A/N: So sorry that it's been so long since my last update. This story just sort of got put on hold.
Send Me An Angel: Chapter 6
The next morning did not resemble the last. When Sakura woke up she knew where she was before she opened her eyes. She was warm and fuzzy, not yet entirely awake. Another difference was Kakashi. He wasn't up before her, and he wasn't telling her to stay away.
She stared at him. He looked so peaceful; so much younger than he usually did. He regularly made himself appear bored and indifferent, now he was tranquil. Soft silver strands that needed to be cut fell over his closed eyes gently. His breath came in a steady rhythm. He was an angel without a face. She was glad that the burdens he carried left him for a few hours. He deserved that much.
She smiled to herself, listening to the forest wake up outside the walls of this home. The soft noise caused Kakashi to stir. He lay still for a moment before his dark eye fluttered open. Its depth astounded her.
"Good morning. Did you sleep well?" she asked.
He turned to her and, even though she couldn't see it, she knew he smiled. "Great, thanks. Why are you up so early?"
She laughed quietly. "I'm not. The sun's already up, silly."
Kakashi looked around the room. When his eye came back to rest on her his smile was
still there. "I've never slept like that before."
"Maybe it's because you weren't so distracted and finally got a chance to actually sleep?"
"Maybe," he murmured vaguely as he got up and popped his back. She had never noticed how muscled he was. It made the vision of him trembling in fear even more surreal.
"Thank you."
"For what?"
He lay back down, apparently not wanting to start the day just yet. When he looked at her she felt her breath catch. His eyes had never been so warm. "For being there for me. For believing in me."
If only he knew how most people saw him. If only he could realize how protective she felt of him. "I wanted to," she whispered. "I still do."
He shut his eyes. Forming words to explain himself had never been his forte. Acting like something he wasn't, now that was something he could handle. When he opened his eye to stare back into hers the pure brightness of them stunned him to joy. He couldn't stop his smile. "I don't know how to say it."
"Say what?"
"Say how grateful I am. There are no words to describe it."
She wanted to pull him close; to hold him to her. She knew that she couldn't though, not
right now. He would have to be the one to make contact first. Her doing it, her holding him like that, would not be appropriate when he didn't need it. She smiled back at him sadly. "I wish there was more I could do."
His touch was so gentle as his strong fingers tucked a strand of pale pink hair behind her ear. "You've done more than enough."
She closed her eyes, leaning into his hand. He didn't pull away. "I'm so worried."
"About what?"
She looked at him seriously. "About you. About those nightmares."
She felt his hand flinch, such a small movement. He sighed. "I'm fine. Stop worrying so much."
She put her hand on his. "What are those dreams about?"
"How do you know it's dreams?" he asked playfully.
"I saw you, last night, when you were sleeping."
His eyes widened slightly, but then softened. "And?"
"It was so strong," she squeezed his hand tighter, "so painful."
"Did I say anything?"
"Do you usually?"
"Sometimes," he shrugged. "I'm not awake at the time so I can only tell you what Tsunade told me."
He had never been so open with her. In all the time she had known him never had he willingly given any information of his past. Being in his childhood home must be affecting him more than she had originally thought. She didn't want to be here. She didn't want him here.
"You kept asking someone to stop," she admitted. "You kept begging them."
He didn't show any reaction to this, and that alone intensified her worry. He sighed before turning his hand slightly to curl his fingers around hers. Then he smiled gently. "Don't burden yourself so much Sakura. You have Naruto to worry about, not me."
"Naruto's not in trouble right now." She couldn't believe he was actually trying to get rid of her again. "Why are you pushing me away?"
It sounded weird. That was definitely not something she had ever thought she would say to Kakashi, or rather ask. She saw a cloud of guilt cover his eyes as he ran a finger along the skin beneath her eyes.
"You're losing sleep because of this," he muttered. He sounded angry.
"I don't adjust well to new homes." Were the bags under her eyes really that noticeable? She cursed her rotten luck. Of course she would have to be on the team with the most stubborn people alive. It seemed like talent went hand in hand with stubbornness.
She watched him shake his head.
"It's pointless to lie to me," he told her. "I can see right through it."
If only that wasn't true. She wished none of this had happened. She wished Naruto had never had a demon sealed inside him. She wished Kakashi had never been hurt. She wished her team hadn't fallen apart. She wished she didn't know that wishes don't come true.
"Sakura?"
She hadn't really began crying had she? Please no.
"Are you ok?"
Damn it all. She wiped furiously at the tears. A ninja wasn't supposed to cry. When had she ever seen Kakashi shed a tear? When had she ever seen him even come close? The answer was as clear as day. Never. Even when Sarutobi died Kakashi had managed to look strong. It contrasted to violently with the man she had seen last night. "I'm fine."
