Teaching Respect.
By C S Sinclair.
Chapter Two.
They were laughing! A brief surge of panic was replaced with a wave of relief, as Fujin realised that as far as she could tell, they all seemed to be laughing at her joke and not actually at her.
She was glad of this, seeing as how she'd worked hard on that joke (well, it had been more like an amusing observation), going over and over it for the last day or so. She'd told herself a hundred times to just forget it and take the lesson normally. But she'd done it and succeeded... or had she?
Glancing up at the clock on the wall, over the heads of her students who were settling into their seats, she was seized with the fresh concern that she'd used it too soon. Getting through the final lesson of the day was always difficult, especially on days like today, when she had so much to look forward to.
Beforehand, she'd been very clear with her intentions for her witticism. She'd planned for it to ease the tension in this final impediment to her evening, help her through what would undoubtedly be an hour that seemed to last forever.
She'd also saved it specially, so if it had been badly received and they laughed at her feeble attempts at social interaction, she wouldn't be saddled with people whispering and sniggering about it all day afterwards.
But the expectation had been too great and now she'd just blurted it out in the first few minutes, wasting it completely!
Ruing this stupid waste of such a meticulously planned lifeline, she sagged slightly in her seat. Why was she always so hopeless at this kind of thing?
'Miss?'
Looking up, she saw her star pupil – a red headed girl named Cassie - standing up politely behind her desk. Her tension eased slightly at this, as Cassie was well behaved and unlikely to cause any trouble.
'SPEAK' she answered, trying her best to sound friendly.
'I was just wondering if you wanted me to hand back the assignments. You said to remind you if...' the girl replied crisply, politely leaving off the 'if you forgot' from the end of her sentence.
'GOOD – HERE' Fujin nodded, trying to shake herself mentally and get back on track, beckoning her forwards.
As she retrieved the stack of marked essays from her drawer however, she could sense that two people had approached her desk. Oh, not again...
Cassie had been swiftly joined at the front by Jerold, another of her standout pupils. Competitors at just about everything from debate clubs to amateur wrestling, the two of them seemed to thrive on combating the other.
And sure enough, just like opposing lawyers approaching the bench, they started up almost immediately.
'Miss, I don't want to make an issue of this...' began Jerold quietly.
'JEROLD...'
'Then go sit down, why don't you?' interrupted Cassie, hands half reaching for the essays.
'CASSIE...'
'But I'm sure I remember Miss Fujin asked me to hand back the papers, last lesson!' Jerold finished, cutting right back in.
'DO... WILL...'
Looking past them at the clock, Fujin sighed helplessly as her two normally composed star students hissed viciously back and forth at each other. She'd probably never understand relationships...
'HALF... HALF... DISTRIBUTE!' she ordered finally, splitting the pile into two and fixing both with a glare that she prayed would convey her message of 'Thank you, but enough already!'
Calming down somewhat, they accepted their tasks and after carefully checking both had even numbers of essays (which even Fujin could see was just an excuse to try and see each others' marks), they headed off up the aisles, shooting sideways glances all the while.
Pushing the confusing issue of how these two could possibly be seeing each other, she took one final look at the clock. Not for the first time, she wondered at how they managed to engineer school models to run so much slower than those in the outside world, before turning her attention to the class.
Looking around the rows of faces contorting in various masks of happiness and dismay as they scanned their essays, she saw that some of her students were taking their results quite badly. Some of them looked truly upset – perhaps she should say something comforting... not her strongest suit.
'STANDARD GENERALLY ACCEPTABLE' she began, standing up and looking around at her downcast pupils with what she hoped was a sympathetic face (as opposed to her natural frown).
'NEW TOPIC ALWAYS DIFFICULT – MISTAKES INEVITABLE' she continued, wondering if she should in fact be the one receiving this lecture, rather than giving it. 'CONTINUE TO DO BEST - WILL BECOME EASIER' she finished.
She hoped that was true. Standing here in front of the students, she often wondered exactly how much they knew about her. That she was far from a regular teacher, placed here instead as a kind of punishment to give something back to those she had wronged?
Of course, they weren't usually the same people who were here during the... during the raid. But some of those students were still here, so they must have heard, surely? Did they talk about her behind her back... did they hate her for what she'd done?
