Note: (I don't do many authors' notes because I never read them, but I digress…) I wrote this chapter from three different point of views, but I like Jasper's the best because his character is based off of one of my best friends. If you hate it tell me… I can handle it… if you like it tell me because I just found out my ex-fiancé of only four months ago has moved some horse faced bitch into my house and I could really use some good mojo.
Much love!
Disclaimer: I want very much to claim that everything is mine, but alas only the storyline is mine while the names belong to another. Touché Madam Meyer, touché.
Chapter 1
JPOV
My favorite noise in the entire world, apart from my wife's voice, is bubbles: Glorious ganja driven bubbles. Unfortunately I can't have both at the same time, I told my wife that I quit smoking weed when we decided to start a family, lucky for me, and my dealer, Alice travels for work… a lot. Which is why I was lounging in my god given glory, flipping through 150 channels of cable's finest Thursday night programming, and giving my bong a long overdue workout. God, do I love bubbles.
Primetime television is complete and utter bullshit, no one's that fucking happy, that fucking perfect, that fucking anything. Real life is confusing; it's difficult right out the gate. Every person comes out of the womb screaming bloody murder, and it makes me think that our newborn selves know a secret that diminishes over time only to be rediscovered in adulthood that shit is just personified foreboding.
Take my life for instance. I am the son to a small town police chief and his prom queen high school sweetheart. They had problems conceiving, tried for eight fucking years to procreate, and were finally only able to do so thanks to the help of modern science. Yes, I was a test-tube baby.
Three embryos took, but early in the pregnancy my mom lost my other sister leaving only me and Rosalie, I wish it would have been Rose that jumped ship. Needless to say my mom freaked the fuck out, wouldn't let my dad touch her, she even made him move into the guest room, because she was scared shitless of losing us.
So okay, I thank her a shit ton for taking care of us, but kicking my pops out of his bed for seven months and then keeping him out even after we were born, I don't blame the guy for straying.
I don't know how my dad met Renee; maybe he picked her up at the playground or something, but needless to say while my mother was slaving over two newborn pain in the asses (I was a screamer, and from what I can tell Rose has always been a bitch), Charlie was knocking boots with Forks High's Homecoming Queen 1983.
Renee was pregnant by Thanksgiving of her senior year. Charlie was twenty-six; I still thank god everyday that the age of consent in Washington is 16.
Isabella Marie Swan, the daughter of a small town police chief and his high school aged mistress, was born on September 13, 1984, eleven months, one week, and two days after me and Rose.
My mother was a cornucopia of emotions according to the legends, and yes I use legend, there are 3,000 people that reside in Forks, and it's not every day that the Chief of police sleeps with a non-legal high school senior while his wife is at home taking care of his children, the Mrs. Stanley's of the world about had a stroke when everything came to light.
My mom kicked Charlie out just before my little sister was born, he didn't care. Behind my mother's back he had bought Renee and her unborn child the house across the street from us, so he moved in there. My mom divorced him and demanded full custody, Charlie and Renee got married at the courthouse the same day the divorce was finalized and where given joint custody. My mother went out and got a job on the other side of the nation, Charlie filed paperwork forbidding her to leave the state with his kids.
My mother tried everything to get away from the Big Love style scandal that was rocking our little town, but Charlie is stubborn like a motherfucker. So there we were, a great big dysfunctional family living on the same block, you would have sworn we were in Utah.
Believe it or not, the one that got super fucked in the situation was little Bella. Everyone bad mouthed her mother, sure Renee was a home wrecker and Charlie was a slut, but come the fuck on it's not like Bella had any part of it. Seriously, people, especially Rosalie, acted like Bells was the instigator in the whole fucked up Swan sexcapades.
And that's the root of my little sister's problems. She has always felt not quite good enough, and I think apart from her mother and our father I was the only other person through our childhood that told her otherwise. Bella broke my heart the day that she asked, "Jazzy, why doesn't Rose love me 'cause I love her?" She was six. Six fucking years old and could already tell that her own sister despised her existence.
From that day on I made it my own personal mission to be the only sibling Bella would ever need.
That only made Rosalie resent her more.
