I will become the heir and I will change this house.
Hinata made that vow in a haze of anger. Unthinking. Now that she had time to think, it was suddenly not as easy or clear. Nothing was, anymore.
Sasuke told her that she had already become the heir, so she was halfway there. This was persuasive reasoning. But he just didn't understand. She couldn't find the words to even begin to explain to him why it was just not that simple. She knew that he was right, but it just didn't work for her. It didn't make her feel any better. She was breathing hard, shaking. She suddenly had no idea what she could say to Neji. How did he feel about her father? Had he come to love him? Did he still hate him? Was there anything she could say to keep this from being as horrible as she imagined? She couldn't imagine anything else.
And she found herself remembering, too, another vow. Taken just as hastily, with even less forethought. Simple. I will not run away from you, Neji-niisan. And having said that, she simply stood her ground. That was all she had to do. Stand up for herself.
That was almost six full years ago. And she looks back over the years and thinks that she's made progress in terms of shyness. She can speak a bit more confidently now. But standing up to Neji... dealing with and living with and loving Neji... Had that ever become any easier? Just being with him... being close to him... As a member of her family, as someone who should have been as close as a brother, as a friend. Who should have been an ally in her clan, if not for these lines of power drawn between him.
There was peace now, between them. But she knew that it was at best detente. It was just not open warfare. It wasn't true peace. Maybe never. Because while her father was alive, he could stand between them. He could train both of them. He could just not discuss the hard facts of who would succeed him. Hinata could pretend it wasn't an issue. She could pretend that there was no main and branch house. She could pretend that she and Neji got along- that they really were allies. That they would be friends seemed too much to hope for. And now her father is dead.
Sasuke walked her to the gate through melting ice and snow, and the gathering darkness of evening. His hand was on her forearm, as if they really were a couple, if they had the official sanction of her family. Hinata didn't look at him and wondered numbly if they would ever be able to walk this way again, under the eyes of her house. Would the high council of her elders allow it? Would they accept him? She had her doubts that they would accept her, at that. To hope for more would be too much. It would tempt fate.
But she had to straighten herself up and make at least one decision. Sasuke wanted to know how she planned to break the news of his presence to her family. Hinata sighed. Her family would be furious. How could they not be? But how could she hide him from a house full of byakugan eyes? They would have to know eventually, anyway. She would have to do what she could to secure assistance for him from her family's lawyers, from her family's vast resources, their direct lines of influence over the Hokage, over the entire bureaucratic backbone of Konoha. She knew that her clan was powerful, and it should have comforted her.
But nothing could comfort her. Nothing could make this better. Nothing could stop what would happen next, could make her closer to Neji or somehow fix things between them. Nothing could ever make them into the friends they should have been. All she had was a fragile illusion of cooperation with him, built upon nothing more than a cooling of hostilities. So she went. And Sasuke walked with her...
...towards disaster.
---------------
Of course, Orochimaru would have laughed at him for this.
To be attached, to like her, to want to get back to that place of silence and no separation between them.
And, in a way, it really was a problem. It wasn't any different than it was before, when he was thirteen, and he worried- no, he knew that anything he felt, anything other than hatred just took him further away from Itachi.
Maybe for good reason. Maybe Itachi wanted this, Sasuke's full attention, his whole life devoted to nothing but chasing him.. and with no distractions. And no one else.. no friends, no lovers, no family.
Well.. too late now!
Maybe it was a disaster, at least he was one. He'd have to work this out in his own head somehow. How he could be this new, strange person.. who was with her and made some effort to act like an actual human being. But still hated Itachi, still would see Itachi dead- as if that would ever change, or should ever change. He hadn't changed.. not really. He'd traded Orochimaru for a life in the Hyuga household, and Kabuto's needling smirk for Hinata's gentle voice. That's all.
Well.. when he put it like that..
Still, it was just so damned embarrassing. To be freaking out, or to just not be fine, not be ok, be still messed up and worried about nothing. As if he really could have lived up to the promise of all that arrogance!
That was another reason, really, why he shouldn't have gotten involved with anyone. Not just because he couldn't handle it, but because his whole way of being, of carrying himself, it was fake, right? It was pulled together, a mask. It was impenetrable only so much as he held himself remote from everyone. And it worked, it worked well enough...
He exhaled very slowly, spacing it out. Breathing techniques still worked, he could defeat the edge of panic, anyway. He could act like he had it together. He could give off that impression. He could probably bullshit his way past a good chunk of Hinata's family- could they be any worse then the sort of vile people who had surrounded Orochimaru? Sasuke was well-practiced in acting like he was just fine and perfectly in control of himself- never mind that he never- ever- really was.
And now he was here... with a reason, finally, to actually want to live. To have a life. For a change...
This really had been so much easier when he was thirteen... He could just shut everyone out. He was still miserable, of course. But he'd still figured he was doing himself some good. He'd thought he was bringing himself closer to strength, and mastery, and Itachi... and he'd been stupidly wrong, and he should have listened to Kakashi. And now he was in a mess. And it was his own damned fault, too.
But to hell with his problems, he was tired of them. And he wasn't getting anywhere. He distracted himself by smoothing Hinata's disheveled kimono sleeves back into place. Why she had to get dressed up for her cousin was beyond him. Fine- it wasn't beyond him, he remembered what clan traditions were like. They were overwrought like this. He was getting the faint impression, you could say, that the Hyuga were just a bit more ridiculously overwrought than most.
And as he did so, she hesitated. She didn't seem to be in any particular hurry to go meet her cousin. She leaned into him slightly, almost as if she were a child and he was her older brother; as if she'd mussed up her festival clothes and he had to make her presentable again. He frowned up at her, noting her tense body language.. and in fact, she was crawling with tension, full of it, like a taut, static electric field. She was quiet, but as he watched, she was breathing shallowly. Her eyes were just a bit wider than before... not good. He didn't like the looks of that.
