Chapter 3: Stuck in the Middle of Nowhere and Yet I'm Starving
Axelrod: Ugh! Where am I? What happened?
[Flashback to a massive party, lights swirling around and Axelrod is smiling while chugging a bottle of wine. After that, Axelrod snaps back to reality.]
Axelrod: Oh yeah. (smiling) That was some party! Of course, where am I specifically?
[Getting up from bags of trash, Axelrod brushes off some dust and walks down the alley only to be honked at by a driver.]
Driver 1: Hey! Watch the road, dumbass!
Axelrod: Huh?
[Another honks at Axelrod]
Driver 2: Get a job, jackass!
Axelrod: Hey! Come back here so I can! Huh? Where are my guns?
[Unbeknownst to Axelrod, his guns are at his house, with Mandreas checking the barrels for released bullets.]
Mandreas: (checks pistol) Nope. (checks magnum) Nope. (checks shotgun) Nope. (checks AK-47) I think he shot 6 bullets? (checks M-16) Yep. This cartridge is empty.
Axelrod: Dammit! What do I have in my pockets? (Checks his pockets) House keys, souls, my cell phone, my wallet, some taffy, car keys, condoms, and a finger. Wait, why do I have taffy in my pocket?
[Intro]
[Axelrod eats the taffy while he continues walking the streets looking for a map to the place he's in. Unfortunately, he gets lost and winds up in a park. Sitting on a bench, he ponders the day's events.]
Axelrod: (thinking) Let's see. I had a party, I got drunk, obviously, I wound up in a pile of trash, I have no idea where I am and my guns are missing. It's Waspolis all over again, only with less honey. Also, I need to call my wives to make sure that they aren't worried about my disappearance.
[Axelrod picks up his cell phone and calls Kuko first and it goes to voicemail.]
Kuko: Konichiwa. Kore wa Kuko. Watashi wa ima isogashidesu. Dengon o nokosu!
[Axelrod hangs up]
Axelrod: Dammit! She's busy as usual. Probably a drug deal or something. Maybe Sune will respond.
[Axelrod calls Sune and it goes to voicemail.]
Sune: Igeos-eun Sune! Il-i neomu bappeuda! Kkeojyeo!
[Axelrod hangs up]
Axelrod: Hm! Typical wife response! (sigh) Then again, she is a ninja. How about Selaña or Aritzia? Maybe they'll bring me home, given their passionate love for me?
[Axelrod calls Selaña and it goes to voicemail.]
Selaña: ¡Hola! ¡Me llamo Selaña! ¡Estoy muy ocupado ahora mismo! ¡No coquetees conmigo, ya soy una mujer casada!
[Axelrod hangs up and calls Aritzia. It goes to voicemail.]
Aritzia: Hello! I am a married woman living with my beautiful husband! I am also a venomous scorpion that can render you dry! If this is a prank, prepare to die!
[Axelrod hangs up]
Axelrod: Okay! They're busy right now. What about Jessica?
[Before Axelrod can call her, he checks his messages and Jessica sent a text a few minutes ago.]
Axelrod: Dear Axey, I'm visiting my folks at the Envy ring. Some lousy family gathering or something. Probably bumping into my dumb twin sisters! I hope you're not drunk, lost, stolen, or both 1 and 2. Also, I left some biscuits and my sexy honey for you! Bye, Jessy! (bummed) Well, that went south, no pun intended. I wonder if? Nah! She's probs inside the box. But, j.i.c.?
[Axelrod calls a number and someone answers.]
?: Hello. Who's calling?
Axelrod: It's Axelrod. Whom am I speaking to?
?: Axelrod! I'm one of Harlacher's friends. My name's Marchi.
Axelrod: Marchi? Are you that babe who made out with Rial in order to see if I was a virgin?
Marchi: Yes, sir. I was that babe who made out with my coworker.
Axelrod: Ahh, I knew it! I tend to forget that there are other sexy women other than Harlacher! Where is she, anyways?
Marchi: Harlacher, unfortunately, has an appointment.
Axelrod: Appointment? With who?
Marchi: With her clients. Hon, we aren't all sluts. Some of us have real jobs. She's a lawyer, Rial's a dental assistant, and I'm in project management.
Axelrod: Agh! This is what happens when I implement an education requirement for all the individuals inside the concubine box. But, totes worth it!
Marchi: Where are you, hon?
Axelrod: I have no idea. I hosted a party in my penthouse and I woke up in a pile of garbage. I'm figuring you might piece together the events that have happened?
Marchi: Hold on, I'll try pinging your location! (taps her phone and detects Axelrod's location) Sir, according to this you're in Imp City!
Axelrod: Imp City!? (looks around the place) That explains some stuff. Are you sure?
Marchi: Either that or this app's busted?
Axelrod: Well, I'll try to manage. Don't know peeps here but at least I'm not surrounded by rival gangs. Thanks, Marchi!
Marchi: No prob, babe.
