Lithium-Chapter 5

England-Present

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go...

Pocahontas walked down the darkened corridor hurriedly, so much so in fact that she stumbled twice but this was unknown to her. The only fact that did register was that her heart had been broken into a million pieces at the prospect of being used as a pawn in a game of revenge that was solely directed at her; by the very man she loved but a man she was not allowed to love.

She slowed as a sliver of golden light shown through from the door way in which her husband bartered their livelihood and her land. She had known what John Smith had wanted, it was what she had wanted all of these years to feel his heart beat with hers, to feel the warmth of his mouth upon her breast but never had she though he wanted revenge; wanted to publicly mark her as a whore, an adulteress. But she had to admit there had been a choice and the truth was still truth, she wanted him at any cost. Yes, she had sinned but wouldn't it have been a greater sin to deny her heart? At least in that one moment she thought she could heal the wound that had torn both of them, but in the midst of their conquest she knew that a dangerous flame had been lit that would lead to unexpected repercussions. Realizing that time was of the essence she readied herself to walk back into the light.

…Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show.
Never wanted it to be so cold.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.

I can't hold on to me,

Wonder what's wrong with me.

Rolfe watched Rebecca closely as she walked back into the room. She walked in a slow deliberate pace, a pace too deliberate for a woman he thought who had only talked with a man, a man who had abandoned her; as he, her husband had saved her heathen soul. Rolfe could barley bite back the bile that had arisen in his throat, but he would not loose face here, not again, not in front of Smith- he would rather die first. He stood and walked to her in an deliberately angered pace, leaving in his wake a hush over the gaming table.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.

The silence between them was deafening as she and her husband walked to their carriage. Pocahontas sat leaning against the side of the carriage, her eyes searched the darkness to find her husband's. The obscurity comforted her, yet she never halted her search for his face. Denied his eyes, she was given his body. The carriage's lumbering motion threatened to lull her into slumber but it was the tremble of her husband's body, a tremble of anger, which kept her awake and aware of her surroundings. She stayed quiet and allowed the silent shadows and memories to embrace her.

Flashback

Virginia 1607

Don't want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.
Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can't break free until I let it go.
Let me go.

The ground was soft as her dew dampened skin warmed to the oncoming morning. She refused to move. In the fading twilight she wanted to savior the feel of his body against her's and ingrain the rhythm of his heartbeat to her memory. By daylight John would be gone back across the wide distance of sea from whist he came. The gentle crisp morning breeze moved across them and he shifted, even in his sleep he reached for her; bring her ever closer, molding her to him and melding them into one flesh. With his movement she could not hold still any longer and her disloyal arms wraps tighter around him breaking the moment and rudely awaking them both to the reality that this would be their last meeting.

John's eyes opened to her, although he had not slept, he lay there for hours letting the soft embrace of her body heal the gaps of his heart. Before her he had been a broken man; he had lived and seen a thousand different horrors, had even committed them, but never had he felt or loved as completely as he did her. In his head he had known they were doomed from the start, just like she had known, but his heart would not comply and one could not fight their own heart. Tenderly, he stroked her cheek and in doing so the dam of tears built behind her gaze flowed like a river. All he had the strength to do was wipe them away. He and his people were banished from this lush Eden but most of all he was banished from her. He did not know how her father had known, perhaps on a trading meeting with her father his own gaze had drifted to fondly over the striking plains of her face, perhaps it was tension set tight in their bodies that morning at the killing stones, or most likely her refusal of marriage to one of her father's warrior complicated by the rounding of her form which that she presented to her father. He hugged her tighter remembering that that spark of life lasted only long enough to fan the flames of contention which had grown and forced him away this very day.

Her tears slowed as the sky erupted in pale pinks and blues, she knew it was time. She had to let go, for him to live she had to let him go and this she would do. For his life she would become a ghost of her former self; obey and make no demands, not of her father or any one else. She would survive in a shell of memories and build a frozen wall around her heart that no one could penetrate and only he could break.

End of Flashback---

England-Present

I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone.
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show.
Never wanted it to be so cold.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.

Rebecca had spoken not a word to him as they sat in their carriage. Rolfe waited for her to speak, but he knew the answers to his questions would not be forthcoming. They never had been especially when dealing with the subject of John Smith. Rolfe could feel the anger building, it shook his body and he was sure she could feel it; yet she sat indifferent and unreachable. "Would he allow himself to wait?" he asked himself, as his apparent calm exterior began to rapidly break. However, continued with his own silent vigil. Silence, it was what connected them in the beginning.

Rolfe remembered the vast stillness that had shrouded her when he they met. Between them there had existed an ever present silence, but this silence that enveloped them now was all together different from what had existed before. From the beginning he had attributed her silence to some great pain that lived vividly in her eyes, he had accepted this. He had known pain as well and he had tried to heal that "hurt" throughout their marriage but she wouldn't let him. Now as he looked back he found atrocity in her silence, it bit him to the core. He felt fire push through his veins but he would not sully himself, he could wait. His thoughts drifted.

He had been there when Smith had left her alone to chase his dream and find his next whore. He had been there to face the sorrow that filled her eyes as he reached to kiss her that day on the ship. He had felt her stiffness as he made love to her body but never her to heart. He had seen the tears she cried as Smith turned from her on that place balcony and he knew her tears weren't of joy. He ached to bring her to into his arms but he could not, not when he had been near her that would be beneath him. He was not Smith; but he had saved her, he had been there, he had even loved her when she could not.

"Why was she silent, did she not know his love?"

He never got to answer his thought as the jerk of the carriage signaled that they had arrived to their temporary home. The candles had been lit and her skin glowed upon the light. She slowly walked toward the staircase her hand making heavy connection to railing. The door slammed and his voice stopped her. She knew it would hold anger but the malice she did not expect. She respected him; his quietness matched her's, he could be tender, he thought he loved her, and most of all he had been there. She just could not give him her heart, it belonged to another.

"Why so quiet wife." His voice was strained in fury as his body quivered.

Darling, I forgive you after all.
Anything is better than to be alone.
And in the end I guess I had to fall.
Always find my place among the ashes.

She turned to him, but didn't speak a word. She stood silent, she was sure he knew her sin. Her silence only elevated his rage. "What did he do, what did he want… what did you do?" He approached her quickly, his nails piercing into her arm. This had been the duality of their marriage silence and rage. As pain climbed up her arm all the remorse, sorrow, and love she had for him evaporated and she prepared for the blow that always came after.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, ...stay in love with my sorrow.
I'm gonna let it go.