He gently wiped a tear from her cheek with his thumb. When she looked back up to him she saw that depthless black gaze that stole her breath away. "It's going to be alright," he said confidently. "Nothing's going to go wrong. And I'll be fine."
"You've broken promises before."
As soon as the words left her mouth she regretted them. That black eye took on a sharpness that she was more used to seeing in battle. It pained to her to think that it was a defensive shield somehow. His hand began to inch away, but she held it tightly.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it," she whispered.
He wouldn't talk. She knew that. If there were ways to make Kakashi hurt worse she would take his pain as her own with joy that it wouldn't be his. She doubted he could ever forgive her for that. It wasn't his fault that Sasuke wasn't with them. It wasn't his fault that Naruto was being hunted. How could she possibly blame him? Guilt combined with the arrival of a heavy weight on her chest forced more tears out.
"Don't cry," he said, she thought it was almost teasingly. "I'm not mad."
Looking at him now she could see how selfless and courageous he really was. He was hiding his pain to stop hers. She didn't deserve it. Even so, she would be lying if she said that she wasn't grateful for it.
"Guilt doesn't suit you Sakura. You should be happy and grinning like an idiot right beside Naruto."
That surprised her. "What?"
She was again surprised, but to a further degree, when he pulled her in for a hug. "My team isn't dark Sakura. You and Naruto are almost always shining. It sucks when you both get depressed."
She laughed quietly into his shoulder. That seemed to satisfy him. He pulled back to smile widely at her. She wished she could see it.
"So when are you going to show us your face?"
"What's with the sudden curiosity?"
"I promise not to be depressed for months if you show me."
He thought that over for a long moment, letting her excitement build up. Then he just grinned at her. "You wouldn't be anyway, just because you would finally have accomplished one of your lifelong dreams. I don't think I'm going to show you right now though, it might ruin the surprise."
Her disappointed look must have been rather funny because he seemed to be having a good time laughing at her.
"You are going to show it to us then?"
He shrugged. "Maybe."
"You're so vague."
"You're so nosy."
"That's just mean. Do you any idea how frustrating it is to know a guy for years and not know what he looks like?"
"No, but I know how much fun it is being that guy."
"Annoying."
"Amusing."
She sighed, then smiled. He had so easily changed her mood. "You're good."
"At what?" He was mocking her, but she had to stop and think about that for a second.
"At just about everything actually," she answered.
"You flatter me."
"Don't let it go to your head."
--
With a victorious grin that would put Naruto to shame, Sakura slammed the damp rag into the bucket that had been her companion since her arrival and threw her arms in the air with a loud cheer. "Yes! I did it!"
It had taken her a while, but she had done it. She had finished cleaning Kakashi's mansion, and she was proud. Any lone woman would be.
Naruto strode into the room with more style than Sakura was used to him having. He was even beginning to resemble Kakashi in the way he stood, slouched with his hands in his pockets. His bright eyes marked him as far different from their former teacher, however. He whistled under his breath. "Nice."
"Thank you," she said, her prideful grin probably casting a glow.
Naruto went about the room with a respectable pace, inspecting her work. He had already seen the other rooms. Before he finished, Kakashi came in.
"I did it," she informed him.
"I heard."
"Pretty cool, huh?"
He shrugged. "It only seems big because you only did one room a day. It takes longer that way, you know."
She stuck her tongue out at him, not allowing him to ruin her fun.
--
That night she waited, sitting on the edge of her bed. He wouldn't tell her to leave again, she was sure of that. Only this time she wouldn't be able to give him a release. He would have to endure his pain. She couldn't save him by lessening the effects with her chakra. For all she knew it might be hurting him more than helping him. She hid her face in her hands, trying to prepare herself for the sight that would last much longer than last night. She bit her lip, holding back a sob that was meant to accompany the mental picture. Would she ever get over this?
She took a deep breath to calm herself. She just needed to send a message to Tsunade and wait for the reply. After that she would be able to set aside her worries with Tsunade's confident answer. It was to be expected. Tsunade was always blunt, but in a way that made Sakura feel better. Tsunade had become like a second mother to her over the years.
Sakura pulled a light blanket over her shoulders. It was chilly. Pulling up her legs she wrapped her arms around her knees and waited again for those soft cries that would be her signal to go.
She had too much time to think. Visions of the past few nights with Kakashi swam freely in her mind. The most fearsome of them comparing itself to the man she had seen fighting not so long ago. That warrior who had slaughtered all of those men was now bowing to the effect of two seemingly harmless white pills. Fear had never struck Kakashi the way it did now. He was so different when under that medication's influence. Him breaking down was like seeing Tsunade give up her sake. It was still unbelievable.
A soft gasp tore through the night, alerting her to Kakashi's now intense nightmare. Was the whole nightmare scary, or just the ending? She would never gain the courage to ask.
