AN --

Ok so i know that it took ages for this one to come up, and im sorry, but to make it up to you i made it longer :)

I also tried to make it a bit fun before i made all serious and up tight and yeah..

It had been two weeks since I had made the first move with Edward, and honestly, I am too scared to do anything more, I'm still not ready, but he understands… I think. We had been spending a fair bit of time together, and all my time now is either spent at the Cullen house or at school, but I don't know what to do.

I had just been dragged upstairs by Alice, and to say I was scared at what she had in mind was an understatement. She sat down on the floor pulling me down with her, I fell to the ground lacking the gracefulness I was supposed to be now known for, glad that I could no longer hurt myself. As hard as it is to believe, but even as a Vampire I am still a klutz, it was just on a more epic scale now. Lucky me.

"When are you going to make the next move?" She asked accusingly, I decided the best way out of this one is to play dumb.

"What are you talking about Alice?"

"Oh, don't play dumb with me, I see you two holding hands all the time. Now when are you going to make the next move?"

"Well… I was kinda hoping that he might make the next move…" I replied suddenly finding the carpet very interesting.

"Bella, he isn't going to make the next move because he doesn't want to rush you, so he's letting you take the lead. I've been looking for it in the future too, but for some reason whenever I look for you nothing comes up. Why is that?"

"Uh… secret?" it wasn't a statement, but a question. I knew why she couldn't see me, but if I told her, well it wouldn't be as fun anymore.

"Bella" she wined. I smiled at her wickedly before I stood up and walked out of the room. I could hear her call out after me, but I just ignored her. I walked down stairs where Edward was sitting at his piano.

He smiled when I walked into the room.

"Have a nice chat with Alice?"

"You were listening weren't you?" I asked hoping for dear life he wasn't.

"Sorry" and he did look sorry, he looked truly ashamed of himself, and I couldn't help but laugh, he was acting like he was just caught for a murder not for eavesdropping. He looked at me strangely before standing and shaking his head. He was about to walk out of the room, but I grabbed his arm, stopping him.

"Come for a walk?" I asked hopefully.

He just nodded and laced his fingers in with mine. I loved that we were taking things slow, and I was slowly feeling more comfortable with him in general. I started to run through the forest leisurely, in no rush to get anywhere, but just enjoying the wind in my hair. I felt so free when I was running, especially when I was with Edward like this, it was peaceful.

We reached our meadow and I stopped at the edge dropping his hand. I walked into the clearing lying down on the grass enjoying the peace and serenity. Edward came in and sat down next to me, watching me intently. I watched back with just as much intensity and I truly felt at ease, like this was where I belonged.

A lot of people, including the Cullen's, don't know that I have a gift, like Edward's mind reading, and Alice's premonitions. I have the ability to shield myself, at the start it was just from mental attacks, but I practiced for years, and soon I was able to shield myself from any gifts, I have complete control over my shield so I could pull it down whenever I want too and let someone in.

I could also shield others as well as myself, it had become like a second nature to me, I don't even think about it half the time.

I've never actually pulled down my shield except for when I was learning how too, so Alice would have never been able to see me, Jasper doesn't affect me, and Edward can't hear my thoughts.

But today was different, today I needed to change things, it was time that Edward realised what he did to me when he left, because I don't think I will ever really get over it until I show him this, and I know he wont like it, and I know its going to hurt both of us, but it needs to be done.

I pulled down my shield and called out to him in my mind. We were both staring at each other still and his eyes widened when he saw that I had spoken to him without speaking aloud. I smiled and replied in my mind 'yeah… I'm a shield.'

"What? Why didn't you tell us?"

No one asked…

"Oh…"

I need to show you something, and you're not going to like it, neither am I for that matter, but it has to be done.

He just nodded, looking very wary and I started to show him what happened when he left. I showed him the fuzzy human memory of him leaving, the nightmares I had every night, Victoria chasing me, the bite, the pain, my first year and how scared and alone I was, Denali, the conversation I had with Tanya about him, My mother and Fathers funeral, when he came back, the pain and torture and loneliness, and how much it all hurt.

I watched him carefully as I showed him each scene, he would grimace and flinch every now and then, he gasped audibly when I showed him what Tanya had said about him, and that the nightmares where s reoccurring thing.

