Content warning for language and spanking

Chapter 2

Starting the Healing

Disclaimer: While I am borrowing many of the characters created by J.K. Rowling, all rights to those characters remain solely with her. I am neither receiving nor soliciting any monetary recompense for this story.

From the previous chapter: Harry knocked on the hard wooden door. "Get in here Potter," Snape's muffled snarl came through the door.

Swallowing hard, Harry walked in, closing the door gently behind him.

Harry spotted a bucket of water and a stiff bristled brush in front of Snape's desk.

Looking back up at Snape, Harry had a feeling he knew what his detention was going to be.

"Start scrubbing Potter. This floor had better be so clean you could eat off of it."

Harry walked up and grabbed the bucket so forcefully that some of the water sloshed over the side, acting like a match and starting the slow burn of that fuse on his anger again. Taking a deep breath to try and contain the anger that was threatening to burst out, Harry carried the bucket to the back of the room where his cauldron still lay on the floor. Picking up the cauldron and putting it back on the desktop, Harry kneeled down on the hard stone floor and started scrubbing.

Three hours later and several snarling insults as to the quality of his scrubbing, Harry finished up the last corner. Dropping the brush into the bucket, Harry stood, groaning at his aching knees and back. Professor Snape had walked out a half hour ago, mumbling something Harry couldn't quite make out; Harry had assumed Snape was telling him to keep working and he would be back. Just as Harry was putting away the bucket, the door to Snape's office opened.

Snape peered into the lab and snorted. Looking at Harry he inadvertently set Harry off again with his words.

"Took you long enough Potter. I suppose the job was completed adequately, but really, such a simple chore and you still can't get it right."

Harry snapped.

"Fuck off," he yelled and almost without realizing, Harry pulled back his right hand and making a fist, brought it forward intent only on knocking Snape flat.

His instincts good, Snape dodged the blow, but Harry's fist connected with Severus' shoulder just enough that Severus was knocked off balance. As he stumbled, Harry turned and started towards the door.

Quickly regaining his balance by grabbing onto the nearest desk, Severus had his wand in his hand almost instantly as he threw a charm at the lab door, locking it securely just as Harry put his hand on the handle.

"Oh no you don't Potter, not after that little display," Severus snarled at him.

Not waiting for Harry to even try and walk back, Snape walked up to Harry and grabbed his arm, all but dragging him back to his office. Harry fought the entire way, kicking at Snape, trying to pry Snape's hand away from his wrist and using every swear word he could think of, his anger just boiling over. Severus was actually surprised at just how hard Harry was fighting. Anger was one thing but this was a bit much, even for Harry.

Severus winced at a particularly hard kick to his ankle. "Potter, kick me again and I'll lock you in the tower until the day you graduate, which if you keep up with this tantrum, won't be until you are 40!"

Maintaining his hold on Harry, Severus walked them through his office and into his private quarters. Releasing Harry's wrist, Severus locked the door. In almost the same instant, Harry picked up the nearest object, which happened to be a pitcher of water, and threw it at Severus. Having been surprised from the action, Severus managed to step sideways just in time to keep from getting hit in the head, but the pitcher caught his shoulder, showering him with the water. Snape was uninjured but, unfortunately for Harry, he was a lot angrier than he had been.

Harry had seemed surprise at his own actions and was standing there looking at his now incensed Professor, too shocked to actually move. He jumped when Snape crossed to him in three long strides and grabbed Harry's arm in one hand while grabbing an armless chair with the other. Plonking the chair in a clear area, Snape sat down and yanked Harry down hard over his lap. Suddenly realizing where this was leading, Harry started struggling, yelping when Severus inadvertently put too much pressure on his right arm trying to subdue him, wrenching Harry's shoulder.

Using his wand to bare Harry's bottom, Snape transfigured the quill sitting on the desk into a sturdy ruler. Accioing the ruler to him, Snape caught it deftly and in one smooth action, brought it down with a resounding 'CRACK' on Harry's bottom. Too angry to really feel the sting, Harry continued to struggle and curse.