Her first mistake of the night was not making sure her foot steps were silent. The quiet patter of her feet across the wooden floors as she went to get her pants could have done the trick. She raced to Kakashi's room. Once there and inside she clicked the door shut behind her. His breathing was irregular, coming in quick gasps. The now familiar sheet of sweat covered his forehead, dampening his hair. He was shaking again...and talking.
"No," he whispered. "Why did you...? I..."
If he were crying then the vision might have been appropriate. But he wasn't, and the tearless sobs that tore through his body were wrong, out of place. She walked forward without hesitation. From experience she knew that the faster she got to him the easier it would be to soothe him. He couldn't wallow in his pain as much when he was trying to hide his fear from her.
"Damn it," he cursed loudly. "You idiot."
That was unexpected, to say the least. What could he be talking about?
"Don't die..."
She ran to the bed now. So it was deaths that haunted him. It made her stomach hurt and her insides twist. She could see him biting his cheek through the dark, even through the mask. She put her hand on his shoulder, and he woke instantly, a strangled cry buried in his throat. He panted like he had run around the entire village five hundred times without stopping as he looked around. When his eyes found her a look of disgust crossed his face and he jerked his head away. He muttered one unsteady word to himself. "Weak."
His trembles didn't stop, and even with the image of his eyes so freshly cut in her mind, she crawled into the bed. He was turned away from her, laying on his side. She laid her head higher on the pillow that his, wrapping her left arm around him and smoothing his hair with her right hand. She pressed herself against him, trying to give him as much comfort from physical contact as she could. After a few minutes of her humming softly in his ear he took the hand that she was holding him with and held it against his chest.
"Sakura, what's happening?"
There was her second, and ultimate, mistake. Naruto. Twisting her head she could see him standing there in the doorway. His eyes were wide and frightened. She decided delaying this would be best.
"Please, let me explain this later," she whispered.
"I heard crying."
She felt Kakashi tense.
"What's wrong?" he asked, though it sounded more like a firm command than a question.
"Please," she begged quietly, thinking of Kakashi and how he didn't want Naruto to bear the burden of this. "Go back to bed."
"Not until I know what's going on," he declared. He began to walk towards them, despite her pleas for him to leave. He gasped when he saw him. Turning back look at Kakashi she could see that his eyes were squeezed shut, his jaw set. A glance back in Naruto's direction was all she needed. A look of horror was streamed across his face.
"How?" he breathed.
"Please, go."
This time he didn't argue. He left slowly, his feet now unsteady. Was that how she had been the first time she had seen Kakashi like this? She knew it must have been similar. No wonder Kakashi had fought so hard to keep her away. She never wanted to see that look on Naruto's face again.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered to Kakashi. Naruto shut the door behind him. Kakashi pressed her hand tighter to his chest, placing it at his heart. He forgave her in that instant; he didn't blame anyone. He didn't trust his voice enough to say it, but she could tell. She pulled him closer to her, and waited for sleep to come.
--
She avoided Naruto as long as she could. It was impossible to stay away from him forever, his room was across from hers after all. She just didn't expect him to meet her in Kakashi's tree. His approach had been silent, perfect. His voice had been soft. "Is that why you weren't in your room before?"
"Yes."
He sat down next to her, staring out across the slightly grey clouded sky. His orange jacket was left unzipped and swayed easily with the light breeze. "Sakura, what was that?"
"That's what those pills do to him."
Naruto tilted his head up at the same moment she lowered hers. "I thought it was some animal making those sounds."
She didn't answer.
"Tell me more."
"There's nothing left to tell."
He sighed. "Sakura, I'm trying very hard to not get angry that you both lied to me about this. We're a team, or so I thought. Teammates are supposed to stick together."
"I know," she whispered, her voice low with emotion.
"So don't keep me in the dark any longer," he smiled, though with a hint of sadness.
She took a deep breath, and then wrapped her arms around herself. "He won't tell me anything important. Just that it's those pills and that this house intensifies it...I didn't know what to do. I'm trying to make it easier for him. I'm trying to be there for him. He didn't want me to see him like that, not ever."
"I can understand why."
"Naruto, he didn't want us to know."
There was a moment of silence. "And those sounds...?"
She steadied her voice. "When he sleeps, it happens then. He dreams and I don't think it's about flowers and rainbows. It's something bad. They're nightmares and they scare him. I'm glad you didn't see him when I did. It was so much worse."
"Worse?"
She looked at him, staring into his suddenly less bright blue eyes. "A lot worse."
Naruto released an unsteady breath. "Is he alright?"
"I'm not sure. He's taken those pills in the past, and they've healed him then, but I think it
was only physically."
"What does he dream about?"
"Don't know."
Naruto shut his eyes. "This sucks."
"You think?"
"Is there anything I can do?"
She shook her head. "Just try not to bring it up, okay? I don't think he likes us even knowing that he gets like that. He hates it."
"Alright."
"Thank you."
"What are you thanking me for?"
