(I dream all my dreams in black and white)
-x-
// black like her glossy hair, her calculating eyes, and almost as black as her soul, and black like the emptiness which you seem to be falling in //
-x-
"Josh, wait up!"
"What do you want, Alicia?"
-x-
Eventually, you agree to go out with Alicia - and it's only partly because she is the polar opposite of Claire - and give her the stupid ball cap that you don't let anybody else touch. She wears it proudly, and keeps it on even though Massie tells her that she'll ruin her hair. And you've got a feeling she knows about your unrequited love - after all, she makes it her business to know anything and everything about everyone - and that her wearing the damed thing is almost like her waving a victory flag around so that everyone can see that she won, and that the poor girl from Florida lost. And, though you hate her unconditionally for trying to ruin Claire's life, you can't help but notice with certain satisfaction the looks Claire sends you when you're together. (but she has no right to be jealous, no right whatsoever)
-x-
"Meet me behind cafeteria. We need to talk."
"We are talking."
-x-
And so, when Claire whispers to you in Science class, and says that sentence you've just been dying to hear (behind the cafeteria has never been more suggestive), you turn her down. Not that you don't want to talk to her, listen to her, watch her lips move, no. You just figure that, if you waited this long, she deserves a little suspense too. And you regret your decision almost instantly as you watch the disbelief in her eyes turn to hurt - and you've never been more thankful of that loud, obnoxious bell as it cuts through the lecture on the reproductive system. And so she sends you one last, dark look and whispers in a strained voice.
"You might think you've finally found a girl who'll love you, but you are so wrong. So while you prance around and have a fucking happy life, I'd like to point out that she's cheating on your sorry ass. With Cam, of all the freaking' people on the planet." (saved by the bell, no doubt)
The room is now empty, even old Mr. Dirge somehow managed to leave. She tries to sound hateful, mean, but her voice is thick with sorrow and regret and her eyes are like a melted ocean of lament as she stares at you, unmoving. And suddenly she's in your arms, sobbing rapidly, and all you can do is hold her as you stare, confused, at the blackboard and wonder how in the world you went from there to here in so little time. (and she's in your arms again, and everything is going to be alright, just as long as you don't let go)
-x-
"You cheated on me, and now you say I'm fucked up?"
"Oh, please, don't even pretend for a moment that you're not madly in love with Kuh-laire."
-x-
Alicia confesses almost instantly, to your surprise (you'd been expecting denial, at the very least) and smiles devilishly, her red-tinted lips curving against her olive skin. She then proceeds to twirl the baseball cap across her finger, waiting for you to recover from the shock, and when you do, she listens patiently, sometimes not even truly paying attention, as you explain that you don't want to see her anymore. When finally, you end the speech with a customary, but not truly necessary, 'I hope we can still be friends', she giggles and shakes her head. (you learn to hate those little giggles that feel like gunshots to your heart)
"You truly think it's easy like that? That you could just dump me and then rush over and to knock her off her feet?" she idly asks, her dark eyes alight with interest. When she spots the confused look on your face, however, she sighs. "Joshie, joshie...Don't you see? She's never going to break up with him! They're perfect for each other. Sure, she tells you she's through with him...But I can assure you his relationship status will be back to 'in a relationship' by tomorrow. Aw, don't look that sad...She does love you, she does. She just loves him more." (each word is like a slap across the face and you wonder how she can do it, how she can stand to hurt people's feelings and not be touched in the least.)
-x-
"Hey Josh, it's me...Claire. Look, I'm so sorry, but I'm going to keep dating him. For now, at least. I know it's hard to understand but I love him. I truly do."
Beep.
(2) More Voice Messages from Claire
-x-
So once again, for the second time, it's just you and the dust that once was Claire, alone and choking up the remains of what could have been. And it comes back to haunt you in your sleep, night after night, a flurry of would-have-beens and blonde hair and malicious giggles. And you learn to accept it, eventually, because every time he does something she comes running back to you, and every time she forgives him - but it's those stolen moments in between relationships, where she can kiss you and you can hold her without feeling guilty, it's those moments that make it worthwhile. (you try to ignore how every time it gets a little bit harder to take her back, or how the pain increases after she's gone)
-x-
And so it's all the other things, Alicia and the loneliness and the pain - it's all those things that make up the black in your nightmares, night after night.
//and you've almost used up all the colors to paint the bigger picture, they're all gone but one//
-fin-