[Axelrod hangs up and tries to take it all in]
Axelrod: (thinking) Okay, I'm in Imp City. This isn't the worst place I'm stranded in. My trip and accidental genocide at Arms City is still number 1 but things could be worse. Only instead of piles of guns and gas stations everywhere, there are imps. Oh boy. I do not enjoy these "shorties". I wonder where I got that word from. (beat) Eh!
[Axelrod gets up and walks the park path when he encounters a familiar someone that entices his view. Hiding in a bush, he watches her, sitting on a park bench with her phone, in the distance.]
Axelrod: (thinking) Oh my goodness! Who is that milf!? Seriously, who is that milf!? I mean, I have seen a lot of women throughout my life, but I have never seen a beautiful milf in a city surrounded by "shorties". (hornfully salivates) My goodness, she's a bonafide milf! I want to ask her out, enjoy a nice dinner, drink our cocktails, and hump that butt until she starts pumping out my babies through that booty! And then, I rub her naked body with my body until her sweat starts lubricating me and then ram my tongue down her throat until she starts…(stops for a minute) WAIT A MINUTE! (pants) WHAT WAS I THINKING!? I sound like a stalker for some reason! I need to remind myself something: Hell rule #645: You can't make love (EVEN IF YOU'RE DESPERATE) to a hellhound. (seething) I hate that rule. I hate it with every fiber of my being! I mean sure hellhounds are considered pets but this milf, this glorious milf, must count as an exception? Right? I mean she looks like Yamato from Onigashima! I mean, there's always masturbating but the real deal feels magical. Wait! I need to see if she saw my outburst.
[Axelrod peeks out the bush and she's gone. Deflated, he gets out and continues his way out the park until he spots another familiar someone. He, again, hides in a bush and watches her in the distance.]
Axelrod: Okay. Let's see if you are wife #7? (thinking) Hmm? Not a lot to say. Flat chest but that's manageable. Neck. B+! Lickable but not like a lollipop. She's a bird, probably an owl. I mean, that's going to be a challenge, because 2 of my wives are anti birds, but then again my other 2 wives hate one another. She's also dark, possibly a goth. I mean, I'm an otaku but I don't think she's the type who's into Jujutsu Kaisen. She's probably more into college textbooks and Salman Rushdie than Hiro Mashima manga. I may have to hide my anime room if we get married but I'll probably come up with some compromise to avert this. Where was I? Right! What else? Well, she's got legs. Long legs. Long sharp legs. The type that can slice diamonds, or bread, or diamond bread. Nope, compromise it is! This girl's legs are the DBZ fusion between Maka Albarn and Juvia Lockser! I must have this girl as my wife and nothing can stop me! (stops thinking and sees her again and his excitement turns into fear) Crap! She's underage! Way too underage for me to swoop in and carry her like a newly wed bride. I mean, I'm 20 but even so, she's still a lolli and I can only date/marry women that are, legally, around my age. At her age, she looks like Sailor Saturn. If only she was one year older, she might look like Satsuki Kiriyuin. If she was an adult woman, she would've been a Yor Briar. In either case, I need to flee before people start accusing me of being a creepy stalker or worse, Harvey Weinstein!
[Axelrod gets out the bush and starts following the park path and later outside. Outside the park, his phone starts ringing as he's walking. He answers it.]
Axelrod: Yo! What's up!?
Sune: (indignant) Is that how you respond to your wife!?
Axelrod: (embarrassed) Sune! I apologize! Thought you were some rando who fake kidnapped you or something.
Sune: (sarcastic) Hahaha. Very funny. Listen, I'm sorry for not answering your call. I'm going to be preoccupied with more bounties. You're on your own in terms of food. Try not to burn my room, husband!
Axelrod: That was only one time! I just wanted to make kimchi okonomiyaki for my lovely wife. How was I supposed to know you had a kimchi room?
Sune: Just try not to burn the place! Also, where are you?
Axelrod: (assuring) I'm in Imp City! Don't worry about me. I'll be fine!
Sune: (sigh) I love you so much!
Axelrod: Love you too!
[hangs up]
Axelrod: (sigh) I swear I got better in terms of making okonomiyaki. That stove, however, was not on my side. Of course, in terms of my takoyaki, I still need to beat Kuko's score! I swear she makes it seem so easy! Now where was I? Right, how to escape this food desert! Let's see, are there charter buses? I don't think so. This is Imp City. I doubt any public transportation legislation would be enacted here. I mean there are too many cars and not enough buses or trains or subways. But that does mean I'm the least likely candidate to get shanked by randos who assume dead or alive bounties include missing teeth. And Mandres is never going to answer me due to gang related bullshit! Speaking of bounties, those girls are something. A milf and long legs enter the same park and are just sitting there, unaware about how both of them arouse me. Still, hell has rules for "reasons" and I must obey them like every other "shorty"; accepting and frustrated about it! I would ask Yamato to stand down and let me hump her but she's a hellhound and that's like having sex with your dog. It's weird and obviously demented! And then there's Ms. Long legs. She's got the limbs that say "rub me", everywhere! I personally don't care if she's an owl, I want those legs as much as I want her "nuggets"! But she's also a lolli and for that I'm forbidden from pursuing her "nuggets"! Her looks say goth, which means she wants to get serious, but her age says Hotaru Tomoe! Why must love come with more cons rather than pros! What are they, devil fruits!?