He didn't get a reply.
--
Naruto was distant for the rest of the week. He ate alone and he spent most of his time in his room and along the side of the house. Sakura didn't think that talking to him would change anything. She knew that he was awake when she rushed by his room at night. She knew he was worrying, but doing so in silence. He wanted to help, he wanted to be part of the team, but he couldn't. Watching his teammates hurt and knowing that he couldn't do anything about it was killing him.
Sakura sat down at the table in exhaustion. She had taken on all of the cleaning duties. The house was huge and keeping it clean was more work than initially cleaning it. She would do it for Naruto though. Naruto and Kakashi. Both of them. Kakashi was suffering the brunt of the pain, but Naruto was hurting too. This team's pain was contagious. It spread across them like the warmth of a fire, or the chill of a blizzard. She sighed, another stab of that pain touching her heart. Naruto too. When would it stop?
A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts. "Huh?" Who could possible visit them?
Kakashi beat her to the door. He pulled it open quickly. On the other side Asuma had one hand raised in greeting and the other holding four large white bags and a box. He grinned.
"What's up rebels?"
Kakashi took a few of the bags. "Rebels?"
"Nevermind," he waved off. "So how's the recovery thing going?"
"Getting better all the time."
Sakura would argue, but looking back the nightmares were becoming less extreme, if only slightly.
Asuma started off towards the kitchen, casually filling Kakashi in on the whereabouts of the rest of the gang. Anko was currently helping Ibiki out with new Anbu trainees. Genma was off on a mission. Kurenai was home, working things over with Kakashi's old apartment. Raido was still on a long term mission.
"What about Gai?"
"Oh, well we figured you wouldn't want to see him right now."
"Why?"
"Because you never want to see him?"
"Asuma, seriously."
Asuma sighed. "He's making such a big deal out of all of this. He even changed his orange leg warmers to blue to "mourn" you. He's being freakier than usual. You might have had to fight him off with a stick to get away from all the hugs he was planning to give you."
"Geez, I'm grateful that you were available now."
Asuma rolled his eyes before setting his burdens on the counter. "Here's this weeks food supply," he explained. "That one you've got there is more dog food, just in case."
"Thanks for giving me the heaviest bag," Kakashi complained sarcastically, setting his load next to Asuma's.
Asuma shrugged. "You're not going on constant missions anymore, Kakashi. Any exercise at all should do you some good."
Kakashi glared at him halfheartedly before shaking his head. "What else did you bring?"
Asuma smiled. "You know me so well," he joked as he searched his pockets.
"Ah, found it." He revealed a CD case and handed it to Kakashi. "Hold on to that."
Kakashi frowned at it. "What's this for?"
"That's your favorite CD Kakashi, don't complain so much. You're starting to sound like Shikamaru."
Kakashi sighed and tapped the case against his thigh. "You know there isn't a radio within three miles of here."
"Don't complain."
Kakashi tossed the case onto the countertop, right between the two bags Asuma had sat there. "I'll see you in a week?"
Asuma chuckled sheepishly, like a child who had been caught doing something wrong. "I'm not sure if we'll all make it. It depends on what Tsunade decides to order and who she send on missions. Kurenai will be here though. She wants to see you."
"Hm. Why does she want to come?"
"She wants to make sure you aren't getting in any trouble."
"Overprotective, as usual," he commented, beginning to put up the groceries. "She okay?"
"She's fine," Asuma answered automatically. "She's a few weeks along and she's already fretting over baby names."
"Oh, that's right. How did things settle?"
"You mean did your advice work." It wasn't a question.
"Well?"
"You tell me."
Kakashi laughed. It sounded so pure to Sakura's ears. "You'd think you might learn something after all these years."
"Shut up."
Sakura was slightly confused, but wasn't going to ask what they meant. It wouldn't get her anywhere, even if they did answer. The way they acted around each other, so natural, it fascinated her. She knew that they had known each other for a very long time, long enough for Asuma to have come to play at this house as a child. Perhaps they had grown up as friends close enough to be brothers. It was humorous really, when you thought about it.
"Sakura, could you go find Naruto?" Kakashi asked once he and Asuma were finished. "I
want to tell him something."
"Sure." She got up and exited quickly. She knew exactly where Naruto was. He would be close to the side of the house that was invisible to you from the back steps. By the amount of sunlight she could tell that he would be laying in the grass, his hands behind his head, watching the blue skies fade as the sun set, but not looking in the direction of the sun.
"Naruto!" she called. He looked up at her when she arrived, a blank look in his eyes. "Kakashi-sensei wants you."
"Alright," he sighed as he got up and started walking back towards the door. She stared after him, pained. He had changed so much. Seeing Kakashi like that, knowing that she had lied to him to keep him from knowing, it hurt him. She bit her lip to force back the tears and ran to her room.
