Emma could hear the swishing marks of Dr. Hale's marker against her skin. It tickled, and that only made her grasp Regina's hand more forcefully in her own.
It was finally April 22, an unusually warm spring morning. Their car ride over was mostly quiet, with Regina holding her hand the entire way, unwilling to let go. The day before was special for them both; it was Emma's first official tour of the city. They went out to the Isabella Stewart Gardner art museum, which Regina loved. They were that couple, smooching in the interior courtyard. If they squinted hard enough, it felt like they were in Europe. Later that afternoon, they explored streets in the North End, and Emma had her last meal before her surgery. She didn't hold back as she ate every bit of her big plate of spaghetti and meatballs, done the authentic Italian way.
That night at the hotel, Regina had curled into Emma's side and held her close. Neither one of them voiced their concerns, but it was a looming cloud above them that left them both restless. As such, they talked to one another about their future together in an effort to distract their minds. When early morning finally came, they packed all their things up and left for Emma's surgery.
Pre-op had her on edge, but she could tell Regina was the one who was more nervous.
"Are you okay?" Regina whispered into her ear. It was evident that she herself wasn't.
Emma's heart sank because all she wanted to do was to comfort Regina, but being prepped for surgery was an inopportune time and far too late for last-minute reassurances. So instead, Emma brought Regina down closer and brought their lips together for a quick kiss. God, how Emma could never tire herself of those beautiful lips that just felt like heaven against her own.
"I'm fine. Just tickles." Emma smiled and threaded her hands through Regina's hair. "You look beautiful right now," she murmured, noticing her girlfriend was a little overly dressed considering she'd be sitting in a waiting room all day. She hated to think she did that just in case it was the last time she saw her. Emma knew she was going to be fine.
The doctor looked up. "Sorry, I know that it tickles. It's almost over," Dr. Hale said, running the marker's tip against her flesh some more.
Her leg flinched slightly, and it caused Emma to look down. Her eyes rolled over all of the purple markings on her pale skin for all the incision points. Her heart sank just a little bit more in nervousness, and in her mind she knew this was really about to happen.
One of the nurses started hooking up her IV, and she could see the banana bag hanging in her peripheral. She gulped back the lump that was building in her throat, as her mind wandered. Besides her wisdom teeth, Emma had never had surgery. So to say she wasn't slightly nervous would be a lie.
Disturbing her worried reverie, the nurse asked, "Can you just straighten out your arm for me a little and squeeze your hand?"
Emma cleared her throat and followed the instructions, balling her fist tightly. She could see her veins start to protrude for the nurse, who then proceeded to gently press a needle into the skin. Using some medical tape, the nurse secured it in place. The needle hooking up the IV felt stiff in Emma's arm at first, as though she couldn't move. It didn't hurt, but it definitely pinched a bit.
During the entire process, Emma's eyes never left Regina's. "Don't be scared," she beseeched, softly.
To see that flash of worry pass through her love's eyes crushed Emma to no end. She just wanted to hold her tight throughout this entire process, but she couldn't. "I'm going to be okay, I promise," Emma swore, holding Regina's hand closer, to kiss her knuckles where a ring would soon be.
"I'm… I'll be fine. It's just six hours. I'll see you in six hours," Regina repeated. For the complexity of the surgery it could take longer, but in Emma's case, it shouldn't. "And I'll be waiting here for you, and when you wake up, I'll be here, holding your hand as I am now."
Regina smiled then, proudly holding her chin up despite her own worry. "I love you, Emma," she said, kissing Emma's temple. "I love you so much." Brushing a piece of blonde hair behind Emma's ear in a loving way to kiss just beneath her ear, Regina quickly followed with another kiss to her cheek, and then another to her lips, one last time.
The nurse regretfully interrupted their touching moment. "I'm going to be giving you a mild sedative before we take you back, so you're going to feel it pretty fast," she warned Emma and Regina, who both hung on her every word.
