The Side Effects of Unoriginality
Author's Note: I do not own FFX-2. I simply own the plot and grammatical errors.
Chapter 3: Pale Hallucinations
Shinra's uncharacteristically deep revelation kept me up through most of the night. Despite having Dezba there to keep me company, I couldn't shake the strange feeling that was bubbling in the pit of my stomach. Maybe avoiding the problem wasn't the best way of going about a solution. Maybe there was a much less painful means to and end, where my only goal was the ending of such a fierce pang in my chest. Perhaps if I just talked it out with either one of them, then they could see my problem through my eyes and we could solve it like adults. On the one hand, that seemed logical, but when had I—Rikku the Al Bhed Princess—ever been that sort of person? Of course, I was taking advice from a twelve year-old Al Bhed genius whose answer to anything complicated was, "Hey. I'm just a kid."
I gave a grumpy sigh the next morning, curling up beside Dezba, who had slept about as much as me. See, what did I tell you? He's a perfect companion. Naturally, I felt guilty for not letting him get any sleep. He had worked hard last night, what with saving my life and all that. He deserved some sort of compensation. So I shot up suddenly, enough so that he gave one of his indignant growls, his golden wings fluttering his displeasure. I soothed him with a warm smile and a gentle hand to his beak before I dashed for the door.
In my room, I hadn't realized how early it actually was. I knew it was early, but not this early. The ship was still quiet, its engine rumbling silently through the sandy desert as we hovered just a few inches off the ground, enough so that if a fiend attacked, we could be airborne without any sort of hassle. It was an odd feeling, roaming about the Celsius in complete and total darkness. I knew my way around so well, however, with or without light, I could manage.
Eventually, with some very epic maneuvering skills, I found my way to the bar and back. I was on my way back to my room already, two bowls of food in either hand, when I happened to run into none other than Cid. Despite his usually grumpy disposition, he was actually a very mellow morning person. Cursing my luck, I put on my most innocent smile and tried to feign ignorance when he gave the two bowls in my hand an awkward glance.
"What's that for?" I asked, still pretending to not know what was going on.
"You're such a pig," he grumbled, walking past me towards the kitchen/bar area. He stopped halfway down the hallway, like he was contemplating something.
"What is it, Pops?"
"Later today…I need you to run to Luca for me. I'm having a package delivered there and I need someone I can trust to go and get it," he said offhandedly. "So whenever you're ready, I'll tell you where in Luca you're going. So be ready."
"Like…uhm…when?" I asked, perplexed.
"I guess around the same time you go to work—whenever that particular time is. Anyway, I'll be down at the dig. Just come down there and I'll give you the directions to the place," he said before disappearing into the elevator shaft.
My face twisted up in confusion, but I shrugged it off. If he wanted someone to get something from Luca, why not send one of his other cronies? I know he had like a dozen. On the other hand, he did say someone he could trust. Still, that left quite a handful of people in his little regiment of Al Bhed lackeys. That even left his son and Buddy, whom he thought of like a son. If anything, I would think he'd want to keep a close eye on me, given my recent spiral of some fit of depression, which everyone assumed was getting to be too much for me. Then an odd and quite valid thought hit me. The incident yesterday might have scared him just a bit. He was my dad, after all, and I could see his need to protect me from similar events.
I smiled and decided that I liked that theory best. It made me feel loved, something I was having a hard time with. That put a bounce in my step as I headed back towards my room, where my loving Dezba would be waiting patiently, happy to see me returned. When I stepped into the room and closed the door behind me, Dezba peered up from his semi-sleeping state and smiled at me, if you would call it that. Even if you don't, I do. I smiled back at him, my swirling eyes coming to life at the sight of my golden stallion.
"Did you miss me, Dezba?" I asked, plopping down beside him. I pushed a bowl towards him and gave another happy smile. He chirped at me, seemingly pleased. "Yes, I brought that for you. Think of it as…payment for staying up with me all night and not being a meanie about it in the morning."
Meanie. I hadn't used that word in so long that it seemed foreign to me. But when I used it just then, it felt so right. Maybe there was a better way to handle my problem than just to run away from it. I could face it head on, so long as I had Dezba and Pops and Shinra. I smiled at the thought of the little Al Bhed, wondering how extensive his genius truly was. I wondered if he was an expert on social interactions, too?