Taking out a piece of paper and a pen she began to write:
Tsunade-shishou,
You couldn't have warned me about this? What exactly do those pills do to Kakashi-sensei? Why is he having nightmares? I don't understand. This is wrong. Naruto saw too, a few nights ago. It's really bothering him. I'm so worried. Please explain all of this. Why are those pills hurting Kakashi so much? When will his recuperation be complete?
Sincerely,
Sakura
It would be enough for Tsunade. She would understand. She always does.
Sakura shut her eyes and took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. Kurenai would be here in a week or two, and she was sure to bring Tsunade's reply. Just a week. That's all she had to endure. She folded up her note carefully. Biting her lip, she sat there for a few moments in silence. Then she got to her feet, steadying herself with the knowledge that Tsunade would know what to do.
She walked back to the kitchen, but stopped at the sight of light laughter erupting from Naruto. A warmth settled in her then; he was going to be ok. She shook her head slightly, continuing on her way.
Kakashi turned to her, his eye scrunching grin slightly exaggerated. "Hey Sakura."
She smiled her greeting to him before moving to stand in front of Asuma. She held out her thin letter. "Could you give this to Tsunade-shishou? It's kind of important."
Asuma took it from her easily. The moment its light weight was taken from her hand it was like a burden had been lifted from her already burdened shoulders. She wasn't alone anymore.
"Sure Sakura. No problem."
"Oh, I wanna send one too!" Naruto said with more excitement than she had seen in him since his discovery of Kakashi's nightmares. "Wait a sec!"
Kakashi and Asuma laughed at him as he left, but Sakura stared after him fondly, happily. Kakashi saw this and threw his arm around her shoulders; she was past the point of being able to be uncomfortable at contact with him. "Told you he would be alright."
Sakura giggled to herself. "Naruto said that same thing to me about you not too long ago."
"Oh," Kakashi said just to give a response. "I'm glad he's getting better."
"Alright, enough with the sentiment," mumbled Asuma uncomfortably. "What the hell happened to you, Elite Copy Ninja Kakashi?"
The sarcasm and teasing in his voice were free for anyone to hear. He was joking while also asking them to stop. Seeing Kakashi, the Kakashi, being that affectionate was slightly unnerving for some reason. It made him feel like something was going to change, something big, and change had never set well with Asuma. His reaction to his upcoming child was proof of that.
Kakashi grinned but removed his arm, instead shoving his hands deep into his pockets and slouching in his "cool guy" pose. It looked so natural for him, where if anyone else tried it they would most likely be seen as a "wanna-be." Asuma knew from personal experience. Kakashi was just something you couldn't copy.
Suddenly he understood Gai's reasoning; and he took out another cigarette in that same moment.
"Heads up," Kakashi whispered. It sounded like Naruto was on his way back.
"Hey! Here!"
Asuma sighed. How did Kakashi's team keep up so much energy all the time? He was grateful that his own team was a bit more relaxed; it just suited him better. "Yeah, yeah, just give me the note so I can go."
"Whatever," Naruto shrugged as he tossed Asuma the note, folded the same as Sakura's.
A sense of relief washed over him as Asuma caught the note, like a heavy weight had been lifted. "Just make sure she gets it, okay?"
"I got it. Don't worry," was Asuma's relaxed answer, and it soothed Naruto far more than his nights of lying awake listening to Sakura's pattering across the hallway floors as she ran to Kakashi.
"I can think of eight good reasons why I should worry." Still, it felt good tease someone.
"Since when do you think?" Asuma teased back.
"I've had some time to."
Asuma was unsure how to take that. He decided that it was best to wait for further explanation to that statement.
"Alright, I need to get back," he said casually, like he had been dropping by every other day for a month. "Kakashi, come for a walk with me."
Kakashi cast one long glance at his former students before tilting his head and shrugging, following after Asuma accordingly. He left them without further explanation, instead exiting behind his bulky friend. Once outside Kakashi let the warmth of the sun sink into his skin, or what was showing of it. He walked alongside Asuma at a steady pace. "So, what's up?"
"Do they know?" he asked.
"About what?"
"What those pills do to you. About those nightmares." Asuma's voice was almost tight, but still held an airy drawl. It was what made talking to him so easy.
"Yes," Kakashi answered quietly.
"How did they find out?"
"Sakura found out a while back. She's been sitting in the room ever since. Naruto only found out a few nights ago. He walked in."
A moment passed as Asuma thought that over. Kakashi had intentionally left out exactly how Sakura comforted him in the terror filled nights of those nightmares.
Asuma looked up. "Then that's what he meant back there, about having some time to think?"
"Yeah." Naruto had had plenty of time to think.
"And Sakura's been sitting in?"
"She's stubborn and wanted to help. No matter what I said or did she wouldn't give up."
"That sounds like her."
Kakashi sighed. "Of course it sounds like her. She was trained by Tsunade, she had to learn to be stubborn as an ox."
