My Nihilist World Destroyer Can't Be This…Weird?

In the beginning, there was only darkness.

Then, God came and said―Wait, wrong introductory line!

Redo! I request a redo!

Although, how should she begin then? First impressions of a character were important, so she had to get this done right!

With that being said, the inclusion of her most prominent concern, that was to say the darkness surrounding her entire existence, was a must, obviously. Using it for a secretive vibe of sorts as if this was the eerie beginning of a mystery novel was a sure way to grant some extra points to her image.

Or aiming for a poetic style was the way to go about this? Making a complex yet concise comparison between the cycles of life and death, and how do they all always involve the absence of light would give it that necessary touch of deep, perhaps? A metaphor of sorts in which it explored the trope of how a new life was surging out of the endless void only to meditate about the tragedy that was meeting once again with it at the very end as if it were a reencounter with an old friend.

Of course, perhaps she was overthinking this. Maybe being straight about it and allowing the path forged for her to build up her persona as time goes on could be the simplest yet most effective of methods.

Options, too many options.

Most important of all, though…

What was she thinking about just now?

…

…Eh, it probably wasn't anything worth concerning herself about.

Right now, her biggest issue should be to deal with all this nothingness full of…well, nothing!

Ah, maybe she should just stop having her eyes closed. Yeah, in a retrospective that seemed like the most reasonable way of solving her dilemma.

Mentally patting herself on her back for such an outstanding and swift show of smart thinking, she fluttered her cute eyes 'Because they have to be, obviously.' open and―

Nyeeh! Too bright!

Oh no! I am a vampire!?

This was terrible! At this rate, her ancestral bloodline will get the better of her. It was just a matter of time before the sunlight becomes so much to bear with and then she will turn into―oh wait, false alarm. She was fine now.

It turns out that her eyes were merely adjusting to the illumination, that's all.

Teehee!

Blinking a pair of times was all her eyes required to finally get a proper picture of her surroundings. Understanding from where the brief flash came quickly dawned on her when she saw the pure white ceiling and its brilliant bulb focusing on her, almost as if judging her very existence.

The next discovery was the mattress on which her entire body was apparently resting. Was she just waking up from her beauty sleep? Seems like the most logical conclusion, although it was just a shame she couldn't remember dreaming about anything.

Momentarily, something about that word stung her for whatever reason, but she decided to ignore the feeling in favor of following the beepingthat was coming from her right side.

After arching her back up to get a better angle, there, instead of an alarm clock as she initially suspected to be the source of it, what greeted her was a strange composition of a laptop and a weird machine of sorts. The laptop was showing a bunch of data that for the good of her, besides that realistic diagram of a brain, she couldn't make heads or tails about it.

Well, if she didn't understand it, then it had nothing to do with her. Wasn't that obvious?

Nodding at herself for such a wise thinking process, her eyes darted down toward the machine which, honestly speaking, it was more of the same. Sure, it had very few controls, but none of them gave the barest clue of what they could do. The only thing, in particular, standing out were those cables going all the way towards her head.

…

…Wait, what?

What the heck!? What are those doing there?

Not wanting to have anything to do with them, she frantically got rid of those things. Each one of them stung, but after the fifth one, she was done with all of them. She was about to rub out her cheeks for some mild comfort…only for something else to take her entire attention during the middle of it.

"You shouldn't have done it like that. If you aren't careful that could leave marks within your skin in the future." A voice that made shivers ran down her spine, in a curiously pleasant way, spoke up.

Even if every instinct wasn't already telling her to snap her head in the opposite direction to get a proper look at the owner of it, her curiosity was enough of a motivator to do so.

And that's where she saw it.

Or more specifically, him.

Tall, lean, wearing black pants, a slightly grey shirt she had the suspicion of being white in the past, and a black tie with red marks. Along with his hair and that antenna sticking out of it, his entire appearance screamed unkept, and yet, rather than ruining his appearance, every single aspect about him made her heart loudly go Badump Badump Badump with her face heating up and senses fuzzing out all the same.