"Hinata." he said, to get her attention. It was drifting. He was pulling her sleeves straight, but she was clearly preoccupied, even as she rested one hand on his good shoulder, as if she had to straighten her balance. She didn't stir, and now he noticed that she was nibbling at her lower lip slightly, as she tensely stood and stared into the middle distance. Preoccupied with what? There was the death and.. well, fuck, he knew all about the overwhelming feeling of that, but this was new, she hadn't been like this until the old woman had brought up her cousin.
"Hinata." he said, again.
She started, and blinked, looking back at him. She apologized just a bit more shakily than before. He stood up and tried to calm her the only way that he really felt up to, just putting his arms around her. Even that was a bit stupid, really, seeing as he just fixed her sleeves, and now they were going to get all crumpled again.
But she needed a moment. She was hesitating, he recognized that well enough. And he wasn't going to scold her or tell her what she should be doing, that would be being an asshole for certain. But he wondered if maybe he should nudge her in the direction of her duties? What was his role here? He'd thought that he would stand between her and her family, and shield her from them. He hadn't really thought very much about the particulars.
When she was close like this, anyway, it was hard to think straight about much of anything. She had that strange, slight, but somehow overwhelming flower scent. It was teasingly insubstantial.. there and gone. He could catch a slight whiff of it, then it would fade out again. He'd have to move closer to her, move to kiss her neck, or her forehead, try to catch another trace of it. It was probably some sort of technique involving dried flowers folded into her clothes. He didn't really know enough about flowers to know how that would work, just what he remembered vaguely from his mother's folded kimonos in the big wooden bureau in his parents' bedroom.
Or maybe it was genjutsu.. some sort of personal genjutsu that she cast, just for her own quiet amusement. Drawing him closer, constantly. There really was something a bit magical about her.. or maybe he was just losing his head. Maybe he really was falling in love with her, as embarrassing as that would be.
Well.. as long as goddamn Naruto didn't find out... As long as he didn't have to put up with Naruto teasing him about it, it would probably be all right. He wouldn't mind that much.
And, in fact.. her cousin really could be damned. If Sasuke had his way, he'd have them still be locked up in the cottage. He could comfort her a bit better then, if he could hold her in his arms. And he wouldn't have to worry about much of anything other then just giving her as much pleasure as he could. He could hold the world away from her. Surely she must have no energy for it. When he'd been in her position.. well, the only advantage of it, really, had been that he didn't have to deal with a nosy family. He, in fact, had no family at all. Funny how that worked... And, no- actually- it wasn't funny at all. He couldn't manage that gallows humor thing that some people could. It didn't soften these things for him at all...
He had to wipe the sour look off his face before Hinata saw- and he pulled it off. She was just entirely distracted, scattered. That she was somehow expected to carry out all these elaborate Hyuga traditions just seemed ridiculous. His own family had been rigid and insistent on formality sometimes... but this was just over the top.
And also, of course, he would have her all to himself. He felt a bit.. well, it was selfish to want her for his own sake, too, of course. To want to just take her to bed when she'd just lost her father? It was definitely a bit unseemly. He had let her take the lead, and decide what she was comfortable with.. so maybe he just felt like a sleazy bastard for what, having his own desires? For drying her tears and wanting to ease her suffering- but still not being able to completely ignore the fact that she had gorgeous breasts?
Yes, fine, he wanted her, he wanted her for himself too. That didn't mean that he didn't want to make her feel better, as well.
And it was all pointless anyway because she was going out to talk to her cousin. Her cousin, Hyuga Neji... and now that Sasuke thought about it, this Hyuga Neji wasn't just a name on the academy class list to him. Sasuke remembered him. Neji was the one, the arrogant, smirking, smug son of a bitch who'd called across the crowded room at him, no respect- You. What's your name?
Like he was so far beneath this Hyuga Neji that he would just have to snap to answer, like a student answering a teacher. Or a retainer answering a feudal lord- like Neji would snap his fingers and Sasuke should just obey. Right now. As if Neji was just entitled to his attention, his personal information. And everything else about him too.
He hadn't thought about it much since, but it had annoyed him, at the time. He didn't like it when people just assumed they were better than him. He didn't know anything else about Neji.. maybe a vague recollection that he was- supposedly- formidable. He didn't really like the way Hinata said his name... Neji-niisan. Brother Neji. Maybe just because he had his own unpleasant memories of saying that, niisan, niisan, powerless and hopeful. Maybe he just didn't like the way Hinata seemed a bit frightened of facing her cousin. Well, if Neji-niisan thought that he could terrorize Hinata then he was shortly to find out otherwise.
Does he mistreat you, Hinata?
He could ask her. Since when did he give half a damn about not being blunt and tactless? But.. yes, it was different. He didn't want to hurt her feelings. He didn't want to upset her- upset her more, that is, she was obviously already upset, and it wasn't exactly a mystery why. And more than that, if there was a situation with her cousin... well, would he have appreciated someone else barging into his own problems with... with...
All right, he wasn't going to think about Itachi at all. Just cancel that thought.
Ludicrous, though. To characterize it as problems. Like it was a pissant little family dysfunction. Like he and Itachi didn't get along well, like it was as simple as that. But...
Neji-niisan. Neji-niisan. Something definitely bothered him about how she said it.
So you could say that he had somewhat of a bad attitude- understatement- as he walked Hinata across her family's property to meet her cousin, Neji-niisan.
--------------
You're kind and gentle. You seek harmony and avoid conflict.
Neji spoke to wound, then. To him, these were high crimes, they were reasons why she was so inferior. More than that, they were reasons whey he was right, and she was wrong, and she should just bow her head and give up.
