Oh, my God… h-h-how?
I could feel my heart being pierced and broken in half and stomped on, all at once.
How…how could he?
I let my burning eyes wander over the scene as I silently crumpled inside...
I looked at her legs, draped graciously over him, skirt riding up to the hip. I looked at her hair, flowing black over shoulder blades. I saw the rhythmic motion at which they were moving, as he struggled to undo the clasp of bra, which I now saw was a sunflower yellow. I saw how his lips moved over hers, and how… that had just been me and him. I saw her comb her fingers through his long, silky hair that was no longer mine. Avery wasn't mines anymore.
As I let that stir inside my mind, I didn't realize the strangled sob that escaped my throat, and wasn't quick enough to retreat and hide myself away before he saw me.
His head snapped up in an instant, and the girl turned her head to look at me. It felt as if her eyes burned right through me.
"E… Etain…" he choked breathlessly. The same look he had looked at me with just a few months ago was just directed at her, a supposedly loving, lustful look that I thought only belonged to me. I felt a tear fall down my cheek before I could stop it.
"Who's this?" the girl asked, looking at him with impatience written all over her features, as if I was the secondary person here. But of course I was. How long had they been…well, doing this?
I couldn't take it anymore. I walked out of the locker room, and as I did, I could hear him mumble something that sounded like Ah, fuck.
My eyes blurred with tears that felt like acid, and the images before me all melded into one indisputable statement.
It was over.
Why? Why? My chest began to ache and lungs began to shrink as the gym walls started to close in on me.
It was over… it was over… it was over.
The statement kept repeating itself until I felt sick to my stomach. All of a sudden, I felt… so lonely.
I ran into the nearest bathroom and shut myself into one of the stinky stalls, trying desperately to catch my breath, which was then coming out in labored gusts of air, noisily ringing off the bathroom walls.
Finally, the stall's spinning slowed down, and I was able to pick myself back up again.
I slowly unlatched the door and looked into the mirror ahead of me. I was a mess.
My hair was gross, my brown and blonde side bang clinging to the skin of my forehead, which was covered in a thin sheen of sweat. My eyes were red-rimmed, and the front of my red long sleeved T-shirt was sprinkled in tears. I quickly grabbed a few paper towels and wiped my brow and pulled my hair back into a ponytail that was decent. I looked at myself once more and felt like bursting out in tears all over again. I couldn't shake the feeling of loneliness and abandonment.
He… cheated, I thought painfully as new tears began to roll down my cheeks faster than I could wipe them away.
I felt so… betrayed, so… disgusted. How could he? What if we had actually… went all the way? How many other girls had he… ugh! I didn't want to think about it. Resentment and misery came over me again, and the wave hit with the force of a thousand storms, nearly knocking me over. I had to get out of here, I had to leave, and I couldn't let anyone see me like this. I was the example of the school, what if anyone saw me like this…?! I darted to my locker and grabbed my things, quickly racing to the front door and away, away from here.
I rushed to the door of my old car, which was the only comfort I had left in the world, and pulled myself in, shut the door harshly, and sat. Finally, the pain was too much, and letting myself yield to it, I wept. I cried harder than I had when my father died. I had more capacity now, more understanding of pain. The hurt, the heartbreak now had more depth, had more dimensions to it.
Back when I was a little girl, I loved my father more than anything in the world; I was his little blossom. But when I was four, I didn't really understand what was happening when my mother received the news and broke down right in front of me, the life seeming to drain out from her eyes, all her happiness seeming to pool at the ground, her tears. All I knew then was that Daddy was going away and never coming back. I knew enough to feel pain I didn't understand, knowing I'd miss my father dreadfully. He had loved me so much, and he had done everything with me, even though he was extremely busy with other things, as he had been the CEO of his electronics company at only twenty-six.
He died so young... Sometimes, I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like… to have him here. If only I could run home and cry into his arms, telling him how Avery had broken my heart, and my Dad would hold me, comfort me, tell me everything was going to be fine, and he loved me just the way I was, and he would never, ever leave me…
My tears flowed harder as I realized that I would never get him back… that I would never have a father again. I felt so cold without his arms around me, as I desperately tried to hold on to the memories of my father and I together… but it was all slipping away, slowly, day by day, week by week, month by month.
It must have been at least an hour before my tears slowed and my eyes began to deflate from their puffiness. I recollected myself. As I gathered my thoughts, another wave hit me. A wave of dread.
Oh no, my job! I moaned silently, worriedly. I roughly shoved my keys in the ignition and went into automatic mode as I forced myself to head out of the school parking lot and out onto the old dusty, unpaved road that lie between the school and the bookstore. Away I went… but what would await me there?