Taking a couple of deep breaths to calm his own anger, Severus landed ten hard cracks before Harry finally stopped struggling, the sting and burning in his backside beginning to break through the anger. Sensing a slight change, Severus started to lecture Harry, interspersing his words with biting cracks of the ruler.

"You have been on thin ice all term Potter," Severs said sternly, bringing the ruler down again. "Your grades have been abominable, 'CRACK,' your attitude and temper is worse than it has ever been 'CRACK' and you have the unmitigated 'CRACK' gall 'CRACK' to actually 'CRACK' try 'CRACK' and 'CRACK' punch 'CRACK' me 'CRACK'! I would remind you 'CRACK' that physical violence 'CRACK' against a teacher 'CRACK' calls for automatic 'CRACK' expulsion! 'CRACK.'

Pausing a moment, Severus listened to Harry silently. Still not hearing what he wanted to hear, Severus went on. While the start of the punishment had been just that, Severus was now looking for the cause of the anger. Shifting Harry slightly forward, Severus cracked the ruler down swiftly, a half dozen times, on the area where Harry's bottom met his thighs. This action seemed to put a serious crack in the dam of Harry's emotions and he started crying. A few more cracks and Harry started sobbing and babbling. Severus was aware that Harry was saying something and he stopped for a moment in an effort to make out what Harry was saying.

"I'm s-sorry, I couldn't save them, I-I t-tried. I-I'm sorry. I-I w-wanted to save them, I-I tried so h-hard" Harry sobbed brokenly.

Severus drew in a startled breath.

Putting the ruler down, Severus re-dressed Harry and helped him to stand. Holding Harry by the upper arms, Severus meant to continue the lecture, but, when he looked into Harry's eyes, what he saw made his heart ache and the scalding words died in his throat. Harry was shaking with the force of his crying, his face soaked with the tears that were still falling freely. But his eyes, they showed, pain. Not pain from the spanking he had just received, this was a deeper pain, this was raw pain, this was pure emotion. Severus realized something at that moment, Harry was in agony. Severus' anger faded away as though it had never been as he released Harry's arms. Holding his arms opened slightly in silent invitation, he was still surprised when Harry all but fell into them, clinging to Severus and sobbing into his chest. Wrapping his arms around Harry, he held him tight, rubbing his back with one hand while the other gently held Harry's head to his chest.

Severus didn't speak, allowing Harry to cry freely for as long as he needed to. It took many long minutes and just when Severus was about to summon a calming draught, Harry's sobs eased back. Gently pushing Harry back a little, but still holding him, Severus looked into his eyes again. Harry was calmer though his eyes still held a hint of pain.

"Potter, Harry, what is it?" Severus asked.

Shaking his head Harry laid it back on Severus' chest, taking deep breaths of air to try and control his crying. Moving them both over to the couch, Severus eased them down, continuing to hold Harry and eventually, Harry fell asleep in Severus' arms, completely exhausted.

Wednesday

Harry awoke the next morning, yawning and stretching, then wincing at the sting across his bottom and the headache thrumming behind his gritty eyes. Wrinkling his brow in confusion, Harry was trying to figure out why his backside was stinging when suddenly it hit him and he groaned. 'Oh no' he thought to himself. 'I didn't just cry all over Snape.' Tossing the covers back, he looked over at the table sitting to his right and spotting his glasses, he slipped them on. He looked down and saw that he was wearing a set of green satin pajamas, 'typical Slytherin' Harry thought amused, realizing that Snape must have carried him in to the room after he had fallen asleep the night before.

