Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters of the witcher. Those are property of Mr Sapkowski and I using Netflix series canon mixed with the books.

Warning : Description of burns, blood and body marks. Some violence (nothing too graphic). Mostly anxiety and depressive state. Swearing. Humiliation.

Note : I would change some things from the series here. See notes at the end for the why.

This is the last chapter and it leads to "where do I belong". I would give tiny comfort to the bard (because he deserves some) and but as it a way to entering his future breakdown you can easily imagine that won't be especially joyful.

Chapter 8 - Fading dream

The first few hours were like a dream. Jaskier was following blindly his friend. He didn't even feel his own weaknesses anymore. It was like the strain of the last few days didn't exist. He had left the fast healing general fatigue and the lack of appetite that made him loose all strength back in his cell. He matched the fast pace of Geralt without even thinking how it played on his tender muscles. He was just in the present, feeling more and more alive with each step.

Soon, Oxenfurt had disappeared from his sight. They did not stay on the main road long and plunged on small tracks that leaded to the forest. He had no idea where Geralt was leading him so actively, and to be honest, he didn't care. As long as he was with him he would go anywhere. But when he spotted a small lake near their path, he couldn't resist. He had to stop. He hadn't wash at all for days and even if Geralt didn't say a thing about his odour, his own pride kicked in and he couldn't tolerate any longer to be this dirty, especially in his presence.

He was just excited about the idea of the fresh water against his skin. So he just took off his coat and vest and gave them to Geralt without looking back. He vaguely heard a proverbial grunt as the witcher didn't seem too happy with either this forced pause and the fact he was suddenly no more than a coat hanger.

The lake was partially covered by a cave and around it trees were providing a nice shadow. Jaskier almost ran to the water. He kneeled over some big flat rocks while taking off his bloodied shirt. The surface of the lake was like a mirror. For a brief second he saw his reflection on the water. He was really a mess.

Patches of dirt darkened his skin and he realised that even three days of fast healing hadn't erase all the marks of the beating he received. The worst of it seemed now like scratches and bruised but the fact that the side of his face was still red and the gash over his eyebrow was still visible reminded him how close to dying from a swell in his skull he had been. Also he had lost a few pounds, revealing ribs and digging a bit his cheeks. He looked tired. Well he was but he didn't want to think about it.

So he ignored this problem - over the years it was not the first time he went over his limits - and then plunged his shirt into the water breaking his unflattering reflection. He ignored also the fact that he still couldn't feel a bloody thing from his right hand fingertips and that the cold water was painful to his joints. Music seemed not on the menu for a long time anyway. Maybe it would have the time to heal better. He consciously chose to forget what the elfe told him when she healed him. There had been a miracle today, so maybe...

Then he used his piece of clothe to wash himself a little bit. It was cold as ice but so much welcome. Geralt was observing him a few meters away, holding his stuff like it personally offended him. He couldn't blame him, the odour of his sweat, not as strong as on his shirt, could still be unpleasant for his witcher nose. In response he tried to wash his shirt as much as he could. He would have to do something for his trousers too but one problem at a time.

While he was grumbling about the blood inlaid in the fabric, Geralt engaged the conversation. He asked about Yennefer and what she was doing at Oxenfurt. He answered candidly that she saved his life and that she was on a run. As he was scrubbing vigorously his shirt he added that she had lost her magic which seemed to pick the witcher's interest up. But he stopped suddenly realising he had not processed all that happened that day. Well... to his defense, his head was mess at that time.

He got on his feet and screamed towards the cave.

- "Jaskier, you moron !" Turning back to Geralt he added. "How to explain that she magically disappeared then ?"

The witcher was stoic as always and he simply asked him to tell what he saw. Jaskier displayed his shirt on some piece of driftwood and joined his friend to put his other clothes on. He told him the strange words the sorceress pronounced before disappearing and Geralt just made a link with some old demons his people had fought in the past. For the poet it was a surreal conversation but it was like the old time. Geralt would tell him about legends and creatures and they would go hunting. He wouldn't understand much of it but would be a witness of incredible things. So he was thrilled.

But then the conversation slipped to Ciri and the last link was he to make. He didn't realised at first what meant his words to Geralt. So it was almost jokingly that he told him that Yennefer wanted to sacrifice his child surprise to get her magic back. He saw the expression on his friend's face but he couldn't connect the dots. Why Geralt was so worried about this child. Of course the idea was extremely disturbing, but his friend had escaped the responsibility for more than ten years and it was the question of parenthood that set the fire to the bomb that exploded in his face on the mountain. To him the child meant nothing but troubles that Geralt didn't want. Why would he care now? It made no sense but apparently this was now a subject close to his heart.

He has changed too. He thought. Well not really but his perspectives seemed to have shifted. Jaskier wanted to catch up everything that he missed during those two years they were separated. He wanted to fill in the hole that had devoured him from the inside since. It was probably just a play of the mind to think that knowing what was missing would change something about that but he was trying to heal his soul every way possible.

