Disclaimer: I do not own twilight… well I mean I own the book and the movie… and a ridiculously embarrassing amount of memorabilia, including some really awesome band-aids, but sadly the writes belong to SM.

Chapter 8

EPOV

'Bella is pregnant.

With a baby.

My baby.

Mine.

Not anyone else's.

Mine.

From my loins.

Cullen DNA.

Didn't use a condom.

Didn't want to.

Could have.

Didn't.

Baby.

Good God, I'm an asshole.'

Since learning of my new paternal standing, and the forty-eight hours following my single handed Call of Duty style assault of Forks High, I'd only been able to think, communicate, and rationalize in clips and phrases. Most of them revolved around self-deprecating insults, my spawn's paternity, and the night I fucked Bella Swan up against my bookcase.

At least I enjoyed a third of my own thoughts.

Jasper, on the other hand would cup his hands over his ears, shake his head back and forth, and speak in tongues over my words anytime I began to verbally vomit details for my lone night with his little sister.

I could sympathize. If I wasn't positive Alice was still a virgin even after three years of marriage to her white Rasta I would presumably have a similar reaction.

It's probably for the best that Emmett didn't have any sisters.

Oh God, Emmett.

'He doesn't know.

He can't know.

I'm still breathing.

He doesn't know.'

I was mindlessly packing, really just throwing clean underwear into a duffle bag, when I realized situation ugly duckling, which is fucking hilarious by the way, the name, not the situation, the situation is definitely not hilarious, was still a relatively covert operation. Really the only people aside from me and my baby's mama who knew were Jazz, Alice, and Renee…and the entire population of Forks between the ages of fourteen and eighteen, but that's only like … psh … three hundred people? No biggie.

I knew I needed to tell my parents, but I was determined to have Bella at my side when I broke the news. Better to avoid screaming and bodily harm at my expense if there's a pregnant woman in the room.

What?

Esme's fucking scary as shit when she's pissed off. I think she's going through the change.

Yes, before you ask, I am a twenty-six year old man that is afraid of his mother, and I am not ashamed to admit it.

My mother raised a gentleman, it's not her fault I'm a failure, but knowing Esme, she'll find a way to blame herself for my utterly fucktabulous, life-altering stupidity. Like mother, like son. My only saving grace is that out of the women I've been with, I rode bareback with Bella. Esme loves Bella.

Then there's Carlisle. He's a quiet man, naturally smiley, but has a tendency to over think and over complicate everything. He's analytical like that. Probably comes from being a doctor.

He gave me the sex talk at age eight, and I don't mean the birds and the bees, I couldn't have received something as simple as that from Doc Cullen. No, I got diagrams and pictorial evidence of sexually transmitted diseases that made my cock reverse inside itself until Joanna Moore, later dubbed Hoanna Moore, gave me a hand job in the eighth grade. After that it all went down south, to my crouch.

What can I say, she created a monster, pictures be damned. Well not entirely, some images you can't get out of your head, that's why I'm a perfect poster child for safe sex.

At least until that night with Bella.

'She must hate me.' I thought sadly.

'I would hate me.' I thought, placing myself in her shoes.

It was a good thing I wasn't in her shoes, because I couldn't find it in myself to hate me. Amidst all my jumbled thoughts every once in a while something would slip in that would make me smile. 'Bella's carrying my baby.'

Thank fucking God.

Like I said, Edward Anthony Cullen: poster child for safe sex.

Since I was fourteen I've bought condoms in bulk, they sell that shit online at a reduced rate, even when I was dating Rose.

Now, I'm not saying I wasn't momentarily tempted to go all natural when Rosalie went on the pill, but when I noticed her looking all adoringly at anything walking and talking under waist high, including the occasional midget, I started double bagging my junk. I wasn't ready to be a father.

'Am I ready to be a father now?'

That singular question kept my mind occupied as Jasper and I drove silently to the airport, as we flew cross-country, and as we trudged through Cleveland Hopkins Airport.

"Alright, you need to say something Cullen, because this mute riot you're sportin' is freaking me the fuck out." I looked over at Jasper as he dodged other travelers, and moved his line of sight back and forth in search of something in particular.

"What?"

"You," he answered, taking a brief glance in my direction, "haven't said shit in seven hours dude."

