A/N: Merry Christmas!
Send Me An Angel: Chapter 5
Sakura's eyes fluttered open as the sunlight peeked through the window on the opposite side of the room. The golden light spread across the floor in an awkwardly slanted rectangle. She pulled herself up and sketched.
"Good morning."
She nearly jumped at the sound disrupting the peaceful silence. Turning her head gave her an answer as to where the sound had come from. She smiled apologetically at the masked man next to her. "Morning."
Kakashi looked away from her, "Sorry about last night. You shouldn't have had to see that."
She noticed that she was still in his bed. At this point it really didn't matter. She had spent the better part of the night holding him until his trembling had calmed down and he had finally been able to fall asleep. "Don't worry about it. I'm glad I could help."
He didn't answer. He didn't know anyway to explain to her that he didn't want her to have this responsibility. It was bad enough that she had witnessed him in that state. It only made it worse that she had been the one to take the problem on as her own. He finally sighed. "Don't."
"What?"
"Don't try to help. I can handle it."
She didn't speak for a moment, only staring at him in disbelief. He called last night handling it? She knew at that moment that every single time she had thought him crazy had been proven true with just four words. 'I can handle it.' Ridiculous.
"You can't be serious."
"I am. It's not an issue that you need to concern yourself with. It's my..."
"Burden," she finished for him. "But it isn't one you have to endure alone."
He was again left without a way to answer. He had always suffered alone, it had always seemed like the right thing to do. He wouldn't drag someone else into his mess. Was she asking for it?
"Sakura...why?"
She wrapped her small hands around one of his and gently squeezed. "Because I care. We're in this together."
"No." Suddenly he knew how to answer. "You aren't going to get yourself into this madness."
"Do you think I can just stand by after last night?"
He flinched.
"Kakashi, it doesn't matter anymore. This madness is-"
"You shouldn't have seen that," he repeated. "It's not your problem. Stay out of it."
He got up and left, leaving her shocked. He really doesn't understand, she thought. He couldn't. What she had seen, what she had felt last night, had no equal. She didn't know how those pills made him like that, all she did know was that the next time she got a chance to deliver a message to Tsunade she was taking it. This wasn't something that could be left forgotten in the back of her mind. She would see that picture of pure fear in his eyes every time she saw him.
How did Tsunade expect her to be able to stand this?
--
She walked slowly to the kitchen, her mind elsewhere. Naruto's cheerful greeting and overly happy attitude wasn't enough to distract her. Her thoughts were set on Kakashi as she fixed herself something for breakfast. He was still there, shaking with fear in her mind, as she sat down to eat. His unsteady voice so clear to her that she felt like she was reliving last night's experience.
She stopped when she was halfway done with her food, no longer able to choke it down.
She was worrying again. Against everything that screamed at her to be pissed at him, she was worrying. She dumped what was left of her meal, then walked towards the back door. She had no idea where Kakashi was right now, but it didn't matter. She wanted to sit up in his giant tree and wallow in suppressed pain for a few hours.
He wasn't there. She was grateful for that. She wasn't sure how she would have reacted to him right now, if forced to face him. She was leaning towards the thought that she might have gone back to her room, but some other small part of her pulled her towards the idea that she would have tried to talk to him. It would have been stupid. Kakashi won't avoid her, she was relatively sure of that. He would just act normal. That was his way.
Her way was a little bit different. She would follow his lead, but she knew that she would be right back in the same position tomorrow. Tonight he would suffer through that same agony that tormented him. She wasn't sure how it worked. Maybe he dreamed of the thing that scared him so.
She jumped to a mid branch and leaned against the rough bark of the trunk. Dreams. Nightmares sounded more like it. But what could possibly scare him that bad? He is the Hatake Kakashi. He's strong and brave and...
She still felt like crying for him. It was a feeling that wouldn't go away.