They watched as she unhooked the IV line from the saline drip to inject the drug into Emma's IV port, and it did only take a mere matter of seconds before Emma felt relaxed. A stupefied expression graced her pale cheeks, and she smiled up at Regina as if she was an angel sent from Heaven.
Before he went his own way to prep for surgery, Dr. Hale gave Emma a high-five and a silent smile full of confidence and compassion. The nurse started to raise the siderails to the bed after he left the room.
"We're just going to roll you to the operating room," she explained to Emma, who was already feeling like she could fly.
In response, Emma nodded exuberantly to the nurse. Just before they rolled her away, she took one last final look at Regina. "I love you," she gushed, more than loopy now. "I'll be back soon." Emma grinned at what sounded like Regina mouthing the same back underwater, and just like that the transport team arrived to wheel her away to the OR.
She was already drifting off into sleep, considering how little she'd gotten the night before. When they lifted her from the bed and onto the table, everything was was already beginning to fade in and out. Emma was at peace with what was to come. Finally, she was where she needed to be, and this was her golden ticket to the life she deserved.
"We're just going to position your legs and secure them," a new nurse instructed as she placed an oxygen mask on her face. Emma could feel another person to her side hooking her IV up to a pump, and as her head lolled in that direction, the man introduced himself as the anesthesiologist. It was growing more difficult to keep her eyes open as the team of nurses and doctors worked to prepare her for this moment. She was trying to concentrate as best as she could, but everything grew more blurry, and when they asked her to count back from 100, she only made it to 97.
"Why are we here?"
Emma looked around the boat that sat in the middle of a lake. Her mind instantly feared this was what death was. It was eerie how the smog was rolling off the water, and there was a bleakness that surrounded her. Put mildly, it was a tad unsettling. She remembered this place from when she and August went fishing right before she moved up to Maine, except it wasn't sunny like then. More importantly, she didn't fear alligators or any other random creatures lurking below the boat.
"I have no idea. It's your dream, not mine. If it were mine, we'd be up in Maine skiing," an older man said as he cast out his fishing line. A loud plop sound echoed through the air and surface waves rippled through the water. He turned and looked at her with a coy grin. "I don't know 'bout you, but I was a hopin' to catch myself a big old bass." Henry said with a toothy smile. "You know I've got a good old fishermen's joke. Wanna hear it?"
Emma knew, just knew it was going to be a typical Henry joke. She missed those. "Yeah, let's hear what you got."
"So there was this fisherman who went fishin' one day, and caught himself a mystical mermaid. I mean... just beautiful!" he exclaimed with his eyes closed tight, imagining the creature. "And she says to 'im in this hypnotic voice, 'If you let me go, I'll perform three of your wishes.'" Henry smiled at what was to come. "And the fisherman looked at the mermaid and grinned. He knew exactly what he wanted and said back to her, 'I only have one wish, but you will have to perform it three times.'" Henry then chortled himself into a series of coughs.
His coughing reminded Emma that he was dead. And with great sadness in her voice, she commented with a sideways smile, "That's, uh, some joke."
It was hard; she suddenly realized how much she missed his jokes, and how they always seemed to garner a laugh from her, except this one time. Perhaps it was because she knew deep down that none of this was real, no matter how much she wished it was.
"You know kid, I thought you'd be happier to see me. I was, uh, wonderin' how long it'd take you before I'd see you again. How's my cherry blossom doin'?" Henry's smoke worn voice was gravelly, just like the day she last saw him.
Emma relaxed into the wood boat, temporarily avoiding a direct reply to Henry's wondering. "August and I came here before," she hummed in memory, and chuckled. "He caught a rusty old can. At first he thought it was a big fish, and it was really nothing." During her random musing, she gave thought to Henry's words. She sighed, and admitted the thought out loud. "I'm happy to see you, Henry. I just... for a second there couldn't tell if I was actually dreaming."
"Please don't tell me this stinky lake is your version of Heaven. I swear, kids these days." Henry shifted uneasily in front of her.
