The drive back to Forks was entirely uneventful. This time I allowed myself to think about Edward, and the conclusion I came to was not the one I wanted to hear.
I still love him.
I still love him so much that I can't live without him.
I can't become a vampire, and so I can't become immortal like he is, which means even if I wanted to go back to him, I would still get old and die and he would never age.
Life sucks.
Mark already said that he won't mind if I went back to Edward, but I'm sure if I believe him. He wants what will make me happy, not what's best for himself. He's hard to get along with, in that way. I never know what he really wants.
I decided to look at the problem from the two different ways I could go. I could go back to Edward.
The pros of that would be that I would get to be with Edward, I would have all the Cullens as my official family, I'd never be at a loss for funds, and I would have what I want, essentially.
The cons are that Edward could leave me again. I'll never be immortal because Edward will never be able to change me. I'd have to watch my family never age as I get older and older. I'd be around vampires all the time, and one day they could accidentally slip. Jake would probably never talk to me again, but we wouldn't be in Forks for long, so it might not matter that much. My husband could never partake in the normal marital pleasures with me for fear that he would kill me if he got carried away. I would hurt Mark, whether he says I will or not.
Next I examined the situation as if I decided to stay with Mark.
The pros are that I would be able to act like a normal wife with him, one who doesn't have to worry about her husband wanting to eat her or being able to break her if he isn't concentrating on controlling his strength. I wouldn't hurt him by leaving him. I wouldn't have to deal with the wrath of my parents. I wouldn't have to endure all the questions from people who really think that Mark and I love each other like a normal couple.
The cons are that I couldn't be with Edward. I would spend the rest of my life regretting the fact that I didn't give him another chance. I would see Edward look-alikes and feel the pain of losing him until the day I died.
I wasn't sure what was worse.
A/N: I know this chapter's short, but as soon as I have this one added, I'm starting the next one. I just thought that this one should be her thoughts on her situation, and the next one will be her arriving at the Cullen's house.