Why was this happening? Had it always happened to him? A feeling of pure rage shot up through her at that thought. Why would anyone put him through that? He protected everyone he could, unless you were unfortunate enough to be his enemy. But right now it was his comrades, his commander, putting him through this. She still couldn't find the right words to describe it. She was beginning to settle on 'Kakashi's torture.' That sounded about as realistic as everything else in this place.
Sakura knew that she had a bad temper, she knew that better than anyone else, but she also knew that sometimes her temper had justification. There was a reason for it. At least with Kakashi there always had to be. She couldn't get mad at him without a rational excuse. If she did, and when she did, he always found a way to make her look like an idiot. And as frustrating as that was, she still couldn't stop herself from feeling what she felt now.
She felt pity, and worry, and pain. It wasn't her pain, but somehow it became hers. After going through that, after witnessing him in that condition, she couldn't sit back and act like nothing was wrong. How could he expect her to do that? She knew that Kakashi had always preferred to go solo, he like to work alone, but this was ridiculous. She won't resign herself to sitting through this like it was normal. Her decision was made. But...was this normal for him? An indescribable feeling sunk into her chest.
She couldn't stay up here any longer. If she did this feeling would only get worse with the thoughts that were sure to come next. She jumped down, not bothering to glance over at the dogs lounging around the shed to her left. It didn't matter. The beauty of this place no longer held any meaning. Kakashi's pain was all that was left, and she had to stop it.
She heard a chuckle come from behind her. After turning around she could honestly say that she wasn't surprised to find him standing there. Even as a Jounin she still couldn't sense Kakashi when he wanted to be sneaky. "What do you want?"
He pouted. "So harsh."
She sat down on what perhaps could have been the lowest branch that his tree had, it was the closest to her. She waited for him.
His smile warmed but didn't falter, it only lost its obvious amusement. "It's not that bad you know. I've dealt with it before."
So he had had time to compose himself. Wonderful. Now he as going to try to convince her of what he wanted her to believe, and then leave it at that. She lowered her eyes, staring at a patch of dark green grass. She waited for more. It would be best to let him get out everything he had planned and then get back at him when he had nothing left.
He knelt down. "It's nothing you need to worry about. I'll be fine."
She bit her lip, trying not to say anything was turning out to be harder than she had originally thought. Why did he have to make it so hard by saying stupid things like that?
"It's just the pills and this house. That's all."
Apparently he hadn't prepared much. "But Kakashi..."
But then again neither had she.
He cocked his head to the side, that soft smile still there. "Yes?"
She looked up. His dark eye seemed endless, and the curve of his face so gentle. She really hated that mask. "Why do you have to go through that? What could you have possibly done to deserve it?"
"Even for a shinobi he isn't quite normal." Tsunade's words only supported her right now.
He shook his head. "I don't know. Maybe it's punishment for everything I've done, or maybe it's just bad luck. I have to go through it because there isn't any way around it. That's just all there is to it."
Punishment. That would be replaying itself in her mind almost as much as the scene of his torture. "All there is to it? But Kakashi, there has to be a reason for it. Things like that don't just happen regularly."
He grinned. "Since when have I ever been regular?"
Sometimes she could really hate him. She knew she couldn't win right now. He was persistent and could force you to do what he wanted anyway. "Never," she admitted giving in.
He looked at her for a moment. "You don't have to make this so hard. I just don't want Naruto getting worried too."
She would never know if that was an excuse or the truth, but she smiled. She smiled because either it was true, or at least he had gotten better at lying. "Yeah, I guess you're right. I just don't want you to think that you have to face it alone. I'm here. I can be there for you."
She could never understand. He knew she couldn't. He didn't want her to go through that, but when she kept offering like that he was so tempted to say thank you. He wanted her there, he wanted her to hold him and tell him everything was going to be ok. But it wasn't right. She wasn't supposed to do that. It wasn't her responsibility.
He sighed and stared down at a blade of grass swaying gently in the wind. "Thank you, Sakura, really. But please don't do this. It isn't part of your job. You don't have to."
