Summary: SEQUAL TO: BROKEN INSIDE. Of course nothing perfect can last, and now 18-year-old Lilly finds that out first hand. What will she do when her savior leaves her and everything starts getting worse in her once-improving life?
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
I wonder to myself, how many pills does it take to die before anyone comes home?
My best guess is, not that many. But I will never be able to bring myself to do that; not to my best friend, not to my second father.
But this hurts way beyond any recognition. I've been to the depths of hell and back and still, nothing has hurt as much as this. I know this isn't anything my pot or cigarettes can cure. So I'll stick to the big guns; the real big guns.
I step over a half of my broken phone and go back into the house. I'm alone, I realize. Not just in this beautiful but empty house, but also in my life. As soon as that thought comes to my mind, my vision blacks and I have to grip the stair railing to avoid passing out. This hurts so badly.
XoXo
When I regained all of my vision and consciousness back, I continued up the stairs into my room, and even though nobody was home, locked it up. I don't even realize that I am crying until the tears fall fast enough to soak the front of my t-shirt.
I stumble over to the fucking dresser drawer again, like I have so many times before, but I can feel something different. Something is going to be different this time around. And I don't know whether it's going to be good, or if it's going to be bad.
Regardless, I dig through my underwear drawer until I find the cleverly concealed black ring box. My hands are trembling, so I struggle to get the fucking thing open. Maybe I should take that as a sign from the Heavens…like "Turn back now Lilly, you fucking idiot!" But I don't.
I finally open the box, and take out the white padding above my real savior. The sunlight peeking into my room reflects off the silver in my hand, cutting through the tension inside the room. Hah that's funny, that's not the only thing it'll be cutting. Fuck, I'm so fucking pathetic.
Unable to stand anymore, I lower my trembling body to the fucking floor and pull up my sleeves. "F-f-fuck you J-j-j-," I can't even bring myself to say his name. My love for him is too fucking strong, regardless of what he is doing to me, to say his name in vain as I'm about to rip myself apart.
The only sounds in the house now are my hot tears making a soft splattering sound on my hardwood floor, and my heavy, trembling breaths. Not even the fucking birds sing for me right now. I lower the blade down to my left wrist, and cut deeper than I ever have before.
That one cut has my head spinning, my vision blacking, my tears falling faster…but it also has my breathing slowing, my adrenaline rushing, and my lips twisting up into a smile.
Until now I had never realized how good dancing with death actually tasted.
XoXo
"Lilly? LILLY!? FUCK…NO!"
My best friend throws herself down at my motionless, bleeding figure on the floor. The conscious part of my being feels an enormous rush of guilt as I watch Miley in this panic through fading vision, but the unconscious part has never felt more fucking alive.
She's on her cell phone, probably calling the ambulance, and then she'll probably call Dad. He'll be so ashamed of me, I deserve to fucking die. That's what the conscious half is thinking.
"I NEED A FUCKING AMBULANCE OVER HERE FUCKING NOW!" I hear Miley scream to her cell phone, "WHAT DOES IT FUCKING MATTER WHAT HAPPENED? MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND IS BLEEDING FROM HER FUCKING WRIST ON THE FLOOR IF YOU MUST KNOW...I DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW LONG SHE'S BEEN THERE? WHAT THE FUCK DO I LOOK LIKE, HER FUCKING GUARDIAN? JUST FUCKING SEND SOMEONE OVER HERE!"
I wish I could smile, because if I haven't said it before, I love my best friend. But my best friend isn't going to love me anymore. I just fucked up big time.
"D-dad. It's Lilly. I j-just called the am-ambulance. Hurry." Her voice is softer now. I know she's crying. My best friend is sobbing her eyes out and it's all my fault.
I try to speak, but it comes out as an inaudible groan. I can feel my insides start to shut down, I'm about to lose full consciousness. Maybe even my life.