Middle school passed for Bella in constant torment, which completely tripled when her mom took off with some minor league baseball player. It's like the poor thing couldn't catch a break. As soon as people finally let her just be Bella, she once again became the center of more townie drama.
Thankfully, high school was a turning point for my little sis, she finally grew a backbone, now don't get me wrong I was fucking furious, out for blood, threatening bodily harm, the day Bella told me she was dating Emmett McCarty, otherwise known in the locker room as the 'pussy magnet'. I mean he actually referred to himself in the third person as the Pussy Magnet, but aside from the fact that Emmett was two years older than my fifteen year old sibling, or that he was undoubtedly going to take my little sister's virginity, fucking gross by the way, and that he was certifiably retarded, he actually turned out to be a great guy.
Anytime Rose started a rumor, Emmett squashed it before it got to Bella. Anytime Rose tired to embarrass her in public, Emmett would do something a million times more humiliating to himself to take the attention off Bells.
Emmett loved Bella, and that just pissed Rosalie off to no end. She couldn't see why anyone would choose her younger, "plain," bastard sister when they could have her, especially the man that earned my twin's unrequited love. That's right folks; my little sister was bumping uglies (again naaasty) with the one man Rosalie wanted.
My senior year was the year that Emmett went off to college, and I won't lie, I went to church the night before our first day of school and lit every fucking candle in that joint praying that Rosalie would just let Bells fly under her radar. My prayers were answered in the form of Edward Cullen and his little sister Alice. Edward was a senior like me and Rose, while Alice was a junior and instantly befriended Bella.
Rosalie stopped in her tracks the first time she saw Edward getting out of his Volvo. I swear to you on all the Mary Jane I have smoked over the years, the heavens opened up, there were floating baby cherubs and Tom Jones was singing, Emmett McCarty was forgotten.
I really wish Bells and I wouldn't have toked up before we went to school that day, because maybe I would have noticed that Edward's eyes locked on Bella like she was the only person in the entire world.
But no, not the case, Bella and I were stoned stupid, like we freaked out thinking we were speeding, but in all actuality we were inching our way at a whopping eighteen miles per hour.
That's the very same day I could have kissed Newton. He was talking to Edward as I walked past with my arm around B's shoulders when I heard him say, "Yeah, and those two are Rosalie's siblings Jasper and Bella. She's fucking hot, but if Em ever heard any of us say that shit out loud he'd fucking rip us apart and burn the pieces. The dude's fucking scary."
"Em?"
"Emmett McCarty, he graduated last year. He's been boning Bella since her freshman year. If you're stupid enough to get close to her you'll even notice that sweatshirt she has on reads 'Property of Emmett McCarty' if he could have tattooed her before he went to school, he would have." Now don't get me wrong, hearing someone talk about my baby sister and boning in the same sentence initiates my gag reflex, but at least it put Edward in his place early on.
Edward started dating Rose about the same time I started dating Alice so they were both invited to Charlie's Renee-free home for Christmas.
That's the day Edward met Emmett.
It was fucking fabulous.
Rose and I had spent the afternoon at the Cullen's house, while Charlie was down on the Res eating Christmas lunch with his girlfriend and her kids (thank Mary mother of Jesus he wasn't stupid enough to bring them around Rose), leaving Bella and Emmett alone.
When we got home, the four of us were met by Emmett's Detroit Lean as he brazenly came down the stairs wearing only mistletoe strategically placed over his junk.
Okay, I was uncomfortable, but mix the fact that I was stoned with the looks on the three other faces with me, I laughed like a God damned hyena.
True story, I had to hold my crouch to keep from pissing myself.
That bold fucker stuck his hand right out to Edward and said, "Emmett McCarty, I belong to the youngest Swan." Edward was freaked out but took his hand. "You must be Edward, Bella's told me about you. You're banging Rosie, right? Congrats, because if Rose's half as fun in the sack as B you're a very satisfied man, and if you're not, I'll kill you for even looking at my girl." With that he turned around and mooned us his entire trip right back up the stairs.
Fucking golden.
The next year Rose, Edward, and I joined Emmet at U-Dub.
The Christmas of B's senior year, Emmett asked Bella to marry him, she said no, and then shocked the fuck of us by going to school in Akron, Ohio to be closer to her mom. That minor league player she left Charlie for, yeah he got signed by the Cleveland Indians and makes an irresponsible amount of money.