"Is that what you think?" She sounded like someone had just punched her in the stomach. "Part of my job?"
He had to look up, but once he did he wished he hadn't. She looked hurt, like he had caused her this pain. Guilt ran through him when he realized that he had, it was his fault that she staring at him in disbelief and agony. "Sakura..."
Her eyes were sharp, almost glittering. "Kakashi, is that what you think?"
"I don't know."
"That isn't an answer."
This time she didn't receive a reply. He looked down.
"How many times have I told you that it was because I cared?" she asked, her voice a whisper. "Did you ever hear me?"
"Sakura, I-"
He couldn't finish. He couldn't understand why he was constantly at a loss of words when it came to her. He took a deep breath. "I didn't know what to expect. I still don't."
"Then don't try to guess. You did that before and none of it turned out right. Naruto and I, do we even resemble what you thought that we would? No," she could answer that because he had never thought that she would become great, never thought that she could really be strong. "Life isn't predictable."
He chuckled softly to himself. "If only you knew how true that is."
"Try me."
He smiled at her, happy to see that she wasn't as troubled as before. "Life always gives you things that you never even thought of. As a shinobi, the truth of it is magnified. I can't predict anything, I can just ready myself for what might be thrown my way."
He's sharing his infinite wisdom, she thought lightly. He always was, in some form or another. It just depends on how he decided to teach it that day. Direct or indirect doesn't really apply to him. He could say nothing or do nothing at all, have no connection with a subject whatsoever, and yet you learn something essential.
"From what I know, there's a lot that's been thrown your way."
He stood up. "Yeah, well what can I do about it? The only thing I can think of is 'Sit back and enjoy the ride, buddy.'"
She almost laughed, almost. If she hadn't seen him so scared of that ride then she would have. She pushed herself up to stand in front of him. "Just let me be there," she whispered, losing her courage faster than she would have liked. "Let me help."
Kakashi sighed, with a hint of annoyance in his voice, while shaking his head. "I don't want you to hurt. Why can't you see that?"
She was definitely surprised, not shocked, but still surprised. "Hurt?"
He stared down at her. "You know it's true. You can't stand seeing me like that, it's painful for you. I don't want you to have that pain."
He made it sound like something else. Like he was a bad guy with an angel girlfriend. He wanted to protect her, she knew that much. But perhaps this time he didn't know how.
"I don't care," she said more firmly. "I just want to help you through it."
He laughed again, but this time it made her feel insulted. "Sakura, I'm not going to get through it. It's never going to be over. As soon as I'm done healing and don't have to take those pills anymore then I won't wake up like that anymore. But as soon as I'm hurt again those pills will be waiting right there."
He didn't like them, that was clear. They hurt him and she could see that. He hated them. For some reason, one that she understood very clearly, she hated them too. Her anger towards them made no sense, as they were not living things, but it wasn't something she could control. They hurt him, therefore they were evil. "Damn pills," she muttered.
He found that amusing.
--
Sakura was slowly beginning to memorize the half of the house that was open to her. The halls, doors, cabinets, and furniture all looked vaguely familiar now. She could reach her destination, which was almost something to brag about. She cleaned what she could, not knowing exactly how Kakashi would want something so delicate and expensive cleaned. His answer had surprised her. He put it simple, like he always does.
"Wet a cloth and wipe it down."
As soon as he left the room she had laughed at him. He was so careless. Then she reminded herself that Kakashi really didn't care. He could have lived here, in this gorgeous house with it's wonderful views, but instead he picked a one bedroom apartment in the middle of Konoha. He was a simple man with simple needs. She knew that he didn't require much, and she also knew that he could live on whatever he needed to for whatever period of time necessary.
That's what made him so different. He could tolerate things that would put her in the hospital. He was well respected for it. Who wouldn't be? Kakashi's approval was something of a blessing. But he put too much on himself. He carried too heavy a weight on his shoulders. No one should have to handle all of that. He had pulled her hand to his chest last night, that told her enough for her to be sure that he wanted her there. It was just that he was stubborn and over protective.