Her fears that they might not be remotely interested in what she had to say, seemed unfounded however. Many of the faces actually seemed to cheer up and the anxious mood that the essay results had generated, seemed to ease off slightly. (Cassie and Jerold both gave approving smiles, forgetting even to scowl when they caught each other doing this).
Fujin felt quietly pleased with herself at this. She had found to her great surprise, that she had very quickly become unexpectedly fond of most of her students. It was equally surprising to her to realise she actually did care about them liking her too.
Forcing herself not to look up at the clock and stay focused on her student's needs, she picked up the textbook they were currently studying – 'Unforgettable GF theory ' and asking for volunteers, selected a candidate to read aloud.
As the rustling of pages and generally contented whispers filled the room, she sat down, taking slow, measured breaths. It's going okay... don't look at the clock... probably about 45 minutes to go...
'Guardian Forces or GFs as they are otherwise known, are an essential component of the Balamb SEED program' began her selected pupil. 'These creatures' fantastical and often frightful appearances have caused many to question the wisdom and safety implications of the Balamb Garden faculty's decision to allow vulnerable and impressionable young people to consort with these beings.'
Had to concentrate... She wondered idly what she would be wearing when they met, later...
'The newest cause for concern has been the startling revelation that channelling, also referred to as 'Junctioning' GFs, leads to eventual loss of long term memory. For a time, this seemed as if it would spell the end for the use of GFs, as several powerful lobby groups argued that the risks were simply too great.'
Would she sit opposite her or next to her? Either was fine really, just so long as she was close...
'A breakthrough was achieved when after lengthy conversations with some of the more intellectual (and less capricious) GFs, it was discovered that lasting connections could be made without junctioning. Provided the GF and host were of compatible temperament (whether competitive or caring), it was found that limited forms of contact and transference of powers (see Chapter on 'Magic') were still possible...'
'Miss?'
She'd probably be wearing that long skirt again – a new look, but it suited her so well and...
'Miss Fujin?'
Snapping out of her reverie, she looked over to see Cassie had her hand raised. Suppressing an annoyed frown at being jogged out of what had been a very promising daydream, she nodded her approval for the girl to speak.
'It's just that listening to this, I wondered if you'd be willing to show us an example' Cassie asked politely, but with an undercurrent of 'I have inside knowledge' excitement.
Horrified, Fujin opened her mouth to object, but before she could say anything, Cassie had turned to face her intrigued classmates (most notably Jerold).
'Miss Fujin has one of these connections to Lord Pandemona – a powerful Wind GF!' she explained, in a proud voice, to murmurs of equally excited interest from the class, who all turned to face her.
Fujin shot to her feet, her mind reeling with shock, anger and fear as several pupils joined their voices in requesting a practical demonstration.
'That sounds so cool – show us, Miss!'
'Can you really – can we see?!'
'You can summon a GF that powerful, whenever you want to – that's amazing!'
'SILENCE!' she shouted, causing the murmurs and hub-bub to die at once.
'GOSSIP UNACCEPTABLE!' she raged at her shocked class. 'CONNECTION NEGLIGABLE – DEMONSTRATION IMPOSSIBLE!' she finished definitely.
Clenching her fists and forcing herself to calm down, she looked up at the clock. Still half an hour and the situation had gotten bad... what was she going to do?
'But... but Mr Raijin said...' Cassie began with a choking voice, tears running down her face (she was clearly unused to being shouted at by teachers).
'ENOUGH!' shouted Fujin, pointing furiously at Cassie, before she realised what she was doing. No sooner had her hand gone up, than several papers flew violently in the air, books and a lamp falling noisily to the floor as the desk groaned and heaved away from her a couple of inches.
Utter silence filled the room, as people gaped in awe at what they had just seen. Fujin was frozen on the spot for a moment, before withdrawing her hand quickly. Cassie was similarly dumbstruck, looking over at Jerold, who rose and hurried over to put his arm round her.
As for the rest of the class... looking from face to face, group to group, Fujin could feel the panic rising inside her. Every shocked face, every whisper... What were they thinking about her, what were they saying about her? That it was all true about her; that she was a traitor, a criminal... a monster...