He told her to, after all. Just- give up, and then the pain would end. She would not have to struggle any longer. She would be at peace then, she would have simply accepted her inferiority. She was nothing.. nothing.. worthless to the family. Less in ability to her little sister. Nothing to her father, an eyesore.. at best, something he tolerated. At that moment, as she walked as if half-asleep, numbly, she found herself missing her mother. Or the space where her mother had been, because Hinata had been taken from her mother too early to really remember her. And then her mother, very soon, was dead. And she was all alone. With her father and her sister. And with Neji.
He came at her with lethal force that day. His eyes... as he rushed at her. A hairline second before the flurry of jounin appeared between them. His eyes, then... strangely blank and terrifying in that blankness. As if his anger was impersonal. It was free-floating. It was almost completely unconnected to her. But she was in it's crosshairs, and always would be. They stopped him that time. But his eyes... she'd never forget them.
Hinata found herself clutching at something hard, white-knuckled, doing it completely unconsciously. After a moment she realized it was Sasuke's hand she was squeezing. She stole one guilty little glance at him. But he was staring grimly ahead, the muscles in his jaw all tensed. As if he were as preoccupied as she were. And as if he expected the worst, just as she did. He moved her hand from his arm to his own, and held it tightly. He didn't once break his gaze from the distance ahead. He maintained his focus.. she tried to do the same. She could just walk. She could focus on his hand, the warmth of his skin against hers. As long as she didn't think too hard... As long as she didn't think about Neji.
About what she didn't have.. could never have. Could she ever have been closer to him? But it was too late to be upset with herself. Telling herself that she'd failed now would bring him no closer. She closed her eyes and let her feet and Sasuke's quicker strides guide her, just for a moment. As if she were being propelled by irresistible forces. She just had to follow...
To think that she had friends now, teammates, a better relationship with her sister- such as it was, anyway. Onee-saaaan! Hanabi launching herself joyfully at Hinata's midsection, as if Hanabi almost meant to try to knock her over, as if a simple hug wouldn't be enough. It had to be a tackle-hug. Like to Hanabi, like all things to Hanabi, affection was a competitive sport. There would have to be a winner and a loser. Either Hinata's father would win.. or Hinata would win. It was as if Hanabi only switched teams, abandoned their father and then decided that she liked Hinata better... like she could only do one or the other. And even that said, Hinata remembered what it was like when her sister was set against her. So even this strange attitude of Hanabi's.. well, she was happy to have that much.
To think.. to imagine that she had all these things, and now Sasuke as well, something fairly close to a boyfriend, when she had never had one before. When she had never so much as gone out on a date at all. Her twelve year old self could not have imagined this in her wildest dreams. Her twelve year old self would have felt a shiver of worry, even wishing for it. Surely it would invite disaster. It would make her somehow less numb, less able to go on, day to day, in her silent nightmare of a family. Loneliness was a bit like being cold, that way. She could bear it more if she didn't think about it. And soon it just receded to a dull numb ache. To think that she could be the person she was now, coming from that place of darkness. There was no hope there. But being here, now...
...well. She felt no better. She still felt small. She thought that she would always feel this way. That nothing wouldl ever really change the dark, scared, inferior inner self, the one that was as familiar as her own reflection. And that sounded so familiar somehow. Sasuke had said, more than once-
nothing can change it.
Nothing could improve things, nothing could make him anything other than a runaway. That was what he said- nothing can change what I've done. She argued with him. She offered reassurance and gentle words. She didn't.. really.. understand it, not bone-deep, not then. Not the way she did now.
Neji. To think that she would have to face him, to do this. If it were anyone else, it would be her father delivering this news. It would be something she would, more likely than not, just be left out of entirely. Her father and Neji would have their own close sessions of quiet talk, and intense training. Hinata would watch from outside. And it was so strange...
..she hadn't remembered that, not until now. Not how that felt. To just be locked out of things, left out. To be able to watch her father show affection and attention to someone. And that someone to just... not.. ever.. be her. Rarely be her.
Resentment was like anger. She couldn't handle it. She had no idea where to put it, what to say, how to solve it- how could it be solved? She just bottled it up. It had worked so well before. She had no confidence, she had no ability to do anything. No one would listen to her. So being angry was nothing, her feelings meant nothing to anyone. So she treated them like nothing. And they went away...
..they never really went away.
They just simmered, locked away. Waiting for the right moment when she just could not deny them any longer. A moment when she would be put on the spot and would have to stand up and face her fears. She would have to.. she would just have to.
A moment a bit like now.
She suddenly couldn't catch her breath. Her heart was pounding.. and she didn't know why she should be so worried. It was just Neji, her cousin. She saw him quite often. He hadn't spoken to her harshly in some time. Maybe a time or two when he was tired or impatient.. but that wasn't the same. It didn't mean that he hated her. Or that he looked down upon her. And even if he looked down upon her.. even though he looked down upon her...
..and he should. Shouldn't he?
"He said that I was unsuited to being a ninja." She hadn't really meant to say that out loud. "He said.. I had no confidence.. and that I was inferior to everyone." Maybe he hadn't said that exactly. It was what she felt. She was sure she heard the accusation in his voice. "..he said that I was born weak and worthless..." She hadn't meant to speak. She didn't realize she had at all until Sasuke spoke, startling her.
"He won't be talking to you like that any longer."
With a kind of hard, implacable force in his voice. As if he simply would make it happen. As if there were a silent or else attached to the words, like an inscribed explosive tag. But she fought down her sense of panic, and told herself that it was silly- what could happen? Nothing could happen... nothing was wrong.
So she nodded. She tried to catch her breath. She tried not to think that it would be so bad.. it couldn't really be so bad. She tried not to worry that she had made it worse.