He didn't want to hurt her. Tch, right. What about him? Wasn't he hurting so much more? He's a guy, and they don't think the same. They're hard headed and annoying. She could beg him to let her help him, and he would still refuse. Kakashi thought on a different level. Once he was focused and determined it was useless to try to persuade him into something else. He held his ground, which is more than she could say for most.
He had spoken of punishment, but what punishment was he referring to? Surely he hadn't done anything that would cause him to suffer like this. She thought back to everything she knew about him. Only one thing even began to make sense. He had said that he killed an entire village, children included. Could that be what he meant?
She paused mid stroke, staring down at the wet tiles beneath her. He blames himself. He feels guilty about what happened. She shouldn't be surprised. Kakashi feels guilty about so many things that it should just be considered part of his personality by now. That was sad though. Guilt being part of a person's personality is wrong. There are so many things that can help you make it up to them though.
Inner Sakura couldn't help herself. How can you make it up to someone who knows that you murdered their baby?
Sakura didn't know how to answer, and she wished that her alter ego had just kept her mouth shut. She could have lived without that thought.
If it had been her, then what would she do? In Kakashi's position she probably would have refused the mission. She knew that he didn't though; at least not to her knowledge. Kakashi demands more missions than anyone else can handle. He would never turn one down. But it sounded like this one was one that he would have crumpled up and threw at the Hokage. Strangely enough, she could picture him doing just that.
In the position of those villagers, she would hate him. She knew she would. If she had a child and he took him or her away to be killed, to do it himself, she could never forgive him. His apologies would mean nothing. They would be empty, void of any of the deep sorrow that she felt.
From her personal point of view, she knew Kakashi better. His pain was real. It was just as deeply carved into him as it was to them. The only difference is that they were dead as well, killed by his own hand. That must hurt him, sharper than a flesh wound ever could.
She shook her head, trying to ignore it. Kakashi's pain was one of types that could spread. It wasn't quite like Naruto's and Gaara's. Naruto wanted to prove to people that he was better than they thought he was. Gaara had just inflicted pain on those who caused his own. Eventually even that fierce redhead figured it out. The more pain that is caused, the less that is resolved. You can't expect to end your suffering by passing on that misery.
Kakashi's was like Sasuke's. It was one that they carried alone. Sasuke's pain was the loss of his family at the hands of his older brother, but what was Kakashi's?
It doesn't really matter, she decided. She loved him, and that's all she really needed to know. She would try to help him, even if he hated her for it. She couldn't stop herself. When she tried to remember last night she felt like balling up and crying. She would protect him, even if what she could do was limited.
She doubted knowing what was causing this would make any difference. Trying to comfort him with soft words and gentle hugs, that's all she could do. She sighed. Kakashi always made things so difficult, even when he was trying to make them simple.
--
Naruto whistled happily to himself in a tune that only he knew as he walked next to the side of the house. Sakura had been acting pretty weird lately, but hey, since when was anyone on this team not completely insane? He knew he rocked, at least he had that much. Sakura's temper was scary, so she had that. And yeah, Kakashi-sensei could act cool sometimes, but everyone knows he's a pervert.
Naruto kicked a rock with the toe of his shoe and watched it skid across the yard. That damn tree got in the way so he couldn't measure the distance properly. Why did every thing that Kakashi-sensei have want to challenge him?
First there was that mutt. The one with those really sharp teeth that never stops growling. Then it was those bed sheets when he was searching the room. And now it's a tree, a tree. Did he somehow train that too? Knowing Kakashi, Naruto doubted that there was anything the man couldn't do when he had his mind out of the gutter.
But, even if that tree hated him, he would not let it ruin his day. The sun was shining brightly above him and the wind was cool against his skin. Everything felt so perfect. It was peaceful, so wonderfully calm that even he couldn't scream to break the silence. This place was really something, he decided. It was like a dream. Even in his darkest hour Naruto would bet that he could find peace here.
