Life: 2.0

Chapter 13: Shades of Grey

Author: knowhere

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: Nothing.

AN: Thank you, thank you for all who reviewed last time. You know I appreciate it because it makes the work seem worthwhile. I'm glad you seem to be enjoying it.

Summary: Literati. Life doesn't always turn out like you expect. Jess and Rory meet as adults when their lives are at a transition period. Life, love, and everything else: Version 2.0. AU.

She hung up the phone, knowing that something big just happened. Why hadn't she just told Jess that Logan was in her home, in her kitchen pacing back and forth, she thought. Why didn't she just tell Jess? She assured herself that she didn't do anything wrong. 'Up until you lied to him,' her conscience mocked.

Rory turned back to Logan who was busy fiddling with the Snapple top, clicking it back and forth, the sound ringing loud in her ears. She rubbed her eyes. "Why are you here Logan?"

"Can't a guy visit a friend?"

"Without any warning?" She wasn't going to aggravate the problem by mentioning that they weren't exactly friends.

He swallowed, clearly nervous. "You're right. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, just tell me why you're here."

"I think Maggie and I broke up."

"What?"

"I think our engagement just ended."

Rory felt her eyes widen. "What happened?" She shook her head as if to dislodge her train of thought, "No. Why are you here? That's what I want to know. Why are you here telling me this?"

"Remember how happy we were when we first starting going out, Ror?" He approached her and she backed away, the kitchen suddenly felt too small for the both of them.

"It's been a long time," she hedged.

"I remember seeing you that day in the coffee shop. You were beautiful and shy and I couldn't let you go without talking to you. Remember that night on my dad's boat, Ror? Remember how we just sat out there in the middle of nowhere, lying on the deck looking up at the stars?"

She did. It had been a very romantic night. Logan had pulled out all the stops to impress her and she had fallen for it. It was a grand gesture and she had appreciated it. It was the first night they slept together. Under the stars.

She nodded, weakly.

"Remember how on top of the world we felt?"

"We just bumped uglies, of course we felt on top of the world. They're called endorphins and all the other happy chemicals rushing through our brains."

He looked hurt, wounded. She suddenly felt bad. No matter how things ended, it really had been a romantic night. A night to be remembered as a happy moment in time. But in ultimately it was a past event. Something only to remembered upon in fond memories and nothing more.

"It was special," he insisted.

"Yes, it was." She could agree to that much.

But if she were honest, it wasn't the most special moment for her. She had a lot of special moments in her nearly thirty years. The time her mom saved up so that she could have a bike for her eighth birthday; her first kiss with Dean; her high school graduation where her mom was so proud of her; the excitement she felt being on her own the first time in college; the fancy dinners and lavish gifts that Logan had given her; the tingles she felt when Jess first kissed her; the excitement when he told her he loved her…

"We had something special, Ror."

That didn't sit well with her. If he had made that statement a year ago, she might have been compelled to agree. But now that she'd been with Jess…she wasn't so sure. She was young when Logan had stepped into her life. A time of transitioning where she was learning how to be her own person; navigate the world without her mom as a constant shield. And now that she was older, well, what she had thought to be a serious and mature relationship just didn't add up to what she felt when she was with Jess.

Logan had offered her the world and all the luxury that money and privilege could buy. He gave her the best of everything. From the littlest things like expensive ground coffee beans, to the big things like the diamond tennis bracelet he gave her on their one-month anniversary. But it was always the good. Nothing but the best for Logan. He gave her the shiny bright picture and when the picture was disturbed by real life getting dirty, it had hurt her in an inexplicable way.

With Jess, he gave her both the good and the bad. He gave her a realistic picture of the world. He showed her that life could be extremely beautiful to the point where it took your breath away. Jess could make her smile at the little things. He joked about mundane things and made her realize the joy in the small things. Like when he had taken her to the park down the street on an impromptu picnic and had packed only ice cream sandwiches for lunch. He made her find joy again and to realize that being in a relationship didn't mean that she needed to give up something. Indeed, Jess made her see that if she was going to be happy with him, she needed to be happy with herself first.