?: What's a devil fruit?
Axelrod: (oblivious) You never heard of a devil fruit? Devil fruits are mystical foods that give any user a specific power that can be either comically or dead serious. The only problem is that once you eat it, the sea automatically hates you!
?: How?
Axelrod: (still oblivious) The sea is full of these rocks called seastone that can nullify any devil fruit user. So, if you jump into the sea you immediately drown.
?: So, why eat these fruits?
Axelrod: (more oblivious) Because, they can give you a power so unimaginable! They can range from turning your body into rubber or mochi to transforming into a dragon or a wolf. In either case, there are 3 types: Zoan, Paramecia, and Logia. Zoan fruits are the ones that turn you into animals with a variety of powers. Of course there are 3 types of Zoan fruits. One is the regular one which gives you the ability to transform into a regular animal, the other is Ancient Zoan which allows the user to transform into a dinosaur, saber tooth tiger or Republican. And then there's the Mythical Zoan which allows the user to transform into a mythical creature like a phoenix or sun god. And then there are the Artificial ones but no one cares about that.
?: What's a Logia?
Axelrod: (even more oblivious) I'm getting to that! Now, Paramecia fruits are the ones that give you superhuman abilities like rubber arms, multiple limbs, soul stealing, or mochi powers. And then there's Logia fruits which allow you to transform into a variety of whatever element you get like ice, light, smoke, sand, lightning, or lava. I, personally, have my own devil fruit powers. Well, more like 3 because I'm special!
?: What are they?
Axelrod: (effing oblivious) The Horny Horny fruit, Ice Cream Ice Cream fruit, and the Oni Oni no mi model: Xibalba. I'm thinking of adding more but 3 is sufficient.
?: What about the girls you saw?
Axelrod: (even more effing oblivious) Well, theirs are different. The milf would be Sake Sake no Mi. It grants the user the ability to control liquor. And for that goth, Ui Ui no Mi Model: T. It fits her personality.
?: Wait, why do we get one and you get 3?
Axelrod: (so motherfucking oblivious) Technically, you can only eat one devil fruit since eating another one will make you explode. I'm immune to this rule because I'm awesome!
?: Then how about giving those girls the same thing?
Axelrod: (this guy is so oblivious, I wonder if he knows it) Well, that's the issue! I only saw them from a distance so it's hard for me to know what they personally prefer as a second fruit.
?: Well, have you personally asked me about it?
Axelrod: (I give up) That depends, what's your name?
Octavia: I'm Octavia Goetia. The girl whose legs turn you on!
[Axelrod turns his head left and Octavia is walking beside him, seething.]
Loona: And I'm Loona. You know, the milf you were peeping at!
[Axelrod turns his head right and Loona is also walking beside him, baring her fangs.]
Axelrod: Okay! I'm going to close my eyes and when I open them, the girls who I saw at the park have vanished. 1, 2, 3 and!? (stops walking and looks forward) (sigh) Just a hallucination!
Loona & Octavia: (in unison) OH REALLY!?
[Axelrod finds both girls standing angrily at him until his cell-phone makes the situation awkward. He answers it.]
Axelrod: (sheepishly) Yo! This is Axelrod. What's up?
Harlacher: Hey, Axey dear! How are you? Also, why are you tense?
Axelrod: Tense? I'm not tense! I just had a bad thought.
Harlacher: You sure? Cause you sound like a group of thugs are pointing their guns at your crotch?
Axelrod: What? No. No. No Harlacher. It's nothing like that.
Harlacher: I'm going on video! Hang on, Axey!
Axelrod: Wait! What?
[Axelrod's phone starts ringing for a video chat with his mistress. He answers it and Harlacher is puzzled.]
Harlacher: Okay, Axey! Where are you?
Axelrod: Hmm. Imp City.
Harlacher: Imp City? Imp City!? You're alone in a terrible part of the Pride Ring! Are you okay? Are you hurt? Have you eaten anything? Why didn't Marchi tell me about this!?
Axelrod: Because her job as project management keeps her in the office too much. Besides, she probably told Leah and you know.
Harlacher: Fucking ditz! Look, calm down! I'm coming to that dump on the HX-69!
Loona: You have a supercar?!
Harlacher: Who was that?
Axelrod: Umm? I may have met some interesting girls? Hey!
[Axelrod's phone is taken by Loona and both her and Via talk to Harlacher.]
Loona: Hey. Name's Loona!
Octavia: And I'm Octavia! Axelrod can't come to the phone right now. Can I leave him a message?
Harlacher: Tell him it's the Black Cat Syndicate!