I didn't have time to give the young Al Bhed any thought. My stomach growled loudly and stole my attention away. It was indignant; I hadn't eaten last night and now I was using my time to think instead of feeding its craving. The nerve of myself, right? I sighed and shoveled down a spoonful of hash browns and sausage gleefully, Dezba having buried his face into his bowl already. Glancing over at him as I chewed, I couldn't help but laugh. For a bird, he was pretty amusing, especially the way his feathers were now jutting out around his head at odd angles.
Although I tried to stifle a laugh, I all but failed, casually burying my face into my arm. My feathery companion peered up from his bowl and snipped his beak at me huffily, even though his eyes were light and playful. I gave him my best apology and smiled at him before I ran my fingers through his feathers, removing bits of potato as I went along. He seemed pleased by this slight pampering, leaning into my hand, encouraging me to continue. And I did, eliciting a pleasant, purring sound. Again I laughed, but this time he simply clucked along with me.
-----------------------------------------------------
After I finished showering—never surprised by the massive amounts of sand that seemed to cling to my body after a nice rolling around in the desert—I took Dezba with me to Cid's tent, the big one in the middle of the digging project. I walked slowly down the stone path leading from the Celsius to where he'd asked me to come, Dezba nudging me on ever so often when my pace slowed and caused him to bump into my back gently. He wasn't impatient with me. I think, more or less, he was just concerned. I couldn't blame him; even though he was by far my favorite person, my time with him didn't linger beyond necessity. The fun we used to have wasn't as reckless as it had been. He might have thought me less fond of him, which could never be the case.
As we walked, I bit my bottom lip thoughtfully, Dezba still following behind me quietly. It was a strange thought I had, but it was a thought nevertheless. I did enjoy his company, more so than I should have, likely. But he made me feel better, made feel human again. I smiled as we walked together, more grateful to him that I would have thought possible. He nudged me again, this time more playfully, and I took the hint. He had come to the same conclusion. It might not have been a wise choice, running away from my problems, but at least, I didn't have to deal with them immediately. I could take them on at my own pace; I could take them as they came.
"What should I care anyway?" I asked of myself indignantly, some new sensation overcoming my senses. I stopped in my tracks and turned to face Dezba, who seemed wary of the tone in my voice. "Why should I be feeling sorry? I didn't abandon them—I did my best to keep in touch. If they don't want to let me know what's important in their lives, then why should I be the one feeling bad?"
I sighed and turned back, now facing the direction of the dig cite. If running away solves nothing, then maybe I'll just forget about it altogether. Maybe I can pretend that I'm not in pain anymore. Maybe I can go on living my life like they did—they make it look so easy. If they can do it, then so can I. I don't have to be upset anymore; I don't even have to feel sorry for what I've lost. I don't have to feel sorry for myself, either. I'm not the one who's done the bad thing here. I'm the victim—but that doesn't mean I have to act like one. I don't want to be pitied and I don't want people to look at me strangely. I want to be me again.
I want to be Rikku, the real Rikku.
I turned to look at Dezba, who was chasing a white butterfly around happily, his thoughts entirely focused on the flapping white wings. I smiled at his childish antics and remembered a time when that would have been me. The weight of the word always weighed heavily on my shoulders, but never once did I let that get to me. I always had to the merriest one—I was the source of sunshine and laughter. Or at least, I had been. What happened to that Rikku? That was the Rikku I wanted to be.
"Well why can't I? I can have pain and still be happy can't I? Or maybe, because I have pain I have to have happiness? If all I have is myself, I wonder if that's enough?" At this, Dezba gave me a rare chirp and a sullen glance. "Well, of course I have you, Dezba," I said. "Who else is going to laugh at my corny jokes? But being alone—or without others—that doesn't make for an unhappy life."
Paine and Yuna were my best friends, but they made it perfectly clear that I was no longer an important part of their lives. If that was what they wanted, then who was I to deny them? The time we spent together would be cherished, but that was all. I didn't need them to support me through this life. I'd made it an entire year without them, hadn't I? My world hadn't stopped spinning. It might have slowed, but that was my own doing. I didn't have to worry about that anymore. I wanted to be done with that. I wanted to move on, so that was what I would do. I would move on with life and remove myself from this sticky, meanie rut in life. It was just that simple.
The biggest obstacles in my way were Paine and Yuna, but I didn't have to worry about them. I wouldn't concern myself with how they fit into my life. Not just yet. I didn't have to. I'm not ready to handle that just yet. I'll get around to them, but for now, I wanted to be happy. I didn't want to be stuck in some miserable rut while other people were getting on with their lives. If they could sleep at night soundly and not toss and turn and lose sleep, then why couldn't I—the victim here—do the same?
