They rode the rest of the elevator in silence. Grissom was still holding Sara's hand when they arrived at their room. He opened the door and led her to the bed, sitting her down. He took her jacket off and placed it on a hanger to dry. In the bathroom, he found a towel and wrapped it tightly around her, hoping it would soak up some of the rain in her clothes.
Kneeling down to look at her, he said, "You're beautiful, Sara. And you know that I love you, right?"
She looked away. "I know," she said quietly. "I know."
Grissom sat down beside her on the bed. "Are you okay? You seem kind of distant… far away." There was concern mixed with compassion written all over his face.
When she shook her head and stayed silent, he stood to return to the bathroom, grabbing a towel to dry himself off with.
He returned to the main part of the room to find Sara quietly crying. She looked up as he walked in. "Grissom," she whispered. "I'm not okay," she admitted. "I want you to tell me everything. To let me in. Take down the walls. Explain yourself to me. Explain what the hell goes on inside that head of yours."
Grissom sighed. He knew that this was going to come up at some point in their relationship, and he had been dreading it. How could he explain himself and his actions to her? He could barely explain them to himself. He did not, could not, talk about it, but he knew he owed Sara an explanation. He'd led her on for too long. She deserved to know everything.
She was staring at him expectantly. "Grissom?"
He sat down beside her again. "Okay. What first?"
She took a deep breath. "First… why you turned me down after the lab explosion." He tensed, and she noticed. "What?"
The reason he'd said no to her was because he'd thought he was finally going deaf, and he didn't want the extra responsibility hanging over her head. She hadn't even known about the surgery. Only Catherine had. This was going to be rough explaining.
"After the lab explosion… Sara… this is hard." She nodded at him, understanding. "You know that my mother is deaf, right?"
She nodded, looking confused. It wasn't a fact that was widely known, but she knew of it now, after he'd let her in, and she began to learn little pieces of him and his past. "But what does that have to do with anything?"
"Well, the reason my mother is deaf is because she had otosclerosis… a hereditary disease that makes you lose your hearing over a period of time."
Sara looked up at him, stunned. "You mean… you were… oh my God." She clamped a hand over her mouth, looking at him with terrified eyes.
"I was going deaf, yes." He put a hand over hers. "But I had surgery, and I'm fine now. I promise. But the reason was that I didn't want anyone to worry about me, or think I was contagious or - and I especially didn't want to worry you, because if the surgery hadn't worked… well… I'd be deaf. Probably, anyway."
"Did anyone know?" she asked, staring at him.
"Only Catherine. She knew about my mother and my chances of also developing it. She came to the hospital to see me. After Lockwood died, I had the surgery."
"Grissom," she whispered, all anger gone at the thought that he'd gone through that all by himself. "Did you love me then?"
"Sara, I can't remember a time when I didn't love you."
"Then why didn't you tell me? I could have helped you… with everything…"
He pulled her into a hug, squeezing her tightly. "I didn't want to worry anyone, Sara. It wasn't your responsibility, or anyone else's. I was scared. I didn't want you to know. I didn't want you to pity me."
Sara sat quietly in Grissom's embrace. She couldn't believe what they were doing. They were having an actual conversation, clearing up some things that had been hanging over their heads for years. And to have him confessing these things, letting her in, it still came as a surprise. But he trusted her now.
"Scared?" she asked. "Of what?"
"Of you."
She lifted her head up off of his shoulder to stare at him. "What?"
"Of something happening to you. What would happen if I lost you. If we were involved, I don't know how I'd react if you…" He stopped talking to look at her.
"I'm not going anywhere, Grissom," she whispered. "I'm not going to leave you, if that's what you think."
"That's not what I mean Sara," he choked out, tears forming.
"So now you know what you'll do if I die?" she asked, realizing what he was saying.
"No. I don't. But… I know that I won't die with regret over my head of not telling you that I love you. And I know that you will have died knowing someone loved you unconditionally…"
"Hey," she said, gently wiping away the few tears that had turned his ocean blue eyes a dark and sad navy. "I'm not going anywhere. Let's move this conversation back to some less heartbreaking topics, okay?" she asked, trying to lighten the mood around them.
He tightened his grip on her. "When you asked me to dinner, I had to say no because I had a doctor's appointment. And I was confused. When I said no, you have no idea how much it tore at my heart and ate at me from the inside. But I couldn't hurt you like that, to say no and then retreat again."
She pulled slightly away from him. "You did hurt me, though. A lot."
"I know, honey, I know. And I'm sorry. I really, really am. I didn't mean to." He pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and kissed her forehead. "I didn't mean to."
