Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns Twilight, but I am so willing to purchase a pair of Rob's panties if anyone has some for sale. Is that creepy?

Chapter 7

BPOV

I'll be the first to admit that my upbringing has left me a little rough around the edges. I'm not some sadistic succubus like some Swans I unfortunately share too much genetic material with, but when the occasion arises , I do tend to be a bit sarcastic, condescending even, and fuck it, I hate stupid people. Besides those three little tidbits, overall I'm good people, I just happen to have thicker skin than most.

Now, don't let this tough exterior and natural badassness fool you, I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else, with the exception of the radical religious groups that insist their females wear dresses; to which I pose the question… haven't ya'll thought about living in a warmer climate?

As I was saying before I got side tracked and started thinking about the Amish and what not, I'm normal. Sure, I like to keep my secrets, but who doesn't. Sure, I like a good lay, but seriously who doesn't. And who doesn't fear anything; because there are for sure three things that scare the fuck out of Isabella Marie Swan.

To clear the air right away, I want to clarify that I am not one of those wimpy chicks that white knuckle the 'oh shit' handle anytime the speedometer pegs above 70. I am certainly not like those sissy girls who faint and falter at the sight of blood, and I am most definitely not one of them pathetic bitches, who shut the fuck down at the prospect of being alone.

No, I like to stick rational fears. Like carnies and circus clowns, and motherfucking flying.

Over the years I have successfully avoided the first two by steering clear of street fairs and children's birthday parties, with the exception with a very unfortunate incident in third grade resulting in my last party invite until I was dating Emmett.

Flying is a whole other bag of potatoes.

Take for instance the mere fact that my mother and father live approximate 2,800 miles apart from one another. Driving, that's nearly four days in a car with my brother and his wife. I'd rather put a bullet in my right temple and hope for the best.

The only other option is taking to the friendly skies. Four and half hours in the air with my good friend the Captain and a side of Xanax is a far more logical route than riding cross-country in the Honda.

Usually my pirate-narcotic cocktail keeps me fairly mellow, but somewhere between getting a ballerina flat tossed at my head and boarding at Sea-Tac Airport, I failed to remember that when you're pregnant, people tend to believe that illegal prescription drugs and hard liquor can be damaging to the fetus.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

So thanks to a delightful combination of nerves and what I like to call "constant sickness", I found myself cramped in the confinements of the plane's water closet, heaving gloriously into the waterless toilet while Alice rubbed my back sweetly and spoke of the beauty of pregnancy.

It was becoming quickly obvious that Alice had a death wish.

When I was finally purged of anything I might have consumed since infancy, I was able extricate myself from my own personal vommitorium and attempt to find rest in the comforts of my first class accommodations. It was short lived.

Somewhere above Utah the plane hit turbulence and I decided that a mild panic attack was a great way to handle the situation. I'm nearly positive I was the picture example of a flight attendants' worst nightmare. My skin carried a grey tinge, I was sweating profusely, white knuckling the arm rests on either side of me, and topped it off with a various array of expletives.

Alice, in her infinite wisdom, decided that a distraction was in order. Thus began to belt out the Lyrics to Jack and Diane. Did I mention with the time change it was approximately four in the morning?

All-in-all, the singing worked flawlessly. By the end of the song, my panic attack had subsided, Ali and I were brutally butchering John Cougar Melloncamp's most recognizable jam, and I'm fairly certain the two of us will never be welcome to ride with Continental Airlines until were in our sixties, but whatever… add it to this list right under Delta.

As we taxied into the airport the passengers around me applauded their safe arrival in Cleveland, obviously they've never been here otherwise there would have been some swearing and maybe a riveting bout of gratuitous violence, but definitely not cheers.

That's one of the things that really freaks me out about flying, you voluntarily place you life into the hands of someone else, and they make you pay for it no less, and then you applaud when you touch down at your destination, like after the fact it's going to kill you less. No, the way I see it, when people board the plane they should be hooting and hollering and getting the energy flowing like at a sporting event, keep the vibes in the cabin positive and what not. That way you're getting your money's worth.

But I could be wrong.

"Thank you for flying with Continental Airlines. On behalf of the crew I'd like to welcome you to Cleveland, Ohio. The time is 7:58 am eastern standard and the temperature is currently 66 degrees and climbing. Enjoy your stay." 'Not fucking likely.'

Against my firm, like threatened bodily harm, wishes, my mother was bouncing impatiently just inside the "pickup" area of the airport.