[Phone call ends and Octavia gives Axelrod his phone. Then, Loona grabs Axelrod's crotch while Octavia grabs his neck. Adamant, they demand Axelrod an answer!]
Loona: So, rich boy! Tell me, what else are you hiding!?
Octavia: You have some explaining or else! Now, talk!
Axelrod: Okay! I'll talk but please no pinching.
[Axelrod walked and talked to the two girls about who he is, what he's doing here and why he was looking at them. Afterwards, both of them just laughed at the story Axelrod told.]
Loona: So, let me get this straight! You got drunk from a party and wound up in a pile of trash with no memory and decided to find some women to be part of your polygamy sex cult!
Axelrod: Harem! It's called a harem! Polygamy is for the Mormon community. Harem is the politically correct term for someone like me.
Octavia: And why would the both of us want to join?
Axelrod: Ok, wait! First of all, I can't take in the hellhound! Hell's rules prevent me from such actions. Also, I want to have you but you're underage and thus impossible.
Loona: This is hell, right?
Axelrod: Yes! However, this is still frowned upon, even in a land full of sin.
Loona: Then what the hell is Hell supposed to be?
Axelrod: Life lesson 1: Life is full of insanity! Deal with it!
Octavia: And why would I agree to this?
Axelrod: I never said you were in. I am willing to wait another year until you reach 18 and then I will find you, sweep you off your sexy legs, and get married!
Octavia: And if I refuse?
Axelrod: Look, I know you're outright angry but in my defense your sexy legs got me horny. And they really are fucking sexy!
Octavia: What kind of fucked up fetishes you got? Are feet one of them?
Axelrod: NO! No feet! Not since Vivienne Medrano! And that's another story. No, my fetishes are simply: Breast, neck, and legs. That's that!
Loona: What about my legs? Are they sexy?
Axelrod: Yes! And so are your breasts! I want to ride them with my 10 ft dick until you plop out my child! (snaps out of it) No! Dammit! I need to calm down before my thoughts get weird.
Loona: Yeah, things just got weird. They're weird right now.
[Axelrod's stomach starts rumbling]
Axelrod: Look, bitch at me all you like but I need to eat! Is there any restaurant that can provide me with such a meal!
[Both Loona and Octavia take Axelrod to the nearby fast food place in town. Axelrod is disappointed.]
Axelrod: (disappointed) This is a joke, right? Imp Burger! Out of all the joints, you pick Imp Burger!? Are there not any Indian, Thai, or Mexican restaurants? Not even an izakaya?
Loona: Hey! You wanted food. This is food!
Axelrod: I had Imp Burger once! And late at night, I went back with a sawed off shotgun!
Loona: It's either that or Fizzaroli's Pizzaria?
Axelrod: (horrified) NO! NO! NO! We're going inside this dump!
[They enter the poor excuse of a fast food restaurant and they're the only ones inside]
Octavia: Why did you return with a shotgun?
Axelrod: Ehh, the cashier was masturbating to my ninja wife.
[Loona and Octavia blush in shock.]
Loona: Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're telling me the rumors were true?
Axelrod: Yes. Fizzaroli's pizza sauce is 80% rat blood.
Octavia: Rat blood? Was it good?
Axelrod: Good? No! They weren't even decent rats. They were like the "tilapia of rats".
Octavia: So, garbage rats?
Axelrod: Yes! Sort of. Now, what to get?
Loona: I don't know, No. 1?
Axelrod: No! I returned to another Imp Burger with an AR-15.
Loona: Fine, No. 2?
Axelrod: No way! It's too greasy! I had trouble using my fingers when pulling the trigger. At least that's what happened back at the Greed ring?
Loona: Ugh! How about No. 4? It's a chicken burger!
Axelrod: Is it crispy or grilled?
Loona: It's a chicken patty.
Axelrod: Crispy or grilled?
Imp Burger Employee: (deadpan) It's a chicken patty made out of ground chicken meat that we grill and serve with 1000 island dressing.
Loona: Nope! Screw it! Let's go with a No. 6!
Axelrod: I want a large No. 6 and a medium No. 6!
Loona: Wait a minute! Medium? Who's the medium for?
Axelrod: (points at Loona) You?
Loona: Fuck no! I want a large size.
Axelrod: Fine, a large No. 6 and a supersize no. 6!
Loona: Supersize? Are you trying to fuck with me here!?
Axelrod: You wanted a large meal. I'm desperately hungry. A supersize is basically small compared to a large size. And make my fries have salt! Last employee who gave me fries with little to no salt, let's just say 666 Fifthteen Street has a funky odor that nobody can pinpoint!
Imp Burger Employee: (sighs) We got 2 orders of No. 6's. Make sure the supersize has salt this time!
Axelrod: Crap. Octavia!
Octavia: You can call me Via.
Axelrod: Okay. Via, you want something?
Octavia: In this dump, no thanks!
Axelrod: Aight! (takes out his wallet and pulls out his black card and both girls look at Axelrod with awe.)
