The Price of Trying
CE 73 April 9, Orb (Afternoon)
Lexi was spending the afternoon with Lathan and his fiancé, the redhead having to be on her best behavior despite her heart just not being in it. Her grins were always weak, her words a bit quieter than normal, and even her energy was flat, but she liked to think the outing was still pleasant. Lathan, at least, hadn't complained, but he did give her a few more shoulder pats than she was used to, making her think not even the once impressive Lunar Eclipse was able to fool the blind, but observant senses of her brother.
Lora was lovely, Lathan's fiancé the good combination of stern and charismatic and despite the strangeness of the situation as well as the obvious challenges ahead, she took the whole engagement with a level of grace Lexi found admirable. That grace might have stemmed from something further, however, the woman practically oozing with ambition and that was obvious in how she spoke, the way she leaned into each conversation, and her quick, but rather in-depth observations. Her and Lathan bounced ideas off each other quite well, though the strain of two people who were still trying to understand the other person was prevalent, more verbal scuffles popping up as some topics expanded into larger discussions. For the most part, Lexi kept her distance during those conversations, choosing to let the greater minds have their intellectual sparring and watching the spectacle unfold from afar.
Overall, the redhead was confident the two would make it work and even if she didn't appreciate how the relationship began, she felt comfortable enough about the direction they were headed to no longer bring up her grievances in front of Lathan. Besides, even amid the squabbling, he looked happy. Anything that made Lathan look like that was good in her book.
Lora had left almost an hour earlier, however, leaving the siblings alone in the sitting room at the Rymyr estate and going through a pot of tea. Neither of them had changed, Lathan still in his pressed, blue shirt but at least his tie had been removed, lying across the back of his armchair. Their previous conversation had died down, the older Rymyr scratching at an invisible marking on his black slacks in what Lexi could only describe as a nervous gesture. She had no other reason to think it was anything else, especially since he had disengaged the Gorgon Eyes for the day to rest his strained eyes.
"What's wrong?" Lexi just asked outright, putting her mug on the table near her left hand. She sat in another armchair across from him in white slacks, a loose, green button-up tucked into her waistband beneath a stylish belt. Her sleeves were rolled up, the two of them sitting in the afternoon sun and it was hot that day, Lexi absently wondering if that particular sitting room chat would be the location of her first sunburn of the season. Her legs were pulled up under her, squaring up to Lathan as he breathed out a sigh to begin what was seeming like a rather hard thing for him to speak about.
"I have something to tell you and, honestly, I've been avoiding it because of what's been going on with Yzak."
"There's nothing going on with Yzak," she responded quickly, the bite audible in her tone. "I'm fine—honestly—and I really wish you would all start believing me." Mostly true, though she also knew everyone was aware she had started watching the phone ring when he called, even reading the messages he sent. She had yet to return any sentiment, but…
"Just tell me," Lexi continued, annoyed now that he would even say something and happy he seemed to catch onto her annoyance.
Sighing, Lathan paused a couple seconds longer before finally leaning forward, his elbows scraping against his slacks. "We'll need to have another conversation with Namarra when she comes back from the PLANTs, but Erika and I have discovered something very interesting about that drug compound we had been looking into—the one that had been used on you by ZAFT—the one probably supplied in part by the EA." As expected, the room stilled, the blood rushing to Lexi's ears like it did every time this conversation came up.
"What about it?" she pressed and he continued slowly.
"We've discovered it had been approved for trials in the past and is not currently patented despite ZAFT using a version of it. That means we can create the drug ourselves."
"Create it? What does that mean, exactly?"
Another pause from him and Lexi's mouth slipped into an impatient frown. "It means we can conduct trials, but—Lexi—we're nowhere close to manipulating it. That could take months—years—"
"But you need data from me in order to do that anyway, right?"
"No, we can find the right specimen to—"
"'Find' a specimen? But how? You need a Berserker, right? And from what I know, they are few and far between."
Lathan hesitated but eventually nodded at her conclusion, his face strained. He didn't have any real argument and liked the idea about as much as the next person, but there was at least one thing the Rymyr siblings knew many of the others didn't: Lexi was running out of time.
She stood quickly, Lathan flinching at the drastic change in the air around them and tensed, Lexi witnessing his fingers curl inward as she lunged towards him and put both of her hands on the armrests, barricading him into the seat.
"It has to be me, Lathan. How soon can we begin?"
"Lexi, I—"
"Lathan, how soon?"
"We've—" He paused, turning away from her excited breath and forcing the next words out slowly. "We've already made three successful doses."
"So, any day? We—we can start trials any day?"
"Yes."
"L-Lathan, this—"
"Is dangerous and I don't want to do it!" he spat, still not looking at her.
"But what choice do we have? Answers, Lathan, we need answers."
"But at what cost, huh?"
"At the highest cost we can afford!" Lexi shot back, her emotion pushing through in a burst of sound she didn't regret. The chair bristled with the emotion, the frame rattling as she shook it. It was her decision, right? It was her life.
"I trust you," she continued, hands moving from the armrests to his shoulders. "If it's you and Erika, I have nothing to worry about. You'll be ethical, attentive—"
"Lexi, that's not how this drug works—there's the possibility it'll show us nothing and hurt you—"
"You think I'm not getting hurt now?
"It's not the same and you know it. Just—"
"Lathan, please!" Lexi begged, rattling his shoulders much like she had the chair. She must have looked mad, breath ragged as her eyes felt dry, having not dared blink to miss any reaction from her brother. He knew, right? Surely he knew the threats they were facing. Lexi had no recollection anymore when she switched and she barely had control over that anymore. As far as she knew, she hadn't gone berserk since the two times with Yzak, but the taunting in her mind was trying to convince her otherwise. It was a constant battle—a relentless fight between the truth she knew and what the Berserker was trying to make her believe.
"I want you to—please, help me."