"If I want to be happy, then why shouldn't I?" I said aloud to my companion.
Dezba clucked happily again. I guess he had the right to be. My depression spell had spanned itself widely, casting a dark cloud over the last six or so months of my life. I was bored of that feeling. I didn't want to be depressed anymore. Sure, it's easier said than done, but at least if I'm trying, then I can say that I'm doing something. Sitting around, waiting for someone to rescue me from my despair wasn't what I wanted. I'd never needed anyone to save me from myself before, so why should I start depending on others for such a trivial task now?
I decided that I didn't need anyone to save me. There was nothing to save me from. I could do this if I tried hard enough. If I didn't give up, then I could forget about this pain. I could learn to move on with my story and live my life the way I wanted. I didn't have to put my life on pause just because they wanted to be vague and occasionally grace me with an empty, emotionally devoid letter that spoke much of trivial, insignificant things. I had better things to do with my time.
I marched happily towards Cid's tent, a jovial bounce in every step. I practically skipped there with Dezba, who followed behind me in the same boisterously wonderful prance. We laughed together—rather, I laughed, he clucked nosily, though I welcomed the sound, which felt fresh against recently deaf ears. The world seemed brighter then and for the first time in months, I didn't feel the nagging, gnawing pain ripping at my chest.
Getting over rejection in any form was hard. But it wasn't impossible. Hell, I'd saved Spira from destruction, an impossible feat all by itself, and I'd managed to do it twice! Getting over a broken heart wasn't nearly as hard, physically, but the same rules applied. I could get over it, if I took it apart one piece at a time. Triumphantly, I came to this conclusion and was very happy with the idea of vanquishing my evil Rikku, happy to return the proper Rikku to her throne as Miss Sunshine.
I felt like a kid again, not an emotionally inept adult, something that I feared. That was a start in the right direction, right?
I arrived inside of Pops' tent in less than three minutes from departing from the Celsius. Yes, I had indeed managed to have a mid-life crisis change of heart in under three minutes. What can I say? I'm fabulous. But this is hardly the point, that is, we're not here to talk about how fickle my emotions can be or how topsy-turvy I am when it comes to making up my mind to be depressed or otherwise. If you really want to know, I just got tired of feeling bad for myself. I guess Shinra was right—I can't just keeping running away from something that's chasing me. Eventually, I'm going to get tired and then where does that leave me? Tired and having to face my fears while fatigued? It was time for me to act like an adult—yuck—and handle all of my problems.
But, like I was saying, I made it to Cid's tent in under three minutes—a new world record for, if I may say so myself. I was so overly pleased with myself that I didn't notice the strange glances I was receiving from the old men standing around the tent, all of them looking and acting the same as my old man. When I did finally notice, I scrunched up my face in utter confusion and made a pouting sound.
"What? Is there something on my face?" I asked, my voice lighthearted and playful, just like it had always been.
Cid was the first one to break the silence. He walked around the table and gently put his hands on my shoulders. Staring deeply into my eyes, which were more like his than anyone else's, he smiled awkwardly and released his hold on me. Whatever he was going to say was lost in the intensity of the moment.
"Spit it out already, Pops!" I squealed. Jokingly, I added, "Coeurl got your tongue?"
Cid's bottom lip stiffened, as did his eyes as he crossed his arms over his chest. He stood back on one leg, looking me up and down. Something in his eyes wasn't settling right with me. It was almost as if he couldn't trust his eyes, so he relied on his other senses, believing his eyes had finally failed him. When he noticed no discrepancies, however, he had to glance over me once more, just to be sure. I looked like Rikku, or, I'd always looked like his Rikku, but I hadn't actually been Rikku in such a long time that he was skeptical. That was what I got from the curious flicker in his eyes anyway.
"Uh, Rikku? Do you know where you are? You know you're awake, right?" he asked, his voice was still hesitant, though.
"Uh, duh," I said, putting my hands on my hips as I leaned closer to him, quirking my brow in his face.
"Are you feeling all right—maybe you're feeling a little under the weather? Quick, tell me, do you have a fever?" He asked, reaching his hand out to touch my forehead, but I parried him playfully.
"Get over it, Pops. I'm just in a really good mood. I'm feeling like my old self again," I said as I gave myself a hug.