I slowed my pace when I noticed her crazed neck straining, she kind of reminded me of a prairie dog the way she constantly shifted her head, eyes darting all around her. Alice, well I'm going to assume it was Alice; her luggage formed a fort of Coach Labels around where I had expected her to be, came up along my left side. Chuckling silently I thought 'Feet beware, midget handling heavy machinery with obstructed vision!'

Obviously flying makes me delirious and here I always thought it was the inebriation.

Eventually black hair emerged from the depths of the sea of tan and pink.

Leaning towards me, Alice whispered while deadly navigating her luggage cart o' doom. "I thought you told them not to be here."

I looked at her disbelievingly over my sunglasses, "You're really surprised she didn't listen?"

She shook her head, her hair so deliberately styled with "product" that it remained perfectly stationary.

I nodded in agreement, pushing my glasses up higher on my nose, and plastered my best ass-kissing grin across my face and mumbled, "The lion's den awaits my friend."

Dropping her voice an octave or two lower than usual Alice added, "Let's do this."

Taking pity on the other jet-lagged souls who unfortunately found themselves in my sister-in-law's proximity, I wheeled my lone lime green suitcase behind me while I placed a firm hand upon Alice's wobbling luggage and strong armed her around small children and elderly bystanders.

Think of it as my good deed for the day.

Above the normal morning hustle and bustle I heard a screeching "BABY!" We'd been spotted.

In an instant Renee was weaving her way through a sea of people dragging my step-father behind her, quickly closing the distance between us as I prepared myself for impact.

'Deep breaths Bella, you can do this.'

With as much enthusiasm as I could feebly muster at eight in the morning following four anxiety filled hours at thirty thousand feet, I let go of my suitcase handle and opened my arms and called out, "Mom, I told you not to worry about picking us up. I miss you and all that, but I didn't even tell you what time we were coming in. How did you know?"

Wrapping me in her octopus arms my mother chided, "Is that any way to treat your mother after being separated for nearly six months? Acting like you're not important enough to be personally picked up at the airport." She released me and held my shoulders at arms' length. "Are you getting enough sleep Bella? Those bags under your eyes are a bit too purple for comfort. I'll have to check but I think I have a recipe for a salve that will clear that right up."

The words "recipe" and "salve" neither surprised nor comforted me coming from my mother's mouth. Always one for the more "natural" remedies, in recent years Renee had begun to experiment with herbs and extracts forming concoctions for all that ails ya. I really thought by know she would have been traveling the Midwest in a gypsy style wagon pulled by a mule and suckering hypochondriac low-income households out of their hard earned wages.

I shrugged out of her grasp, "I'm good on that mom, just need to get some sleep. Planes and I don't really have a copacetic relationship."

Beside me I heard Alice mumble "Don't I know it," under her breath, effectively reminding Renee of her presence.

Shoving me out of the way, Renee opened her arms to Alice. "There's my lovely daughter-in-law. Alice, I swear you're more gorgeous every time I see you. My son is a very lucky man."

Alice eagerly reciprocated my mother's embrace, informing her that Jasper caught her when she was young and naïve, and now she's too invested in the whole endeavor to leave his ass.

Renee ate that shit up like it came complete with whipped cream and a motherfucking cherry.

From behind my mother, Phil cleared his throat, tipping his head toward the camera's that were wildly taking photographic evidence of our reunion. That was probably the biggest thing I hated about Ohio. In Forks, I was just the daughter of the police chief, conception drama aside, but here, where my step-father was the most sought after designated hitter in the league, well we were the fucking Kardashians of Cleveland.

My engagement to an up and coming local musician with a record deal made front page of the Plain Dealer; as well as my ass being dumped by said musician. Super.

With a hesitant voice Phil said, "I think we should save the catching up for when were not so…uh crowded."

I nodded with a smile, thankful that someone had sense enough to get us the hell out the pending cluster fuck.

In the matter of minutes, Phil had taken over control of Alice's luggage death wagon and was traversing his way toward the exit while strangers with Nikons cried out questions to Alice and me.

Those fuckers where nice when they shot at Alice, keeping shit all work related.

"Alice, what do you have planned for your new spring line? Are you going to have a showcase at the Civic like last year? Do you and Jasper have any plans on moving back home?"

She was always better at dealing with the questions I was. "My spring line is coming along nicely, which everyone will be able to see when I hold my annual show at the Civic, but in regards to my residency, my husband and I are very content in Washington."