Yes, help. She needed help; needed it badly. Lexi was dying and despite her stubbornness, her fears and even her confidence, this matter couldn't be kept between just her and Namarra anymore. The Berserker was threatening others and that meant Lexi either needed to go and hide or fight.
Until proven otherwise, she chose to fight.
There must have been the right amount of pleading in that shriek because her brother did turn towards her, his eyes opening for a moment in a brief instance of surprise and honesty. No amount of injury could blind her to someone she had been able to read since childhood and, in that moment, it had been clear on his face. He knew she was right—was even terrified by it—but just like her, saw no other option. They did need answers.
And he would be the one to get them for her.
CE 73 April 11, Orb (Afternoon)
"—no, there," Athrun said, pointing down the sights to the end of the shooting range and the paper target set up for Lexi to shoot at.
"Yes, Alex, I'm aware you shoot at the big circle in the middle," the redhead huffed, gaze coursing over to the only other shooter briefly before returning to her sights.
"Technically, there are other areas that would be better depending on the circumstances—"
"Alex," she warned and he sighed, the sound close to her left ear and she flinched, playing up the shiver of his breath on her skin and swatting her right hand at the itch. She kept her left hand steady on the gun, arm getting tired from his instruction, but their company was refusing to leave.
"Yes, yes," Athrun drawled, finally stepping back in the booth to stop just behind her. His outfit crinkled as he raised his arms, Lexi knowing he had just crossed them at his chest in what she could imagine was genuine frustration. The redhead was playing a role, but while Athrun was typically good at playing the tutor, his patience was short today.
"Just aim at the middle and keep both eyes open," he repeated for what was the third time that afternoon. "And you're sure your left eye is dominant?"
"Alex," was all she said before a sigh ended that spat and sent him to his own booth. Aiming, she did as instructed and pulled the trigger on the Baretta in her hand, exaggerating the flinch as much as she dared to make the aim go a little too low and into the target's gut.
"Pretty good," he complimented to her right then shot off a volley of his own, three shots into the target at various places, but all perfectly aimed. One went into the right shoulder, another into the targets right side and then finally the last one into the left chest cavity.
Show off, she thought, but rolled her eyes instead of voicing her grumbling. She probably should have been playing the swooning girlfriend, but even that was a bit beyond what her acting ability could play off.
Their shooting went on for only a few more minutes until finally the last shooter left, finally leaving them alone in a session that was supposed to be booked for them anyway. No one argued with a high-ranking officer, however, the older officer taking his time before leaving the range to the two "young lovebirds."
"Thank Helmaya," Lexi breathed and fixed both her stance and aim, putting a volley of three shots in the same places Athrun had done earlier.
"Not sure why you insist on playing up that you have little experience in this." Athrun pressed the button in his booth as he spoke, zooming the target to him early so the two of them could compare their precision shots. "It's well known that both you and Lathan had joined ZAFT during the war."
"Yeah, but not everyone knew what I did," the redhead responded, doing the same with her target before unclipping the paper and walking around to lean against the rear wall just behind Athrun. Looking at the holes, she compared their scores and nodded, happy their aim was the same, but even Lexi noted his shots had come in faster succession. Just something she needed to start working at again. Skills often went array, even ones that had been honed as profusely in training as Lexi's had. Though, despite the timing difference on shots, she had also noticed they shot the three areas in a different sequence. Athrun's sequence was probably to disarm. Lexi's was to kill.
Shrugging, Athrun put the target aside and began setting up a new one. She was glad he didn't argue and perhaps that was the main reason she had chosen to hang out with him that day instead of the girls. Given the previous, lingering shooter's rank, he was probably high enough in the food chain to have been around during the battle for Orb and while names were not always as easily connected with faces, the older officer had probably known Lexi Rymyr had come to the island in a ZAFT machine. Still, not having to argue with Athrun was a small comfort, Lexi following his example and resetting her own target.
They had a comfortable hour of shooting by themselves, little interaction between the two of them, but it wasn't awkward. The camaraderie they shared had only amplified over the course of peace and, Lexi supposed, even Athrun knew better than to poke her about Yzak.
When they were done, they didn't retreat far, grabbing a couple plastic cups of water and sitting on the benches behind their booths, ear guards and goggles abandoned on the table nearby.
"Do you have any plans for the next few months," he eventually asked, finishing the last wipe of his face before leaving the white towel draped over the shoulders of his button-up shirt. He was in the process of fixing his cuffs as she straightened out her own outfit, similarly curling down the sleeves she had pushed up on her forearms.
"I thought I might stay around here for a bit, if that works out for your Hermes plans."
"Should be fine."
"Possibly even help the family out a bit—get my face a little more in the public to pull some heat from Cagalli."
"Heat?" Athrun asked, but Lexi shooed away his worry, her wrist flapping dismissively.
"Just meaning to show her more public support, I suppose. Same with Lathan and Lora. The more I'm seen with them, the more our reputations will grow positively, I think."
"I suppose," Athrun agreed, sighing as he finished his sorting and leaned back against the wall with the cup of water at his lips. "You want to shift away from ops then? Lean a little more public relations?"
"Not really," Lexi said slowly, her own cup finding her lips as she paused to think on her role further. "Just trying to find areas I can fit into for now. Ideally," she continued, stressing the word, "I want to gradually fade out of the spotlight—preferably within the year."
"Fade out?" Athrun repeated and she nodded. "Why? Athhas are in a good spot right now and, as you say, the public is rather sympathetic to the family overall. The more support you show for the arranged marriage and Cagalli will only improve that."
"I'm just not quite sure you should be relying on me long term, that's all," she replied, her words slow again. "And that includes with Hermes. Whatever assistance I can give now, I'm keen to, but I can't promise what I'll be like in a few months to a year."
"Be like?" Athrun's face contorted with the words, his understanding—or lack there of—clear and she gave a sad smile.