"That's not the only reason. Being on a team with Naruto, Sasuke, and you…the girl had to be tough."
"Anything else you need to know?" Kakashi's voice might have had a tint of impatience to someone else, but Asuma could read Kakashi better than that. There was something hidden that was probably better never discussed in those last lines of their conversation.
"How far along is your recovery?"
"It should be coming to a close pretty soon."
"How soon?" Asuma couldn't help but worry.
"Very."
"It's the roughest time...Kakashi, are you that Sakura should....?"
"She shouldn't. If I had any control over it then neither of them would even be aware of anything. And I know that it's the roughest time. I'm prepared for that. It's just...I don't know how to keep her away when it comes."
This was a problem. Asuma had personally been witness to one of those last few nights of painful recovery once. It was a sight that had disturbed him, but in the end never lessened his respect for Kakashi. Still, it was not something someone who cared about him should see. It was too raw, too harsh. "Have you tried ordering her away?"
"Do you really think that I haven't?" They stopped, standing facing each other at the gate. Kakashi looked down. "There's no way around this, is there?"
Asuma's eyes softened, only enough so that Kakashi could tell. He wished Sakura the best. "I'm really sorry for you buddy."
"We'll get through."
"I know, you always do." It was true, Kakashi always pulled through, no matter what. Not long ago the man standing before him had been in a position that no one ever survives from, let alone heals completely from. A hole in your stomach was something only this man could get through. "So those letters, the ones to Tsunade, they're about you aren't they?"
"Most likely." A vague answer, as always. It held something of a tone that wished that the notes were ones of joy or even bitter sarcasm on the part of sending them here, anything other than the concern that they were no doubt saturated with.
"I won't look at them."
"I know."
Asuma smiled. "Next time I'll bring a radio."
Kakashi chuckled. "Thanks."
"No problem."
Kakashi looked around the wild earth surrounding them, the fresh breeze so much like the smells that he could never forget as the ones he grew up comforted by. "So how's the village doing?"
"The same as usually, except it's missing its best Jounin. Of course, we're managing by taking on a few extra missions here and there. Never noticed how many you actually did until you weren't there to do them anymore. It's crazy. I know that you've only been gone a week or so, but Tsunade's already worried about who will take on the big mission. She's also a little edgy about all of you being out here unprotected and injured, but that's to be expected. It's better that you're closer to the village unguarded than if you were far away from the village with security."
"I agree." He didn't even hesitate with his answer. That was something that Asuma had come to expect from time to time, but not usually about survival or protection. Kakashi almost always obsessed over these things when they in any way involved someone else's safety other than his own.
"You only agree because you like being close to home to protect it."
"Well at least I have a reason."
Asuma grinned, if only because Kakashi wasn't taking much of this seriously. It made it easier to deal with. "Kurenai's not reason enough for me?"
Kakashi laughed quietly. "Sure, for you of course. You've been head over heels for her since we were teenagers."
"You ought to try to fall in love someday, Hatake. I think it'll do you some good."
Kakashi smiled, almost sadly in Asuma's view. "I thought that we established a long time ago that that was impossible."
"You've always managed the impossible my friend, ever since I first met you."
--
That night, as Sakura waited for Kakashi's soft whisper of a cry, she lay staring at her ceiling. The room was dark, save for faint light of her bathroom, and she was able to get lost in her few moments of thought. Naruto was getting better. That was good. It made her happy to know that Naruto would never fail to bounce right back up to any challenge thrown his way. And Kakashi was as good as healed, his nightmares only seeming to become more and more tame.
A hellish scream jerked her out of her thoughts, and also out of her bed. She was tense and ready, as any well-trained konoichi would be, her eyes wide with awareness. The sharp, quick breaths and hushed shocked cries told her where it came from.
"No," she whispered breathlessly. "Not Kakashi."
Naruto was standing dumbfounded in the hallway, looking back and forth from the direction of Kakashi's room to Sakura's door as she swung it open. She barely spared him a glance before rushing past him, pushing herself as fast as she could. Oh, dear God, what was happening?
Kakashi was drenched in sweat when she finally got to him. His shaking was far worse than before, and he had one hand over his mouth to stifle the pitiful whimpers that managed to escape him. The other arm was wrapped around his waist, like he was trying to keep himself from falling apart.
This wasn't Kakashi. This wasn't her sensei. He couldn't be. His suffering before had been nothing like this. He had never looked so helpless. For once in her life she felt like he wouldn't ever be able to pull himself back together. He would never be able to stand proud, and tall, and strong ever again. He would never be able to protect them, to lead them.
She reached for him anyway, even as she felt his fear trickling into her. His wide, terrified eyes were so quick as they caught sight of her. His body was so jerky as he flinched away. She wanted to stumble out of the room and hide under her blankets under morning came, and Kakashi would come walking in her room, pealing the covers back and reassuring her that it was all a dream. But she knew she couldn't do that because to do that would be to leave him, and she wasn't capable of that.
