Disenfranchised.

Ch2: Away

Nyota helped Spock lie down and removed his boots. She moved to help him undress and he caught her hand.

"No," he said, and in answer to his enquiring look, "the dressings have just been changed and are best not disturbed."

"And you don't want me crying all over you again," she finished with a small watery smile.

He looked at her, "It would be pointless to become distressed again. "

"And I would be distressed?"

"Yes"

He extended his arm for her to slip in beside him.

"Will that hurt."

"It is a price I am prepared to pay to hold you," he answered.

Nyota moved carefully in beside him resting her head on his shoulder. She could feel the slight tremors that shook his body periodically.

"Where can I touch you?" she asked.

He sighed, an uncharacteristic sound and reached and took her hand guiding it to his hip. She worked her fingers under the edge of his shirt and felt the warm skin. She had nearly lost him! The emotions surged up again, touching him brought the anguished back and she struggled to let go of the fear and reassure herself he was there and warm and real under her hands. She took slow deep breathes and calmed herself. She felt around from his hip feeling the edge of the dressings on his belly and then the top on his legs. There was a clear strip across his lower stomach and groin. She stroked her hand over the area. They lay for a long time quietly Nyota stoking where she dared and he stroking her back. They lay for a long time and then Spock dozed. Nyota was still to keyed up to sleep and lay watching him. His face relaxed in sleep caused a physical ache of love in her chest so intense that it was hard to breathe; she forced herself to take regular deep breaths and to keep the panic at bay. Eventually she dozed.

Later as they lay together quietly with their hands touch palm to palm, "I felt so helpless" she whispered as if telling a terrible secret, "There was nothing I could do that would help you. I did everything I could, I monitored the signals constantly, I only slept enough to ensure effectiveness," he could feel her smile as she used his phrase, "but there was nothing that I could do to help you. I was useless."

His hand stilled, "Nyota the only reason any of us survived was because of you. The only reason we were located was because of you. We all live today because of you." She moved to sit up and look at him frowning. "It is not like you to placate me Spock, to lie"

She saw the irritation flash through is eyes, "I am not lying. I do not lie. When I believed that I would give way to madness from the pain, when every technique and strategy for control I knew had failed , only the thought of you sustained me. You saved me. If not for you I would be dead as would all the team. Believe it."

She nodded but Spock doubted she believed him. Nyota stood and went to the bathroom. When she returned she and walked around the bed, and moved to slip in beside him.

"Nyota?"

"Yes"
"Why are you wearing an old torn shirt of mine?"

"She smoothed her hands down her front., "I love this shirt," she said.

Spock's raised an eyebrow.

Nyota sat down on the bed and turned to sit cross legged facing him. "This shirt has kept me company while you were away, when I cried I cried on this shirt, when I wanted you to hold me I put on this shirt."

He frowned obviously not understanding.

"Do you remember how the neck was torn?" asked Nyota.

"As I remember you thought I was not fast enough to respond to a request. "

"As I remember you were never going to make a move if I did not jump on you," she smiled.

"I stole this shirt from your recycling bin the next morning," she confessed, "And while you were away I realised that it was the only memento of us I had. If you did not return there were no pictures, no letters, I only had a torn shirt. "

He stroked her knee.

Human memory can fade with time, without reminders," she sighed, "I realised that if you died down there in that horrible place I could not even mourn properly. Oh I could go to your memorial service and be as upset as a crew member is allowed to be. But I would not be your grieving… wife." She paused looking at him with an expression that made his heart ache in his side, "No one would know all that I had lost. No one would comfort me especially or give me your belongings. You body would be returned to your father or buried in space. How would I go on?" She looked at him, she reached over and stroked his face. "How, with out you? And if I claimed to be your woman after your death who would believe me?"

"Kirk would and Mr Scot," said Spock.

"Yes , yes that is true they know there is something," she sighed, "but they do not know if we are just casual lovers or more and maybe that would be enough. But Kirk may be captain but in some areas he is less than credible and no one will believe Mr Scot and with his teleporting Beagle stories." She smiled grimly, "there is a word for it you know; disenfranchised grief. The grief that is not allowed or accepted. It is the grief of the hidden lovers, if their lover dies how can they mourn? It is not allowed, they are secret, hidden and unacknowledged even as they mourn." She looked at him ,"Spock, I can not do it any more. If you die I need to have more that a shirt. While you live I want all of you and for everyone to know. I do not want to be making excuses for refusing suitors," She saw he did not like this, "Did you think they stopped asking me? Why should they? The unattached men know I am free and …they just think I am a fussy bitch, or gay." She glanced up at him and smiled at his thunderous expression. "It's true," she said.

She slipped off her T shirt and lay next to him naked. She raised his had to her mouth and gently kissed each finger.