"Bella! Over here Bella!"

I tensed up as my name came falling from their snoopy little lips. "Be nice." Alice warned.

Easy for her to say, no one ever fucking asked me if I was moving back.

'Make it to the car Swan without making a scene. You can see the Navigator. Keep your eyes on the prize and head for freedom.'

"Excuse me, Miss Swan how do you feel about the recent developments revolving around James' involvement with model Victoria Price? Does it bother you that he was able to move on so swiftly after your failed engagement? Have you moved on as well?"

Gritting my teeth I smile tightly as I ducked my head and ignored their personal questions. This was why I didn't want my mother showing up. Typically we can fly undetected unless Renee and Phil show up and someone tips off the leaches, 'Fucking douche bags.'

Trying to keep an even demeanor, a task not taken lightly on the lack of sleep and the amount of stress I was under, I gave a slight upward turn of my lips, "I wish James the best."

'Twist that shit camera queer.'

Using his massive size and Alice's ungodly cart to his advantage, Phil was able to build a barrier between us and the cameras as we loaded everything up into his Lincoln Navigator before securing ourselves inside the SUV with timid waves and smiles.

"Fucking vultures couldn't even wait until I was out of my freaking track suit." Cheerful Alice huffed with arms crossed over her chest and a sneer on her face.

Renee twisted in the passenger seat to make eye contact with my best friend. "Oh sweetheart you look absolutely breathtaking as usual. You know I've always thought pink was a great color for you." Renee winked and Alice relaxed straightening her jacket.

I snorted at Alice's compliment fishing as I looked out my window. "Darling you should really think about doing something for your throat." I turned my head slightly and looked at my mother over my sunglasses in disbelief. "Don't give me that look Isabella Marie, you can't honestly believe that sound is attractive."

I pursed my lips in all seriousness then stoically deadpanned, "You're entirely right mother. Whatever was I thinking not trying to impress my step-father and my brother's wife? Please Lord" I started turning my eyes toward the roof of the car and clasped my hands at my chest, "don't let my unladylike attributes prevent me from remaining appealing to the male sex. You know how much I love the cock"

My mother gasped, "Bella!" Just as Alice coughed out, "going to hell."

"What?" I asked with feigned innocence looking from face to face, and then behind me for good measure. "What did I say?"

My mother opened her mouth, most likely to tell me "not to take the Lord's name in vane", because let's face it, moms had no problem with the word "cock", but Phil stepped in like a valiant knight on his metaphorical white steed and muttered "I love this song," and turned the radio up to deafening levels effectively ending all conversation as his shoulders shook with silent laughter.

Yeah, he thought that shit was just as funny as I did.

***

"Are you saying that I'm going to have a little grandbaby running around, that I can spoil?" The glee radiating from my mother as she bounced excited in her seat was making really uncomfortable.

"Yes?" I'm sure I looked like one of those actors on the constipation commercials at that moment, but Renee was really freaking me out.

I was able to avoid her for most of the day, stating that the late hour traveling had wiped me out. In all honesty I hadn't really slept much since Friday. Alice and Jasper had insisted that I stay with them, and their house doesn't have the thickest of walls. One can only hear "Jasper, come on cowboy, harder!" so many times before you must concede to the idea that your brother has a penis. The whole stay was very disheartening.

Ignorance is bliss. Trust me.

By the time dinner rolled around I was no longer able to hide away in the first floor spare bedroom, I strategically picked that shit, and made exit to join my family for whatever in God's creation Renee dubbed as food.

For the most part conversation flowed nicely. No one made outlandish comments or spoke of politically incorrect ideals, in fact the whole exchange was quite vanilla and honestly after the last few days I had, those bitches weren't fooling anyone.

I was twitchy like a heroin addict as I quietly ate my dessert. I was never really one for pudding, but after a suspiciously themed dinner of veal, steamed baby carrots, and those weird mini corn on the cobs, also happily named "baby", I couldn't hold it in anymore.

I shoved a spoonful of whipped chocolate fluff in my mouth, dropped my spoon, and declared, "I'm pregnant," though it sounded more like "Aw prere."

To which Renee beamed, "Darling you didn't tell me you took up French?"

I swallowed loudly, and ran my tongue around the inside of my mouth, poorly attempting to de-stickiafy my palate, while Alice mercifully put down her own spoon and clarified, "Actually Renee, what Bells was trying to say was that she's pregnant. You just couldn't tell because her mouth was full."