But he also opened her eyes to the horrors of the world. When he would wake up in the middle of the night, sweat-drenched because of his reoccurring nightmare where he dreamt that he was there on the night of his parents' accident, seeing it occur but unable to do anything about it…in those moments, she saw how cruel the world could be in tearing apart a family, leaving a young man to fill an almost impossible role.

"We had a good time while it lasted," she said.

"I," his voice broke, "I think I made a mistake, Rory."

"What do you mean?"

"Us. I mean us."

She fumbled around for a place to sit down. Plopping onto one of her kitchen table chairs, she accidentally swept aside her purse, its contents spilling on the floor. "I'm seeing someone, Logan."

"I know." He sat down across from her, close enough to touch. "And I'm sorry to say this, but I just can't not say anything on the off chance that—"

"That what?" Her brows rose, incredulous that he would even bring this up. "That I'd be really freaking happy at the chance to be with you again?"

"Rory," he grabbed her forearm. "Listen to me. The more I think about me and Maggie, the more I feel like maybe it isn't working between me and her because she's the wrong person for me."

"A year ago, she was the big love of your life! I think those were your exact words. At my grandparents' house we both agreed that we didn't love each other the way we were supposed to!"

"What if I was wrong?"

She shook her head violently, trying to dislodge the conversation. "Don't do this to me, Logan."

"I'm not trying to do anything to you."

"You are!" She gestured, her emotions all over the grid. "You've completely turned all this on its head. You can't just come waltzing back into my life a year later and think that nothing's going to change!"

"So, that's your answer? You've never thought about the two of us being together again?" His eyes pleaded with her, trying to get her to understand.

She paused. "No."

"That's a lie. I can still read you."

"Fine, yes. That was a lie." She threw her hands up in surrender. "Yes, of course I've thought about it."

"Then why can't we do it?"

"Because I'm not a ping-pong ball! I'm not a toy you can just pick up and then drop whenever you feel like it!"

"I was just confused! Haven't you ever been confused?"

"Of course," she said. "But you can't come back into my life. I'm happy where I am now. Please try to understand that Logan."

"You're saying there's nothing left between us?"

She shook her head. "There's a possibility of friendship down the line. If we see each other at a party I won't run away. But as to anything romantic? No. I'm sorry Logan. I know you're confused about your feelings but I think you just need to grow up and make up your mind."

His head snapped up.

"I know that sounds unkind but you really need to learn to make your own decisions. If Margaret's the one, great. But I know I'm not the one for you. And you're not the one for me."

"And this new guy is the one for you?" he asked sullenly.

She shrugged as if it didn't matter when her heart was heavy with the consequences of this conversation. "I don't know. But I'm with him. And…I love him."

Logan froze, his throat working as he swallowed and she realized that was the one comment to snap him out of his funk. By her saying that she loved Jess, it hammered home to Logan how serious she was.

He was silent for a long time but then he sighed and straightened up, his eyes serious. "This might sound insincere, but trust me when I say that I'm happy for you." He paused and she felt his intense gaze on her. "I see that you're happy. And there's a look in your eyes that I was never able to give you."

"Thank you for saying that."

Logan smiled thinly. "I guess this really is it for us, huh?"

"Yes," she said.

"You were," he corrected himself, "are such a big part of my life that it's hard to imagine it's over even though I know it is."

"We did a lot of growing up together and no matter what, I don't regret our time together."

"Thank you for saying that."

"It's true."

He nodded. "I better get out of your way. It's Friday night after all. You probably have plans."

"Even though this was unexpected, I'm glad we were finally able to talk like this."

"He better treat you right. You deserve someone who will do everything in his power to make you happy and to put you first in his life. I wasn't that person for you and I'm sorry that I hurt you."

She smiled softly, touched by his ability to give her such an apology. "I'll make sure he knows that," she added.

He smiled, a genuine curling of his lips. "Tell him he's a lucky bastard." He drew her hands in his and kissed her forehead in a gesture of finality. It was bittersweet and yet Rory realized that it was very necessary to give them both a real sense of closure, once and for all.

Logan turned and headed for the door. When he opened it, he turned and said, "It's your neighbor isn't it? That guy you brought to the party."