I furrowed my brow, perplexed. I knew I had been a bit on the silent side, but surely I had said something, to someone. I mentally instant replayed his aforementioned timeframe, cursing inwardly when I realized I hadn't even verbally ordered my own coffee at the airport back home, just tapped the sign and pointed to the venti cup on display too lost in my own thoughts of possible t-ball games or dance recitals to be bothered by the outside world.

Well shit.

Instead of dignifying with him a response I shifted closer, trying not to lose him in the unholy early morning crowd. 'I can't believe there are this many people at four in the morning.'

Never one to keep his mouth shut once he starts going, Jasper kept talking. "At first I blamed it on the Valium I slipped into your caramel macchiato, which in case you were concerned is really homo that you drink that shit, but since you're still acting all emo I've decided that may not be the case."

"You spiked my coffee?"

He shrugged his left shoulder in admittance, simultaneously adjusting the knapsack that hung there. "It was really for my own benefit. Jittery people tweak me out."

I shook my head and gripped my duffle's straps tighter in aggravation, completely oblivious of a blue haired woman on a bright red Hover Round until it was too late and I took her out and flipped ass over tea kettle, sprawling both of us onto the floor in a heap of tangled limbs, the wheels on her motorized scooter still spinning.

"Oh my God, I am so sorry." I apologized profusely as I tried to pull myself up, but realized that I was being held down, by a hand, on my dick. Lifting my head up, still positioned firmly on my back, I stared in disbelief at the smiling elderly woman sprawled out beside me, as she rubbed the zipper fly of my Levi's with more strength than I thought possible for someone her age.

I was dumbstruck. I knew the people in Cleveland were a little on the odd side, explaining why the Swans fit in so well, but I never would have imagined that they would have been so hard up on a good time that I would be openly groped by an elderly woman I'd just toppled over.

My stomach rolled as grandma's eyes twinkled while she winked and popped her dentures out of place just enough to give me a view of her gum filled mouth. "Nothing to apologize for sweetie," she answered when slid her removable teeth back into place.

I might have puked a little.

In need of rescue I looked to Jasper, begging with my eyes for assistance, pleading for aid, but was met only with the top of his well worn Indians ball cap as the fucker doubled over in laughter, loudly drawing more attention to my already humiliating position.

Truth be told, if the roles were reversed? I'd totally be doing the same thing.

It still pissed me off.

Fighting back my grimace, I wrapped my hand around the woman's wrinkled wrist removing her grasp from my retreating manhood. "No," I started politely, pushing myself and Horney Harriet into a sitting position. "I wasn't watching where I was walking. The fault is entirely mine."

Jasper's laugher had died down, not completely, but enough that he had managed to turn off and right the woman's battery powered wheel chair, only to let out a loud guffaw when the old bitty sweetly replied, "You can make it up to me if you like."

I definitely puked a little.

I maneuvered until I was on my feet; all the while single handedly pulling up the woman to sit her back in her rightful place, and out of reach of the Cullen family jewels.

"I really am truly sorry," I said backing away, trying to put as much space between me and her, "but I uh… really am in a hurry."

"You loss," she cooed as she drove away, beeping her horn and waving her meaty arm.

I turned around making eye contact with a red faced Jazz. "Did that just fucking happen?" I asked in complete bewilderment.

"God I wish I had a camera right now." Jasper breathed out, holding his gut with his right arm and covering his mouth with the back of his left hand.

Shoving him I countered, "I sure as fuck don't."

"It doesn't matter," Jasper answered shaking and gasping under the intensity of his mirth, "Because they do."

My eyes traveled down his pointed outstretched arm continuing toward a crowd of men furiously clicking away with wide angled lenses. Whipping my head back, just in time to catch Jazz wipe away a tear from his eye, I seethed out, "Who the fuck are they?"

Doubling over again, supporting his weight on his knees, he barked out "The paparazzi."

"The paparazzi?"

"This is just too damn good," he chuckled to himself. "I bet that shit's going to be on Good Morning Cleveland."

Dropping my voice to a deadly decibel I asked, "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Not important brother," he said trying to collect himself, by inhaling and exhaling deeply, "But I recommend you keep your head down."

He bent down and grabbed his discarded bag, mumbling to himself fighting off yet another round of laughter "Alice is going to be so pissed she missed this."

Irritated, confused, and straight fucking fuming I leaned over and retrieved my own bag from the floor, following Jasper in the direction of the exit, and toward the cameras.

If you've failed to notice…God hates me.

