THE ONE WHO MAKES HIM SMILE by Moon71

CHAPTER 5: After the music

Summary: After Bad Luck's concert, Ayaka has to deal with a painful truth…

Author's Notes: I really am so pleased with the reception this story continues to get. I didn't expect many reviews because I know Ayaka isn't always a favourite, but not only have there been more reviews than I expected but the response has been kind, intelligent and mature, both towards me and poor old Ayaka! That will teach me to underestimate Gravitation fans!

Even though Gravitation centres around the relationship between two men, for me, part of its charm is that the female characters who appear are all distinctive, interesting, and in their own way, very strong. Obviously this is only fanfiction and we can all do whatever the heck we want with it, but it does seem a bit of a shame to push the female characters to the back or in some cases kill them off all together! - just to pair together male characters who weren't paired by their creator, especially as, lets face it, the majority of us are rather leaning towards the female persuasion ourselves… but then again, maybe I'm just getting old…

At any rate, Ayaka and Mika were remarkably good fun to write, even if Ayaka's endless formality did prove a bit wearying at times…!

"Ayaka-chan! It's great you came! Did you like the show?"

The genuine pleasure in Hiro's tone when he stepped out of the dressing room acted as a balm upon my aching heart. At least someone was pleased to see me! He had changed out of his stage clothes into a white t-shirt and a pair of well worn black jeans and there was a towel slung about his shoulders. "You were wonderful, Nakano-san," I said with real feeling, "all of you…" I added, feeling my face grow hot as he grinned happily, "I had no idea you'd be… that is… I don't mean to say…"

"I think I know what you mean," Hiro said, chuckling affably, "when people first hear we're in a band… and take a look at Shuichi…"

"Did you call me, Hiro? I – oh!" Shuichi appeared behind his guitarist, his eyes growing wide as he saw me. "Ayaka! I…"

"I was just telling Nakano-san how much I enjoyed your show," I told him with what I hoped was a conciliatory smile. I was surprised just how little resentment I felt for him now; how well I suddenly seemed to understand him. There was no point on dwelling upon the morality of his relationship with Eiri, or the damage it might do to reputations or careers or family honour. He was in love. Deeply, hopelessly in love. And if I could not sympathise with that, then who could? Perhaps, if Eiri had consented to marry me, if he had shown some enthusiasm for the match, I might feel I had the right to hate. But as it was, one might as well hate a cat for killing birds or a slug for eating cabbage – they did what they had to do, what they could not stop doing without becoming something they were not. There suddenly seemed no point in snatching from someone else something that would still not be mine.

Did I gain some relief from this? Was I happy in my aura of self-sacrificial virtue? Not a bit of it. It was only that the anger had gone, and all that was left was a terrible, empty loneliness.

"I'm… glad you liked it," Shuichi answered me warily, his hand straying – quite unconsciously I think – to the cheek I had slapped that morning. Dressed once again in street clothes, his damp hair sticking in all directions, his face shiny and freshly scrubbed free of stage make-up, it was hard to equate this scruffy, diffident boy with the young man who had just a little while ago been prancing about the stage in a skimpy costume making girls scream. "Uh – is Yuki waiting for you…?"

Hiro rolled his eyes, but I only smiled once more. "Eiri-san has already gone home. He said something about your fans… ah… doing something I couldn't repeat to his Mercedes if he left it alone for too long after the concert…"

Hiro frowned at me. "You mean he just left you here? It's late – how are you going to get home?"

I couldn't help gazing warmly up at him, just for a moment. It really did feel good to know he cared, even if it was only a natural chivalry rather than anything directly to do with me. "Thank you for your concern, Nakano-san, but I will be staying at the Seguchi home tonight. Seguchi-san himself said he would send his private driver for me whenever I was ready." That was true enough; it was one of the conditions upon which Eiri agreed to take me the concert and Mika-san agreed not to descend upon his home. I was not particularly looking forward to facing her, but she had managed to stop my outraged parents from storming in from Kyoto and at least I had been given my chance to see things exactly as they were.