When it was over I pulled my shield back up and smiled at him sadly, I hated opening up all those old wounds again, but I knew I had too, it was the only way he could ever truly understand. He stood up and put his hand out for me to get up. He looked so sad; I was almost worried that I had hurt him too much.

When I stood up he hugged me, and I hugged back because it felt nice to have his body up against mine again.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. I had no idea, I just – god I'm such an idiot."

I laughed and he looked down at me strangely.

"I'm having trouble seeing where you find the humour in all of this"

I just smiled up at him.

"You do it every time." I said fighting back a laugh.

"Do what?" He demanded

"You call yourself an idiot, even though you have been to high school god knows how many times, you have degrees in medicine and science and who knows what else, you know almost everything about anything, and you call yourself an idiot."

I know it wasn't really all that funny, but if you were in my situation you would have laughed too.

"Ah Bella, what am I going to do with you?" He asked looking down on me.

I just shrugged my shoulders finally pulling out of the hug. I stood up on the tips of my toes, trying to reach his height, and kissed him on the cheek. I wanted him to know that I wasn't mad about all of that still, I needed him to know that I had finally forgiven him, and even though I still don't trust him entirely, it's a start right?

I grabbed his hand, meshing our fingers together, and I started to run out of the meadow. We were approaching the house and I could hear the bubbling of the stream that was right next to the house. I could also hear laughter and splashing. The best thing about being a Vampire is that weather doesn't bother you, so we could enjoy swimming in winter or on the colder days.

We walked into the clearing, hand in hand, and started to make our way over to the creek. I stopped about 2 meters away from the bank, trying to avoid being splashed. Edward turned around to look at me, noticing that I didn't want to get wet; then he did what any other person would do.

He picked me up bridal style and threw me into the water. I stayed under the water for a while, glad that I wasn't wearing anything important, but he would still pay for this, that was sure. I rose to the surface and glared at him; I got out of the water and walked up to him. He looked worried so I reassured him with a cute smile; I would make him pay, but not now.

"Can you get me a towel please?"

He just nodded and walked into the house. He was back seconds later with a towel in his hands. I smiled as I took it off him and wrapped it around my body. After I had dried off he and I walked into the house, we went up into his room to relax for a while.

I was sitting on the couch and we were listening to music, I subconsciously reached up and touched my neck where the locket I used to always wear would sit. Edward saw that and suddenly his face lit up. He walked behind me and I saw him reaching into his pocket for something, then he put a necklace on me. I looked at it, it was my locket!

"I'm sorry, I took it after I found out that you were dead, even though you clearly weren't, I went back to your house and saw it, I took it because I knew how much it meant to you, and I kept it with me all the time."

"Thank you."

I turned around and kissed him lightly on the lips, the kiss was sweet and lingered. I stepped away and opened the locket; inside it was a picture of myself and Edward from Prom. I smiled lightly and snapped it shut, I would never take it off.

I sat down on his couch and hugged one of the pillows; we had school in the morning, so half the night would be spent getting ready, and by getting ready I mean it will be spent by me being "Bella Barbie" for Alice and Rose. He sat down next to me and smiled. I leaned into him and he put his arm around me, holding on tightly.

We had accomplished a lot today in our relationship, I finally felt comfortable around him, although I was still very wary, and I kept my heart locked up, but soon, he would have the key again, of that I was sure. Tomorrow was going to be an interesting day, because tomorrow I was going to get explanations about everything.

It was time everything was put out on the table, no more secrets, nothing. Even if it killed us, I was going to get all the answers I wanted, needed, and it was defiantly going to be hard, because I'm sure there are things he wants to know too.

……………..

School had sucked majorly, classes were lame, and Alice I got into trouble for talking in class and had to go to a damn detention, which we only did half of because we used that half to talk our way out of it.

Alice rang Edward to come pick us up, seconds after she snapped the phone shut I saw Edwards silver car turn into the parking lot. I slid into the front passenger seat, smiling at Edward while Alice slid into the back. Edward held onto my hand as he started to drive away, not letting go until we reached the house and had to get out.

Alice jumped out of the car first and ran inside to Jasper, those two hated being separated for too long, it was sweet. Edward got out and ran around to my side of the car opening the door for me. I stepped out of the car and took his awaiting hand, this had become routine now, we held hands almost every second we were together, it was nice to feel connected once again.