The other old men in the tent shared a look before they all turned their attention back to Cid, who was still searching his brain for something to say. When he found nothing, I guess, he just shrugged and went back to standing where he had been when I first walked in. I smiled at him brightly, no longer forced and I think he could tell. His eyes softened and his arms grew slack, falling to his side.
"All right, Rikku, like I told ya earlier, I've got something that needs pickin' up. You're gonna head over to Luca and get it for me. Apparently, Miss Rosemary has it for me," Cid said, and I couldn't help but notice the cute shade of pink his cheeks turned whenever he mentioned the woman, owner of a nice flower boutique. "Like I was saying," he said gruffly. "She has this thing that I need, this package. Run over there, get it and bring it back."
"Right-o," I said, saluting him with a wide, toothy grin. Smiling like an idiot, I turned on my heel and departed, dashing out into the open air, where Dezba was waiting for me.
"Looks like we're off to Luca," I told him, happily pulling his face between my hands to nuzzle him affectionately.
-----------------------------------------------------
Luca was just like I remembered it. Busy streets filled with people watching acrobatically agile performances near the dock, children running their parents ragged to fulfill their every little need and of course, Blitzball fans roaming the vast streets in awed wonder. There was the occasional Sphere Breaker, but they found a new place to roam, I was sure. Luca was the home of Blitzball.
Dezba and I arrived inside Luca around mid-morning, though I figured it had to be closer to the afternoon, since I was feeling so lazy. Another day off from work would do me some good, given my most recent revelation.
As we walked through the bustling city, we received rare looks from the older people and big, glamorous smiles from the younger people, many of them performers. Either they liked my chocobo—who I had adorned with several of the cutest fashion trends in the world, from studded ankle bracers to an intricately woven headdress—or the recognized me as one of the Gullwings. I prayed it wasn't the latter.
We continued on and people cheered at my fancy chocobo and for a while, I believe that my little Dezba liked the attention. He was always special to me, but I think of all the Al Bhed there, I was the only one who thought so. To everyone else, he was just a pack mule. But to me, he was a magnificent creature, a beautiful creature. He was my Dezba and that made him special.
"Hey! Momma! Look at her chocobo!" one boy said loudly, pointing at me from his father's shoulders as we walked past them. "He's so pretty! Momma, can't I have one just like hers? Oh please, Momma?"
The mother looked amused and she reminded me of the woman from yesterday. I smiled sadly, remembering how I had just run out of her house after she'd been so nice to me. I kinda owe her an apology. Nervously, I directed Dezba towards the lesser-filled part of Luca, using my legs instead of my hands as a gentle, pushing guide. He complied subconsciously; it was usually how we reacted to one another. We'd spent so much time together that things of that sort had become second nature to us after a while. It was just something we knew how to do, even if we'd never become fully aware of learning how to do it.
For a while, we just traveled around the vast port city, taking in all of the wonderful sights with hungry eyes. We gobbled up the elusive Blitzball stadium and gorged ourselves full with the colorfully decorated market place. We were full with the beautiful city, though I wouldn't have minded seeing a little more.
"You're as greedy as they come," a soft voice mused from behind me.
Turning Dezba around, I saw a slender woman in her late forties. She smiled when our eyes met and I couldn't help but return the open-handed gesture. She'd always been so kind to me, even when everyone else was too worried about being on the receiving end of my bad temper to make a notion towards me. I think that's why I liked her so much. Despite my dejected and ornery attitude as of late, she never once faltered and never pretended that I wasn't in the same room. I think that's why Cid liked her so much, too. She was an older version of me, all smiles and sunshine no matter what.
"Hello, Miss Rosemary," I said, jumping down from my mount on Dezba's back. He chirped at her happily too, rushing to greet her with his affectionate beak nuzzling.
"Hello, Rikku," she said politely. Taking Dezba into her arms, she gave him a warm hug and another of her wonderful smiles. "Hello to you, too, Dezba. It's been a long time since I've seen either of you. But, I'll admit, you're looking better, Rikku. You look more determined than I've seen you look in a long time."
She regarded me with her deep, swirling eyes and under her intent gaze, I was bashful. When you're caught in the middle of something, in the middle of such a treacherous storm, you can't see past the storm to see the damage that's been caused. It's only in the aftermath of all the despair that you realize how important everything was that you destroyed. I guess I'd gotten caught up in my own dismal existence, too.
"I've…decided that I can't spend all of my time trying to figure out things that don't make sense," I said, choosing my words carefully.
"Let's talk inside," she said, turning so that we could follow her into the wonderful boutique made of beauty.