"Still wrapping my head around it," the redhead said, reaching over to place a comforting pat on his knee. It was a lie, of course, and her acting helped in that moment, her dismissal convincing despite their familiarity with one another. "Nothing to worry about, I'm sure."
Lexi heard Athrun hum in acknowledgement and she turned away, her comforting smile slipping quickly back into a more natural frown. No, she couldn't promise anything long term nowadays and the laughter in her head was proof of that. Staying away from covert ops might help keep the Berserker under control, but the redhead couldn't even be sure on that anymore. After all, the times it had shown up lately was with no clear warning and no clear path to what the trigger was.
"I'll trust you for now," Athrun said and her attention returned to him, his face a manner of serious she hadn't witnessed since the war. "But when you're ready, I need you to talk to me about it."
A simple and yet not-so-simple request and Lexi gave a sad laugh. Perhaps her acting hadn't been as convincing as she had wanted, but despite his worry, Athrun was ever the gentleman, not prying even if he didn't like the circumstances. She didn't want him to worry more than was necessary, however, knowing Lathan's drug trial was on the horizon and leaned forward, offering another comforting pat onto his knee.
"Of course. When that time comes, I'll tell you everything."
CE 73 April 13, Orb (Afternoon)
"Lexi—don't—don't hang up—please."
She had finally picked up one of his calls, feeling the desperation from deep inside the pit in her gut she had been trying to hide for weeks. She didn't think she would have another chance and yet there were no words to say, her breath the only response to his greeting, his questions, even his attempt at humor. Though, she could gradually hear his frustration and not even she could find the words to keep that at bay. He had the right to be frustrated—had the right to be even more than that and yet…
"Just meet me—talk to me—something. Please."
There was that "please" again and she sighed, running a hand across her forehead and feeling the IV tube move with her. Her hand fell in front of her gaze and she stared at it, noting the tape on her skin and the knot was in her chest instantly.
"Please."
"I'm sorry, Yzak," she said simply, words a shaky whisper into the speaker and barely louder than Namarra as her attention shifted to the redhead while sitting on the other bed in the cold room. "It's too dangerous—I'm not coming back."
"But nothing happened, Lexi! I'm fine; you're fine—"
"I'm not fine!" she shrieked, the accusation bubbling the panic up quickly and even the echo of that screech had startled the redhead. It seemed to startle her roommate as well, Namarra jumping off the bed after the change in tone to move to her side. Lexi held up her hand to stop her from getting any closer, feeling the pressure rising in her chest. "Don't you get that?"
"Apparently not!" he yelled back. "Then why don't you fuckin' explain it to me instead of—"
"No, this is it. I'm not going to let it hurt you."
"It won't hurt me!" he shouted again and she bit her bottom lip, her panic wanting to make her scream in return. He was too confident. He just didn't get it. "Look, nothing's going to happen. Just talk to me."
Confident and naïve.
She tasted the metallic on her tongue and finally took a deep breath, a shaky finger going up to wipe off some of the blood around the side of her mouth. She heard the Berserker in the back of her mind, the cackle exiting between its teeth in a seasoned taunt that forced her to close her eyes.
Oh, you'd better believe I don't play nice three times in a row.
"Lexi—"
"I'm sorry, Yzak, it's not happening. I can't take the chance."
"But I'm the one taking the chance, not you!"
"You don't know—"
"And neither do you!" he shouted, but his calmer response after a few huffs proved he had regretted it. They were both panicking and the Berserker's laughter wasn't helping. "I'm sorry—just—" He let out another frustrated sigh. "Just—"
"You're right, I don't know, which is why I'm going to find out," Lexi agreed, feeling her throat close up as the emotion hit her. She was going to figure it out…
"Goodbye, Yzak."
"Lexi—"
"I'm sorry."
"For fuck's sake—"
She hung up and tossed the phone onto the floor, not caring whether it broke or survived. Defeated, her chin fell forward to rest against her chest, thick breaths staining collar of the hospital gown. The choice had been so easy before, but it was heavy. Lexi knew she should be the one doing it—knew she should be poked and prodded again, but seeing Namarra's bare feet against the tile floor as she walked over to pick up the thrown phone made the redhead's heart twist.
"Nam, you can still back out," she said suddenly, her fingers curling against the lip of the mattress over the metal frame. "You don't have to do this—you have time." The amount of effort it had taken them to get through that door and into those gowns was immense. The redhead was fairly certain neither of them had even slept the night before, and even now Lexi's muscles were weak, shaking from something deeper than mere cold.
"Perhaps," Namarra replied casually, the phone scraping against the floor as she picked it up. "But the more data we receive, the better for both of us, right?"
Lexi didn't have to respond; they both knew she was being sensible. Still, it was unfair and the Natural must have anticipated Lexi to argue further because she gave a small scoff.
"We're in this together, whether we want to be or not. As shitty as this is, Lexi," she continued, the redhead watching her feet approach and then stop just in front of the bed, "you got me, and I have you." The phone came into view, Namarra holding it in her open palm with a now cracked screen staring up at her. "And that's not going to change unless we say so."
A simple response and Lexi was touched, the panic she felt about the situation gathering in her throat to begin another round of emotion she wasn't prepared for. With any luck, the data from the two of them would help Namarra as well and the redhead clung to that hope. Answers was all they needed.
And that was what they were going to get.
Not being able to find the words, Lexi nodded instead, grabbing the phone from the Natural's grip and then turning it off when she saw Yzak's familiar name and number pop up through the new cracks. He was relentless and she couldn't blame him. In fact, it was almost endearing, but the phone went black all the same, the redhead setting the device onto a small table off to the side. A day might come she would be able to look him in the eyes again, but she braved Namarra's gaze first, meeting the Natural's determination with her own and they shared a nod.
"Let's do this."
There was a good chance things were going well before they arrived, but the scene Athrun, Cagalli, Kira, and Lacus stumbled in on wasn't one they had expected. And that was putting it lightly.