A pair of feet away from her, he was sitting on a chair while holding what resembled, no, what undoubtedly was a manga magazine. Although rather than focusing on the book, his line of sight was directed at her.

Those sharp icy orbs of his were contrastingly making the temperature of her body rise. Looking at her with an impassive curiosity, they were full of intelligence that the more her own eyes locked with his, the more it felt he was gazing through her very soul. That was not all though. The moment their gazes met; an electric feeling of sorts made her brain jolt. Then, almost as if it made a click sound, something about him made her mind spark a sentiment of recognition.

She didn't know his name, what he was doing here, or just about anything that could tell her who he was. And yet, everything inside her protested that this person was special to her. That just his presence alone should be enough to reassure her everything was fine and that nothing else in the world mattered.

But how could that be if she lacks that much information about his person? Did she truly know him then? Unless…

Was…was this love at first sight? Yeah, it had to be. If they weren't in this room, she was sure they would find themselves outside a school gate, the scene colored in a sweet pink by the cherry blossoms flowing in the background, with her confessing her feelings for him, and with a warm smile and his cheeks matching the scenery, he would correspond her love saying:

"You've been doing nothing but staring at my face for like three minutes. It is about time you say something, don't you think?"

"I-Is that so?" Oh gosh, how embarrassing! No, wait, this wasn't the moment for that! "More importantly what is going on? Where am I?"

If she didn't know any better, she would've thought he looked relieved at hearing her confusion, "You are on the third floor of Hope's Peak biology building. About what is going on…you just woke up after I put you through a treatment to deal with what is afflicting you."

"Treatment? Am I sick?" She was feeling fine though. Was she already cured then?

"Hmm, well, sickness isn't the term I would use," The boy said cryptically. Now that she thought about it, wasn't he too young to be a doctor? "Anyhow, seeing that you are awake now, there is something I must request of you."

A request?

Ah, could it be what she thinks it is? Yeah, it has to be! Even if a lot of things were confusing her right now, she had her answer for that clear as day, "I accept!"

"Accept…what?"

"Eh? Weren't you confessing to me?"

With his face a sculpture of stoicism, he gave her a long stare before speaking up, "I was going to ask you to tell me your name."

"Oh, that makes sense. You can't go out with someone you don't know the name of, right?" Which was weird, considering she still felt like she already knew him somehow. She didn't know his name though, so maybe he had a point. In that case, first impressions were essential, and she already began on the wrong foot. If she wanted to have any chance for her feelings to be reciprocated, she had to step up her game, quickly! Puffing up her chest and giving him her best smile, she introduced herself, "You better memorize my name, okay? Here it goes! My name is…is…"

…

…

…

…Eh?

No matter how she wrapped her head around it, she couldn't.

Her name…she couldn't remember it.

Now that she thinks about it, what does she remember? There was the part about the handsome boy asking for her name so he could properly confess to her. But, before that? There was nothing. Five minutes ago, an hour, a day, a year, and further beyond that it was all the same.

An absolute blank.

Why can't I recall anything? What's going on? Who am I? W-What…What I―

Before panic could begin to set in, there was a thud sound as something fell to the ground. More importantly though, a set of hands firmly grasped her shoulders. Snapping her head up, she caught sight of the boy's impassive gaze, only this time with hints of worry smearing his features.

"Are listening to me?"

"Huh? I, um, w-well…"

"I need you to listen to me and do as I say. Breathe in and out. Do not focus on whatever is running through that head of yours, or just about anything else that isn't me or my voice, you get me? Just in and out."

From this angle, she had an up-close view of his unbuttoned shirt, which let a candid view of his bare chest. That, in combination with his stern yet concerned voice, was everything she required to become entranced, allowing her entire will to surrender to him.