But Geralt was Geralt and without much explanation he told him they had to go to Cintra right away.

- "Why ? What's in Cintra ?" He asked confused.

His thoughts were interrupted by a noisy cackling and an axe that embedded itself on his shirt out of nowhere.

###

They found a sadly known dwarves company a little bit further and Geralt engaged the conversation with them. Jaskier didn't feel really comfortable meeting them again. They were another beacon of the mountain chapter that he wished to turn the page about. Though, the lady that accompanied them this time seemed very friendly.

He didn't try to interact with them further, the first few words reminded him that he had no place in their world. Everything had a bad taste of deja vu. So he listened to the warriors from afar. He didn't want to be pushed out because he didn't fill in or worst making any faux pas, so soon after Geralt's return.

Yarpin proposed his help for the secret quest the witcher was pursuing and they moved on.

###

The first few hours of walk were nice, even though he had to go by foot while Geralt was mounting the horse Yarpin offered him. His body seemingly forget how tired he was. Maybe he would regret later but for now he didn't mind.

The witcher told him everything about his journey to find Ciri and how the young girl grew on him. The more he spoke the more Jaskier could feel how close to a father his wolf had become. In a way that was touching and bittersweet in the same time. Because how many time did he try to make him realise that his potential parenthood and the fact that he was patently ignoring it was what was causing him trouble ? Geralt had fought the idea for so long and now he was embracing it like it was normal. He was pushing his distress into their relationship in a way that felt wrong and unfair.

The worst part was that Jaskier understood Yennefer in this case. Not that he could tolerate the idea of killing a child to get her magic back but he knew how much she was hurt to go to this extreme. The emotional pain she was in was something Geralt may have not experienced yet or was beginning to glimpse. Finding purpose in life and being ripped of being able to fulfil it was something brutal and personal. Jaskier was sensing the storm coming again.

He had to open his friend's eyes before he did something as stupid as to kill the love of his life. Jaskier hated Yennefer for breaking Geralt's heart so many times in their shared history but he knew that, magic bond or not, they were passionately in love with each other. And he couldn't let his friend go on a path that would end into a lifetime of regrets and guilt. So he tried to make him understand how profoundly hurt was Yennefer to go this far.

And he tried to do it using their own shared experiences. The mountain was the closest thing that Geralt could hold onto to grasp why someone emotionnally hurt could hurt others. That very moment, Jaskier opened his heart briefly and discreetly. Maybe too discreetly... Either way, Geralt didn't understand that under his rethoric he was telling him that he loved him and had been extremely hurt by what happened or simply he denied the possibility. But his answer was clear in a painful way.

This is different. Sure. Different situation. Different protagonists. But the feelings were the same in intensity, at least for him... And his pain was real and profound. Even Yennefer saw how much he loved Geralt and treated him as an equal on that matter. But of course his wolf wouldn't see it this way. This is different...

It was obviously not the good moment and he didn't want to bring shame and guilt to him so he kept his own suffering for himself. At least he won an apology. That was so rare that he had to accept and burry his feelings. He made a joke about this lack of empathy which was a bit cheeky but he had to hide the pain. He had to move on and to teach his heart to be satisfied with what he got.

But... he didn't have much. Soon Geralt was back to his old self. Emotionnally closed because he was worried and ignoring him because he found better company with people that ressembled him more with the dwarves. Jaskier didn't try to fit this time. His own fear of been rejected once more did a lot in his decision. But as the days went by, a sad realisation crawled back from the darkest memories he'd tried to burry with everything else : Geralt didn't come back for him and he didn't care. The saga of his meaningless life was opening a new chapter. A bitter one. And it hit him hard. Especially after the rush of utterly joy he experienced being reunited with his muse.

Lesson learnt, he stayed silent and distant because he was afraid of a new mountain if he tried anything. But somewhere deep he needed to be acknowledged. Sadly Geralt was not keen on sharing anything more and there was no step in his direction. The rare moments he tried to engage the conversation about his own journey he faced a wall. The dwarves didn't seem to care much and Geralt was mostly in his own bubble and he was answering only to things related to the journey or his own problems.

Jaskier could understand that the odds were pretty dramatic but he couldn't help but feel like his miracle was nothing and that he had just switched one cage for another. This one was his own and a pernicious one. Because Geralt was his everything and because the last two years were his tomb, he couldn't pictured himself elsewhere. His life as the Sandpiper was in jeopardy and he couldn't go back. There was just one road and no escape for the moment. But he had the feeling he was breaking his own wings staying there and that his heart carried the chains that emprisonned him. He was already no use to Geralt... In his cell Jaskier had pictured the moment when the broken tool he was would be discarded. He didn't think it would be so soon and in this painfully slow way.

