Original note on ao3:
A/N: Hi everyone! I know it's been a little bit since I posted on this one. I'm still chugging away at it but to be totally honest I got a bit disheartened because I can't tell if anyone likes the story. I don't want to ask anyone to do something they're not comfortable with, but if you are comfortable, please let me know what you think in the comments. This is my first wolfstar and I'm dying for some more feedback on it. Thank you lovely readers!
also slight tw for self-harm in this chapter, in the form of canon-typical scarring on remus from when he tries to get out of the shack
and thank you once again to everyone who has helped me with this story and continues to help me with it
Sirius didn't breathe. He didn't blink, speak, move—if he could have commanded the blood in his vessels to stop flowing lest the wolf hear it, he would have. But surely, it was still flowing—and quite fast, his heart still pounding. That must have been what was causing the thrumming in his ears.
In the span of a single heartbeat, the wolf locked eyes on him. Sirius took one deep breath; that was all the time he had before the beast lunged through the air, claws out to sink into too-soft flesh. He knew one swipe would crush bone.
So Sirius drew that breath deep and pushed off towards the beast, copying the arc of its trajectory, sailing towards it not with his soft, human form, but with the body of a large black dog. The transformation was second-nature at this point. He'd been practicing for years.
He saw it in the wolf's eyes, the moment that the switch from human to animal registered and he looked at Sirius, half-confusion, half-curious.
But the claws retracted.
The wolf dodged the lunge easily, without fear, almost lazily, and it was that more than anything else that scared Sirius. This animal was clearly an alpha, whether or not he had a pack. Sirius was now on the inside of the room, away from the door, but he did not back down. He knew his only chance was to meet the beast's size and advantage with stubborn confidence of his own.
The black dog lifted its chin and waited. The massive wolf, ratty gray fur and scratches up and down its legs, circled him. But Sirius knew that even if he were to bolt for the door and run to the passage in his animagus form, the wolf would catch him before he made it there. Neither of them would fit as they were through the passage, and he really didn't want to die a horrible, bloody death in this hovel. He had no choice but to project more calm than he felt.
The only thing that calmed his mind and soul was that he didn't see a body anywhere.
So where the fuck was Lupin?
Was this what Lupin had come to do? Fight this wolf? Capture it? Was the wolf simply there by mistake? Was there another offshoot of the passage that Sirius had missed where Lupin might have escaped to?
He didn't know, but the wolf wasn't covered in blood. Lupin was safe, wherever he was.
As the wolf walked in a half-circle, he drew closer to Sirius and sniffed. Even as a dog, Sirius held his breath.
When the wolf took a step back, Sirius knew the danger had passed. He started panting, pure adrenaline coursing through him. With a final glance, the wolf stalked off, no longer predatory now that he'd decided the dog was not a threat. It was retreating into the center of the shack—probably a generous term for the ramshackle abode—where it leaned its head back and howled at the distant moon.
Sirius took the opportunity to look around the shack, but there was no one else. And he had studied that map a hundred times. There were no other passages. If Remus had come down that tunnel…
With dawning realization, Sirius looked at the wolf again.
No .
But there was no other explanation. It had to be true.
Remus Lupin was a werewolf.
The wolf howled again and Sirius thought he had never heard a sound quite so mournful. The creature seemed to be in pain—if not physically, then in its soul. In Lupin 's soul. A wolf without a pack—without even a friend in his current form.
And the thought occurred to Sirius as easily as breathing, as instantly as if it had always existed. That it was inevitable.
Sirius could be that. He could be Lupin's pack, his friend, his companion. He could ease the heartache that laced every sound coming from the wolf's mouth.
But if Sirius thought that keeping a werewolf company was as simple as waiting for the moon to sink back below the horizon, he was deeply mistaken.
-0-0-
Lupin's howling went on for ages, his pained isolation and seclusion leaving his body in sonic waves of sorrow. And that had only been the beginning. It quickly became the longest night of Sirius' life.