"Shh," she whispered, forcing her voice to steady. "I'm here. You're alright. Everything is ok."
His arm twitched as he tried to pull it away from his being to push her away, but his body rippled and his arm only tightened around him. He squeezed his eyes shut as tightly as he could, trying to force everything out. He was too far gone to realize that what was hurting him was coming from the inside.
Sakura wrapped her arms around him gently, pulling him to her. She rested his head on her chest, humming softly because she had learned that it soothed him. She bit her lip to keep from crying, knowing that if he had any of the senses he normally had he could tell that her breath was coming out in trembles. The lump in her throat refused to go away, tightening and tickling until her vision blurred and all she could see was a swarm of fused colors. When that happened she held Kakashi tighter, not daring to let him go lest she cut the last string of strength holding her together.
Memories of Kakashi began to float into her mind. Him ruffling her hair after the team had finished training, him smiling at her comfortingly whenever she was hurt, him standing between her and an enemy as he saved her life over and over. There was nothing that she wouldn't do for him. Holding him this close, being this foundation that kept him from drifting into insanity, made her attached to him in ways she didn't think possible. She would do this for any of her friends, it wasn't as though she wouldn't, but Kakashi's case was different in that she had never seen him as one for needing help. He was always calm, treating everything with a cool, indifferent air. When life was forced to be seen through someone like that, it wasn't what Sakura expected.
She wished that she could be ignorant to everything that had happened to him. She didn't want to know anymore.
Kakashi squirmed and whimpered in her arms, feebly grasping at her shirt. She couldn't stop her tears any longer. They ran down her face freely. She knew that she wouldn't get any sleep tonight, and she also knew that her memories of this night would be blurred by her never-ending supply of tears.
She sat there crying with Kakashi splayed across her lap for what felt like eternity. Her face stung and her eyes pricked harshly. Her own trembling had begun long before, only growing as Kakashi's slowly began to recede.
Her sobs escaped without her fighting them during the long hours after Kakashi had lost consciousness. Her heart beat painfully, each throb causing her face to get wetter. Her will had been beat down by the sight of the strongest man she knew being tortured before her night after night. He was the one no one could scare. He was the one who could have his spine broken and still say that nothing was wrong. The dull image of her trying to piece back together a spine in his broken body sent another cruelly agonizing ache through her chest.
The unfairness of the situation aggravated her to extremes. In all her life she had never met a problem that could never be solved. This time she couldn't do anything, and so she spent the night crying to the past to take back the injuries it had inflicted so easily upon someone so unbeatable and unconquerable. Her efforts were worthless, but she knew that even before the first tear had slid down her soft cheek.
She had finally begun to lose all strength, so purely exhausted that she could no longer work up a sob, when the sky outside began to turn a dull, dark blue. The sun was beginning to rise.
Her head hung limply about her shoulders as she refused to lay down. She stared at Kakashi's masked face, fast asleep across her legs. Hopefully he hadn't seen much of the night either, hadn't heard her pitiful whines. She was reassured that he hadn't seen anything because his eyes had been shut most of the night. Any glimpse he had allowed couldn't have been enough to make him aware that she had actually been crying, because if he had seen then he would have kicked her out of the room faster than Tsunade was capable of in her worst moods.
She heard Kakashi sigh, and though she knew that it meant he was coming to, she relished in the whisper of his voice. He hadn't said a thing the night before, so incapable of doing so. She knew that the wetness around her eyes and on her cheeks wasn't sweat. She hadn't the strength to keep the tears from falling.
With a gulp she pushed the lump as far back down as she could so that she would at least be able to speak to him without immediately giving away her condition. She weekly began to lift her hand, rubbing at her eyes harshly to wake herself up. She had never gone to sleep, but the tiredness it left behind was as bad as being unconscious in the first place.
When she was finally able to lift her head again she began tracing her fingers through Kakashi's hair, pushing away the trembles that threatened to slide down her slender fingers. She sighed, suddenly so happy to have him with her.
"That feels good," he mumbled quietly, his eyes beginning to open. Even as he awoke and knew who she was, he didn't move. He only laid there and allowed the feel of Sakura's cool fingers running through his thin, silver locks to cause him a dulling pleasure. If she kept going then he would go back to sleep so easily that he doubted he would wake up until mid-afternoon. He hadn't gotten much sleep last night, so maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing. "Sakura?"
"Hm?"
He pulled his head away, balancing himself on his elbows that where on either side of her thighs. It was still dark, so he couldn't see much of her face, especially of his current position. "Are you ok?"
For a moment she was struck with worry that he had been talking about her crying senselessly, but then she decided to ignore it. "I'm fine," she lied.