Emma laughed again. This place was certainly not her heaven; it wasn't even close. Besides, she couldn't die yet. She was too young, with a full life ahead of her. Someday soon she hoped to marry Regina and they'd live happily ever after, with kids. And maybe a dog, or another cat.
Emma knew in her heart of hearts that Regina was her future. She looked the older Mills in the face and finally gave him her response. "Regina is doing great. She's…. she's just. You know." Emma broke her train of thought. "It's like, I just look at her, and I see this beautiful woman and then underneath all of that is just… whoa. She's even more stunning. I can't wrap my head around it sometimes. People like her… Well, I never thought they existed. She's my everything."
She smiled in awe. "I couldn't imagine my life without her. Even through the bad and boring times, she's my person." Emma looked out over the still water, and noticed that the fog was starting to lift. "Last week, we got into a fight. I… it was the change in my medicine, and we both knew that. The nurse warned us. Not having it before the surgery made me extra cranky, and she tried to put up with my mood swings the best way she knew how."
Emma turned towards Henry, and her green eyes locked with his brown hooded eyes. "I remember saying, 'Why do you even love someone like me?'" She looked down at her jeans, picking at a loose thread and refused to make eye contact with her lover's father at the admission. In retrospect, Emma knew she didn't mean it. She was just having a moment.
"I don't think I have ever, in our time of being together, seen her look so insulted. We've had our share of fights, but this… this was different. And you'd think she'd fight back, and yell and god knows what else, but she just stood there." Emma could feel the tears well up in her eyes. "And she said back to me, 'How could I love someone like you?' And I nodded. I was serious, of course because I wasn't in the best headspace. I figured I'm not exactly someone who is easy to fall in love with. Before I knew it, she bridged the distance between us and I could feel her breath hit my face. She was panting, and I could see the anger and fire in her eyes. Yet, ever so gently she cupped my cheeks and said, 'Someone like you? Really Emma? You're someone who has given me every reason to love. You're a woman just like me, and there's no difference in my heart. Now tell me, how could I not love someone like you? I'd be crazy not to.'"
Henry chuckled. "Sounds like my cherry blossom."
Emma nodded, her smile returning. The fog had finally rolled off the lake to be replaced with the sun. It shone down brightly on them, forcing her to squint her eyes. "Why have you always called her that?" It had just dawned on Emma that she'd never asked.
"When she was five we took her to Washington, to the Cherry Blossom Festival. Capitol Hill was in full bloom, and she just fell in love. I can still remember seeing her put a hand on her hip, being a Miss Priss, and saying, 'Daddy, this is my place. I love the pink flowers on the trees.'" Henry mocked her in a highly pitched voice. "And then she realized we had to leave come morning, and got all upset. Boy, did she cry! Cora wasn't having any of it. Of course, me being Daddy, I tried every trick in the book. She stomped her foot and said she wanted to be a cherry blossom because they were so pretty. So, then I told her she'd always be my little cherry blossom."
Henry looked up at the sun, the brightness not bothering him a whit. "She beamed like a full moon, she was so happy. Temper tantrum gone. From that day forward, that was her nickname." He looked off in memory. "I miss those days. I miss my darling, Regina. Boy, was she something else. I don't know how Cora and I managed to have such an independent, strong woman as a daughter, but I couldn't be more proud."
As Henry spoke, Emma could see Regina in her mind's eye; her beautiful Regina. God, she was the love of her life. "I don't know what I'd do without her," Emma agreed as she looked over the edge of the boat, and down at her reflection.
Her hair was long and curly, her face, soft and fair. She felt beautiful... So beautiful, and that's when it dawned on her. "I'm dreaming because I'm having my surgery right now," she said out loud for Henry to hear. "I, it's happening. I'm going to wake up, and everything before today will feel like a dream."
"Now that's something to be excited about. How does it feel?" he asked.
Emma scrunched her face and she knew that there was no better feeling than this. "I feel like I can finally love myself. I will be who I was supposed to be, finally." She looked down at her hands, and laced her fingers together. "Now I feel like I can even love Regina in ways that I felt I couldn't before."
