Author's Notes:
Hey guys! I just wanted to say thanks a lot to all those who left reviews, they really keep me going! Sorry for updating so late, but this chapter was definitly the hardest to write, not really because of its content, but because I'm having a hard time trying to express in english things that come to me in my mother tongue; I usually spend more time the nose in the dictionnary than in front of my page! (About that, thanks for your review, acwgb, you'll see I have been careful about 'lose' this time ;-) ). Nothing happens much in this chapter but I just wanted to clarify Sev's state of mind at present, which will be important to his evolution in the future. Oh well, to hell with this, here comes the third part!
Choices and Abilities (Part III)
"There — almost. No, just a little bit more of pomegranate juice — there you go."
The whisper of his voice sounded great in Lily's ear.
They were sitting around a cauldron in the cold dungeon and, as usual, Severus was helping Lily with her potion; he had discovered some ways, he had told her, to make potions better and quicker than the book. He would always finish his potion about half an hour before everyone else, scribble new things in his book, covering its instructions…
Lily was amazed at how gifted for this he was, and she would always ask him to give her tips.
"Now, counterclockwise twice."
She did. The potion took a wonderful silver colour, almost translucent, with shades of green and blue waving over the surface.
"Well, Miss Evans, that's just fabulous!" Professor Slughorn was standing in front of her cauldron, a wide smile across his face, his ham-like hands clapping into each other vividly. "And that'll be another twenty points for Gryffindor! Fabulous, fabulous!"
"Well done, Evans," Potter said, "you're so bright. I mean it, I don't know anyone who could have —"
But already Lily had stopped listening; her eyes were now turned on Severus, who looked a little embarrassed.
"Congrats," he said in a melancholy manner.
"Thank you Sev," she said. "This is absolutely stunning. I'm really sorry I stole points from you though."
"Oh, don't mind that, you know Slughorn already awarded me enough points for a life-time," he said with a smile, "that wouldn't be fair for you Gryffindors if I didn't help once in a while…"
Lily pinched him.
"You're laughing but you know, that time where I sat with Joyce…"
He looked down to avoid her glance — he was still uncomfortable talking about their row.
"Well, we were completely lost. I mean, not exactly lost — Slughorn did say my potion was the best — but I panicked, and I wish you'd been there to help me, you know?"
"I was there," he replied, still looking down. "But I messed up my potion anyway. I've got to say, Avery is not the best you could hope for — I mean, you should have seen how he cut those roots…"
Lily giggled; the only times Severus was getting talkative was when you mentioned Potions, or, she sighed, Dark Arts. Otherwise, he'd stay withdrawn, listening with attention, but he barely talked at all; she had always thought he was very insecure, maybe because of this dreadful education his parents had given him. He had trusted her with many things about his family, and she'd always keep her mouth shut about it, but she would have liked to talk more, to know more… then again, whenever the topic of the conversation was driving outside magic (or, from time to time, James Potter), he was more of a listener and didn't enjoy talking private life much.
"Er — Lily? Hello?"
"What? Oh, sorry," she said, pink in the face. "You were saying?"
"Never mind."
Half of the class had not finished their potions yet; Slughorn was constantly passing through the rows, frowning when someone had done something wrong, spilling out little noises expressing contentment, that slightly reminded Lily an old dog, when someone had done something right.
"Anyway," she said, feeling that she should express gratitude, "I don't know what I'd do without you really. You are so much more gifted than I am…"
"What? No way! It's not true. You're as gifted as I am really! You just have a lack of —"
She raised her eyebrows. Severus hesitated.
"— of confidence."
There was a short pause, and then Lily started laughing.
"I'm sorry, did you say I had a lack of «confidence»?"
He was obviously disconcerted by her reaction.
"Yeah, what's so funny about that?"
Lily replied, with her ironic tone: "Did you, Severus Snape" — he was not used to be called by his full name, which sounded very odd at the moment — "the most un-self-confident boy I ever knew, tell me that I had a lack of confidence?"
"Oh, so that's what funny," he grumbled, then he looked over his shoulder and saw that James Potter, struggling with a mud-coloured, paste-looking liquid (could it even be called a potion?), had currently turned over to see what Severus and Lily were up to, alarmed by the sound of her laugh.