Octavia: No way! You have the Black Mammon!?
Loona: The Black Mammon. Only one out of seven cards that define immediate wealth! Is it yours!?
Axelrod: Yes and no. It is mine but it used to belong to some idiot Mammon trusted it to.
Octavia: So, you stole it?
Axelrod: Oh, please! The guy's last purchase was a backscratcher! He never splurged it like a true owner!
Loona: So, you stole it from one of Mammon's big boys! You are either fucked up or hardcore!
Axelrod: I prefer the term Jeff Bezos.
Loona: Burn!
?: Okay! That'll be 36 souls!
Axelrod: 36! Does that come before or after taxes!? (dumbfounded) Cherami?!
Cherami: (happy) Axey! How are you, sweetums!
Octavia: Axey?
Loona: Cherami?
Axelrod: You're working at Imp Burger! What and Why?
Cherami: I need the money and they're willing to hire any sexy girl with bouncy tits!
Axelrod: Is this because I requested an education mandate? If so, I only did it because my wives would get suspicious if random vixens were walking in my room.
Cherami: No, hon! I got a job because I need money to pay rent.
Axelrod: What rent? The rest of the concubines never need to pay rent. If anything, getting a dead end job is unnecessary.
Cherami: And a car.
Axelrod: If I buy you a car, will you quit this dump?
Cherami: Sort of? Still need the money for those Faustus handbags. Marchi says she saw one in the Greed Ring.
Axelrod: Cherami, I have a Black Mammon. We're perfectly secured so long as I keep this with me.
Cherami: (realizing her mistake) Hey, dumbass! You can take this cap and shove it up your ass!
Imp Burger Employee: Dammit! Time to hire another slut!
Axelrod: Hey! Where's my food!
[Axelrod, Loona, Octavia leave Imp Burger with Cherami while carrying the food. Unbeknownst to them, a vehicle leaves the highway.]
Axelrod: So, what car do you want?
Cherami: The BK 3450 SUV!
Loona: The what?
Cherami: The Brass Knuckles 3450! The latest SUV that comes with mounted grenade launchers, explosive caltrops, and armor that's rocket launcher resistant. Only 1,290,500 souls!
Axelrod: With a 5% surcharge.
Loona: That's . . . interesting.
Axelrod: For a lot of folks, it is. For me, it's great. But my own cars are ones that range from collectable to insane mode rare.
Octavia: How so?
Axelrod: Ever heard of The Bismillah!
Loona: Uhh, no?
Octavia: No.
Cherami: Exactly! It is so rare, only this sweet guy knows how.
Loona: So, how do you get one?
Axelrod: It's like the Amex Centurion card! You don't get one, they give you one.
Octavia: And who's they?
Axelrod: Nobody knows! All I know is that this car makes other supercars look like pintos.
Loona: Have you driven it?
Axelrod: Yes.
Octavia: Can we see it?
Cherami: Absolutely not! This is the type of car that requires your credit score to be 1000.
Octavia: Pretty sure credit scores end at 850.
Axelrod: If you have or use one of the 7 Deadly Sins cards, credit scores become bullshit.
Loona: How many of those cards do you have?
Axelrod: Just this one. The White Lucifer and Crimson Modeus are very hard to obtain due to their limited availability. As for the other 4, they're more of an option than mandatory.
Loona: And what makes this "black card" special?
Axelrod: The Mammon Black is a credit card that has NO spending limit, NO APR, NO annual fee, gives you 5000 points for every 5 souls you spend, all hotels are free, and, the best part, NO BILLS ARE NEEDED TO PAY! You can literally splurge heavy on this card and at the end of the month, they never send you a monthly bill.
Loona: And how much souls do they put in it?
Axelrod: How much is infinity?
[Both girls stop walking as Loona falls down and her jaw drops and Octavia trips and falls down at the sidewalk from Axelrod's response. The group, however, stops as Octavia stands up and asks a question.]
Octavia: Wait? If you don't get a monthly bill, then who does?
Axelrod: Some rando nobody cares.
Octavia: Like me?
Axelrod: No, no, no. You're a beautiful rich owl with knife legs. I meant a random imp who nobody cares about. Some imp who's sad, has a menial job, and has coworkers who take advantage of it.
Loona: Moxxie?
Axelrod: I have no idea who that is, but that sounds about right!
[Loona just starts laughing at the thought of Moxxie getting a random bill for 5 million souls and getting a stroke ulcer from the audacity of it. Just then, the HX-69 appeared. The car looked sleek and sharp with big bullet proof wheels, 3 carbine rifle barrels in the front and a sharp spoiler that reads "too rich for your poor ass". The car blows both Loona and Octavia's minds. The window rolls down as Harlacher appears, crossed, with an AK-47 pointed at the two.]
Harlacher: (enraged) Just when I finally found my Axey, you two bitches started gawking at me! Well, guess who's here too?!
Loona & Octavia: (unison) Who?