He spent much of it trying to distract Lupin, to stop him from biting himself or scratching at the shack until wood splintered, all in a desperate, misguided attempt to escape the four walls. Using his playful nature to distract the wolf, Sirius tried to entice it into mischief inside the tiny structure. And at times, it worked. But the room was too small and eventually Sirius' own exhaustion was no match for the wolf's adrenaline-fueled rage. Despite the ache in his chest, Sirius could only do so much, and so he suffered through watching the man-turned-wolf that he had carved a spot for in his heart plead with the room to let him out in a language the walls couldn't understand. Whatever wards were holding them in could clearly only be crossed or cancelled by a wizard, and Sirius didn't dare transform back to attempt to disable them.
Finally, near sunrise, as near as Sirius dared to wait, he crept towards the door. The wolf was finally wearing itself out, and he knew it wouldn't be long until Lupin changed back.
His chest ached fiercely; he wanted to stay with him, be there for him through the pain.
But Sirius knew he couldn't risk waiting any longer. He would already have to run back to the castle to get there in time for classes; it would be more questions than it was worth if anyone realized he hadn't been in his room all night and didn't show up for class. And he didn't want anything to point back to Lupin. Sirius may not have fully understood why Dumbledore made him Head Boy, but it meant that his actions were carefully watched. A prank or two was one thing, but disappearing from school grounds and skiving off class was another.
Stumbling back into the castle, bleary-eyed with no time to shower, Sirius threw on yesterday's robes and grabbed his bag before heading to Transfiguration. It was a shame McGonagall wouldn't excuse him for demonstrated proficiency the night before.
~0~0~
Sirius was half asleep at his desk by the time he made it to Defense that afternoon. He gathered what little reserve of energy remained to look as unaffected as he could. It was more important in front of Lupin than any of the others.
If Lupin questioned why he was so tired, or why there was a smattering of half-healed scratches on his arms, Sirius knew he'd have a harder time lying to him than most. So he pulled the sleeves of his robes down to cover the marks he hadn't had time to heal properly. He was low on dittany, besides, but it didn't matter; it had been worth it, the temporary discomfort when the wolf's claws accidentally caught his flesh, if it meant helping Lupin not scratch himself bloody trying to get out of that stupid shack.
"Long night, mate?"
James was settling into his seat beside Sirius and looking at him with a knowing smile. His best friend raised an eyebrow and Sirius saw his own trademark smirk on James' face. Sirius had had a dalliance with a Ravenclaw girl the previous spring that kept him out past curfew more than once. It made sense for James to assume it was something similar, and it was safer to let him think a witch had kept him out at all hours.
"You know me," Sirius said with a yawn, stretching his arms towards the ceiling. "They just flock to me."
Of course it had been that exact moment that Lupin passed by his desk. Sirius saw the half-beat where he paused—sure he hadn't meant to—before continuing towards the blackboard.
And honestly, Lupin looked a mess. Bags under his eyes, sweater hanging in a way that looked like he'd lost a stone overnight. Glasses.
Glasses ?
"Cheers." James broke through his wonderings and handed Sirius a Pepper-up. They clinked vials before downing them. "But take a shower next time, mate. You smell like you've been running for hours."
The steam coming out of his ears beneath his hair was uncomfortable, but Sirius was grateful for the flush that hid the heat in his face. He chanced a glance at the front of the room and watched Lupin look back at him and frown, brows drawn together as if he were trying to solve a puzzle. Sirius would have given all the galleons in the world to know what it was.
~0~0~
"Remus—"
"Don't fret, Poppy."
"You're going to kill yourself trying to teach in this state."
Sirius stood silently beneath the cloak in the corner of the hospital wing closest to Lupin's bed. He was wild with concern when he saw the dot on the map head to the hospital wing that evening. He knew Lupin had been in rough shape after the previous night—though to be honest, he was still trying to process the whole werewolf secret—but he hadn't looked so injured that he needed to see a healer. He had gone to classes, even dinner.
Sirius needed to know he was okay.
Lupin lay back against the bed, eyes squeezed tight and a light sheen of sweat collecting along his hairline as Madam Pomfrey leaned over his arm. "I'm not dying," he said as the crunch of bone resetting had Sirius trying not to sway with nausea.