Rory nodded, refusing to blush because there was nothing to be embarrassed about. "Yes."

"Well, like I said, lucky bastard." Logan smiled and it felt like he was taking one last good look at her. "Bye Ror."

She watched him walk the short distance to his car, climb in, and drive off. "Goodbye Logan."

She felt as if a great weight had lifted from her chest. This really was the closure she had been looking for all this time. Even after the party at her grandparents where she confronted Logan, there was a sense of unease. They had lost their tempers and under pressure, Logan couldn't give her a reason for why he left. And she was hurt, too upset to concentrate on saying goodbye. Instead, she left that night feeling as if closure was not a possibility for her. But after that conversation with Logan, she realized the reason why for the ending of their relationship wasn't as important as a final gesture of goodbye. She had just experienced the ultimate goodbye.

And now, more than ever, she realized that she loved Jess. Not that she doubted her feelings when they declared their love, but she now felt that her heart was truly free to love him to her best ability and with all her heart.

She glanced over to the side of his house, wincing at the memory that she had lied to him. Even if he had no idea that Logan had come over, she lied by omission and that was still a lie. But at the same time, if he hadn't seen anything, she didn't want to stir things up. This closure was between her and Logan and now that it was over, she didn't want that clouding her relationship with Jess. It had nothing to do with Jess and her.

Jess sat on the stairs facing the front door, willing her to appear in front of it. As pathetic as it sounded, he had been peeking from behind his shutters, waiting for the sight of Logan getting into his car and driving off. But when the first ten minutes passed and then another, and then another, the sick feeling in his gut started to pool. It started to eat away at his confidence. It was a dark whisper that mumbled in his ear telling him that Rory was lying and Jess's mind flashed back to the time where he had walked in on his girlfriend and her lover, right on the bed that he had shared with her.

That same whisper told him that he wasn't the kind of man to be with a woman like Rory Gilmore.

He had been a fool to think he could love someone like Rory. She had a history with a man who could give her everything Jess couldn't. She might have humored him when he took her out for pizza and for a night of bowling, but when it came down to it, Jess couldn't compare to Logan Huntzberger.

Jess Mariano was a thirty-two year old man who admittedly had never been in love, never made a serious commitment to any women, who was responsible for a sometimes surly teenager, and had no savings because he dumped everything he had into a small two bedroom townhouse that had a possible leaky roof.

In the end, he felt foolish for letting his guard down.

He heard her footsteps before he heard the bell chime.

"Rory." Jess stood, his body blocking the doorway.

With her hands in her pockets, her arms where jutting out at a weird angle, reflecting her awkwardness. "There's something I need to tell you."

"Oh?" He hid his surprise behind a calm façade.

"Logan showed up today. Just now. And we talked. Well, he called the other day but he showed up unexpectedly right now."

"What did he want?"

"He and Margaret are having some problems and he's confused. Logan has always been like that with anything important in his life. He's always had a problem making up his mind. His parents basically laid out a life plan for him and I think this is the first time something's gone out of plan and he didn't know how to deal with it." She took a deep breath. "He was confused about his feelings. Feelings for Margaret and what he thought were feelings for me. Well, to be honest, I don't know what his feelings are for me since they're his feelings, but I made it clear that he was the past for me and that I had no intentions to start anything again with him. He understands now. He's gone."

Jess gripped the doorframe, his knuckles going white and his nails biting into his skin. "Thank you for telling me."

"You're angry with me," she tilted her head, confusion coloring her features.

"Yes."

"Because Logan came over? I didn't have anything to do with that."

He shook his head. "I know that. And it's not because of him coming over."

"Then what?"

"You lied to me," he pointed out. "I called you and you didn't say anything about him being in your home."

"You…" she fumbled. "You knew?"

"Yes. Gabe and I saw him get out of his car."

"I'm sorry about that." Rory moved her arms and hugged her midsection as if to comfort herself. "I…don't know how to explain it. It just popped out. When you asked me if anything was wrong, it just came out! You know, like when people ask you how you're doing and no matter how crappy of a day you're having the answer is always 'fine.' You know how it is."