Inside of the flower shop, aside from the lovely flowers that stemmed tactfully from every corner of the store, there was a counter, a wooden table and several round-seated chairs that were strewn carelessly around the room in a rather unique design. The floor was made of tile, the outer edges coming together to make a beautiful mosaic of a color, legendary flower. Each time I saw that beautiful floor, I couldn't help but light up with joyful curiosity, no matter how depressed I'd become.
Rosemary lived upstairs, granting her an easy morning transaction between work and home. In fact, she'd even integrated some of her home things with the shop, including the lovely little teakettle that was pushed into a tiny fireplace, pushed away from the delicate flowers. It sat on the other side of the rather comfortably sized boutique. Rosemary lived upstairs. To get there, all one had to do was go into the back of the boutique and follow the tidy wooden stairs up. There, she had her bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and even a quaint living room. One could not expect less of Rosemary, who'd dedicated her life to seeing the beauty in everything. Her eyes, well aged and experienced, had seen an entire lifetime of beauty and I envied her for that.
"Have a seat," she said, indicating one of the chairs. As I went to take a seat, Dezba following behind me, she made a move towards the kettle, took two mugs out and poured water into the colorful mugs. "The last time we talked, you actually opened up some. Today, I don't think that will be a problem. So, talk."
"I told you about Paine and Yuna the last time I was here," I said hesitantly, vaguely recalling the last time I'd visited, nearly two months ago. Cid had me running an errand back then, too. "Well, like I said before, I'm not feeling inclined to talk to them. I feel as though they've cut me from their lives."
"That caused you a great deal of pain," she said, setting the mug in front of me. "That is easy to understand. They were your two best friends, weren't they?"
"That's right."
"Did you try talking to them about it?"
"There wasn't any point, or at least, if there was, I didn't see it. Besides, they seemed happy. I couldn't let my problems ruin their lives. I wanted them to have a chance at a normal life and everything, you know? It would have been selfish of me to complain about missing them. I couldn't do that to them—they're my best friends," I sighed, wrapping my hands around the mug before me. "I just wanted them to be happy."
"Thinking about the needs of others before the needs of one's self is a noble trait, Rikku. But, if you forget to take care of yourself, then you've no one to blame but yourself. The pain you are feeling is your need to be selfish, a need that you're denying," Rosemary said, taking a timid sip from her mug. "If you never address the problem, then it won't ever work itself out. That is detrimental to your health, Rikku."
"That's kinda what Shinra said," I admitted begrudgingly.
"He's a smart kid. And he's obviously worried about you. Someone has to make sure you don't just go running away from things that scare you. Do you remember how you got over your fear of lightning?" she asked.
"I camped out in the Thunder Plains," I said. Offhandedly, I added, "For a week."
"The same is true for your fear of rejection. That is what you're afraid of. You don't worry that your friends have abandoned you because you haven't been faced with that thought. You're afraid of knowing the truth, Rikku, so you assume things, things that may or may not be true. That gives you a false sense of comfort. It allowed you to be numb. You turned you aloneness into something stronger, something you could use to free yourself from the pain of being in the world without your friends close to you."
"Is it so bad…running away?" I asked, knowing that my happy bubble would burst when she answered me.
But she didn't say anything. She just looked up at me from her mug, her green, swirling eyes penetrating deeper than I would have thought possible. And then it burst open, my swollen heart throbbing painfully in my chest. She was absolutely right. Earlier, when I made my declaration, I did it because I felt sorry for myself, but I wasn't brave enough to learn the truth. So I made one up, one that would suit my needs. I lied to myself and made myself believe that they had truly forgotten about me. That gave me the strength to kick aside my sadness and act out, for I had a justifiable reason—real or otherwise. But she was right and now that I knew that, I couldn't pretend anymore.
"You have to face things head on. Assuming they no longer want to have you in their lives, does that make you feel any better? In your mind, you're still wondering if that's what really happened. You want to know—you're longing for that satisfaction. You owe it to yourself to find out the truth," Rosemary said, having grasped my trembling hands in an attempt to ease my faltering composure back into a serene state. It worked…for a while.
"I don't wanna know," I whimpered, my voice soft and so Rikku-like. "I don't wanna know the truth."
"Are you afraid?"
"If I pretend they don't want me, then at least I can act like that's a lie every now at then. I'm only pretending to be mad at them now so that I can move on with my life. If I find out the truth and it's something I can't handle, then where does that leave me?" I asked her, peering into her bright eyes that seemed to smile back at me.