And as she walked, as the outer wings of the house crept by, the strange skeletons of trees melting into complicated shadows against a dim strip of fading daylight. As the house disappeared in the darkness, and there was only the outer buildings, then the courtyard and it's own thin, patchy winter garden over neat lines of gravel and flagstones. Then the far terraced silhouette of the wall. And it came closer and closer.. but somehow not close enough. There were gas lanterns being lit all along that wall, the servants were making up for the lack of power, cutting the darkness. Beyond that wall was Neji. Close at hand, maybe. Maybe just behind the iron shadow of the main gate.
She both wanted this to happen quickly and for it never to happen at all. She couldn't decide if she wanted to rush forward- get it over with- or hang back. It just happened.. second by excruciating second. The tension suddenly seemed unbearable, Sasuke's hard forward-facing glare, the tight muscles knotted in his hand. She suddenly couldn't stand it. She broke from him- she tore across those last few hundred yards. The gate slammed against her hands, bitingly cold metal. Out through the bars she could see nothing but the barest black outline of the familiar houses on the street, now lit up in places with their own warm glows of lanterns. A distant ever-present trickle of melting water dripped off the complex eaves and carvings of the gate's wooden frame and the solid wall around it.
No one in the street. No one that she could see...
...a faint flicker of body heat just a bit away, melting out of the shadows. So slowly... intolerably slowly. Sasuke was beside her, he'd sprinted after her, matched her speed. She barely noticed him. The gate creaked as she pulled it open.
"Neji.." she said, just forcing the words out of her throat before they were read to come. Tears were hovering right on the edge, threatening her. "Neji-niisan.." she could barely speak. "Neji-niisan...!"
And then, louder, louder then she should have spoken. She was so wrong, already, breaking every rule of Hyuga decorum imaginable. "Neji-niisan!" She hurled herself through the darkness until his chakra was blazing in front of her, and he was warm and startled and right there, his baggage striking the ground, his arms tense and startled, grabbing her shoulders.
"Hinata...?" he was too startled to remember the honorific.
"...Neji."
So was she.
And for a moment it was almost as if he held her and tried to comfort her. It was so unreal. And it wasn't real, as soon as she thought it, realized it, he was pushing her away. He was saying Hinata.. Hinata-sama.. what are you doing?
What did she think she was doing?
She couldn't cling to him, bury her face in his shoulder, pretend that somehow there would be any way they could comfort one another.
She had to do this properly. She had to speak with authority. She had to meet his eyes, now that he was right in front of her. She had to.. she had to.. she would right this minute. But Neji wasn't looking at her. She looked up.. and he was looking over her head. Into the darkness. The gaslight cut hard shadows into the crumples the byakugan made in his skin.
"Neji-niisan.." I have to tell you. But it was just as well, she was crying all over the front of his traveling clothes. Cold water was pooling around her bare toes. She could barely speak.
"And who is that?" he said, suddenly, his sharp brows coming down hard over his clear pale eyes.
"I.. I mean..." she couldn't find the words. She had forgotten completely. And she had no idea what to say.
"I've seen that chakra before." Neji was already going through the beginning motions of pushing her aside. As if to protect her. Even as his tone turned harder, twisting sharply in her ears. "Hinata-sama, who is that with you?"
"It was me."
Sasuke's tone was just as hard. She looked back over her shoulder and he was silhouetted against the points of light on the gate. His face was in shadow. She saw Neji's frown deepen, as he struggled to place the voice, over many years of separation, and change, and she just couldn't do nothing.
Her throat was still sticky and tight with tears. "Neji-niisan, Sasuke is staying with us-"
"Sasuke? Uchiha Sasuke?" he snapped, interrupting her.
And then he had pushed her aside.
And then there was absolutely nothing she could do.
-------------
This son of a fucking bitch Neji tore Hinata to shreds at the chuunin semi-finals.
Naruto had told Sasuke all about it. Naruto was gibbering all over the place about how he was going to destroy someone named Hyuga Neji in the exam finals, that this Hyuga Neji had been cruel to another person that Sasuke could have not cared less about at the time. These names, strangers, people other than Itachi and himself- Hyuga Neji, Hyuga Hinata. Who cared? He didn't. But he remembered.
Sasuke remembered now.
Neji, Neji-niisan, pushing Hinata aside, touching her with familiarity- as if he had the right. Neji ignoring her, just pushing her aside. Sasuke had hung back, tried to let her do what she must. He had tried to stay uninvolved. He had drawn a line in his own mind, a line that he would wait for Neji to cross. He would wait for Neji to hurt her. Hit her. Speak harshly to her. But that shove, he just couldn't stand it. His temper roared and he couldn't have cared less about staying out of things that weren't his business- he wasn't going to stand there and let this asshole treat her that way.
So he took Neji-niisan's hand off her. With a good deal of force.
He really would have enjoyed bashing Neji's smug face in. Of course, it would have been a horrible thing to do to Hinata. He was already skirting the limits of decency with her- lusting after a newly orphaned girl? That she was of age meant nothing, he couldn't imagine it would ever hurt any less, no matter how old you were. Maybe being with him and doing those things really did comfort her, in which case he could justify them to himself. But beating up her cousin likely would not, no matter how hesitant she seemed around him.
So when Hinata screamed- screamed like he had never heard her before- for them to stop... he stopped. Instantly. Well into rearing back his arm to knock Neji's teeth out, at that. He had to shift his balance to correct for the halted motion. But he stopped.
And her cousin did as well. Not that this improved Sasuke's opinion of him one iota.
But Hinata was so upset, suddenly. Not that it was unexpected or unclear why, mind you. He had to get her out of the snow, she might catch a cold. He had the sense that she might neglect herself now, the way he had back in the early days after the massacre. Would he have cared if he'd just collapsed in tears out in the rapidly freezing slush, as the sun went down and the temperature plummeted? Would he have cared if he simply froze to death? No, he would have been glad. He remembered that mindset just fine. At least Hinata's asshole cousin had the bare decency to drop it long enough to get Hinata inside.