Lupin winced. "It was just harder than I expected it to be, trapped inside without the Wolfsbane after all this time. It was worse than last month…I think I knew, the wolf knew, where I was. That I was back in that place. After all these years…even when I don't have the potion, I'm used to being able to be somewhere in the world where I can run outdoors instead of scratching at myself to get out."
Madam Pomfrey pursed her lips and held his wrist in one hand before tapping it with her wand. Lupin's face pinched with pain before it relaxed again.
"You need to rest. If you don't have the potion and you are trapped inside that shack, you need to rest, Remus. It's not a suggestion." Her voice sounded pained. Sirius could tell they'd had this conversation before.
"I can't, Poppy." Lupin sighed, weariness clear in his tone. "I can't just abandon my students just because I—"
"So have someone fill in for you on the days you're ill."
Lupin closed his eyes. "And who would you suggest? Hm? Do you have another Defense teacher standing in the wings? Are they hidden in your office?"
Madam Pomfrey tutted. "Don't be snippy with me, young man." Lupin had the grace to look chastened. "I simply meant a student to keep an eye on the olde ones as they revise."
"Who could I trust to do that?"
"The Head Boy? Sirius Black is a bright young man. And I think many of the professors here underestimate him. He and his brother… well, they come from a complicated home life, but they're both more than their name suggests. I think you could trust him to do the job well."
Sirius' chest warmed with the praise, and when he saw Lupin smile, he thought he would burst with happiness. Eyes still closed, Lupin's voice held more affection than Sirius had expected after the last several weeks of coldness. "Yes, yes, I'll consider it."
"Good lad," Pomfrey said and patted him gently on the shoulder. "Now let me see if I have any of that chocolate you like. I don't know if I believe you that it helps…"
Lupin grinned again, relaxing back into the pillows. "I suppose you'll have to take my word for it."
Madam Pomfrey chuckled as she walked away, shaking her head fondly.
Sirius' heart was fit to burst with the glowing recommendation. But while his emotions were running high, physical exhaustion was quickly nearing its breaking point. Between the all nighter with a werewolf, a full day of classes, and the fear that something might have been wrong with Lupin that sent him bolting through the halls under the cloak, heart beating harder than a timpani, Sirius was completely knackered.
But he wasn't ready to go yet. Practically collapsing (in practiced silence) into the wooden chair nearest his professor, Sirius drew his legs close to his body and wrapped his arms around his knees. Taking a slow and steady breath, Sirius exhaled the stress of the day and resumed carefully watching Lupin. He was sitting just far enough from the bed that Madam Pomfrey wouldn't accidentally sit on him, while staying close enough to keep an eye on the man.
As Sirius examined his face and the streaks of sweat and dirt that he hadn't managed to scrub from his hairline, he couldn't help but find Lupin beautiful. Just then, Lupin took a deep breath and opened his eyes suddenly. He looked around, searching for something, and Sirius held his breath.
He still hadn't showered.
After a few moments looking around the room, and several times right at where Sirius sat staring back at him, Remus seemed to relax, finding no one there.
Sirius exhaled a shaky breath and knew his time pushing fate was up. He quietly made his way back towards the door.
He had one more stop to make before he could collapse in his bed and sleep the last forty-eight hours away.
~0~0~
Sirius arrived early to his Defense lesson the next day, one of Honeyduke's finest chocolate bars casually hanging between his fingertips. It was unwrapped, the smell of the decadent chocolate filling the air, and he broke a piece off and put it in his mouth just as he walked to a seat that was not his own at the front of the classroom.
With a heavy thud, he plopped into the seat and threw his legs up over the edge of the desk, leaning back casually as he ate another piece.
"Morning, professor."
Lupin looked up from where he was writing, his eyes instantly locking on the chocolate bar in Sirius' hand. Sirius had to stifle a laugh. "You're early, Sirius."
The Head Boy shrugged. "Heard there were flobberworms to be caught or something like that. Didn't find any though, so I suppose this will have to do." He gestured with the chocolate.