XoXo
"Hello?" I call out. No response. I look around; the scenery is somewhere I've never been before. Wait, fuck, I have been here before…what the fuck is going on?
"Hello Lilly," an all too familiar voice rings out behind me. I can't even bring myself to turn around without my tears coming again. "Lilly, turn around, look at me," the voice orders, so I turn.
I can't believe my eyes. I want to break down crying right now, but I am in too much shock to even do that.
"Lilly, what in the world has happened to you?" the figure asks me. I look at myself. I'm still wearing the tear stained t-shirt, and I'm still sporting the deep gash on my arm. But the cut isn't bleeding.
We're standing face to face, I see immense hurt in their eyes, and they must see shock in mine.
"Lillian, how could you do this? You try to kill yourself, you smoke cigarettes and pot, and you cut yourself? Don't you see how much you're hurting the people who care about you; Miley, Robbie Ray, Joe? Lilly, how could you do this to yourself?"
I can't answer them, although I know I should. But I can't bring myself to say a single word. They speak again, "Lilly, I can't watch you do this to yourself anymore. You have got to stop. The demons are away in your life, you've got everything. Joe will always be with you, even if he's not physically there with you."
"Lilly, please…"
"Lilly, please…"
"Lilly, please…
Finally, I choke out just one single word that has more emotion in it than anything I've ever said, "M-mom?"
"Lilly, please…"
"Lilly, please…"
"Lilly, please…"
XoXo
"Lilly, please…"
My eyes open with a start and I jolt upright. Fuck, I wish I hadn't, my whole body aches like a fucking bitch. I immediately lie back down and ignore the fresh tears streaming down my face.
"Oh Lilly, thank you, thank God you're awake," I opened my eyes back up and looked at my best friend's face. She looked miserable, like she hadn't slept in days. The wave of guilt washed over me again, taking me over.
"Miley…" I try to say, but it hurts to speak. "No, Lils, don't talk, don't move, just relax. You…you lost a lot of blood, thank God I came home when I did or-"She trails off and looks away, but I can feel her body rack with sobs next to me. Tears start pouring down my face even harder at the sight of my best friend in so much pain.
I know I have to talk, regardless of how much it hurts. I've been in worse pain, and I owe this to my best friend. "Miley," I say, it comes out as a whisper, "I am so, so sorry." My vision goes black from the amount of physical pain it took to say that.
"Lilly no, please don't. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that you're okay, that you're still with me. If I lost you…" Miley starts sobbing again. My heart breaks for her and everybody else I hurt. I fucking hate myself.
"I love you so much Miley," my rapsy voice whispers, "I'm fucking stupid, I'm so fucking stupid." Miley is enveloping me into a hug. Through her crying she says, "You're right, you are fucking stupid. But I don't fucking care, I am just so fucking happy you're alive. I love you too Lils, so much. How could you do this? What the fuck were you thinking?"
"You know how I am Miles, pain tears through me like a fucking knife. I didn't intend to kill myself until when I was on the brink of death I realized I actually wanted to be dead, it's fucking horrible I know," I whispered, unable to look at her.
She pulled away from me. "You fucking want to be dead? You fucking want to leave me, your family, and Joe?" I can see the anger in her face and lining her voice.
I shook my head slowly, "No Miles, I swear. Not anymore. Not after I almost died. I could never leave you and Dad, but Joe…Joe wouldn't give two fucks if I died or not."
Miley's bloodshot eyes looked right into my faded ones. "I wouldn't be too fucking sure," she whispered to me as she stroked my hair. My puzzled look must be obvious because she smiles weakly at me.
Just then I hear a trembling voice, a voice that makes my heart break into a thousand pieces and my guilt level rise through the fucking ceiling.
"Lilly?"
Joe.
Sorry it's been forever since I've updated, and I'm also sorry this chapter is so depressing. But what is up with Lilly seeing her mom? And Joe returns!? I promise I'll update faster as soon as you let me know you want it. Review!
-emergencyxx