And then he had to leave them both alone. He had to have the bare decency to do that himself, even if he did not especially want to leave her alone with her cousin. He did not like the way her cousin spoke to her. And there really was something, some tinge of sound signifying hidden feeling, in the way she said his name. Neji-niisan. To be jealous of that was ridiculous- of course. He couldn't expect her to speak with less familiarity to someone she had known all her life. He really had no idea why he was jealous at all... maybe just of the closeness. Not 'closeness' exactly. Of this Neji-niisan for just being a part of her life, undeniably, forever. Sasuke still was uncertain that her family would look kindly on his involvement with her. An 18 year old clan head would not have complete command, certainly not right away. She would be subject to the voices of elders and aunts and uncles. She could be overruled. What if they simply forbade her from seeing him? What then?
It pissed him off, thinking about it. So he stalked out of the room and went to find to find the old woman.
He wasn't much enjoying the arrival of the Hyuga family so far. He'd gotten comfortable with being around Hinata herself, having an empty house and privacy, and no distractions... no one else demanding her time and attention. She would have to return to her academy job, and he would have to go deal with the Hokage- and standing in between him and that, the necessity of dealing with his old team... Naruto and Sakura both screaming in his face. There was really nothing that didn't annoy him at this moment, nothing in the immediate future, anyway.
The old woman was in the busy inner rooms of the kitchen, as he would have expected. The place was a nightmare of activity and boiling pots and loud apprentices, people constantly streaming in and out. He found the old woman in the middle of that maelstrom of noise and servants, barking orders at them, red-faced from the steam. She was tending a pot of miso, preparing meals for the arriving family. Or so he would guess. He went up to her and told her it was important. He needed to speak to her.
She harrumphed and told him that he had no manners. But it was perfunctory as scolding went, and she took him into a pantry where there were, at the moment, no other servants. But he could hear their constant background hum of chatter and motion through the door, and it sawed at his nerves. He said to her:
"Why is Hinata afraid of her cousin?"
Because, really, what the hell is going on with that? He was not such an antisocial idiot that he couldn't understand that Hinata would probably hate a scene or a big conflict more than anything. But if her cousin was in the habit of pushing her around, hurting her, then Sasuke damned well had a right to know about it. And the old woman had a steely manner that convinced him that he could pretty much ask her anything.
Moreover, all the scolding aside, she'd yet to give him an annoying bullshit answer. Which is more than he could say for Orochimaru. Or Kakashi, for that matter.
The old woman still was clearly tallying up portions and ingredients in her head. He had at most, half of her attention. She shot a hard look at him, unreadable, and as she pivoted her arm to look at her wristwatch, she said "There's a very long history there and you'd best stay out of it."
Which was direct, at least.
"Does he hit her?" Sasuke demanded, because he really had no patience and he definitely had the impression that all this long history aside, he probably wouldn't like what's going on between them. Hinata was very gentle girl, and this Neji asshole was brusque and arrogant with her at the gate.
"If he does, she's fully able to hit him back." the old woman rumbled, clapping him- hard- on the back. "If you've got nothing to do, then there's work to be done around here."
So he stalked off, dodging hurrying servants, knowing nothing of note that he didn't before.
And as he avoided the room that Hinata and Neji had gone to, the tatami room where he can see a faint impression of shadow against the paper wall from down the hall, he couldn't have possibly not noticed it. Tension. Tension rippling through the air, almost subsonically.. even he could feel it.
Even if he hadn't learned how to read Orochimaru's mood in every silent, instantaneous way he could, pick up every little passive clue, even then he could have felt it. He didn't even have to find the two of them, Hinata and her cousin, to feel the static discharge of their argument. The silence was full of that heavy rumble. And..
..chances were, the old woman was right. Was it really his business? He knew that while he'd never bothered to much care about courtesy, he ought to at least try not to make things worse for Hinata. If he were to burst in now, drag this asshole Hyuga Neji outside by the scruff of his neck... Well, would it be about actually helping Hinata, or would it be about feeding his own damned ego? Feeling superior to Neji.. Neji who certainly put in a lot of time and effort into letting Sasuke know just how inferior Neji felt he was. But Neji was upsetting Hinata. Neji was being a bastard about, as far as Sasuke could tell, longstanding family grudges that he could have just kept his dumb mouth shut about for a few days, at least.
So Neji really did need to have his ass kicked hard, and fairly shortly. But out of respect to Hinata, Sasuke sat on his hands. And left them to it. And hated it. And did it anyway.
He trained, out in the slush. It soaked his pantlegs, and soon froze the fabric into stiff clumps. The added weight was so slight, but it annoyed him, it irritated him to have to correct his balance for it.
He just couldn't focus properly.. but maybe that was the seal. Even knowing what it was, his own homicidal madness where he simply did not actually have that particular mental problem before, he missed it. He missed it's crawling warmth of power, the security of knowing that the power was there, sitting in reserve. It was a blood pact, but if necessary, Sasuke could call on it. He could be strong, regardless. For once.. for once, he might have come close to Itachi.
And maybe... well, maybe if he really could become some sort of legal adoptee of the Hyuga clan, their money and resources would allow him to get the noose around Itachi's neck. His fists hadn't worked out very well as instruments of vengeance so far. Maybe he would have felt weak before, using whatever he could, anything that worked, just to get Itachi wiped off the face of the earth and finally punished for what he'd done...
But now, Sasuke thought that what he really wanted was just to make Itachi feel what he'd felt himself. He'd like to see Itachi suffer this way. He'd like to feel that there was actually some sort of meaning or purpose behind any of it- but he knows there was none. There was no grand lesson here. It was not that Orochimaru was right, that the only purpose of anything is the strong abusing the weak, but it's not that there is any great purpose to anything, either.