Henry looked at her with one eyebrow raised. "So, now what?"
Emma beamed at his prodding because she suspected that he already knew that now, her life truly began. "Henry, can I ask you something?" Her heart fluttered in her chest, and she felt her body tingle as she spoke. "A few months ago, I bought Regina a ring. I… I chickened out and didn't give it to her."
The old man across the boat looked at her studiously as she continued to explain.
"I felt like I couldn't ask Regina to marry me if I couldn't even accept who I was. It felt like a lie. How could I promise to love her when I couldn't love myself?" She said and looked down at her fingers that unlaced to fidget with the same loose thread on her jeans. "Now, I guess, after I wake up I'll be a changed woman, literally."
Emma smirked at her pun, but continued. "I'll finally be the person I always felt like I was, and my body will match what my mind knows is true. There would be no greater happiness for me if I start off this new part of my life by asking Regina to marry me, as the woman she deserves to marry." She looked up and held Henry's warm gaze with one of her own. "Henry, may I please have your blessing to marry Regina?"
He coughed a laugh, and reached out for Emma's hands. "Listen to me closely, Emma. I have never loved someone more than I have Cora. We got into many things together as we went through this life and I will tell you: marriage, it's hard. You will sometimes ask yourself, 'What was I thinking?' But then she'll look at you, with this little twinkle in her eye, and you'll remember exactly why."
Henry smiled warmly at the memory of his wife. "Love….love is a journey. Today's battles won't be tomorrows, and when tomorrow comes, there will be new ones. The one thing you must always remember is that no matter what, the one thing that you want, in life or death, is her. Now, I consider it an honor that you asked me. I do, but God help us if Regina knew."
He chuckled to himself. "She's a wonderful woman. I'm not just sayin' that because she's my daughter. It's because she truly is." Henry leaned forward some more. "Welcome to the family Emma." He kissed her hand, but his chapped lips shot from her skin a moment later as they both felt the pull of the fishing line move the boat.
"I think we got a live one!" Henry shouted with joy as he turned to grab his fishing rod. "Hold my hat will ya?" He tossed the fisherman's hat off his head.
The boat pulled towards the direction of the fish, and Emma held on tightly as they went for the ride of her life.
"Marry me..." Emma mumbled in a post-surgical haze. Everything was blurry, including the blob above her she assumed was Regina. At least, it smelled like her; that sweet smell of her perfume... god, was it the best smell.
"What?" Regina asked as she leaned down closer to hear Emma's garbled words. "Sweetheart, I can't... just a little louder?"
But, it was too soon. Emma felt herself slip back into sleep, dreaming of Regina.
A few hours or so passed, time that felt more like an eternity for some. And when Emma finally awoke again, she felt several things. The first was her girlfriend's hands intertwined with her own and the second, the pressure of the world's largest elephant sitting on her crotch.
"Re... Regina?" she asked, her voice raspy and thick.
Startled by the call of her name, her girlfriend moved from a slouched over position to sit up and fully inspect Emma. A bit disheveled, Regina stated, "You're awake. Like awake, awake!" It was evident that she was shocked, but excited.
Emma furrowed her brow, "Yeah?" She tried to move, but her body felt too heavy, like cinder blocks weighing her down to the bed. There wasn't pain, but pressure; lots and lots of pressure. "How long have I been out for?"
Regina's fingers lazily danced across Emma's forearm' and goosebumps prickled across her hyper sensitive skin. "Almost two hours. You were groggy when they rolled you back in, mumbling random things before falling back to sleep. Dr. Hale said you needed the rest to heal."
Her mouth felt like she'd swallowed cotton balls, so Emma tried to clear her dry throat. "Is…," she coughed, "there some water?"
Without any hesitation, Regina stood and got a cup of water. She quickly put a bent straw in it to help Emma drink without choking. "Here. Sip slowly," she said, soothingly.