I shot Alice a glare, but quickly contorted my features into something that I can only hope displayed sheepish remorse, leading us up to Renee bouncing in her seat, while I sat bewildered.

"That's just so exciting Bella! Did you hear that Phil? We're going to have a grandbaby!"

My step-father nodded nonchalantly, "Congrats B."

"Thank You?"

He wrapped is arm around my mother's shoulders, giving her a little squeeze. Something was terribly wrong. "Mom, are you okay? You're not going into shock are you?"

She flashed a peaceful smile, tilting her head to the side. "Of course I'm fine sweetheart." Her reaction placed my already deteriorating emotions on the end of a very delicate string.

"You're not pissed?" 'What is she playing at?' I silently wondered as my sting grew more taught.

"Why would I be upset?" 'She actually sounds confused.'

I narrowed my eyes, "Who the fuck are you?"

"Pardon?" 'Did she sound insulted?' My string began to fray.

"You," I said rising to my feet. "Who are you, and what have you done with the woman who told me that under no circumstances should anyone have children before they're thirty?"

"Darling," she started with a dismissive wave, I took a tentative step in her direction. "Those were just ideals that I tried to instill in you and your siblings to prevent unwanted teen pregnancy. This is a blessing."

I took another step closer, my voice coming out no louder than a whisper, "A blessing?"

"Why yes, a blessing. Aren't you happy?"

I stepped within inches of her and flatly replied, "Thrilled." My sting was pleadingly hanging on by one measly thread, completely dependent on her next few words.

She laughed lightly, "See, everything's perfect. Who's the lucky father?"

I snapped.

Before anyone could react, I had her by the upper arms, shaking vigorously. "Where is she Phil?!"

"Where's who?!" He asked in mild panic.

Still shaking the Renee look alike, her head bobbling around like hips of a Hawaiian chick on the dashboard of an El Camino, I cried out, "My mother! Who do you think you're fooling with this Robot look alike? I'll give you thirty seconds to give up her location, and I'll let you keep Mrs. Robotson over here for shits and giggles!"

Phil came up behind me, pulling me from Renee, while Alice jumped in between me and the impostor.

"Bella…" Alice cooed, "Your mother's happy for you. There's no need to get worked up. Understand?" She asked with a nod.

"But"

"No," she put her hand up to shush me. "We're just going to go outside and calm down. Everything's fine. I think you're just a little confused because of the jetlag."

"Jetlag," I repeated with heavy breaths, "right." I shook my head, trying to clear out the crazy, not that it was actually going to work, and headed for the door with Alice hot on my tail.

The moment the patio doors closed behind us I walked out to the deck railing and rounded on Alice. "Did something in there seem weird to you"

Lowering herself into the glider, Alice began to swing back and forth, "Uh… no they seemed to take news really well."

Tossing my hands in the air I explained. "That's what I'm talking about. I don't know who that woman in there was, but that sure as fuck wasn't my mother."

Alice took a moment to look at the night sky, the stars easily seen without the cloud cover we were accustomed to. Speaking toward the sky she reasoned. "I feel as though I fail to see what about the situation has your panties all riled up."

Exasperated and slightly panicked I began to lose my shit. "That," I pointed toward the house, "was most certainly not the Renee I know." I moved closer to where Alice was star gazing, and pointed at her chest. "Promise me, right the fuck now; if she offers you Kool-Aid that you will not drink it."

Alice dropped her head to eye level and then cocked it to the side, her eyes narrowing in contemplation. "B, were you dropped on your head as a child?"

"PROMISE ME!"

Leaning away from me she answered, "Alright, I promise. Jesus Bella, don't be so paranoid."

"No." I countered with a small shake of my head. "This" I pointed at myself, "is not being paranoid Ali. Paranoid is walking around in public with a tinfoil hat, or living on fifty acres in the middle BFE surrounded by shotguns and animal pelts. No. I'm being goddamned logical right now."

My sister-in-law let out a dramatic sigh as she pulled her legs up underneath her body and leaned toward the armrest of the glider. "I think you're making this out to be way more than it actually is."

"I think you need to shut the hell up." I snapped in return as I began to pace. "No, somehow she caught wind of situation ugly duckling. There's a rat amongst us Alice."

"You're really starting to sound crazy right now. You know that right?"

"I am not sounding crazy, someone told her. There's absolutely no way she would have taken the news smiling if she didn't already know. I only told two people that she could find out from and other then that bumfuckery that happened at the coffee shop you haven't been away from me longer then to take a piss and I know damn well that once that woman starts talking you're lucky to get her off the phone in forty minutes. Which means Jasper doesn't know how to keep his fucking mouth shut."