Sirius forced down a chuckle as he watched Lupin stare at the chocolate with such a hungry, needy look. Raising his eyebrows as innocently as he could manage, he asked, "Do you want some?"
Lupin looked at war with himself before a faint blush crawled up his cheeks. But he said nothing.
"It's really fine, professor," Sirius assured him. "I have loads." He had three, but Lupin didn't need to know that.
Lupin inhaled and then sighed, seeming to lose whatever war he was fighting with himself. "Thank you, Sirius. That's a kind offer. I'd be a fool to turn down some of Honeyduke's finest."
Sirius grinned and reached in his bag. He tossed the chocolate bar to Lupin. He'd considered standing and placing it in the man's hand, but he thought it might be tempting fate further if he were to contrive a way for them to touch.
Lupin caught it with predictable skill.
The two men ate their chocolate in silence. There were still a few minutes before the rest of the class would find their way to their seats and Sirius would have to take his usual place in the back of the room.
After a few moments, Lupin said, "Sirius I have a favor I'd like to ask you." He looked up and met his eyes, but Sirius could see that it pained him to make the request. "As Head Boy, I know you are very competent, and at least half as responsible," he grinned and raised his brows, and Sirius laughed in return. "I have a…genetic condition. And occasionally, it means I am taken ill. It's not serious, but it is very difficult to teach when it happens. I don't have a choice but to show up for my younger students, but for my NEWT level students, I believe you all could manage on your own for an hour or two. However, I'd still like someone to monitor the class while students revised."
Sirius watched Lupin swallow. He tried not to give any indication that he'd heard this plan before.
"Would you be willing to help on those days? It wouldn't be more than once or twice a month."
Sirius chewed his chocolate slowly, pretending to consider. After a few moments, he shrugged. "Sure, professor. If it would help."
Lupin exhaled and Sirius saw the tiniest crinkle near his eyes. A smile. "It would. Thank you, Sirius."
Sirius grinned in a way he hoped was appropriate to the situation and not enough to show that he was melting inside under Lupin's attention. Something in him sang at the idea that Lupin trusted him, believed him to be capable and smart and… good …good enough to do this for him.
He couldn't exactly tell his professor that he would also be tired on the days that Lupin couldn't work, on account of running around with a werewolf the night before, but he supposed he would never be as tired as someone whose entire body morphed into a creature they'd never asked to be.
"Anytime."
~0~0~
It was fucking brutal. Coming off of that second moon and heading straight to a NEWT revision class only to practically fall asleep in Transfiguration later that day… Sirius wasn't sure how Lupin had managed even for a moon or two.
But Sirius—selfishly, he knew—couldn't imagine giving up the time he had with Lupin on those nights, even if it meant being bone tired the next day. Desperate to help his professor however he could, Sirius had dismantled the wards on the shack before turning into his dog form, and thus had been able to sneak Lupin out during the most somber hours under the moon.
And being able to get Lupin out, under the clear sky… It had made all the difference. The wolf was playful, happy—and a damn sight faster than Sirius had expected him to be.
Some part of Sirius knew it was reckless. A risk. But the part of him that lit up at seeing Lupin smile even in wolf form told him that the risk was not so very great. They had stayed away from the village, after all, and there was no one in the forest. And when Sirius snuck back out of the shack that morning, Lupin had far fewer new scars.
And yet, Sirius wanted more. He wanted more than once a month to enjoy his professor's presence uninhibited. More than just those nights running beneath the moon. He wondered if Lupin would agree to more private lessons, but he had a feeling it might be too transparent. He didn't want to rock the delicate ground they'd found themselves on. But the desire to spend more and more time with him grew until it nearly hurt, until he ached with more than one kind of want so very badly. And all the while, he wanted to poke at his professor's defenses and find the sliver of trust that had let him in before, that had made them almost friends.
But something told him it wasn't the right time to push his luck.
So he waited. Impatiently.
A/N: I have gotten some feedback on this now and I'm really happy to see that people like it. If you want sooner updates, I always post on ao3 first. If you prefer reading here, please drop me a comment and let me know what you think!