Emma looked up into Regina's eyes, and love was all she saw. When she was done sipping, she asked the question she was dying to know the answer to, in regards to her surgery. "I'm nervous to ask… how did it go?"
Regina smiled. "They said you did really well. They'll be in later to check on you. Rest for now." She kissed Emma's temple. "I'm so glad you're safe."
Despite the heaviness and pressure she felt post-surgery, the weight of the world felt lifted from her shoulders.
Finally.
It was four in the morning. Four in the goddamn morning and all Emma felt was this horrible, burning pain akin to Satan seductively going down on her raw flesh. She was trying not to complain. They'd told her there'd be pain, so she was trying to suck it up. However, that didn't hush her quiet whimpers and stirrings in her hospital bed.
She wasn't trying to wake Regina, who looked uncomfortably slouched over in the hospital chair next to her bed, but she did.
Regina dropped her pink, quilted blanket down and stood abruptly. "What's wrong?" she asked, looking down at Emma and trying to assess the situation. "Emma, you're sweating." Before Emma could explain what was wrong, Regina had already hit the 'nurse call' button.
"It hurts," Emma moaned, struggling under Regina's pensive gaze.
"Okay... Okay, well you probably just need some more pain medicine, and the nurse is on the way," Regina cooed as she used a cloth to wipe the beads of sweat from Emma's forehead. "You're okay," she continued to say lovingly, tucking Emma's blonde hair behind her ear in a sweet caress.
Emma knew that she looked like a piece of shit. Her hair felt flat and greasy, and despite the pain she wanted to take a shower. It wasn't like she was trying to charm Regina; that was impossible considering the bag of piss she also knew hung on the side of her bed. Nothing about her current situation was at all flattering in any way, shape, or form.
The evening nurse, whom Emma didn't recognize, strolled in and noticed several things in rapid succession. First off was, "You're coming off your pain medication. I can give you some more in about a half hour. They work quickly, so just hang tight." Secondly, "You also seem to have a slight fever." Slight? One hundred wasn't slight given her current circumstances. "Infections can happen fast, and that's probably what's happening. Your body has experienced a lot of trauma in the past twenty-four hours, so the fever could be responding to that. Regardless, Dr. Hale pre-planned for this. I'm going to give you on some precautionary antibiotics until we can get some blood work done to see what's going on." She paused at the end of her well meaning but quick as lightning list. "And, my name is Tamara."
"Thank you, Tamara," Regina replied. "Is there anything we can do for the pain until she can have more pain medicine?"
"We have some ice packs she can use that will help combat the pain and reduce swelling." The nurse chirped as she checked some of Emma's vitals and wrote them down. "Alright, I'll be right back."
Emma bit her lip and closed her eyes. She was trying her hardest not to be a baby, but her body fucking ached with a pain she never knew humanly possible. Tears inevitably welled up in her eyes and Regina brushed them away with her thumbs.
"Shhh..." She hushed Emma's whimpers some more. "What can I do?"
"I don't know; I just want the pain to stop. It hurts so much," Emma gritted her teeth together. Being in between dosages was killing her.
Regina pushed Emma's blanket to the side and slowly slipped in the bed next to her. Fortunately, there was just enough space to sandwich next to Emma. On her side, she pulled Emma closer in her arms trying not to move her too much, or cause her more pain. Emma leaned over to her and closed her eyes. The sound of Regina's heart beating against her ear lulled her slowly back into sleep, despite the pain and discomfort.
When afternoon set in, they determined she had contracted a small infection. The upside was, they had started antibiotics rather quickly. Dr. Hale went on about how it was completely normal, and she shouldn't be at risk for major complications. That was a huge relief.
After their lunch, Regina pulled out her phone and FaceTimed Emma's parents. Of course, they messed up the call several times, answering on FaceTime audio. Emma, still a bit loopy, shook her head. They would never learn.
When they did answer, Mary Margaret's big head took up the screen. She looked at Emma and smiled, "Honey, how ya doin'?"
"I'm fine, right now."