"Seriously B, you sound like a lunatic. I'm about one conspiracy theory away from having you committed. My Jazz wouldn't have said anything."

"That's where you're fucking mistaken. I am one hundred and ten percent positive that blond douche bag gave it up like a freshman on prom night."

"Alright Bella, say you're right, not that I think for one second that you are, but let's just go with it for a minute, do you think that it's so bad she had a heads up?"

"No, not entirely," I said dropping down beside her in defeat, "but he should have at least warned me or some shit. I mean did you fail to notice that I shook the woman and accused her husband of replacing her with a robotic Stepford wife."

She scrunched up her face, embarrassed for me, "Yeah, that was a little odd, and maybe not the most tactful."

"That bad huh?"

Alice nodded slightly, sympathetic to my situation, "It kind of reminded me of that time we watched midget porn. You wanted to look away out of humiliation, but the mechanics of the whole encounter kept me intrigued."

I replayed the events in my head then I shrugged, "Eh… I'll apologize in the morning and blame on the pregnancy hormones or some shit."

She smirked as she stood up and adjusted her pants, "What's your excuse for the last twenty-five years?"

"Genetics."

"Ah…" she said with a nod, just as her phone began to ring, "it all makes sense now."

Kicked my foot out, connecting with her crazily tone rear-end, maybe that yoga shit really works, "Answer your phone and tell my brother I'll be watching."

Flipping her phone open with her right hand and flipping me the bird with her left she entered the house, cooing into the phone, as I gagged at the blatant display of affection. They're the only fuckers I know that can disgust me with PDA and be in separate states.

It was quiet once I was alone, leaving me to my thoughts, my severely dangerous self-degrading thoughts. In a moment of weakness I looked to the sky, catching a glimpse of the diamonds that sparkled against the black velvet sky. Focusing on one particularly bright star I silently wished as a new forth fear emerged from deep within.

'Starlight, star bright, the first star I see tonight I wish I may I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight. I wish to be a good mother, and I'm really hoping that I can do that without having to drive a minivan or attend my kid's chess matches. Oh and I so don't want to be a member of the PTA or the PTO or whatever those unemployed Betty Crocker cookbook crazies join to make themselves feel like a better parent.'

Rubbing my stomach I kept my focus, and just like that the star blinked. I took a brief second to glance over my shoulder to make sure I was a lone and then fished my glasses out of my hoodie pocket. I slid my lab-created specks onto my face and then squinted in the direction of my blinking star, only to realize that it was moving. I couldn't help the curse that broke the calm night, "Motherfucker that's a plane." I shifted my eyes to the next closest light and then said out loud, "Yeah, alright you know what I want. Make that shit happen."

"You should be in bed." In complete spaztastic form I jumped in my seat at the unexpected voice of my stepfather, whipping my head around to notice him leaning casually against the open door jam.

Shrugging as he pushed himself away from the door I explained. "Eh, I'm keeping an eye out for body snatching robots. You know you can never be too safe when you live in the 'burbs. "

Casually Phil claimed the seat beside me on the glider, his legs extended out in front of him as he lazily moved the bench back and forth. Chuckling, he questioned "Any sightings?"

"You mean other than the nonsense that occurred within the safety of your own home?" He nodded. "Nope, not so much, but have no fear. I'm going to form a parameter using twine and empty soup cans. You know me and peeps can rock us some backwoods security."

Phil laughed gutturally and bumped his five million dollar shoulder against mine. "I've missed you kid."

"You know, you only eleven years older than me, I don't think you have the right to call me kid."

"Yeah and you're making me a grandpa in the prime of my Major League Baseball career, so I think we're even."

"Touché."

Phil, unlike big papa C, was a joker, a witty man if the occurrence happened to present itself. He and I are similar in that way. When everything is all sunshine and fucking rainbows having someone who understands your just-so-rancid brand of humor is pretty rockin', but having someone notice that you're covering up the fact that you're scared shitless by filling the void in conversation with unnecessary snarky comments is not so rockin'.

"So," Phil started, "one to ten it for me. How are you handling everything?"

"One to ten, as in… one being borderline suicidal and uh… say ten being ready to turn in my car, jeans, and Chucks for a minivan, dress and kitten heals while I bake fucking apple pie and host playgroup?"

"Sure."

