Much waited until midevening before heading to Knighton. Once there he stood looking up at her window trying to figure out the best way to go about this. Finally he decided to just climb up. After all Robin did it all the time how difficult could it be?

By the time he managed to make it up to her window he was completely out of breath and barely hanging on the small ledge. Marian who was sitting on her bed noticed and ran over to help pulling him in and sitting him on the chest by the window.

After he had regained his breath he pointed to the window "That looks far less difficult when Robin does it."

Marian tensed at the mention of Robin sudden worry overwhelming her. "What are you doing here, Much? Has something happened to Robin?

"Yes, in a way. He is heartbroken again thanks to you."

"How is that my fault? He chose to leave me. If you are here to chastise me you can leave immediately."

"No. I'm here as a friend to try and help you understand Robin better, to make you see the truth. Just listen please."

Marian nodded and sat back down on her bed waiting for Much to speak.

"I can understand why it is so hard for you to trust Robin and let yourself love him again. When he left it devastated you. You worry that if he left you again you would never recover. I can see the pain you try to hide but I can also see Robin's pain. You've been caught up in your own feelings but have you ever stopped to think that Robin has suffered too these past few years?"

Marian looked at Much shocked at his understanding and how clearly he saw things. She lowered her head and whispered no.

"Believe me he has hurt too as badly if not worse than you have. He would kill me for telling you any of this but you need to hear it."

Much paused thinking over the words carefully then looked her straight in the eyes.

"When I told you he had dreams of you in the Holy Land I did not mean occasionally. Almost every night he dreamt of you. He told me about them once. Sometimes he dreamt he was with you and you were telling him that you hated him, that you had never loved him. Then you'd disappear and he'd be surrounded by the blackest, coldest darkness. You'd appear as a bright light at the edge of the darkness. No matter how far he walked or how often he called your name you remained unreachable. Those dreams he awoke from screaming fearing they were too close to the truth and maybe they were."

"Other times, most times actually, he dreamt of the life he once had and wanted with everything in him to have again. Of being home in Locksley and being safe. Of just being with you and you loving him. Simple things really but those dreams gave him the strength to continue living. There wasn't a moment when his thoughts weren't of you."

Marian looked at Much and didn't quite know what to say. He was right. She had been so focused on herself and what she had been through that she had never considered that leaving might have been as difficult for Robin as being left was for her. That she had filled Robin's thoughts as much as he had hers.

"Robin has never really spoken about his time in the Holy Land and I want to know what was it like?"

Much looked at Marian clearly torn as to whether he should tell her of those things. After all war was an ugly business and she was a lady.

"Please Much. You say you want me to understand Robin but how can I fully understand him if I don't know of the thing that has shaped the man he now is?"

After a moment Much nodded. This was Marian after all who had been fighting the sheriff long before he and Robin had returned, who had almost died trying to steal Gisbourne's money. She was hardly a typical woman. He supposed that was why Robin loved her so much, why he himself loved her though not quite in the same way.

Marian watched as he seemed to gather all his inner strength and shadows overcame him, his eyes getting a very distant look in them. After a moment he finally spoke.

"The Crusades were…hell on earth. That's the only way I can think to describe it. It did not take us long to discover this was a most unholy war. What a ridiculous name for a war anyway holy as if killing was ever holy or noble. It was so hot you felt like you cooking in your own armor and you would have given anything for rain. Can you imagine that hoping for rain? The things we saw were…unimaginable. The desert for as far as you could see covered in bodies lying there so dense you could barely walk between them. Some with guts and brains hanging out or limbs hacked off. The sand would be red from all the blood. Just solid red. The screams of dying men. The smell of the corpses rotting in the heat was… the fowlest thing you can imagine. They'd pile up before we had a chance to bury all of them. Not just after one battle was it like that it was a constant. It's funny after a while you got used to seeing so much death and destruction and it didn't bother you any longer. Even the smell you got used to. The Holy Land killed something in all of us took a little piece of our souls, made us less than whole men and more like animals."

Much paused looking up at Marian. She noticed his hands were shaking. She was chilled to the bone from the images that Robin and he had seen. If she was this disturbed from hearing it how scarred must they be from seeing such things for five years. He took a deep breath clearing the ghosts of war from his thoughts for the moment at least.

"In that hell you were Robin's reason to live. He clung to the small hope that you were waiting for him, that you still loved him. You can make Robin whole again help him escape his nightmares. "

"How?"

"By truly forgiving him and loving him."

Marian wanted to do that but one question remained. "He left me for glory. Glory meant more to him than I did"

"He didn't leave you for glory. Sure, that's what he went after but that's not the reason he left. Think about it his father had just died. Robin was 19 really still a boy. He didn't feel capable of running Locksley or of being a good husband and providing for you. He went to war hoping it would make him more capable and a man you would be proud of. He was never running from you or from his responsibilities. If anything he went for you and he certainly didn't expect to be gone so long. Admittedly it wasn't the smartest decision but his heart was in the right place."

Marian had always suspected that was the reason. "I was proud of him and still am. He is a good man. He did not need to prove himself to me"

Much nodded. "I know that but Robin has always felt somewhat unworthy of you."

That she had never suspected because Robin always acted as though every woman should love him. "Still what has changed? He still loves glory or he wouldn't be Robin Hood. He loves me no more now than he did then."

"I don't believe he is doing what he is now for glory. When we came back all Robin wanted was to settle down to a nice quiet life with you but when he saw what was happening to the people he set those hopes aside. He feels responsible for what has happened, that if he had stayed he could have prevented things somehow. Now he feels that by again doing what he felt was right he may lose you. He is very hard on himself and hates himself for his mistakes. I think also that maybe this is his way of punishing himself for his choices and for all the killing he did in the Holy Land. He wouldn't leave you again. Robin needs you much more than you realize. When you told him you had decided to marry Gisbourne he was going to leave Nottingham forever. He didn't care that the King would die and he would lose his lands forever. All he cared about was that he was losing you. Haven't you punished him enough for a silly boyhood mistake that he has regretted from the moment he left you? You love him just as much I know you do. Why be alone when you and he can be happier than you were before?"

"You are a good friend, Much. Robin is lucky to have you. I will think about what you have said."

Much smiled at her. He went to climb back out the window but Marian stopped him.

"Why not take the stairs? Wouldn't want you to break your neck."

"Right. Probably is a better idea." He quietly exited her room leaving Marian alone with her thoughts.

She couldn't help but believe Much. He was hardly the type to lie even for Robin. She had been punishing Robin, on a subconscious level, trying to hurt him as badly as he had hurt her. Now that she knew what he had been through she was filled with guilt. It was amazing how clearly Much understood people. Robin wasn't the only fool around it seemed. She would go see him tomorrow and hope he could forgive her.