So Sasuke would have to make his own closure. He would have to find his own comfort. To kill Itachi might not be enough. If Itachi was dead, he would be at peace. He would feel nothing. If Sasuke couldn't kill Itachi, surely having the resources of a vast and powerful ninja clan in his grasp would allow him to make life significantly difficult for Itachi- at least. Maybe it wouldn't be so satisfying to just strike Itachi's head from his shoulders- quick and painless- too painless for this murderer, who carved Sasuke's mother open slowly, like he was enjoying himself. Maybe Sasuke would rather extract Itachi's blood with that same agonizing slowness. He wouldn't mind seeing Itachi squirming right now, in fact. That would probably improve his mood for certain.
So there were plenty of interesting possibilities to think about. He just left the whole house to that tense argument which he was forbidden to touch. He had felt it in progress, even as Hinata and her cousin spoke too softly for him to have heard. He stayed out of it... The old woman was a real bitch, but she clearly wasn't stupid. She was probably right...
Funny, though...
To ask if Neji hit Hinata... this was more something you'd ask about a boyfriend or a husband, wasn't it? Sasuke hadn't really noticed that. Not until this moment, as he perched on the top of a taijutsu log and was distractedly molding chakra. Neji was her cousin, they were related. But there was just such a strange feeling between them. He couldn't help but think that there was something going on. What, he had no idea.
Something.
-------------------------
It was strange, Hinata thought, that while she had passed the long night, and the drowsy day after it, thinking of who she should worry about...
...she had all but forgotten Neji.
But maybe it wasn't strange at all. She had never really lost the habit of just trying not to think about things that were difficult, and that upset her. And, as well, feeling so helpless and powerless that she just naturally assumed she could do nothing about them. She would still remember, she would be depressed. But she would try to put these things out of her mind. Eventually ordinary everyday concerns would take their place.
But it wasn't strange.. not at all. It just wasn't all right... even if Neji no longer actively bullied her. That's what Kurenai-sensei called it- bullying. Hinata hadn't really thought it was that, not exactly. She was just so used to things being this way between herself and Neji, just another Hyuga family secret, not to be spoken of outside the house's walls. Maybe it made a difference when Neji insulted her in front of everyone at the chuunin exam. Maybe that was what made a difference- to her. To hear that others saw and did not agree with him, maybe. But she was just so accustomed to it. And she was frightened of him, he was older. He was bigger than she was. She naturally wanted to look up to him, and be guided by him. It hurt when he treated her that way, but she just never got to the point of questioning it.
...and maybe the way he said it, you're completely unsuited to being a ninja, just made it sound like such unassailable truth. She couldn't even begin to argue with him. It was only that her back was already to the wall, when she faced him at the exam. She was cornered already.. so she had to answer him, try to deny it. He was right, though... she had no confidence.
Maybe a little. But not enough.
Things did change after that. But she had to admit, now, that they never really came that close. In a storybook, she thought that her father's death might have changed something. It might have made Neji just throw down his baggage on the spot and hug her tightly. It might have made him comfort her. It might have brought them close, finally.
But this was not a fairy tale. And it was not magical, there would be no magic solution here, to fix years of separation. For a while, later, she had thought that it was the house politics that separated them. If not for that, then they would have been friends. Neji would have been an affectionate and kind older brother. But.. now, having come to know him a bit more, if not come very much closer to him, she really wondered. Maybe they would have always been estranged. It was the Hyuga themselves that created these inhuman rules and divisions, after all. She and Neji had that same blood, those same preoccupations. This house was not an outside thing that unilaterally forced them apart. It was a living ideal, a part of them. They were part of it, and could there ever have been a better argument for the innate hostility between the main and branch houses than herself and Neji?
So she had thought, numbly, that she might suggest that he break the Hyuga seclusion rules and invite Tenten over. Tenten was his fiancée, and Hinata knew that Tenten was closer to Neji than she herself could ever be, now. As the clan head, she could give him permission to do this. And maybe.. maybe Tenten could explain a bit to Hinata herself what Neji was feeling. Tenten had an easy, confident manner, and she seemed to understand Neji perfectly. Much better than Hinata herself ever could. So Hinata would have to put aside her own guilty jealousy- not of the romantic relationship, just of the relationship at all, being able to have one with Neji, something that was denied, clearly, to Hinata herself. She just couldn't have it. So she would have to put that aside, and do this.. in the hopes that someone would be able to comfort Neji, since he would never allow Hinata to do it herself.
And all the while, she was watching as if in slow motion, Sasuke rapidly advancing on Neji, all aggressive body language, and you could tell his intentions even before he snatched Neji's hand off her shoulder. Neji's pointed finger was just appearing, jammed into Sasuke's chest- clear provocation on both sides. Her throat was still sore and she suddenly, again, couldn't speak. She managed a whisper- "Stop.." and she had to push the words out. They came out raggedly, "Stop..!" She had seen plenty of little boys start schoolyard fights with one another to recognize what it looked like, she finally found her teacher's voice- "Stop! Neji-niisan! Sasuke-kun!"
And that never failed to get results. Both of them froze and looked over at her, almost guiltily.
It was only habitual reflex, though. Hinata would have reacted the same way to the commanding tone of her sensei- instantaneous. And it only lasted a second. Then they were pushing one another again, the fight was starting. And it was going to be an ugly fight, she could just tell, from the nasty, sharply hostile way they already looked at one another, struck out at one another. She suddenly couldn't stand it, to have her father dead, and her cousin and her... well, whatever Sasuke would be now to her, to have them at one another's throats- she was screaming at them. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it right now! Screaming with her vision blurring with tears, almost beside herself. As if she was looking from the outside in.
She was crying, she couldn't see clearly. The world itself, time itself, seemed to blur. She had no clear memory of how it happened, but she was taken by them to the central wing of the house, past a blurry maze of gaslights and the soft-touch impression of chakra from bustling servants. The gentle warmth of space heaters brushed over her bare toes, and she realized that she was barefoot. One of them was carrying her sandals. The other was carrying her. She couldn't quite remember which one of them had done what.