Alice, ever the great best friend went with her, which of course, because I'm pussy whipped led me to the Rubber City.
Over the next few years Edward and Rose broke up. Emmett slept with Rose, then guiltily came knocking in Bella's door begging for forgiveness. I didn't see Em the whole time he was there so I guess she forgave him.
Bella finally met someone, I never really like James, but when he asked Bella to take the trip down the aisle and she actually said yes, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, especially when he convinced her to move back to Forks. I mean, fuck, Em, Ali and I had been trying for years to get her to move home, and really all it took was some guy with a record deal saying that he wants to live where she grew up.
Somewhere along the line, Emmett and Rose actually got together, fifty bucks says she has no idea he came to Ohio for what he called the B-Swan Special, and Alice and I got married in Vegas.
Edward came to visit us in Ohio on his way to New York, he said Akron smelled, and left a couple days early. Alice thinks he hated seeing Bella with the douche that eventually broke her heart.
God my life is a fucking soap opera, but as long as I have my bubbles I can ignore all that other shit.
I was ripped from my internal monologue by an incessant buzzing.
At first my drug induced stupor led me to believe that a bee was nearby, but as I swatted the air around my fogged up head I grinned to myself realizing that it was really the door.
Begrudgingly I stood, bong still in one hand, and the family jewels cupped in the other and strutted like a badass to meet my guest.
Opening the door without checking the peep-hole I squinted attempting to recognize the figure before me, "Edward?"
"Hey Jazz, I hate to barge in unannounced but… where the fuck are your pants?"
Shrugging and letting go of myself to scratch my stomach, because all five fingers must remain securely clamped to the paraphernalia, I replied, "I wasn't expecting company." I turned away leaving him in the door, "Make yourself at home, I'll go… whatever."
I heard the door close and thought about warning him that my naked ass just camped out on my couch for the last twelve hours, but thought it would be fucking hilarious if my wife's brother walked out of my apartment with my butt sweat on his clothes, so I kept my mouth shut.
When I emerged from what I like to call 'the sanctuary of sin' in a pair of jeans and a white tee I chuckled to myself to see Edward sitting in my warm spot.
Plopping down beside him, I reached for my trusty bubbles and asked, "So what brings you to the west coast brother?"
Nervously he answered with a question, "Can't a guy visit his sister and her husband?"
"Alright, that's a legit reason when you live across town, not across the country." I offered him my second love in life, assuming in true Ed Cullen fashion that he would turn it down. Imagine my fucking surprise when he hit that shit like a champ. Something was afoot.
He handed me back my black beauty and exhaled loudly and ran his hand through his hair. 'Yup, something shitty this way comes.'
"I don't know Jasper, I was in New York and everything was great… alright… it was average, and then I came home for that visit a few weeks ago, and it just made me realize everything I'm missing."
Great, I'm too blown for this.
Do I look like fucking Dr. Phil?
Instead of replying right away I consulted the bubbles for an appropriate response, "So…" Yeah that will work.
"So I packed up my life, quit my job, and moved home."
With a thirty second delay I processed his words, "Heavy."
He looked over at me in disbelief, "That's really all you have to say?"
I met his gaze, "Dude, your sister left this morning and I was lit before she was even down the street. So yeah, that's really all I have to say."
He eyed me, normally I would have made some homo laced burn, but I had to put on pants so any reserve energy I had was predestined for the trip to the kitchen to get the Cheetos.
"I thought Ali said you quit smoking."
"Yup." He raised that condescending eyebrow of his, tool. "If she asks, it's oregano."
He nodded and leaned back into the couch and thankfully focused on the TV.
After the third episode of Family Guy, that show is pure genius; Edward decided he wanted to shoot the shit some more. Fabulous.
"So how's your sister."
"Still a bitch."
"I-I was asking about Bella."
Now that caught my attention, but I feigned indifference, need to stay sly, "she's good."
He nodded again, his hair catching the light and glistening, 'focus Jasper.'
"That's good to hear."
"Yup," and cue the fucking crickets…chirp…chirp…chirp.