Sara looked up into his eyes. "What made you tell me? Why, after all these years, did you finally decide I was worth it?"
He coughed slightly. "You're the most important person in the world to me Sara. I thought that maybe, if I told you that, I'd still have a chance," he said, avoiding her question.
She didn't push. "You always had a chance, Grissom."
"Did I?" he asked, looking at her. She nodded. "Oh… well… that's good to know, I guess…" he smiled slightly.
"How about Terri? Or Lady Heather? Or Sofia, even?" she asked suddenly, looking wary as the words came from her mouth.
"What about them?"
"Why could you date them and not me?"
"I didn't 'date' them."
"Why could you 'go out' with them then, and not me?"
"Because, Sara… they were different from you, or you're different than them. Terri was a friend. We went out only a few times; she didn't even live in Vegas. When she came back to the lab a couple of years ago, she was married. And I only asked Sofia out that one time. When she was new."
"And Lady Heather?"
He swallowed audibly. "Heather… Heather was… a…distraction," he said finally.
"From what, exactly?"
"You."
Sara's jaw dropped. "Excuse me?"
"Lady Heather, she - she distracted me from you. When you were overpowering my brain, my heart… confusing me… she helped me. Sara… I can't explain what we had… but, it helped me, I suppose."
She couldn't believe it. He'd just admitted to sleeping with Lady Heather. Because of her. She was confused and more than just a little bit angry. "I don't get it. Sleeping with Lady Heather helped you realize that you loved me?"
"No, Sara… no. She helped me get over some inner demons, some things that I thought were wrong with myself. But I never loved her. I never loved any of them. That I need you to understand. Though I care for her… you are the only one I've ever cared for this much. It kind of scares me, actually…"
"Alright, fine. Let's back up to Sofia. Why, exactly, did you ask her out?" Sara was done hearing about Lady Heather. She'd never actually met the woman, but she'd heard around the lab that she was kind of creepy yet strangely sexy. Not something she needed to know.
"Like I said, because she was new. And I wanted her to feel welcome with the group."
Sara exploded again, as she had in his office. Standing up abruptly, she said, "So taking her out to dinner on a one-on-one dinner with her then-supervisor is getting comfortable with the group. I get it. Sorry." She glared at him. "You never took me out to dinner when I came to the rescue," she added, hating herself for sounding as whiny as she did.
"Sara," he said, unable to stop the smile forming across his lips. "You're in love with your supervisor."
She stared at him, anger radiating off of her body. "That's different."
"Really? How?"
"Because," she said angrily, tears welling up in her eyes again. "I was in love with you before you were my supervisor. Years before. And last time I checked, you were in love with me as well, so I don't know what you're getting at. Unless that's changed recently."
The smile fell from his face."I am in love with you Sara. That hasn't changed. It won't change," he whispered. "People were saying things about her, and I didn't want her to feel like an outcast," he explained, gently guided her back to the bed.
"When you came here after Holly was shot, I knew you'd be alright. You knew at least one person, and you let negative criticism roll off your back. It's always been something I've admired, actually. But I know you don't care what people think of you, so you could handle it."
"That's not true, you know. What you said about not caring what people think of me," she said, leaning into him again despite the anger in her heart.
"It's not?"
"No, it's not! I care what certain people think of me… like you," she told him.
He was stunned. "You care what I think of you?"
"Of course I do! I was always afraid of what you thought of me, if I was doing things right and always trying to impress you. Trying to be that 'star pupil' you thought I was. It's hard you know, trying to get the one you love to pay attention to you when they're always so busy with their work," she said quietly.
Grissom saw the look on her face and began to kick himself mentally. Again he had not realized how much and how deeply he had hurt Sara over the years. He knew that it would be tough to make this relationship wok, but he was determined that it would.
"Sara," he whispered, pulling her closer. "I'm sorry, sorry for everything I've ever done to hurt you. I didn't mean to, it was an accident…" his voice trailed off. "I'm so sorry."
She didn't say anything for a moment, and just sat there. Then, finally, she whispered, "I'm sorry too, Grissom."
Grissom suddenly felt exhausted, as if all the air in him had gone out. He could see that Sara needed sleep as well. He gently pushed her down onto the bed.
"Honey, we both need rest," he said, pulling the covers up around her. "We'll sleep tonight, and tomorrow I'll take you home for a new set of clothes, and a shower, okay?"
She just nodded, already half asleep. He took off his sweater and lowered himself onto the bed beside her. "Goodnight, dear," was the last thing he said before falling asleep.