"Look, I'm just joking," she said abruptly, "but still — it's like you're making Potions the way you should live your life."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean — well, you know —"
"No, I don't, actually." His voice was calm and low, but somehow different than usual.
"I mean, here, in this room, in front of your cauldron, you are wild, passionate, your eyes are shining with pleasure, you smile, you even make jokes sometimes and, you're like the master of it. The leader. Sort of a hero. Nothing goes wrong when you're making Potions. Nothing…"
Severus was listening; he held his breath.
"And, what's more, no one can hurt you. That's what makes you different," she said, glancing at James. "Well, what I mean is that, anyone who would look at you here and now would see that you truly and completely enjoy it. I just wish you would enjoy life that much," she said, her voice shaking. She was worried she might have said too much, and annoyed him.
"I enjoy life when I'm with you." He wanted to say it, so badly; but he didn't. Fear and embarrassment were tightening him like a pair of pliers. He was not James Potter, he couldn't afford to ask her out every night! Nor could he afford to tell her that he had loved her ever since he had laid eyes on her, so many years ago, when she was still unaware of her abilities and used to play with rocs and flowers, changing their shapes, amazed, her eyes shining with pleasure, her hair whirling in the wind, whenever she was swinging on that little wood plank... But then again, he was not James Potter. He was not a big Quidditch hero, a popular joker, he had barely any friends at all, he wasn't handsome, or confident, or funny, and had no special abilities…
He hated himself. He hated himself for what he was, and he hated himself for what he wanted to become.
Wild, passionate, making jokes… A leader. Sort of a hero. James Potter.
There was only one thing that he shared with James Potter, and oddly, that happened to be also the only thing he was ever proud of. Only with him, it was truer, purer, and more genuine that with the other one; and that was the love they both carried for Lily.
James Potter, despite his many and varied allusions on the topic, didn't really "love" Lily Evans. He worshiped her like a trophy, something you have to fight for because it's nice to have it shining on your shelf, and it makes you glorious; but he didn't deserve her. He knew nothing, absolutely nothing about her. He thought he loved her for what she was, but how could he? He did not know what she was.
Yet the more she would repulse him, the more he'd try and conquer her, because he was a fighter.
And he always got what he wanted, eventually. If he ever found a way to… what will he do after one date? Once he gets tired of her? He was indeed very good at conquering things — not at keeping them. He will throw her away like a hackneyed tissue. He'll find another trophy. Something else to fight for. Something more valuable, something new... he'll look for a change, like his pal Sirius Black did twice a week.
But he… Severus… he was not James Potter. He did love her. Truly, honestly, with all his heart, and soul, and power, and most importantly, for ever. And that what James Potter will never understand. For ever.
He was not James Potter.
He was not James Potter.
He was not —
"Severus?" Lily asked shyly, worried that he might have been offended by her frankness.
"James Potter. I am not James Potter," he said. Aloud. Holly crap.
"I beg your pardon?" She looked utterly bemused.
He did not know what to answer. His heart was beating wildly.
"And… time's up!" Slughorn yelled to the class, breaking the awkward silence that stood between them.
"I know you're not Potter, Sev! You've been Confunded, lately, or what?"
Suddenly, a voice appeared behind their backs; Potter and his mates were on their way to the door but they had stopped next to where Lily and Severus were sitting.
"Do my ears deceive me, or are you talking about me behind my back?" he snarled to Lily, and then he turned to Sirius and Remus, who were standing behind him, looking both extremely blasé. "She can't get enough of me, can she? Obsessed with me, I tell you," and then he gave a high-five to his mates. Remus rolled his eyes, and they were off.
"Well, that straightens the thing out," she said, and, smiling to Severus, "you're definitely not James Potter, if you ever doubted it. You're far more distinguished. Shall we go?"
Severus nodded, but while packing his bag, his head was totally in the clouds. The fact that she'd rather stay with the pathetic loser he thought he was than join the cool gang of brave Gryffindors who praised her meant everything to him.
He felt guilty about having doubts about her earlier, because now he was sure.
He felt relieved.
Yet guilty: he had underestimated her brightness, her intelligence.
But no longer jealous: he was not James Potter? So what. He was proud.
There was no way Lily Evans would ever end up with James Potter. Ever.
And to him, that just meant the whole world.