"Say, Ayaka-chan," Hiro said suddenly, "if you don't need to go right away, would you like to get something to eat? I don't know about you, but I'm starving!"

"I – " I hesitated, pretending I did not see Shuichi shifting restlessly behind him. "I would like that very much, Nakano-san. Are you coming too, Shindou-san?" I could not help asking. Perhaps I could be forgiven for taking just a little pleasure in his discomfort?

"Oh… no, I'm not really hungry, I'm just really tired after tonight…" he said with a completely unconvincing air of indifference, "I guess I'll just go home…"

He didn't say which home he had in mind, but that was hardly a difficult question to answer. He looked rather nervous as he said his good-byes, afraid, I guessed, of what reception he might get. But I had seen Eiri during the concert, and for me the answer to that was not difficult either.

The drive back to Kyoto began in an awkward silence. I think Mika-san and I were feeling much the same way, and that made it difficult. We were both feeling a little angry with one another, and perhaps a little guilty too.

"You knew about Shindou-san, didn't you?" I said at last, unable to keep the accusative tone from my voice.

Mika waited until we crossed onto the motorway to roll down the driver's window and light a cigarette. "Yes, I knew. But it isn't the way it looks. It hasn't been going on for long – a month or two. And before that I swear to you Eiri had never…" she trailed off with a frown. "I don't like it. It… worries me. Tohma thinks it could be good for Eiri," she added reluctantly, "he thinks they could inspire one another. But Tohma sees something in Shuichi, something he likes… all that youth and exuberance… I think it reminds him of his Nittle Grasper days. And I think that affects his judgement. Shuichi reminds me of something completely different. To me, he just seems like a disaster waiting to happen…"

I didn't know what to say to that, conscious as ever of not knowing the whole story, so I remained silent, thinking over the events of the night before. Hiro had been so kind to me during our meal, even when I started to cry. I hadn't meant to, but when I confessed to Hiro that Eiri never looked at me the way he looked at Shuichi, it was as if I was confessing it to myself at the same time and it hurt so badly. Hiro sat patiently while I recovered myself; he passed me a tissue to dry my eyes and as I took it he briefly touched my hand. I looked up into his eyes, then, and when he smiled at me, I felt that now familiar, pleasant surge of warmth rise through my body, alleviating the despair weighing so heavily upon my soul.

"Don't give up on Eiri, Ayaka-chan," I heard Mika say, "I really don't think this will last… and I still think you could be so good for him…"

I didn't have an answer for that either. I didn't want to add to Mika's cares. The night before I had gone quickly to the spare bedroom Mika offered, being too tired and too drained to want to linger. But in the early hours I had been awoken by the murmur of voices and had slipped down for a glass of water. As I passed the lounge I could not help glancing in – Seguchi-san was leaning back in his wife's arms as they sat on the large, plush couch, and they were conversing in whispers. Seguchi-san looked exhausted.

After that I had been unable to sleep. All I could think of was the concert, of how divided I had felt throughout Bad Luck's performance. They were good, far better than I'd imagined. I liked the music and I found that I loved Hiro's guitar solos most of all; it sent shivers through me as the whole audience became fixed upon him. But every time I really began to enjoy myself I caught sight of Eiri and became miserable all over again.

After Shuichi's dramatic avowal, Eiri no longer listened with his head inclined. His gaze was fixed directly upon the stage – upon Shuichi, to be exact. He was watching him with the unmistakable eyes of a lover, hungry and possessive, as if Shuichi was dancing and singing only for him. Watching him as he watched the writhing and gyrating of Shuichi's body I could have dismissed it as mere lust, though that was hardly reassuring. But during the slower songs that lustful look faded and Eiri simply stared. Any other observer might have thought his attitude cold, even disapproving. But I knew better. His features were quite still, quite relaxed. I had never seen him so at peace.

I did not want to believe it. Knowing as I do now the state of relations between Eiri and Shuichi at the time, I seriously doubt if Eiri believed it himself right then, or if Shuichi would have believed it if I had told him. But I felt it clearly. Perhaps it took one to know one, but I knew.

Uesugi Eiri was in love.

TBC