"Jasper" they called knowing his first name like they were old friends "Who's your friend? Is he okay? That was a nasty spill he took. Is the woman alright? Why did you take a separate flight than Bella and Alice? Did you know that your book just made the New York Times best sellers' list?"

Question after question was fired in his direction in rapid succession compounding my confusion. 'They knew Alice and Bella? They knew they were here? Jasper wrote a fucking book? Was it a pop-up?'

Like a pro, Jasper finagled his way around the crowd toward the exit, with a smile plastered on his face as he answered simply, "Us Swans really know how to put on a show eh?"

It was reassuring that my trip had begun so well.

When we were finally settled in our economic sized rental car, because Jasshole wouldn't spring for the free, I repeat, free upgrade, the absurdity of my geriatric encounter came barreling down on me and I began to laugh hysterically in the passenger seat of a lime green Aveo.

"Only me," I managed out near the end of my side splitting cackles.

"Or Bella," Jasper corrected still chuckling.

"Really?" I asked trying to gain some composure.

"Oh god yes," he laughed with a nod putting the car in gear. "Sometimes the shit she finds herself in is just too surreal."

"Like what?" I asked genuinely curious. I've always basked in Bella knowledge or as I like to call it, Belledge. Social networking sites had nothing on first hand information from the brother.

"Hell no homie," he stated briefly glancing over his shoulder as he merged into oncoming highway traffic. "I know better than go around running my mouth spewing B stories. That girl has got her mother's temper and I have no intention on meeting the receiving end of that shit."

"Right, her mother's temper," I said solemnly.

With an accusatory tone he asked, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know," I began treading really fucking lightly, no one likes hearing shit about their mama. "I've heard stories about Renee's antics."

He snorted humorlessly, "let me guess, from Rose?"

I sat quietly, deciding to keep my sources confidential, and gazed out the windshield at the tail lights of the car ahead of us.

Shaking his head, his voice hard "Let's get one thing fucking straight Eddie; Rosalie doesn't know shit about Renee's antics as you put it."

Backtracking like a motherfucker I began to stutter, "I-I, shit dude, I really d-don't know what to say. I uh just know what I'm told you know?"

He sighed, "I'm going to let you in on a little parental advice the good chief sent my way when I was about four and you'll do well to imbed this in your metro little mind before you start perusing Bells. Fairytales aren't realistic."

Flatly I spoke, "Thanks for that. I'll keep that in mind."

Gritting his teeth, he seethed. "I'm not even to my fucking point yet Cullen. As I was saying before I was so ruuudely interrupted, is that the problem with Grimm's shitastic tales are that they're never from the stepmother's point of view and you never hear the other side of the story. So yeah I'm sure Rosalie Swan gave you wonderful insight on how Renee ruined her life and made her feel unwanted. Took her daddy away or some shit, but I bet she never told you that Renee and Phil are the ones that paid to put her bitch ass through college. Or that they bought her that ostentatious M3 as a graduation gift. Or that they gave her, no questions asked, the startup funds for her beloved shop." He gripped steering wheel tighter, white knuckling the vinyl wrapping. "She might not love, or hell even like Renee, but you need to understand right the fuck now that the woman who is graciously opening her home to you is the mother of my sister, and the grandmother of your child, so you will respect her and keep you motherfucking opinions to yourself."

Oh. My. Shit.

His speech left me stunned stupid. I sat there gaping at him, a fucking fish out of water. I'd never heard him say anything remotely that passionate about anything other than Alice, Bella, or weed. Using my vast knowledge of the English language I mustered out a semi-breathless "Wow."

"Yeah well…" Jasper trailed off as he exited the freeway, "She's my mom too motherfucker and I'm a goddamned mama's boy."

I smirked, "Join the club my friend. Join the club."

***

If it wasn't for the pleasant dream I had of Bella accidentally coming into this room while I slept and then letting me plow into her until she couldn't walk, it would've felt like my head had just hit the floral covered pillow in the guestroom next to Jasper's when I heard my door slowly creek open and small feet pad across the floor.

'Please, be Bella…Please, be Bella… Please, be Bel-'

"Wake up big brother!" Alice cried as she launched herself onto my bed and then instantly took to jumping all around my near naked body chanting, "Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up."

Shielding my very predominant morning wood from her attack, I rolled onto my stomach thinking, 'If she only knew.'

"Damn it Alice," I groaned into the pillow, "don't you have a husband you should be accosting?"