"It gives you closure. One way or another, you'll be free to live your life, either building it back up into something that you like, or rekindling your lost friendship with those two people who mean the most to you," the older Al Bhed woman said, her voice strong in the presence of my faltering foundation. I drew upon her strength and found it easier to breathe. "You have to let your wounds heal, Rikku. Going on the way you're doing now, you'll only cause yourself more pain. Festering wounds bring about sickness and disease. Do you want to be the death to all of your other relationships?"
I shook my head vigorously, my braids and loose tendrils flailing about wildly in a golden flurry. I didn't want to have to live through this again and I didn't want to force anyone else to feel this kind of pain. It wasn't fair to anyone to feel so miserable.
"Get your closure. You have to at least talk to them, Rikku," she pleaded with me. "Find out the truth before you go jumping to farfetched and unfounded assumptions. You'd be surprised at how often the best intentions go awry. I'd hate to have you consumed by this pain. I don't want to lose my favorite person in the world."
Rosemary took me in her arms then and she felt very much like a mother. I embraced her and it wasn't forced or faked. I enjoyed her company and she always had a way of making me see the errors of my own ways without insulting my pride. She was a kind Al Bhed woman, one I wouldn't have minded my father marrying. I liked her very much, and she made him happy too.
"Thank you," I murmured against her shoulder, my salty tears dampening her cotton blouse. She didn't seem to mind at all; she only held me tighter. "I don't know what I'd do without you and Pops. I've felt so lost these last few months. But now…I can't run away anymore. I wanna be Rikku again. I don't want to…I want things to go back to how they used to be, even if that means that I don't have my two best friends."
"But at least you'll have yourself," she encouraged, slowly pulling away from me. She held me at arm's length and smiled, her hands on either of my shoulders. "You need yourself most."
"You're right," I agreed, nodding my head firmly. With the back of my arm, I wiped away my tears. I went over to her sink and wiped my face with cold water. "Thank you so much, Miss Rosemary."
"Think nothing of it. It's the least I can do for such a lovely young girl like you. I suppose I'm being selfish there," she said thoughtfully.
"Selfish? How?"
"I want you to feel better so that I can see your sunny smile again. You've no idea how much I've missed it. But you know, I believe it's your father who's missed it most," she said.
"Cid misses me smiling?" I blurted, outright aghast.
"Very much so. I suspect he isn't the only Al Bhed who's missed it. You're most beautiful when you're smiling Rikku. You look wonderful when you're happy," she said, cupping my cheek with her hand gently. "Don't ever forget that and don't ever let anyone stop you from smiling again."
"Yes, ma'am."
-----------------------------------------------------
I was quick to resume my usually carefree self. Rosemary made me promise to take care of myself, so I would do just that. I wouldn't do anything that was painful to me anymore. It was not like I went out my way to harm myself in the first place. More or less, I just did things and other things—usually unforeseen side affects—occurred. I had nothing to do with them. But I didn't stop them from continuing on. I just let them happen, ultimately causing myself some serious pain in the end.
Rosemary walked me to the door and waved her farewells to me, making me promise to give Cid a letter, which held a very womanly scent to it and something that resembled pouting lips. Did she kiss this frikken thing? Oh, gross! Still, I promised. Shoving it into my back pocket—unbelievable since I was wearing hardly more than Speedo-styled shorts. Still, I managed. She told me, "Take care of yourself," and then she closed the door.
Outside of the flower boutique, I strapped Cid's package to Dezba's harness, deciding it would be safer there. Anything held in my clumsy hands was bound to become broken, lost or a very dangerous combination of the two. That was another reason why Cid's initial decision to send me as an errand boy was a bit skeptical.
"All right. All systems go," I said to Dezba, my hands set firmly on my hips. "Still, I think we should get something to eat while we're here."
He chirped loudly, bouncing from foot to foot to emphasize his point, I assumed. Climbing onto his back, we began moseying through the thickly packed streets, following our loudly growling stomachs to some place familiar. Whenever we came to Luca, we always went to the same place. It wasn't that we didn't visit other places; we had but we liked our place better. That was where we were headed, or rather, it's where we would have been headed if a light, melodic voice hadn't reached my ears at that very moment.
Peering around, I caught a glimpse of a long, brown braid turning a corner. My heart stopped beating in my chest and I had to concentrate just to remember how to breathe. When I did manage to inhale, I couldn't remember why I felt so out of place.