They had been out for the afternoon at a lunch meetup they had been planning for at least a month. For the first time in a long time, they all had free time at the same time, but one phone call from a concerned Morgenroete employee sent them rushing to the facility and whatever madness the lab was performing.
Erika and Lathan were sitting at a long computer console dressed in their traditional Morgenroete wear, but the expressions on their faces were far from normal. Typically, each were driven, expressions keen on puzzling out the answer to the next question, but they were both pale, crossed fingers covering the grim lines their lips were most likely set in. Behind the console was a large window that spanned across the wall and displayed a tiled room on the other side. It was bright in the room and yet the dark scene was the only thing anyone could see. Two beds were set up across from each other on opposite walls, the patients lying with their feet facing one another and a scaffolding of machinery surrounding each. Two additional employees were in the room, dressed and monitoring the machines, but they were far from their charges, the two of them to Athrun's left and against the wall, hands probably on the handle to the door.
And Athrun didn't blame them.
The patients were Lexi and Namarra, their bed coverings gone to reveal thrashing bodies dressed in hospital gowns and little else. Both their hands and feet were strapped to the beds, but the sounds audible from behind that glass was even more appalling than the sights. Their beds shook, the metal rattling as their limbs pulled at the bonds, the force was so strong it even cut through the crying of the machines.
"What are you doing?" Lacus shrieked, being the first one to find her voice and even though the quartet had been in the room for some time, it wasn't until that outburst that Erika and Lathan turned towards them.
Their eyes were wide, Lathan opening and closing his mouth a few times before he eventually turned away, Athrun able to see the guilt through his Gorgon Eyes.
"I-I—" Erika started with an unsteady breath. "They—"
Two wails erupted from the room but no one looked, the pain too palpable to behold, but the anger was there, Athrun taking a step towards them with a frustrated snarl on his lips. He would have said something—was about to—but Cagalli rushed past his side, reaching out to grab the collar of Erika's jacket.
"I order you to stop this!"
"W-we can't," she stammered, twisting to try and confirm with Lathan but he was crumpled forward, his head in his hands.
"I'm sorry, t-they wanted to know—we all wanted to know," he began, his words muffled against the console. "We didn't think—"
"We needed answers and this—" Erika couldn't finish the sentence, turning away from the pure fury that was reflected in Cagalli's eyes. The blonde had the right to be angry, but the older woman shook off the hold anyway, spinning her chair to face the console and the two in the other room.
Athrun was just as angry about the situation, but that anger was starting to wane. He had known Lexi's condition was getting worse, but what he hadn't known was that it had gotten to this stage already. When she had originally told him ZAFT had experimented on her, he had been horrified. When he had heard Namarra panic about being back in Blue Cosmos's hands, he hadn't been able to sleep. Hearing and gazing upon them strapped to beds, he felt ill and even more surprised that the girls had willingly put themselves back in the hospital.
Was this how far their desperation had gotten?
By all accounts, the situation was bad, but Athrun had to remind himself who was in charge. No one in this room would purposely put the girls through this and he had to bite his tongue to keep his frustration inside.
The six observers were silent as the drug continued passing through the girls' systems. All they could do was wait and the horror was both loud and quiet, breathing seemingly ceasing for the onlookers, but the patients were in agony. The restraints were on their last legs, the high-pitched shrieking harsh, painful, and full of so much emotion Athrun's fingers curled together and there they remained, hands shaking against the abuse. It had to end soon and he wished for it—made every plea to Helmaya he could think of until finally their voices either turned hoarse or the screaming stopped completely. Their struggling ended soon after and Athrun began to believe the worst was over, except it was only an interlude. There was no more wailing, but the sound that came from them next made their blood run cold even so.
Laughter.
They were laughing.
The sound was raspy, their throats bruised and scratched from their tirade earlier, but still maniacal. Both of them. Just… laughing.
There were two of them—two Berserkers—in the same room.
At the same time.
"Shut it off!" Kira shrieked, the sound so alien coming from him that Athrun was able to turn away from the room and towards the remainder of the party standing near the doorway. Kira was pale, eyes wide with a level of fright and understanding Athrun didn't understand and neither did Lacus. She stared at him too, both startled and confused by his outburst.
The only two not phased, however, were Erika and Lathan, both shaking their heads at the same time as their own fear levels soared.
"We can't!" Erika responded. "The drug needs to course through their systems."
Wait, drug? Athrun thought, catching on quickly to what drug they might have been referencing. "You're fuckin' kidding me. You gave them that?" He pointed out the window, tears running down the girls faces as their heads bent back in hysterical laughter.
"G-gave them what? Athrun?" Cagalli asked and Erika looked away from them once more.
"The computer the girls found on Mendel had the formula for the drug most likely used on them," Erika explained, sighing as she leaned to put her head in her hands. "It was a risk—it was always going to be risky, but the girls thought that—well—if they trusted the scientists…" Her voice trailed off, unable to finish the thought, but she must have said enough.
"T-they wanted this… treatment?" Lacus asked as she reached out to grab onto Kira's jacket. He held her steady and Athrun felt him looking at him, but Athrun's eyes were on Erika. Not only had the desperation risen to be put back beneath the prodding of medics, they had wanted to take that same, experimental drug again.
"We didn't know exactly what would happen and we needed data. With their help we could—we could—" Erika started, trying to defend herself, but in the end, she stopped, Athrun's eyes narrowing as they remained locked on each other.
"Well, have you found anything yet?"
"Athrun!" Cagalli shrieked.
"What?" he snapped. "If this is what they wanted it's up to us to give them some answers. Right?" He turned towards Lathan who nodded slowly, but the gesture shifted towards a shake of his head. He pointed down at the console below his defeated frame. Two heart rates were beating quickly beside a flatline recording of what looked like brain waves.
"We're recording any and everything we can, but I'm thinking, when we do compare results, it'll be the same."