"Yeah," she settled in next to me sitting Indian style in my direction, "but he's asleep. He didn't get in 'til early this morning, and my Jazzipoo needs his rest."

I grunted, "I was on the same damn flight Ali, what makes you think that I don't need my rest?"

"You don't sleep… like ever."

"Not true," I snuggled into the pillow wishing she bounce back to whatever hell dimension she came from. "I'm sleeping now."

"You're not sleeping. You're talking."

"Go away." 'It's wrong to hit a girl… it's wrong to hit a girl…is it really that wrong to hit a girl? What if she's your sister?'

"No."

"Go spend time with Jasper. He misses you."

"I don't doubt that," she began smugly. "But I see him all the time. You" she poked me in the arm, "I don't see enough. Is that a new tattoo?"

"What?" I asked rolling my head so that I could make eye contact with her.

"This," she flicked the ink on my back, "is this new?"

I flinched under her force; I whined "Ouch, fu-fuck, yeah it's new." Not only was I tired and grumpy, but that shit was still pretty raw. I had got it the day before I left New York a little over a week before.

"Hmm," she ran her finger over the words lightly, "I like it. Bella has something similar on her left love handle."

"Yeah?" I asked slightly in awe of the possible coincidence.

With a sweet smile at my obvious pussy moment she nodded and pulled her hands into her lap.

I returned her smile. "It's part of the Robert Frost quote I said-"

She cut me off, "During your valedictorian speech. I know. That's where Bella got it from."

My eyes widened in shock and I propped myself up on my elbows. Bella, my Bella, had gotten my words, alright not really my words per say but they did leave my mouth and reach her ears, and that's good enough for me, marked permanently on her body.

"It's going to take some time to get to know her, and I mean really know her Edward, not just some fantastical personality you've placed upon a pedestal for the last eight years, but I can swear to you everything will work out." She tapped the side of her head, "I'm psychic."

Dropping back and collapsing onto the bed face first I groaned out, "Are you really back on that psychic kick again."

Swiping the pillow from under my head she began to rant and beat me simultaneously, punctuating every other word. "Fuck you doubting motherfuckers. I know what the fuck I am talking about, and one day so help me Jesus I'll prove it to your bitch asses." She tossed the pillow onto the floor and hopped off the bed, taking my blankets with her as she headed toward the door. "Now get the fuck out of bed, your baby's mama turns twenty-five at midnight and I have a lot of shit to accomplish between now and then to make you look less like a douche."

Her hand had just made contact with the knob when I spoke up, "Ali?"

"Hmm?"

Nervous, I ran my hand through my hair. My voice, nothing more than a whisper, "Does Bella know I'm here?"

Alice sighed, her hand falling to her side with a slight slap. "No," she turned to face me, "She wasn't in a receptive mood this morning."

I sat up. I didn't even have pants on yet and my day was being shat on. "Elaborate please."

Using her right hand to twist her wedding band, my sister shifted her weight from one foot than the other. "It's probably for the best that she stays in the dark. She's got some things to work out on her own today." From my window I heard a load roar which quickly dissipated into a rumble. "Now get up, she's leaving so you won't have to go all Mission Impossible and try to avoid her."

I nodded and pushed myself to my feet as tires below made contact with pavement in a silence splitting squeal. 'What the fuck?' I cocked an eyebrow at my sister, asking her with my eyes what the early morning ruckus was about.

"Like I said," her eyes twinkled mischievously, "B has some shit she needs to come to grips with. Plus," Alice added with a wink, "I think the Hyabusa's been calling her name since she set foot in Ohio."

My thoughts, taking on the voice of a loud black woman screamed, 'Oh hell to the fucking no, Swan did not jump on a bike with my kid in tow!'

Before I had the opportunity to slam my vertically challenged sibling with an ass tone of questions, she had slipped out of the room, "Lot's to do Eddie. Get a move on!"

Exasperated I dressed quickly, making a mental note to buy clothes to wear for the weekend and huffed around like a little bitch, determined, birthday or not, to give Isabella a piece of my mind when I saw her next. "God damn, motherfucking, of all the most irresponsible, what the fuck is she thinking?"

***

My mood didn't improve as the day progressed, and it wasn't because I spent the day shopping.

I… kind of… you know… enjoy… spending money.