He didn't answer her, but pulled back more to sit up. He crossed his legs and remained motionless in front of her. He took his time studying her face. Sakura was a naturally very pretty girl, her face curved in the most pleasant of ways. As Kakashi's vision began to gain it's usually sharpness, he could see that her eyes were tired and puffy, red rims adding proof that it was crying and not sleep deprivation that was the cause, although the bags under her eyes were a testament to her lack of sleep. Her cheeks were tear-stained and around her eyes a sickening purple. She looked ill. He was overcome with guilt and a desperate need to protect her, even though it was from himself.
"Are you?" she asked flatly, with the faintest hint of worried curiosity.
"Am I what?"
"Are you alright?"
Kakashi felt his shoulders tense in silent anger. The rage building inside him was directed at no one but himself, and he was completely aware of that, but that only made him hate how this was affecting her even more. He sighed, bringing up his hand and tracing the pink lines on her cheeks. "I'm as good as I can be right now."
"You look better."
"And you look horrible."
She shifted her gaze to the lone window, staring off into the dawning forest. "I knew I would," she told him slowly, tiredly. "I thought I had a few more hours though."
"To hide the evidence?"
"Yeah."
Sakura was always honest when she was tired, but only to those she trusted. Thankfully Kakashi was one of them, because he didn't know what he would do right then if he wasn't. "Are you planning on coming back again tonight?"
"Yes," she answered shortly. "Of course I am."
Kakashi gently turned her face back to him. "I'm not going to let you."
She blinked, too exhausted to do anything else. "You don't have a choice."
Kakashi would have growled if she hadn't been such a pathetic sight. It hurt him to see her like that. "We'll see."
She smiled weakly. "No, I'm coming."
Sakura's body fell forward and Kakashi caught her before her head banged against his knee. He rearranged her body so that she was leaning against his chest, his arms wrapped securely around her thin body. "Easy, Sakura. You need to get some sleep."
She shook her head until she was cut off with a yawn. "No, I need to talk to you."
"It can wait. There's no need to do this to yourself."
Sakura let her head roll against his shoulder and it felt so comfortable that she didn't want to move. "Stop it," she said clearly. "If I wasn't this bad off right now you would be yelling at me for staying and crying and not sleeping."
"You're right, of course. I would be scolding you and trying to order you away. I'm still trying to order you away, but it doesn't ever seem to work."
"Why was it that bad last night?"
"Sakura, you should get some sleep."
"I won't let myself sleep until you answer my questions."
"And if I do then you'll let me take care of you?"
His voice was such a wonder to her. His hard body supporting her was so real. She felt comforted and relaxed just knowing that he was with her, so when he asked her if he could take care of her, her automatic answer was, "Yes."
"Good, then ask away."
"Answer my first question."
"It was worse, and is going to stay worse, because my recovery is coming to a close. Next question."
"Why were you screaming?"
"We'll save that one for when you're more awake. Next question."
"That's no fair. The deal was for you to answer me now."
"Sakura, please," he begged. "Later."
She gave in only because his voice begging her reminded her so much of when he was in weaker states. "Fine. Why did you try to push me away?"
"So that I wouldn't wake up with you looking like this. Any more questions?"
"Yeah."
"What?"
"Can I see your face?"
Sakura had asked the question the same as she had asked the other ones, dull but with a touch of ultimate importance. Kakashi was a little surprised that she was even able to think of something like that at a time like this, but wasn't surprised. It was made all the more important to her because of this. She was afraid of losing him while he still had a stranger's face. He chuckled, "Sure."
Sakura gained a little bit more consciousness, unable to believe what she had just heard. "Are you serious?"
Looking up she saw Kakashi's masked smile, "Yep."
Kakashi was delighted at the shine that returned to her eyes, the simile that was threatening to play across her lips. She looked hopeful, happy. He kissed her cheek. "Just as soon as you wake up. And no cheating. If you wake up early then I'm not showing you my face, or answering any of your questions either."
"That's no fair," she objected, though a blush stained her cheeks unnoticeably from his kiss.
"It's perfectly fair. If you're to have what you want, and I'm to have what I want at the same time, then it must all be conducted in a very orderly fashion."
She struggled to keep her eyes open. "Please?"
Kakashi slid from behind her, laying her gently on the pillows. He pulled the blanket over her, and then brushed her hair out of her face. He could see the tears clearly now, their shine becoming more visible because of the rising sun.
"No, Sakura," he said firmly. "Get some rest."
"Stay with me at least?" she asked.
He looked towards the window, the lighting of the sky. When he turned back to her he sighed. "Fine, but just until you go to sleep. I have early training with Naruto today."
With that he climbed back into the bed with her. It surprised him when she cuddled next to him, her face pressed against his chest. His reaction was delayed, but after a moment he laid his arm across her and hugged her to him.
It only took a few moments before she was asleep.
I hope you enjoyed it.