Lister leaned in close to Rimmer but not in a friendly way. He narrowed his eyes. "Rimmer, you better not be saying what I think you're saying," he said.

Rimmer leaned back against the wall and crossed his arms. "Okay Lister, you tell me. What are you planning on doing with them?"

Lister scrunched up his face, and opened and closed his mouth several times, struggling for words. "But look at them, man, they're only babies. They've barely had a chance at life."

Rimmer sighed. "Yes. But the question remains, what are we going to do with them? They're getting bigger all the time. You think you'll be able to cram them under the sink forever?"

"Well Todhunter's not gonna keep on coming round to look in our room, is he? He's never done it before," Lister said, sitting down on the floor next to Frankenstein.

"If I know anything about Todhunter, he won't stop looking until he finds something."

"You don't know he's looking for them," Lister said, running his fingers down Frankenstein's spine. She curled her tail upwards and rubbed her face against his hand.

"He said they. Whatever he's looking for, there's several of them."

"That could mean anything, Rimmer," Lister said, waving a hand dismissively.

"Well maybe he's looking for them and maybe he isn't, but the point stands Lister, if anyone sees those cats, our careers will be down the drain and they'll be in next week's mixed curry."

"Oh, don't listen to that smeghead, Frankie," Lister said, putting his hands over the cat's ears.

"You can call me what you like, but I'm right and you damn well know it," Rimmer said, putting his hands on his hips. "You have no idea what you're going to do with them because you don't think, do you? The most you've ever planned is what to have for your next meal."

Lister felt a pain in his chest. Rimmer insulted him all the time and it rolled off him like water off a duck's back. But this time it really hurt. "Ey," he said, stroking Frankenstein's head. "I have plans."

"You do?"

"Yeah. I've always dreamed of buying some land in Fiji and starting a farm."

"I can't believe I actually fell for it. Of course you don't have plans."

"I do! I'm going to get a cow and a sheep and breed horses."

"With a cow and a sheep?"

"No. With horses and horses."

"Well Listy, as much as I'd love to join you in your fantasy world, unfortunately some of us have to live in reality."

"So you are coming, then? Brutal. 'Cause lately I have been thinking about the cats and you being there with me," Lister said. He looked up at Rimmer and tugged his trouser leg companionably.

Rimmer sighed. "I think we're going to need a more realistic plan."

"Why? What's wrong with dreaming about the life you really want? Don't you ever do that?"

"Lister, I'm living the life I want. I want to be here on this ship. Of course, I'm an officer in my dream, but I'm working on that."

"And what about us, man? Where do me and Frankie and the kittens figure in your dream?"

"Well," Rimmer said, seriously thinking about it. "You don't."

"Right, I see. That's how it is, is it?" Lister said flatly.

"Well, did you even stop to think if I wanted to live in Fiji? Did you, hmm?"

"Well no, but, I just figured you wouldn't leave your family," Lister said, gesturing at the cats.

Rimmer sat down on the floor next to Lister. Dante came walking unsteadily towards him, his tail sticking straight up. Rimmer scooped him up and held him in his arms. The little black kitten started purring. "What are we going to do, Lister?" he said quietly.

"Do you really not want to come to Fiji?" Lister asked, leaning over and bumping Rimmer's shoulder with his own.

"The ship's not scheduled to stop on Earth for another four years. By that time we'll have eight adult cats, and that's if there's no funny business between them."

"Rimmer! They're brothers and sisters."

"In the animal kingdom, there are no such qualms about getting it on with relatives. Don't you remember when they Titan Zoo got the last two surviving tigers? How do you think they brought them back from the brink of extinction?"

Lister raised his eyebrows. "Oh," he said, and looked at the cats again. "We can keep 'em here for now, right?"

Rimmer nodded. "We don't have much choice. But next time there's an opportunity for shore leave on a hospitable planet, we need to take them on a one-way trip." He placed Dante down on the floor, and the kitten wobbled over to huddle next to his mother.

Lister focused his attention on the cats, and kept on stroking Frankenstein. He wanted to protest, he wanted to shout, he wanted to call Rimmer every name under the sun. But he felt a sense of resignation settle over him. Rimmer had a point, and Lister liked to think that he said what he did because he did care, about all of them. It was just that all this time he really hadn't wanted to face this.