Yeah whatever, laugh it up. I like to shop. It's a stress reliever and I've always had good luck locating age appropriate between the sheets participants at the Victoria Secret semi-annual sale. Judge me; I don't mind… at least I was getting laid.

Not that I was concerned with getting laid anymore unless it was with Bella, but I never thought I would worried for my life going shopping with my sister.

The day wore on as Alice pulled me from one shop then the next, progressively traveling into a shadier neighborhood than the last. "Garden Spots" she called them.

Garden my ass.

At one point she pulled up to the curb in front of what looked to be an abandoned building and cut the engine looking over her shoulder at the small group of men standing outside the establishment, and I used the term 'establishment' loosely. "Hmm only five, it must be a slow day."

Interesting.

She then began to cross herself, and looked over at me with all seriousness as she pulled her Gucci bag into her lap. "Do NOT make eye contact with anyone outside of this car until we are safely inside the shop Edward. Do you understand me? I don't want to have to pop a cap."

"Pop a cap?" Was she gangsta now?

She nodded, tapping her purse twice. "I have my Conceal to Carry Permit for the state of Ohio."

Yeah, that definitely did not sit well with me. Whoever the hell thought it was good idea to give an asthmatic with a Napoleonic complex legal permission to own a gun should be taken outback and shot. The irony of that statement isn't lost on me.

I actually think it was fairly witty if I do say so myself.

Following her lead I crossed myself. 'I want to live to meet my kid.' I thought as we exited the car.

***

It was dusk when we finally returned to Renee's home, greeted by a shirtless Jasper smoking a cigarette on the front porch. 'Doesn't that fucker ever wear clothes?'

With a knowing smirk he asked "How was shopping?"

I grunted in return, trudging my way up the stairs followed closely by Alice.

Enthusiastically she chirped. "Excellent! And I didn't even have to use my pepper spray this time."

He chuckled, not the least bit phased by his wife's remark. "Sounds like you had a good time."

I looked at my brother-in-law incredulously. "Do you even fucking know where she took me?"

He took a hit of his smoke, "I have a few guesses."

His nonchalant attitude irritated me beyond words. "What the hell Jazz? Aren't you concerned for your own wife's safety?"

Jasper stubbed his cigarette out in a neglected planter to his right. "I'm not sure if you've met your sister," he started. "But with that Glock in her handbag I'm more concerned for anyone that crosses her path with mal intent than I am for her own safety. Your little sis has wicked aim and she can pistol whip like a bitch."

I turned my head, slightly disturbed, just in time to catch Alice hop in place and add, "True story."

I exhaled loudly, shifting my sights from my sister to her husband and back again. There must be something in that water here. That's the only explanation. "Alright then," I shook my head, trying to rid my mind of Alice dressed in all leather and going Dark Angel on some street thug ass.

Did I just say "street thug"? God I'm lame.

"Well this has been fun" I say as I scoot my weary ass in the direction of the front door, "but I think I'm going to go inside and see if I can talk to-"

"She's not here." Jasper stated as he rose to his feet and dusted off the thighs of his jeans.

"What do you mean she's not here?"

Squinting, a sure sign that Jasper toked it up at some point in the recent past, and I mean like the last twenty minutes, he looks at Alice, confusion written across his face. "Wife, was I speaking Russian?"

Adjusting the bags in her arms, she tightly closed her left eye and darted her right eye from side to side, it was pretty creepy. "Nope," she decided her face thankfully returning to normal, "I don't believe you were husband."

"Good to know," Jazz answered putting his arm around her shoulder before looking at me over her head. "She's out ass monkey, but have no fear; we're meeting her and the 'rents for dinner in forty minutes."

Like the sad sack of shit I am I croaked out "Forty minutes?"

"Yup," he answered as he placed a kiss upon the crown of my sister's head, "Dress for the clubs Edward," he paused to exchange a knowing look with Alice. "Bella's birthday is kind of a big deal around here. You're not in Forks anymore Toto."

***

Before you the tattoo will be revealed in the next chapter… cross my heart and all that happy crap.

I really had this huge intention of going further with this chapter, but it was like everyone just shut up in my head and I couldn't find my words in Edward's point of view, so I've decided that Bella's birthday weekend extravaganza will be told from B,E,A, and J's points of views highlighting their favorite parts… or maybe not and I'll write a normal chapter with little outtakes…. I don't know, but I do know that it will be up by next Wednesday. That's the deadline I'm giving myself. We shall see.

Till then my pretties… read on and review!