We walked into the house hand-in-hand and stopped in the lounge room where Alice and Jasper were sitting on the couch, staring at each other intensely, just like they always did, and although they were just looking at each other, it was so unbelievably private.

We walked up to Edward's room, putting our bags down next to the door. I walked over to his couch, plopping down on it, and spreading out so that I took up most of the couch. Edward sat at the opposite end and I put my feet in his lap.

We just sat there for ages before I decided it was time to do something, I couldn't avoid this conversation forever.

"Edward?" I asked breaking the silence; he looked towards me indicating that he was listening.

"I… I need some answers."

I didn't know how to continue, I didn't know where to start, there was so much I needed to know.

"What kind of answers?" He asked quietly, I knew he would tell me anything I needed to know.

"Uh… I don't know where to start." I admitted nervously.

He smiled sweetly, showing me that he would cooperate and I didn't have to worry about it.

"How about from the beginning?"

The beginning? Where was that though?

"Ok the beginning, um well, a while ago, when I was talking to Carlisle, he said that you came back to check on me, and something you saw, it changed you, what happened that night?"

He sighed heavily.

"I decided I couldn't stay away from you anymore, I needed to see you. So I thought I would check on you one night, I didn't want you to know I had been there, I shouldn't have been there, I tried to make a clean break, but it was so hard. I went to climb up to your window, expecting it to be closed, but found that it was open, this had shocked me, I had thought to myself, why would she leave it open, unless she was hoping for me to come back. I sat in the rocking chair in the corner of your room and watched you sleep for hours, but something wasn't right, you were too quiet.

"Then you started to talk, and roll around. You were calling out to me, asking me to come back, and I so badly wanted to reach out and tell you I was there, and that it was ok. You were crying, and it hurt to know that I caused you so much pain. But I thought that you would get over it eventually, that you would forget, because all humans forgot eventually.

"Then you sat up and screamed. I quickly hid in your closet and watched as Charlie came in to see if you were alright, he acted like this was a regular occurrence, the way he just shrugged it off made me mad. You cried yourself to sleep, and I snuck out your window before anyone could see me."

I was shocked, he had been there, he had been right there, so close, and I didn't even know.

"Every night."

"Hmm?" he asked confused.

"I had the same nightmare every night after you left, every night, until I could no longer sleep."

"Oh…"

"Anything else you want to know?" He asked.

"Oh, just a million things or two…"

He laughed and I smiled at how easy this had been so far.

"Next question?"

"Ok, um… Carlisle said that you came back to get me, but I was gone, what happened?"

"Well, I decided that I couldn't live with you any longer, so I was going to get you back. I got to your house, but no one was home. So I followed Charlies scent through the town, and to the cemetery. There was a group of people standing around a grave, your family and friends. I walked over to them, to see if you were there, and whose grave it was. As I approached, Jessica Stanley moved aside to let me in. I saw your name on the stone, and well, to say I lost it would be an understatement."

……………

'Isabella Marie Swan – Beloved Daughter and friend. RIP'

"No!" I said a little too loudly. Everyone looked over to me and I stared back at them hoping it was all a cruel joke.

"Edward?" I heard Charlie's gruff voice ask.

"I… She… NO!"

"What are you doing here Edward?" I heard Renee ask lightly.

"I came back, I missed her too much, I love her and I came back for her, but she, and I'm…"

I ran off into the forest at human speed then and as soon as I was out of sight I started to sprint faster than I ever had before.

……………

"Anything else?" He was getting upset now; he didn't like looking back on all this, just as much as I didn't.

"You… you looked after Charlie and Renee… why?"

He looked at me intently for a while.

"Well, I don't know exactly. I just… I mean… I felt attached to them; they were all I had left of you. So I watched over them, I wanted them to stay safe, happy. When I was close to them, I felt close to you too."

I smiled sadly at him; I cannot believe I was once so mad at him for something so sweet, if only I had known.

He looked at me, he was so sad, I could see the pain that he felt when he relived this past, and I felt it too, because this was the first time in the past 100 years that I truly understood. I wanted so badly to stop, to leave it where it was and live happily, but how could I? There was still so much I needed to know.

He sighed heavily before he continued.