Grief was strange.. it came down on her like an avalanche, crashing in on her, like it too was something that came from outside of her. As if it wasn't even a part of her, it was alien in some way. It didn't feel like a normal or proper feeling. It still felt wildly disconnected from everything, from what she remembered the world was supposed to be like- herself, her sister, Neji and her father. A simple, uncomfortable balance. With her father gone, there was suddenly no telling how anything would be anymore. She found herself wishing that there was someone else.. someone who could just appear and take her father's role. She found herself wishing, out of nowhere, for her mother. As if her mother could be wished back into life. Her mother could just take her in her arms. She could hide her face and not have to worry. She thought that if she were on a mission then she would have to pick herself up and act professionally. She would have to lock up her feelings somehow. Maybe she would be able to do it, if necessary. But she just couldn't do it now. She couldn't force herself to do it. Some part of herself just couldn't tolerate any more distraction, these things just could not be put out of her mind.
Back to herself, now, sitting in the warm outer room of the kitchen. The servants had made a fire in the old fireplace. She could see the winking red filaments of space heaters set by the wall. There was a box of tissues in her hand, and a cup of tea steaming in front of her. And Neji and Sasuke were there, sitting near her. Distracted, it would seem, momentarily with her. As if that could keep them away from one another.
As she blinked and daubed at her eyes, she saw that they were very carefully not speaking to each other.
It was Momoe, leaning over the table with the heavy earthenware teapot, who was speaking to both of them. Reassuring them. Telling them that Hinata just needed a minute. That yes, there was a death. That Hinata would have to inform Neji was not something Momoe had to say, Hinata saw in the fine tinge of worry in Neji's eyes that he understood that perfectly. He was waiting for her.
It just seemed cruel, this little bit of concern and gentleness from him. It was a reminder of what she couldn't have. What just didn't work or exist between them.
And.. as Neji waited, and Hinata sniffled... nothing happened. Sasuke avoided looking at Neji, and Neji avoided looking at Sasuke. Both of them looked at her instead.
Waiting for her.. as if she were really in charge. Waiting for her to act as if Neji had been wrong, all those years ago, and she actually deserved this.
And soon enough Sasuke had vanished. It seemed like that to her, that she just lifted her eyes from her teacup and he was gone. She had heard him tell her that he was going to go train, and she had nodded. She had registered that.. about halfway, maybe. She'd nodded robotically. It took her a moment to remember that it had happened. And then, there was nothing for her to do but miserably wipe her sore, wet eyes, and sniffle. And look at Neji across the table and wonder what she could say to him... possibly.. to make this even a little bit less impossible than it would have to be.
He took pity on her. He bowed his head and spoke calmly, almost gently. He took her away from the eyes of the servants, their pitying quick glances, since they all knew exactly what was going on. He closed the door of the tatami room as Hinata sniffled more and tried to blink the tears away from her eyes enough to see the candles. He came up behind her on soft, catlike feet. And then his white, strong hands were taking the matches from her. And he was lighting them himself, because her fingers were numb and clumsy. She was just sinking down on the mats. Watching him. Wet and helpless, the same way she'd been for what seemed like an eternity.
If she imagined this moment at all, she'd imagined it being impersonal. Neji would either look out the window, or he would just stop in his paces and look straight ahead. He would wait for her that way. That he sat down with her and tried to be kind to her just made her want to bury her face in his arms and cry long and hard.
"Who was it?" he said, finally. It seemed that a very long time had passed.
His right eye picked up a tiny warm glint of candlelight. The house all around them hummed with the generators. And with activity. Something about the late hour, the stillness of Konoha all around them, all it's power lines still collapsed, the empty house full of anticipation and all the gaslights... It all was like a stage being set, like the world was holding it's breath, waiting. She would have to tell her sister, too, when Hanabi came home. She would have to face the council. She would have to even argue for Sasuke, try to get her family to protect him from the Hokage, from whatever charges stood against him. It was all so overwhelming. She felt that she hadn't slept a wink. Grief sucked all the energy right out of her. She just had nothing in her, nothing left to make this graceful.
"My father." she said, her voice sounding thick and tearful to even herself.
She thought far too late that maybe it was insensitive to say her father, rather than his uncle. That was who her father was to him. A teacher and mentor. There was an entire relationship there, carried out right in front of her. Only slightly hidden from her, in the occasional tatami room meeting when her father would summon them both, then dismiss her quickly. But it was entirely out of her reach. It was something she could never be part of- and could probably never understand.
She couldn't look at him, either. She couldn't bear to meet his eyes after she said it.
She also couldn't imagine how he would react. Would he be angry? Would he feel the way she did, like it just wasn't true? Like it was a horrible and hurtful lie.. that the world just couldn't be this way, there had to be a chance for them both to be able to come to terms with this man, her father, his uncle. They just had to be given that time, because it was so unbearable to be left this way. No answers, no ending. Just nothingness, just gone. No final words. Neji had never even gotten to speak to him before he left. At least Hinata had gotten to see him one last time. Neji would have to blame himself for not going on the trip.. as if that could have somehow saved her father from dying.
And, in the end, all she heard was Neji getting up. His smooth, well-paced footfalls whispered across the mats. Then, the door sliding back, and closing. He didn't say anything. He just left.
And maybe.. she should have expected exactly that. Neji was a very private person. She had hoped, stupidly- she thought now- that they could somehow share their grief and help one another. But maybe that would not have made Neji feel better. Maybe it would have made things harder for him, to have to take care of her, too. His grief was his own- private. She had no claim on it.
So she just sat and cried herself out, like tears were something you could run out of. Then she slowly got to her feet, and went to bed. Because she just couldn't think of what else to do, to say. There was nothing to do but wait for Hanabi. And then wait for the rest of the family, steadily growing closer, somewhere in the silent, dark village beyond.