I scrunched up my face, wiggling my nose back and forth all Bewitched style, because I can almost do that shit, and contemplated, "About a 5.2."

He looked over his left shoulder at me "Seriously?"

I shrugged, "Yeah, okay. You caught me. Flip that number around and that's about where I am."

Phil awkwardly reached around me with his arm and gave me a hug. "Don't worry; the next nine months are going to fly by."

I laughed, throwing my head back. "It's not the pregnancy I'm worried about, even though that shit's going to suck. I mean seriously you have no idea the list of stuff I have to give up, it's freaking ridiculous. I mean I can see their point on the alcohol, nicotine, and chronic, but fucking caffeine? They have got to be shitting me." I shook my head in disgust. "No, that I can handle. It's pretty much the eighteen years following that I'm going to fuck up royally."

He gave me a little squeeze. "Ah come on B, being a parent isn't that hard."

"So says the man who didn't have to deal with his stepchildren until they were in college."

He looked at me with feigned offence. "Hey now, at least you get the years when you can tell the kid what to think. I had to deal with full blown adults, not the ideal situation for a man in his late twenties."

I shoved him playfully. "Oh, heaven forbid."

"Oh don't you even," he started retracting his arm. "Between your ability to get picked up every other weekend by the Akron Police Department, Jasper's inability to keep a job through college, and Rose just being Rose, I think I've earned every right to complain about being a parent."

"What the fuck old man? I thought you were trying to convince me that being a parent is easy."

He let out a loud guffaw, "Guess I'm full of shit huh?"

I turned slightly and slapped him between the shoulder blades. "Thanks for the pep-talk coach. I'll keep this moment fresh in my mind the next I think about having unprotected sex."

He grimaced slightly, "I knew we shouldn't have left the sex talk shit up to Charlie."

"Oh and you would have been so much better?"

"HELL NO, but at least I have the money to pay a professional. You know someone that would have used interpretive dance or finger puppets."

Wiggling my fingers in his face I asked flatly, "Really, interpretive dance or figure puppets; and where would one locate just such a specialist?"

Leaning away from me he snapped. "I don't know… the Y?"

"Ah yes," I answered with a nod, "because the Young Men's Christian Association is all about the pre-marital sex."

"This," he waved his hand between us, "is one of the moments where being a parent sucks balls."

I arched an eyebrow at him. "And you know all about sucking balls? Does my mom know about this?"

With lightning McQueen Speed, because everyone loves a good Disney reference, my stepfather whipped his arm around me and secured me in a headlock. While grumbling out "I hate you," and attacked my sensitive scalp with his knuckles.

"No one likes a liar Phil," I coughed out between giggles and trying to throw some 'bows.

"Humph" he grunted out when my elbow made contact with his gut. "That maybe the case," he paused to release me, "but do you like your car B? You know I bought it… I can take it away."

"Smoke a peyote peace pipe Tanto, and chillax a minute." I smiled sweetly while trying to tame the beast that doubles as my hair. God between Edward's Ginger's Gone Wild Spring Break coif and my competition worthy Chewbacca do, our kid is screwed. "There's no reason to get drastic and bring Claude into this. I just thought I'd bring some humor in to bounce up this party, but apparently my stand-up's a little sketchy."

He narrowed his eyes. "It could use some refining."

Holding out my arm as though I was going to check the time, I squinted at my tattooed wrist and said "Can you believe it, I'm a Virgo; looks like it's past my bedtime."

I stood up and dusted off my jeans, looking over at Phil still reclined on the glider, I asked, "You coming slugger?"

He scoffed. "Designated hitter," he corrected and I rolled my eyes as he tipped his head back and focused on the sky. "Not quite yet," he leaned up slightly and winked at me, "I think there's a plane up there I should make a wish to."

'Keep laughing asshole, I was born with the crazy... You joined it voluntarily.'

***

I made sure Phil and the Cougar were gone for the morning before I emerged from my room. No need for unnecessary interaction, I'm a minimalist like that. I slowly slid my way down the stairs, avoiding all possible catastrophes. Sure I was excited about being back in the Mistake on the Lake, and was looking forward to seeing old friends, but spending the morning becoming reacquainted with the Cleveland Clinic's emergency room didn't sound like a rousing way to spend my time. Actually it was up there with paint your own pottery and swimming in the Cuyahoga River…when it was burning.