"Most likely," Erika continued, "the drug either only worked once, or it's faulty and not doing as proposed. It doesn't look like any of the scientists were biased or overly sadistic, they were just doing a faulty experiment to the same end."
"But what is the point of all this?" Kira asked.
Lathan hesitated at first, but even he could recognize there was no use in hiding anything more from the group in the room. Even if Lexi and Namarra did disagree with him, they were in no position to do so. "They were both aiming for different ends, but the general path is the same. Blue Cosmos was searching for a way to make a Natural stand on equal ground with a Coordinator, or even be better," he explained. "ZAFT was looking for much the same thing just for Coordinators. They were looking for both the next evolution beyond what they currently are and the ability to fix the third generation."
"And these two are the link?" Cagalli asked and Erika nodded slowly.
"According to the research, at least. You see, Berserkers have been experimented on for generations and to different ends. The one constant, however, is there is generally some leap in genetic research. The gene is a mutant, meaning it's an anomaly that if manipulated can either produce wonders or destroy adversities. By having a Berserker within reach for both Naturals and Coordinators, neither are really at a disadvantage. Just depends on how far they're willing to go for progress."
The laughter had ceased in the other room and replaced with soundless screams. The girls' throats were too sore to produce any sound and their eyes too dry to produce any more tears. Their movements were slowing as their tired bodies started giving into the futility of fighting against the pain. Athrun hoped it was a sign the drug's cycle was almost over, but he had no proof, his heart wrenching even further when Namarra's tongue began making a clicking noise amid the silent screams, most likely repeating "Kai" in an endless loop.
No one dared to observe their raw pain. It seemed intrusive and so inhumane. The amount of time that had passed was unknown, but when the drug had finally passed, it was as if there was a collected sigh of relief. The machine beeped and Erika turned off the alarm, her hands shaking as she typed in the sequence. The heart monitors began falling into a steady rhythm and it looked like they were both recording brainwaves once more and based on the nods from the nurses who had run over to check on their patients, Lexi and Namarra would be relatively healthy after the ordeal.
A small comfort.
"I'm not sure when they'll wake up, but there will not be another trial," Lathan explained, releasing a new surge of anger from Cagalli.
"There will never be another trial," she stressed, finger pointing at each in turn. "I'm shutting down this operation and for their sakes," her finger moved to the girls in the other room, "I'm starting an investigation into how this was conducted. We'll look for a different way, not this."
"You think they were inhumane?" Athrun asked, startled but at the same time not surprised by Cagalli's response. Good intentions aside, the results were abhorrent with, according to Lathan before, no observable difference in data. They could have found specimens to sit in as the girls, done research some other way—something. Athrun wasn't sure on the specifics, but he knew neither Lathan nor Erika thought it unfair, the two of them nodding slowly in acknowledgement.
CE 73 April 20, Orb (Mid-afternoon)
They shut themselves away for a week after the failed experiment, looking at any research they had and having far too much caffeine than was necessarily healthy. They combed through it all: the EA research on Namarra, Namarra's parents' research, the ZAFT research on Lexi, Erika's research on SEEDs, Lathan's few notes on the recent experiment, the bible thing they had found in Mendel—all of it. They jotted down any and every conversation they had heard about their other selves whether it was from when they were kids or just the things uttered to them in the previous war.
All of it.
They became obsessed—staying up late, waking up early, ignoring calls, moving residences outside the city without telling anyone where they were going, not eating and then eating too much at once. They had to know.
They couldn't afford to not know anymore.
Lexi worked with Namarra through her traumatic outbursts, forcing the Natural to try and remember anything she might have been forced to forget. They trudged through memories, good and bad, writing down everything even if it didn't make sense. Namarra forced Lexi to remember Durandal and did the same thing, their new apartment gaining scratched walls as the Berserkers fought to keep information hidden. It was gruesome, raw, and painful, but there was nothing else left.
They had to know.
Namarra sighed and refilled their mugs with coffee, stepping out of the kitchen and tiptoeing through the maze of papers and books that littered in their hallway. She rejoined Lexi in the living room, putting the mug into her waiting hands as she sat back on their used couch, curling her legs up under her. Neither of them had slept in about 30 hours and she didn't have a word for the combination of smells circulating the apartment. They had opened the balcony in an effort to both let in the fresh air and to just try to enjoy some version of outside life.
Lexi took a brief drink of her coffee and put the mug onto the cheap side table to her right, never once breaking away from her reading of the paper in her hand. Her phone went off—again—and she took a moment to briefly look at the cracked screen before sighing, Namarra catching Lathan's disappearing name as she pressed "Ignore." Her phone went off then too and Namarra did the same ritual. She vaguely wondered if anyone had figured out their new address yet, but it was a foregone conclusion, she assumed. Friends in high places didn't often lead to a fruitful life in hiding. Waltfeld had the most legitimate threats of appearing without warning on their doorstep and she expected him to pop up soon, if the continuous buzzing of their phones was any indication.
The Natural stared out the window, watching the wind blow at the dead grass in the field outside, her brain recuperating and waiting for the coffee to have effect so she could get back to reading. How was it that there was so much information on them and yet none of it was substantial? It was just a bunch of conjecture and scientific leaps, some people equating them to gods while others named them the harbingers of death. The duality was frustrating and just… exhausting. They were so tired and it had little to do with their 30-hour spree. They were starting to feel it, the wane of trying to keep themselves alive as their other halves actively tried to erode them away. The mental battles were almost daily now and Namarra knew she had a bit more time than Lexi. She could only imagine the struggles her Coordinator counterpart was going through.
The redhead sighed then, putting the paper down in front of her and resting her elbows on her crossed legs, rubbing her forehead.
"Anything?" Namarra asked.