---------------------
Neji-niisan. Neji-niisan. Neji-fucking-niisan.
Of course, all circumstances aside, Sasuke did hope that he'd have a chance to have a good solid fight with Hinata's cousin. It had crossed his mind, yes, that bashing around the favored son of his alleged new 'family' wouldn't make the best first impression for him. So, no matter what, it would probably be best to let Neji-niisan throw the first punch. But he didn't necessarily have to use his fists. He could take some satisfaction from a verbal argument, maybe, there were ways to rip people apart with words. He had been a dedicated student of Orochimaru the psychological torturer, after all. He couldn't say that Hinata's cousin didn't deserve a bit of his own medicine, if Naruto's story was to be believed.
And you could say that he had taken an instant dislike to this person, Hinata's cousin. Sasuke remembered who he was now- renowned-genius-Hyuga-Neji. A real genius. Not just a fake genius, a dedicated ninja who presented an image of it all being effortless, but still trained his fingers down to the bone every chance he got. Not, that is, like Sasuke himself.
You could say that Hyuga Neji was more like Itachi- an excellent reason to dislike him in itself. Hyuga Neji, Konoha's strongest genin- ever, the other one had said. The one with the unreal taijutsu. The one Sasuke had trained like a maniac to match, so he could bring his own body up to his sharingan memory of that insane piledriver attack- something-lotus, he couldn't remember the exact name. That amazing taijutsu that had torn up the muscles in his legs to match, so that he was a mess after the chuunin exam broke up, and that episode with the crazed Sand-nin was over. That first one was Hyuga Neji's teammate. Sasuke really had no problem with hating Hyuga Neji by proxy for that first humiliating defeat at the hands of his teammate, either.
But, it turned out that it was just his lucky day. Neji-niisan came to find him.
He had trained himself to exhaustion, which was always an excellent way to deal with any particular personal problem he might have. Then, many hours later, he let himself back in the house, allowed the old woman's house servants to interrupt him long enough to change out of his wet clothes, then padded upstairs on his damp bare feet to go see if Hinata was there.
He got close enough to see that she was. Her room's door was closed, and lantern light glowed within. He could sense, he thought, the tiniest change in air pressure from her soft breathing. He could almost feel the slow waves of her chakra. He had no byakugan, he couldn't see it. But he could feel it. He was certain he could. And you could say that he was thinking about her, and he was somewhat distracted...
..when her asshole cousin's voice just materialized behind him.
"What do you think you're doing?"
Speaking to him as if he was somehow caught doing something wrong. Like he was in big trouble now, or something intolerably arrogant like that. Not that he was even slightly surprised. This son of a bitch probably used his byakugan to spot him halfway across the house, and then slowly tracked him, carefully concealing his presence. It really wasn't that hard to sneak up on a distracted person, no matter how strong their ninjutsu was. And clearly Neji-niisan had wanted to wait until he caught Sasuke red-handed, approaching the bedroom door of his cousin. As if this was somehow some great crime.
And it really irritated him. He didn't know what he was going to do if the whole goddamn Hyuga clan was going to treat him like a filthy stray animal that had somehow snuck into the house.
"I'm going to check on Hinata." he said. Because he fucking well did have the right. And while he had not discussed this with Hinata, he could imagine that she had not concealed anything from her cousin. She would probably see the absolute ridiculous futility of hiding a relationship from her byakugan-eyed family. And more than that.. he suspected she wouldn't want him to feel that she wanted to hide her involvement with him. She wouldn't want him to think that she was ashamed of him.
Not that this asshole gave any impression of understanding any of that. Sasuke didn't bother to turn around, but he could hear the note of disgust in her cousin's voice.
"And who said that you could be up here?"
"Hinata did." he said, simply. And looked briefly over his shoulder, just enough to register the look on asshole-Hyuga-Neji's face as he said it.
And Hyuga Neji's hard white-eyed glare told him that Hinata absolutely had told him all about it. And from the looks of things, the asshole didn't like it one bit.
But too bad for him.
So Sasuke just leaned against the wall and slapped an Orochimaru-smirk on his face; and faced the bastard. He wondered vaguely if he was going to have to introduce Neji-niisan to the concept of Hinata being a grown woman- one who could involve herself with anyone she liked, regardless of what her cousin or her idiot family thought about it.
Hyuga Neji just lifted his chin slightly, so he could look down his nose at Sasuke just a tiny bit more. He was already taller, but he seemed to just want to be able to look down a few more millimeters, convey his contempt just a bit more. As if Sasuke hadn't already gotten the message. As if it was somehow unclear. As if the bastard just wanted to rub it in, as hard as he could.
"Do you know what the Hyuga clan thinks of the Uchiha?" he said. And now he couldn't even seem to bother to disguise the mocking tone in his voice. He had very straight features, aristocratic. Long fine dark hair.. like he was just so genetically pure and perfect. Like he was a pedigreed purebred, not a filthy hybrid like Sasuke himself- all wild spikes and demonic eyes... Like the Hyuga had never been touched by a demonic hand. They were just so clean and perfect. He spoke like Sasuke had no idea, like he would just be too stupid to understand any of this.
But it wasn't as if the Uchiha didn't have their own genetic talents to protect. It wasn't as if he was somehow unaware of what went on inside of a noble ninja clan. So he just told the asshole that he did, thank you very much. He was well aware. Implying, you could say, with a slight inflection of his voice that Hyuga Neji was wasting his time. That Hyuga Neji was boring him.
But Hyuga Neji didn't react. His glare had frozen into a small, mocking smile. His cold white eyes were absolutely steady. Locked. Like he knew something Sasuke did not, like he was savoring the idea of it.
"No you don't." he said. "You have no idea."