[Suddenly, Octavia is grabbed by a mysterious shadow as Harlacher points the assault rifle at Loona and then she pulls out a shotgun at her. Meanwhile, Sune appears out of the mist and pulls a kusarigama (chain-sickle) at Via's throat. The ladies are at a standoff as they wait and see who kills whom.]
Sune: So, you must be the fucking kidnappers who threaten my husband! What is it you seek? Money? Cars? Guns? Answer me!
Loona: Kidnap? (snickers) Listen to me, foxy! We never took your husband "hostage"! He did it to himself!
Harlacher: (angry) Liar! He was trying to get back home when you took his phone and snidely responded to me like some pimp! (cocks rifle) Don't move or else!
Loona: Ha! You're really gonna kill me with that!? Compared to my aim, yours will miss on account of your fidgeting.
Sune: Have you ever taken into account my accuracy? My shurikens will pierce your chest, into your heart, and you'll die a slow painful death in the hands of a wakagashira!
Octavia: Wakagashira?
Loona: It means 2nd lieutenant in Japanese! And you know what, forget this ho! Let's fight! You and me!
Sune: I am confused!?
Loona: You heard me! Drop the owl and fight this hellhound bitch! (drops the shotgun, bares her fangs and claws) I want to settle the score between wolves and foxes as the true primal hunter of the woods!
[Sune drops Via to the floor and aims her sickle at the hellhound]
Sune: You speak like a wolf but you're foolish like a monkey! Unlike your kind, us foxes kept our spiritual energy intact. Free from domesticity and cuteness!
Loona: Cute? (demonic) I"LL SHOW YOU CUTE!
[Octavia tries to slide away from the beatdown until the sound of a rifle makes her stand still]
Harlacher: Hey! I'm not done with you! You're the owl bitch who wants to kill my Axey!
Axelrod: Harlacher! Wait right there!
Harlacher: Axey! Cherami?
Cherami: Harlacher! I thought you had clients to attend?
Harlacher: Certain events far away interrupted my daily work. (cocking her gun) Like these girls making threats to Axey!
Axelrod: They aren't threats! At best, it's more of random civilians getting caught in the crossfire.
Octavia: Yeah, what he just said.
Harlacher: So you aren't?
Octavia: Nope.
Cherami: She's actually Goetia.
Harlacher: Like?
Axelrod: Yes!
Harlacher: (embarrassed) My mistake! Although, I kinda told your ninja wife and she's?
Axelrod: Unfortunately. However, (aroused) I'm super happy I got to see this!
[The group watches from afar the fight against Loona and Sune as both exchange barbs with each other.]
Loona: Hey, nine tails! You really are one skinny fox! Your husband isn't feeding you right?
Sune: How dare you! I have the physique of yamato nadeshiko and the accuracy of a jounin! And what do you mean "nine tails"?! I have three! I am the youngest of any kitsune! MY husband loves me regardless of tail growth! Look at your body, you may have the waist of a fertile woman, but I bet you'll produce ½ a puppy, 1 if lucky!
Loona: ½ a puppy! Eat my foot, fox bitch!
[The fight drags on and on with neither side giving up and Axelrod just gawks at them with, erectly. He tries to understand the situation in the midst of his typical response.]
Axelrod: (thinking) Oh boy. First, I get lost, then I spot Yamato laying on a park bench, then they appear next to me, they and Maka threaten Harlacher with something, we get to talking, and now both Yamato and Yasaka are fighting over who rules the woods! I swear I have a weird taste in women. Hey wait, did I see Yasaka's panties! Oh shit, Yamato showed her breasts! What beautiful nipples! I wonder if the two get naked and start rubbing their breasts over my face and… (snapping out of it) Hey! Stop fantasizing about the fight in your hentai world! Why do I do that? I swear I tend to drift away from things and fantasize about sexy women.
Octavia: Hey Axelrod.
Axelrod: Hmm?
[Axelrod then looks away and spots Octavia dressed as Maka Albarn]
Octavia: It's me, Octavia!
Axelrod: Huh?
Octavia: Want to lick my legs?
Axelrod: Do I ever!
[Axelrod starts licking Octavia's legs in a perverted way. Then Via starts moaning in arousal as both she and Axelrod kiss on the lips romantically. However, this fantasy breaks as Axelrod snaps back to reality.]
Axelrod: (thinking) AXELROD! REMEMBER THAT SHE'S A LOLLI! (sighs) Fight the urge! Now that that's over, I need to break up this fight before things get sour!
[Axelrod walks towards the two fighting women, stops at the center, raises both arms, and tries to hold the two simultaneously.]
Axelrod: That's enough! I don't know what instigated the fight but I know this was a misunderstanding gone stupid! Would the two of you shake hands and forgive!
Sune: I'll forgive once she admits foxes are superior!
Loona: Forgive this, bitch!
Axelrod: Enough! Sune, there was no kidnapping. I got lost, tipsy, and found Loona by coincidence. Octavia was also a coincidence. Nobody was involved in a kidnapping plot! This is just Tanuki Town all over again!