Was that Yuna?
I didn't stop to weigh out my options long. Time was slowly slipping away from me. There was no telling how many twists and turns someone could take in the city of Luca. Losing someone was easy here, especially if one was allowed to be swallowed up in the messy sea of people. It was hard enough maneuvering my way through them, let alone be stuck with a task of trying to pick someone out of their messy ranks. I urged Dezba forward, uncouthly barreling through unsuspecting victims, many of them completely unscathed. However, I don't think I could say the same for that woman I just knocked over.
"Oh! Sorry about that!" I called over my shoulder, my momentum building, thought I felt like falling.
We dashed through the semi-crowded street, Dezba skidding to a halt to avoid slamming into a very tall man. I grimaced at him, my upper lip curling back to expose my teeth. Eugh. I quickly diverted Dezba to another pass, one that took a fairly large amount of time just to avoid that large, ogre-like man. Peering over the many heads of busily moving people, I was granted the foresight to see Yuna, who was cheerfully chatting with a much darker companion at her side.
Paine's here too? Yuna and Paine are here…they're really here…this isn't a dream?
I pushed Dezba forward and we made our way through the crowd of people, only this time, when I knocked someone over, I didn't bother saying sorry. I pushed onward, not caring how many people were hurt in the process. I wanted to see Paine and Yuna and tell them how I really felt. I wanted to get this off my chest before I exploded. They had the right to know, as did I.
We reached a narrow passageway that was close to the dock, where dozens of people were angrily recovering from being run over by a chocobo. When Dezba stopped, I catapulted my nimble form from his back and scraped my knee against the ground. It didn't stop me, though. I kept moving, using my hands to thrust me forward. I saw the two of them walking together, nearing the end of the narrow passage, and end that had no exit. I ran as fast as my legs would carry me, rocketing closer to them, my two best friends.
"Yuna!" I cried. "Paine!"
"What do you want now?" Paine asked, turning on her heel to glare at me with her blood red eyes. I froze under her cold glare, forgetting how to breathe again. "Nobody wants you around anymore. Don't you get that? Go crawl under a rock."
"That's not nice, Paine," Yuna said and I reveled in her voice, the voice of reason. "I honestly don't think the rock would appreciate having something like her buried beneath it. I've got a better idea, though. Why not just disappear? It's much easier that way—just go away."
"Yuna? Paine? It's—it's me. It's Rikku," I pleaded, though my vision was already blurring from the tears that were swelling in my eyes, threatening to spill forward at any moment. "Why are you…why are you saying those things?"
"No one likes you," someone said behind me. I turned to see another Yuna, standing beside another Paine.
"No one wants you around," the second Paine said, her arms crossed over her chest to show her nonchalance. "Don't you get that?"
"Don't you take a hint? Stop writing us letters. No one cares about what you do in the sand. Machina aren't important," a third Yuna said, her face scrunched up into something ugly.
"You're not important," another Paine said, her back to me.
They all turned on me then, their laughing, evil faces haunting my mind. I tried to run away from them, but their fingers wrapped around my arms and legs, preventing me from fulfilling my need for flight. Fighting wasn't an option. My vision blacked out again, be it from the tears that were swelling or my mind trying to erase the ugliness of my situation. Beneath me, my legs buckled and my balance was suddenly lost. I fell to the ground, pulling my body very close to me, but I couldn't drown out the sounds of my impending doom, the shuffling of their feet growling menacingly at me.
"Kad yfyo vnus sa!" I shouted, clamping my hands over my ears, only vaguely aware that I was screaming in my native tongue. It didn't matter. I was too far-gone to think logically. It could have been possible that at least one person understood me, right? "Tuh'd lusa yho lmucan! Please…just leave me alone…"
"Rikku—just disappear!" they chanted. "Leave us alone. Get out of our lives and leave us alone."
"Mayja sa ymuha! Please, just go away and leave me alone. I don't deserve this! I don't want to hear anymore. Just go away! Go away!" I screamed again, tugging myself free from someone's grasp. It had to be one of the Yunas that was there, given that I heard a girlish gasp immediately after. "Ku yfyo!"
I felt them standing over me, their hands reaching out closer towards me. I screamed loudly into the air, flailing about madly. All the while, I kept repeating, "Ku yfyo," though I doubted anyone could hear me over the thundering roar of the Celsius.
-----------------------------------------------------
"What happened to her, Rosie?" I heard Cid ask, his voice shaken with worry. It was the first time I'd ever heard him be unsure of himself.