"Good. Listen, I'll be there in a few days. Are you excited for your mama's home cookin'?"
Emma smiled for the camera, but the drugs had her out of it. "Can you make Shrimp n' Grits?"
"I'll make you anything your little heart desires. Anything for my baby girl."
The phone moved, and now her father was in view, "Emma! You look like a train ran over you."
Emma drowsily laughed, "I'm sure I do. I miss you."
"I miss you too. Glad to see you're holdin' up well. Sorry, I can't make it up there with your mom."
"That's okay. I know you can't help it." Emma could tell her father was upset and wished he could be there for her. Honestly, she was going to have enough help between Regina, her mother, and August. There was going to be a full house of people waiting on her hand and foot, not that she was complaining.
"Alright now. You take care of yourself. Be good," he told Emma.
When the call ended, Emma turned over for another nap.
It was four in the morning again and this time, the pain was sharper. It stung to high heavens, and Emma couldn't fight the tears. She hit the call button for her evening nurse, Tamara, who again said she was in between dosages. Regina did her best to ease Emma's pain.
They said that in a few days the pain would lessen, and Emma planned to hold them to that. Though it wasn't like she could do much to cure it at the moment.
"Tell me something?" she asked Regina.
"What do you want to know?" Regina asked in return.
"A memory, anything." Emma was doing her best to distract herself from the pain. Honestly, Regina could talk about Barney and how he was a big dinosaur that's purple, anything really.
"Uh, so when I was twelve... I saw my mother fall on her face, down a flight of stairs. I thought it was hysterical until she turned around missing her two front teeth." Regina chuckled at the memory.
"Your mom has fake teeth?" Emma asked, amused.
"Yeah, she has some crowns. My dad also once shat himself." Regina raised an eyebrow at the memory.
"Excuse me?" That piqued Emma's interest right away.
Regina nodded as she settled in the chair next to Emma. "Yup. I was fourteen, still not licensed to drive, and he took a friend from high school of mine and I to get some new clothes. I guess he went to fart and ….. Well, you know. He stopped walking dead in his tracks and was like, 'Gina….' Mind you, I hate being called that, so I turned and sported a snotty faced to say 'Don't call me that, Dad.' That's when I saw him pale in the face. He pulled me close and gave me a fifty to buy him some new pants and underwear. The entire time, he stood against the wall waiting for me to do his shopping." She laughed, "When I came back, I watched him waddle to the bathroom to change."
"That's hilarious."
"I know. He was something else." Regina rubbed her fingers softly against Emma's hand. "Is this helping?"
Emma felt her eyes starting to grow heavy again, so yeah, it was helping. Listening to Regina talk was soothing every ache and pain in her body. So she nodded her head yes. "Will you keep telling me stuff?"
"Uh, huh… Let's see, oh, oh god." Regina reddened. "This one, you'll take great pleasure in my teenage years of suffering." She rolled up her sleeves and settled closer to Emma.
"I was eighteen at the time, just about to head to college. My parents had started opening up more about their research and their sexuality in general. It was frightening and at times, I just wanted to shove my head into the sand. So there was this one day, my mom told me to unload the dishwasher. I didn't mind doing chores around the house or anything, and so I went to open the dishwasher only to find that she had left her dildos in there. Like what mother does that?" Regina yelled out in disbelief. "I screamed of course, and she came running only to realize then what she had left lying around. She said, 'Regina, it's just a dildo, I thought you were being attacked by some wild animal.'"
Regina hadn't realized that while telling her story, Emma had fallen asleep again.
On day three, they were watching old reruns of Will & Grace when Dr. Hale walked in for his daily rounds.
"So everything is looking good," he said. "I just need to remove today's bandages and the packing to see how everything is going. After that, a nurse will come in and help you dilate for the first time."
A nurse came in and rolled a table over, at which Dr. Hale nodded. "Oh, and Tina will also change the Foley catheter over to a lock catheter. This way, you can attempt to urinate on your own, with urgency. Your brain needs to reroute the nerves," he explained while slipping on his gloves.