Against my basic instincts I managed to hold back my disgust as I mixed myself I meager mug of instant decaf coffee. How this stuff is considered better for the passenger riding around in my uterus is beyond me. Did you know that they remove the caffeine by cycling the grounds through a chemical compound that contains kerosene? Fucking KEROSENE! When I was a kid, there was a big scandal involving some old wanker living just outside of Forks who would place bowls of the shit outside every night to poison the wolves that lived in the woods, because and I quote "the howling made his eye twitch."

Good to know that poison is better than basic cup of Maxwell House.

I was smiling into my cup at the irony of my coffee dilemma, just another perfect example to prove that God really does hate me, when like a bolt of lightning I was struck by an epiphany. I began to rummage with my right hand through Renee's cabinets, my left hand was securely adhered me my coffee mug, until I found what I was looking for. The Kool-Aid.

Snatching up all the packets I could find, I tossed that shit right into the trash. After my conversation with Alice the night before, I decided that one could never be too cautious.

A squeal for the other side of the house reminded me that I wasn't alone. With a heavy sigh and my second cup of instant sludge I trudged my way towards the family room.

There perched on the edge of her seat, wringing her hands, bouncing her left leg, and muttering at the screen in front of her was Alice, so deeply intrigued with her television show that she didn't notice that I joined her until I plopped down beside her and groaned.

"You are not seriously watching Boobarella."

Keeping her sights firmly set in the direction of the television, Alice waved me away. "Shh, don't interrupt…. I love the Ghost Whisperer."

"So does Jasper, but I think it has to deal entirely with that chick's knockers and not the story lines, I mean check those out. Can the camera be anymore centered on the ungodly amount of THO Love-Hewett is sporting?"

She huffed as a Mr. Clean commercial commandeered the screen. "You're just a hater. You know that I have psychic abilities. I can completely relate to what the main character is going through."

I rolled my eyes. "Just because you accurately picked the winner of the Super Bowl…one time, uh does not make you psychic."

With a flick of her wrist, she angrily flourished her forefinger in my face. "May I remind you that throughout high school I know well in advance what was going to be served for lunch?"

With a straight face I answered flatly, "We all did… they posted that shit online."

With narrowed eyes she responded. "Fuck you."

"Sorry," I said with a little shrug and a wink, "one Cullen between my thighs is enough for me thanks."

Alice shuddered, "I still can't believe you fucked Rose's sloppy seconds. I never thought I'd see the day."

Defensively I retorted, "She fucked my seconds' way before this."

"Are we really going to argue about this?"

"I was just stating the facts."

Turning her attention to her ridiculous television addiction she added, "Doesn't make you screwing my brother any less the truth."

"Fuck you," I replied shoving her with my shoulder.

"Sorry," she began with a shrug, looking at me in her peripheral vision, "one Swan between my thighs is enough for me thanks."

I smiled that she was able to turn my line right around on me and added, "Ain't that the fucking truth."

The morning merged lazily into afternoon, only interrupted by a sudden craving of strawberry ice cream and Alice's Adam Brody fix, because he's, and I quote, "The Jewish equivalent to Jasper".

To subdue both, Alice and I raided the Dwyer's freezer for frozen perfection and embarked on the mindless task of watching In the Land of Women.

We talked mildly; thankfully avoiding all things embryo, until Alice openly pondered what it would be like to have sex with a circumcised bloke, causing me to dry heave all the way to the bathroom, and then revoke her speaking rights.

Around three o'clock Renee came home baring mystical Target bags of "create a mom".

"What's all this for?" I asked warily as I hesitantly pulled items one by one.

Handing me What to Expect When You're Expecting, she answered, "This is what mother's are supposed to do for their pregnant daughters."

Raising an eyebrow I asked, "Buy them shit?"

"No, no, no," she replied dumping the contents of a bag on the floor, "Give them knowledge."

Thumbing through the book I thought out loud. "Hmm… and here I thought you were doing that by telling me not to sleep with a married man."

Renee chose to ignore my words, instead handing me the Holy Grail of pregnancy products, suckers that reduce morning sickness. Whoever thought of combining candy and whatever magical component that prevented nausea deserves a fucking Noble Prize.

I eyed my multi-flavored abdominal reprieve while Alice asked, "Did anyone see you buying this stuff Renee?"

"No," she shook her head, "I don't think so. I made sure to go fairly early in the morning, and went to a store that I normally don't shop at. Why?"