Looking up the clock in a haze, she tried to will it forwards. She needed to get out of here... she needed...
Just as she about to bolt however, the class suddenly rose to its feet as one. Looking around in dazed confusion, Fujin bit back a scream.
'I'm not interrupting am I, Miss Fujin?' Xu asked politely, standing in the doorway, smiling with a warm greeting.
Her eyes sparkling with passionate intellect, possessed also of a vibrancy that told of a good, caring soul, Xu was as always a sight to take the breath away. With her hair she was growing out longer and wearing an authoritative but elegant blackish blue dress, she was a vision of order and beauty.
If she looked around, she had the strongest impression that the clock had stopped on the wall...
There were so many things raging in her mind that she should be thinking about. What had just happened could have so many implications, but all she could think about was whether Xu had seen it. Would she be angry... had she just thrown everything away?
'I... CLASS... WE...' she stammered frantically, trying to see a way out of this, thrusting her hands behind her back in an attempt to 'conceal the weapon'.
Xu couldn't have seen what had happened – it just wasn't fair, if she had! Since she'd returned to Balamb, talking with Xu, having the support of someone so gentle and understanding... just being allowed to sit and be with someone who seemed to care... it was all that had been keeping her going!
Her time with Xu was so precious to her. It couldn't end over something like this - her heart would break... she'd have nothing left. And she'd wanted to tell her, so so badly... tell her she...
'Fujin, are you feeling okay?' Xu asked with deep concern, coming forward towards her.
Fujin held up a hand weakly to stop her, trying to think of something to say.
'Miss Fujin was just teaching us about modern GF theory' came a voice from behind her.
Looking over, she saw Cassie had recovered her composure. Sitting next to her still, Jerrold nodded expansively, at her words.
'It's been a very interesting lesson... hasn't it, guys?' he added rather forcefully, looking around at the rest of the class.
Most were still bewildered, but a good number managed to nod and look encouragingly at her. Fujin wondered if they were simply too shocked to say what they really felt...
'Oh...well, I won't keep your teacher long, in that case!' Xu replied, turning back to face her with a slightly puzzled smile. 'Could I have a word outside, please, Miss Fujin? That is if your students can bear to be parted from you, for just a second?'
The class seemed to relax as Xu spoke – it was impossible not to be swayed by Xu, as Fujin knew full well. It was hard enough just remembering there were other people in the room at all, under her gaze.
Nodding awkwardly, Fujin stepped out from behind her desk and walked out after her, feeling a riot of sensations too complex to fathom. All she could concentrate on was Xu's elegant figure as she stepped back to let her by, the tenderness of her smile... and how this wasn't how they were supposed to meet today...
It just wasn't fair!
Stepping into the corridor, she looked up and down and seeing it was empty, decided to try and head off trouble before it started. Wringing her hands, she turned to where Xu was closing the classroom door and stated her case as best she could.
'INSPECTION UNNANNOUNCED - POSSIBILE ILLEGALITY OF PROCEEDINGS' Fujin began, pressing on despite Xu shaking her head in protest.
'No, you don't under...'
'NEW... SITUATIONS ALWAYS DIFFICULT – MISTAKES INEVITABLE' Fujin ad-libbed, saying whatever came into her mind to try and save the situation. 'CLASS AND TEACHER ON AMICABLE TERMS – LAUGHED AT HER JOKE EARLIER!' she added with a triumphant note.
'Fujin, please; I'm not here for an inspection!' Xu answered; coming forward with her hands raised in supplication. 'You're in charge, here' she continued, motioning to the classroom. 'You know I trust you with my students and I never doubted you'd win them over', she added in a genuine tone that left Fujin quietly awestruck.
Unable to find any words to answer this unexpected praise, Fujin simply stood dumbly, trying to remember how to activate her vocal chords. Being around Xu made her feel so calm and protected; that she always got so nervous... which didn't make any sense, now that she thought about it.
When she offered no reply, Xu gestured towards the stairs down to the ground floor. As she did this, she also took another step forward...
'I was passing and I just thought I'd stop by to check we were still on for this evening – our... well, you know I don't like calling it counselling, but...'