Numbly following his orders, she slowly inhaled, basking in his smell, then, reluctantly so, let go of it until the very last moment. And so, for every time he commanded her to repeat the exercise, she followed it with zealot fervor.

A minute of following the exercise later, any concern that could've been nagging her was replaced by a cloudy serenity. Her mind was long since became transfixed in his odor.

"Do you feel better now?"

Breathing in his essence for one last time, she exhaled her response, "Yes~."

He owlishly blinked at her a pair of times before releasing a brief sigh of relief, "Okay, I see you are the same as ever. In that case, I should begin by apologizing. I wanted to make sure of…something, but given your circumstances, I suppose that it was irresponsible for me to not be more professional with a patient."

"Eh? A-Ah, no! You don't have anything to apologize for." She quickly reassured. What was he apologizing for, anyways? And what was that about a patient? "It may sound weird, but, um, something inside makes me feel like we have known each other for a while. And, ern, that same feeling tells me you could never be wrong. So, whatever it is that happened, you aren't at fault!"

Yes, despite the strange situation she might find herself in. Her instincts were telling her that he was someone she could trust with her very life. Which was why, with nothing else to attach herself to, following that was her only safeguard.

"Well, leaving aside that…vote of confidence. That apparent sixth sense of yours isn't wrong, we do know each other."

"We…do?" Her heart skipped a beat at that. "Ah, are we lo―"

"Before we allow any more distractions to get in our way," he said while letting go of her, much to her disappointment. Then, he stepped back and turned to pick up something from a nearby drawer, and it wasn't until he presented it to her that she noticed it was a notebook. "I believe you should have this."

Picking it up, she immediately perked up at its title.

Ryoko Otonashi's Memory Book.

Her heart throbbed, and her mind washed with recognition at the name imprinted on the notebook.

Ryoko Otonashi… is that my name?

Ryoko…Otonashi…

The more she mulled about it, the more it felt right to identify herself with it. Yeah, that must be her name then and judging by its title, this book might hold some important answers about what was going on.

And he was holding this for my sake…sheesh, he is so considerate!

After sending him a warm and grateful smile, to which he replied with a quirked eyebrow 'Hehe, he is so timid too.', she flickered her gaze back to the notebook, ready to check its contents.

Opening its cover page, Ryoko's suspicion about, well, Ryoko being her real name turned out to be true. She was a first-year student of a high school known as Hope's Peak Academy, an elite institution that grants its students titles based on what they were most proficient at. Speaking of which, she also was the Ultimate Analyst, whatever that meant.

There was a whole other stuff, but she only read through it absent-mindedly, her focus on confirming her most important suspicion. If this notebook contained the most essential information regarding her existence, then there was no doubt that something about the boy in front of her could be found here, right?

As luck would have it, halfway through the page, Ryoko found what she was looking for.

Yasuke Matsuda, the Ultimate Neurologist, will be in charge of―

Whatever it said next, she couldn't bring herself to care. The only thing that mattered was the beginning of that sentence.

Ultimate Neurologist.

Yasuke Matsuda.

Yasuke Matsuda.

Yasuke―

"You are Matsuda-kun!" She exclaimed, pointing her index finger at him to reaffirm her conviction that, indeed, the boy in front of her was her Matsuda. She might be confused about a lot of things right now, but there was no doubt in her heart that this person was whom the notebook talked about.

After all, she remembers now.

Yasuke Matsuda.

Her childhood friend.

The most important existence in the entire world.

And the love of her life.

"You do remember that much, huh?" In the end, her resolution was rewarded with an admission from the boy itself as he released an amused snort. "I guess your condition isn't as hopeless as we thought."

Condition? Could it be… "Ah! You mean why I couldn't remember my name?"

"Your name, and about everything else if that previous reaction was anything to go by."

Huh? What previous reaction? No, that didn't matter, what he said before that was more important, "E-Everything? So, like, I have amnesia?"