"Only thing I can deduce is that this is the first time there's two of us, but the reason why is still eluding me." She took a deep breath and stood before reaching over to grab her mug and tiptoe over to join Namarra on the couch. She sat down nearby and mimicked Namarra's choice of seating, the Natural's weight shifting with the movement. "We're both real," she continued, "so your parents' claim for creating you was either a lie made up by Azrael and his researchers or the biggest moment of luck in history."
Namarra just nodded, her eyes staring blankly back out through the window. So, they were both real then. Not the biggest of revelations, but if that was the proof they were going forward with, it was still nice to have any sort of truth under their belt.
"I had a thought, actually," Namarra began. "Berserkers are normally born in Naturals, I would assume, since they are the common genetic makeup of man. You're second-generation Coordinator, right? Your parents were first generation?" Lexi nodded. "That means you were conceived and born naturally, so the Berserker gene was with you already." She paused, holding the mug to her lips and smelling the sweet fragrance. "That would mean it was a conscious decision—well, as conscious as this sort of thing can be. The Berserker chose a Coordinator and not a Natural."
Lexi made a non-committal noise. "So, the choice was on purpose."
"And you were two years before me," Namarra continued. "A Natural… To, what, balance out?"
Lexi didn't say anything and they both stared, their groggy minds trying to digest the caffeine kickstarting their systems. "Do you think there's a Berserker in every species?"
"You mean are there records of animals with similar qualities?" Lexi nodded and Namarra shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't run across that. Have you?" The redhead shook her head and Namarra took a sip of her mug, her lips lingering on the rim. "Two of us…"
"If there is one in every species, that would mean a Berserker in a Coordinator wasn't a fluke. It was a statement." Lexi's fingers tapped against the side of the mug, the bit of porcelain cradled in her hands in her lap. "Do you think it's an acknowledgement Coordinators are a separate species?"
"But a species that can't sustain itself past three generations doesn't mean it's legitimate, does it? It feels more like an anomaly. Or even a forced species."
Lexi shrugged. "Second generations are essentially legitimate. It's the third generation that is having trouble reproducing."
"So, this one point in time, the human race has two species, so there's two Berserkers?" Namarra thought it over, her eyes drifting down to the ZAFT research area on the floor. They had been trying to use Lexi's genetics to break that barrier to reproduction for the third generation. Technically, if they succeeded, the Coordinator "species" would survive and there would always be two at once. It was still a long shot based on what little research they had managed to do in the short time they had Lexi captive. But how far would they get if they had her for longer? It was amazing, really, this idea of their importance to science and human evolution. On one level, Namarra found it fascinating and wanted to see the narrative play out. She was curious to know what things they could find and discover, but the expense was the thing holding her back. After all, those advancements would be made because they had given up themselves.
"Do you think we have some obligation to humanity?" the Natural asked, her arms gently falling to cradle the mug in her lap much like Lexi. "Do you think we're being selfish?"
Lexi gave a sad laugh. "The thought has crossed my mind at some point. I guess what stops me from going down that path is the sheer fact that there are, supposedly, an infinite number of SEEDs in the universe and no one is asking them to line up to be a pin cushion. No one is asking them to stop… living."
"Good will always be favored over evil, and in this tale, we're evil. I think." Namarra gave a wry laugh, their eyes catching amid that sad realization. "It's really hard for me to tell most days."
"De-evolution of humanity while the SEEDs are the evolution." Lexi released a slow breath. "If that's not evil, I'm not sure what is."
"That's the fate we're stuck with then? Dying in a couple years, our names recorded in some bible and possibly circled because there were two at once? Is that… it? Our non-Berserker selves meaning nothing?"
They slipped into silence, the only sounds from the rare bird outside, the tick of the heater on the coffee machine, and their phones buzzing as the various people in their lives tried to bait them to pick up.
This was it.
This was their legacy.
"I often wonder how much the others struggled," Lexi said eventually, taking another drink. "I have to say, it's much easier knowing there's someone else who understands. Not sure I could go through it alone."
"That might be the real reason you're living so long, not some medicine. Remember what I said before?" The Natural turned and winked. "You got me."
Lexi gave a genuine smile and chuckled lightly. "Yeah, I think you're right." She leaned back slightly, sliding down into the cushion and dropping her head against the top of the couch. Staring at the ceiling, she sighed again. "But I won't be around for you much longer. What will you do then?"
"I haven't decided," Namarra replied quickly, knowing she had thought about it many times and often ended up a panicked heap on her floor. Alone. That's what she would be. Utterly alone. Lexi brought Namarra back from the brink and the Natural brought her back. They were always there to save each other, so what happens when Lexi isn't there anymore? What kind of life would she live? Was it really worth it? When Lexi had gone berserk on Yzak, she was so scared she ran straight into the hands of scientists. She had wanted answers and the repercussions had been huge. What would happen when Namarra blacked out? Would her other half just have a chat with someone like Lexi's had? In fact, would the situation be the same? Was that a trigger of some kind and would the other person for Namarra be… Shinn?
Both heat and panic rushed up her cheeks at the thought, but no matter what feelings that realization stirred, the biggest fear she couldn't get over was whether or not she was willing to take that chance.
And could she live with the consequences?
Their phones went off again, the names of no consequence anymore. It was nice to be worried about, they knew, but in the end, it was always going to be just the two them. Two Berserkers eating their way into reality and their hosts trying to cling to some semblance of life.
"Lexi, how much do you want to live?" Namarra asked after a moment and the redhead shrugged.
"A lot, but I'm not about to think that's possible."
"What if we just went for it? What if we cashed in our obligation to humanity? Gambled there might be some reward in it for us?"
Lexi's head turned, looking at Namarra carefully. The Natural matched the glance with a serious one of her own before continuing, "What if there actually is a chance we could survive, but we're not trying hard enough to find it?"
"Nam, what are you implying?"
"What if, in order to gain our lives, we had to surrender them for a little bit?"
The redhead straightened and twisted in her seat to square up to the Natural. "You're suggesting we give up? We go back to being lab rats? You, Blue Cosmos and me, ZAFT?"