Slipping out of the bed and putting his feet on the floor, Harry quickly stood as the sting in his bottom flared again. Rubbing his bottom gently, Harry made his way to the bathroom he could see from where he was standing. Once he came out of the bathroom, he looked around for his clothes. Grumbling slightly when he couldn't find them, he made his way out to the sitting room where he found Severus seated in an armchair, reading the Daily Prophet in front of a roaring fire wearing his dressing gown and slippers, a large mug of coffee at his elbow. Severus looked up as Harry hesitantly entered the room. Putting down the paper he was reading, he looked at Harry for a moment.

"Feeling better?" he asked him.

"Hm," Harry said vaguely, not sure what to say to the man who had spanked him and then held him until he had fallen asleep. To say Harry was feeling embarrassed was an understatement.

Severus was the first to break the ice.

"We are going to talk," he said firmly, "but I think you need breakfast and maybe some more sleep. You still look exhausted."

"I'm not tired, though I do have a headache, but, I think I'll be fine after a shower," Harry said.

Severus stood up and walked over to a cabinet. Opening it, he rummaged around for a second before bringing out a vial, which he handed to Harry.

"Hemlock?" Harry questioned.

"You aren't getting off that easy," Severus returned. "It's for your headache."

Harry uncorked the vial and tossed it back, grimacing at the taste.

"Go take a shower," Severus told Harry. "I'll have a house elf get some clothes for you; they'll be on the bed. Breakfast will be waiting once you are ready."

"I'm not hungry," Harry grumbled, as he turned back to the door leading to the bedroom he had just left.

"Never the less you will eat," Severus said firmly from behind him.

Harry came back into the sitting room 20 minutes later, wearing a loose fitting pair of jeans and the jumper Mrs Weasley had knitted him for Christmas last year. Severus was already at the table, having dressed himself, where a large platter of assorted breakfast items had appeared.

"Sit down and eat," Severus told him as he entered the room.

The shower had helped with the lingering ache on his backside but eyeing the hard chairs at the table, Harry was reluctant to accommodate Snape's request.

"I said I wasn't hungry."

"And I said you were going to eat regardless, now. sit. down." Severus enunciated, his voice growing stern.

Harry sat carefully in the chair directly across the table from Severus, wincing slightly. Not looking up at Snape, Harry took a small helping of eggs and sausage and somehow managed to clean his plate, even though Severus continued to watch him silently. His stomach rolling with nerves, Harry just wanted to get out of Snape's presence.

Harry stood up. "Thanks for breakfast, I'll just get going now."

"I don't think so," Severus interjected smoothly. "After last night's little display, I think you owe me an explanation for your behavior, not to mention an apology."

Harry flushed again as Snape's words brought back the memory of the punch and the pitcher. Harry knew he needed to apologize, but, he couldn't get the words out, so he remained silent.

"Nothing to say huh," Severus taunted. "You seemed pretty vocal last night. Be thankful that I am considering that spanking as payment for everything or you would have a mouth full of soap right now," he scolded. ."If you ever attack me, or any teacher for that matter, again, or talk to me the way you did last night, of age or not, I will make that spanking look like a massage. Do you hear me?" he finished sternly.

Going even redder, Harry muttered, "Yes sir."

Severus stood up and made his way over to his chair, gesturing for Harry to take a seat on the couch.

Harry still couldn't meet Snape's eyes so he contented himself with staring into the fire. Despite his earlier assertions, he wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep. His eyes were feeling heavy and a deep weariness was beginning to make itself felt.

"Potter, look at me," Severus said.

Harry reluctantly looked up.

"What is going on in that head of yours?" Severus asked.

Harry shrugged, he really didn't want to talk about this. "I don't want to talk about it OK?" he said a little belligerently. "It's no big deal."

"I disagree," Severus snapped. "You have been walking around all term a hair's breadth from verbally, if not physically, attacking anything or anyone who dares to say anything. You have all but alienated the people you have called friends for many years. You have been disrespectful and argumentative to me and the other staff members despite detentions, extra homework and loss of points; do I need to go on?" Severus finished. "I thought I told you to look at me" Severus said sternly, as Harry dropped his eyes to the floor again. When Harry looked up at him, Severus went on. "What you have to realize is that no matter what you are going through right now, you don't have to do it alone and you can't remain quiet. Whatever is happening is eating you alive and until you talk about it to someone, things aren't going to improve."