Rimmer gave Lister a single pat on the shoulder, then got up and left him with the cats. This conversation had been long overdue, but that didn't make it any easier. He wondered if he should hug Lister, like he had done when Rimmer had failed his exam. But this was different. He couldn't help but feel responsible for Lister's sadness. He felt a pang of regret as he realised Lister might grow to hate him because of this. But those things needed saying. He was being nothing but sensible and responsible. This couldn't have been the wrong thing to do, he told himself. But then why did it feel that way?

That night, Lister was restless and struggled to sleep. He kept thinking of the cats, and wanted to bring them up to sleep in his bunk with him, but he didn't want to risk them falling over the edge. He pretended to be asleep when Rimmer got up, and Rimmer didn't attempt to wake him to go to breakfast.

It felt like last night's discussion had driven a wedge between them. Lister didn't know if Rimmer was annoyed with him for thinking they could keep the cats in their quarters forever. He didn't want to fall out with Rimmer, but the cats were important to him and he loved them. Rimmer knew that, didn't he?

Lister didn't want to think about it, but if they were going to leave the cats on some planet, what then? The cats had become his entire life. Without them, what did he have left? He and Rimmer would have no reason to go on pretending to be together. Would they go back to how they used to be? Could they go back to how they used to be? They'd become undeniably closer these past few weeks, but would that just disappear once it went back to it being just the two of them in the bunkroom? Maybe things would be even worse than before.

They still hadn't talked about it, not properly. But the way Rimmer held his hand and let him snuggle up to him while they watched the film last night gave him hope. And that hadn't been their only private moment of intimacy. Those moments made Lister sure that deep down, Rimmer wanted to be with him too. But would Rimmer ever admit to it? And once the cats were gone, Lister wasn't sure how he would feel. The thought of losing Rimmer as well as the cats seemed too much to bear. But Lister was already feeling bitter towards Rimmer for suggesting they abandon the cats on some unknown planet. He feared the resentment might grow until he wanted nothing to do with the man.

How could things go from being so perfect to being so awful? Nothing had changed yet, but already everything seemed so bleak.

Lister had lost his appetite, but he got up a little while before his shift to feed Frankenstein and give her and her kittens a pet on the head, then another one for good measure. Then he half-heartedly laced his boots and stumbled out of the room to the nearest vending machine to get himself a coffee.

Just his luck, it was out of order. He considered giving up and going back to bed for another hour instead, but then he decided to walk to the next one.

He instantly regretted that decision when he saw Kochanski at the vending machine, getting herself a coffee. Seeing her in her neat uniform made him feel scruffy in the clothes he had slept in and with one boot that had come unfastened.

"Hi Dave," she said.

"Hi," he said, shuffling over to the vending machine with his laces slapping against the floor.

"You all right? You don't look like yourself."

Lister forced a smile and nodded. "I'm fine."

"I've got ten minutes left of my break, why don't we go sit down and drink these?"

Lister didn't feel like talking to Kochanski right now, but he found himself agreeing.

Kochanski pulled a silver chain from under her shirt collar after they sat down together. There was a small heart locket attached to it. "Do you like it? Tim bought it for me."

"'s'nice," Lister said, warming his hands on the coffee he realised he no longer wanted, and taking a puff of his cigarette.

Kochanski smiled and tucked the necklace back under her shirt. "So how are you and Arnold?"

"Fine," said Lister.

"So, not fine, then?" Kochanski said knowingly.

"Well we had a bit of a disagreement last night."

"What about?"

"Oh, erm, nothing really," Lister said, regretting bringing it up. He had to be careful about what he said.

"Well, all couples argue, Dave. It doesn't mean you don't love each other."

"Mm," Lister said, taking another drag of his cigarette.

"You do love him, right?"

Lister opened his mouth but found himself hesitating. "Of course," he said.

"And he loves you?"

Lister tapped his cigarette on the edge of the ashtray. "I dunno."

"You don't know?" Kochanski said, pausing with her cup halfway to her mouth.

"I mean, I think so? We've never actually discussed it."