"I gave her some tea before she left. We talked and then she left. The best I can assume is that she had a bad reaction to the tea. When I found her, she was already out of it, Cid. It was Dezba who came to get me," Rosemary explained, her voice never wavering, though it was easy to tell how concerned she was.
But I wonder who she's talking about. Did she and I rescue someone together…?
"That damn girl," Cid cursed halfheartedly. Anyone who knew him could detect the underlying presence of his relief. "I swear, that Rikku will be the death of me, I swear it. She's always gettin herself into these messes…"
"Pa kmyt dryd cra'c ymm nekrd, Cid," Rosemary soothed, and from the silence that ensued, I assumed she'd kissed him to keep him from fussing. It was bad for his heart, after all. "She is all right now. She's here with you now. There's no need to worry anymore. So stop fussing."
Cid grumbled but didn't say another word. I could tell from the silence that Rosemary had made her point and Cid, being her lap dog, could do nothing but accept her command. But if he didn't have anything to fuss about, he was left without a life's purpose. I wish I could have seen that.
"I wonder what she was so stressed out about," someone else said, someone who sounded much closer and worried.
"Isn't it obvious? After all that we've done to her…can you blame her for cracking? Do you think either of us could have handled the same thing we did to her?" another voice asked, this one colder and aloof, like whatever was bothering everyone else was not bothering her.
"You could have," the worried voice commented, a hint of laughter sparking to life before it was quickly doused by the flood of worry. "But looking at her like that—I feel so guilty about all of this. Knowing that we did this to her—how can you sit there so calmly?"
"She needs to rest. It doesn't do me any good to fuss over someone who's not even conscious enough to know that," the colder voice said airily. "Besides, with all your worrying, she might wake up and then you'll only feel worse for disturbing her."
"What would you have me do?" she asked shrilly.
"Sit down."
There was shuffling and then silence. Except, I know I could hear something else. It was someone—or something—breathing very closely to me. I could feel the warmth of its breath against my cheek and I knew immediately from the exasperated purring chirp that it was Dezba lying beside me. It was his feathery body that I was feeling. That was comforting.
"Stop that, Yuna," the cold voice said, slightly annoyed. I knew that voice. It was Paine and from what she'd said, Yuna was there too. "Worrying solves nothing. We can explain it all to her when she wakes up."
"If she wakes up," Yuna croaked, her voice drenched in worry and self-resentment. "You heard what Rosemary said. She suffered a serious mental trauma. She may not ever wake up again and then what do we do?"
"This is Rikku we're talking about," Paine snapped, finally fed up with ex-High Summoner's antics. "Rikku won't let anything get her down. Trauma or not, she's still Rikku. Give her a little more credit, won't you?"
Yuna became quiet and I could tell that Paine was leaning against some wall or another. She never really sat; she was never that comfortable with other people to indulge in such trivial comforts. Yuna was sitting though; that's what she did when she was worried. She either paced—which she'd just been doing—or she sat and submerged herself in doubt. She was never really sure of anything she did. It seemed real enough, but hadn't I just seen about half a dozen of them? For all I knew, this could be another of my mental delusions, which meant that Rosemary had been right, yet again. My denial led to delusions. But somehow, I knew I wanted to be dreaming; I wasn't ready to face them if this was real.
What could I say to them? How would I react…? I didn't know and I wasn't ready to find out. I need a practice run or two—or twelve—before I could do this. I didn't want to forget anything and I didn't want to remember things I shouldn't have. Short, simple and to the point—that was how it needed to be.
If this was a delusion—if this wasn't real, then I wondered what it meant. I wondered what the connection was. At least, when you hallucinate in the desert, you see something you want. You see an oasis—water in the desert—at least it's something desirable, even if impossible. I could understand that. What I didn't understand was why they were here. I could have stood for an oasis…I felt like I was in a desert anyway.
But those two?
-----------------------------------------------------
Author's Note: This was chapter 3. I hope everyone is enjoying this so far. As a side note, I'll put the translations at the bottom. It saves space up there, since most of the time, the context will help with the meaning.
It would mean the world to me if you would review and give me your honest opinion. Thank you.
Translations
Kad yfyo vnus sa! – Get away from me!
Tuh'd lusa yho lmucan! –Don't come any closer!
Mayja sa ymuha! – Leave me alone!
Ku yfyo! – Go away!
Pa kmyt dryd cra'c ymm nekrd. – Be glad that she's all right.