Well, sorta. It would calm him down at least. He continued walking, slacking off his chores since what he did was going to be redone anyway.
Then he heard it. That evil noise that sneaks up on you when you're least expecting it. Barking.
Damn, he thought as he turned around to see what it was. It was him. That same stupid mutt. His fur was standing on end, his lips pulled back into a snarl, a deafening growl coming from his throat. He looked ready to kill. Naruto turned back around slowly. Damn, damn, damn, damn!
The sound of paws hitting the earth again was the gunshot to the race. Naruto took off, running as fast as he could. What the hell was going on? He knew he wasn't exactly nice to this dog, but did he honestly deserve this?
He felt teeth graze across his ankles. Shit, this dog is fast.
He could hear Sai now. "I'm gonna miss you, Dickless Wonder, I really am."
If anyone ever saw him it would be the end. No Hokage. None. That dream would be history. Who would want a Hokage who is scared of a puppy? He knew that he would argue it. Puppy my ass, was the only thought running through his mind.
He jumped towards the first door he could find, figuring that the house was his best bet. The dogs never came in the house. If he survived, he could brag that this saved him: his ninja skills of observation. Konohamaru would laugh. He tripped, but pushed himself forward. This was the finish line to the race. He dragged his feet inside the house's protective barrier.
To his surprise that mutt kept coming, jumping onto the floor and continuing his run. Naruto felt a quick flash of disappointment that the dog had gotten a headstart as well, but that feeling was replaced as soon as teeth snapped together where his head had been only a moment before.
He stumbled to his feet and ran. Something was seriously wrong with this dog. Maybe it had rabies or something. Yeah, that or Kakashi had fun with this one. He could picture it clearly. His sensei always did find it amusing to mess with the meaner ones. Look at Sasuke.
Naruto felt something snag on his foot, then he banged the back of is head against something hard, really hard. He could feel the blood rushing to his head. He forced his eyes open. Everything was upside down. "Fuck."
"Watch your language Naruto," Kakashi said. He stared down at his student, and Naruto could see the amusement glittering in that dark eye. "You should look where you're going."
Naruto looked at his ankle. There was a silver wire, usually used for trip wire, wrapped around his right foot. It hit him then, like a ton of bricks dropping on top of him out of nowhere. "You did this, you bastard!"
Kakashi grinned, "Payback's a bitch, isn't it?"
Naruto groaned.
--
Kakashi stayed for dinner that night, as Sakura had cooked his favorite dish. He turned around to eat, as always, but he was finished so fast that it didn't seem like it would have matter if he hadn't. He stayed with them while they ate. Naruto was suspicious. After what had happened earlier, who could blame him?
Kakashi had made it perfectly clear that not a word of what had happened was to be spoken. Naruto was forbidden to tell Sakura. Well, technically he could tell her, but Kakashi promised him that his favorite dog would be enjoying his company from that moment on. Personally, Naruto would rather die. He hated that thing. Of course, he could never tell Kakashi this. It's anyone's guess what would happen if he did.
"No training," Kakashi said. Naruto was surprised. Everything had just been so quiet.
"What do you mean?" Sakura asked carefully.
"You both make too much noise when you train, it might attract attention. You can still do exercises in your room, but that's what you're limited to. No super strength punches and no rasengans. Got it?"
Naruto felt like someone had just dropped a bomb on him. No training? Why not just kill him?
"I won't be training any more than you," he continued. "It's an order from Tsunade. We were sent here to keep a low profile, giant blasts might turn a few heads. The Akatsuki would be here faster than we could think to leave."
Kakashi held back a chuckle at Naruto's crestfallen expression.
"Yes sir," Sakura replied obediently. "And what about chakra meditation?"
Kakashi thought for a moment. "As long as it doesn't get farther than your room I will consider it regular exercise."
