Author: Meltha
Rating: G
Feedback: Yes, thank you.
Spoilers: Through Deathly Hallows
Distribution: The Blackberry Patch and . If you're interested, please let me know.
Summary: Pretend for a moment that in the world of Harry Potter, Father Christmas is real. Here are letters some of the wizarding world might write to the jolly old elf.
Disclaimer: All characters are owned by J. K. Rowling, a wonderful author whose characters I have borrowed for a completely profit-free flight of fancy. Kindly do not sue me, please, as I am terrified of you. Thank you.
You red-coated old loon,
I swear to Merlin, if you track one more atom of chimney soot into this school, I'm going to bolt shut every hearth from Christmas Eve until Easter (and don't even get me started on that pink abomination of nature that goes hippity-hopping across my clean floors with though gigantic, muddy rabbit feet of his, hiding eggs in unlikely places so that they rot and stink! I know you know that freak of nature, so you can warn him from me that if he invades this castle again in the spring, I'm going to set Fluffy on him!). Do you have any idea how long it takes to clean this place? And here you come, you great oaf with your over-inflated ego, tracking creosote and ashes and what all across the common room carpets and into the Great Hall and down the steps and who has to clean that mess? Me, that's who! The very least you can do is wipe your big booted feet on the mats the elves have laid out for you in front of every single fireplace. Have some or consideration or I'll leave Dungbombs on the roof next time! Remember, Mrs. Norris will be watching you (see, now how does feel, you perverted peeping Tom!)!
Argus Filch, caretaker
P.S. You had better leave me a replacement mop for the one I used up last year cleaning your mess! Preferably self-soaking and soaping, or I'm going straight to the Minister to ask for your flying license to be revoked for that bloody sleigh under the new brooms-only law! I've got connections, you know!