'EAGER!' Fujin blurted out suddenly, feeling her whole body turn bright red with embarrassment. Fighting to recover her composure (and trying to avoid being mesmerised by Xu's delighted smile), she quickly added 'VALUE XU'S SUPPORT... DID NOT MEAN TO SNAP...'
'Well I wouldn't say you snapped' argued Xu lightly, 'You felt I was snooping is all, and...'
'BUT XU ALWAYS WELCOME – ALWAYS!' Fujin insisted firmly.
It was Xu's turn to blush now – perhaps she had been a bit forward? Inwardly she sighed – why did she always put her foot in it like this? Xu had done something nice and she'd embarrassed her.
'I... I just really want this to work' Xu replied, her voice barely above a whisper, but sending a thrill of electricity through Fujin's body.
She could only nod her vigorous agreement to this – if she tried anything more strenuous, she had no idea what she might do. It felt like her body was being pulled to Xu's... longing to be in her arms.
At that point, the door to the classroom opened and Cassie stepped out. She opened her mouth to say something, but looking from one to the other, she abruptly turned to head back in.
'I just... I'm sorry' she mumbled over her shoulder, before she disappeared back inside. Had she been smiling?!
Frowning with irritation at this interruption, Fujin was dismayed to see that several staff members had also entered the corridor at the far end. Xu was facing away looking towards these newcomers, so she couldn't see her expression.
Could she be wrong about this... could she really admit to herself about the way she was feeling? Her old familiar paranoia reared up inside her, suggesting Xu was just doing her job, making sure she kept informed about a potential security risk like her... but it couldn't just be that – it couldn't!
Unable to muster the courage to find out, she moved towards the door, too afraid of seeing anything that might confirm her pessimistic appraisal. Just as she was reaching for the handle however, she felt Xu's hand almost but not quite brush her arm.
'I'll come get you after class, okay?' she enquired softly. Fujin gripped the handle tight, longing to turn round, but unable to find the courage. 'We'll go talk in the cafeteria again, okay? It's nice and... relaxing there, isn't it?' she added.
Fujin was almost certain she had meant to say 'public'... Oh, why couldn't she turn round?! She could feel Xu's hand hover near her, before pulling back.
'I'm not rushing you – take all the time you need. I'll wait' she added.
And with that, Fujin heard the sound of her footsteps moving slowly off down the corridor... She could still look – she was sure Xu would be looking back... but she couldn't do it.
When the footsteps had finally receded, she felt an angry revulsion towards herself welling up inside. Why should Xu care about her – what right did she possibly have to deserve something so wonderful happening to her?!
She was gripping the door handle so tightly, she felt she may wrench it off at any second. Looking at the door, she thought of the anger she had felt in the classroom just now, remembered the cries that had echoed through these halls just a year ago...
She was no good to anyone and Xu would be bound to find that out, before long. It was monstrous of her to even hope for this. She should just leave now, before...
But it was so intoxicating just to be around her. She was so calm and ordered; she knew exactly what to do and what to say... she was perfect in every respect. She wanted that feeling she had around Xu to last all the time. She didn't want to be on her own and feel this sad anymore...
Eventually, she straightened up and, composing herself. Opening the door, she entered the classroom and without looking at her students, sat down at her desk and pulled the textbook towards her.
She'd go to the cafeteria with Xu as planned, she decided. But she'd stick to how she was coping with work, that sort of thing. She couldn't let Xu get too close, no matter how she felt - she couldn't stand the thought of disappointing or hurting her, like she did with everybody else.
Taking a deep breath, she looked up. The class were silent and the air was heavy with uncertainty. She could only imagine what they thought of her now. Cassie and Jerrold's eyes were down on their books.
'VOLUNTEER TO READ – FROM WHERE LEFT OFF?' she asked in as neutral a tone as she could.
After a brief pause, Cassie's voice sounded out. Perhaps it was for the best that things stayed as they were.
Yes, they'd sit, maybe eat a little. She'd tell Xu how she was feeling in general, offer some advice... Then Xu would lean over, her hair falling around her beautiful, beautiful face and so quietly, so gently, she'd close her hand over hers...