Naruto opened his mouth to say something but Kakashi beat him to it. "I don't want to hear it. No complaining."
"Fine."
Naruto had gone back to eating, ignoring Kakashi and Sakura's polite conversation. He didn't really care. They were having a talk about nothing. What was the point of eavesdropping on that?
Naruto leaned back in his chair. "Hey, Sakura?"
She turned to him. "Yeah?"
"Where were you last night? There was no one in your room this morning."
She had a fleeting moment of panic.
"She was helping me," Kakashi answered. "The dogs got riled up and were pretty noisy. They woke her up and she came out there to see what was going on."
"And?"
"There was a bear."
Naruto stared at Kakashi silently for a moment. "You're really bad at lying Kakashi-sensei."
"No, it's true," Sakura interrupted. "It had brown fur and was really big. I think the barking scared it off though."
Naruto turned his eyes back to her. "I didn't hear anything."
Kakashi got up. "Naruto, you wouldn't be able to hear anything less than two pots banging together right next to your ear."
If only that wasn't true, Naruto would have a case.
--
Sakura lay awake that night. She couldn't sleep. She knew that it was late, and she still hadn't heard a peep from Kakashi's room. She sat up and ran a hand through her messy hair. She felt exhausted, but maybe she might sleep better if she just checked on him. If she knew he was alright then she could sleep peacefully.
She slipped from her bed mutely, grabbing a pair of loose pants to wear. It was oddly cold. She left her door open as she went, it wouldn't matter, she was coming back anyway. She could make out Naruto's loud snoring, the sound of her footsteps so soft that it was bearly noticeable. She was worrying again, but she knew she would. What was surprising her was that she hadn't heard Kakashi's quick gasps or quiet cries.
His room was so easy to find, as she had memorized it just so she could be there faster when he needed her. For some reason she felt like an intruder right now. If he didn't need her, if he wasn't suffering right now, then wouldn't this be more like pestering?
She heard it, that soft whisper. It was so hard to even hear that she couldn't make out the words. She pushed the door open, not caring if he thought she was just butting in.
He was laying on his side, curled up with his hands gripping his sheets so tight that she could see the white of his knuckles. His eyes were clenched shut, his hair flying everywhere. He was still wearing his mask. She could only guess that it was because he knew she would come. He was trembling, predictably, but still painfully.
"No...please don't..." His voice sounded so broken, like he was crying. She saw no tears, but it still ripped her heart in two. A whimper escaped his lips, and she walked forward on unsteady legs.
"Stop," he begged, but she couldn't tell if he was speaking to her or not. "Please stop. Don't do it!"
"Kakashi..." She reached forward.
"No!" He jerked forward, sitting upstraight, his eyes wide. They were huge, like a child's. "Why?" he choked.
She stopped. "Kakashi?"
He looked up at her, a small flame of anger in his eyes that was overcome so greatly with fear. "N-no."
This was different, it wasn't like last night. He had been awake from the start the night before, but now she had seen him bearing the full weight of this pain. She sat down on the edge of the bed, but he pulled away. "G-go...please..."
The experience was so fresh, he hadn't had the time to compose any part of himself as he had last night. He was so unbearably hurt. She shook her head, "No, I'm staying. Don't you remember?"
She knew what he would say if he could. I remember telling you to stay the hell away, that's what.
She grabbed his hand, gently coaxing him into loosening his fierce grip on the blanket. He let go, and she held his hand in her own, rubbing it tenderly. He relaxed slightly, and she slid closer. "It's ok," she whispered. "I'm here, it's ok."
He laid his head on her shoulder and pulled her hand to press it against his chest. She could feel his heart racing in strong, quick beats. She used her other hand to rub his back, reciting comforts in his ear.
"Go," he said after a while. "Get out."
He only pressed her hand against his chest with more force, like he was telling himself no. He wanted her to stay, he just didn't know how to go about it.