It was like he wasn't even in his body. He didn't know how else to describe it. His fingers clenched around the door frame, the one he was supposed to get around to sanding and finishing this weekend. He felt the wood beneath his fingers, felt the splinter cut into his skin, but it was like he was watching everything happen from the outside.

It was like he had suddenly disconnected from his body and split into two. The Jess on the inside saw Rory frantically try to explain, her brain uncomprehending why he wasn't getting upset or why he wasn't yelling but the Jess on the outside didn't feel her confusion. Outside Jess wanted to protect Inside Jess. Outside Jess told the emotionally inclined Inside Jess that it wasn't worth it. He muttered that she wasn't worth what he was feeling inside. And that the hollow pit he felt inside was pain and that it was to be avoided at all costs.

"You still lied to me." He didn't know what else to say but that statement seemed petty and tedious.

Even though he saw the logic in her statements and understood it, he hadn't liked that feeling of having no control when he heard her exclude the fact that Logan was at her house. Although he knew she hadn't deceived him on purpose, what confused him the most was the feeling of helplessness. It brought back all the memories of Ann and how she had lied to him, telling him that she would be going out with girlfriends when she went to another man.

"And I'm sorry. It was just one of those spur of the moment things. Things that you look back and wonder why the hell you ever did that. Like the time you had that forth helping of chili at that fair you took me to. Remember that? And when I was waiting for you outside that porta-potty, you came out and you were wishing you didn't have that last bowl. Remember?"

Jess smiled sadly at the memory. It took them an hour and a half to drive to that local fair where she overindulged on cotton candy but miraculously recovered from her stomachache with a helping of funnel cake. While he had that extra order of chili and spent the rest of the afternoon in line for the inhumane bathroom. But now Jess didn't remember it with an odd sense of fondness. Instead, he felt hollow.

"Jess," she took his hand but he didn't feel it. Didn't feel the familiar stroke of her fingers, the softness of her skin. He didn't feel anything. "I'm sorry that I lied. But you must believe me. Logan might be confused but I'm not. And that's the important part, right? That conversation between me and him had nothing to do with you and me."

"Didn't it, though?" He asked softly. "Didn't that have everything to do with us? You talking to your ex about feelings that may or may not exist anymore has everything to do with us."

"We've had misunderstandings in the past. What about the time at my grandparents? You had no problem seeing the innocent mistake and moving past that."

"That was different."

"How?" She couldn't understand.

It was before he'd given her a piece of his heart. It was before he let her invade his. It just felt different. "It just is."

"I'm sorry. I don't know how else to say it. It was stupid of me to not say anything, but it was just a mistake. I'm going to make mistakes, Jess. I'll hurt you without meaning to. And I'll do it again in the future. And you'll do the same to me."

"Not if there is no future."

"What do you mean?" Her voice trembled and she paled and her freckles standing out even more pronounced. He could see them clearly and remembered how it was just last night when he traced the ones across the bridge of her nose. What he found utterly endearing yesterday now served to mock him as he tried to sort his feelings. But there were no feelings. It was as if ice flowed through his veins.

"It means that maybe I made a mistake."

She shook her head, as if to deny what she knew was coming. "A mistake?"

"I," his voice shook. "I don't think I'm cut out for relationships. For anything serious. I don't have much to give."

"You're wrong. You've given me more than I ever though possible."

"I made a mistake."

"Falling in love with me was a mistake?" Her voice was small.

For a moment, the two parts of Jess warring for the upper hand disappeared and he was only one person again with all the emotions mixed up inside. He saw her and felt both tenderness and disappointment at the same time. He framed her face gently between his palms. "I don't know. Just hearing your voice at the other end of the phone, not telling me the truth, it brought back bad memories for me. And even though I can understand that you hadn't meant to hurt me on purpose, it still hurts."

Her eyes welled up with tears. "I'm sorry I hurt you. It wasn't intentional. But the pain is apart of life. Of love. I learned that."

He swallowed. "I don't think I want to do it then."

Rory pulled out of his arms and her eyes hardened. "You're kidding yourself."

"What do you mean?" He lifted his chin and stared down at her.