"Something like that," Matsuda-kun agreed, although his features became a tad somber. "It is some variant that breaks from the norm. The gist of it is that there's a malfunction in your synapses that deteriorates the travel of information through the axons, making it impossible for your neurons to retain long-term memories, while those of the short-term kind last close to nada. However, saving the anomaly that is you remembering me to a degree, while your declarative memories, especially those of the episodic kind, seem to be a lost cause for the moment, when it comes to your procedural memories there doesn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary within your basal ganglia, so you can still learn stuff as everyone does, even if you get to forget how you did it in the first place. As far as I am aware, only your hippocampus presents any notable issues with that dissonance in the neurons. Still, and like I already pointed out, it is a strange case, and no doubt there's more to it than it meets the eye. The brain is just that complicated."

…

"…Oh, I get it!

"Hn," Matsuda-kun hummed noncommittally. Before long though, his eyes widened, as if he realized something, "Wait, you did?"

"…Not entirely, hehe." Drat, she got caught. "Ah, but you looked amazing saying all of that smart stuff, honest. As expected of the, um," She hurriedly looked down at her notes, "Ultimate Neurologist!"

Complimenting his area of expertise should grant some brownie points, right? Good job me!

"Is that so…" Her celebration wanned to a degree when she saw that rather than blushing at the compliment, Matsuda-kun developed a concerned look. Just when she was about to ask what was wrong, he shook his head and released an irked sigh, "Whatever, there's more important stuff to deal with. For example, there's something I need to give you before either you or I forget about it," Matsuda-kun said as he began to rummage through his pockets. Eventually, he found the pen he was apparently looking for and presented it to her. "Here, use it and that notebook of yours to record your everyday life. That more or less should allow you to be a functional member of society."

Gingerly, Ryoko took the offered gift, giving it a look of reverence once it was in her hands.

Matsuda's pen…

The pen that he took out of the pocket of his pants. That was covered in his essence all over it. The symbol of his love offered to her and only her.

…

…Maybe a little taste wouldn't hurt―

"Oi, what are you doing?"

"Busted!"

"Busted? You weren't even trying to hide…whatever it is you were planning to do to that poor pen," Matsuda snapped, then he let out a sigh as his face softened, "Look, we don't know when your next memory loss episode will hit, so unless there's an emergency that requires otherwise, from now on I want to see that hand holding the pen stuck at the notebook and ready to write, am I understood?"

Ryoko gave him a chirpy nod.

"Good," Matsuda nodded back, "Seeing that drawing blanks within that notebook of yours would confuse you at best, stress you at worst, I will fill you in―"

"But promise me you will be gentle, o-okay?!"

"…"

"…"

"…I will summarize what you missed before I handed you that notebook, so I want you to pay attention and write down everything I say, am I clear?" Matsuda finished with a command that had no room for nonsense.

"Yes sir!"

And so, under Matsuda's orders, she spent the following minutes recapitulating everything that had happened since she woke up, with him assisting her in the process. Her waking up, the explanation of her sickness, and Matsuda's role as her caretaker. Curiously enough, and although she couldn't remember any of it, on some few occasions she wrote something up there was a sense of familiarity that came to her. Almost as if telling her that yes, this was a memory of hers.

Just like her beloved Matsuda-kun promised her, even though she was periodically forgetting about things, she was perfectly capable of reading and writing.

All in all, so long as she had this notebook with her, it would almost be as if her memories would never go.

Kind of.

"Hehe, I got the hang of this rather quickly, didn't I?" She boasted as she wrote her latest entry.

"Well, there's still left to be seen how you do on your own and for prolonged periods, but yeah, I am rather optimistic about your chances." Matsuda-kun confessed, "Despite your personality, you have always been a smart cookie, so it shouldn't be that hard for you to deal with this."

"Yay, praise me more!"