"But maybe that's the thing," Namarra continued, turning to face Lexi as well. "Maybe that's not 'giving up' at all. Maybe it's actually us 'trying.'"
The emotions crossed Lexi's face faster than Namarra could name them all, a blur of anger, understanding, pain, guilt, and, in the end, acceptance. Even she had to understand the significance of the Berserker burying Durandal's name or Namarra's memories lost behind a machine. Neither of them thought Blue Cosmos or ZAFT were "helping" but they couldn't deny the results. Orb wasn't going to help them anymore; Cagalli had made that quite clear. Maybe giving up was not letting the others try at all. Maybe as the evil of this tale, their fates with Blue Cosmos and ZAFT were them supporting mankind's advancement.
Eventually, Lexi sighed, returning to her previous position and staring at the ceiling. "This is it then? This is our last stand?"
"We'll never know, I suppose, but there will always be 'what if?' no matter what route we choose. And that's what I'm asking, Lexi. What if they find something? What if they figure it out?"
"And what if they don't? What if we spend our last days in a lab?"
Namarra swallowed, the concept indeed making her pause and the familiar panic rose in her chest. Her last days. Alone. "I-It's not easy, I know," she stammered, her sureness before betraying her after that one admission. "But, Lexi, what if?"
"What if…" the redhead breathed.
A series knocks finally sounded on their door, their concerned friends and family apparently frustrated with them enough to come to their door personally. Waltfeld and Lathan were the first two voices they heard, ordering them to open the door, but neither moved. Instead, they sighed.
"Okay, I'll do it," Lexi said between knocks.
"Me too," Namarra managed to get out before they must have found the key not so carefully hidden under the mat outside. The door opened quickly, the breeze scattering the paperwork nearby and the girls sighed again as two pairs of footsteps rushed through their door. Namarra leaned to her right, resting the side of her head against the cushion and faced Lexi, the two succumbing to their fate as the scolding began.
CE 73 April 24, Japan (Morning)
Namarra took a breath, the noise loud in her deafened left ear. There were quite a few people outside the building, the workday having begun hours ago, but the weather was nice. Many were outside for chats, to stand with coffees or even grab an extra-long smoke before having to go back to the grind once more. Usually, the front of the building wasn't used for such activities, but Namarra saw others around without badges too, making her think more than just employees were enjoying the springtime weather.
Despite being surrounded, she felt so terribly alone. Her phone had been trashed before she had boarded the plane and while she had a new one in her bag, there was only one number she found herself clinging to. The name was simply, "Him," in her contact list and the buzz from the bag at her side was the only thing keeping her calm. He only knew her as Coda and could only imagine what he would say if he knew what she was about to walk into—was about to do so she took comfort in the reality they had created. It was her escape and she had any and every precaution to make sure she didn't forget any of that narrative.
Checking the watch under her blouse, she realized Lexi was probably going through a similar routine and while not a comfort, that realization was the kick she needed to propel her through the glass doors and into the lobby of Sora BIO.
The change in brightness was blinding and her sight dulled to black for a few seconds before finally clearing to the familiar sitting space. She had only been in this area a couple of times, but she knew it well and was trying to cut out every pessimistic thought that this would be the last time she would see it.
Positive.
Her and Lexi had made the decision to try and optimism went in hand with that, no matter how difficult the emotion was to muster.
The information desk was to her left and she spun, her flats scraping across the carpet as she pushed through her inhibitions to stand and greet the young man behind a series of pamphlets and clipboards.
"Namarra Legund," she said when asked her name. There was no hesitation, no crack in her tone and it gave her confidence. Her low ponytail fell over her shoulder and onto her back as she straightened, the young man nodding and then calling up the one person she had asked for.
Dr. Daichi Tsugu answered on the first ring.
CE 73 April 24, Space (Evening)
Heine was still at the office, his tired eyes closing briefly as a yawn escaped. It was amazing how busy one could be even when paperwork was the only thing on the agenda. The key was in his door and turned when he heard the familiar timbre, the drone of Lexi's professional voice wafting around the corner and the singer's heart jumped higher than his feet from the ground.
That sounded too real to be a figment of his mind and he rushed towards it, abandoning his key and bag at his office door just to arrive and see the very owner of the voice he had heard. She was standing straight in a pant suit that looked odd on her frame, but perhaps that had more to do with her location, not her clothing.
She wasn't supposed to be there.
"Pip," he breathed but any further statement was cut off, Lexi turning to acknowledge him, but so did the Chairman hidden behind his open door. Durandal's face curved around the frame, neutral at first until a forced grin graced his lips.
"Heine, sorry I'm about to go into a meeting. Are you done for the evening?"
Heine was so transfixed he hadn't even registered his boss's words, taking long strides to Lexi who watched him approach with a grim expression of her own.
"Piper—" he tried again, but she shook her head, the neutrality on her face slipping into a grin, but one far more genuine than the Chairman's.
"This is me trying," she said and while her smile was encouraging, her eyes that once held the fight he admired, were diminished. He wasn't sure what her words meant and he didn't try to suss meaning from them, but there was no chance to argue. Instead, she put a hand on his shoulder before he could speak again and leaned in, placing a brief kiss on his cheek while he stood there transfixed.
"Miss Rymyr?" Durandal asked from the doorway, having shifted to hold his hand out to guide her inside and instead of pulling her away from him, Heine did nothing, not able to break the freeze that kiss seemed to place over him. So, he watched her; watched her follow that man through the doorway with nothing but the terrified stare his face was most likely etched into. She had, in the end, gone to Durandal willingly and the singer did eventually move, shaking hands pulling out his phone and dialing Lathan's number.
Lathan picked up the moment the office door clicked shut.