She pushed him back, and the betrayed look he gave her almost made her jump forward to hold him. She laid down beside him, Kakashi keeping her hand against his heart. She used her other arm to prop herself up with her elbow, but her fingers ran through his soft hair, smoothing it affectionately. She began to hum, though she didn't know why she did. He snuggled closer to her.
She remembered a song her father used to sing to her as a child to put her to sleep. She would ask him to sing it over and over again, just listening to his voice. Thankfully, she remembered the words as well.
"Well everybody wants a little piece of my time
But still I put you at the end of the line
How it breaks my heart to cause you this pain
To see the tears you cry falling like rain"
She closed her eyes and rested her forehead gently on the side of his head.
"Give me the chance to prove
And I'll make it up to you"
She kissed the top of his head.
"I still believe in you
With a love that will always be
Standing so strong and true
Baby, I still believe in you," she laid down, her head falling on the pillow next to his, "and me."
He stared at her, his eyes full of wonder, even as his body shook in fear.
"Somewhere along the way, I guess I just lost track
Only thinking of myself, never looking back"
She smiled sadly.
"For all the times I've hurt you, I apologise
I'm sorry it took so long to finally realize
"Give me the chance to prove
That nothing's worth losing you-"
He pressed his forehead to her lips. "I don't need anyone telling me they believe in me Sakura," he said, and she took note that his voice was so much stronger, even if it was lower than a whisper.
She reached down to grab the dark blanket, pulling it over both of them. "I do." She'd always believe in him, but getting him to understand that he's worth believing in was so much easier said than done.
He pressed his cheek against her throat and closed his eyes. "Thank you...so much."
Sakura felt like crying again. She held her breath for a few long moments to help push that lump in her throat back down. Crying could only make this worse. She knew Kakashi well enough to know that he would bolt the door down to keep her out if he saw even a glimmer of a tear.
"It breaks down most of the walls he's built up over the years, and that allows his emotions to...make their presence known."
Tsunade's choice of words couldn't have been more accurate.
Kakashi squeezed her hand. "Are you ok?"
His voice was weak again, and she could barely stand hearing it. "That's what I should ask you."
He looked up at her, and she saw a similarity that she hadn't before. His eyes, huge and round, reminded her of a puppy that had been abused and tormented. That knot tightened in her throat, and she closed her eyes and swallowed to force it back down. When she opened her eyes, he was still staring at her.
"Sakura, you should leave."
He sounded like a child, a hurt, helpless child.
"No," she choked out, wrapping her spare arm around him and pulling him as close to her as she could. "I told you before, I'm not leaving. Don't try to talk me out of it. Don't tell me to get lost. Please, let me stay."
She felt him sob against her, but as she pulled back she could tell that it was one that refused the company of tears. "Fine," he breathed, shaking.
She waited for a few moments, his eyes holding her in place. His face crumpled in pain. His voice was so agonized and frightened finally broke through. "Sakura, don't leave me."
So she had been right, he didn't want her to go. He had been forcing himself to play the role of the strong leader, even when she knew that he had been breaking down. She pulled him back to her. After that, she knew she couldn't go, even if she wanted to. Her job, her obligations, her beliefs, they meant nothing. It couldn't even compare to how she felt when he said that to her. To watch his barrier be ripped from him, it was worse than when Sasuke had left her.
"It's going to be ok," she said over and over, to both him and herself. "Nothing's going to happen."
"But Sakura," he whispered, "it already has."
"What?"
He didn't answer. Even under this pressure, even going through this hell, Kakashi knew when to stop. He knew when he had said enough. He sobbed again, against his will. She held on to him tighter.
"Kakashi, I won't ask what's wrong, but I need you to trust me."
He was so grateful that she wouldn't call him sensei when they were together like this, it would have added humiliation to the pain. What did she mean by trust her? Of course he trusted her, he was letting her stay in here wasn't he?
He nodded, not trusting his voice.
She smiled, and it brightened a piece of his soul. There was a true joy behind it, a beautiful, innocent happiness. He wanted it to stay like that. He wanted that soft smile on her lips always. In his current state he would do anything to keep it there.