Instead of telling her how charming she was, he simply rolled his eyes, although he didn't look any grumpier than he usually was, so it was okay…maybe, "Anyhow, that about wraps the most urgent ordeals. If you suffer any symptoms, no matter how minor you might think of them, or your memory does go through any changes, whether for the best or the worst, try write it down so we can check it up during your examination. Speaking of which, the next one will be in three days. Make sure that, under no circumstances, do you miss that date."

"Miss that date…" Ryoko muttered as she began to write the last piece of wisdom from her Matsuda. While doing so though, her eyes widened in realization, "Wait, three days!? I-I won't meet you for that long!?"

"Don't put words in my mouth," Matsuda-kun chided with a frown, "I said that your examination is in three days. It is true I will likely spend most of my time here, but I never mentioned any restrictions whatsoever."

"Oh, did I get ahead of myself, then?"

"As per usual."

"Meanie!" She couldn't help sending an adorable pout at Matsuda-kun, only to be replaced with a bubbling excitement for this new turn of events, "But that means I can visit you whenever I want, right?"

At that, Matsuda developed a thoughtful expression, with his eyes darting between the room, herself, and then at the window, which for some reason looking at that last one made him grimace.

"I suppose that having you near would grant me detailed data about your condition, while at the same time looking for any side effects regarding the treatment. Considering this is your first time going through it and the procedure itself is in its experimental stages, the chances aren't precisely zero." Releasing a tired sigh, he looked down at her, "Fine, you can come here at convenience."

"Really!?"

"Yeah yeah, so long as you―oof!"

Her enthusiasm at knowing she could spend even more time with Matsuda reached the point that everything inside her was screaming to lunge at him and shower him with her affection.

Of course, that was precisely what Ryoko did, holding him in a tight hug.

"What…are you doing?" Matsuda-kun asked between breaths. Aw, he was left almost speechless by her charms!

"Hehehehe," Instead of replying to him, she decided her time was better spent rubbing her head left and right in his chest, mixing her essence on his body while the opposite also occurred.

"Oi, I asked you a question," Matsuda snapped, his voice already recovered. "What's your deal?"

"I'm hugging you, dummy." She couldn't remember why she began to do so in the first place, but sure as heck she won't complain about it.

"…Of course, for how long are planning to go with this anyways?"

"Hmmm, for all eternity!"

"You know we are going to starve long before that if we keep like this, yes?"

"If it's with you I won't mind dying like that!"

"Okay that's it, I see we are quickly reaching creepy territory. If you don't let go of me, I am going to consider reducing your visits on examination days only."

"L-Liar!" She didn't know what did he meant by that, but it sounded like less quality time with him, and that was non-negotiable! "You adore me too much to dare separate from me for a second!"

Matsuda-kun didn't say anything but instead gave her a look as if saying 'Do you wanna bet on that?'.

"Guh!" Ryoko reluctantly did as told under such a nefarious threat, "There, I let you go! You won't put any restrictions, right?"

"No, I won't," Matsuda-kun grunted as he stretched his shoulders, not stopping until a pop sound was heard on each of them, "After all, and like I said before, you are my patient. I can't put my personal bias as an excuse to be irresponsible about your well-being."

"Is that so? You really said that?"

"Mhm, you can confirm it in that notebook of yours."

Doing as told, she saw in an entry that, sure enough, not so long after waking up, she didn't take her amnesia well and after he calmed her down, Matsuda said something similar. Uwah how scary, although seeing that she was fine now, that didn't have anything to with her anymore. More importantly, her heart became warmer at reading through that particular entrance. He might be saying he was doing this out of his duty as a medic, but Ryoko knew that deep down Matsuda-kun was embarrassed about being honest with himself and was merely using that as an excuse to hide how fond he was of her.

I mean, he granted me permission to visit his workplace whenever I pleased, hug him for a moment, and my notebook also says that at some point he even gave me a concerned look! That has to mean something, right? Yep, that is the most plausible explanation!

"Hehe, you are so shy Matsuda-kun~."

"What was that?"