CE 73 April 26, Orb (Evening)
"I told you," Yuna said, being the last one to join the trio in the sitting room at the main Seiran estate. He set his half-drunk glass of red wine down on the coffee table, reclining back in the white, fabric armchair and rubbing his palms over the wood of the arms before offering a tired sigh. His tiredness was a show, of course, because the most he had done that day was probably drink wine, especially since it was barely noon.
The other two in the room were his father, Unato, and the ever-ambitious reporter by the name of Quiller. All three men were dressed both for the occasion and down, their suit jackets draped haphazardly over the arms of the only remaining, open chair in the vicinity. Button-up shirts and neckties had been requested for the lunch meeting, but while Unato and Quiller had had a lovely hour or so of chatting, Yuna hadn't shown his face until just then.
Quiller's gum clicked quietly, the reporter aware his company didn't particularly enjoy the sound, but it was a calming mechanism for him, especially because he felt very vulnerable. They hadn't been surprised he had run to them with the dirt he had on one particular family in the government and that bothered him. Quiller didn't enjoy being predictable, especially when he wanted to get something out of this meeting.
"Told us what?" Unato asked, annoyance betraying the hint of a smile across his lips. He had tried being cordial when Yuna had appeared, but even the elder Seiran was upset by his son's flamboyant approach to the meeting.
"I told you Dino wasn't who he claimed. It's actually quite obvious."
"Perhaps," Unato replied, taking a sip of his shochu before his arm guided the small dish between his fingers back down towards the armrest. "But it doesn't change anyone's position. If we out him for who he is, the entire government will look bad, especially in the wake of Commander Joule's trial. No matter how much I'd like to dimmish the Athha influence, I want even worse for Orb to look more the fool than it already does."
Quiller looked from one Seiran to the other, his fingers replacing his calming mechanism and drumming a quiet solo on his thigh. The Zala kid's reveal was supposed to have come with more clout, but instead it had fallen flat with both Unato and Yuna. He had been certain one would latch on to the news and help him break the story, but instead, the journalist was left with the same amount of leverage he had when he had arrived. The only thing taking any sort of hit being his reputation because he had even admitted the Athhas had been trying to keep him from releasing Athrun's identity to the public.
Quiller watched the other two carefully as he sat beside them, trifling through the rumors in his head to find that one thing that they would latch onto.
"PCO is already making the old system look archaic," Yuna groaned, sloshing the wine around in his glass. "And despite us having a solution to this problem, Cagalli refuses to go through with the marriage. Now knowing for sure who she's bedding puts a few things into perspective though."
Unato snorted, seeming to not disagree with his son's statement, though he probably wouldn't have put it so colloquially. "Even the Athhas can see the writing on the wall. All they need is a little fumble and they'll come running to us for help, I'm fairly positive of that. If there's one thing the representative doesn't want to lose is the legacy her father built; of that I'm certain."
Quiller felt the blood rush to his head, the older Seiran's words reminding him of a particular bit of news he had been made aware of. It was a juicy bit of information that he had previously slotted firmly into the "rumor" category in his mind, but perhaps if it was just a reputation hit they were looking for, this might be his way out of gossip columns for good.
"The Athhas aren't as squeaky clean as they portray," the journalist spoke up and the other two turned towards him slowly.
"Obviously," Yuna replied with a snort and a drink. "You're not exactly saying anything new."
"I have reason to believe the Rymyrs might've put themselves as the black stain on the family again," Quiller continued despite the indignation. "And it might be enough to be that reputation hit you were looking for. Or, at least, start the downward spiral of the Athhas."
Yuna still seemed unconvinced and the journalist watched his mouth open to probably say as much, but his father silenced him, the large hand of Unato Seiran reaching out and stopping his son before he could argue further.
"Go on," his low voice said and Quiller swallowed as he nodded.
"Looks like Morgenroete took a little dabble in some drug experimentation. In particular, I heard Lathan had been testing a drug on Lexi and the other Rymyr adoptee."
"Drug testing?" Unato asked and Quiller nodded again, but stopped it quickly, turning it more into a shrug.
"Or so the rumor goes. This is very fresh and I haven't been able to look into it just yet. I suppose," he continued slowly, eyes averting from the Seirans to the liquid in his glass, "if I had a little incentive, I could see what's more truth than rumor."
"What incentive does someone like you need?" Yuna scoffed, but his father stopped him again, that large hand dropping from the air to land on his son's knee.
"I'm still listening," Unato continued after Yuna's outburst. When Quiller looked up, he found the older man's eyes and shivered, the trickle of energy following a line up his spine and into a toothy grin.
A/N: Well, it might've been a long time coming, but can you believe this is the last, official chapter of Serenade? We made it! I have one more chapter I want to post, which is going to be an epilogue, but this is where we say goodbye to Lexi and Namarra... for now. I plan on continuing this series and hope to have more information for you in the epilogue on what's to come. I'll be taking a bit of a break because of life, but I'll chat more about it later.
Shit has, unfortunately, hit the fan and despite everyone's efforts, the girls ended up right back where they didn't really want to be. I'd like to think they're more wiser this time around, but I suppose only time will tell.
Thanks again to everyone who has stuck around over the years and, also, thank you to anyone new who has popped up over the past couple of years I've been slogging through this again. It's been a fun ride despite me having no idea where it was going about 5 years ago. XD
As a reminder, I have a running summary for this story and have posted it as a separate entry. I will not be adding chapters, per se, so the summary will not notify anyone when there is a new entry, but I plan on keeping it three chapters behind what has been posted. On that note, I will be getting as soon as I can.
As always, my beta, Death-Scimitar, needs the the highest amount of praise. She's been kicking me in my butt to get this chapter done and I am nothing but grateful. In fact, she's been my rock throughout this entire series. Both that support and her mean more to me than anything.
Corrections to the Narrative:
No corrections, I don't think. Lots of new here.
Please take care of yourselves, everyone, and thanks again for taking the time to read this story. I'll see you at the epilogue!
Strata