"Stay still," she commanded. She focused her chakra, sending it to her right hand. "This will only take a second."
He shut his eyes. "I believe in you too Sakura."
She felt her heart flutter.
He opened his eye just in time to see her radiant smile. A joy he couldn't remember feeling filled him.
She gently placed her hand on his forehead. This wasn't nearly as hard as recreating his gut. She was simply giving him back a piece of his composure. She was working to stop his shaking, though she couldn't do it completely. He would be able to talk at the very least.
She was done in a few moments. When he opened his eyes again they were the same strong, bored pair she was so used to seeing. He turned to her, "Hey."
"How do you feel?" she asked in concern.
"Better," he rolled onto his side to face her. "Thank you."
She sighed, relief washing over her. She wouldn't be able to do that every time, every night, but at least she could save him just this once. It was stupid really. It could mess up his recovery, but she had to. "Sakura, don't leave me." She shuddered. Anything but that.
She stared at him, not able to contain her smile. He was alright, and that was all that mattered to her right now. "I told you it would be ok."
He smiled at her for once, and it was like a light in the dark. "Yeah."
"Do you want me to leave?"
Please don't say yes, she prayed. Please. She wanted to stay with him so badly.
He didn't answer at first, and the wait was driving her insane. Finally she just sat up to go.
"No, Sakura, I don't. I don't want you to leave me."
He just had to use the words that broke her defenses. She took a deep, calming breath. "Then what do you want me to do?"
He couldn't answer. How could he ask her?
He ignored his basic communication methods and just weakly gripped her arm. She looked down at him, and he tugged gently. As soon as she fell back on the bed he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him. "Stay."
They lay like that for almost an hour. It was weird, but not uncomfortable. Him holding her so close was just surprising. It just didn't seem like something Kakashi would do. It must be the pills, he doesn't have as much control over his emotions. It would make sense that he would act more rashly.
She listened to his steady heartbeat. "Did they have a nurse stay with you in the hospital?"
He knew what she meant. Had anyone been given the job of comforting him?
"No," he answered softly. "Tsunade used to take care of me when it happened...when I was a child, but it just seems ridiculous to ask it of her now. She makes sure everything is alright though."
Sakura nodded. So this thing that tormented him, it was as real as any part of him. It must have occurred when he was very young since he said that it even burdened him when he was a child. "It's so unfair."
"Since when is life fair?" he asked as he hid his face in her hair, the sweet scent of it numbing to his sensitive nose.
Since when had he stopped feeling like a teacher? She guessed it happened when Naruto came back and they became equals. He was still the leader, that was obvious, but he was more of a friend.
"Oh, how did Naruto get a cut on his ankle?"
"Hm?"
"I healed him earlier today. It looked like something he might get from training, but I don't think that even Naruto would be able to do that to himself."
"Never thought it would take him that long to get out," Kakashi mumbled into her cherry locks. It shouldn't have taken him that long, not long enough for the wire to cut his skin.
"What?"
"Oh nothing," he sighed. "Naruto and I just had a little heart ot heart."
"About what?"
"Guy stuff."
She really didn't want to know how that tied into Naruto hurting his ankle.
"Don't do it again, ok?"
"Who said I did it?"
She shook her head slightly. "Just don't."
"It was his fault."
"It always is."
Kakashi chuckled, and she savored the deep rumble and slight shake of his chest.
"So what did he do to deserve that?" she asked curiously.
"Mud," was his annoyed answer. "Lots of mud."
Yay! Kakashi finally got his revenge, and he's not being so stubborn anymore. It's so hard to keep them in character, I'm still not sure if I'm doing it right. Oh, and the song is "I Still Believe In You" by Vince Gill. I listen to it almost every morning in the car, so you can see how it fit in so easily. The next few chapters are going to be a little hard to write, so they'll take a while. I really hope all of you have enjoyed this so far!