I was still hypnotized as their exchange continued, "Well um… it's no secret that you're a little out of the baby making range, and Bella really hasn't told anyone other than us, Jazz and the father. I'm pretty sure in a gossip rag is not how Charlie wants to find out his little girl is… well… you know."

The words "gossip rag" snapped me from my stupor as I popped a cherry flavored godsend into my mouth.

"You haven't told Charlie?"

I whipped my head in Renee's direction, mumbling "no" around my sucker.

My mother tried to look thoughtful and maybe even a little bit shocked, but when I locked eyes with Alice, I could tell even she was skeptical. Renee was not an actress.

Breaking eye contact with me and my sister-in-law, moms dropped her gaze back to the bags around us on the floor, pulling out a bottle of Cocoa butter and handing it to me, "to reduce stretch marks," she explained. I took the bottle from her as she tried to avoid the awkward silence she'd created. "So the father knows. Is he good man? Do I know him?"

You know those brief moments in life, where you thank your brain for actually functioning properly. This was not one of those moments.

I swayed from left to right in contemplation, "I guess so. I really don't know him."

'Did that sound as bad as I think it did?'

Alice forcefully rubbed her forehead at my admission, shaking her head and lowly grumbling, "Way to sound like whore."

'Why yes! Yes it did.'

"You don't really know him?" My mother's voice raised numerous octaves as she slowly annunciated each word. "And tell me Isabella, if you didn't know him… why would you sleep with him?"

'Come on brain, help a sister out.'

"I was drunk."

'That was not what I had in mind.'

Alice looked up at me in utter disbelief, the hand previously stationed at her forehead outstretched in my direction. "You have got to be fucking kidding me."

'My thought exactly.'

My mother, not to be deterred asked "And that makes it all the better?"

'LIE! Motherfucking lie!'

"I'm not really sure," I started, my thumbs twiddling in my lap. "I don't remember a lot of what happened." With a shrug I added, "I might have blacked out."

The whole exchange happened like an out of body experience. I watched horrified at the edge of my seat as the events unfolded, wondering when I decided honesty was the best policy. Somewhere my lines of communication between my mouth and my brain became terrifyingly crossed resulting in the TRUTH. I didn't recognize myself, and frankly I didn't like who I was becoming. The truth… pshh… I can't handle the truth.

Pushing herself up from her seat Alice left the room stating, "I need a drink."

"Make it two, darling," Renee called without breaking eye contact with me. Seconds, minutes, my whole fucking pregnancy past by me while Renee stared me down. "Well I'm afraid to ask who it is." She finally stated decidedly.

"My brother," Alice chimed in handing my mother an amber liquid on ice.

"Your brother?"

"Yep," Alice stated popped the "p" and then taking a deep slug of her drunk, grimacing as it burned going down her throat. 'Armature.'

My mother furrowed her brow, anger flashing behind her eyes, then recognition. "Edwin, the red haired, moody boy that courted Rosalie in high school?" 'Courted, who the fuck did she think she is Angela Lansbury?'

"Yeah," I was shocked when I realized that the word leaving my mouth was what I actually intended to say, "But his name is Edward."

"Edward," she repeated slowly, as you can tell Jasper and I come by our dumbfuckery honestly enough. "He's friends with my Jazzband?"

Alice and I nodded as the color drained from my mother's face.

"Interesting," Renee mumbled to no one in particular just as her phone started to ring. She momentarily looked at the caller ID and then excused herself, stating that needed to "Take it".

Once my mother was clear of ear shot I looked over at Alice, who was staring intently into her glass as she twirled her ice. "I told you we have a rat."

***

Thank you so much for your patience… I know I need to try to work out a schedule of some sort, but I'm not one to really work that way.

While Ya'll wait for my next posting, which will be the second half of the Cleveland trip, and yes we will be leaving her parents' house, I recommend some great stories you should read if you already aren't.

The Rain Season, by elusivetwilight: Tattooed Edward and lots of sex… need I say more?

Laid Bare, by Brits23: Descriptive story with cannon pairings and dark tortured vampire Edward who can drink from his girl, but can't turn her; there are a lot of lemons in this so prepare to change your panties.

Eight Days A Week, by 107yearoldvirgin: Black sheep Edward takes a job as a many in the hopes of boning his new boss Bella Swan…. Hilarity ensues… and I dearly love to laugh…it's a family trait.

Finally I'm going to pimp out my own one-shot A Man's World, because I love the Bella in this story. My goal is after I get past chapter eleven posted on here I'll be able to write that story the way I had initially intended. Review… Please… I'm not above begging…