell someone about this."
"You have told someone about this," Eames said irritably. Just what the case needed… a paranoid alien spotter. She briefly reminisced about the days when aliens were just the headlines on tabloids and not something she had up close and personal knowledge.
Alice shook her head absently, "Somebody who can do something about it."
"Thanks," Eames rolled her eyes. "Your faith in us is truly overwhelming."
Alice lips quirked wryly, "Detection Eames, I mean no disrespect. It's just…the combined might of all the armies in the world couldn't do diddly. It took vigilante action to save the planet." She thought a bit and had to be fair, "Okay, so there were some official organizations that had an impact."
"And what would those organizations be?" Goren was intrigued.
Alice shrugged, "Couldn't tell you." She mulled it over, "I'll tell Sue."
"Sue?" Goren probed gently.
"Mmm. Sue Storm. She'll know what to do." Alice said with a decisive nod.
"You know Sue Storm. The Invisible Woman, wife of the smartest man on the planet?" Eames's question dripped lukewarm sarcasm.
Goren gave Eames a hurt look. Smartest man on the planet? Really?
"She used to baby-sit me. Also, we have lunch once a month," was the flat reply.
"Oh," was the reply.
Alice smiled thinly, "By now, you know that neither I nor Hatter had anything to do with naked headless guy."
"Really?" Goren asked.
"The security cams and the forensic evidence will have confirmed it," Alice's brow furrowed. "That being the case, I can't help but, wonder why we are still here."
-----
"Cut them loose," said Captain Deakins briskly.
"Sir?" Goren asked politely. He wondered how he could stall. It wasn't that he thought that Alice and her Hatter had anything to do with the vic. It was just…he didn't like mysteries he couldn't solve.
Deakins rolled his eyes, "I just got a call from S.H.E.I.L.D, ordering me to let Alice Hamilton and David Write go and not to trouble them again."
Eames scrunched up her nose, "What's S.H.E.I.L.D?" She wanted to go to bed and forget she'd even met these people.
"Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division, They make Homeland Security look like fluffy puppies," Deakins said unhappily.
Goren cocked his head to one side, "Did they say why?"
Deakins snorted, "Apparently, they don't have to me a why."
"Well, you did say that Hatter," Eames said to Goren and didn't even notice she was calling Write by his nickname, "Was a spook."
Goren shook his head, "Not one of ours. If it were about him they wouldn't have said his name last. Like an afterthought. This is all about the girl."
"So, what? We're just going to let them go?" huffed Eames.
Deakins shrugged, "We don't have anything to hold them on. Not even circumstantial evidence. It's a good thing too. Her mother's terrifying."
Goren laughed.
----
It was a scene from a movie, Eames thought bemusedly.
Alice and the Hatter spotted each other from across the room. The loud police room seemed to still. The Hatter took off his hat and let it dangle at his side. He looked at Alice and Alice looked back at him.
"Hatter!" the girl with the night dark hair ran and all but leapt into his arms. They kissed. It was slow, tender and filled with passion.
Eames was not getting misty eyed, thank you. Good God, did that girl's foot actually pop up?
"I missed you," and the Hatter's lips were once more molded to Alice's.
Carol, who had been glowering at the chief, laughed. They could be so cute. She wandered up and tapped the Hatter on the shoulder.
"Hi, Mom." Alice stepped out of the Hatter's arms and into her mother's.
"Alice honey, what am I going to do with you?" Carol kissed her on the forehead.
Alice replied with a dry, "It's too late to return me. I think my warranty is at least a year past its expiration date."
"Oh, you."
"'Ello Carol," the Hatter grinned at her and was astonished when his lady's mother pulled him in for a hug.
"Let's go home, kids." With that short sentence David, the Hatter, whatever the boy chose to call himself, was claimed as a member of her family.
Alice smiled like a contented cat. The Hatter didn't know what he was in for. All he wanted was for her mother to accept him. He'd gotten his wish alright. This wasn't the tentative approval that some of the men she dated, Jack included, had gotten.
This was the unconditional, uncompromising, possessive 'I am a mother lion, this is my cub, mess with my cub and die' attitude that Alice had grown up with. Carol had never extended this blanket of fierce love to any of her daughter's boyfriends.
The Hatter, Alice concluded, was in for a shock. Are you eating enough? Wear a coat when you go out. Is that what you're wearing? He was in for the mothering of his life.
Alice was glad; she'd have the opportunity to see it.
"Let's go out for ice cream," Carol said decisively. The children had seen a dead body been dragged into the police station. They deserved a treat. Not that a part of her didn't know that both had seen their share of dead bodies. And David had seen his share of police stations. She liked denial. It was warm.
Alice laughed, "We never did get dessert."
"Detectives," the Hatter came to a stop and smiled like a man who was leaving a police station to go get ice cream.
Goren straightened. Ah, the last word. He'd never admit, oh who was he kidding? He'd totally admit it. He loved getting the last word. Maybe, it was a bit petty but, everybody had their little quirks.
"Back to Wonderland?" the detective asked.
The Hatter shook his head, "Just the embassy." He looked from Goren to Eames. "So, I expect an invitation to the wedding." His smile impossibly went wider. "After, you man up enough to ask her."
Eames blushed.
Goren blinked as the last word scuttled out the door. And then just what was said registered. He couldn't look at Eames.
The Hatter held out his arms, "Ice cream, ladies?"
Alice took his right arm and Carol his left and they swept out of the police station.
They didn't notice the officer who looked up from his desk to glare at their departing backs. The officer's eyes changed. From a dull brown to a vivid slit eyed green. "Alice," the skrull murmured.
The next time on 'The Other Side of the Mirror,' will we find out why Alice is being followed by a skrull? Will the Hatter be out-weirded by Deadpool? Is the Wonderland Embassy haunted?
Notes
Detective Robert 'Bobby' Goren, is a very strange homicide detective from 'Law and Order: Criminal Intent.
The ever practical Detective Alexandria Eames is his partner.
The Harmonia Gardens Restaurant was featured in Hello, Dolly!
Tom Welling plays Clark Kent in the CW's Smallville.
John Francis 'Jack' Donaghy is the Vice President of Television and Microwave Oven Programming for General Electric. You can find him on 30 Rock.
John Munch is the World's Most Paranoid Cop…too many cop shows to count.
The snobby young couple is Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass.
Detective Casey Shraeger is from the short lived but awesome, The Unusuals.
Space Camp was an 80's movie. It just seemed like something that would have happened to Alice.
The 'Vote for Pedro' button is from Napoleon Dynamite.
The Scrumdiddlyumptious Bar comes from the mysterious Wonka Chocolate Factory. The only place in the world that mixes it's chocolate by waterfall.
'Ladies Man, Man's Man, Man About Town', this is from the movie down with love. In the movie, 'Ladies Man and Man's Man we're reversed. The Hatter, unlike Catcher Block would have the 'Ladies Man' part first. He just would.
Skrulls are a race of fictional shape shifting aliens from the Marvel Universe.
S.H.E.I.L.D is a fiction espionage and law enforcement agency in the Marvel Universe. The acronym has stood for a few different things but, I chose the one used in the Iron Man and Incredible Hulk movies.