"Well maybe you ought to," she said, her bright blue eyes boring into him.

"It's complicated, Krissie."

"Maybe you're just making it complicated."

"Trust me, I'm not," Lister said, looking down into his cup.

"Relationships are supposed to be fun, Dave. When was the last time you two let your hair down and had a good time?"

Lister thought back to that time in the Copcabana when Rimmer had come to find him. That wasn't a good example. Come to think of it, he didn't think he'd ever seen Rimmer let his hair down. "A while ago," he said.

Kochanski laughed to herself. "No, that's a stupid idea," she said to herself, shaking her head.

"What?"

"I was just thinking, maybe we could go on a double date. It might be fun."

Lister spent the rest of the week trying to think of how to bring up his true feelings with Rimmer, while actually not speaking to him very much. It was driving him mad. It felt like some kind of horrendously difficult puzzle he had to solve. Part of him believed that if he got Rimmer to see how he really felt about him, he'd change his mind about getting rid of the cats too. And everything would be ticketty-boo, as Rimmer liked to say.

As it turned out, Lister found it easier to convince Rimmer to go on a double date with Kochanski and Tim than to talk to him about his feelings. He hated to admit it even to himself, but pretending was easier than being real.

After a few drinks, the awkwardness between the four of them started to subside.

"Yeah, that's Rimmer all right, always up at the crack of dawn," Lister said, elbowing his bunkmate.

"You don't really still call each other by your last names all the time, do you?" Kochanski said.

"No no, of course not, that'd be silly," Lister said, and glanced at Rimmer.

"Tim calls me honeybunch," Kochanski said, smiling at him as he put an arm around her.

"And Kris calls me babe," Tim said, smiling back. The two of them looked into each other's eyes for a moment, then kissed.

"So come on, tell us, Dave. What do you call each other?" Kochanski asked.

"Well," Lister said, smiling. "He sometimes calls me Listy."

"That's so cute!" Kochanski said.

"It's not supposed to be cute!" Rimmer bristled.

"Calm down, darlin'," Lister said, laying a hand on Rimmer's arm.

Rimmer tried to take a casual drink, but he knew he was turning red.

"You two are so much fun, we should really do this again, shouldn't we, babe?" Kochanski said.

"Yeah," Tim said, but he didn't sound convinced.

They stayed for a few more drinks, but Rimmer made sure to drag Lister away before either of them accidently said something incriminating.

"I think Kochanski had a point about us calling each other by our last names. What do you think, Arnold?" Lister said as they walked back to their quarters.

Rimmer visibly tensed up. "Arnold is so formal. It sounds like you're telling me off."

"What should I call you, then?"

"Oh I don't know, Arn, Arnie, or you could use my old nickname."

"Which is?"

"Oh come on Listy, you know it's Ace."

Lister had to casually cover his mouth to stop himself laughing. "That's the first I've heard of this."

"What does it matter, anyway?"

"It matters because this has got to be believable, honeybunch," Lister said, grinning.

Rimmer shuddered. "Never call me that again."

"All right, all right, I won't," Lister said, laughing at Rimmer's reaction.

"I really don't think we need to go this far. If we go over the top, people might smell a rat. I mean, who really acts all mushy like this? It's not natural."

"I think it's nice actually. I could get used to this," Lister said, leaning closer to Rimmer.

Rimmer shook his head and sat down to take his boots off. "Well, I'm bushed. Time to turn in."

"Arnie."

Rimmer didn't look up but the tone of Lister's voice worried him.

"Don't ignore me."

"I'm not ignoring you, Lister."

Lister took a breath. He didn't feel ready for this, but he felt like he was running out of time. "What if," he began, "what if we just… stopped pretending."

Rimmer stood up again. "But- but what about the cats?"

"No, that's not what I meant. I mean, what if this was real," Lister said, pointing his thumb at himself then Rimmer. "I did mean what I said, you know. I love you, man." He found himself smiling nervously. Rimmer was just standing there staring at him with a fixed expression on his face. "I'm not that bad, am I?"

Rimmer was quiet for a long time. "I- I need to think about this," he said eventually. Lister still didn't know what to make of his expression.