Octavia: Tanuki Town?
Axelrod: Raccoon town in Japanese. Sune despises tanukis for being seedy tricksters!
Loona: No shit! Never trust a raccoon! They friend you first and steal your wallet later!
Sune: That we can agree on!
Loona: Thanks! Also, you fight like a true assassin!
Sune: And you have the kick of a wakagashira's bodyguard! Perhaps we can continue the fight some other time!
Loona: Yeah. And I'll kick your ass all the way to sushi town!
Sune: Says the 4000 year virgin!
Loona: I have syphilis!
Sune: Prove it!
Axelrod: Enough! (sigh) Is the tank full, Harlacher?
Harlacher: Yes. Enough for 35 laps in a street race.
Axelrod: Okay! Everybody inside. I need to go home.
Octavia: Wait? Even us?
Axelrod: Yes! You need to see my house and I come to like you. (to Loona) As a friend.
Loona: If it means finding where she lives, (points to Sune) so be it.
[Axelrod opens the car and reveals an interior that amazes Loona. The seats are black with gold horizontal lines. The floors have diamond tiles with sprinkles of platinum. The steering wheel has numerous jewels embedded. The gear stick has a faberge egg for a handle. And the car has a 8K UHD OLED TV in the back seat. As Axelrod and Sune enter the front and the two girls in the back, Octavia notices Harlacher and Cherami entering the trunk.]
Octavia: Hey! Aren't you coming inside?
Harlacher: There's no room in there. We're perfectly fine in the trunk.
Octavia: Ok! (talks to Axelrod) Are they going to be fine in there?
Axelrod: They're my personal mistresses. They can handle any jump or bump. Now, set directions, switch to drive and hit it!
[Axelrod floors the pedal and the car rushes so fast, numerous other vehicles crash into one another from the blur. As the car enters a highway ramp, Axelrod pushes a button labeled "nitrous" and soon the car goes faster than the other cars on the ramp. Other vehicles get blown to bits by Axelrod's guns in the front of the car. After hours of driving, a sign they pass says, "Pentagram City - 40 miles" with another saying "Up my mama's cunt!" Axelrod, elated, starts to wonder about his odd adventure in Imp City until numerous gun shots ruin the mood.]
Axelrod: Ack! Who the fuck?!
[Axelrod adjusts his rearview mirror and notices a biker gang heading their way. Loona and Octavia, napping from the long drive, wake up when Sune yells at the sleepy duo.]
Sune: Wake up, you lazy pricks! We're under attack!
Octavia: Not now, dad. Five more minutes.
Loona: Come on, Blitz! I'm not even fake napping this time!
Axelrod: I need you to wake up! One of you needs to hold the wheel while I take care of these thugs!
Octavia: What happened?
Axelrod: Something bad that may or might have involved me.
Loona: What?
Axelrod: Exactly!
Loona: Why can't the ninja do it? (sees nobody on the front passenger seat) Where is she?
Axelrod: On the roof, where I should be! Now take the wheel!
Loona: Okay! (mutters angrily) Jeez, ask me while napping, why don't you.
Octavia: Wait, what are you going to do?
Axelrod: Something, something, guns!
Octavia: What?
Loona: (offscreen) SOMETHING, SOMETHING GUNS!
[Axelrod pushes the left seat cushion and out comes numerous guns. He takes two assault rifles, one with a grenade launcher attachment, a magnum with a long ass barrel, several handguns, including one with a laser pointer, and a homing missile launcher. Unaware of what's happening, both Loona and Octavia look at the left side mirror and see numerous bikers heading their way. Suddenly, one of those bikers explodes and the others get struck with bullets. One of the bikers heads towards the car and tries to grab Loona until a shuriken hits the biker, collapses on the pavement and explodes afterwards. Suddenly, a helicopter appears and shoots the pavement in a flurry of bullets. Octavia, already flustered, tries to hide under the seat cushions until a biker crashes into the car and tries to grab her. Yelling desperately, Octavia pushes the seat cushion for the gun stash until Axelrod drops a gun for her.]
Axelrod: Here! Use it and kill him!
Octavia: A gun! I don't know how to shoot! (confused) Is this the trigger!
Loona: That's the muzzle! The trigger is in the center and careful with that thing. Last thing I need to tell your father is your accidental shooting.
[Octavia points the gun and shoots the biker in his left arm. Grasping his arm, he continues snatching the flustered owl until Octavia pushes the cushion and finds the stash. Grabbing whatever, she pulls and aims a striker shotgun at the biker. Pulling the trigger, Octavia was surprised when the biker exploded into a fiery mess.]
Octavia: What the fuck!?
Loona: (happy) Awesome!
Axelrod: Is that the Striker? I think that has explosive slugs? Careful with that next time.
Octavia: Explosive!?
Axelrod: Yeah. I only use them for heavy armored idiots or ex-military sinners.
Loona: Like WWII soldiers?