"And your past needs to stay in your past, Jess. It's unfair to pin what other women have done to you in the past on me. You hide behind excuses of responsibilities and Gabe. You think that if you cower behind him you'll save yourself from hurt. But life is going to hurt you. You of all people should know that. One moment, the ones you love are around you, and the next, they're gone. Gabe is going to hurt you. You're going to hurt him. You'll both lie to each other and it'll hurt."

"He's family. It's not the same. I don't have a choice with him."

"But with me you do, right? That's what you mean." She stepped back and shook her head as if it pained her. "You're fooling yourself, Jess. I almost feel pity for you. Not every relationship can be perfect."

"I'm not asking for perfection, I'm just asking for—"

"For what? No pain. You're so deluded."

He let her insult him because he knew he deserved it. But at the same time, he didn't like how she neatly boxed in all his insecurities and faults, tied it into one little package and spelled it all out for him. "Then why would you want to be with me, Rory? I'm not like Logan. I can't give you things that you want. Have you ever thought about it? If we were together, if we got married, you wouldn't be only getting me, you'd get Gabe too."

"You've thought about marriage?" she whispered.

"It's nothing."

"Of course. Nothing."

"You deserve better than this."

"That's just the ultimate guy break-up line, isn't it?" she sneered. "You think that you're doing me the favor by breaking up with me because you give me this bullshit excuse of it being better for me."

"It's true."

That set her off. "That should be my decision! You don't get to decide for me who I want. It's my decision!" She walked backwards and then turned. "You know what? You're right. I deserve someone who'll love me just the way I am. Not someone with a fairytale vision of me who puts me on a pedestal, but someone who sees my flaws and loves me because of them. Someone who is willing to be hurt from life with me. Someone who'll stay with me no matter all the stupid mistakes we make."

He watched her walk away and it felt like something was immediately missing from his life. The ice that was freezing his veins flowed freely now throughout his whole body, encroaching his heart and sealing it up.

"Don't say a word Gabriel. Not one word." Jess didn't have to turn to know that his brother was standing right behind him on the stairs. "Please, don't say anything."

"Okay." Jess heard Gabe shuffle his feet. "But that was the most pitiful excuse for a breakup I've ever seen. You didn't even yell at her."

Jess turned and chuckled lightly, the sound hoarse. "Sorry to disappoint but I think I've have enough horrible breakups in the past. Throwing things and yelling are so cliché. I'm turning a new leaf."

"Yeah. A new leaf where you toss out the best thing in your life."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

Gabe came down the stairs. "I know she made a mistake and she's sorry for it. I know that for some reason you can't get pass a little lie. And I know that you're so afraid of finally being with someone that might be permanent in your life that you're making Rory pay for someone else's sins. She's not the one who cheated on you, Jess."

"How do you know about that?"

Gabe shrugged. "Doesn't matter. You could go after her, you know? Just admit that you're a man and therefore an idiot and after a night of groveling, it'll all be the same again."

Jess smiled even though his body felt like lead. "It's that easy, huh?"

"Yeah. After you beg, she'll forgive you and tomorrow you'll go back to the normal routine. It'll be Saturday so you'll probably mow the lawn and Rory will spy on you from her upstairs spare bedroom and pretend that she doesn't know you see her. And you'll pretend that you don't know she's there and that you two are playing some sort of elaborate game of foreplay. Then for dinner you'll do barbeque and I'll make up some excuse to leave and finish my homework when you give me that evil eye of yours. When you think that I'm asleep you'll sneak out of the house even though we both know where you're going and what you're doing. And everything will be the same again."

"That sounds nice," he said wearily.

"Just go and say you're sorry."

"No."

"No? What do you mean no? You just said it sounded nice. Why can't you just go and apologize to her? Make things right?"

"Because it'll be like saying that it didn't hurt."

Gabe rolled his eyes. "Oh for god's sake, Jess! What do you want? A confession signed in blood before you'll forgive her? As if you didn't just hurt her, you self-righteous bastard." He turned and went up the stairs without another glance.

Jess watched his brother leave and wished that he could see things in such black and white again. But pride was such a stubborn thing. And it colored everything in shades of grey.

AN: So, are you cursing me for leaving it like that? :) Read and Review for Chapter Notes explaining about the breakup!