Harry bristled. "Why the hell should I talk when no one gives a damn what I am feeling or why. People don't seem to have a problem coming to me for help or to ask something of me, but they are suddenly busy elsewhere if I might need something in return," he blurted.

Severus thought he heard a clue in Harry's last sentence, but he wasn't entirely sure.

"Elaborate," Severus said.

Harry sighed as he leaned back on the couch.

"Nothing," he muttered.

"Harry, it is not 'nothing', not in what I think I am hearing and obviously not in your mind either. What happened to put you in this state?" Severus asked, his voice firm, but gentle.

Harry felt a lump in his throat and stared into the fire again. He really didn't want to talk about this but he also knew Snape wasn't going to let him go, at least not until Harry humiliated himself completely. He opened his mouth and then hesitated.

"Let me help you Harry," Severus coaxed gently.

"I," Harry stopped, closing his eyes. Severus waited patiently.

"I have felt angry all term and I don't know why. Voldermort is gone, everything is OK again, yet, I feel always on edge, just like I did two years ago when Voldemort was invading my dreams," Harry said quietly. "I was fine after that last night, when Voldemort was finally defeated, or as fine as anyone could be. We were all mourning people," Harry stopped for a moment, returning his gaze into the fire. He was speaking almost absently, as though detaching himself from what he was saying.

"In the weeks following, so many people were buried. Family members kept asking me to speak at their loved one's funerals; I went to as many of the funerals as I could, I owed that to them at least, but I couldn't get to all of them, there were just too many. Some were mad when I couldn't make it. All those faces of the people I failed to save," Harry whispered brokenly.

Severus sat stunned at Harry's last words, the words Harry had been whispering when he was over Severus' knees made sense now.

"Harry," Severus said gently. "There were bound to be losses. The battle that night was intense and the situation was dangerous. Everyone that fought that night knew the dangers and the possible consequences. They had a chance to make the decision not to fight, to stay safe somewhere else, but they made the decision to support what was happening. You were the prime instrument in the death of Voldemort and if anything, the wizarding world owes you a great debt." A thought struck Severus.

"When you went to those funerals, did anyone ever ask you how you were doing?"

Harry looked up. "Why would they?"

Severus groaned inwardly, now understanding.

"They thanked me for coming but otherwise stayed with their families."

Severus was angry again, not at Harry, but at all the unfeeling and selfish people Harry had dealt with over the course of a few weeks. They had obviously all wanted the prestige of having Harry present at the funeral, but couldn't take the time to make sure Harry was actually emotionally up to the task. No wonder he was lashing out.

"Harry, don't you understand? It was wrong of people to expect you to be there for them when they couldn't be bothered to make sure you were holding up. You weren't absent that last night, you were in the thick of things and probably saw more than anyone. You needed time to come to grips with everything you had gone through yet people were selfish and unfeeling in demanding your time and attention. You were upset and hurting at the time but eventually, over the course of passing time, your holding in that hurt to avoid possibly hurting anyone else's feelings by admitting you couldn't be there for them, turned into anger and that isn't unusual," Severus finished gently, standing up and moving over to the couch where Harry sat, his head in his hands and shoulders hunched.

Putting his hand under Harry's chin, he applied gentle pressure until Harry was looking up at him with eyes drowning in unshed tears. Even as Severus watched, the tears overflowed and ran silently down Harry's cheeks.

Sitting down next to Harry, Severus put his arm around Harry's shoulders; using his hand to gently pull Harry's head to his shoulder. The action was too much for Harry's fragile emotions, the sobs breaking out again as he hid his face in the white shirt Severus was wearing, finally letting go of the anger, and the pain.