Regina stood next to Emma and held her hand close as the doctor and nurse started to peel away the gauze bandages that were wrapped around Emma's waist. After each layer was removed, they could see, and smell, the blood more and more.
"Okay, ready for the big reveal?" he asked, handing Emma a mirror. "It will look much better now than it did."
Emma nodded, and when she did, the last layer covering her was removed. She strained to see, but all she could see were gloved hands moving in her line of view.
"We're going to start with removing the packing. You will feel some minor discomfort," he said.
Seconds followed, and minor discomfort was one of several things she felt. Pain yes, but more so, a feeling she'd never known. It was strange, and it tickled as she felt him pull the gauze packing from her body. "That feels…"
"Feels?" Regina and Dr. Hale both said.
"Strange." She laughed a little. As she laid her head back, Emma began to realize just how much packing was inside of her, "How much is there?" Her body twitched slightly.
"Not much. You'll know when it's all out; you'll feel it." He said pulling the last piece out.
It caused Emma to tremble from a shock wave of pain. "Ouch." While it stung, it was over. She relaxed back into her bed and looked at her doctor for something, anything really, because she couldn't see how everything looked and this was the moment she'd been waiting for.
"In my humble opinion," he started, "you look stunning." He then pulled her hand holding the mirror up from the bed, and next to him. He looked to Emma encouragingly, who then looked down at her new body for the first time. It was a scary view, seeing that there was tons of blood and swelling. God, was there swelling. Nevertheless, this was her.
Emma could feel Regina trying to peek over her shoulder to see but, timid still because of the swelling and blood, she shifted the mirror from Regina's line of view.
"The swelling will go down, so don't freak out." Dr. Hale then started pointing out different things, "The labia minora construction…"
But Emma drowned him out. She just couldn't tear her eyes away, or listen long enough, because she was awestruck by her body. Sure, she was swollen, but the happiness she felt in that singular moment was breathtaking.
"Mother-god-damn-fucker," she snapped. It hurt that bad.
The nurse was struggling with her as she helped Emma dilate for the first time. To Emma, the dilator felt like a fucking knife splitting her sensitive skin open. She had only been post-op for a few days and her sutures were still tender, making her fist dilation the single most painful thing she had ever experienced.
"I can't. It hurts too much," she half-pleaded, half-yelled as she squeezed Regina's hand in a firm grasp.
Regina looked like she'd seen a ghost. Her skin looked sickly white as she watched Emma struggle.
The nurse, experienced with this from patients in the past, told her, "I know it does, but you can't get discharged to go home until you can dilate. You can't lose your depth, and the neovagina could mend the wrong way. The tissue is still friable."
'Fucking depth,' Emma cursed to herself. 'Who needs six and half inches depth? It isn't like Regina has a penis. What the fuck does friable mean?'
After fifteen minutes of torture, she finally was able to get the long, thin dilator inserted inside herself. It hurt, but now that it was inserted she was able to relax. Well, she tried to anyway.
Regina tentatively asked, "Is it okay now?"
Emma felt badly as she nodded. She could see the worry and concern written all over Regina's face. "It just strange, ya know? It hurts and stuff, but at the same time, it's one of the most amazing mental feelings. Like I can't believe I'm doing this, while at the same time, it's sore as… Well, sore."
Regina kissed her lips softly. Then again, and again, each one longer than the last. "Just think, in about six months, you'll be healed."
"Yeah," Emma said with a smirk. "It's just an amazing feeling. It's...everything finally matches up. While it hurts like a bitch; I'd do it over in a heartbeat. I feel like I can finally move on with my life." Six months couldn't come fast enough.
Regina smiled. "I know."
Emma felt her heart flutter because now that she braved surgery, she just had to brave one last important thing: proposing to Regina, her love. And she smiled, for the first time, a smile bright enough to illuminate every crevice of the Earth. At long last, Emma felt at peace with herself and knew she could start living.