Axelrod: (while shooting) Eh, more like Vietnam, Korea, Iraq war types. Sometimes I'll get those paramilitary dopes but mostly those types. You know, ever since "Islamic fundamentalism" happened, I've been dealing with a lot of "freedom fighters" who insist that their deaths should've sent them to heaven. They forget the golden rule of Heaven; "NO SUICIDE, EVER!" This is why most people shouldn't take the Bible seriously. You'll end up in Hell faster for believing in the most idiotic thing ever quoted.
Loona: True that!
Octavia: Spoken like a true philosopher!
Sune: Your critical thinking skills are superb, my husband! I love that you can be serious in times of crisis.
Axelrod: (gleeful) Thank you, wife! I needed that. And now to end this!
[Axelrod aims the homing missile at the chopper and fires. The missile strikes the chopper, exploding it into numerous fiery bits, and leaving numerous drivers on the highway either burning to death or stuck in traffic. Getting down and taking back the wheel, Axelrod exits the highway and reaches his destination.]
Axelrod: Here it is, my home!
[Loona and Octavia gape at the very tall tower surrounded by numerous gangs. Suddenly, Axelrod's numerous wives rush out the building and proceed to glomp him.]
Kuko: (worried) Husband!
Selaña: Esposo!
Aritzia: Husband!
Jessica: Axelrod, dear!
Axelrod: Don't worry. I just got lost, again. Probably need to stop partying for a while.
Loona: Yeah or you might get lost!
[The wives then notice Loona and Octavia standing on the sidewalk. Kuko, a cat, snarls and pulls out two katanas to strike at the wolf and owl while Jessica readies her stinger that drips scalding poison. Axelrod, tired of what might happen, puts his arms on his two wives' shoulders and orders them to stop.]
Axelrod: (frustrated) NO! NO! NO! NO! They are not targets! They are associates that I met through circumstance! Please, drop your weapons and let them be!
Kuko: Husband! At least let me cut off their tails!
Loona & Octavia: HEY!
Sune: You heard what he said, boss! (pulls several shurikens) Besides, the wolf has earned the right to be my sparring partner until I earn the right to chop her head and put it on my "Enemies Wall".
Loona: Yeah. When we fight again, I'll kick your ass and take your rice cooker as a war trophy. (insulted) Hey! Wait a minute! What do you mean, "sparring partner"! I have the right to be your worst nightmare!
Sune: My worst nightmare is right here (points at Axelrod). Besides, that title is mere edamame compared to the list of enemies I have on my "Enemies wall". (pulls out the kusarigama) Also, STAY AWAY FROM MY RICE COOKER!
Octavia: (dryly awkward) So, why are you her worst nightmare?
Axelrod: She wants me to be more serious.
Octavia: So, you're aggravating to her.
Sune: (insulted) Of course not! (grabs Axelrod and rubs her head to his chest) He's a loving man with a broken GPS system!
Axelrod: And she's a tsundere. Her sour attitude and vulgar language is because I'm a safety risk to myself. If anything, I love that she can be truthful and vice-versa.
Octavia: And you're "interested" in me because . . .
Axelrod: You have long, sexy legs.
Octavia: (awkwardly blushes) Okay! I need to go home before my dad finds out about this. And if you think your wives are dangerous to us, you don't want to meet my dad's wrath.
Axelrod: (so confident) I'm not afraid.
Octavia: You should be. Loona, we're leaving!
Loona: (offscreen) Fine!
[Loona flips off Sune and both her and Octavia enter the HX-69 with a random goon entering the driver's seat and drives off to Imp City. Axelrod, relieved, walks to the front entrance until the HX-69 returns to the penthouse. Axelrod, perplexed, walks towards the car and the passenger window goes down.]
Axelrod: Yes?
Octavia: Yeah. Here.
[Octavia hands Axelrod an Imp Burger bag with Axelrod's order smushed with grease and supersize cup riddled with holes.]
Axelrod: (sigh) Typical biker fight. What can you do?
Loona: Exactly. (chomp) Bleh! This shit tastes cold! Hey! You don't mind that we're taking your striker shotgun and destroying that Imp Burger place!
Axelrod: Ehh. There is, literally, no excuse to give the customer cold food. Also, reload the slugs once you use it. They're inside the compartment in case.
[The HX-69 then leaves and Axelrod enters his house until something catches his eye.]
Axelrod: Huh? Hey, Mandreas?
Mandreas: Si?
Axelrod: (points to Sir Pentious) Get Garlic Jr. out of here. He'll drop the real estate price in the area if he's dangling about.
Mandreas: Okay! Yo Sanjuan, get mah gun!
[Axelrod enters the main hallway, presses the button for the 40th floor, and enters the elevator until he reaches her floor.]
Axelrod: Jessica! Are there still more biscuits?
Jessica: Yes, dear! (sultry) And I have enough sexy honey inside of my abdomen for you.
Axelrod: Thank you, my hornet honey.
End of Chapter 2