###

The dwarf lady noticed him though and she was the only one to befriend with him. From the first day, he assisted her with the cooking, preventing the others to approach the utensils. The boys were so bad at it that they destroyed almost any good food they would find on the path.

Gwen was her name. Three days in, she sat next to him while he was cutting the vegetables they had for lunch. They others went hunting with Geralt.

- "You look sadder by the days, bard." She said. "What's the matter ?"

- "Nothing..." He mumbled.

- "Of course. You are brooding over my vegetables for nothing."

He stopped his activity for a second and turned toward the lady. She had a fine beard and gentle eyes. He liked her. He sighed but didn't reply.

- "You know I am old enough to have seen many people. I can see that you are not well. Physically and more..."

Jaskier could have laughed. That woman he knew for three days was more interested in his current well being than his friend of more than two decades. He focused on his task and resumed cutting the carrots.

- "The body will get better with time. Don't worry about that. I got a little magical boost that strains me somehow."

He was midway through the truth and a lie. The elven magic had almost stopped working on him the day they met. He didn't feel the constant fatigue it provoced anymore. But his body was overstimulated and the last bruises and cuts had soon disappeared.

- "You should ask for a bigger part if it helps you to regain some strength."

- "I am good."

- "You seem strong but I can see when someone has not enough." She kicked him gently in the ribs. "I can see your bones, bard. I like my men with extra meat." He genuinely laughted this time. She was quite direct in her approach.

- "Are you trying to get me in your bed roll for tonight ?"

- "Why not ?" She winked. He smiled. But then she was serious again and put her hand on his face were the last mark of torture had since faded. "I saw the marks on your body. I see how you react to some noises or even to fire. Sadly I have seen this before. I can guess that you've been through a lot, if not..."

- "Tortured..." He completed for her. She nodded. He stopped cutting the vegetables again. "You know what's funny ? You noticed..."

- "I see... So you are sad because your friend did not."

- "It plays, I won't lie. But..." He chose his words carefully. "It's more like when you are dreaming and not fully awake and you want to stay in the dream because reality sucks... But you know what is real so even in your dream you begin to feel the pain of reality."

- "You're living a dream right now ?" She seemed surprised, almost amused.

- "My ideal life is not what you think." He scoffed. But then he added seriously. "If you noticed the marks on my body, you probably saw how pitiful I was when we met, even if I tried to be my charming self." She smiled but she nodded. "Geralt found me in a jail, speaking to mice and ready to die. He doesn't know that last part because he has no idea what I went through. But I was ready to make an attempt to escape my prison even if it meant the worst end for me. I had no other perspective... And he reappeared in my life in my lowest and he saved me. Basically he brought me back to life. But the reality is that I was the only one having an information he needed. So he came because of a miraculous set of circonstances. I try to be happy about the simple fact that the planets aligned to put me out of my misery, but what if my dream was just to have a friend that really cares about me..."

He pushed the sliced carrots in the pot and took a leek. He focused on cutting it as well.

- "I know I am wrong but I want to believe I mean something. And don't want to stop dreaming so soon. I didn't even have the time to heal... inside. And the worst part of that is that I am feeling like a bad person to have this need. He has more important to think than a whining bard."

- "Being not well after being tortured is not whining." She corrected him. He didn't react to that and after a heavy silence, she added "You should try to speak to him."

- "The last time I tried it didn't end well..."

- "I see... You don't want to break the illusion."

- "Maybe..."

They finished cutting the vegetables in silence. Soon the others came back with some rabbits. They ate quickly and resumed travelling.

###

That night, Jaskier accepted the not very subtle invitation to share Gwen's space, after making sure she was not promised to any of the other dwarves present to prevent being axe murdered in his sleep. Geralt said something about him not being able to stop flirting in any circumstances. He joked about it too but it was a simulacrum. He needed that affection that sweet lady offered him.

They shared several tender moments during the journey to Cintra and then to Kaer Morhen. He would carry those like treasures because his dream was fading fast as the reunion with Yennefer was promising a new storm to blast the fragile balance Geralt had found and, later, as the meeting with the wolf family was dry as the desert.

He found a bottle of bad wine in the fortress and old habits came back with vengeance. The alcohol took him away from the pain that was growing inside and back to the illusion he belonged to his witcher and that everything would be fine in the end.

While he was sleeping the proverbial storm was approaching and with it his dream would shatter in million pieces as much as what was left of him...

The end

I know this is not a very happy ending but the bard got some love and attention. I couldn't help but nod to BO so that's why I named that lovely beard lady Gwen.

Note : I don't like the lake scene because it was done for fanservice and it exposes the tropes too much. Even if I could have used things from this scene for obvious reason :), I want to stick to a more logical version. Jaskier did wash and not just get wet ...

See you for another fic. Probably Bleobheris if you fancy more whump. But I don't know when I would begin to write it and what would be the format.