'Alright Cullen let's see where this was really headed', "She's been dating." I should probably feel bad about lying, but eh I really don't.
"What?!" Oh that seemed to do the trick.
Keeping my eyes glued on Stewie and Brian, because the baby and the dog make that show, I continued my fib fest. "Yeah, she's been seeing this guy Garrett, he seems alright, but I thought James was alright so what the fuck do I know." Now let's see what kind of reaction that gets shall we?
"Are you fucking kidding me? That ass hole dicked her over, and your fine with her moving on with yet another loser? What the hell kind of brother are you?" Edward had taken to pacing around my floor and yanking on his hair, he really needs to cut that shit out otherwise he'll go prematurely bald.
His movement caught my attention, "Dude I'm just fucking with you. Calm down, she's the same as the last time you were here."
"Oh." This man makes six figures why?
"Yeah, so sit back down you're killing my buzz."
"Right," he reclaimed his seat, sinking further into the couch. 'What's that smell Edward? Essence o' Jasper?'
"Essence o' what?" Shit, did I say that out loud? "Dude, what are you talking about?" Yes, I most definitely said that out loud.
I shot the Sherriff
But I did not shoot the deputy
And lookie there, saved by the Reggae, and oh, it's Bella. What a coincidence.
I shot the Sherriff
But I did not shoot the deputy
I whispered to Edward to be quiet and answered the phone on speaker. "Jasper's house of pornography and prostitution, this is Jasper speaking how may I direct your call?"
"Is that anyway to greet your sister?" Feisty.
Edward snorted and I shot him an evil glare and mouthed for him to shut the fuck up, but recovered quickly, "My real sister? Fuck no. My half-sister? Obviously."
Bella's reply was dripping with sarcasm, "Right, well this has been a good chat. I'll call you later."
Edward shot me a pleasing look, god that boy has it bad. "Whoa their chief, simmer down now, I was just playing, you know how I do. Let me rephrase," I cleared my throat to keep from laughing at Edward's desperation. "To what do I owe the pleasure my loving, caring sister?"
"I was just wondering what you were up to, seeing if you wanted to hang out or something."
I looked over at the clock, 'Damn 12:45 in the morning, well that's odd.' "You want to hang out? It's like almost one B, aren't you a pumpkin or something by now?"
"No, I'm not, but fuck you anyways. Do you want to come over or not, I don't have all night." Well that was a little harsh. I looked over at Edward, who seemed just as confused by her tone as I was. Bella never got shitty, I needed to quell this quick.
"Wow, and here all these years I was under the impression that you were the nice sister." Pause for witty comment , okay the snort will do, "Yeah, yeah I'm on my way. I'm just going to stop and pick up some brewskies on the way. Any preferences…Guinness, Bass, Honey Brown?"
When Bella said O'Doul's, an eerie feeling crept under my skin. Bella never turned down Booze. Jesus the girl's most asked question is "open bar?"
I asked her when she got on the wagon, but instead of answering she yelled at me and then hung up.
I looked at my phone in disbelief, "Well that was fucking weird."
Again Edward nodded. I swear how does that ass hole make more money than me?
I stood up shaking my head, really how does he make more money than me?
I slapped him on the shoulder, "Well it looks like I'm heading out. Mosey along Cullen my baby sister needs me."
He him-hawed while I gathered my coat, keys, and flops, "Are you sure you're okay to drive? You know you ah… seemed a little out of it, and I'm you know… concerned."
I rolled my eyes, "Get the fuck out of my house, I'm fine to drive. Your emo ass was a total Buzz Killington. Plus," I added with a wink, "I know the chief."
He laughed as we headed out to our cars. Figuring the guy is family I decided to throw him a bone, "Hey Edward," he looked at me over the roof of his car, "When I find out what's got her panties in a bunch, I'll let you know."
Again with the fucking nod, bullshit I claim bullshit.
We parted ways on Main Street, I went left and he went right.
After making a pit stop at the corner store I was knocking on the door of my baby sister's apartment, her unnecessary because her ex-fiancé bought her a perfectly good house on the other side of town that she refuses to live in, apartment.
When she whipped open the door, I stood there smiling, Bass in one hand, the ominous O'Doul's in the other.
She looked like shit.
Ominous indeed.