"Your mother, she was so crazy, she reminded me so much of you, she was so free, wild, nothing could hold her down, nothing. She was like you in so many ways, she was a magnet for danger, she was always in some trouble, something that I would have to help her out of. I hate to think what had happened if I hadn't been there some of the times I had, just like you." He smiled that gorgeous crooked smile at me.

"But Charlie, well he was something else; he was more like you that your mother in so many ways, you truly do take after him. He was so stubborn, he never changed his mind, well most of the time, there was of course the odd occasion where he would cave, but not often. He would always find his way into trouble, financially usually, because he was too stubborn to admit defeat and cave into it all."

"So what was one of the times he would cave?" I asked suspiciously, he was more stubborn than me.

"Well, did you know about Harry Clearwater's death?"

"Yeah, I had heard about it."

"Well, his wife, Sue, she changed him"

I was getting a bit wary now, I didn't know much about my parents, after I left all I wanted to know was if they were safe and healthy, anything else, well it would be too painful.

"What do you mean she changed him? How?"

"She married him" He smiled

My mouth dropped open, I couldn't believe it, my dad had remarried, and to Sue Clearwater? Wow!

He chuckled lightly, he grabbed my hand holding onto it, he pulled it up to his lips placing a sweet kiss on the back of my hand.

"Can I ask you a question now?"

"I guess, what did you want to ask me?"

"Why did you lose faith in me so easily? How could you give up on me after all the times I told you how much I loved you?"

I wanted to cry, I felt so bad, I was so quick to judge him, because it was so much easier than loving him, it hurt so much less to blame him then to think that maybe he still loved me.

"It was always so much easier, if I had believed in you, if I had kept believing that you still loved me, despite the odds, I think the pain of it might have killed me. It never mad sense that you loved me, and then when Tanya told me that you had done this before, well it just made so much more sense. So then I started to believe that I was just another one of your toys, something that you had your fun with and then dumped, because it made sense."

I was getting mad now, and starting to yell.

"I hated you for it too, I hated that you would make me so damn happy and then pull it all out from under me, and make me miserable, make me want to kill myself because of the pain I felt. Do you have any idea what that was like? You promised me you would stay with me; you promised me that you would always protect me? Where were you when I needed you? WHERE!?"

I didn't mean to yell at him, it just made me so mad, so unbelievably mad, because honestly, I was in hell for those years, a hell that I couldn't break loose of, no matter how hard I tried.

He looked shocked, he looked pained, but mostly, he looked angry, but not at me, no I knew when he was angry at me, which was never, it was always his fault, everything was always his fault, no matter what it was, he made it his fault, and I hated it, and now, it was going to stop.

"Don't!"

He looked at me shocked again.

"What?"

"Don't get mad at yourself, not now, not again! I'm sick of it, its always your fault in your eyes always! And you know what, maybe this was your fault, because you left me, but I don't care. I didn't tell you all this because I wanted you to hate yourself or to get angry at yourself and beat yourself up, I'm telling you this because its time you understood, it's time you realised what you did to me, how you made me feel. I told you this because you need to accept it and move on, we both need to face this and move on, otherwise it will just keep coming up and we will never get past it, and I don't want to suffer in the past anymore.

"The past is just that Edward, the past! I need you to face it with me, to face it and get past it, together. Please."

He looked at me, he was pained, and he looked like he wanted to run, and hide under a rock somewhere. He was watching me, waiting for me to make a move, to do something. I leant up and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

"It's ok, because I forgive you, I understand you had your motives, you thought you were protecting me, and then you gave up and you were going to come back and get me, but I was gone. It was all bad luck, nothing more, but there is always something in the way isn't there? And if we don't get past this, then it will be another one of those things that will be in the way of our relationship."

He nodded his head for me to continue, I held both of his hands in mine, looking into his eyes.

"I'm sorry"

That was all he said, he didn't go into a speech about how he had no choice, he didn't go on about hating me, he just said he was sorry. I looked into his eyes, knowing that always gave him away, he looked relieved, he looked happy, and he looked at me with the most adoration and love in his eyes I have ever seen.

I smiled at him, knowing we had finally made progress in the relationship, we had finally gotten past a huge milestone, and we were that much closer to being back to our normal relationship, but there is still a lot standing in our way, and it will still take some time to get where we want to be in our relationship.

Some things take time.

AN --

hope you enjoyed it!

reviews! :)