"Eh? Ah, well, I don't know what you are talking about! Or maybe that was you confessing an embarrassing truth of your own volition! Have you thought of that, huh!?" She tried to play dumb, although the deadpan he was giving her made Ryoko suspect she was falling miserably, "A-Anyways, what now?"

Matsuda allowed his impassiveness to last for a bit more. A few moments later he let out a brief snort, "That's a good question, you know? What to do now…" He mused aloud, looking down while tapping his chin with the index finger. After a minute or so of doing that, his eyes darted up to look at her, with that action alone giving butterflies in her stomach, "Do you have any questions? Right now is the perfect moment to resolve any concerns you might have about your situation."

Ryoko opened her mouth.

"By that, I truly mean only concerns about yourself and your circumstances, nothing related to me. That stuff can wait until later. Way, way later."

Only to close it right away.

With her chances to pry for some juicy info about Matsuda ruined, Ryoko resigned to look through her notebook, do as he was telling her, and check if there was anything of urgency.

She had to reread her latest notes a pair of times to remind herself of doing that, but eventually, right when she was to give up on finding anything, she noticed there was something of great importance missing within her notes, "Um, Matsuda-kun, I think I found what counts as worrisome."

"Hm? What is it?"

"Just to confirm, this Hope's Peak my memories speak of, we are currently in that place, correct?"

"Yeah, we are. In my laboratory within the biology building to be precise."

"I see I see. Then, as this supposed famous elite school, it must be massive, am I right?"

"You are. Thanks to its reputation, contacts, government support, and multiple other means from which they acquire money, they have managed to grow over time as the largest high school in Japan by a wide margin," Matsuda said, his face inquisitive as she finally got his full attention, "Why do you ask though?"

"Well, if that's the case, how I am going to move around the school?" Ryoko finally voiced her concerns, flapping her arms around for extra emphasis, "I mean, there's nothing in my notebook telling where anything is."

Somewhere to sleep shouldn't be problem, if they squirm together tight enough, Ryoko was confident both her and Matsuda could fit in the bed. But what if she gets lost one of these days? How could she get back to Matsuda-kun if she couldn't even know where she would find herself in such a nightmarish scenario?

Her concerns must've been as big as she thought, because the moment she pointed them out, Matsuda's brows shot up and his eyes rapidly began to dart from one side to the other as if wrapping his head looking for something. His face scrunched up and she even heard him mutter a mild curse.

He truly worries about me, doesn't he?

"Your notebook doesn't have any indications, does it?" She shook her head in negation, "Figures, that was an oversight on my part," Matsuda closed his eyes in what she suspected was contemplation as he continued, "Alright, here's what are we going to do. We are going on a stroll around the faculty. From here all the way to the dorms, for now, we will have to do with just that direct route, we can get into more detailed directions somewhere else in the future." He opened his eyes and gave her a hard look that made her heart skip a beat, "In the meanwhile, you will have a page ready to sketch a map, okay?"

"Stroll around?" While she did pay attention to everything he said, Ryoko couldn't help perking up at what gathered the most interest within his words, "Are you taking me on a date!? Hooray!"

When she said that, something strange happened. It appeared Matsuda was about to say something, though for some reason he clamped his mouth shut at the last moment, with his lips pursing into a thin line afterward. Regardless of what that was about though, it quickly came to an end after he released a sigh.

"Whatever, call it what you will, but don't let that distract you from taking notes about your surroundings. We can't have you wandering aimlessly and causing trouble to others."

"Causing anyone trouble? But, I'm too cute for that!"

"How do either of them correlate?" Matsuda asked in bewilderment. Wait, he didn't deny she was cute! Does that mean― "You know what? Save it, we need to get going. It doesn't seem to be that late, but let's better be safe rather than sorry about this anyways."

"Ah, you are right. The sooner we go, the best we can make out of our date!"

Rather than an answer, Matsuda only grunted at that.

What a tsundere~.